Tacoma FD (2019) s04e12 Episode Script

Kangaroo Court

You guys are useless.
What are you even doing?
I'd like to see you
do something for once.
- What, are you scared?
- All right, here we go.
- What's going on, shit face?
- Eat a dick, Penisi.
Hey, check yourself, Polonsky.
- Check yourself, Crystal.
- All right, all right.
- Jerry.
- Terry.
- Nice to see you.
- You as well.
What brings you out?
Looks like we have a
jurisdictional problem.
Yeah, he wants us to
take care of these guys,
but they're his problem, not ours.
- Drunks, huh?
- Yep.
Looks like a police problem.
- Exactly.
- What's with the wet pants?
The wet your pants challenge, bitch!
- He called you a bitch!
- What's that supposed to mean?
What, you never heard
of it, Chief Queef?
[CHUCKLES] Step one,
you piss your pants.
Step two, film it. [LAUGHS]
It's a new social media craze.
You piss yourself in an
unexpected place and film it.
All the influencers are doing it.
Kylie Jenner pissed her yoga pants
at London Bridge last
week. Broke the internet.
- It was pretty dope.
- Have you done it?
I'd rather not say.
We wet ourselves five times
at the Tacoma Terriers Game
- and three times just now.
They are not getting in my ambulance.
- Yeah, they are.
- Yeah, they are.
Public intoxication, graffiti,
vandalism take 'em to jail.
Well, I'm sorry to have
to play this card, but
- I'm gonna have to take you to jail.
- Thank you.
For doing the wet your pants challenge?
Be cool, brah. Social meeds.
Or you could tell these firefighters
about your chest pain.
I don't have chest pain.
Or you can tell these firefighters
about your chest pain, and legally,
they have to take you to
the er instead of jail.
No, no.
BOTH: We have chest pain!
Ah, my chest!
- Oh!
- Ow, my chest!
- Yeah!
- You heard it.
Chest pains, or as I
call it, incarceritis.
No, no chance. We're
not taking these guys.
- Absolutely not.
- Nope, he's right.
We gotta take 'em. Load 'em up.
Are you kidding me? Come on.
We have no choice. Those are the rules.
- Load 'em up.
- Chief.
- All right, Granny.
- Cap.
Might want to put on a life jacket
for the waterworks. [LAUGHS]
And by water, he means piss.
- Yeah.
- Oh, really?
Wait, wait, wait, take a video of me
wetting myself in the ambulance.
No, I just cleaned that ambulance out.
- No.
- Hey, you mind? Just one.
- Come on.
- Want it vertical.
- Oh, shit.
- Ah, my phone's all wet!
- Come on, let's go. Hurry up.

