Tacoma FD (2019) s03e01 Episode Script
Quarantine
1
[SIREN WAILING]
Engine 24, Rescue 42, 35112 Mott Street.
Man hit by truck in his garage.
Engine 24 responding.
[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC]
♪♪
Well, I feel that ain't good ♪
And I guess that I could get crazy ♪
Hurry, he's bleeding badly.
♪♪
Uh, dispatch said he was hit by a truck.
He was.
ALL: Oh.
That's we thought
you meant a truck, truck.
I said toy truck on the phone.
With dispatch, you
gotta speak real slow.
- And who threw the toy truck?
- Diego threw the truck.
- Is Diego your son?
- No, that's Diego.
[CHATTERING]
- Oh!
- Oh, my gosh!
- Hi, Diego.
- Hi.
So cute. Congratulations.
Hey, what kind of
monkey is Diego anyway?
- A capuchin.
- No, thanks, I'm fine.
Had a couple of cups earlier.
What kind of monkey is Diego?
A capuchin.
Oh, boy. No, thank you. I'm fine.
And why did Diego throw the toy truck?
He's been cranky lately.
You never know what's
gonna set him off.
Sometimes it's a guy with
a dumb face and beady eyes.
Lucky there's none
of them around here.
- [CHUCKLES]
- What?
Hello. Whee, whoo, boo.
- [CHATTERING]
- Oh, it's not locked.
Oops, oh, he's actually coming out.
Hey, buddy, you're okay. He looks mad.
Oh, ow!
Oh, hey! Oh!
Ha-ha!
Oh!
Dispatch, I got a firefighter down.
- Hit by a car
- Ow!
- And a truck
- Ah!
- And a plane
- Ow!
- And, ooh, the shoe missed.
- Ow!
[SCREECHES]
[FOREIGNER'S "HOT BLOODED"]
♪♪
Well, I'm hot-blooded ♪
Check it and see ♪
I got a fever of 103 ♪
This quiche I made is the bomb.
- Ooh.
- Oh, yeah?
Looks like it has gobs
of cheese in it, guys.
It does. You gotta try it.
- It's noice.
- Mmm, this is noice.
Here, let me get into that.
- Ooh, no-ho-ho-hoice!
- Mm-hmm.
- I could eat gobs of this.
- Mm-hmm.
- Heyo!
- Hey.
I just got all my shifts
covered for the next two weeks,
so now I can go to Fuego Fest.
Noice. Who you going with?
- My new boyfriend, Miles.
- Miles Longpeter?
That's his name. Don't wear it out.
Wait, who's playing
at Fuego Fest this year?
Tarzan Milkshake, Cornshaver,
Bingbingbingbing Dingdingding,
- Dense Baby, L'il Ridonkadonk.
- Whoa, that is gobs o' bands.
Why do you keep saying "gobs"?
I'm working on my brain, Granny.
I got this new word of the day app
from "Brainy AF" magazine.
Basically, they give you a word each day
that you're supposed to use.
Today's word is "gobs," G-O-B-S.
And it means "a lot,"
so I'm trying to use it
gobs of times. [CHUCKLES]
Well, I look forward to
hearing more of your new words.
Thanks, I get one every day, so
Oh, speaking of ridonkadonk,
Lucy, you gotta try the quiche I made.
- It's noice.
- It is noice.
Okay.
Oh, shit. That is ridonkadonk.
Right? Come on, Andy.
You gotta try it out. It's noice.
Noice.
Man, what is wrong with you?
Cap worked hard on that quiche.
Well, you were snoring like
a motorcycle last night,
so I didn't get an ounce of sleep.
Earplugs, kid.
I use 'em so I don't wake myself up.
I had earplugs. They just don't work.
I go earplugs and head under the pillow.
Well, a few stations have a snore room
for the loud snorers,
and I think we should
invest in one 'cause I can't
take this much longer, Cap.
He can, like, barely
talk, he's so tired.
What are you talking about?
I'm talking at my normal
Holy crap, I'm starving.
I've been on the phone all morning.
- Hey, quiche.
- Yeah, get in there.
- Look at this.
- Uh-huh.
Yeah, it's noice, isn't it?
- That is noice.
- Noice.
So listen, I just got off the phone
with the city health department.
Turns out the guy with the monkey
was an exotic pets dealer.
He smuggled the monkey into the country,
and they think it has simian flu.
Oh, noice.
- Oh, wait, is that bad?
- Well, it can be.
The guy got sick in the ER,
so they had to quarantine him.
Now they want me to consider
a 14-day quarantine for us.
At home or in the station?
They'd prefer we
contain it in the station,
but it depends on who had
direct contact with the monkey.
So did any of you touch the monkey?
- [SIGHS]
- Uh
Ah, damn it, of course you did.
You guys can't stay
away from furry things.
That's why I hate animals.
Animals carry disease.
Cats don't.
Cat scratch fever,
and they give pink eye.
Pink eye, what are you talking about?
- Whose side are you on?
- What are the sides?
More importantly, what kind of exposure
did you guys have? Any
sneezing or coughing?
Close talking, spittle?
Does everybody eating
off the same fork count?
- Shit.
- Okay, you know what?
I think you're overreacting, Chief.
Quarantine's expensive.
Tons of overtime, plus
we have to divert manpower
to other stations. Not worth it.
Well, hold on, guys.
This could be kind of cool.
Like a slumber party
or something, you know?
You literally sleep here
every time you walk into the station.
This is a different circumstance.
We'll be together,
like, doing all the stuff
that we want to do.
We can make forts with the pillows.
It would be a two-week
paid station vacation.
No, we are not doing this.
