Tacoma FD (2019) s04e11 Episode Script

It's a Penisi-ful Life

Wait. You never pee in the shower?
- Never. It's nasty.
- Really?
Sometimes I hold it
until I'm in the shower.
- Yeah.
- Come on. How do you aim?
- I don't.
- You don't have to aim.
- You're in the shower, bro.
- No, bro. What?
You are missing out on one of the
finer things in life, my friend.
- What up, a-holes?
- Hey, what's up?
- Hey.
- A-hole.
What the hell's with all
the flavored seltzer water?
It was a gift from the guy we
uncoupled from the hot tub jet.
Yeah, but that doesn't
mean you have to drink it.
I keep telling you, that stuff sucks.
It's a scourge. Get rid of it.
- No. I love it.
- Yeah, you got to try
this fizzle froot guava
jalapeño, my friend.
And the lepleux pamplemousse
is always a solid choice.
But there's barely any flavor.
- Exactly.
Why would you drink something
with hardly any flavor?
I don't know. 'Cause it's good.
Just a whiff.
- Yeah, 'cause we like it.
You people never listen to me.
Those drinks are a scam.
You only drink them
because they're trendy.
Let me show you how they make them.

Mm-hmm. There you go. Penisi froot.
- Pfft.
- You're gross.
I'm not sure it works
like that, but, uh
He's really cranky.
- Are you gonna make me try it?
- Obviously, yes.
[LAUGHS] So he drinks it.
[LAUGHS] I can't believe you drank it.
Oh, boy.
- Actually, pretty good.
- What?
Yeah, right. Whatever.
Ah, let me try. [LAUGHS]
Ike, what are you doing, man?
Ah, it still smells like farts.
I'm drinking it.

That is nice.

Well, I'm hot-blooded ♪
Check it and see ♪
I got a fever of 103 ♪
I'm hot-blooded ♪
What the hell? Where's my soccer game?
Hey, guys, I recorded
AC Milan versus Udinese,
and it's not here.
You know what happened?
We thought it was recorded
by mistake and we deleted it.
- Mickleberry.
- Come on, man.
- Don't admit it, man.
- Are you kidding me?
Yeah, sorry, Cap.
We needed to make room for this
game show we've been watching
where people eat stuff
to figure out if it's
cake or made of legos.
[LAUGHS] It's really good.
That was a huge match.
AC Milan is currently
number one in Calcio A,
but Sassuolo, Juventus,
Atalanta, and Udinese are
currently in contention.
Are those cars or
- They're soccer teams, bro.
- Kind of feel about soccer
the way you feel about
flavored seltzers.
Aren't you Mexican?
Is this gonna be a gross generalization?
- Mexican people love soccer.
- Not me.
I think it's boring. They
just pass the ball around
and the game ends in a zero-zero tie.
I'm with him. I want touchdowns,
scoring, homeruns, that's it.
No, that's the beauty of the game.
It's a chess match that's
often decided by just one goal.
It's incredible. The
fans are going bananas.
- You know, I keep saying
we should watch a
game together sometime.
Fine. Okay. Fine. Fine.
I try to broaden your horizons,
and this is the thanks I get.
My horizons are plenty broadened, okay?
I'm gonna be a star because of this uke.
I'm writing parody songs
and the first song I'm
parodying is "Purple Rain."
I call it "Carpool Lane." [LAUGHS]
Carpool lane, carpool lane ♪
- That's awesome.
- That was pretty great, man.
My god, Granny, song
parodies are the lowest form
of entertainment on the entire planet.
Any idiot can "Weird
Al" Yankovic a song.
- That's not true.
- Yeah? Name a popular song right now.
Uh, "Smear My Dick Sauce"
by Changy B featuring PDQ Zygote.
Smear my dick sauce. Okay.
"Shear my ticks off," and you
sing it in a sheep's voice.
- Boom. It's that easy.
- Hey, can I use that?
Yeah, take it. Do what you want with it.
Throw it in the trash. It's gonna suck.
Wait, wait, hold on a second. Back up.