Well, I'm hot-blooded ♪
Check it and see ♪
I got a fever of 103 ♪
I'm hot-blooded ♪
Hear ye, hear ye,
this kangaroo court is now in session.
Let justice be served
for the crimes committed
within these walls, may
they be real or perceived.
Mm, good word, Your Honor.
- Thank you very much, Bailiff.
My first kangaroo court.
I'm a little nervous.
Eh, don't worry about it, probie.
It's all in good fun. Nobody
takes it too seriously.
Bailiff, you may call the first case.
All right, Your Honor,
the court of Station 24
recognizes Lucy McConky.
Your Honor, theft is a heinous crime,
and no thievery is lower
than firefighter on firefighter theft.
- Mm.
- You can say that again.
- Deplorable.
- As someone who enjoys looking "noice,"
I recently bought a
very expensive bottle
of shampoo to add extra body to my hair.
Someone in this station
has been stealing
that very expensive shampoo.
Your Honor, I bring before the court
the case of the people
versus Ike Crystal!
BOTH: Murmur, murmur, murmur, murmur.
Your Honor, two weeks
ago, I bought this bottle
of Maurice Pasqual Extra Volumizing
Ultra full body shampoo for $189.99.
$189? For shampoo?
May I remind you that
you're the judge right now
- and not my father?
- Yeah, but that's crazy.
- what's in that thing, gold?
Well, it's pretty common
for high-end shampoo
- these days, Your Honor.
- Is that right, Bailiff?
Indeed, and that right there
is the low end of the high end.
Shut the front door! Maybe I am crazy.
No, no, you're not crazy.
Thank you for your
shampoo expertise, Bailiff.
Well, I appreciate your appreciation
- of my expertise.
As you might note, the
bottle is almost empty.
- Inspect that, Bailiff.
- Yes, Sir.
- Yep, that's empty.
- I thought the same thing.
- Mm-hmm.
- Ike asked me to use it,
and I declined given its lofty price.
Soon, the levels began to lower
and his hair became fluffier.
Objection. Circumstantial.
Sustained. Very good, Ike.
- That's good legalese.
- Yeah!
- Murmur, murmur, murmur.
- Murmur, murmur.
Your Honor, I would like to call
to the stand an expert witness,
Andres Mickleberry!
Mickleberry, are you familiar
with Maurice Pasqual Extra Volumizing
Ultra full body shampoo?
I am. My mom uses it.
It smells like home.
Mickleberry, will you smell Ike's hair
and tell me what it smells like?
I don't think we need
to do that, Your Honor.
- I'll allow it.
- Mm.
Ah, dios mío.
Maurice Pasqual. I'd bet my life on it.
Objection! Uh, speculation.
He is an expert witness. Overruled.
[CHUCKLES] He is an expert.
- Yeah.
- Good call, Your Honor.
He had his nose in that thing
- like it was another dog's ass.
Yes, I think he could
smell what he was thinking.
And, Your Honor, I actually
saw Ike use the shampoo.
- What?
- Murmur, murmur.
BOTH: Murmur, murmur, murmur, murmur.
We were showering after a call
when Ike mentioned his dry hair.
Ugh, these fires make my
hair so thin and flat and dry!
- Does that happen to you?
- Not really.
Thanks a lot, Obama.

Oh, hello, you. [LAUGHS]
Ike, don't! That's Lucy's.
Yeah, no shit it's Lucy's.
Chick shampoo fucking rules.
You shouldn't steal from other people.
It's fine. Don't worry about it.
I do this all the time.
"Ike, that's not yours. That's Lucy's."
Shut up, bro! God.
I think that stuff is really expensive.
By the way, if you say
anything about this,
I'm gonna waste you, bro.
Snap, crackle, pop!
- Murmur, murmur.
- Murmur, murmur, murmur.
Ugh, how do we know he didn't do it?
He probably used it. Look
at his wavy, curly hair.
- Look at how wavy it is.
- I have naturally curly hair.
Your Honor, we know
it wasn't Mickleberry.
- And how do we know that?
- Because Mickleberry is allergic
to Maurice Pasqual shampoo!
It's true.
I'm allergic to the cleansing agent
in Maurice Pasqual,
cocamidopropyl betaine.
It irritates my skin.
Here's a note from my
mother stating such.
Bailiff, enter that into evidence.
Entering to evidence, Your Honor.
"My son is allergic
to the cleansing agent
cocamidopropyl betaine
in Maurice Pasqual shampoo.
Maria Mickleberry."
Looks legit, Your Honor.
It does look legit.
All right. [SLAMS GAVEL]
- This court is ready to rule.
- Judge ruling.
I hereby find Ike Crystal
guilty of the crime of theft.
I sentence you to reimburse
Lucy McConky $189.99
using the Cashmo app.
Wait, whoa, whoa, that's a lot of money!
Furthermore, upon recess of this court,
I order you to wash that shampoo
right out of your
hair, and I also ban you
from using any volumizing shampoo
- For one month.
- Yes.
What? I need to volumize.
I'm gonna look ridiculous.
- Next case.
- Alarm, Engine 24.
Rescue 42, respond to unknown odor.
Okay, this court is adjourned
until the crew returns.
Thank you very much,
everybody. That was fun.