I have a hairdressing
appointment at the salon
that I had to make
three months in advance.
I'm the captain of this crew.
You and I need to confer privately.
No need.
Based on the information,
I'm putting us in quarantine.
Oh, come on.
[UPBEAT ACOUSTIC MUSIC]
[GROANING]
Ugh, damn it!
This is great 'cause I'm
able to work on this novel
that I've been talking
about for so long now.
Bro, nobody reads books anymore.
- Welcome to the 20th century.
- Okay.
I'm gonna do 300 squats
every day of quarantine
so I come out of here with an ass
like Captain America, baby. [LAUGHS]
- Yeah.
- Ooh.
And I guess I'm gonna
learn how to bake bread.
As long as it doesn't make you grumpy.
People are no fun when they are grumpy.
- Is that a new word, Ike?
- Yeah, "grumpy."
- Huh.
- G-R-U-M-P-Y.
It means not fun to be around,
just, like, always in a bad mood.
- Like, "I'm grumpy."
- Yeah, I know what it means.
- Can I see the app real quick?
- Yeah, check it out.
- All right.
- It's on "grumpy" right now.
Oh, yeah, the word of the day app.
Huh, it's at elementary school level.
What?
Wow, kids are smart nowadays, huh?
Hmm, you know what?
I'm actually gonna
upgrade you to middle school
so you can get oodles smarter, okay?
- Oh, oodles.
- Yeah.
- Not a word, but okay.
- Hey, guys.
There isn't a lot about
simian flu in humans,
but Checkipedia says symptoms
include fever, cough, and sneezing.
It's airborne, so
coughing and sneezing
- are the main way it spreads.
- Huh.
Hey, I heard that people get
the tension of quarantine out
by doing primal screams.
Should we try one?
- Yeah, sure, why not?
- Oh, yeah.
Okay, three, two, one.
[ALL SCREAMING]
[LAUGHTER]
What the hell's going on in here?
Just some primal scream therapy.
Well, warn me next time, would you?
- Oh!
- Whoa.
Hey, look at this stuff
people are dropping off.
Look, we got video games,
DVDs, three trays of lasagna.
- Give me some lasagna!
- She loves lasagna.
Oh, look at this!
This is the new Reba McEntire CD.
She does a duet on
here with Leigh Weigh,
- gives me goose bumps.
- You always have goose bumps.
You're like a supermarket turkey.
You know what?
You have to get over being mad at me.
Maybe I will when
the McConky quarantine's over.
Ah, whatever.
Hey, who wants to play tetherball?
I do, and I'm gonna kick your ass.
[GRUNTS]
[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC]
[GRUNTING]
All right, okay, all
right, you made your point.
Have some of that, Warden.
Whoa, Cap, doesn't sound
like you're being
too cordial over there.
Come on, just serve. Let's go.
Hey, you know what would be fun?
Maybe we can do a sideburn
growing competition
where the person who
grows the weakest sideburns
over the quarantine has
to buy everybody drinks
- once this is done?
- In.
- Cordially in.
- I guess I better be in.
- I'm in too.
- You sure about that, Chiefy?
You've only got, like, 12 hair holes
in your entire face.
[CHUCKLES] Okay, come on, let's go.
- [GRUNTS]
- Whoa, sick vest, babe.
Hopefully I can get
out of here pretty soon
and I can make it to Fuego Fest.
I gave your pass to my pal Slocko.
- Maybe I can still go.
- Yeah, but probably not.
Hey, mushrooms are kicking in right now.
I need to roll. Later, girl!
Slocko, did you shit your pants already?
- [PHONE BEEPS]
- Bye.
Man, Miles just gave away
my pass to Fuego Fest.
Who's Miles?
My boyfriend, Miles Longpeter.
Miles Longpeter?
There's something about that name
that leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
Doesn't sound like he's
being too cordial either.
Hey, is Reba McEntire
playing that Fuego Festival?
I don't think she
could make it this year.
I saw her at Rebapalooza in 2003.
- She was awesome.
- Oh, she played Rebapalooza?
Yeah, yeah, she was the headliner.
Oh, check this out.
Males over 40 are the least likely
to catch simian flu from
a monkey or another human.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, young people
are more susceptible to
this than older people?
I'm out of here.
Hey, hey, no, no, no, okay.
You're not going anywhere.
Oh, you want another shot at the title?
Come on, let's go.
All right, this one is for my hairdo.
Good book.
- Hey, Captain.
- What's up?
You respect the chain of command
- in the station, right?
- Yeah.
That's why I'm allowing
myself to be imprisoned
even though you imposed this
on us without consulting me.
Well, your chief needs a bed.
You see the sign on the
door? Captain's Quarters.
You have a sign like that.
It says "Chief's Office."
Go sleep there.
You can have all the wild sex dreams
about Reba McEntire
that your heart desires.
Do not sully the name of Reba McEntire.
That woman is a national treasure.
Now, move over.
There's plenty of room.
You got a nice bed here. Come on.
- Oh.
- Whoa!
Are you kidding?
Hey, what are you
doing? Get off my side.
- Does that happen every time?
- Get over to your side.
What are you doing? [GRUNTS]
- How does my sister do it?
- Just move over.
I am moved over.
You got the whole side
of the bed over there.
It's hard because
gravity's pulling me.
- How's that?
- It's great.
FYI, Terry, I still like
to sleep in the nude.
Here.
- Can you put those over there?
- Ugh.
Okay.
FYI, I like to eat a sandwich
before I go to bed.
And this is my favorite
Pastrami, pickles, cheese,
mustard, onions.
This is the combo that
makes me the most gaseous,
and while I'm sleeping,
I'll sweat it out.
