Tacoma FD (2019) s03e02 Episode Script

Hell Week

This is never easy
We've been together a long time.
You've always been there for me
with comfort and support.
Can't believe we're parting ways.
Wow, this is hard.
You really crying over a chair?
Not crying. I'm just saying goodbye.
Let it go. It has no back support.
It has no butt support.
You know what it has? Emotional support.
I've had this thing forever.
I rocked our babies in this chair.
I watched the Mariners beat
the Yankees in '95 in that chair.
I surfed the internet for the first time
in that chair on a dial-up modem.
You have trouble parting with things:
your cars, your clothes.
You still have that Chumbawamba
concert T-shirt from the '90s.
When you were pregnant with Lucy,
your water broke in that chair.
And I thought you should've
gotten rid of it then.
Come on, look at it!
My baby.
- Whoa-ho-ho.
- Okay, okay.
- Whoa-ho-ho-ho.
- All right, all right.
- Whoa-ho-ho!
- Oh, dear.
- That's my girl!
- Yeah.
Oh, she still has pep!
Honey, she's had a good life.
Just get a new one,
and then you can keep
the new one for 30 years.
- Where's my laundry?
- How old is she?
Maybe it's time to put her on this pile.
Okay, you're in the pile, pal.
Oh, hey, look, my old VCR tapes.
There's some real gold in here.
Hey, honey, you want to
watch "Moulin Rouge!" tonight?
You don't want to go, do you?
I know just what to do with you.
- Oh, my God.
- No, stop, stop, stop.
I told you, you have a lack of rhythm.
- Do not do that.
- I can't help it.
It's kind of a big week.
- It is?
- What's going on?
It's my last week of probation.
Oh, we're familiar.
I think it's Hell Week.
Oh, yeah!
I love Hell Week!
Yeah, I think Hell Week
is better than Christmas.
I'll tell you this much.
I'm ready for whatever
lame ass pranks you guys have planned,
so bring it on.
Maybe our pranks wouldn't be so lame
if we weren't taking it easy on you
since your dad is the Chief.
What does that mean?
It means, as Daddy's little girl,
you basically got to coast
all through your probationary period.
It's pure nepotism.
Coasting around being neptolyptic.
That's not the word.
Our probation periods were savage.
- Oh, brutal!
- Look at this!
Hose nozzle to the
face, scratched cornea.
See that dent on the wall?
That's from my head.
They blacked out my
SCBA and made me chase
after a chicken all
through the break room!
- Cluck, cluck, motherfucka.
- Boom!
Hm, what's this? Oh, fractured patella.
That's when Andy had to chase
a chicken around the break room!
- Yeah.
- Two separate injuries, same thing.
You guys are so strange. Give it a rest.
- No one said to go easy on me.
- Actually, your dad did.
Well, that's too bad
because I'm still smarter
and better than you.
So you can either complain about it,
or you can try your pranks, your choice.
Don't tell us what our choices are.
- Hey, hey, hey!
- Hey.
Huh? Congratulations.
It's Lucy's last week as a probie.
We were just talking about that.
- Yeah, we were.
- When you're done celebrating,
come see me in my office.
Ooh, I hope she's in trouble.
No one's in trouble.
We just got a couple things to go over
with the soon-to-be firefightress.
Wow. You know what?
I bet you Lucy's getting a raise.
Okay, everyone gets a raise
when their probation period's over.
- They do?
- Oh, my God.
You guys need to stop
being such weak tits.
- Okay.
- Yeah, what's a weak tit?
- What is a weak tit?
- I don't know.
Oh, no, no, no, what is
that thing doing here?
Oh, Vicky wanted me to throw it out,
so I promoted it to Chief's chair.
You know, I'm pretty
sure on my 30th birthday,
I got wasted and pissed
all over that thing.
You did that on your 39th birthday too.
- And yet you still have it.
- It's a good chair.
Look at the blast zone on that thing.
There's literally a crater
in the center of the seat.
There's some wear and tear, yeah.
Wear and tear?
It's like you took a gassy pressure
washer to it for decades.
No chair wants to be abused like that.
Any chair would be happy to
be as engaged as that one.
Engaged? More like suffocated.
Think about how much of you
that chair has had to inhale.
