Tacoma FD (2019) s03e05 Episode Script

Carpet Diem

Come on. Come on. Bring it back.
Cut the wheel. There you go.
Good job. A little more.
A little more. Right there. Right there.
[LAUGHING] Hey! Yes.
Way to go, honey. I love it.
- Yes.
- Come here.
I'm so proud of you. Come here.
[SMOOCHING] I want a kiss from you.
- Come on, baby.
- Jeez, stop.
- Oh, I love you.
- Let go of me.
- You're my baby.
- Hey, get off me.
Oh, you have got to be kidding me.
In what world do you think it's okay
to speak to a female employee that way?
No, sir, you don't understand.
And you certainly don't touch
them inappropriately like that.
Oh, uh
The city is gonna hear about this.
Hold on a second.
I got your back, female firefighter.
Can we still go get ice cream?
Yeah, okay. Who's driving?
Well, I'm hot-blooded ♪
Check it and see ♪
I got a fever of 103 ♪
Hey. Still studying, Luce?
- I got the test today.
- Second time's the charm, huh?
- Yeah.
Well, I'm still gonna be
the first female at Station 24
with a 2Q license.
And then you better watch out, Ike,
because I'm gonna be
driving that engine.
Whoo, scary.
Just remember, the mirrors in there,
they're not for checking your makeup.
[LAUGHS] Yeah. And no
selfies while driving.
Y'all ever hear about the female driver
that ran out of gas?
She thought the car ran on emotions.
Yeah, keep laughing,
Granny, because next,
I'm gonna get my paramedic license,
and then you'll be out of work.
- ALL: Ooh.
- What? Can she do that?
Lucy, I'm rooting for you.
I love a woman who drives a truck.
Actually, it's on my list
of Penisi's top qualities.
What are some of the other ones, Cap?
A woman who doesn't "mess with my hair"?
Actually, there are several things
I find irresistible in a woman.
For example,
I like female commuters
who wear business suits and sneakers.
I'm a sucker for girls who
like Patrick Swayze movies.
I like that too.
I love tall women. 6 feet and up.
I actually worked with
an exotic dancer once
who was over 7 feet tall.
You know what her name was?
- Andrea the Giant.
- Whoa.
Her G-string was like a parasail.
Where is she now?
She fell off a cliff.
The city takes sexual
harassment complaints
very seriously.
you cannot sexually
harass your own daughter.
We both know the TFD has
a lot of ground to make up
when it comes to gender equality.
Oh, really?
Did you know we're about to get
our first female engine driver?
Cool. Welcome to the 19th century.
This shift hasn't had
sexual bias training
in over four years,
and now you have a female firefighter.
So I've arranged for a counselor
to run a session today.
Today? What if we're busy?
Make some time sweetie.
- Oh!
Might wanna get that fixed!
I can call my daughter "sweetie."
And you know who else I think is hot?
Marge Simpson,
but that's really about the blue hair
because I love blue hair.
I love a woman who eats with her hands,
and I love a woman
who likes black coffee.
- Hey, everybody.
I just met with Linda Price.
- What? Is she still here?
- She's gone.
What does she check on your list?
Municipal authority figure.
Oh, that's so specific.
She has ordered us to undergo
a sexual bias training session today.
I told you not to kiss me.
I can kiss you whatever I want!
You're my daughter.
The instructor will be here shortly.
Ugh, is this gonna
be more role-playing?
Are they gonna check our social media?
Guys, stop.
As the most woke person here,
I can tell you that sexual bias training
is something we can all learn from,
especially a chief who
hugs his female employees.
Watch it. Next time, I'll hug you.
Yeah, and I'll hug you
back because I'm that woke.
- Why are you growling?
Oh, Jesus! Come on.
- Ah, sheep shit!
- You okay, Chief?
Ah, I just spilt my coffee over the rug.
Oh, man. Yeah, right there?
No, actually, that's when
Eddie tried to surprise me
on my birthday in his
birthday suit oof.
