Tacoma FD (2019) s04e02 Episode Script

The Probie Imbroglio

Mickleberry, get in my office!
Mickleberry, shine my shoes!
Mickleberry, you're on shitlist!
Mickleberry, there's ants
in the refrigerator,
and it's your fault!
Mickleberry, make me
a mickleberry smoothie!
Mickleberry, add some
strawberries to that,
And I'll have one of those as well!
Mickleberry, whose shirt is that?
Oh, man, Mickleberry is a fun name
- to bark orders at.
- It's a great name.
I think we found our new probie.
We can't pick a new firefighter
- based on the name.
- Ah.
Although, have you seen
this Reggie Bon Jovi? Huh?
- This guy's top of his class.
- Whatever. That guy sucks.
He's perfect. Have you seen his hair?
First of all, that dude wishes
He was related to Jon Bon Jovi.
Also, Terry, you really never want to go
with the guy from the top of the class.
- Too cocky.
- Have you seen his scores?
Yeah. But the best candidate on paper
is not necessarily the
best fit for the station.
First, the guy's gotta pass
the Eddie Penisi vibe test.
No, first he has to be good.
This guy might save your life someday.
Terry, let me pick the probie.
I promise you I will bring
back somebody "noyce."
I'm the chief. I pick the probie.
Yeah, but it's my shift.
If you want me to make dinner,
I should be the one
to pick the groceries.
I don't want you to make dinner.
- This is too important.
- I am excellent
at sussing out great firefighters.
You know why? Because I trust my gut.
Oh, yeah? Is that the same gut you used
to pick your four ex-wives?
Mm, no. I chose them with
a different body part.
- Yeah.
- My heart.
But my eye for firefighters is perfect.
Okay. You can pick the probie.
Hey! There we go.
That's what I'm talkin' about.
My gut tells me that
is the best decision
you're gonna make this year.
Don't pick the guy based on his name.
Guy, I'm not stupid.
- And no redheads.
- Obviously.
Terry, I am gonna pick
the best firefighter
this station has ever had.
I guarantee it,
Because I'm Eddie Penisi.
That's what I'm afraid of.
Well, I'm hot-blooded ♪
Check it and see ♪
I got a fever of 103 ♪
I'm hot-blooded ♪
Check it. Another murder hornet video.
Uh, let's be fair.
Alleged murder hornets.
- Ooh.
- Let me see.
- Oh, sh
- Oh, what?
- Aah.
- Nope.
That is a first-degree murder hornet.
Ew, look at it rip the flesh
off that cute little mouse.
What kind of sicko watches this stuff?
Oh, look! It's another
murder hornet video.
"Murder hornet versus tabby cat"?
I gotta subscribe to this.
All right. Big day today, dirty dogs.
Your Captain has selected a probie
who is the future of firefighting.
- You're gonna love him.
- Newsflash, Cap.
I'm not gonna love him
'cause he's not Andy.
I'm probably gonna hate him.
I am going to haze him.
I'm gonna be so good
at torturing this guy,
you guys are gonna be like, "whoa,
she likes this a little too much."
Hazing is child's play.
This time around, I'm
not gonna do anything.
You know what? On second thought,
I'm gonna kill him. Yeah.
I'm just gonna kill
him when he gets here.
Just like that murder hornet
is murdering that chimpanzee.
Oh, my God!
- Yeah.
- Oh, Cap, this is crazy.
He's burrowing into his brain.
Throw your best at
the kid. He's a champ.
Prepare to be impressed.
This is me preparing.
And then prepare to be depressed,
because in five years,
he's gonna outrank all y'all.
Ah, horseshit.
Oh, now he's really a dick.
He wants to outrank us now?
He's not even here yet?
- You picked Mickleberry?
- I did.
- Mickleberry?
- Mickleberry's his name?
That's a stupid-ass name.
Sounds like he's gonna
be a shit firefighter.
- Sorry, chief.
- I give you this responsibility
and you pick the guy
with the silliest name?
Yeah, his name is hilarious.
But that's not why I picked him.
I picked him because
I knew he was the one.
- Like Keanu Reeves In "The Matrix"?
- Exactly.
He'll be dodging bullets
and bending spoons
- in no time.