Hear ye, hear ye,
this kangaroo court is back in session.
- Kangaroo court sucks.
- You suck.
- You suck.
- You suck.
And the court will now recognize
Captain Edward Penisi Jr.
- Eddie ♪
Your Honor
we can all agree that treason
is a most heinous crime.
Oh, very heinous. Isn't
that right, Bailiff?
Most heinous crime I know.
And if we sit by
while acts of treason are committed,
- are we not ourselves traitors?
- We are traitors.
- Isn't that right, Bailiff?
- Dirty dogs.
It is with this weighing on my heart
That I accuse Chief
Terry McConky of treason.
- Murmur, murmur.
- Murmur, murmur, major murmur.
What? How?
I am accusing you
of being friends with the enemy,
police captain Jerry Polonsky.
- Murmur, murmur.
- Oh, shit, murmur, murmur.
- Oh.
- Murmur, baby, murmur.
That's ridiculous. Me
friends with Polonsky?
I can't wait to hear this one.
If it pleases the court,
the prosecution will
now present its case.
It pleases the court.
Isn't that right, Bailiff?
Oh, from the rootie to the tootie.
This'll be good.
Oh, ye, oh, ye. Court is in session.
The honorable Bailiff Granfield Smith
will now preside over the case
of the people versus Terry McConky.
Chief McConky, you stand accused
of being friends with
Captain Jerry Polonsky.
Oh, boy, this is gonna be a classic.
- Oh, yeah.
- Okay, go ahead.
Terry, today I am going to prove
that the two of you have a
wealth of things in common,
and that that has lead you to
become secret close friends.
[LAUGHS] Come on.
He's a redhead. They
smell like mothballs.
I mean, give me a break.
- Why would I be friends with that?
- Mm-hmm, indeed.
The other day,
when we greeted the cops with insults
at the incarceritis imbroglio,
you not only greeted
Polonsky with a very friendly,
"nice to see you," but
you also sided with him
against the TFD, did you not?
- Murmur, murmur.
- Murmur, murmur, murmur.
Okay, that's what this is about?
Great. All right. Let's do it.
Terry, would you state for me the name
of your favorite country and western
music recording artist please?
Well, I think we all
know it's Leigh Weigh.
And did you not attend
the Leigh Weigh concert
last month on the 29th?
You freaking know I did.
They closed with "Fresh Cut Grass
And a Piece o' Ass."
- Nobody left.
- Your Honor, exhibit A.
Oh, great, you're a tech guy now?
This photo was posted
to Jerry Polonsky's
boi-oi-oing page the morning
after the Leigh Weigh concert.
So what? He's a weigh watcher.
Maybe I should be friends with him.
But hold on one second.
I think you were there together.
- Oh, murmur, murmur.
- Murmur, murmur, murmur.
- It's a good one.
- Whoo!
Yeah, I went straight from work.
Chief McConky, do you recall that,
at our most recent charity auction,
there were two unclaimed tickets
to the Bonney Lake Arts & Crafts Fair?
- Can't say that I do.
- Hm, that's very interesting,
considering that those two tickets
were pinned to the bulletin board
outside of your office for some time
until they went missing.
Objection, Your Honor. Who gives a shit?
Counselor, you better be
going someplace with this.
Oh, I am, Your Honor. I am.
Your Honor, the Bonney
Lake Arts & Crafts Fair
was on Saturday the 2nd of this month.
Now, the night of the 2nd,
Chief McConky was caught
running a red light camera
in the town of bonney lake.
- Oh.
- Murmur, murmur.
- Okay, so what?
And how do you know this, counselor?
I know this because Terry showed me
the red light ticket photo.
- He thought it was funny.
- Big deal.
I think red light
photo cameras are funny.
- It's pretty funny.
- Yeah. See?
Everyone thinks they're funny.
The thing we never
discussed was the identity
of this person obscured in the photo
sitting next to Terry in his car.
- It's probably Vicky.
- You don't recall?
Probably Vicky.
Lucy, what did Terry tell
you about that ticket?
He bragged about how
he pulled some strings
- to get out of it.
- Oh.
Pulled some strings,
did he? Well, well, well.
It must be very easy to
get out of a traffic ticket
when the passenger in your
car is a police captain.
- BOTH: Murmur, murmur, murmur.
- Murmur, murmur, murmur.
Okay, this is stupid, all right?
Now it's getting boring.
That was your best joke.
Let's move on now.
Your Honor, I demand a retrial.
I was blatantly framed
for that shampoo crime.
- I didn't do it.
- And if you were framed
for the shampoo, why is
your hair so flat now?
I stop. I
[SIGHS] Look, I request a short recess
so I can get my case in order, please.
- Your case is over.
- But I'm innocent, I tell you!
I'm innocent! I was framed!
Ike, I got the chief on the ropes.
What? Whatever, "on the ropes."
- Fresh alarm, Engine 24
Okay, roll it out.
We will resume when we return.
- Oh, man.
Did you see his face
when you brought up
the red light ticket?
Terry has five minutes of fun in him,
- and then he gets cranky.
- And defensive.
Yeah, about me saying
he's friends with Polonsky.
Tell you what I'm gonna do.
When we get back in
there, I am gonna hit him
with some really stupid
stuff just to piss him off.
- Who is in this photo?
- Probably Vicky.
It doesn't really look like her.
I'ma text her.
"Were you with dad in the car
when he got the red light ticket?"
It's gotta be her.
Who else would Terry go to
an arts & crafts fair with?
She said "What ticket?"
- Guess it's not her.
Sorry, uh, you know I didn't
use the Maurice Pasqual, right?
- Yes, you did, Ike.
- No, I didn't, Lucy.
- You look like a scarecrow.
- Oh, come on.
Okay, maybe I used it once
Because my Husky 3-in-1
Men's Body Wash was out.
I used it one time, but
there's no way I used that much.
That's impossible. Somebody
else is using it, okay?
And it wasn't me, Lucy,
so stop looking at me like
that. It wasn't you know what?
I'm gonna find out who,
and you can bet your ass
I'm gonna find out, and
we're gonna solve it.
Mickleberry caught you red-handed!
Well, Mickleberry is a liar!
Guys, guys, it's kangaroo court.
- It's kangaroo court. Calm down.
- Cap, I'm calm,
but I got robbed in
there! This is bullshit!
Cap, can you kick him
out of our private lunch.
Did you guys go to Blobby's without me?
- Yeah, we did.
- Awesome.
- You know it's my favorite.
Blobby's sucks!

