Tacoma FD (2019) s02e13 Episode Script

A Christmas Story

- So what's this called?
- Let me guess
Burnt figgy pudding left in the oven.
1970s Christmas-era
lights short-circuited
and burst into flames.
Call 'em Ho-Ho-Homewreckers.
Guy tries to climb down the chimney,
gets stuck.
I bet that's the most common one.
It's a classic.
Take it out of your mouth! Take it out!
- Whoa.
- Be cool!
Hey, how's
- Season's greetings.
- How are ya?
- Everything okay?
- Did you call the fire d
- I called, I called, yeah.
- Mrs. Santa called.
- Is there's an emergency?
- There's an emergency.
- What happened?
- Yuletide stuff you know.
- Yuletide?
- You know, celebrating
- the season.
- You want us to come in, sir?
Please come in.
Welcome to Santa's workshop.
All righty. What do we got here?
Having a little party, huh?
Welcome to our humble
Christmas cottage
- The land of magic and dreams.
- Got an emergency call.
- What's the problem?
- That would be about Norman.
- Is that Norman?
- No, that's J.P.
- He's just chillaxin'.
- Then where's Norman?
Ho ho! Wasted!
He had too much fondue. We think he
- What was in the fondue?
- Oh, Swiss cheese,
white wine, garlic,
uh 25 hits of ecstasy.
That is a molly jolly
Christmas right there!
Let me catch Norman.
Thanks, Granny.
Hey, man, come here. Come here!
What kinda party is this?
It's a Santa-themed swinger's party.
This is a Christmas orgy?
We drink eggnog and have sex.
Do you like my wreath? My mom made it.
You know what? Norman's fine.
You know, just, uh,
make sure he's not dehydrated
and no more fondue!
Well, you're all welcome to
stick around for a while.
Why don't we mingle our ho-ho-hos
with your hose, hose, hose?
No, no, no. Dash away, all!
Everybody's welcome, you guys.
I'll stuff your stockings!
I think you came on a little too strong.
Oh, jingle bells, jingle bells ♪
Jingle all the balls ♪
Ho ho ho, huh?
Another year and it still fits.
It's a Christmas miracle!
- Merry Christmas, everybody.
- Merry Christmas!
Ho ho ho ho!
- Oh whoa!
- Hey!
God's sakes, will you people
give this Christmas bullshit a rest?
I'm trying to do your
year-end evaluations,
and I can't hear myself think!
- Okay.
- Ho ho ho, boy, huh?
Who pissed in his Cheerios?
I'm in favor of the music,
guys, just so you know.
Hey, Chief, you ever consider
giving him this week off?
He's always a wet
blanket on the holidays.
Yeah. He's always in a bad mood,
and it's always when he
does our year-end reviews.
Every December,
we get Scrooged on the write-up.
We gotta do something about it.
Deck the halls with boughs of holly ♪
Bubba-dubba-doo buh-doo-boo-boo ♪
Leigh Weigh sings
the Christmas tunes ♪
Zubba-dubba-dah bah-doo-buh-boo ♪
Eddie! Hey, Eddie, come here.
You get a present yet
- for the Yankee Swap?
- Yeah.
I found a half-empty
bottle of dandruff shampoo
in my locker I'm gonna
pop an ugly green bow on it.
Okay. Well, you know what?
I'm gonna at lunchtime and get a gift.
I can get two and say one's from you.
Oh, cool you can wrap
mine and hand it out for me too.
Ha ha. You don't hand out
a gift at the Yankee Swap.
Each person picks a number,
then they pick a gift.
So let's say I go first
and you go second.
I open my gift, then you open yours.
You have the option of
deciding to keep your gift
or stealing mine, but look out
Anyone who hasn't picked
behind us can pick a gift
of the person in front of them.
So interestingly,
the last pick is often the best pick,
and the first pick is the worst pick.
Are you listening to me?
You're especially humbuggy this year.
- What's wrong?
- Look at these Christmas cards
from my ex-girlfriends.
Look how happy they are
with their happy husbands
- and their happy kids.
- Oh, yeah, Carla,
the comptroller's office I like her.
Oh Jasmine. She was too good for you.
I don't know why you're
getting so worked up.
Half these kids aren't even yours.
That's very funny, Terry.
The fact is, all these women
asked me to marry them,
but I turned them all down.
- Yeah, sure you did.
- I did.
And every year on Christmas,
they send me these cards
to remind me of what I don't have.
You know what? You have
a bad case of the holiday blues.
Maybe I do have
the holiday blues, Terry.
Or maybe it's that the more
obnoxiously jolly you become,
the more obnoxiously crusty I have to be
to create balance in the universe.