- Okay.
When's the golden boy due to arrive?
Yeah. Exactly, chief. Where is he?
- Time's a ticking.
- Yeah.
Tick, tick, motherfucker.
Actually, sir, I'm right here.
Mickleberry. How long
you been over there?
Couple hours. I thought
we made eye contact,
but I guess you were
looking right through me.
- I don't think that was me.
- I'm pretty sure it was.
- Nah, that was somebody else.
- Yeah. No, I could tell
by the way your mustache
is shaped that it was you.
- Hey, this is chief McConky.
- Welcome.
It's an honor to be here, sir.
I've wanted to be a firefighter
since I was nine years old
And saw firefighters rescue a drunk guy
stuck in the tube maze
at Chuck E. Cheese.
That day, I realized
firefighters were heroes.
I knew then I wanted to be a hero too.
Great. In my office in five minutes.
Oh, okay. Mickleberry, come here.
- Come meet the crew.
- Hi, guys.
- I brought croissants.
- How thoughtful.
None of you guys brought
gifts on your first day.
That's sweet of you. Hi.
Lucy McConky. Nice to meet you.
Oh. Married to the chief, huh?
What? No. That's my father.
You said father. You
obviously meant brother.
How old do you think I am?
Um, somewhere between 16 and 42?
- Damn.
- Oh, boy.
42? Are you kidding?
No, no. You're a total milf.
Do you know how offensive that is?
I'm an ilf. No "m." just ilf.
- Okay, okay. I'm sorry.
- Granny Smith.
- Like the apple?
- Yeah.
- My family invented them.
- For real?
Aren't they, like, 200
years old or something?
Yeah, my family has a long, sordid past
with apples and this country.
Okay, well, those are
my mom's favorites.
Great. I'll send you over a bushel.
Cool. Thanks.
- By the way, my first name is
- Nuh-uh.
We don't want to know.
We're just gonna call you Andy, okay?
- But
- From now on,
your name is Andy, and we're gonna
keep calling you Andy, okay?
Andy Mockinrogberry.
Um, okay. Andy it is.
Okay. Let's go talk to the chief.
- Oh.
- Oh, hey.
Don't look him in the
eyes. He doesn't like that
till he says it's okay.
Okay. Got it.
Thanks, Mrs. McConky.
- Mm.
- Mrs. Mcconky.
Wow. Okay.
Mmm. Mmm.
Mmm. Flaky.
That's a good croissant.
You just made a great first impression.
I also brought this.
It's a thank you card.
My way of saying thank you.
What a nice gesture, huh?
Well, technically,
the Captain picked you.
So this card really should go to him.
You can open it for both of us.
Aw, come on. It's a glitter card.
- I hate glitter.
- No, no.
He's just messing with you, probie.
- He loves glitter cards.
- Oh, good.
The words aren't mine,
but the sentiment is.
"You donut know how
much this means to me."
They didn't have one with croissants.
I looked everywhere.
Why didn't you just buy donuts?
Jeez, I-I didn't even think of that.
Great idea.
There's also a Starbucks card in there.
It's got my name on it,
But caffeine makes me, uh
That's how I'm feeling right now.
- Like, ahh.
- Mm. Mm.
- Okay, okay, okay.
- There's glitter everywhere.
I hate glitter. You
can never get rid of it.
It's like the taste of
garlic in your mouth.
Why are you not looking me in the eyes?
I-I wasn't sure if it was okay.
- What do you mean "okay"?
- You know what?
Let's let the chief get
back to work, shall we?
Come on, let's take
a tour of the station.
- Okay.
- I'll meet you out there.
- Not a good start.
- Remember how much
you liked the croissant?
There's glitter on my croissant.
- I just ate glitter.
- It's the thought that counts.
Yeah, whatever.
Okay, and this is the apparatus floor.
Granny's gonna show you how to load
those hoses onto the engine.
- Go get him, killer.
- Thanks, Cap.
Hey. Hey, what are you doing?
- Cap said that
- Never mind what he said.
Take a seat. Relax.
But you can't ignore a direct order.
- He's your superior.
- Can you keep a secret?
- I'm actually his superior.
- But he outranks you.