Think of the methane gas concentration
in the seat of that chair.
- It's a fire hazard.
- Nah, it's perfectly good.
This chair's old school, man, like me.
That's why it's in
this office. Oh-ho-ho!
Do you think every time
you fall into that thing,
it's like "Oh!"
Oh, come on, it's perfectly fine.
It doesn't recline like it used to,
but sturdy, comfortable-ish.
You are so stubborn,
man. Get rid of that thing.
What's up, Daddio?
Whoa, is that your hot wings chair?
Lucy, we called you in
here 'cause we want to talk
about your last week of probation.
About where we're gonna
do celebratory dinner?
I was thinking we could do Thai.
No, about the fact that
you're about to become
a firefighter, and we're
not sure you're ready for it.
- Uncle Eddie?
- It's true.
That's problem number one:
your familiarity.
You don't respect the hierarchy.
Or fire-archy.
Outside these walls, you're my daughter,
and you're his niece,
but inside these walls,
I'm the Chief, and he's the Captain.
- But, Dad
- It's Chief.
You know what? I blame myself.
- I'm an enabler.
- She should know better.
You skated through your probation.
You still live at home.
Why are you being so prickly?
Because you've had it
easy, and you know it.
Now it's time to grow up
and become a firefighter.
Hiya, Chief. Murph here.
Is this brand-new Deputy
Commissioner Brad Murphy?
- The one and only.
- What do you say, Murph?
I just wanted to reach
out in my new capacity
and let you know if there's
anything you guys need,
I'm here for you.
I appreciate that, Murph.
Hey, beers on me next week.
You got it, Chief.
I'll make my way over there
soon for an official visit.
Bye now.
All right, thanks, Murph.
Do not cozy up to that guy, Chief.
Brad Murphy will throw you under
the bus at the drop of a hat.
Maybe, but I respect
the chain of command.
- That's a good point.
- And you should too.
What we do here is very important.
This job means everything to
me, and it should to you too.
- It does!
- Good.
And good luck on your Hell Week.
Oh, hey, Luce, those guys
are gonna come at you hard.
- I hope you're ready.
- I hope they're ready.
Yeah. Dismissed.
Oh, jeez, okay.
Look at you. Come on, it's ridiculous.
- Get rid of that thing.
- Just let it go.
Okay, you know, Terry,
I think I understand
what's going on here.
Are you familiar with the
tale of the Velveteen Rabbit?
Well, Vicky did all the bedtime reading,
except "Very Hungry Caterpillar."
That's a good one
Oh, and "Goodnight Moon."
That was dope.
Yeah, okay, well,
Velveteen Rabbit is about
a young boy who loves on
his stuffed rabbit so much
that he loves the fur off
it, loves the whiskers off it.
The pink nose turns gray.
He hugs the stuffing right out of it.
All the shape is gone.
This is the Velveteen Chair.
That boy sounds like a frugal young man
who enjoyed what he had.
Yeah, but then the young
boy got a new stuffed rabbit,
- and I'm getting you a new chair.
- What's in this for you?
Why do you always assume
I'm after something?
Because you're always after something.
You're my friend.
Your wellbeing is important to me.
That chair hurts your back
and undermines your authority.
I'm getting you a new chair,
and that's it.
I don't need a chair okay.
- So no dick pranks, right?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's pretty limiting.
What about when Meyers put
the Zany Glue in the underwear?
- That was a good one.
- Yeah, we could do that one.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
- Dick prank.
- It is?
- Oh, yeah.
No, it is, 'cause he had his
dick stuck to the underwear.
- Oh.
- Hey, wait!
Is there such thing as vagina pranks?
- Ooh, let me look it up.
- Look it up, vagina pranks.
- V-A-G
- I know how to
- Here, let me.
- I know how to spell it.
- Do it on voice.
- Say it, say it, say it.
Show me vagina pranks.
"Did you mean dick pranks?"
- No, we didn't.
- Oh, man.
Hey, hey!
Ow, ow!
- Stop, stop, stop!
- Ow!
You kids today know
nothing about a good prank.
It's all dance challenges and TikToks.
In my day,
pranks shook a man to his core.
How long have we had that chalkboard?
That's the problem, Cap.
How can we shake the
chief's daughter to her core?