- Like Batman and the Joker.
- Exactly.
- Wait which one am I?
- The Joker, of course.
- But he's the jolly one.
- No, he's the bad guy
- Like you.
- You think Batman
is jollier than the Joker?
When's the last time
you saw Batman smile?
I don't hang out with Batman,
so I can't tell you.
Maybe it was at The
Super Friends Yankee Swap
because he had the last pick!
Okay, great. Go do your evaluations,
- and go easy on my crew.
- They're my crew too.
- Merry Christmas, Eddie!
- Eh!
O, holy night ♪
Leigh Weigh has a great voice ♪
- Oh!
- Look at all this stuff.
The kids're gonna go nuts!
And we might just beat
our Toy Drive record.
Whoa! Let me see that.
Oh, I forgot. Andy likes dolls.
No! I mean, yes, but
- look at this one.
- "Public defender Darla."
- So what?
- Look closer.
It's supposed to say
Public Defender Darla,
but thanks to a disgruntled
print shop employee,
a handful of these babies made it out
with the box misspelled.
Oh, pubic defender Darla!
Ha ha ha! That's awesome!
It also makes her tag
line especially naughty.
Oh, dude "She'll get you off!"
Whoever dropped that off had no idea
- how valuable it was.
- Why, how valuable is it?
We're talking this valuable, baby.
- Wait what?
- 15 grand?
- We're selling it, right?
- No, you guys.
It's not ours to sell. Someone gave this
as a donation for a child.
Are you kidding me? We're gonna give it
to some drooling kid so he
can give it a dumb haircut?
Hey, we can just take that
money and replace that one.
- Ooh!
- That is not happening.
How 'bout this
We put it with the other toys.
If no kid picks it up, then we sell it,
and the proceeds go towards
upgrading the station.
Like with a Christmas party.
- Hey, sounds good!
- I don't know, guys.
- I'll take that, Luce.
- Give me the doll, Andy!
- We'll sell it!
- It's worth 15 grand!
Give it back!
- It's for the
- Give me the doll!
Just look at yourselves.
You are everything that's
wrong with Christmas.
Fighting over a doll.
Who's not even that hot.
I'll remember this when I
fill out your evaluations.
Hope you all enjoy getting lumps of coal
in your stockings.
Whew! Tell you what,
if we don't inject some
comfort and joy into Cap,
we're all gonna take it
up the chimney this year.
We need a Christmas miracle.
You said it.
Things were lookin' mighty grim
for our firefighters.
They needed to lift
Captain Penisi's holiday spirits
and fast.
And what about that valuable doll?
I mean, shit,
talk about an ethnical conundrum.
Ha. I don't envy Andy,
Lucy, Ike, or Granny.
I wonder how it'll all work out.
You know, guys, $15,000 split three ways
is a lotta money!
It's like 4 grand a guy.
No, it's exactly $5,000.
- Whatever.
- Can you not do math?
Yes, I can do math.
I just can't do math and
wink at the same time.
- What are you winkin' for?
- Just sayin'
It's a lotta money,
boys, it's almost like
between 4 and 5 grand apiece.
- It's not between that.
- It's $5,000 exactly.
Spilt three ways, evenly.
We'll figure out the
exact numbers later.
- Guys.
- Hey!
What are we gonna do about Cap?
How do you inject the Christmas spirit
into someone who hates Christmas?
We need to remind him what
Christmas is really all about.
Hey, how we lookin'? Are we gonna break
- the Toy Drive record this year?
- I bet we get
- 300 families this year.
- That's why we do it.
Spreading the Christmas spirit, right?
- Yeah!
- Speaking of which,
we got a family coming over here.
Their Christmas tree caught on fire.
- Burnt down half their house.
- Oh
Burnt up all the presents for their kid.
So we're gonna let the
little fellow come over here
and pick out some toys.
It's gonna be a beautiful moment.
That sounds really Christmassy.
Are you guys thinking what I'm thinking?
I think so?
- Oh, shh, here he is.
- Okay. What do you want?
We know you're busy,
but we wanted you to witness
this beautiful display
of Yuletide generosity.
And goodwill to the less fortunate.
And tidings of great joy.
And tidings
Shepherds flocked to
- Here we go, guys.
- Ooh!
Oh, for the less fortunate, you said.
Maybe it's a rental.
Oh, boy. The kid from the well.
- It's Hunter.
- What's up, losers?
No such things as Santa, tubby.
- Sorry about the fire.
- Oh, thank you.
You know, it's been so hard on Hunter
commuting to the lake
house these last few days.
Lake house.
