Tacoma FD (2019) s04e10 Episode Script

Firefighters Only

You can't get out of work on Saturday?
It's my sister's wedding!
I already told you, babe,
fires don't take the weekends off.
Well, you can take forever off.
Wait, wait, you don't understand!
Oh, man.
You said we'd go kayaking together.
They're class five rapids.
It seems pretty dangerous.
Try running into a burning building.
No way.
You know, it's tough out
there for a guy like me.
Normal people cannot
relate to the dangers,
rigors, and schedule of
the firefighting lifestyle.
For first responders,
finding love can be trickier
than navigating a
stairwell in dense smoke.
Whoa. [GROANS] What the heck?
Hey, you got your axe in my med bag.
No way. You got
your med bag in my axe.
Two great things that go great together.
BOTH: Hey, maybe we should date.
Done with the dating game? ♪
Tired of being lonely and lame? ♪
Meet your ultimate flame, hey ♪
On firefighters only ♪
Firefighters only.
If you fight fires,
come meet your match.
- That was awesome.
- So good.
- Impressive.
- Yeah.
- "Meet your match." so clever.
- Ah, thanks. Yeah.
Then it was like and
then we light the match?
- Did you get that part?
- Great job, Ike.
Thanks, Chief. Oh, and thank you so much
for letting us shoot it
here. Made a big difference.
- Man, you're really into this.
- Oh, yeah.
Well, I'm not only a client, Luce.
I also invested all my money in it.
- All your money?
Yeah, yeah well, I
mean, whatever was left over
after the station fire and the whole
dark web hack and all that.
But, I mean, come on,
guys. It's a no-brainer.
A firefighters only dating site?
- What could possibly go wrong?
- Absolutely nothing.
- Absolutely nothing.
- Nothing.
- It's money in the bank!

Well, I'm hot-blooded ♪
Check it and see ♪
I got a fever of 103 ♪
I'm hot-blooded ♪
You did a great job acting.
- I don't know. Thanks.
I just kept telling myself,
"Imagine you're a firefighter
and just act it," you know?
Hey, how much money
have you invested so far?
Ah, just, like, 3 grand.
Damn, that's a lot of Benjamins.
Ike, these startups often crash.
Um, great question, probie.
Uh, with great risk comes great reward.
That's why I'm glad we've secured
a generous line of adventure capital.
I think it's a great idea.
Most of the guys I meet
are intimidated by my job.
That's what I'm saying.
That's why you should sign up.
I can give you guys the
friends and family discount.
Anybody who wants it.
Basic probie package is 59.99,
but I might be able to work
a little deal in if you're interested.
No thank you, Ike. I have a policy.
- Never shit where you eat.
- You do that all the time.
Yeah, I do, but I'm
not going to anymore.
Well, cats actually shit
where they eat all the time.
It's good for their immune systems.
Heard it on Joe Rogan this morning.
Oh, okay, so it's probably true.
- What about you, Granny?
- I wish you the best,
but I don't like dating apps.
I like to meet people
the old-fashioned way.
Your mom arranges your dates too?
No, I talk to people and I go places.
- It's as simple as that.
- No, no, Granny.
You're missing the
point. The app predicts
which firefighters you're
most compatible with.
It knows everything.
How many lives you save.
What your 40-yard ladder dash time is.
Bicep size. Other bicep
size. Bing, bong, bong.
What about helmet size?
They must do helmet size.
You know, it is a sign of dominance.
Oh, boy. Probie, Chief is very proud
of the fact that he has the
biggest head in the station.
Well, it is one of the
reasons why I'm chief.
And now he's gonna tell
us about "Braveheart."
You know, legend has it
William Wallace had
a double thick skull.
That's how he survived
all those blows in battle.
I love when you compare
yourself to medieval heroes.
Big heads have bigger brains.
That's why all the greats had big heads.
Einstein, Mozart, Shatner.
- It's a blessing.
- Shatner?
Sometimes your big head can be a burden.
- Hey, new sunglasses?
- Yeah.
They look pretty cool.
[GASPS] Sorry.
My giorgio lemon Guccis!
Hey, what are you listening to?
- What? Hey, hey.
- Oh.
- What?
- Sorry.
Hey, you broke my thumps by Dr. Ray!
Hey, can I borrow your
turtleneck sweater?
No, that's my favorite
turtleneck sweater.
- Hey, you're tearing it.
You're tearing it.
- Can I have it back now?
Great. You killed it.
Sounds like my big
head's a burden for you.
Yeah, well, don't go getting
a big head about your big head.
All right, well, I have to go
take care of some chief things
because I'm the big head honcho.
- Hmm. Carry on.
- You know who's got
a huge head is the
owner of panino's, Gino.
Oh, my gosh. So does his son, Dino.
He's doing time at Chino.
You ever been to Reno?
Oh, yeah.
Do it the other way. Not landscape.
Yeah. There we go.
Makes me look longer and taller.
Yeah, something's not right.
What if I just look off to the side?
How do you feel about losing the top?
- Ike!
- Oh, my God, no, no, no!
Not your not your top.
The top on the water bottle, Luce.
Let's just use the one of me and
the jaws of life. That one was better.
Actually, that's a pretty good idea.
You're also gonna need a
catchy profile headline.
"Hi. I'm Lucy. I like walks."
No, you're not a nomad.
No, it's gotta really pop, like, um
"I max out with my axe
out," or "light my fire."
Those two are taken already.
"Your turnouts are my turn-ons."
Huh? Huh?
- Yes. Did you make that up?
- Yes.
You know,
the time that it took
to work on this profile,
you could've just met someone in person.
- Where?
- Yeah, where?
- The library.
- The library?
Who goes to the library?
I like guys who can pay for books.
- Yeah. Come on, bro.
You should just sign up too, Granny.
We'll help you make the profile.
- Yeah.
- I don't need to.
Before our next shift, I'll swing
by the grocery store,
the gym, the corner bar,
and I bet that I will
score several phone numbers.
- Sounds like too much travel.
- Yeah, that's a lot of places.
- Hey, I got an idea.
- All right.
Hey, can you give me
a bit of room, please?
- Thanks.
- Oh, yeah, no. Um