- He'll kill us.
- Don't be so sure about that.
- Ahh!
- Oh, God, Jesus Christ.
Where'd you come from?
Lucy deserves a good
Hell Week like any other probie.
You have my blessing to do your worst.
Oh, really?
Shh, shh!
Hell Week is on.
One ring!
Two rings!
Station 24.
Yeah, hi, I have a health question.
Go ahead.
If I ate myself, would
I be twice as big?
Sir, can you hang on one second?
We just got an order
of creatine delivered.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
Guys, help me out here! Hold on!
Prank calls? Really, guys?
- What is this, the '90s?
- We're just getting warmed up.
- Okay.
- Ah. Whoo!
Guess what, hotshot?
Don't mess with
a man's creatine delivery!
That's crossing the line, you know.
Too easy.
We need to take a posture quiz.
I don't want to take a quiz, Eddie.
But we need to figure out
what kind of chair you need.
- I have a chair!
- Okay, any pain in your neck?
- You.
- That's a yes.
- Wrist pain?
- From my chair?
It has to do with the
angle at which you type.
The angle at which I type
is seated like most people.
Do you eat at your desk?
That's a yes.
How often do you go to the bathroom?
That's none of your business.
I don't make the questions.
Is it less than five times or more?
Depends what I have for lunch.
How about a pastrami sandwich?
- More.
- Do you prefer your feet
to touch the ground or to dangle?
- I'm an adult.
- Face shape:
oval, square, round, triangle?
- Oval.
- Round.
Do you prefer hugs or kisses?
What the hell has that
got to do with anything?
I'm just kidding.
All right, let me tabulate.
Okay, this is interesting.
This recommends a standing desk for you.
What? I didn't become
Chief to stand all day.
- I want a chair.
- I'm sorry, what's that?
- I want a chair!
- I knew you'd agree.
Let me get you some options.
- You tricked me.
- Yeah.
- Oh, man, so many dishes.
- Come on, come on.
It's gonna take all night.
I know you guys are
doing never-ending dishes,
but I'll just keep
going until you give up.
My arms are getting tired anyway.
Thanks a lot, Andy. You blew it, man.
How? How?
- You just did, man.
- She can tell!
What? Did you see my swoop?
I was doing this.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, I think this might
be the answer for you.
I don't know about this, Eddie.
Come on, it's great for your back.
It's great for a nap.
You've got blood flowing.
I can taste the blood.
Your belly's up by your throat now.
My eyes feel like they're gonna pop.
- I love it.
- Eh.
I don't think I like
this view of the world.
- Eddie, help me out.
- Stay right there.
Stop that. Don't post that!
- It's fantastic.
- Come on!
I don't get it. What is this?
It's a kneeling chair. You kneel on it.
- You kneel on the chair?
- You kneel on it.
You've got your knees in the front.
- Oh, yeah, there you go.
- Put the knees in here?
- I think so.
- Like this?
Who would do this?
People who want a straight back.
You feel anything in your haunches?
- No, am I doing it right?
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
You look great from here.
Gravity's a bitch.
- Oh, yeah, come on.
- Look at this! Huh?
- This is interesting.
- Look at this.
It's impossible to break.
"Burst resistant."
"Anti-burst technology."
- So you can't break it?
- Yeah, I think we found one.
Yeah, I could go with this.
I have never seen that before.
- I want my chair back.
- I want my money back.
Engine 24 Rescue 42 on a
still to 1 Leonard Street
priority 2 for a man
stuck in a jungle gym.
Coleslaw, nice.
Hey, do you want some chicken
and waffles with those?
We got her, guys!
All right, I'm right there, I'm right
Oh, glue, really? Ah, oh!
Honestly, guys, it would be
so much easier if she just
Don't say it!
- If she had a dick.
- Hey!
I will use this to close your ass shut.
Why are you mad at me?
You don't have to glue my ass shut.
- Glue her ass no
- Come here.
Stop, stop!
I give you the ErgonomoFit
from Battlestar Sciatica.
Where are you getting all these chairs?
I'm sleeping with the floor
manager over at Chair Supply.
- We like to sit on each other.
- Hm, figures. How much is it?
Terry, you can't put a price on health.
Actually, you can.
Oh, wow.