That's what I'm trying to tell you.
I'm here shooting "undercover boss."
- There are cameras everywhere.
- What are you talking about?
I own this entire place.
How do you own a fire department?
This whole area used to be
one of my family's apple orchards.
The city decided to put a
fire department on top of it.
That's how I became the owner.
But that's our little secret, okay?
Now that you mention it,
I can make out the
faint smell of apples.
You've got a keen nose, probie.
- Thank you.
- Probie!
What's with all these hoses?
If a call comes in, we're screwed.
- Get these hoses in the engine.
- Yes, ma'am.
Do I look like a "ma'am" to you?
Yes, ma'am. That is a term
for a female superior, ma'am.
Okay, well, even if it is,
stop saying it like you mean it.
Move it. Let's go!
Man, I am loving this.
I feel like people who
have issues with abuse
have never actually
abused someone before.
- Go ahead. Haze Mickleberry.
- Nah. And his name's Andy.
Let's just keep calling him Andy.
Is this the way he acts under pressure?
Because that is not a good sign.
He's totally cool.
I've done this a million
times at the Academy,
but with all you guys watching,
um, I'm just, like
Hey, man. Hey, hey.
- Um Are you okay?
- Get
- I-I didn't mean to do that.
- This
- Get this off me. Get off me.
- Woof.
- You sure about this guy, Cap?
- Damn it, probie.
Ah! What are you doing, man?
- Get off me.
- Yeah.
Pot pie.
How can you not love cat videos?
'Cause they're a waste of time.
They're hilarious.
God, I love cat videos.
Look at this. He's winking.
There's glitter on my pot pie.
I told you, glitter is the
herpes of the craft world.
Hey. Herpes is nothing to joke about.
It's a serious problem. For some people.
Yeah, well, I blame you.
You know Reggie Bon Jovi's
over at station 12 right now?
And it turns out he
is Bon Jovi's nephew.
And he rides a motorcycle to work.
A steel horse, Eddie.
- On a steel horse he rides.
- Whatever.
Mickleberry's gonna wipe the
floor with Reggie Bon Jovi.
All I know is that instead
of being covered in glitter, right now
I could have Bon Jovi
pourin' some sugar on me.
That's Def Leppard, you doorknob.
Well, every rose has its thorn.
- That's Poison.
- Here I go again.
- That's Whitesnake.
- I'm livin' after midnight.
- That's Judas Priest.
- I'm hungry like the wolf.
- That's Duran Duran.
- Karma chameleon.
That's Culture Club.
What, are you senile?
I'm still gonna eat it.
Look at his face.
Faster, Mickleberry.
You should have been done
30 seconds ago.
We could get a call any minute.
Okay, I it doesn't
fit. I need more time.
Oh, you know who else needs more time?
Everyone in a burning building.
Okay, okay. Just stop yelling.
Oh, come on. This isn't real pressure.
You know, just stop. Stop.
Go get the stabilizing
chains off the shelves.
30 seconds. Go.
- How's my boy doing?
- Not my boy.
- I didn't say he was your boy.
- Well, he's not. Okay?
Never will be.
- Is he crying?
- He's been really emo today.
- Really?
- Yeah.
How's the probie doing?
He is really bad under pressure.
Ten seconds!
Like, fixable bad or hopeless bad?
Uh, pretty hopeless, I think.
Oh, no.
I'll fix him.
Damn it. It's not even fun
to say his name anymore.
Admit it, Cap. You
picked yourself a lemon.
You know, lemon's a hateful word.
- He's gonna be fine.
- Oh, I don't know, Cap.
Honestly, I think you're
off on this one. He's
Hey, you think you two guys
came out of the Academy ready to go?
You didn't.
You got ten more seconds
to get that gear on, probie.
It's just really hard
with you screamin' at me
- like that, sir.
- Get used to it. Let's go!
- Ugh. Talk to the hand.
- What did he say?
- What did you say?
- No, I said, like,
"talk to the hand 'cause
the face ain't listenin'."
It's a saying. Like, everybody says it.
- Toilet duty.
- No! Wait!
Oh, man. Talk to the hand.
That's such a cool saying.
Why on earth did I stop saying that?
