Tacoma FD (2019) s03e04 Episode Script

How I Met Your Mother

- Mm.
- Yeah.
- Yeah!
- Yeah, yeah.
Oh, yes, yes!
- He's got nothing.
- No chance!
- Yeah.
- He's got nowhere to put it.
- No, no, he's out.
- He's done, he's done.
- That's what I thought.
- Hold on, hold on.
Oh, oh.
- Okay.
- Come on, yeah.
- Come on, Terry.
- Yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah.
I think he's done.
No, no, no. He's done.
Yeah, I'll never let you
forget this, Terry McConky!
All right, crank up the Foreigner.
Hey, welcome to "Hook and Chatter."
The TFD sports podcast. Episode eight.
This podcast is brought
to you by Alohair,
the number two of two Hawaiian-themed
waxing salons in Tacoma.
From eyebrows to low
brows, our deals are so good
you'd be macadamia nuts not to come by.
Ha ha!
First topic, LeBron,
Kobe, Michael Jordan.
Who's the best of all time?
None of those guys!
It's Dirk Nowitzki, and
I'll tell you guys why.
- Wait, what?
- Nowitzki?
You're crazy, man. What
are you talking about?
I'm trying out a new persona.
The guy with the hot
takes, the contrarian?
- You sound crazy.
- How do podcasts make money?
- Computer, the
- Ads.
- How do you get ads?
- Having content that is
By getting subscribers.
How do you get subscribers?
From TV.
Contrarianism, hot takes.
You know, thinking
outrageously outside of the box.
Bickering creates a fun dynamic.
Yeah, slamming people's good too, right?
Especially if they don't deserve it.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Hey, we should all be hot take guys.
- That sounds great.
- Yeah!
- No, no, no.
- Ike.
I'm just kidding, guys.
I'm being contrarian.
I'm being a hot take guy.
That's what you do, right?
And we're back.
Nowitzki? Are you crazy?
He's only got one championship.
It doesn't matter.
I believe he's the best,
and here is why.
First of all, he's German.
How do you get better than Germans?
Are we really buying a boat together?
Yeah, you know it.
Look at this baby, huh?
Mm, I've always wanted a boat.
I came up with a great name for it.
The Hook, Line and Sphincter.
Why is it always dirty with you?
What are you talking
about? The name is hysterical.
Why don't we try something
like, uh, like Laurels
'cause that's what we're resting on.
Our laurels. The Laurel.
Come on, Terry, live a little.
Boat names are supposed
to be naughty puns, okay?
I got another one, The Glory Hull.
- Ugh.
- Huh? Hmm?
- Gross.
- You don't know.
How about The Terry Cruise?
You wanna name your boat after an actor?
- What actor?
- Terry Crews.
It's Tom Cruise, sweetie.
And it's a pun. Terry cruise.
- Never mind.
- Ugh, you're so dumb.
I think it should be a fun pun.
Do you get it? Yacht-Sea.
Yeah. Yeah, no, we
got it. S-E-A, right.
- Um, Vicky.
- Yes.
Eddie and I are buying the boat.
- Mm-hmm.
- So that means Eddie and I
are gonna name the boat.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Is it your name on the
bank account or our name?
Because if we're both
going to buy the boat,
we both can name it, okay?
All right, let's just
come up with a name
we can all agree on.
I got another one. Two
firefighters on the ocean.
Let's call the boat Hot Sem
Next up,
tonight's MMA heavyweight title fight
just so happens to be at
our very own Tacoma Dome!
Champion Stipe Miocic versus challenger
Bobby Ferapolis.
Stipe is considered the greatest
heavyweight of our time.
How do you like his chances?
I give him no chance.
I think he's gonna get
KO'd in round three.
I mean, he's clearly lost his step,
and his footwork is a mess.
I'm gonna go one step
further here, fellas.
I say he gets knocked out in round two.
Guys, Stipe is so predictable.
All he does is leg kick,
leg kick, leg kick, leg kick.
Maybe after he gets knocked out,
he can get a job with the Rockettes.