- Oh, there it is.
- Nope.
That is when Eddie tried to show me
how bouncy his new Super Ball was.
It's actually this one over here.
- Oh, man.
- It's a freshy.
Why don't you just get a
new carpet in here, Chief?
Ah, I don't know; it's
such a headache, you know?
Those carpet guys are
always trying to rip you off.
You do know that Andy's
side job is selling carpet
for his uncle's carpet company, right?
I'm sure he'd give you
a great deal, Chief.
I never really think of Andy
outside of this building.
Maybe I should just flip it over.
- Andy!
- Hey!
- What's up?
- Ah.
Chief needs a new carpet, right?
That's you, baby.
Eh, I don't like to mix
business with business.
Neither do I. Actually,
I'm a very tough customer
and a very savvy customer.
I just figured if you're gonna
give me a sweet deal, well
Of course I would.
The problem is, I give my friends
too sweet of a deal,
and then my uncle gets mad.
Well, we're not really friends, right?
I mean, huh? Not friends? Wink, wink.
Uh-huh. You know what I mean?
- No, no, we're not.
- Yeah. All right.
Yeah. Okay, let's do
it. I'll hook you up.
Ah, you'll hook me up. I love that.
- Let's do it.
- It all worked out.
- That's awesome.
- Yeah.
Let's stop standing around
and let's get back to work.
I'd love to talk some more,
but I don't wanna anymore.
Hey, Luce, if you need
any help learning how
to read a map, you
can ask any one of us.
- Oh, wow. Thanks.
Coming from the guy who
thought that AM radio
only played in the morning.
You're thinking of someone else.
I know it means "after midnight."
Hi, everyone. I'm Courtney Brixton.
I'm your sexual bias
training instructor.
How is it going?
- Hi.
- Hi. How are you?
- Nice to meet you.
- Hi.
Oh, do you need some
help with that, Captain?
- I got it. It's a little high.
I hope you're still here when
I need to wipe up a spill.
- Oh, God, I needed a laugh.
Oh, I hope it's okay that
I parked my truck out back.
- I just could not find a spot.
- I mean, just the bed is so wide.
Ready to get started, Captain?
Um, yeah.
- [DING] Yeah.
Let me, uh, get you set
up in the meeting room.
- Right this way.
- Okay.
I'll just follow you.
- See you in there.
- Okay! See you in a bit.
Tall, sneakers, truck, and hair.
She hit him with the knockout combo.
Yeah. I hope he can appreciate that
that's the sexual harassment teacher.
- Oh, man.
Wait, wait, wait, he wouldn't
make a move, would he?
On his dream girl? [SARCASTICALLY] No.
- We should keep an eye on him.
- No, yeah. For sure.
- Of course.
- Absolutely. Absolutely.
I'm sure you guys think
this is just gonna be
another boring corporate presentation,
and I assure you, it is
gonna be exactly that.
But I will try to make it short.
Hmm. I prefer shag carpet.
Whew. All right.
I would normally be reading
about two hours of stuff to you guys,
but what if we just talk some shit
and get out of here
as quickly as possible?
- Cool.
- Does that sound good?
- Take your time.
- Yes, ma'am.
I know you think you're being played,
but don't call me "ma'am."
Calling me "ma'am,"
that's like putting an
elevator in an outhouse.
It don't belong.
Did you just quote "Road House"?
I did. [LAUGHS] Thank you for noticing.
I have this tic where I just, like,
quote Patrick Swayze movies.
I'm crazy for Swayze, I know.
- No way-ze.
Okay. So has anyone ever heard of a
term called unconscious bias?
Oh, I'm not sure. Why
don't you run it "bi -us"?
- Woof.
- Okay. Let's dive in.
She is perfect.
Absolutely perfect. [EXHALES]
Blue hair with streaks
of purple ooh. Tall
Yeah, congrats on kind of
keeping yourself under control.
I'm not an idiot.