- Oh, ye!
Oh, ye, oh, ye, oh, ye!
We resume the case
of the people versus Chief McConky.
Okay, Eddie, are we gonna
keep going with this?
I thought we got all
the laughs out of it, hm?
Oh, Your Honor, I would like
to call another witness to the stand.
Oh. Hey, sorry. You
guys having a meeting?
Well, what'd you want, Lucy?
Your Honor, the people call
Viccolina Penisi-McConky.
Oh, no, not kangaroo court again.
Mom, please, just one quick question.
Yeah, but last time, Eddie accused Terry
of wearing spanx, and then
then he tricked me into testifying.
- I don't want to do that again.
- I don't wear spanx.
- Okay, let's not talk about it.
- It's super important.
Five minutes, that's it.
Mrs. Penisi-McConky,
thank you for taking time
out of your busy schedule
- to accommodate us.
- Let's get to it, Eddie.
Mrs. Penisi-McConky,
do you remember Terry going
to the Leigh Weigh concert
- last month?
- Of course.
He's still singing that
"Ass In The Grass" song.
Honey, it's "Fresh Cut
Grass And a Piece o' Ass."
Yeah, you know what I mean.
I used to sing that song to
you when you rubbed my feet.
We don't have to tell everybody that.
Do you remember with whom
Terry went to the concert?
- Ike.
- Yeah?
Oh, me Ike?
No, you're probably thinking
of a different guy named Ike.
I actually said Mike.
Mike Penkenten from
the treasurer's office.
No, you said Ike.
I specifically said
Mike. Mike Penkenten.
- Murmur, murmur, murmur.
- No, not not now.
Wait, Terry, did you lie to me?
Are you kidding me? Are
you falling for this?
This is a joke.
Vicky, is this you
in the car with Terry?
- No, this is a man, Eddie.
- Indeed. Indeed.
Terry, who did you go
to the concert with?
- Mike Penkenten!
- Who is this in this picture?
- It's probably Mike Penkenten.
- Mike Penkenten is not a white guy.
Okay, joke's over. Come on, all right?
Look it she's getting mad at me now.
- Are you happy?
- All right, counselor.
Where are you going with this?
Your Honor, it is the
prosecution's belief
that Terry McConky is
secretly attending events
with Jerry Polonsky.
They went to the Leigh
Weigh concert together.
They went to the Bonney Lake
Arts & Crafts Fair together,
and if you'd look at these
two photos side-by-side,
they reveal that the mystery passenger
in Terry's car is none other
than his open-mouthed friend
Jerry Polonsky.
- Oh!
- Murmur, murmur.
Murmur, murmur.
Vicky, this is a joke, okay?
This is a joke, all right?
Your Honor, the prosecution
brings to the stand
police captain Gerald McRainey Polonsky.
Yeah, right.
- He's actually here. [CHUCKLES]
- The hell do you want, Penisi?
You said there was a
crime being committed here.
There is the crime of treason,
and Terry McConky is guilty!
ALL: Murmur, murmur, murmur,
murmur, murmur, murmur, murmur.
Yeah, we don't arrest
people for treason.
You need to call the feds.
Jerry, would you consider
yourself to be friends
- with Terry McConky?
- Us? Friends?
I'd sooner eat a rat, crap that out,
eat that, crap that out,
feed that to another rat,
and then eat that rat.
Objection, Your Honor!
Super gross and mildly confusing.
Sustained, Ike, but this isn't
your case. You can't object.
Well, now that I've got your attention,
can I just tell you, I'm innocent!
I paid Lucy a lot of
money for that shampoo.
- A lot of money!
- And there it is.
- Thanks, Ike.
Jerry, who did you go to
the Leigh Weigh concert with?
- Joe.
- I'm not falling for it.
Joe mama! Ooh, ooh!
Oh, Joe mama. That was awesome.
Like, Joe Joe mama.
It's like a knock-knock joke.
Forget it, man. Try to keep up.
Were you in Terry's car
the night he got the
red light camera ticket?
No, that was probably your mom.
Oh, zing. He got her twice in a row.
- Yeah.
- Man, he's vicious.
I'm sorry, Terry, did
you want to be friends?
Maybe our kids can
date again with the
- Okay.
- Hey.
- That's offensive.
- Her mother is here.
Oh, my God.
Uncle Eddie, you gotta see this.

