Tacoma FD (2019) s02e07 Episode Script

Fire Choir

You're okay, man.
You're okay.
Probably just need to, uh
- Did anybody call 911?
- I did.
They're here.
Thank God you're here.
We didn't know what to do.
- Why aren't you treating him?
- We're just actors!
All right, sir,
do you know where you are?
Shooting a commercial for
Twicey Spicey chicken wings.
We were supposed to blast
G. Douglas with a hose
because his mouth is
burning from the wings.
Knocked the wind out of him.
Twicey Spicey wings.
Man, I love Twicey Spicey wings.
"With wings this hot,
you better call the fire department!"
Wonder if that guy's here?
'Scuse me, is that old prospector here?
- Shh.
- What? I wanna meet him.
He's not gonna be here.
Thank you for your service, sir.
- I'm a woman.
- Oh. In your uniform,
you look a guy.
A cute guy.
Fucking actors.
Hey, keep it professional, probie.
- Come on, man.
- Hey, man.
I'm a captain too. Hey, I was wondering.
Is it kosher if I tilt my helmet back
so the camera can see more of my face?
Yeah, I don't see why not.
Are you okay? Your
mouth isn't moving right.
Oh, yeah, ha ha.
It's the fake moustache.
I can't move my upper lip
or it pops off.
- That's a fake moustache?
- Yeah.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
Get outta my sight.
That's just mean.
Fake moustache.
I got some toast, I got some pig.
Nice pig!
You like pig? I'll eat some pig.
Morning, everyone.
Morning, Chief!
Hey, Chiefy, did you get
two scoops of ice cream
in that hat when you bought it?
- What's that supposed to mean?
- You need a bigger hat.
It's not a small hat. I have a big head.
Hats looks small on me.
My mom used to say
I was cranially endowed.
But if all hats are so small,
why don't you just not wear hats?
Why can't I wear hats? You wear hats.
- Okay.
- Why can't I wear hats?
Because you look like
Babe Ruth, circa 1927.
'Sup, y'all? Guess who just got accepted
in Tacoma's Firefighter Choir.
- This guy!
- Oh!
- All right, dude.
- Congrats.
Is that the a cappella group
that does the national
anthems and whatnot?
Yeah, charity events, concerts.
They're the best singers
in the fire department.
And the new choirmaster
- says that I'm a unique talent.
- What?
Now, I don't mean to be a dick here
- Which means you do.
- But a cappella
is the most asexual thing a man can do
short of cutting off his nuts
and sealing them inside a pumpkin.
I just so happen to like
- a cappella music.
- It makes my dick shrivel.
For me, it's seeing guys in clogs.
I see that, and my VJ just goes cold.
- Lucy! Language!
- What?
- I said VJ.
- It's not ladylike.
I've heard dick shrivel,
dick, balls,
sack all in the last minute,
but I say VJ once and
you get all up in my VJ?
- Lucy!
- What?
It's such a double standard!
I live with guys. I dress like a guy.
Today I got mistaken for a guy.
But heaven forbid I talk like a guy.
- Vagina.
- All right.
You made your point.
Guys, no more dick talk.
That's not the point.
The point is the double standard.
Vagina. Vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina!
I didn't mind them
until the yelling ones.
Chief, our usual rehearsal
space is booked,
so I was wondering if we
could rehearse here this week.
- No.
- Because he said no,
I say yes, of course you can.
- Ha ha!
- Such a vagina move.
Hot blooded ♪
Check it and see ♪
I've got a fever of 103 ♪
Come on, baby,
can't ya do more than that ♪
I'm hot blooded ♪
I'm hot blooded ♪
Wrong, wrong, wrong!
I will tell you who's hot blooded.
This guy!
Spencer, I said tempo allegro.
Which part of that is not English?
Paulson, if your mission
was to suck turds
with more force than an airplane toilet,
- then mission accomplished!
- Sorry, sir, I'm sorry.
I love it! I love it!
What you did with the solo
and the vibrato and the allegro
- Thank you, thank you.
- Oh, ha ha!
- All right, let's take five.
- What the hell, dude?
Granny, the choir director
is Wolf Boykins?
How could you not tell us that?
- Why would I?
- Last time we saw him,
he was impaled by a fence post.