She's the sexual bias instructor.
Hey, sorry to interrupt.
It's just, is there a
lady's bathroom anywhere?
Mm, not really,
but the closest thing's
down the hall, to the right.
Cool. Thanks.
- Oh, hey, Courtney.
- Yes?
We're about to have
lunch. Are you hungry?
Oh, I couldn't. Thank you, though.
Hold on, hold on. I'm
cooking something special.
And I was thinking maybe
you could help us find
some more of our blind
spots, because we got some.
I don't have a ton of
time, but it's a deal.
You better be a good cook.
The best.
Boy, is you stuck on stupid?
We just got done with that seminar.
With all your woman driver jokes,
I'm thinking maybe you
need to learn some more.
Uh-uh, stop. We see what you're doing.
I'm not doing anything.
Although, it has occurred to me
that it's not harassment
if I get her to ask me out.
- Son of a bitch.
You think you're gonna get
the sexual harassment instructor
to ask you out after
the sexual harassment class?
I'm already doing well with stage one:
non-flirting flirting.
Non-flirting flirting?
It's master-level stuff.
Yeah; that's where I hit on her
without actually hitting on her.
It's so imperceptible.
She doesn't even realize
it's already working.
- Like carbon monoxide.
- Exactly.
- I gotta go cook lunch.
- Okay.
It ain't gonna work!
That ain't gonna work.
She's a trained professional.
I don't know, man.
I think Cap could pull it off.
Put your money where your mouth is.
Wait, you guys, don't you think
we should be putting a
stop to these Cap moves?
50 bucks says Cap gets
her to ask him out.
- Deal.
- Boom.
Have you guys learned nothing?
- What you mean?
- About what?
All right.
Johnny, get some measurements in here.
Carl, let's see what the
subfloor looks like, huh?
- Let's move.
- Wow.
There's a different Andy, huh?
Chief, did you look at the book?
- The sample book?
- Yeah, I got it right here.
I was thinking about a medium pile.
No, you don't want a medium pile.
You want a low pile. This
is a high-traffic area.
What about color?
I thought Raspberry
Tart looked pretty tasty.
Too dark.
You want something in the beige family,
like Tuscan Marvel or
the Sedona Tidewater.
Oh, okay. Tuscan. Marvel looks nice.
Tuscan Marvel it is. Good choice.
- Very similar to what I have.
- Tuscan Marvel.
Good choice.
Okay, Tuscan Marvel.
Johnny! What's taking so long, man?
It's just a simple
measurement. It's 17, 3.
Hah. 17, 3.
- You just saw that?
- I can eyeball that.
- I bet you're way off.
- Johnny, bring it over.
Whoa, right on the
money. How'd you do that?
- It's what I do.
- Huh! Wow.
Okay, well, I was thinking
about this brand right here.
No, I wouldn't even
wipe my feet with that.
I'd go with this brand.
It's a dollar more per
yard, but it's well worth it.
Okay, stop, stop, stop.
I know what you're trying to do, Andy.
I don't need the more expensive one.
Ah, look at that beauty of a family.
You and your four daughters.
Well, that's my wife.
Of course you know that.
Man, how old are they
now? Like, what, 20 -ish?
The younger ones are teenagers.
- Teenagers, yeah.
- And Lucy is, you know, Lucy.
- Sure. Lucy is Lucy.
- Yeah.
You probably only get the
best for your daughters.
I do, yeah. Mm-hmm.
You should get the best for yourself.
I mean you are the chief, right?
This brand is so high quality,
you'll actually be saving money.
- Saving money?
- Yeah.
- Okay, well
- Okay! Let's do that.
And let's get some of
this stuff out of here.
Come on, chop, chop. Let's go.
Lunch is served.
- Wow.
- Cioppino Penisi.
Il pesce piu fresco
per tutto Tacoma.
- You speak Italian?
- Eh.
Un pochino. Mangiate, per favore.
God, you guys get crab legs for lunch?
I love crab legs.