All right, Cap, can you wrap this up?
Not just yet, Your Honor.
I call Terry McConky back to the stand.
Okay, Eddie, joke's
over. All right? Really.
Terry, did you recently purchase
a wicker basket?
- I don't recall.
- Honey, yes, you did.
It's in the bathroom.
It's holding your boat magazines.
Oh, thanks, honey.
Everyone, this is Lucy's Cashmo app.
Note the top payment, Ike
Crystal to Lucy McConky.
Terry, are you aware
that Cashmo allows you
to view your friends' transactions
- as well as your own?
- How?
That's just the way Cashmo works.
- Everybody knows that.
- Why would they do that?
- Social media.
- It's not social media.
It's banking transactions.
Terry, did you reimburse
Jerry for a wicker basket?

Did you or did you not
reimburse Jerry Polonsky
for a wicker basket that you purchased
at the Bonney Lake Arts & Crafts Fair?
Objection! Your Honor, objection.
Overruled. I want to hear this.
If it pleases the court

Everybody, notice the bottom
payment from one month ago.

Dad, was Polonsky in the car with you?
Terry, is that who you
went to the concert with?
Terry, are you friends with Polonsky?
That's ridiculous!
No, I'm not friends with Polonsky.
- You are under oath.
- No, I'm not under oath.
- This is kangaroo court.
- Tell us the truth.
- You want the truth?
- Yeah, I want the truth.
- You want the truth?
- Yeah, I want the truth!
- I can't handle the truth.
- Yes.
Yes, I went to the arts &
crafts fair with Polonsky!
We called it our crafternoon,
and we got baskets,
and we got dreamcatchers,
and we watched glassblowing,
and we had funnel
cake, and you know what?
We had a great time
because we're friends!
- We are friends.
- There, I said it.
And I feel free now! How's that?
How long has this been going on?
I ran into him at the Bert
Kreisher concert in February.
We chatted. We laughed. We hit it off.
- He's hysterical.
- He's hysterical.
Oh, and you know what?
I went to the Leigh Weigh
concert with him too,
but you'd know that if you'd just looked
at your picture more closely.
My reflection is in the sunglasses!