I'll do you one better and say
he gets knocked out in round one
'cause he's over the hill.
I bet I could beat him up too.
I heard he's a terrible father.
Eddie, I don't wanna have to
register as a sexual predator
because of the name of the boat.
All your name ideas blow.
Fishy Business? Come on, dude.
How about we call it Shrimp My Ride,
'cause you're such a shrimp?
I'd actually be okay with that
because it would be a
constant reminder of the time
I crushed you in that shrimp
cocktail eating contest.
What? You never beat me eating anything.
I did beat you, Terry,
right here in this very spot.
And I remember 'cause
it was the same day
you went on your first date with Vicky.
- Oh, right.
- I don't think I've ever heard
the full story about your first date.
Sure you have. Eddie
set us up as a prank.
No, I know that part,
but I've just heard
like bits and pieces.
Well, Eddie thought we didn't
have anything in common,
but as usual, Eddie was wrong.
He also forgot we almost went
on a few dates in high school.
Ehh, I'm not so sure about that, honey.
- No, I'm sure we did.
- Uh, no. Nope.
- That didn't really happen.
- I'm positive.
Oh, my God. Your memory sucks, dude.
I wanna hear the full story. Come on.
Okay. Okay.
I remember it like it was yesterday.
It was before Jimmy Bleeder
opened Bleeder's Steakhouse.
He had another
restaurant called Pounders
where you order food by the pound.
- Ugh.
- It was pretty good.
Well, that night I got there early,
and I was looking pretty sharp,
but I had some major butterflies.
So I ordered a pound of onion
rings to settle my stomach.
And that's when I saw Vicky,
and she looked incredible.
Of course, she looked incredible.
She's a Penisi.
It took her a while to see me.
But when she did, the sparks flew.
And I gotta tell you,
I made all the right moves.
I was suave.
I was charming.
I was sophisticated.
Everything was perfect,
including the cuisine.
We had a great time,
except for the butterflies.
They got the best of me.
She ended up taking care of me,
and that's when I knew she was the one.
We went on six dates in three weeks.
And the rest is history.
That doesn't sound like a prank at all.
Sounds like Uncle Eddie killed it.
Yeah, well, I'm glad you
believe in fairytales, Lucy,
but that's not how it went down.
Let me tell you what really happened.
That was the best podcast so far.
I bet you we double our
subscribers after this.
It is out in the world.
- That fast?
- Oh, baby.
- Oh.
- Hi. I'm Rosa Roberts.
I work with Stipe Miocic,
the UFC fighter.
Yeah, and I am the monster
from "Stranger Things," hi.
And I'm the Masked Singer.
Yeah, and I am the professor
Hall of famer Willie Mays.
- How can we help you?
- I handle PR for Stipe.
You may not know this, but
when he's not throwing down
in the ring, he's a firefighter.
And when he travels, he likes
to visit local fire stations.
He's outside in the car.
Okay, who put you up
to this? Was it Jiménez?
- Classic Jiménez.
- Yeah, I'm sure he's still
mad at us about those murder hornets.
- Hey-yo!
- Holy shit.
What's up Station 24?
- Granny.
- Stipe.
Kaponko Myawani. You can call me Andy.
- Stipe.
- Stipe.
Ha, that's cute. And you are Stipe too?
Yeah no. Well
Anyway, you guys Beautiful station.
Stipe, look, they have a podcast.
"Hook and Chatter." I love it.
We've got approximately 23 minutes
if you want Stipe to do a drop.
- Nah.
- That's not necessary.
Ugh. I love podcasts. I have my own.
It's called "Stipe or Not Stipe."
Kinda like Shakespeare.
So what do you guys talk about?
- Nothing.
- Sports.
Ah! Sports!
Dude, let's do it.
I'm an athlete. Perfect.
No, don't worry about it.
Yeah, you don't wanna waste your time.
Stipe has millions of followers.
It'll boost your podcast instantly.
Still, no thanks.
Do you not know how podcasts make money?
Is it from subscribers and subscribers
or is it because of contrarianism?