- Don't make a big deal
- What the hell is this?
- Who let you in here?
- Eddie Penisi.
We meet again.
Wolf Boykins Funny,
you eating a Danish.
The last time I saw you,
you were a little bit Polish.
- I don't get it.
- You had a pole
sticking right through your chest
remember that?
Yeah, thanks for reminding me
of the worst day of my life.
- No problem.
- Except the joke's on you,
'cause it turned out to be
the best day of my life.
That puncture wound created
a cavity in my chest
which gave me perfect pitch.
Do, re, fa, so, la, ti, do ♪
Good for you. Good for you.
That's great. Hey, choke on that coffee.
Chug that coffee.
That's how I always
drink it. That's fine.
You know what,
your voice does sound really good.
You should get yourself a singing group.
I already have one!
And they're awesome!
All right, from the top.
Try not to be flat,
you stupid assholes.
No wonder she thought I was a guy.
These uniforms, they're so mannish.
I know, that's what I like about 'em.
Shows off my meat.
Oh, sorr no, I mean,
hey, you're packin' some
pretty serious meat too.
That's not what I'm going for.
It's just my pant where it's tucked in.
That shirt really shows off your pecks.
- Like, you look strong.
- But I want 'em
- to look like breasts.
- I don't really see that.
You look like you could handle yourself
- in a tough situation.
- Ike!
What? No, you look husky, like
look like Steven Seagal!
- Hey, Chief, we need to talk.
- Hey, check this out.
I found this company online.
They make hats for big heads.
It's called Big Head, Tall Head.
They make all these funny
hats with cool sayings,
funny logos look at that.
Huh? Great!
- Honcho?
- I'm the honcho.
This is my head Head Honcho.
I have clothing issues of my own.
We haven't updated
these blues in decades,
and I think we need to find
something a little more
- functional.
- What do you mean, functional?
Our job requires freedom of movement,
and this material's super
stiff and it doesn't breathe.
I just don't think it was
designed with women in mind.
It's so tight up top,
but if I get a bigger shirt,
then there's all this
extra fabric down here
and it gets all bunched up in my pants.
I get it. This is a vanity thing.
- Dismissed.
- Hey, don't dismiss me.
You should take pride in your work,
not your appearance.
Look at me vanity does not
enter into the equation.
Why did you buy that big hat?
Because I'm cranially endowed!
Exactly! That's the whole point!
This uniform does
not fit women properly!
- Do you not see that?
- I'll tell you what.
We need some new uniforms anyway.
I was gonna take care of it,
but why don't you
go to the uniform store
and pick out something
that works for everyone.
- Really?
- Really.
Thank you!
Hey, have a great day, Honcho.
I like how tiny my head looks.
Let me lay it on the line ♪
I wanna know ♪
What you're doing ♪
After the show ♪
Stop, stop!
Granny, you were sublime.
The rest of you should
die in a boating accident.
I don't think anyone sounded that bad.
No they weren't bad.
They were ordinary.
And Wolf Boykins will
not tolerate ordinarity.
Need I remind you,
we have a crucial gig coming up
at the assisted living
home in Horsehead Bay!
- That came through?
- It sure did, Mr. Buttinsky!
Now, I will cancel that gig.
So help me God,
I will return that $25 deposit.
Please don't, please don't.
We need something
I can scat!
Skiddly-bop ♪
Skidd-ly-bop ♪
Skiddly bop-dip-dap ♪
Shut your scat hole.
Who heard that? What was that?
- I don't hear anything.
- That!
What is that?
Where are you?
Why did it have to be you?
Hey, Wolfie.
Do me a favor. Hand me my body spray.
And don't make me "axe" twice.
Seriously, Wolf,
that's a weird place to stand.
What's up?
This pains me to my core, but
I need your lips in my ensemble.
Will you join the ExSINGuishers?
Way too thick.
So boxy.
Name's Malone.
My partner was murdered.
I'm gonna marry his widow and
raise his daughter as my own
and so help me God,
I will clean up this town.
And I'm his new partner.
I'm also a doorman.
Ma'am, you have a package waiting.
You guys, I'm doing something here.
- All right. Thank you.
- Thank you very much.
Name's still Malone.
After I was kicked off the force
for a crime I did not commit,
I got a great job disposing of uranium
- at the nuclear power plant.