Are you saying that "Weird
Al" Yankovic takes a song
that's already popular and
then does his version of it?
'Cause I'm pretty sure
it's the other way around.
Are you telling me that you
think that "Weird Al" Yankovic
wrote a song called
"Another One Rides the Bus,"
and in response, Freddie
Mercury and Queen wrote
- "Another One Bites the Dust"?
- Yeah.
Ikey, respectfully, you
have said some dumb things in
your life, but this one might
be the dumbest of them all.
That's not respectful at all.
No, he's right. I am super stupid.
I say dumb shit all the time.
He's always telling me that
I say dumb stuff and I'm
like, "thank you for pointing
that out because now
I know that I'm an idiot
and I should probably
just stop thinking."
- Hey, what's up, gang?
- Not much.
Cap's just pissing in
everyone's cheerios.
No, I'm not. I'm trying to give out
life advice, but no one appreciates it.
For example,
Mickleberry, you sit around all day
eating onion bagels and you
wonder why your breath stinks.
[GASPS] Edward Caesar Penisi.
I know you're upset,
but breath-shaming the probie,
that is a bridge too far.
Well, so is shame-shaming me.
I'm trying to improve his
life. The kid is constantly
complaining about his breath being bad.
He's right, Chief. I am.
- But I still want that bagel.
- No, I'm doing you a favor.
I'm trying to do all of you favors.
You are very ornery.
Are you going through man-opause?
No, I'm not going through man-opause.
I sacrificed one of my
nuts for this station
and I don't get an
ounce of appreciation.
Well, I made the same sacrifice.
You don't see me running around here
rubbing my one testicle
in everyone's face.
- Okay, well, there's this.

I said I wanted this stuff gone,
but nobody listens to me.
So now, I'm gonna dump it myself.
- Oh, come on. Really?
- Don't.
- What are you doing?
- Cap!
What are you doing, Cap?
- No, no, no, no, no.
- No, don't, Cap.
- Don't touch it!
- No, no, no, no!
I organized that.
There. Honestly,
I would like to see you all
try to manage without me.
It would be a total disaster.
Oh, boy. Okay.
[GROANS] Wow. That hurt.
Oh, boy.
Hey, Ike, do you wanna help me up?
I kind of rang my bell. [GROANS]
Man, this smidge banapricot one is nice.
Ooh, I love smidge.
Just a smidge of flavor
means a smidge of taste ♪
God, what the hell, guys?
You that mad at me?
They're not mad at you, Eddie.
How can they be mad at
someone who doesn't exist?
Who are you?
They can't be mad at you
because you were never born.
Oh, are you from softwood meadows?
Hold on. You got an id bracelet?
No, Eddie, Eddie,
I'm not from the
assisted living facility.
I'm your guardian angel, Lawrence.
Uh, hey, someone call softwood meadows.
See if they're missing a patient.
Hey, joke's over. This guy needs help.
You really are a thick
one, aren't you, Eddie?
Haven't you ever seen a
hallmark Christmas movie?
[LAUGHS] Okay, the prank's over.
- The prank's over.
- It's not a prank, Eddie.
Stick your hand down
your pants and find out.
Okay, stick my hand down my
pants and this isn't a prank?
Okay, I'm gonna put my hand in my pants.
You guys can take a photo.
We'll all have a nice laugh.
Okay, here we go. Here we go.
Oh, yeah. Oh, that's my
kind of day right here.
Yeah, how many testicles
do you feel, Eddie?

[GASPS] Oh, my God,
I've got two testicles.
You have two testicles
because you didn't pop one
pulling Chief McConky out of that fire.
Because you were never born.
- Let's go.
- All right.
Eddie, I'm an angel,
and I'm here to show you
what life would be like
without you.

- So am I a ghost?
- Can I float?
- No.
- Can I walk through people?
- No.
- Can I haunt anyone?
- Eddie, Eddie.
I'm an angel, and I'm here to show you
what Station 24 would be
like if you'd never been born.
- Oh.
- Come on.