- Oh. Oh, damn.
- Am I right?
- This is amazing.
- Uh-huh.
Let's try some of this shit.
Oh, oh-ho, oh!
- I think my hips just realigned.
- I knew they would.
You know, I was
suspicious of your motives,
but this chair is pretty good.
Why are you always
questioning my motives?
- 25 years experience!
- I want you to be well.
- How much does it cost?
- Two grand.
- Two thousand dollars?
- Yeah.
- For that?
- Mm-hmm.
Eddie, I'm a fire chief,
not a Kansas City Chief.
Terry, treat yourself,
don't cheat yourself.
How long you been sitting on that line?
I don't know; how long
you been sitting on
- that Kansas City Chief line?
- Touché.
I'm not buying this chair.
Terry, come on, sit in
it again, one more time.
It feels so good.
- It is amazing.
- It's noice.
It is noice.
If your back's toight,
it'll make it roight.
- Ahh!
- Oh!
I'm starting to think
you're the problem.
I want my chair back!
You missed a spot.
Hey, Cap! How goes the old chair hunt?
Not great, turns out "sturdy"
is the most important element
in a Terry McConky chair.
Why are you really doing this?
Why does everybody assume
I have an ulterior motive?
- Because you always do.
- Okay, fine, here's the deal.
I figure if I can convince
him to get a new chair,
then I can get a new chair
and get us new BarcaLoungers.
- Hey, no you're talking.
- That's my cap!
Can we get the ones that vibrate?
- Or the heated ones?
- Hey, back to work, probie!
Oh, my God. What kind of hazing is this?
You gave her a paintbrush?
- Yeah.
- When I was a probie,
they made me paint this entire
wall with just my tongue.
- Ew.
- You guys are soft.
Damn, what is up with this can?
- Can you guys help we with this?
- Soft, huh?
Pass it over, toots.
Don't do it, Ike.
- It's a setup.
- Setup for what?
I just can't get it.
Brute strength isn't gonna do it.
- Brute strength always works!
- No.
What are you gonna do?
It's not a pickle jar, knucklehead.
Damn it! I'll do it
myself. Give it to me.
Granny, don't.
Look at your fake-ass
muscles. Give it to me.
Eddie, I thought you were
bringing my chair back.
It's right here. I got it.
You know what? Actually, forget the can.
- We got it!
- No, it's okay.
Hey, did Lucy give you that can to open?
Yeah, we got it.
You know that's the jack-in-the-box
paint can trick.
- Chief, we got it!
- Gah!
My chair!
Dad, I-I'm sorry, it was supposed
I don't want to hear it!
But it was supposed to land on them!
It landed in my chair.
I told you it was time to grow up,
but I guess you're not ready,
so I'm extending your
probation indefinitely!
Dad, no, you can't do that
It's Chief and yes, I can.
On top of that, you're moving
out of my house immediately!
- You're kicking me out?
- Yes.
You're gonna keep that chair,
but you're getting rid of me?
The chair doesn't act like a child.
Andy, clean up that chair!
Why me?
Oh, man.
Luce, if you're looking
for a place to stay,
I do have a friend of mine,
a stripper from the club,
she needs a roommate.
She makes good macaroni.
You want to extend my probie period?
You guys want to see
a prank from a probie
on indefinite probation?
Lucy, no! Chief is off limits.
But I'm his daughter, remember?
Hey, hey, hey, Lucy.
Don't do anything you're gonna regret.
What's he gonna do,
kick me out of the house?
You guys are gonna be talking
about this prank for years.
That's how long you
gonna be on probation!
No, no, no, no, no, no!
We're not allowed to drive the SUV!
Okay, power drill,
check. Baby head, check.
Rubber chicken, check.
Quick-dry cement, check.
Now we just need one more thing
for the most epic prank ever.
Oh, shit.
Oh, this is bad.
This is very bad.
And then I went
outside, and it was gone!
What are you laughing at?
- You're screwed.
- Lucy,
we told you not to do it, didn't we?
You guys, come on.
Hey, don't worry about it, Lucy.
I'll call Salazar, see
what the cops know, okay?
- Thank you, Andy.
- Lucy!
I talked to your mom.
She's willing to help
you find an apartment.
The coddling never ends.