Do they know how the fire started?
Oh, it was Hunter.
Yeah, he put an M-80
in a decorative angel.
Whew! Kids!
- It's gonna get hard.
- Yeah.
'Sup, troll doll?
You wanna fight?
I don't wanna fight a child.
- These toys suck.
- Well, I didn't make 'em.
I guess I could wrap this in tinfoil
- and throw it in the microwave.
- No, no, no, no.
Look how stupid it is.
It's worthless on
the collectible circuit.
Don't crush the box!
Please don't crush the box!
Hey, this baby cries,
so you could take it
and you could set it on fire or
throw it off a roof or eat it.
I'm out. Peace!
Come on, Mom! I'm hungry!
Okay, honey!
Thank you for your generosity!
- Hey.
- You're welcome, ma'am.
Wow, you guys, that was beautiful.
Warms the cockles of my heart.
Don't bother me again.
Knock, knock. Hey, I need your finger.
Why, you gonna try and make me fart?
Ha ha, good one. Come on, let's go.
Oh, I see. I have to stop what I'm doing
to help you wrap a gag gift
for your dumb Yankee Swap?
It's not a gag gift.
It's an awesome gift.
And don't ask me to tell you what it is,
'cause I'm not gonna do it.
It's a bidet.
- It shoots water up your butt?
- Yeah.
It's a Sunny Tunnel Bidet.
Vicky got me one last month
Changed my life.
There is nothing more soothing
that shooting warm
water up your hoo-hoo.
And my toilet paper
bills? Never been lower.
This baby pays for itself.
What are you,
in the pocket of Big Bidet?
I started out at 85 degrees
and then I lowered it
to a nice 82 degrees.
Mmm. That's the sweet spot.
That's absurd
the human rectum cannot differentiate
between 85 and 82 degrees.
My rectum can tell the different.
No, it can't!
Assholes don't have feelings.
Get out of my office.
Merry Christmas, Edward Penisi.
There's glitter everywhere
from your Goddamn ribbon!
We have to find a way to help Cap.
Hey, how 'bout this?
20 years ago at Christmas,
Cap delivered a baby when a
woman was stuck in traffic.
What if we found that kid,
brought him to the station,
then we have a heartwarming
Christmas reunion.
That's a really good idea.
I bet you anything
Granny's trying to cut
Lucy in on a two-way deal
- to get that Darla doll.
- You're being paranoid, man.
- That's not what they're
- Wait a sec.
Are you teaming up with them?
Are you trying to cut
me outta the score?
- You need to calm down.
- No, you need to calm down.
You're jumpier than a Pepper
Jack's whore right now.
- You need to reel it in!
- Hey, guys.
- Granny has a great idea.
- Does it involve
waiting until I fall asleep
and then smothering me with a pillow
- to take that Darla doll?
- Damn it, Andy, no!
Granny thinks that if
we can find the baby
that Cap delivered 20 years ago,
it might just warm his icy little heart.
- That's a great idea!
- It was a good idea.
Turns out the kid got nailed
on various narcotic charges
and then fled to Sweden
to join a doomsday cult.
Look at that in Sweden
they call it a "duumsdoy kolt."
Cap wouldn't know
what the kid looked like
20 years from now
We could just get any dude
to come in here and
pretend to be that baby.
Lucy McConky. That's a good idea.
Lucy McConky's biggest fault
is her refusal to show proper respect
when addressing her captain.
Uncle Eddie! Get your ass down here.
It's a Christmas miracle!
- Here he is.
- Who? Who he?
Him! He who you delivered as a baby
when his mom was stuck
in traffic, remember?
Captain Penisi, great to see you again.
Mark Budmartin.
You're the little Budmartin baby?
Well, look at you. You're all grown up!
My God!
- What are you doin' here?
- Well,
sometimes I get into a real bad funk
- during the holidays.
- I do too.
This morning, I found myself
standing on the edge of
the Tacoma Narrows Bridge
looking down, thinking about cashing in.
- Oh
- But then I thought,
"Firefighter Penisi risked his life
"in the middle of traffic
to bring me into this world.
I can't let him down!"
So I got off that bridge,
and the first thing I did
was buy a scratch-off lottery ticket,
- and guess what.
- What?
I won $100,000,
which I'm going to use
to go to astronaut school
and be the first man on Mars!
- Oh!
- I wrote that part.
Yeah, no shit.
Seeing you here today
makes me truly believe
that you made a huge mistake.
A what's that now?
Yeah. You really should have jumped.
Get lost loser.
Son of a bitch, Cap.
How could you do that?
That was the boy you brought
into this world,
- as far as you know!