Do you mind if I eat
with my hands, or
- Yeah, of course.
- Oh, okay!
Because they're way better when you're
just eating with your hands.
Look how soft.
Mmm! Oh, my God.
Grazie, Courtney. Mangiamo.
Yeah, there's cracks all along here.
- Do you see those?
- Look at those cracks over there.
So many cracks. Cracks
here, cracks there.
- I mean, they're
- Wow. Okay.
- The whole floor.
- I mean,
and then there's a bunch
of cracks over here, Chief.
- Cracks everywhere.
- Yeah.
This would usually
cost you so much more,
but I'm gonna absorb
the patchwork on my end.
Okay, Chief?
- Yeah, okay.
- Just for you.
Carl! Let me see that.
Where did you get this blade, huh?
The bottom of a cereal box?
Go. Get a new blade!
You're embarrassing
me. Blades are cheap!
Johnny. Thank you so much.
Johnny, nice "cappuccins."
- You want one of these, Chief?
- Nope. I'm good.
That's how we got here
in the first place.
Man, nice one.
So funny, Chief. You are so funny.
So we have you done for the
super-blend poly adhesive.
I also have you down for
that stain guard coating.
- Oh, I don't need that.
- Chief, it's only $50 more.
Plus I'm absorbing all of the patchwork
and you're not getting padding in here.
I wouldn't skimp on the stain guard.
Stop with the upselling, Andy.
You think I don't get it?
I'm a savvy customer.
I'm not gonna pay the extra costs.
Wow! You did it. You got me.
- Yeah.
- Boy, you are good.
I've never seen Salesman Andy before.
It's kinda weird.
Well, they have a saying
in the carpet business,
"You show weakness, you get walked on."
Okay. All right. Well, you know what?
I can see it a mile away.
So don't waste your time.
I'm not gonna waste
any more of your time.
You just need to pick a scent
for the carpet deodorizer.
Okay, I don't need
any carpet deodorizer.
What about the smell in here, Chief?
- What smell?
- Ah, no offense, Chief,
but it smells like breath
and hot dog water in here.
- Hot-dog water?
- No. Hot dog water.
Everybody's talking about it. Trust me.
This is the way to stop
the whispering around here.
I think it smells fine in here.
It smells like me.
Hey Captain, do you
want some help with that?
No, no. I love doing dishes.
It's something I'm good at.
You're also good at making lunch.
Well, feeding people makes me happy.
Courtney, can I get you a
cup of coffee or something?
Yeah, just black, though.
Are you okay?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everything's fine.
Just listening to the tune. Vibing out.
Man, I feel this one in my bones.
Yeah, you can't help
but move to this one.
- Oh, there he goes.
- He's a pretty good dancer.
- Oh, yeah?
- Hey! Yeah!
- Oh!
- Come on. Who's feeling it?
All right. Come on up here.
You don't need a reason
to get on the dance floor.
- Come on, Ike, you're a dancer.
- Yeah, yeah.
- I mean
- It'd be weird if I
- No, it looks fun.
- Oh, there we go.
- Whoa.
- Come on. Yeah.
- Oh, yeah. There we go.
- I love dancing, but I can't.
- We're working.
- Yeah?
Courtney, you know, I
used to be a break-dancer.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Break-dancing was my thing.
- Really?
- Check it out.
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh.
Watch out. Oh, it's going down there.
- Oh.
- It's coming back up.
- Whoo.
- Whoa, baby.
- Oh, hey what's that?
- Oh, that?
Who put this piece of cardboard here?
Yeah, I must have left
it there by accident.
That's so weird.
This beat is my recital,
I think it's very vital ♪
- To rock ♪
- A rhyme ♪
- That's right ♪
- On time ♪
"It's Tricky" is the title ♪
Here we go! It's tricky ♪
To rock a rhyme, to rock a rhyme ♪
That's right on time, it's tricky ♪
- It's tricky ♪
- Whoa!