- Welcome aboard!
I am the yeoman
purser of this cruise ship
and Malone's new business partner.
That's correct!
Put her there, partner.
Guys, you're not helping me.
I'd like to invite you
personally to dinner
- at the captain's table.
- Ho ho!
At the captain's table.
Name's Malone.
I faked my own death on a cruise ship
so I could investigate
who killed my partner,
his wife, their daughter,
and my business partner
at the hazardous waste depot.
And now you're a house painter.
- I'm an undercover priest!
- Ooh!
- Undercover priest?
- I'd buy that.
Because I am a chef!
- Ah!
- And his new police partner.
We are done here.
I have found what we need.
I don't think we are.
You need to confess!
- Come on, guys.
- I'm also
A priest dancer!
Let's do one more.
I dunno.
They're pretty flexible I love 'em.
But look at me,
I've got like a muffin top
- and a lumpy ass.
- It's activewear.
And what is more active
than being a firefighter?
I've got full range of motion.
I can climb a ladder.
I don't know if I can sign off on these.
You look great!
You just need a codpiece like me.
- I got another one in my truck.
- I already got one right here.
- Yeah.
- Oh, yeah, he's got one on.
I don't want anybody to wear a codpiece.
Mi mi mi mi mi mi mi mi ♪
Mi mi mi mi mi mi ♪
Hey, hey, hey.
Speaking of mi, mi,
mi, me is right here.
The maestro approaches.
This is gonna change everything.
I'm shivering.
All right, please Mr. Penisi,
show these turkeys how it's done.
Let me get right in here.
- Watch and learn.
- Really?
It's cool. It's cool. I'm into it.
We'll jump right into "Hot Blooded,"
Boykins' arrangement, second bridge.
Eddie, you come in on the downbeat.
Hopefully, these dipshits
will be able to follow.
- You got it.
- Try and keep up.
- Hey, I'm a captain, dude.
- Yes, sir.
- Now, it's up to you ♪
- Bum bum bum bum ♪
We can make a secret ♪
- Rendezvous ♪
- Bum bum bum bum ♪
Before we do ♪
- You've got to get away from ♪
- Bum bum bum bum ♪
You know who ♪
Okay, stop. Eddie,
that was pretty good.
Just you're not quite on time.
- Okay.
- No problem.
Come in on "before we do."
- Before we do ♪
- Bum bum bum bum ♪
You've got to get away from ♪
- You know who ♪
- Stop!
Eddie, just not quite on time.
- Okay, my bad.
- It's not a thing.
Don't worry about it. Don't worry. Okay.
Before we do.
Before we do ♪
You got to get away from ♪
Stop! Eddie, I actually think
I see your problem.
It's your embouchure.
- Embouchure?
- Lip technique.
Don't worry. I can fix it.
Oh oh.
- Embrace it.
- What do you mean?
Tighter ah yi yi!
We're not pulling carrots
outta the ground here.
All right. Keep your lips
just like
Gimme a C.
I said keep your lips just like that!
Again. Stinky pinky this time.
- Are you kidding me?
- No, I-I just
You j-just what?
You just wanted to ruin everything?
- No, I
- We'll do it again, all right?
Not quite again.
You're getting worse.
Now you're flat again.
Now you're sharp again!
Enough, enough, I can't do it,
all right, enough!
You can't or you won't?
I can't and I quit!
Okay? I quit! Stupid singing group!
Take everybody here in this group
Minus the ladies
And shove 'em up your ass!
You know what, that's fine,
because Wolf Boykins
doesn't tolerate a
Okay, Paulson,
if you ever make eye
contact with me again,
I will staple your
nuts to your forehead.
All right, on three.
You okay, buddy?
Nah. I just got humiliated by Wolf.
Okay. Well, if you need anything
I quit the choir.
- The choir, huh?
- Yeah.
Well, you did say it was silly.
I know, but for a moment
I thought I was special.
- Now I know I'm not.
- Ah, come on, Eddie.
- You're special.
- Remember that band
I started in high school
Benjie Likes Pickles?
Oh, yeah whatever
happened to that band?
Well, we never actually performed.
I thought I had everything
The moves, the hair, the swagger.
Everything but the patience
to learn the guitar.
- You didn't play the guitar?