- Do you really think I wouldn't know
that the baby I delivered fled to Sweden
and joined a "duumsdoy kolt"?
- Oops.
- I was gonna let you off easy
on those evaluations.
But after that,
I'm cranking it up full blast.
- No!
- Cap
Astronaut school, dude?
Who knew that he would
keep such close tabs
on the baby he delivered?
Huh. Hey, guys.
Where's the Darla doll?
- What do you mean?
- What?
We put it right here, and now it's gone.
- So which one of you took it?
- Don't look at me.
I'm the one that wanted to give it away.
So that means one of you took the doll.
That's exactly what the real
doll thief would say, Granny.
Which is precisely what the
actual doll thief would say,
- Andy!
- What?
Which is undoubtedly
what the true doll thief
- would say, Ike.
- Me?!
- Yeah, you.
- Obviously!
- No, it ain't!
- You guys!
What happened to the Christmas spirit?
The deal was we were gonna
split that doll three ways!
That's over 4 grand each!
- 5 grand.
- I want that doll on the table
- in three minutes.
- I want it in 30 seconds.
- Damn it, I didn't take it!
- I didn't take it either!
Well, if that ain't a heapin'
pile of humbug stew,
I don't know what is.
What are the odds that the Eddie
and the Darla doll situations
would hit their lowest points
at the exact same time?
Ah, what a world.
I sure hope they can still fix this.
Hey, guys. Time for the Yankee Swap.
- But what about Uncle Eddie?
- Look, I have been trying
to shove Christmas cheer
down that guy's throat
for 25 years He's too far gone.
Come on, it's Christmas Eve!
How 'bout I read
"'Twas the Night Before Christmas"?
- You love when I do that.
- It just doesn't feel right
- without Uncle Eddie here.
- You're right.
But what else can we do?
Yeah. Here we are.
Ohh. Here we go.
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪
Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh ♪
Hark the harald angels sing ♪
Glory to the newborn king ♪
Peace on Earth and mercy mild ♪
God and sinners reconciled ♪
- Joy ♪
- Shut up, you dorks!
Cap, we know you hate Christmas,
but we want you to join
us for the Gift Swap.
You think that'll get
you a good evaluation?
- Bah!
- Eddie, the Yankee Swap
is a station event,
and you're gonna join us.
And that's an order!
Let the swap begin!
- I got number one.
- Ah!
- Oh!
- Yeah!
You know what, sometimes that's good.
He briefed me. First is worst.
- Ah
- Not all the time.
Uh whoa.
Two tickets to Seattle/Arizona,
50-yard line.
- Whoa!
- Wow.
Whose gift is this? Who did this?
I danced this corporate
gig and I hit it off
- with the owner's wife, so
- I can't wait
for one of you guys to
snag these away from me.
Hey, you never know, though I'm next!
Yoink! Cool!
Chubby's Exotic Dance Emporium
One VIP lap dance.
Not sure I need this, but
No, no, it's good for research.
I know how this works, Ike.
No, I'm keepin' it.
- Okay.
- Oh, look, I'm next.
This one looks fun.
"One free depilation at
Alohair Beauty Salon."
Get it over with, then.
That's your family business.
What're you talking about?
Merry Christmas. Who's next?
Let me show you dum-dums
how to pick a real gift.
- That's a good one.
- A Nightmare Manor
Annual Pass.
I was banned from
the premises for two years,
but it's still a good gift.
- Okay, okay.
- I'm gonna go with
this red box. Sweet moustache wax.
This'll be great for
when I have a boyfriend
- with a moustache.
- Okay, thank you, guys.
I know what you're doin' here.
- Thank you.
- Yay!
Hold on.
Santa has not yet had his turn.
If I were to survey the other gifts
that were available to me,
I'm going to take
this one.
You kidding me?
50-hard line! Hee hee hee hee!
- Chief.
- Dad.
Well, Merry Christmas, buddy.
- Okay, well
- Wait, wait, Cap.
- Shouldn't you open your gift?
- I know what it is.
It's a bidet
because Christmas is all about
taking it in the pooper.
Some Santa you are.
Cap, I'm sorry.
- Dad, why did you do that?
- 50-yard line!
I mean, really, it's a Yankee
Swap get over it.
The nicest thing I can
say about Granfield Smith
is that he wraps hose with the grace
and speed of a pregnant water buffalo.
And that finishes it.
"Clean in comfort."
Sunny Tunnel Bidet.
Eh, why not?
Here goes nothing.
Ooh hoo hoo hoo ooh!
And in that moment,
feeling the soothing rush
of 82-degree toilet water
on his bitter and hardened anus,
Eddie Penisi's heart
grew 20 sizes that night.