Seriously, I would love to do it.
Let's take some pics,
record the podcast, and get going.
- Awesome.
- Okay, cool.
- We gotta delete the podcast.
- I know.
Lucy, the Penisis are
legendary pranksters.
Vicky and I have been going
head to head since we were kids.
You remember that
time I made you believe
you were gonna be on
the "Wheel of Fortune?"
I was 12.
Oh, what an idiot.
But anyway, with this prank,
I came up with the
prank to end all pranks.
I was gonna set Vicky up with
the biggest buffoon I knew,
Terrence Leslie McConky.
And he was perfect.
I told him I wanted to
hook him up with my sister,
and he was so excited.
So excited he even touched
my hair, which is a no-no.
And that's when part two
of my plan came into play.
So the day of a date, I challenged Terry
to a shrimp cocktail-eating contest
knowing that a gut full
of shrimp would make him
even more unappealing
than he already was.
No, hold on. That did not happen.
Oh, yes, it did.
So Vicky got to the restaurant,
and she was looking around for the guy
she thought I was setting her up with.
And when she saw Terry, she
looked like she ate a bug.
Hold on.
How do you know how she looked?
- I was there.
- Bullshit.
I was.
And I was looking real good,
with the clothes, the mustache,
the drink, the hair, but
none of that mattered,
'cause once that shrimp
cocktail kicked in,
all hell broke loose.
I did not puke.
Yes, you did. Vicky, back me up.
- Yeah, you puked.
- Ba-boom!
All right, maybe I
got a little bit sick,
but Eddie was not there
and I did not lose a
shrimp-eating contest.
I don't understand.
Why would you do that to your friend?
We weren't friends.
What did you say?
We weren't friends.
And this is our briefing room.
Looks just like my briefing room.
This is where your
chief stands and says,
"Do I make myself clear?"
- That's it.
- I love it. Exactly.
That's exactly how
he does it every time.
Should we follow you, Granny?
No, I'm just going to the bathroom.
Perfect, it's a good
time for Stipe to go too.
Ooh, good idea.
Then we'll do the podcast and get going.
To the bathroom.
Hey, when we leave
You guys gotta delete this.
But I don't know how to do that.
I don't know how to do it either.
Yo, Granny, come on, nature calls.
Went to our first Mariners
game together in seventh grade.
It was a school field trip.
There were like 200 kids there.
You were the best man at my wedding.
Family obligation. Vicky kinda made me.
Oh, come on Uncle Eddie.
I've heard plenty of
stories of you guys,
and they all sound like
the premise of a buddy film.
- Name one.
- "Bad Boys,"
"Beverly Hills Cop," "Lethal Weapon."
You're not dumb, are you?
You're joking, right?
- He saved your life.
- And I lost a nut doing it.
Yes, and while I feel your pain there,
that still didn't make us friends.
Okay, fine. We're not
buying a boat together.
- Fine.
- Fine.
- Fine.
- Fine.
Hey, just got to clear
some space for memory.
Better, man. I could talk all day.
Yeah, Stipe uses up mad gigabytes.
- Friends call me "Mr. Gigs."
- Oh.
For all the mad gigabytes I use.
There it is.
What needed to be deleted is deleted.
- So you cleared up the memory?
- I did.
All the memories have been deleted.
- We are good.
- Yeah.
Wow, man, you guys are
serious about your drive space.
- Yeah.
- All right, let's do this!
All right, ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to another episode
of the "Hook and Chatter."
Brought to you by Alohair.
Tonight, we have a very
special guest for you.
You may know him as a
UFC heavyweight champion,
but we know him as a firefighter.
And I know you guys as my brothers.
- Thanks, man.
- Man.
Give it up for Stipe Miocic.
Hey now!
So Stipe, you are in Tacoma
for your big fight tonight.
- Are you ready for it?
- So ready.
I just wanna jump in here and say
I think you're a great dad.
I mean, some people might say otherwise,
I don't know why they would do that.
I would never personally
say something like that.
But just so we're clear on that.
You ready for the fight?