Now take your hand out of your pants.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Okay.
- What what are we doing?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. [WHOOSHING]
Whoa. God, you just whooshed
us through that wall.
I mean, you do realize you only
saved us, like, two seconds.
- But still.
- Eddie, observe.
Oh, man, this place is a mess.
Well, they're packing up. What?
Oh, my God. The station
got shut down without me?
Granny, can you believe
we're moving into
a brand-new deluxe station?
[CHUCKLES] yeah, well, that's
what happens when you win
best shift in America
three years in a row, baby!
- oh, yeah.
Best shift in America? Without me?
Hey, Ike, I'm really sorry
I won't be joining you.
Ah, I'm sorry too, Granny.
Oh, man, Granny didn't make the cut.
No, no, he quit.
[GROANS] Hey, thanks for letting me
leave my platinum albums here.
They're putting solid gold bidets
in every room in my mansion.
- What did he just say?
- Without you shitting all over
the fine art form of song parody,
Granny went on to be
even bigger than Weird Al.
- Bigger than Weird Al?
- I got to say,
that last multimillion
dollar-selling album
that you made was so funny.
"Uptown Skunk" instead of "Uptown Funk?"
How do you even think of that stuff?
It makes me laugh every
time I think about it.
- "Uptown Skunk."
- I'm just like, it's so funny.
- Oh, and did I tell you
that Disney is going to make
a animated movie about it?
And they're going to give
me a piece of the merch.
- Shut up.
- A piece of the merch.
I wonder if I could fit
these in my Lamborghini.
A Lambo?
Guess I have to put
them in my other Lambo.
- I forgot you have two.
- Come on.
- Come on.
- Hey, can I drive one?
- Nah.
- No, I know.
- I thought you were supposed to show me
that their lives were worse
without me, not better.
I have no control over that, Eddie.
I'm just trying to help
you appreciate them.
I don't think their lives
are better off without me.
- And I do appreciate them.
- No, Eddie, you don't.
You think they should all be like you.
But if you really appreciate them,
then I'll get my wings,
and you'll hear a bell.
Oh, and what happens if
you don't get your wings?
Then I'll go to hell.
And you'll hear this.
Oh, man.
That's a bummer. Okay.
Well, I hope I can help you out.
By the way, thank you for choosing
me to be my guardian angel.
No, I I didn't choose you, Eddie.
- You were randomly assigned.
- That's weird.
I feel like you'd be the kind
of guy that would choose me,
you know, a fellow Italian.
And probably a former
firefighter, am I right?
No, no, former travel agent from Ohio.
I'm actually a woman.
They just have me appear to you
in what's deemed an appealing form.
Is this what you look like as a woman?
No, actually, I
I looked like Uma Thurman. [CHUCKLES]
Well, honestly, I would find that to be
- a more appealing form.
- Can I see?
- No.
Come on. Give me a little taste.
Don't get weird. Come on.
- Let's keep going.
- Where are we going?
[LAUGHS] I love the whoosh.
- It's amazing.
- Okay, Eddie, observe.
How often do you do the whoosh?
- All the time?
- Eddie, please, observe.
Hey, just out of curiosity,
how far could you whoosh us?
Could you whoosh us across town?
- Eddie.
- Could you whoosh us anywhere?
[SIGHS] Okay.
Holy shit.
The waterfalls of Zihuatanejo!
- I always wanted to come here.
- It's on my bucket list.
- I know that.
And I can whoosh you anywhere.
Oh, that was awesome!
Zihuatanejo. Are you kidding me?
- Can we get on with this now?
- Yes.
- Yes.
- Whoops.
Here we go.
Yeah, call coming in in 3, 2
- Attention 24,
Rescue 42, a marijuana dispensary.
Structure fire. Respond
You did it again. That was the call.
- How'd he do that?
- Now hold on now.
It's going to be a false alarm.
- Station 24. False alarm.
Now reported as just
a lot of weed smoke.
[CHUCKLES] Ike, your psychic powers
never cease to amaze me.
Ike has psychic powers?