And you
Come on, you're failing, Granfield.
Every second counts.
Tick, tick, tick. Let's go.
- Faster!
- Aah!
Fuck this!
Wow, Cap.
Talk to the hand, you know what I mean?
- Toilet duty.
- What? No.
I did not look like Will
Smith from "Concussion."
- Oh, yes, you did.
- What's your point?
My point is, you guys figured it out,
and I think he will too.
Hey, probie, you pick
out a gear locker yet?
Not yet. It's a lot of pressure.
I don't know whether to pick one
closer to the pole or the engine.
I'm gonna go try again.
Cap, come on. The kid's a mess.
He can't even pick out a gear locker?
- Are you kidding me?
- Hey.
Talk to the hand, 'cause
the face ain't listenin'.
Wow. What the f
Wow, I never realized
how hurtful that was.
- It's all right, man.
- No, it's just shocking
when it just jumps out at you like that.
- Don't let it get to you.
- And I also feel badly
- that I've done that a lot.
- I get it.
But at least you're
taking responsibility now.
- I said it to my mom, man.
- Hey, hey.
There. The perfect locker.
Good choice, Mickleberry.
Hey, by the way, where
does Mickleberry come from?
- Is your dad Irish or
- No, Mexican.
My dad changed his last
name when he came to America.
- To Mickleberry?
- Yeah.
His original last name
was "Migelberrio."
So Mickleberry.
Do you ever think
about changing it back?
Um, not particularly, no.
What the hell kind of
parking job is this,
Granny? The engine's blocking the door.
- Ike parked it there.
- You drive the ambulance.
Don't you think you should have told Ike
to park the engine someplace else?
What's goin' on back there, guy?
What are you doing? You
doing a dance routine?
Rescue 42. Respond on the medical.
- Priority one
- Case in point.
- A medical call.
- There's a man down.
No. It's a medical call, probie.
It's just Granny and Lucy.
You know what?
Why don't you move the
engine out of the way?
- Me?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just drive it forward
so Granny can get out.
Let's go!
- You're gonna be great.
- Cap, you sure that's wise?
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
Watch this kid soar.
Put it in gear.
Drive it forward.
Ahh! Ahh!
- No, forward! Forward!
- Not backwards! No, no, no!
Forward, forward!
Forward! Oh, God.
- Son of a bitch, Mickleberry.
- Oh, my God.
Great pick on Mickleberry.
Jeez, you guys, he sucks.
The engine's damaged. My SUV is damaged.
And there's glitter everywhere.
It's under my nails.
It's behind my ears.
And look at this, hmm?
This is my urine.
My bladder is a freakin' snow globe.
Why'd you whiz in a cup?
To show you what you did to me.
Is that a gallstone in there?
Don't change the subject.
You picked a guy 'cause
he had a silly name.
And he's not even close to
being Neo from "The Matrix."
Admit it. You messed up.
You're right. I made a mistake.
Admit it! You made a mistake.
I just did.
I expected more pushback.
You know what your problem is?
You make your decisions on gut instinct.
And your gut instinct stinks.
That's actually your cup of piss.
- Go fire him.
- What? Why me?
Because if you buy the groceries
and the groceries go bad,
you throw out the groceries.
Go fire him. That's an order.
Oh, come on, what about that sweet
Chuck E. Cheese everyday hero story?
- Fire him.
- Fine.
Enjoy your apple juice.
Thank you.
Ugh! Pah!
Yeah, mom, it's like I'm
walking on a cloud here.
I've had some bumps, but
everyone's been supportive.
It's kind of corny, but
They're already like family,
Which is exactly what
I needed, you know?
Since Papi died.
And now I can finally
help with the mortgage
and Abuelita's dialysis.
Gracias a dios.
By the way, Captain Penisi,
he's even cooler than I thought he'd be.
You should see how dope his hair is.
Anyway, uh, see you at home.
- Hey, Mickleberry.
- Hey, Cap.
I wanted to explain about before.
You shouldn't yell at Granny
because he secretly owns
- the station.
- Say what now?
Yeah. He told me not to tell you
but I really don't want
you to get into trouble.
He's an undercover boss.
Really? Okay.
Well, I'll deal with that later.