[CHUCKLES]
- Mmm, want a bite?
- No, thanks.
Are you gonna turn the light out?
Are you gonna eat in the dark?
Yeah, I know where my mouth is.
[SNORING INTENSELY]
It wouldn't be so bad
if he didn't sleep with his eyes open.
[SNORING INTENSELY]
I can't take 14 nights of this.
[SNORING INTENSELY]
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪♪
[FARTS]
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY, MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY]
[GRUNTS]
♪♪
[GRUNTS, SIGHS]
Okay, Terry, you want a war?
I'll give you a war
you won't believe.
[FARTING]
♪♪
Morning.
Did you get any sleep last night?
Not a wink. What is
it, day eight or nine?
Pretty sure it's only day eight.
We gotta get that snore
room ready for Granny,
or I'm gonna die.
I'll help.
♪♪
- Yeah!
- Whoo!
♪♪
[CHUCKLES] Snorage room.
Dude, look at this photo of Station 24
from, like, 100 years ago.
I'm pretty sure that is my
great-great-great-grandfather
Luigi Penisi.
- Oh, Luigi.
- This is cool.
I'm gonna go hang this
up in the briefing room.
Okay.
[LAUGHS] Snorage.
♪♪
- [DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]
- Oh, thank you, ladies.
I am attempting a new character here,
so give me a "whoop,
whoop" if you like it.
Whoop, whoop! Whoop, whoop!
I am going to attempt to dance for you
every single day, so
hit me up on Cashmo.
"Attempt," that's
one of your new words?
Uh-huh, I'm attempting
to use it gobs of times.
- Congratulations, man.
- Hey, check it out, boys.
I'm getting better.
Should start calling me Breddie Penisi.
Thank you.
I'll be here all week and next week too.
Smells awesome, Cap. I'm
attempted to take a bite.
- Dude, that's not how you
- No, no, no, I know.
I'm not gonna actually take a bite.
It's for later. I get it.
- Snore room is good to go.
- Oh, that's great.
I hope you have fun sleeping in there.
No, it's not for me.
- It's not?
- Hi, boo.
- Hey, bae!
- [GRUNTS]
Hey, what's good, Chiefy?
More gifts from the outside world.
- Oh.
- It's new stuff?
- Yeah.
- Wow.
Your left sideburn is weak.
- What?
- [CACKLES]
The right side of my
face is where all my T is.
- What does that mean?
- You know what it means.
I still have my right
nut, so all my testosterone
is on my right side, hence
the good right sideburn
and the weak left one.
Chief, use this time to brush up
on your biology, man.
Hey, um, if you wanted
to have some phone sex,
I could sneak away.
Oh, Tentwiper's taking
the stage right now!
I gotta roll. Later, girl.
- Lucy again?
- Yeah, dude, I know.
- She's so fucking annoying.
- Okay.
More Molly? Sure!
- Ugh.
- Another PlayStation 5?
- Whoa!
- Body powder.
Yeah, it's good for the crotch.
- Oh, tons of lasagna.
- Huh?
Yeah, I could go for some lasagna.
- Yeah.
- What's this bad boy?
- She's so sad.
- Ooh, "lukid" dream mask.
- Are you lucid dream mask.
- Lucid dream mask.
That's what I said. Shut up, Andy.
I've heard of those things.
They do, like, sensory stimulation
so you can manipulate your dreams.
Like, you can download all kinds
of different scenarios
and even celebrities.
Oh, like boat ride with
Sir Patrick Stewart.
Sure, if that's your thing.
Ooh, I could rake
leaves with Keanu Reeves.
Heyo, here's new simian flu info.
They've discovered the group
that's the lowest at risk,
- Italian men under 5'9".
- Say what, now?
It says, "The density of their T levels"
"packed into their smaller bodies
- "provides the best immunity."
- That makes total sense.
- Oh, yeah.
- I'm going home.
- Take it eas'.
- No, no, no, no, no.
- You're not going anywhere.
- Do not tell me what to do.
You made this call
without consulting me,
and now you're sleeping in my bed.
Meanwhile, as an Italian
man just slightly over 40
and just a hair under 5'9",
I'm the least at risk.
It's day three here,
and no one is even sick.
[SNEEZES]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
- Ugh, sorry.
- Whoa.
What? What?
It's allergy season! Stop!
We gotta put you in double quarantine.
You're being grumpy! Grumpy!
- Ah, guys!
- Sorry, dude.
G-R-U-M
[DOOR SLAMS, LOCK CLANKS]
Well, looks like I'll be sleeping
in the bunk room.
[CHUCKLES]
[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC]
[SNORING INTENSELY]
[SNORING CONTINUES]
Ugh.
Just had to get my sammy.
You're getting used to it now, right?
- [GROANS]
- Oh.
- Oh.
- Come on.
- Never get used to that.
- Oh.
Thanks for warming it up for me.
Oh, that's all right.
You just take your time.
I'm gonna try out
this lucid dreamer mask.
I'm gonna control my dreams tonight.
- Dreamer mask?
- Oh, yeah.
You remember this thing? Look.
Sports, nature, history,
and, of course, sex.
Oh, by the way,
I downloaded Reba McEntire.
- What?
- [CHUCKLES]
Oh, yeah.
Come on. Really?
No, it's good. You
get used to it, right?
[SNORING]
Oh, you're right, Reba.
I am "shexshually generoush."
Do me a favor and just say "citrus."
[CHUCKLES] "Shitrush."
[CHUCKLES]
Your "accshent ish sho shilly."
- You wanna shit on my face?
- Oh, come on.
- Oh, sit on my face.
- Shut up. God.