He does.
Because you weren't always
telling him he was dumb,
he didn't believe he was dumb.
And he exercised his brain muscles.
And now he can predict the future.
[SCOFFS] Son of a bitch.
Ike, I never understand why you don't
use your incredible gift to
make millions in the stock market.
[CHUCKLES] I knew you
were going to say that.
So, Granny, I have psychic abilities.
But I can't travel back in time
and change the value of stocks.
You understand?
[CHUCKLES] Psychic powers, yes.
But still, some some
trouble in other areas.
[CHUCKLES] Yeah, all right.
Well, so Ike is better off too.
Where's Mickleberry?
Ah, step this way.
- Why are we walking?
- Because we're not whooshing.
Oh, come on. Let's whoosh.
Dr. Mickleberry, tell me the story
of how you won the nobel prize.
Dr. Mickleberry?
I was a rookie firefighter in Tacoma.
One day, I was just
eating an onion bagel.
And suddenly, the inspiration hit me.
I realized how I could cure halitosis.
The onion bagel sparked
the cure for halitosis?
It did. Since you weren't
here to snatch that bagel
out of his hand, Mickleberry went on
to make the entire world a better place.
My absence eliminated halitosis
across the entire planet?
That seems like kind
of a wild coincidence.
Ah, boy. You are a tough
nut to crack there, Eddie boy.
Why can't you appreciate that
your crew has talents beyond you?
Maybe it's not me who's
dragging them down.
Maybe the new Captain just happens
to be a super cool, exciting guy
who brings out the best in everybody.
- Hey, Cap.
- Hey, guys.
- What's crackulating?
- There goes that theory.
- Granny, good to see you.
Hey, I cannot stop
listening to your music.
That song "Carpool Lane," oh, I love it.
- I only want to see you
driving in the carpool lane.
Carpool lane. Carpool lane.
It's brilliant. It's brilliant.
It's a parody. But
it's like its own song.
- You know what I mean?
- Thanks, Cap.
But you know I got newer
songs than that, right?
Oh, I know that.
I listen to the new stuff too.
Lou let the frogs out.
Croak. Croak. Croak. Croak.
[LAUGHTER] That's a great one.
You bring so much joy to me.
I don't know how you do it.
You take someone else's song,
you change the words a little bit,
and then you make it your own.
It's amazing.
You're better than Weird Al.
[LAUGHS] Oh, my God.
I'm going to I'm blushing.
You just can't see it.
You know who else loves your music?
- My son.
- His son?
'Sup, Dad.
Hey, guys.
Here's the reports you asked for.
Lukey, you never let me down.
Ah, thanks, Dad.
Lucy is Lukey?
Because Terry didn't have
to pull you out of the fire,
he never popped his
boy nut, and, therefore,
was able to sire the
son he always wanted.
That doesn't make sense.
The whole boy nut, girl nut thing
is based on Terry's
misunderstanding of human biology.
Yes, but because you
weren't here to debunk it,
his belief had a psychosomatic
effect on his own sperm.
I love having a son.
[LAUGHS] Oh, man.
I love being your son,
Dad. Hey, think fast.
Oh, Jesus! Okay, all right.
You're such a pussy, Dad.
The kid's kind of a douche, though, huh?
Yeah, a little bit.
Okay. So if Terry's the
captain, who's the chief?
Look alive, sausage party.

The chief is on deck.
- Dick tap.
- Oh, my balls!
I knew he was going to do that.
- He's a great kid.
So then I say, hey, I know
you're lactose intolerant.
Just don't milk it.
- Oh!
Gee, that is the funniest
story I've ever heard.
That's a dumb joke. That's not funny.
- Eddie.
- You know, I've been thinking
about the pickleball tournament.
What have we won? Like,
10 years in a row now?
- At least.
- Maybe we need to handicap ourselves,
tie our shoelaces together.
Oh, like, tie my shoelaces together?
Or tie my shoelaces to your shoelaces?
[LAUGHS] I hadn't even
thought about that.
- I love it. Hysterical.