- No.
You carried it around everywhere.
Because I loved the attention.
When Wolf asked me to join the group,
it was my chance to
be more than a poser.
To show people that
I actually had talent.
But now I know the truth.
Hey, let me ask you a question
who are you?
Yeah, yeah. I'm Eddie Penisi.
No. You're Eddie Penisi!
You got the moves. You got the swagger.
And you got somethin' else The lips.
They call it embouchure. It's French.
Well, I'm embou-sure
you got what it takes, oui?
So you march your ass back in there,
and you show 'em you're Eddie Penisi.
Okay, I will.
- Head Honcho.
- It fits you.
It actually makes your
head look kinda tiny.
- That's what I'm goin' for.
- Yeah?
- Tiny head!
- But listen, seriously,
these new uniforms They're hideous.
Don't worry about that.
I'm just indulging Lucy
on her vanity project.
It's gonna blow over.
It's just for the rank and file.
- Ahh.
- We're not wearin' that stuff.
- It's a ruse.
- It's for the suckers.
Hey, Chief, here's your new uniform.
Oh, uh, am I wearing one of these too?
Yeah, of course.
I got 'em for everybody.
Thanks, Luce. Love the new uniforms.
- Awesome, whoo-hoo!
- Yeah.
That thing's gonna fit
you like a sausage skin.
- I'm hot blooded ♪
- Bum bum bum bum ♪
Bum bum bum bum ♪
- Bravissimo.
- Yes!
Grandberry Sauce,
delicious as per usual.
You know what else is delish?
A surprise serving of Penisi.
Well, the prodigal whistler returns.
And like your whistling
Not quite on time.
You're not gonna beat me, Wolf.
We'll just see about that.
Mmm give me a C sharp.
Sharper still.
You're finished. You're out!
No, don't do it!
Don't you
I got nowhere else to go!
Then whistle!
You're ready, Eddie, you're ready!
I am ready, Wolf. I'm ready.
You magnificent son of a bitch!
You're ready!
Wait, where did you get
these sandwiches from?
Jesse's. Jesse was there
today; he made them.
Ugh, I'm not gonna eat mine then.
- What? Why?
- He still calls it Asian Slaw.
It's on his menu.
It says Asian Slaw Surprise.
I'm like, what's the surprise,
that you're racist?
How is that racist?
It's from what, General Asia?
You look like a speed skater!
Chief, you might wanna adjust your FUPA.
- Oh, yeah.
- A little bit more.
All right, Lucy, I gave it a shot.
Now we're ditching the uniforms.
What? Why? Everybody loves them.
- I hate 'em.
- He doesn't like 'em.
I don't like 'em. I'm the chief.
- What I say goes.
- Station 24, extrication.
- 1642 Morton Avenue.
- Ughh! Damn it!
Let's go!
He ain't slowin' down, y'all.
- Oh!
- Ha ha ha ha!
How long was that?
That single note was
17 1/2 minutes long.
I got goose bumps. You're amazing!
So amazing that I'm
giving you Granny's solo.
Huh? I worked on that for weeks.
Granny, part of being
on the team is doing
what's best for the team.
Paulson, the rest of you,
let's go do some calisthenics.
- You stole my solo.
- What do you want me to do?
- I want you to not do it!
- I have to do it.
- He gave it to me.
- You don't even wanna be here.
"It's the most asexual thing
a man could ever do." You remember that?
Yeah, I remember that.
But now I like it.
You don't have ownership
over this, Granny.
It means something to me too.
I'm just hurt, man.
Oh, man.
Carrot top!
You look like a potato on toothpicks!
Mr. Incredible ate a pumpkin!
Nice tits.
- The girl ain't bad either.
- All right, hey!
Nothin' to see here 'cept
a guy with his head in a fence.
Three minutes ago I felt like
the stupidest guy on Earth.
Thanks for taking the heat off me.
Cool frog eyes, dork!
All right, that's enough outta you!
- Shut up!
- We are first responders!
I have to cut these probably
Uh do you mind
keeping your bulge out of my face?
What time's the FUPA convention?
Hey, that's enough!
- Who said that?
- Who was it?
- Hey!
- Was that you, sir?
Martin, I know your father!
Oof, it is packed out there.
- Ah, there's my little siren.