Oh, I didn't understand you
'cause of your "accshent."
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
[MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY]
[KEYBOARD CLACKING]
♪♪
Hey, Andy, getting some
good work done in here?
There's some nice weather
rolling in out there.
What do you want me to do about it?
Okay, well, tell you what.
Maybe I'll go grab some sandwiches.
I'll come back later,
and you could let me read
some of what you're writing.
We're gonna make a new rule.
When I'm in here
and you hear me typing
or whatever the fuck you hear me doing,
that means I'm working.
That means don't come in!
You think you can handle that, Terry?
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
What did you just say to me?
♪♪
Sorry, Chief.
Oh, I'm just I'm
just so sleep-deprived,
I don't know what's
happening! I'm so sorry!
- Toilet duty!
- I'm sorry!
[SOBBING] I'm losing it, man.
[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]
♪♪
[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC]
Ah-ah ♪
Wonder what kind of food they have
in the B and C shift fridge.
Don't even think about it, Luce.
Never touch another shift's fridge.
Whatever.
Bet you there's
some good shit in here.
[GRUNTS]
- Lucy.
- What?
Back up. Back up.
Back, back, back,
back, back, back, back.
We gotta get rid of Granny.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
His snoring is killing me.
What'd you have in mind?
I think we put him in double quarantine.
- How?
- We gotta get him to sneeze.
And then I'll take care of the rest.
What does take care of the rest mean?
I'm just at the beginning
of this process, okay?
- [SPUTTERS]
- What's the matter?
I just got off the phone
with the health department.
Diego the monkey's dead,
and they don't know why.
They're extending our
quarantine indefinitely.
[GASPS]
♪♪
- Damn it!
- [SIGHS]
My whole crew is going nuts,
and my hair situation is bullshit.
[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC]
Ah-ah ♪
♪♪
[GRUNTING]
[GRUNTS] Eddie?
[SNORING]
[TINKLING LULLABY MUSIC]
♪♪
- Everybody wake up!
- What what is it?
Eddie's gone. He broke quarantine.
[GASPS]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
♪♪
Get it! Get it!
Get it! Go on, girl!
Yeah, hit that thing!
- [LAUGHS]
- [GRUNTING]
Yes!
Psst! Hey, Myawani!
Hey, over here! At the picture!
[EERIE MUSIC]
♪♪
Myawani, hey!
♪♪
Pepper!
- What?
- Pepper.
You're speaking too softly.
Pepper!
[WITH ITALIAN ACCENT]
Hey, shut up-a you face-a!
- I'm-a trying to take a photo.
- Sorry, Cap.
I'm-a gonna be a big-a
Hollywood-a star-a someday.
♪♪
[WHISPERING] Pepper.
♪♪
Lucy, Lucy! Break it!
Damn lock!
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
Damn Fuego Fest!
Damn Slocko!
[LAUGHS MANIACALLY]
Here's Myawani!
- [GRUNTS]
- Oh!
Whoo, give it to me!
- Lasagna?
- What the fuck?
- Open the other one!
- Yes, yes, yes!
Yes, yes, yes, yes! [LAUGHS]
Great hit!
- Brie!
- Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho, snap.
♪♪
- Breddie Penisi.
- Yes!
♪♪
Oh, God.
Pepper.
Mmm.
♪♪
[SNEEZES]
♪♪
Granny's got the fever.
But it was just one sneeze!
Hey, better safe than sorry, okay?
♪♪
Oh, salutations.
Are you desisting your pervicacity
- and acquitting me?
- Sorry, what?
Am I emancipated,
or am I still immured sempiternally?
Yea or nay?
Ike, what happened to you in here?
Oh, I upgraded my word of the day
- to graduate level, so
- Oh.
Sorry, buddy, double quarantine.
- No way!
- Hey.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
what's going on here?
Oh, Granny's sick,
so I'm putting him
in quarantine with Ike.
Hi, hi, hi.
- Eddie ♪
- Hey!
Eddie, you better not
have gotten your hair done.
Look at my sideburns.
Does it look like I got my hair done?
No, I went and got CPAP
masks for my snorers.
Oh.
Noise-canceling headphones
for Lucy and Andy.
- Noice.
- Hey, thanks.
Toilet paper for everybody except me
because I've got a bidet.
Some Progaine for your
prepubescent-ass left sideburn.
And a little medium
ash brown for the kid.
Eddie, that was irresponsible.
I did it for my crew,
and I wore my SCBA the whole time.
[PHONE RINGING]
Cap, what was it like out there?
Lucy, it was more wonderful
than you could possibly imagine.
[TENDER MUSIC]
I felt the warm sun on my face.
It smelled like black
cottonwoods were in bloom.
Hey, that was the
city health department.
The test results came back negative.
Simian flu was a false alarm.
Quarantine is over!
[ALL CHEERING]
[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC]
- We're back.
- Oh.
By the way, while I was
out there in the real world,
I went home, and I fed my cat.
Andy, she's got pink eye.
- Told you.
- Wait a minute.
That's extremely contagious, you guys.
We should probably quarantine.
[LAUGHTER]
I'm serious. We should quarantine again.
♪♪
[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC]
♪♪
Good night, everyone!
Nighty-night!
- Good night.
- Good night.
♪♪
[CPAP MACHINES WHOOSHING]
- [SIGHS]
- God.
No, no, no, don't itch it.
Don't itch it. Don't itch it.
Right, right, sorry, sorry.
- Night.
- Good night.
[YELPS] Oh!
What the hell? I set it to Reba.
Hey, Terry, I uploaded
my photo to the mask.
Enjoy. [LAUGHS]
- Eddie!
- Oh.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Ugh.