You just bought yourself
two more vacation days.
- Thank you, Chief.
- Where's the sniveling,
snarky pain in the ass Wolf Boykins?
- Is this Wolf cool?
- Yes, Eddie.
Because you never tormented
him at the academy,
Wolf developed into a really
charming and confident guy.
He also parts his hair on the other side
and has chosen to stay uncircumcised.
Don't ask me why.
Okay, yes,
I foreskin-shamed him once or twice.
17 times.
Okay. But how did he become chief?
Hey, guys.
[CHUCKLES] Well, at least
Vicky is still with Terry.
Oh, hey.
There she is.
Sweeter than a Georgia peach.
Oh, come here.
What? No.
Yep, without you here to set
your sister up with Terry,
she and Wolf fell in love.
Oh, my God. It's disgusting.
- Hey, Vicky.
- Hey, Tommy.
It's actually Terry.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
That's right. I knew that.
People say that all the time, so
Of course, once she married Wolf,
Commissioner Penisi fast-tracked
him into the chief spot.
Oh, yeah, that figures.
Same as Terry.
- Did you guys hear something?
- What's that, Cap?
- What do you mean?
I felt a cold shiver in the room.
- Did you feel that?
- Oh, that's us.
- Okay.
- We haunted him.
- Shh.
- Oh, hey, Ms. Boykins.
- Good to see you.
- Hey.
Hey, Chief. Here's the
reports you asked for.
- Lukey!
- Hey, Dad!
- Who is Lukey McConky's mom?
Oh, Terry met a very nice woman
at his bagpipe class named Orla.
Ugh, "Orla."
You know, I don't think any of
these people are better off without me.
Well, it all depends who you ask.
- They are all very happy.
- Okay. Well, you know what?
I've had enough. I'm ready to go back.
Not quite yet. There's more.
Hey, Mom. Hey, Dad.
Someone call for the she wolf? [HOWLS]
- [LAUGHS] I love her so much.
- So proud.
Vicky and Wolf have a Lucy too?
- They do.
- And she's a local cop?
- And not a very good one.
- Think fast, McDorky.
I got the turkey and
the giblets on that one.
And she's a tool.
Hey, Lukey, drinks tonight?
- You know it, girl.
- Are they hooking up?
- Of course.
Lucy is definitely not
better off in either form.
Well, it's not an exact science.
Okay. Well, I've seen enough.
- Please, no more.
- You're sure?
Yeah, I'm sure. I am sure.
Please, I want to go
back. I can't handle this.
- Please, I want to go back.
Yeah, Mom! Get some!
Eddie, remember,
you have to appreciate
the people in your crew.
I do. I do. I want to go back, though.
Hit that chip, boss.
- You sure?
- Yes, I'm very sure.
No, no, no, are you sure, Eddie?
- Very sure.
- You're sure?
- I'm super sure.
- Super sure?
- Super sure.
- Say it.
- I'm super sure.
- Say it one more time.
- I'm super sure.
- One more time.
Lawrence, please!
- Yeah!
- Oh.
- Hey, buddy.
- There's the sleepyhead.
- Boop.
- Hello. [LAUGHS]
- He's there.
- There he is.
- Let's wake up. You okay?
- Boop. Boop.
- There he is.
Let's sit him up. There you go.
- Easy, Cap.
Easy, man. You bumped your old noggin.
- Yep.
- We were really worried about you.
- Yeah.
- You all right?
I'm back.
I think.
- Oop, oops, oops.
- Oh, oh.
Hey, Cap, Cap. Still at work, pal.
- Don't do that.
- Yes!
Oh, only one testicle,
one beautiful testicle.
- What are you doing? Hey, stop it!
- Oh, there's that one beautiful nut.
- Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, what are you doing?
- Yes! Oh, I could just
kiss you, you little nut, ooh.
At least buy a guy a
meatball sub first, huh?
I just had the most horrible dream.
I dreamt that an angel named Lawrence
showed me what life was
like if I was never born.
And you were there, Granny.
And you were there, Vicky.