I love it!
I'm too old for this shit.
What was I thinking?
These people are my family.
But there's no time to do
those evaluations over again.
Is there?
You there, boy, what time is it?
Almost 5:00 in the morning!
5:00? There might just be enough time!
What are you doing running around
at 5:00 on Christmas morning?
Stealing packages
off people's doorsteps!
Wait Hunter, is that you?
- Ah, fuck off!
- Ha ha ha.
Merry Christmas, Hunter.
Merry Christmas.
Oh, something smells good.
It smells like Christmas.
- It is Christmas, dummy.
- Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas, guys.
- It looks amazing!
- Holy
Merry Christmas, everyone.
Whoa! What happened here?
A Christmas miracle.
And here's the cherry
on top of the yule log.
Check out your stockings.
Aw, man!
Did you do all this?
- I did.
- Our evaluations!
"Granfield Smith wraps hose
with the speed and grace of a gazelle"?
"Andy Myawani more like dandy guy
with two Mommies"?
- It was 5:00 in the morning.
- Ike Crystal.
Satisfactory on every one!
Thanks, Cap!
What caused the change of heart, Cap?
Well, Lucy,
I realized it was selfish of me
to tarnish your records because
I had the holiday blues.
Or maybe somebody used
his new Christmas gift.
You're right, Chief.
Your gift taught me a lot last night.
Turns out, assholes do have feelings.
I know this asshole does.
- Aw
- Aw ha ha ha.
Wait a minute. Did you know the bidet
was gonna have this effect on Cap?
It looks like there's a new
Santa Claus around here.
Or should I say
Old Taint Nick?
Man, the only thing
that'd make this day better
is if one of you admitted
to stealing that Darla doll.
- I didn't take it, Andy!
- No worries, gentlemen.
- 'Cause I know who did it.
- What? Who?
- Seriously?
- Follow me.
Why can't you just tell us now?
- boom.
- Whoa!
So this whole time it's
been Mark Budmartin?
The actor who played Mark Budmartin.
I knew that guy was a phony!
I'm sorry for accusing you.
Aw, man, it's okay.
- I'm sorry too, fellas.
- Take it in.
Are you guys ready for the
genuine Christmas miracle?
That is not the real Darla doll.
- I think it is.
- This is the real
Pubic Defender Darla.
When I saw how weird you
guys were being about it,
I swapped her out for another Darla.
Merry $15,000 Christmas to us!
- You're kidding, right?
- What? I saved Christmas.
- Why don't you read this?
- Right here.
What does it say?
"Pubic Defender Darla doll.
M-I-P." What's MIP mean?
Mint In Package.
It means it's an untouched doll
in the original package.
That doll right there is
without original package.
How much is it worth W-O-O-P?
Well, then we're gonna spend that $122
on sugar plums and peppermint bark.
- Yay!
- Good for you, Cap!
Merry Christmas, Cap.
And God bless us every one.
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
Merry Christmas, ho ho ho.
- Who's been good this year?
- Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas. I like you guys.
Happy holidays. Merry Christmas.
Hey 314 families.
That's a new record!
- Awesome!
- Hey guys, come on over.
- Chief's gonna read his poem.
- Yay!
Okay, guys.
"'Twas the night before
Christmas at Tacoma FD.
"What a year it has been,
filled with whimsy and glee.
Chief Terry banned gambling,
but it went on, however."
- No it did not, no it did not.
- Not really.
"While a fire in Dildo Town
brought enemies together.
"Eddie's dad paid a visit
and was nice only to Lucy.
"The guys on the C team
turned out to be douchey.
- Big time.
- "Cap joined the Fire Choir
by using his lips, and Nightmare Manor
"gave Granny a case of the yips.
- Ha, that was so funny!
- Man, I had to lawyer up.
"Low voice Lucy
sounded like Barry White.
"And Ike's brother needed help
"'cause his sperm count was light.
He was havin' a tough time.
"Cap grew his hair an incredible length
"while a stray bolt of lightning
gave Andy super strength."
Wait, wait, wait
When did that happen?
I'm just making sure you're awake.
- Ha ha, that didn't happen!
- "At the Firemen's Ball
- the elevator was stuck."
- I don't remember that.
"And this holiday season,
Eddie learned to give a fuck."
- Thanks to you guys.
- That's right.
So as we wrap up our tale
and we ride out of sight
Merry Christmas to all,
and to all a good night.
Ain't that right, Darla?
You said it, Snowman!
Station 24, man stuck in chimney.
- Please respond.
- All right, here we go guys!
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