[SPITS]
[SIREN WAILING]
Engine 24, Rescue 42, 35112 Mott Street.
Man hit by truck in his garage.
Engine 24 responding.
[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC]
♪♪
Well, I feel that ain't good ♪
And I guess that I could get crazy ♪
Hurry, he's bleeding badly.
♪♪
Uh, dispatch said he was hit by a truck.
He was.
ALL: Oh.
That's we thought
you meant a truck, truck.
I said toy truck on the phone.
With dispatch, you
gotta speak real slow.
- And who threw the toy truck?
- Diego threw the truck.
- Is Diego your son?
- No, that's Diego.
[CHATTERING]
- Oh!
- Oh, my gosh!
- Hi, Diego.
- Hi.
So cute. Congratulations.
Hey, what kind of
monkey is Diego anyway?
- A capuchin.
- No, thanks, I'm fine.
Had a couple of cups earlier.
What kind of monkey is Diego?
A capuchin.
Oh, boy. No, thank you. I'm fine.
And why did Diego throw the toy truck?
He's been cranky lately.
You never know what's
gonna set him off.
Sometimes it's a guy with
a dumb face and beady eyes.
Lucky there's none
of them around here.
- [CHUCKLES]
- What?
Hello. Whee, whoo, boo.
- [CHATTERING]
- Oh, it's not locked.
Oops, oh, he's actually coming out.
Hey, buddy, you're okay. He looks mad.
Oh, ow!
Oh, hey! Oh!
Ha-ha!
Oh!
Dispatch, I got a firefighter down.
- Hit by a car
- Ow!
- And a truck
- Ah!
- And a plane
- Ow!
- And, ooh, the shoe missed.
- Ow!
[SCREECHES]
[FOREIGNER'S "HOT BLOODED"]
♪♪
Well, I'm hot-blooded ♪
Check it and see ♪
I got a fever of 103 ♪
This quiche I made is the bomb.
- Ooh.
- Oh, yeah?
Looks like it has gobs
of cheese in it, guys.
It does. You gotta try it.
- It's noice.
- Mmm, this is noice.
Here, let me get into that.
- Ooh, no-ho-ho-hoice!
- Mm-hmm.
- I could eat gobs of this.
- Mm-hmm.
- Heyo!
- Hey.
I just got all my shifts
covered for the next two weeks,
so now I can go to Fuego Fest.
Noice. Who you going with?
- My new boyfriend, Miles.
- Miles Longpeter?
That's his name. Don't wear it out.
Wait, who's playing
at Fuego Fest this year?
Tarzan Milkshake, Cornshaver,
Bingbingbingbing Dingdingding,
- Dense Baby, L'il Ridonkadonk.
- Whoa, that is gobs o' bands.
Why do you keep saying "gobs"?
I'm working on my brain, Granny.
I got this new word of the day app
from "Brainy AF" magazine.
Basically, they give you a word each day
that you're supposed to use.
Today's word is "gobs," G-O-B-S.
And it means "a lot,"
so I'm trying to use it
gobs of times. [CHUCKLES]
Well, I look forward to
hearing more of your new words.
Thanks, I get one every day, so
Oh, speaking of ridonkadonk,
Lucy, you gotta try the quiche I made.
- It's noice.
- It is noice.
Okay.
Oh, shit. That is ridonkadonk.
Right? Come on, Andy.
You gotta try it out. It's noice.
Noice.
Man, what is wrong with you?
Cap worked hard on that quiche.
Well, you were snoring like
a motorcycle last night,
so I didn't get an ounce of sleep.
Earplugs, kid.
I use 'em so I don't wake myself up.
I had earplugs. They just don't work.
I go earplugs and head under the pillow.
Well, a few stations have a snore room
for the loud snorers,
and I think we should
invest in one 'cause I can't
take this much longer, Cap.
He can, like, barely
talk, he's so tired.
What are you talking about?
I'm talking at my normal
Holy crap, I'm starving.
I've been on the phone all morning.
- Hey, quiche.
- Yeah, get in there.
- Look at this.
- Uh-huh.
Yeah, it's noice, isn't it?
- That is noice.
- Noice.
So listen, I just got off the phone
with the city health department.
Turns out the guy with the monkey
was an exotic pets dealer.
He smuggled the monkey into the country,
and they think it has simian flu.
Oh, noice.
- Oh, wait, is that bad?
- Well, it can be.
The guy got sick in the ER,
so they had to quarantine him.
Now they want me to consider
a 14-day quarantine for us.
At home or in the station?
They'd prefer we
contain it in the station,
but it depends on who had
direct contact with the monkey.
So did any of you touch the monkey?
- [SIGHS]
- Uh
Ah, damn it, of course you did.
You guys can't stay
away from furry things.
That's why I hate animals.
Animals carry disease.
Cats don't.
Cat scratch fever,
and they give pink eye.
Pink eye, what are you talking about?
- Whose side are you on?
- What are the sides?
More importantly, what kind of exposure
did you guys have? Any
sneezing or coughing?
Close talking, spittle?
Does everybody eating
off the same fork count?
- Shit.
- Okay, you know what?
I think you're overreacting, Chief.
Quarantine's expensive.
Tons of overtime, plus
we have to divert manpower
to other stations. Not worth it.
Well, hold on, guys.
This could be kind of cool.
Like a slumber party
or something, you know?
You literally sleep here
every time you walk into the station.
This is a different circumstance.
We'll be together,
like, doing all the stuff
that we want to do.
We can make forts with the pillows.
It would be a two-week
paid station vacation.
No, we are not doing this.
I have a hairdressing
appointment at the salon
that I had to make
three months in advance.
I'm the captain of this crew.