I had the time of my life.
Why have you been keeping this from us?
He's a cop! It's like
"Romeo and Juliet."
- With a dude every weekend?
- It's so weird.
Besides, you're not
supposed to make friends
- over 40 with random new people.
- Watching Netflix by myself.
- Why is it any different?
- Nobody accepts it!
- This is crazy!
- You think I'm weird?
There's a tradition
of the fire department
- hating the police.
- You guys have been
coming at me forever!
Order! Order in the courtroom!
- And I don't wear spanx!
- Order! Order!
- Mom?
Eddie, have you been using
Maurice Pasqual Extra Volumizing
Ultra full body shampoo?
- What?
- Lucy uses it.
- You were using it?
- No, it's not Maurice Pasqual.
It's not Maurice Pasqual.
It's not Maurice Pasqual.
[SNIFFS] I smell it All over the
place here. Wow, you guys.
[SNIFFING] It's there. It's there.
- We got it
- What are you, a bloodhound?
Mickleberry, you too?
Terry, what are you paying these guys?
You said you were allergic, bro!
Okay, so what? It makes
my curls look awesome.
You owe me $189.
You both owe me $189.99.
[LAUGHS] Oh, baby, yes!
- Wait, what ow.
I cannot believe this!
This is rampant collusion!
He's the ringleader. He always has been.
- Mickleberry did it!
Order in my courtroom!
Looks like I got a lot
of sentences to hand down.
And some to retract.
And I'm the only one
who's not a shampoo thief.
Cap, you should be ashamed of yourself.
Eh, I'm not sorry. My hair's sweet.
I hope you go bald.
Chief Terry McConky, this
court finds you guilty
of secretly being friends
with captain Jerry Polonsky.
We're gonna take a short recess
to figure out your punishment.
Ooh, embroidered
mushrooms. Look at that.
- Hey.
- Huh?
- You're a fun guy.
- That's a good one.
- Thank you.
Oh, man. Ooh, candles.
Look at this. [LAUGHS]
I love fragrances.
- Mm.
- Hit me.
Sand and fog.
- I'd bet anything.
- Oh!
Huh? Nailed it.
Hey, guys, wait up. Check it out.
- Dreamcatchers, tons of 'em back there.
- Sweet.
Also, there's a booth back there
with homemade sleep masks
with animal faces on 'em.
I'm talking, like, owl eyes,
racoon eyes, and whatnot.
- Shut up.
- I've gotta get one of those.
- Me too!
I gotta tell you something, Eddie.
When Granny handed down that sentence
and said that you
couldn't use hair product
and that we should
spend the day together
at the arts & crafts fair, I
thought it was a punishment,
but your hair looks great,
and this has been a lot of fun.
It really has. I have to be honest.
I didn't think I could hang out
with a cop, specifically this cop.
- You.
- But this has been terrific.
Really terrific. [CHUCKLES]
Hey, homemade bookmarks.
- What?
- You guys read?
- Of course.
- Okay, okay, hold on.
- I'll get some.
- I'll catch up with you.
Hey, anyway, I wanted to thank you
for being so cool about
Terry and I being friends,
and who knows, maybe
one day, the three of us,
maybe we'll be a trio. [CHUCKLES]
Not on your life.
I'm gonna bide my time
like a lion in tall grass,
and then poof, I'm gonna eat you,
bones and all, and you're gonna be gone,
and no one will ever miss you.
Hey, Terry, wait up! I love bookmarks!
That's not a very nice
thing to say to somebody.
Here, let's come back
here. Let's come
There's something I want
to show you down here.
- Yeah.
- The dreamcatchers.
Oh, where are the dreamcatchers?
- They're right back here.
- Oh, great, okay.
- Should we get Jerry or
- Nah, nah, nah. He'll be fine.
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