It's tricky to rock a
rhyme, to rock a rhyme ♪
That's right on time, it's tricky ♪
- T-t-t-tricky ♪
- Tricky ♪
I met this little girly ♪
Her hair was kind of curly ♪
Went to her house and bust her out ♪
I had to love real early ♪
These girls are really sleazy ♪
Or spend some time and rock a rhyme ♪
I said, "It's not that easy" ♪
It's tricky to rock a rhyme ♪
They don't call it the
break room for nothing.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. [LAUGHING]
Holy shit.
Oh, my instructor is here.
Time for my test. Wish me, luck guys.
- Good luck, Luce.
- Good luck!
- Whoo!
- That was awesome.
Who wants to dance? Come on, Granny.
- Come on, guys.
- Come on.
Yeah. All right! Yeah!
It's tricky to rock a rhyme ♪
To rock a rhyme that's right on time ♪
It's tricky! ♪
- Huh! ♪
- Wow, it looks like a new office.
Hah! That's what I said. Oh my, gosh.
Chief, we're on the same page.
- Tuscan Marvel, right?
- Good choice.
Well, Chief, it has been a pleasure
so I'm just gonna go ahead
and leave that with you.
- Okay. Thank you so much.
- Great.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. What is this?
- A joke?
- I'm sorry?
You said you were gonna hook me up.
- Oh, I did.
- This is not a "hook me up."
- This is a "hook me down."
- I don't know what that means.
You are gouging me with these add-ons.
Oh, come on, Chief, you
can just spread it around
the station budget, right?
- Spread what around?
- The money.
What do think I am? A mob boss?
Chief, it feels like a nice office.
This is where a chief should hang out.
Smooth floors. "Oh! I'm the Chief."
- Think about that.
- I'm not paying for this.
We'll see.
[DRAMATICALLY] If you want the ultimate,
you've got to be willing
to pay the ultimate price.
[DRAMATICALLY] It's not tragic
to die doing what you love.
Fucking "Point Break."
- "Point Break"! You get it.
- "Point Break." Swayze.
[LAUGHING] It is the best movie.
Of all time.
[EXHALES] Well, it is a workday.
I should probably head out.
But thank you guys so much.
It was good to see you.
Are you sure you can't stay longer?
Maybe another cup of coffee, black? Hmm?
No, thanks.
I'm gonna grab my stuff and
I'll just see myself out.
Oh, man.
That did not go the way
I thought it was gonna go.
I was so subtle and so smooth.
No, you weren't.
Dude, you made crab legs
cioppino for a Tuesday lunch.
- I've done that before.
- No, you haven't.
Cupid's arrow strikes
six, maybe seven times in a man's life.
- This was my ninth.
That means something.
The woman of my dreams
just walked out that door
and I may never see her again.
Mm, tragic.
I order you to lower this bill.
You're not my carpet boss.
What the hell happened to you?
This is not the Andy I know.
[SIGHS] You're right.
You know, this is why I don't
do business with my friends.
This is not me.
It's just a character that I play,
and I hate it.
I love being a firefighter
because I can be Andy Myawani,
not Special K,
the asshole who gets everything done.
I don't want to be that guy.
In the carpet business
the only way to survive.
Don't beat yourself up, man.
I know you gotta pay the bills.
When I was your age,
I had all kinds of side jobs.
We called them paper routes. [CHUCKLES]
I was a housepainter.
I sold wooden Bibles door-to-door.
I drove the Zamboni at
the Tacoma Ice Pavilion.
Oh, cool!
Listen, Linda Price
hated that old carpet.
I bet we could get the
city to pick this up.
- Really?
- Yeah. Why not?
- I mean, it is a nice carpet.
- Tuscan Marvel.
- Yeah, you picked that!
It'll last you a long time, Chief.
Especially if you got
the fade resistance.
What was that?
If you got the fade resistance
You know, to hold the color forever.
- Is that an add-on?
- No, it's not an add-on.
It's just 25 bucks.