You and I need to confer privately.
No need.
Based on the information,
I'm putting us in quarantine.
Oh, come on.
[UPBEAT ACOUSTIC MUSIC]
[GROANING]
Ugh, damn it!
This is great 'cause I'm
able to work on this novel
that I've been talking
about for so long now.
Bro, nobody reads books anymore.
- Welcome to the 20th century.
- Okay.
I'm gonna do 300 squats
every day of quarantine
so I come out of here with an ass
like Captain America, baby. [LAUGHS]
- Yeah.
- Ooh.
And I guess I'm gonna
learn how to bake bread.
As long as it doesn't make you grumpy.
People are no fun when they are grumpy.
- Is that a new word, Ike?
- Yeah, "grumpy."
- Huh.
- G-R-U-M-P-Y.
It means not fun to be around,
just, like, always in a bad mood.
- Like, "I'm grumpy."
- Yeah, I know what it means.
- Can I see the app real quick?
- Yeah, check it out.
- All right.
- It's on "grumpy" right now.
Oh, yeah, the word of the day app.
Huh, it's at elementary school level.
What?
Wow, kids are smart nowadays, huh?
Hmm, you know what?
I'm actually gonna
upgrade you to middle school
so you can get oodles smarter, okay?
- Oh, oodles.
- Yeah.
- Not a word, but okay.
- Hey, guys.
There isn't a lot about
simian flu in humans,
but Checkipedia says symptoms
include fever, cough, and sneezing.
It's airborne, so
coughing and sneezing
- are the main way it spreads.
- Huh.
Hey, I heard that people get
the tension of quarantine out
by doing primal screams.
Should we try one?
- Yeah, sure, why not?
- Oh, yeah.
Okay, three, two, one.
[ALL SCREAMING]
[LAUGHTER]
What the hell's going on in here?
Just some primal scream therapy.
Well, warn me next time, would you?
- Oh!
- Whoa.
Hey, look at this stuff
people are dropping off.
Look, we got video games,
DVDs, three trays of lasagna.
- Give me some lasagna!
- She loves lasagna.
Oh, look at this!
This is the new Reba McEntire CD.
She does a duet on
here with Leigh Weigh,
- gives me goose bumps.
- You always have goose bumps.
You're like a supermarket turkey.
You know what?
You have to get over being mad at me.
Maybe I will when
the McConky quarantine's over.
Ah, whatever.
Hey, who wants to play tetherball?
I do, and I'm gonna kick your ass.
[GRUNTS]
[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC]
[GRUNTING]
All right, okay, all
right, you made your point.
Have some of that, Warden.
Whoa, Cap, doesn't sound
like you're being
too cordial over there.
Come on, just serve. Let's go.
Hey, you know what would be fun?
Maybe we can do a sideburn
growing competition
where the person who
grows the weakest sideburns
over the quarantine has
to buy everybody drinks
- once this is done?
- In.
- Cordially in.
- I guess I better be in.
- I'm in too.
- You sure about that, Chiefy?
You've only got, like, 12 hair holes
in your entire face.
[CHUCKLES] Okay, come on, let's go.
- [GRUNTS]
- Whoa, sick vest, babe.
Hopefully I can get
out of here pretty soon
and I can make it to Fuego Fest.
I gave your pass to my pal Slocko.
- Maybe I can still go.
- Yeah, but probably not.
Hey, mushrooms are kicking in right now.
I need to roll. Later, girl!
Slocko, did you shit your pants already?
- [PHONE BEEPS]
- Bye.
Man, Miles just gave away
my pass to Fuego Fest.
Who's Miles?
My boyfriend, Miles Longpeter.
Miles Longpeter?
There's something about that name
that leaves a bad taste in my mouth.
Doesn't sound like he's
being too cordial either.
Hey, is Reba McEntire
playing that Fuego Festival?
I don't think she
could make it this year.
I saw her at Rebapalooza in 2003.
- She was awesome.
- Oh, she played Rebapalooza?
Yeah, yeah, she was the headliner.
Oh, check this out.
Males over 40 are the least likely
to catch simian flu from
a monkey or another human.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, young people
are more susceptible to
this than older people?
I'm out of here.
Hey, hey, no, no, no, okay.
You're not going anywhere.
Oh, you want another shot at the title?
Come on, let's go.
All right, this one is for my hairdo.
Good book.
- Hey, Captain.
- What's up?
You respect the chain of command
- in the station, right?
- Yeah.
That's why I'm allowing
myself to be imprisoned
even though you imposed this
on us without consulting me.
Well, your chief needs a bed.
You see the sign on the
door? Captain's Quarters.
You have a sign like that.
It says "Chief's Office."
Go sleep there.
You can have all the wild sex dreams
about Reba McEntire
that your heart desires.
Do not sully the name of Reba McEntire.
That woman is a national treasure.
Now, move over.
There's plenty of room.
You got a nice bed here. Come on.
- Oh.
- Whoa!
Are you kidding?
Hey, what are you
doing? Get off my side.
- Does that happen every time?
- Get over to your side.
What are you doing? [GRUNTS]
- How does my sister do it?
- Just move over.
I am moved over.
You got the whole side
of the bed over there.
It's hard because
gravity's pulling me.
- How's that?
- It's great.
FYI, Terry, I still like
to sleep in the nude.
Here.
- Can you put those over there?
- Ugh.
Okay.
FYI, I like to eat a sandwich
before I go to bed.
And this is my favorite
Pastrami, pickles, cheese,
mustard, onions.
This is the combo that
makes me the most gaseous,
and while I'm sleeping,
I'll sweat it out.
[CHUCKLES]
- Mmm, want a bite?