Hell, yeah, I am. Hey, listen,
I'm hanging with my new best friends.
- He's talking about us.
- Hey.
- You are unreal, man!
- Oh, gosh.
All right, guys, hey, I gonna get going,
but I wanna hear your
predictions for tonight.
Oh, well, you're definitely gonna win.
KO in the third round.
I'll go one step further
and say you'll put him to
sleep in round two, champ.
Excuse me. Hot take, round one.
- I love it. I love it.
- Thank you, Stipe.
Good luck tonight on the
fight, and thank you out there
for listening to another
episode of "Hook and Chatter."
Thanks so much.
- Ah, man, you were great.
- That was so fun.
Hey, brothers, I'd go into
a fire with you anytime.
- Come here, man.
- Buddy.
- Oh, man.
- Man! Ah!
Granny, Andy, Little Stipe,
parting is such sweet sorrow.
- All right.
- Yeah.
I love you guys.
Hey, go get him, champ!
For a guy who punches people
in the face for a living,
he's a really, really nice guy.
- Right? Nice.
- I know.
I feel so guilty for
everything we said about him.
- Right.
- Stipe taught me something today,
and now I'm a better person.
He has that effect on all of us.
Son of a bitch.
Come here.
- I love you guys.
- I love you guys.
I was really scared.
I was really nervous.
Okay, you're not Lucy's
godfather anymore.
- Oh, really?
- And you're not her uncle.
Hold on.
Well, Terry, you can't
really declare that.
- I can and I did.
- Okay. Knock it off.
But he said we're not friends.
He's just trying to push your buttons.
Now, both of you have a
seat, and I am going to tell
the story of what really happened.
We should take the rest of the shift off
and actually go to the fight.
And hang out with him afterwards.
Dude's been training for months.
He's probably ready to party.
Hey, we should offer to pay
the change fee for his flight
and take him out to the engine house
for like beer wings and
shuffleboard and stuff.
- A whole night on the town.
- Yeah, he'd probably love it.
- It's Stipe.
- No way.
- Ha-ha, dude!
- Hey man,
you're on speakerphone.
How are you doing?
What's up, man?
We're all here, my brother.
I just wanna let you
know that Rosa downloaded
your last podcast for me
while we were taking pictures.
My left is slow?
- What?
- My footwork sucks?
I should join the Rockettes?
- No, no, no, no.
- I'm a terrible father?
- That was a hot take.
- I've got a hot take.
You're fucking dead!
I'm coming back to kick your asses!
Put it away. Put it away.
I told you a podcast was a bad idea.
Just wait, I can't think straight.
Is that a hot take?
I should have seen it coming.
Eddie said he set me up
with the hottest
probie at 24, Dak Blunt.
Did I say hottest? I meant sweatiest.
You thought Dak Blunt was hot?
But I did marry him. Settle down.
I wasn't a fan of Pounders, but I went,
and when I walked in,
the first thing I saw
was Eddie's friend.
- He wasn't my friend.
- Okay, yeah, we get it.
Anyway, the guy was finishing
off a pound of onion rings,
and ehh, I didn't wanna make it weird,
so I avoided eye contact
while I looked for my date.
But then I saw Eddie.
He was behind a plant.
And you had that stupid mullet.
If by mullet you mean
my sweet ass pompadour,
then yeah, it was a mullet.
And I realized I'd been duped.
- Cap! Cap! Cap! Cap!
- So sorry to interrupt
Can we have the rest of the day off?
- Just the rest of the day off?
- Hey, you know better.
You're in the middle of a
shift, go roll some hoses.
Ah! This way, this way.
I knew that Eddie
thought he had pulled off
this epic prank.
So decided to enjoy myself.
And then your father puked.
You didn't enjoy our first date?
No, Terry, you puked up
like a hundred shrimp and
a pound of onion rings.
How could you even eat onion rings
after you ate all that shrimp?
What do you eat to settle your stomach?
I don't.
How do you not remember
the shrimp-eating contest?
Oh, you know what? I
do you remember it now.
I won.