- Hey, Wolf, what's chillin'?
Well, I've got some good
chill and some bad chill.
First of all, fresh batteries
have been installed in
everyone's hearing aids,
so they'll be all ears "What? What?"
Ooh, that is good chill.
And now the bad chill.
I have to cut your solo.
W-what are you talking about?
The seniors have a field trip
tomorrow to Casino Hohomonga,
and they've moved
up bedtime ten minutes.
What if I do a shorter version?
- You could do that?
- Yeah, I'll do anything.
I invited people.
Please, please, don't cut it.
I'm sorry.
I can't keep this up any longer.
I was never gonna let you do the solo.
In fact, I was never
gonna let you perform at all.
I pumped you up, knowing that your ego
would lap it up like fresh cream.
I got you to join the group,
then I got you to care about the group.
And now I'm taking it all away.
Because I hate you, Eddie Penisi.
I hate you so much.
And you've just been bitten by the Wolf.
Hey, Jumbo, why's your ass so flat?
Is that a tuna can in your pants,
or do you just have a weird dick?
Maybe I went a little
overboard with the uniforms.
Nope, I get it now.
I feel self-conscious.
I feel uncomfortable.
This isn't right for my body,
and I know how you feel.
These guys can keep wearing
their sexist uniforms.
We're gonna make some
changes to your uniform
- that make you more comfortable.
- Thank you, Chief.
I know the fence thing was
embarrassing for all of us,
but I also have a soda can up my ass.
Andy, soda can in the ass.
- Hi.
- Hey.
- Turn around.
- No, no, well, uh
Turn around!
All right, songsters.
Let's shooby-dooby-doo this.
Wolf, we're not going on without Cap.
- He's one of us.
- Right, right.
The man is a complete narcissist.
He mocked this group then
came in and took your place.
Maybe so, but he's still my friend.
And what you did was wrong,
so either we all go on,
or we don't go on at all.
Et tu, Paulson?
I see.
you've all made your voices
heard loud and clear,
and as your leader,
I respect your solidarity.
So I will just go on by myself.
Bubble gum, bubble gum,
bubble bum, bubble bum.
Bubble bum.
Bah bah bah bum, I'm hot blooded ♪
Check it, you'll see ♪
I'm h"
I'm h ♪
Good night!
Let's ExSINGguish this joint.
Bum bum bum ♪
Bum bum bum bum bum bum bum ♪
Bum bum bum bum, bum bum bum ♪
I'm hot blooded ♪
Check it and see ♪
- I've got a fever of 103 ♪
- Bum bum bum bum ♪
Come on, baby,
don't you do more than dance ♪
I'm hot blooded ♪
I'm hot blooded ♪
Bum bum bum bum ♪
Ah, it's so nice to
be back in the old unis.
Right? My gut's hanging over my belt,
my ass crack is showin',
my pants are baggy.
All is right with the world again.
Ah, I look good
in anything. I don't care.
You guys, check it out.
Pretty good, huh?
- Oh, you got a haircut.
- No!
I let her take it to a tailor,
- girl it up a little bit.
- Oh, yeah!
I look so much better.
When I saw my ass in the mirror
I was like, "Damn, I would tap that!"
Okay, language, Lucy. Come on.
- Yeah, inappropriate.
- Twicey Spicey for everyone.
- Oh!
- Oh, nicey!
Cap and I were a hit
at the old folks' home.
They woulda gave us a standin' ovation
if they weren't strapped
to their wheelchairs.
And get this Wolf is out,
but the group voted me their new leader.
Okay, let me get this straight, Granny.
This guy mocks you relentlessly
for joining an a cappella singing group,
then he joins, acts like a dick,
steals your solo,
then you guys vote him leader?
In a nutshell, yeah, that's about right.
- And did he ever apologize?
- No, we all know
that that's beyond his
emotional capabilities.
True, dat. And I still contend
that a cappella is douchey.
What I've come to realize
is that I've been a
douche my whole life.
- Wow!
- There ya go.
Should we treat these
fine first responders
- to a tune, partner?
- Yes, we should.
Twice as spicey ♪
It tastes so nicey ♪
At $2 a bucket ♪
It ain't so pricey ♪
Ugh, I got the dumb chills.
I'll have the buffalo.
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