- No, thanks.
Are you gonna turn the light out?
Are you gonna eat in the dark?
Yeah, I know where my mouth is.
[SNORING INTENSELY]
It wouldn't be so bad
if he didn't sleep with his eyes open.
[SNORING INTENSELY]
I can't take 14 nights of this.
[SNORING INTENSELY]
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪♪
[FARTS]
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY, MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY]
[GRUNTS]
♪♪
[GRUNTS, SIGHS]
Okay, Terry, you want a war?
I'll give you a war
you won't believe.
[FARTING]
♪♪
Morning.
Did you get any sleep last night?
Not a wink. What is
it, day eight or nine?
Pretty sure it's only day eight.
We gotta get that snore
room ready for Granny,
or I'm gonna die.
I'll help.
♪♪
- Yeah!
- Whoo!
♪♪
[CHUCKLES] Snorage room.
Dude, look at this photo of Station 24
from, like, 100 years ago.
I'm pretty sure that is my
great-great-great-grandfather
Luigi Penisi.
- Oh, Luigi.
- This is cool.
I'm gonna go hang this
up in the briefing room.
Okay.
[LAUGHS] Snorage.
♪♪
- [DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]
- Oh, thank you, ladies.
I am attempting a new character here,
so give me a "whoop,
whoop" if you like it.
Whoop, whoop! Whoop, whoop!
I am going to attempt to dance for you
every single day, so
hit me up on Cashmo.
"Attempt," that's
one of your new words?
Uh-huh, I'm attempting
to use it gobs of times.
- Congratulations, man.
- Hey, check it out, boys.
I'm getting better.
Should start calling me Breddie Penisi.
Thank you.
I'll be here all week and next week too.
Smells awesome, Cap. I'm
attempted to take a bite.
- Dude, that's not how you
- No, no, no, I know.
I'm not gonna actually take a bite.
It's for later. I get it.
- Snore room is good to go.
- Oh, that's great.
I hope you have fun sleeping in there.
No, it's not for me.
- It's not?
- Hi, boo.
- Hey, bae!
- [GRUNTS]
Hey, what's good, Chiefy?
More gifts from the outside world.
- Oh.
- It's new stuff?
- Yeah.
- Wow.
Your left sideburn is weak.
- What?
- [CACKLES]
The right side of my
face is where all my T is.
- What does that mean?
- You know what it means.
I still have my right
nut, so all my testosterone
is on my right side, hence
the good right sideburn
and the weak left one.
Chief, use this time to brush up
on your biology, man.
Hey, um, if you wanted
to have some phone sex,
I could sneak away.
Oh, Tentwiper's taking
the stage right now!
I gotta roll. Later, girl.
- Lucy again?
- Yeah, dude, I know.
- She's so fucking annoying.
- Okay.
More Molly? Sure!
- Ugh.
- Another PlayStation 5?
- Whoa!
- Body powder.
Yeah, it's good for the crotch.
- Oh, tons of lasagna.
- Huh?
Yeah, I could go for some lasagna.
- Yeah.
- What's this bad boy?
- She's so sad.
- Ooh, "lukid" dream mask.
- Are you lucid dream mask.
- Lucid dream mask.
That's what I said. Shut up, Andy.
I've heard of those things.
They do, like, sensory stimulation
so you can manipulate your dreams.
Like, you can download all kinds
of different scenarios
and even celebrities.
Oh, like boat ride with
Sir Patrick Stewart.
Sure, if that's your thing.
Ooh, I could rake
leaves with Keanu Reeves.
Heyo, here's new simian flu info.
They've discovered the group
that's the lowest at risk,
- Italian men under 5'9".
- Say what, now?
It says, "The density of their T levels"
"packed into their smaller bodies
- "provides the best immunity."
- That makes total sense.
- Oh, yeah.
- I'm going home.
- Take it eas'.
- No, no, no, no, no.
- You're not going anywhere.
- Do not tell me what to do.
You made this call
without consulting me,
and now you're sleeping in my bed.
Meanwhile, as an Italian
man just slightly over 40
and just a hair under 5'9",
I'm the least at risk.
It's day three here,
and no one is even sick.
[SNEEZES]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
- Ugh, sorry.
- Whoa.
What? What?
It's allergy season! Stop!
We gotta put you in double quarantine.
You're being grumpy! Grumpy!
- Ah, guys!
- Sorry, dude.
G-R-U-M
[DOOR SLAMS, LOCK CLANKS]
Well, looks like I'll be sleeping
in the bunk room.
[CHUCKLES]
[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC]
[SNORING INTENSELY]
[SNORING CONTINUES]
Ugh.
Just had to get my sammy.
You're getting used to it now, right?
- [GROANS]
- Oh.
- Oh.
- Come on.
- Never get used to that.
- Oh.
Thanks for warming it up for me.
Oh, that's all right.
You just take your time.
I'm gonna try out
this lucid dreamer mask.
I'm gonna control my dreams tonight.
- Dreamer mask?
- Oh, yeah.
You remember this thing? Look.
Sports, nature, history,
and, of course, sex.
Oh, by the way,
I downloaded Reba McEntire.
- What?
- [CHUCKLES]
Oh, yeah.
Come on. Really?
No, it's good. You
get used to it, right?
[SNORING]
Oh, you're right, Reba.
I am "shexshually generoush."
Do me a favor and just say "citrus."
[CHUCKLES] "Shitrush."
[CHUCKLES]
Your "accshent ish sho shilly."
- You wanna shit on my face?
- Oh, come on.
- Oh, sit on my face.
- Shut up. God.
Oh, I didn't understand you
'cause of your "accshent."