I also realized
that the only way to get back at Eddie
was to go on a second
date, and a third, fourth,
fifth, sixth, whatever
it took to ruin the prank.
Hold on. How far did this go?
Was I born as a result of you
trying to ruin Eddie's prank?
No, I ended up enjoying
myself on the second date.
And after the third date, it
wasn't about Eddie anymore.
I was looking forward to
spending time with your father.
I thought he was sweet and funny.
So would you say it was
a love-after-the-third-date
kind of thing?
I thought it was love
after the sixth date.
Wait, was that the first night we
Oh, God.
- Stop it.
- Yes. Yes, it was.
That was the night I found out
what a phenomenal and
generous lover Terry was.
- Oh, Mom, so gross.
- Disgusting.
Guess what.
He still is.
- Oh. Oh, God.
- Ugh.
Do you think the three of
us could take him together?
There's only one way to find out,
but I don't wanna find out.
Should one of us look
to see if he's here?
- No way.
- "Rock Paper Scissors."
Okay, okay, okay.
One, two, three, shoot.
Hey boys.
Oh, God! Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Dude, it's all just one
big misunderstanding, okay?
You broke my heart!
We didn't mean any of it.
We were just being contrarian.
It's time for night-night!
Seems like the joke is
really on you, Uncle Eddie.
You set them up and
all these years later,
they're still in love.
Yeah, you're welcome. You
wouldn't exist without me.
I think it's safe to say
Eddie's prank backfired on him.
Still better than
anything you ever pulled.
- Is that what you think?
- Yeah.
Luce, Let me tell you about another one.
A few years later, I had
a Swedish hairstylist.
She was great at hair, but
she was a horrible person.
She was here on a work visa,
and she wanted to trap a man
and marry him, so she
could get a green card.
- You didn't.
- I did.
I knew you couldn't pass
up on a tall, blonde,
beautiful Swedish woman.
So I set you up. And then what happened?
- I married her.
- You married her.
Aunt Ulsa?
She's the reason I love lutefisk.
Me too.
And after she got the green card,
what happened?
She divorced me and took half my money.
She was a great hairdresser.
And that was a great prank.
Oh, my God.
Holy shit.
Oh, oh, oh, and while
you two were bickering
over whether or not you were
friends, I bought the boat.
With my money.
You're welcome to join
me on the Yeah Buoy
anytime you want.
Oh, no, you didn't.
- It's a good name.
- Not the hair.
Love you, Mom.
- Bye, babe.
- Wow.
But still, the burning question remains.
Who can really eat the most shrimp?
Oh, you don't look so good, Terry.
- I feel great.
- You gonna quit?
- 'Cause I'm not.
- I like my shrimp extra veiny.
So do I.
That's where the taste
comes from, bitch.
Stipe Miocic is pounding Bobby Ferapolis
with his left hook.
You can tell he got
some extra practice
Are you guys ever gonna
tell me what happened?
I told you, Luce, he beat us up.
You're sticking with the story
that the UFC heavyweight
champion came here
and kicked your ass?
- Yeah.
- If you say so.
He's got a fire in his eyes.
Man, he's got shitty footwork.
- Don't say that.
- Mm.
They keep getting better.
You okay? Do you wanna stop?
- Oh, God.
- Oh, yes!
I will never let you
forget this, Terry McConky.
Never! Ha-ha!
- Go.
- I'm going.
- It's your turn.
- I know whose turn it is.
I'm concentrating.
Does your fly help you concentrate?
Yeah, it does. Getting
air to the other brain.
That reminds me of when I
beat you in the shrimp cocktail
eating contest twice.
You never beat me eating anything.
Damnit, Terry! Yes, I did.
Would you like me to cut your
shrimp into smaller pieces
so it'll be easier to chew?
- No!
- Ah-ah.
Oh, watch the hair!
I need a nap.
You give up?
- I give up.
- Again.
I'm gonna go watch "Judge Jenny Jr."
Oh, I'm coming with. I'm coming with.
Whoa. Hey, hey.
Hey, hey, hey!
Oh, my sciatica!
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