A yard. [SIGHS] Man, thank you.
I'm not paying for this carpet.
Cap, if Courtney leaving
bothers you so much,
do something about it.
I don't know about that.
Might be best not to poke the bear.
- Did you guys make a bet?
- Yes.
- No.
- Yes, we did.
Not cool. Not cool.
Hey, Eddie, could you
meet me out by my truck?
I just have a quick question. Bye, guys.
"All you gotta do is jump."
Fucking "Point Break."
BOTH: "Point Break."
- Son of a bitch.
- Get her, Cap.
- What's up?
- Hey.
I just wanted to talk to
you in private real quick.
I'm sure you know what I'm gonna say.
I do. You don't have to say anything.
- Okay.
- I feel the exact same way.
I'm into you too,
and I would love to
take you out to dinner
because today,
I had
"the time of my life."
That's a good [EXHALES]
Here. I'll just give you that.
- Uh, what's this?
It's the information for your
sexual bias training boot camp.
- What?
- Since I got here today,
you've objectified me.
You haven't really learned anything.
You've been trying to pick
me up pretty much all day
with your non-flirting flirting.
The cooking, the dancing,
and now you're gonna
ask out your sexual bias instructor?
I mean, it's a little crazy.
I feel like I did an excellent job
of not hitting on you.
And for the next four weekends,
you'll learn why that's wrong.
So I'll see you at the boot camp.
- Wait. Courtney
- Bye.
Uncle, Eddie, I did it. I did it.
- I passed the engineer test.
- Cool.
This means I can drive the engine now,
why are you not more excited?
No, I am excited, Lucy.
- Congrats.
- Hey, guys! I passed.
[FLATLY] Yeah, never
doubted you for a second.
[FLATLY] That's great.
Cap, where's Courtney?
What happened?
She just left, but before she did,
she read me the Riot Act
for my behavior today.
And then she ordered me
to attend her sexual
harassment boot camp.
- Okay.
- Thank you.
Why are you smiling?
Now you have to go to boot camp.
Because this means I got another shot.
- Eddie! ♪
Yes, you do, Cap. Yes, you do.
But seriously, can we
please celebrate the fact
that I passed the driver's test?
- Yes! That's amazing!
- Yes!
- Come on.
- Oh, whoa, whoa.
- Hey, what are you doing?
- What?
Remember the seminar and stuff?
- Just one of these.
- Oh.
- Thank you.
- No, no.
That was a good job that you did.
Thanks, guys.
Got any of that cioppino
left? Get outta here.
Wait a minute, you're
giving me a bad Yelp review?
"The salesman, Andy Myawani,
"pulled the old bait and switch.
"Beware these tactics,
"and definitely beware the phrase,
'I'll hook you up.'"
I thought we were gonna
handle this like gentlemen.
That was before I submitted
the bill to City Hall.
Linda Price isn't gonna
pay for it and neither am I.
I'm disappointed in you, Andy.
I'll tell you what, Chief.
We're basically at cost now.
So the best I can do is
knock off my commission.
Now we're talking.
You're cool with me
forfeiting my commission?
I wasn't born yesterday.
You're not forfeiting anything.
Damn, you're good.
Real good.
Let me see this. Jeez.
You're the toughest
customer I've ever had.
I'll tell you that right now.
I think I told you
that before we started.
All right, Chief, there you go.
There's your new price.
You should love that number, then.
pleasure doing business with you.
Are you sure you don't want
that stain guard coating?
You know, with a carpet this light,
it might be a smart idea, Chief.
Stop, stop, stop. Okay?
Go sell some other chump
the stain guard coating.
All right? Dismissed.
Got it.
Hey, thanks, Johnny.
Ooh, so good, Johnny.
Are you sure you don't want a coffee?
How much per yard for that?
Well, me and the guys have to head out.
Vicky found out we
were redoing your office
and she hired me to
recarpet your whole house.
- She what?
- Yep.
Damn it!
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