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
[MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY]
[KEYBOARD CLACKING]
♪♪
Hey, Andy, getting some
good work done in here?
There's some nice weather
rolling in out there.
What do you want me to do about it?
Okay, well, tell you what.
Maybe I'll go grab some sandwiches.
I'll come back later,
and you could let me read
some of what you're writing.
We're gonna make a new rule.
When I'm in here
and you hear me typing
or whatever the fuck you hear me doing,
that means I'm working.
That means don't come in!
You think you can handle that, Terry?
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
What did you just say to me?
♪♪
Sorry, Chief.
Oh, I'm just I'm
just so sleep-deprived,
I don't know what's
happening! I'm so sorry!
- Toilet duty!
- I'm sorry!
[SOBBING] I'm losing it, man.
[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]
♪♪
[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC]
Ah-ah ♪
Wonder what kind of food they have
in the B and C shift fridge.
Don't even think about it, Luce.
Never touch another shift's fridge.
Whatever.
Bet you there's
some good shit in here.
[GRUNTS]
- Lucy.
- What?
Back up. Back up.
Back, back, back,
back, back, back, back.
We gotta get rid of Granny.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
His snoring is killing me.
What'd you have in mind?
I think we put him in double quarantine.
- How?
- We gotta get him to sneeze.
And then I'll take care of the rest.
What does take care of the rest mean?
I'm just at the beginning
of this process, okay?
- [SPUTTERS]
- What's the matter?
I just got off the phone
with the health department.
Diego the monkey's dead,
and they don't know why.
They're extending our
quarantine indefinitely.
[GASPS]
♪♪
- Damn it!
- [SIGHS]
My whole crew is going nuts,
and my hair situation is bullshit.
[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC]
Ah-ah ♪
♪♪
[GRUNTING]
[GRUNTS] Eddie?
[SNORING]
[TINKLING LULLABY MUSIC]
♪♪
- Everybody wake up!
- What what is it?
Eddie's gone. He broke quarantine.
[GASPS]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
♪♪
Get it! Get it!
Get it! Go on, girl!
Yeah, hit that thing!
- [LAUGHS]
- [GRUNTING]
Yes!
Psst! Hey, Myawani!
Hey, over here! At the picture!
[EERIE MUSIC]
♪♪
Myawani, hey!
♪♪
Pepper!
- What?
- Pepper.
You're speaking too softly.
Pepper!
[WITH ITALIAN ACCENT]
Hey, shut up-a you face-a!
- I'm-a trying to take a photo.
- Sorry, Cap.
I'm-a gonna be a big-a
Hollywood-a star-a someday.
♪♪
[WHISPERING] Pepper.
♪♪
Lucy, Lucy! Break it!
Damn lock!
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
Damn Fuego Fest!
Damn Slocko!
[LAUGHS MANIACALLY]
Here's Myawani!
- [GRUNTS]
- Oh!
Whoo, give it to me!
- Lasagna?
- What the fuck?
- Open the other one!
- Yes, yes, yes!
Yes, yes, yes, yes! [LAUGHS]
Great hit!
- Brie!
- Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho, snap.
♪♪
- Breddie Penisi.
- Yes!
♪♪
Oh, God.
Pepper.
Mmm.
♪♪
[SNEEZES]
♪♪
Granny's got the fever.
But it was just one sneeze!
Hey, better safe than sorry, okay?
♪♪
Oh, salutations.
Are you desisting your pervicacity
- and acquitting me?
- Sorry, what?
Am I emancipated,
or am I still immured sempiternally?
Yea or nay?
Ike, what happened to you in here?
Oh, I upgraded my word of the day
- to graduate level, so
- Oh.
Sorry, buddy, double quarantine.
- No way!
- Hey.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
what's going on here?
Oh, Granny's sick,
so I'm putting him
in quarantine with Ike.
Hi, hi, hi.
- Eddie ♪
- Hey!
Eddie, you better not
have gotten your hair done.
Look at my sideburns.
Does it look like I got my hair done?
No, I went and got CPAP
masks for my snorers.
Oh.
Noise-canceling headphones
for Lucy and Andy.
- Noice.
- Hey, thanks.
Toilet paper for everybody except me
because I've got a bidet.
Some Progaine for your
prepubescent-ass left sideburn.
And a little medium
ash brown for the kid.
Eddie, that was irresponsible.
I did it for my crew,
and I wore my SCBA the whole time.
[PHONE RINGING]
Cap, what was it like out there?
Lucy, it was more wonderful
than you could possibly imagine.
[TENDER MUSIC]
I felt the warm sun on my face.
It smelled like black
cottonwoods were in bloom.
Hey, that was the
city health department.
The test results came back negative.
Simian flu was a false alarm.
Quarantine is over!
[ALL CHEERING]
[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC]
- We're back.
- Oh.
By the way, while I was
out there in the real world,
I went home, and I fed my cat.
Andy, she's got pink eye.
- Told you.
- Wait a minute.
That's extremely contagious, you guys.
We should probably quarantine.
[LAUGHTER]
I'm serious. We should quarantine again.
♪♪
[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC]
♪♪
Good night, everyone!
Nighty-night!
- Good night.
- Good night.
♪♪
[CPAP MACHINES WHOOSHING]
- [SIGHS]
- God.
No, no, no, don't itch it.
Don't itch it. Don't itch it.
Right, right, sorry, sorry.
- Night.
- Good night.
[YELPS] Oh!
What the hell? I set it to Reba.
Hey, Terry, I uploaded
my photo to the mask.
Enjoy. [LAUGHS]
- Eddie!
- Oh.
- [CHUCKLES]
- Ugh.
[SPITS]