And you were there,
Terry. And you were there.
And so were you,
Mickleberry. You were there.
And, Ike, you were there too.
- Sure, pal.
But you were all better off without me.
Granny, you were a
- recording artist.
- People still buy albums?
And, Mickleberry, you cured halitosis.
What's halitosis?
And, Ike, you had psychic powers.
Oh, man, it would be so much
cooler if I could read minds.
But that's still cool.
- Oh, and, Terry, you had a son.
- A son?
But it was just a boy version of Lucy.
- Dad!
- Oh, and, Vicky,
you were married to Wolf Boykins.
Yeah, I know. Tell me about it.
I'll never be able to unsee that.
But you had a wolf version of Lucy.
- There were two of me?
- Yeah.
And you were hooking up with yourself.
- That tracks.
- It was an incredible journey,
where I learned that you all
weren't taking me for granted.
It's me that's been taking
all of you for granted.
- Hm.
- Aww.
Granny, I will encourage
your parody songs from now on.
You know, it reminds me.
I just came up with
a parody jingle for fizzle fruit.
It's called "Fruit 66." listen.
- But it's a play on "Route 66."
That's awesome, which is originally
a "Weird Al" Yankovic song, "Route 66."
No, that Ike, that's not
Uh, yeah, it is.
Look it up, cap. [CHUCKLES]
Ike, it I'm not going to
Eddie, you need to
appreciate your group.
Appreciate your group!
I do. I do.
I appreciate them. I really do. I do.
- Who are you talking to, Eddie?
- No one.
Hey, I want to make
breakfast for everyone.
Who's in the mood for some Eggs Penisi?
- There you go. There you go.
- Yeah!
- Me!
- Hey, I'll take some.
Hey, who put all this
crap back in the fridge?
I did. I "barely" had
time to restock it.
- Good one.
[LAUGHS] Okay. That's fine.
That's fine. You know,
I can work with this.
I'm sure there are
some eggs in here, huh?
Let me take a look.
Son of a bitch.
Oh, God.
Appreciate your crew.
Appreciate your crew!
You know what? Fuck that shit.
Granny, "Fruit 66" is a
stupid idea for a song.
And, Ike, "Route 66" was written
about 20 years before Weird
Al Yankovic was even born.
I didn't even say that.
And I thought I told
you guys to get rid of
all this fruity seltzer water!
Cap, Cap, what about the angel?
- Remember?
- There is no angel.
Like, the whole thing was a bad dream.
- Okay.
- You get it?
- Yeah, I get it.
- A dream.
Fuck you, Eddie Penisi!
Eh, what are you going to do?
Mickleberry, clean the stuff up.
High-five, bro. Best of friends.
I'm looking at it.
I'm giving it to you.
- A pickle.
- Nope.
- Cucumber.
- No. Pickle and cucumber are the same thing.
- Sadness.
- No, no, they're all shapes.
- Yes, I said sandwich.
- No.
Did you think I said something else?
Concentrate. Press your temples harder.
- An armadillo with a bow tie.
- No, no, no, no.
- A bow tie, I said.
- You know what? It's not.
I don't think you're
concentrating because
I have to concentrate on you.
Then you concentrate on me, right?
Let's just take a few
minutes. Take five.
I don't think this is working right now.
Delivery for captain Eddie Penisi.
Ooh, that's me. Ha, ha, ha, free stuff.
Hmm. Wonder what it could be.
Don't look at those cards. Don't peek.
I'm not going to. I never have.
- I'm looking at you.
- I know.
- I can see you.
- Here we go.
Thank you.
[LAUGHS] Flavored seltzer water.
How did you know?
- Gotcha.
- Oh, yeah.
- I suppose I deserve that.
And just to show you
that I can take a joke,
I'm going to drink some of
this crap you guys like so much.
Dig in, Cap. You're going to love it.
- There you go.
- Mm-hmm.
Mm. Mmm.
[SIGHS] With the mere
mention of raspberry sriracha.
It's a hell of a new
flavor, don't you think?
I got you a lifetime supply.
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