We need to talk. Have a seat.
MVA, engine 24.
- Oh, saved by the bell.
- Rescue 42.
Respond priority one
to 3rd Avenue and
- Yeah.
- And Dalton Street
for the two-car MVA
with unknown injuries.
Ike, stay with the engine.
Granny and Lucy, help
the people in the Sedan.
I'll check the driver in the blue car.
Mickleberry, you stay with Ike.
I'm Captain Eddie Penisi, ma'am.
Do you know your name?
What are you transporting back there?
- Murder hornets.
- Murder hornets?
For medical research.
That crate is open.
We are so fucked.
We gotta get you out of here.
Okay. Oh
There we go. There we go.
- You're gonna be okay.
- Anastasia.
What's your last name, Anastasia?
No, Anastasia is my cat.
She's in the car.
You have to get her out
or the murder hornets will murder her.
Hey, somebody get that cat
out of the car!
Be careful, there's
murder hornets in there.
- Murder hornets?
- What? Shut up.
I'll do it.
He's the one.
Ahh! Ow! Aah!
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
- Aah, aah, aah, aah.
- No, no, no.
- Go over there.
- No, no, no! Over there!
No, no, no.
Hi. I got you, baby. Yeah.
- Oh. Oh
- Here you go.
Here you go.
- We got your cat.
- Thank you.
You did good in there, kid.
Thanks, Mrs. McConky.
Hey, you know what?
I'm not gonna call you Andy anymore.
- What's your real name, pal?
- Andy.
Ah, poor fella. No, what's your name?
What's your real name?
It's Andy. I'm Andrés Mickleberry.
- Ha!
- Oh, crazy.
- Hey, Granny?
- Yeah, kid?
Did you get me rescuing
the cat on camera?
Yeah. Yeah, I did.
Next time, don't worry
about the murder hornets.
Just get the cat out.
Smart idea.
I'm in a lot of pain.
Mickleberry, you showed
me something today.
What you did was brave and selfless.
You came through in the clutch.
And you saved a cat.
I still can't believe I rescued
my favorite animal of all time.
Well, you did. Believe it.
It was actually very Penisi of you.
Hey, Cap,
What was that thing you
wanted to tell me before?
Don't you worry your pretty little head
about it, Mickleberry.
Everything's cool.
Okay, cool.
Is he dead?
Oh, there it is. Yep, he's alive.
- Good, good.
- Sweet dreams, moonbeam.
Fuck you, Reggie Bon Jovi.
Our probie went out in a blaze of glory.
All right, Mickleberry.
After great consideration,
we've come up with your probie nickname.
We dub thee
Murder hornet.
- Boom!
- Hey.
Oh, this is awesome.
- Yeah.
- You earned it.
- It looks just like me.
- Mm-hmm. That's you.
There's glitter on my nose.
I can see it. Look at this!
- I blame you for this.
- I'm happy about that.
- It's your fault.
- Baby oil on cotton balls
is great for removing glitter from skin.
- I brought some for you.
- How do you know this?
I went through a glam
phase in high school.
That tracks.
All right, let's see.
Hey! It worked.
It worked! Ha!
Mickleberry, you are forgiven.
Good work, man.
Hey, stop avoiding eye
contact. Right here.
- Right here.
- Yes, sir.
- Look me in the eyes.
- Sir, yes, sir.
And as for you, undercover boss.
For disobeying my orders,
- Toilet duty!
- Man, that's busted.
Yeah, all right.
Hey, guys, I think it's time
to take an a shift photo.
- Hell yeah.
- Let's do it!
- Come on, murder hornet.
- All right. Okay.
- All right, a shift.
- Yes.
- Come on.
- Aw, this is gonna be good.
All right, get up here, Mickleberry.
Come here, you.
Okay, everybody, line up.
Come on, now. Get in.
This is gonna be great. All right.
Everyone say "a shift," okay?
One, two, three
We got you!
- Good job, Ike.
- Ramadoodle!
Welcome to station 24, probie!
- Whoo!
- Nice.
- Good one, Ikey!
- Yeah, buddy.
Bing, bing.
Here we go. Come on.
Let's take it again.
All right, probie. Good work.
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