Hey, Chief, I need to talk
to you about something.
When I get back I gotta
go to a meeting at City Hall.
- But, Chief, it's
- Oh.
Hello again, Deputy Commissioner.
To what do I owe the pleasure?
Terry, where is your department vehicle?
- It's in the parking lot.
- That's not possible
because it was just found
crashed into a telephone pole
in a parking lot of a strip club
on Fairview Avenue.
Chief, um
Don't play dumb, Terry.
Were you drinking during
work hours at a strip club?
Come on, Murph, you
know me better than that.
Don't "Murph" me. I'm
the Deputy Commissioner.
Did you leave the scene of an accident?
- Chief, I
- Not now, Lucy.
No, sir!
Did you let someone borrow
your department vehicle?
Of course I didn't. Come on.
So you're saying someone stole it.
I don't know what happened to it.
Your story stinks, Terry.
All right, you know what, Murph?
We've known each other for a long time,
but with all due respect,
if you're not gonna
believe me, fuck you!
- No, no, no
- Oh really, you wanna play it that way?
Alright, guess what, Terry.
- You're fired.
- Hold on a second.
You're firing me?
Clean out your office!
Hold on, Murph.
That's it, Terry. Goodbye.
What the hell just happened?
He can't fire me
after all the years
I put in this department.
This job's my life.
Chief, you know I don't
know, maybe I could call him,
- or Andy could
- You can't help me, Ike.
I'm gonna go talk to Eddie.
Oh, my God.
This job was everything to him.
Maybe we can still fight
it. My cousin's a lawyer.
Yeah, a divorce lawyer.
She can still provide some insight!
You guys, w-what do I do?
How do I fix this?
You've done enough, probie.
Where are you going?
I'm going to the Deputy
Commissioner's office
to see if I can get Chief his job back.
Chief, no!
Chief, what are you
doing? Don't do it no!
- Chief, no!
- Ahh!
Oh, shit.
- Oh, no!
- Oh!
Oh, shit!
The probie finally gets the
Not so cocky now, are you, McConky?
You faked your own death?
I told you, old-time
firefighters prank hard.
How long was this in the works?
Well, let's just say, Eddie
and I circled Hell Week
on the calendar a long time ago.
- Hey, Luce.
- Then we recruited these guys.
They didn't need much convincing.
What about the Deputy Commissioner?
Oh, Murph? He loves a good prank.
He was only too happy to help us out.
You couldn't have known that I was gonna
steal the SUV though.
I knew if I got you mad enough,
you'd do something impulsive.
That's the Penisi in you.
So when you stole the
SUV, it was perfect.
There's a tracker in the SUV.
We tailed you, and then
when you went in the store,
Eddie swiped the truck.
Then we pulled old Jumbo
here out of storage,
the oversized CPR dummy,
and we dressed him up like the chief.
It was awesome!
We did have to fatten
him up quite a bit though
because, you know, for authenticity
Okay, easy now.
All right, you got
me good. I'll admit it.
But I'm actually
relieved 'cause I thought
I was really gonna have
to move out of the house.
That still stands.
- You're out at the end of the month.
- What?
But don't sweat it because as of now,
you are a real firefighter.
- Probation's over?
- Probation's over.
Okay, ew, eh, okay, she's wet.
- Okay.
- Okay, fine, fine.
- High five!
- All right!
All right, you know what?
I should dock your pay
for leaving the station
when you're on duty, but
because you're my daughter,
- I'll let it slide.
- Whoops.
Kind of sounds like
nipple-tism to me there, Chief.
- Nepotism.
- Agreed to disagree.
Fuck you, chair! Ahh!
- Oh!
- Whoa!
- Right on its feet!
- Whoa!
Hey, it's perfect.
Lookit, not a scratch!
Suck it, chair! This isn't over!
I will always love you.
You're strong, and you're tough.
You're sturdy, unbreakable.
Good luck on your own.
Lucy, call if you need anything.
Well, I could probably use
some help unpacking my car.
I agree, so I thought of
something else you can have.
Girls, your sister said
you can move in with her.
Okay, bye!
And that's how you do a quick goodbye.
Mhm, I'll miss them all.
The young ones will be back.
All right, let me enjoy
this for one second, please.
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