Which way to the fire?
Yes, that is amazing.
Mickleberry! Get in here.
Mickleberry, I'm recruiting you
for top secret station business.
- Oh, you can count on me, Cap.
- Good, good.
'Cause you and I are
gonna gaslight the chief
into thinking that your
head is bigger than his.
- But it's not.
- Thus the prank.
See, Terry thinks his big head
makes him better than everyone else,
- so he needs a comeuppance.
- But he's the chief.
Terry is a lion who
believes he's the alpha
because he was born
with the biggest head.
But what does every
alpha lion fear the most?
- Climate change.
- No.
He fears a younger, bigger-headed lion
coming along and taking over the pride.
- But why me?
- 'Cause every young lion
needs to learn from the
wiser, great-looking lion
with the excellent mane the ita-lion.
As the captain, I'm gonna
teach you the fine art
of firefighter prankery,
and the chief is our mark.
- Are you in?
- If you say so.
Okay, good. Why don't you go make me
a nice, piping hot
"cappuccin" with extra foam?
Right away.
Hey, I'm feeling pretty good about it.
- Gotta be happy.
- Pretty good.
Hey, hey, hey. Guess what?
- We hit 1,000 users today.
- Hey-yo!
And to celebrate, I brought each of you
a firefighters only
inflatable love seat.
Well, you can make that 1,001
because my profile just went live today.
What? Nice, Luce. Nice going.
Living your best life. "Gangnam style."
[LAUGHS] What about you, Granny?
How did the old "meeting
someone in person" go?
- Okay, I struck out.
- Well, that's okay.
Grocery store's full
of instacart shoppers,
the gym people are at
home riding pedaltons,
and everyone at the bar
is waiting on tinder dates.
Well, don't want to say
I told you so, but
- Oh!
- I just got my first match.
- Hey, there you go.
- Hey, Brad from Lakewood FD.
Ooh, engineer Theo. What's good?
Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Slow down. I'm sorry.
Granny, are you seeing
what's happening right now?
[LAUGHS] I mean, man,
what are you doing?
You gotta get on board, baby.
- Okay, I'm in.
- Yay!
- Ah, yes.
You are not gonna regret it, man.
- Yes.
- Let's go blow those babies up.
- Yeah!
- Whoo-hoo!
- Come on, man.
Those are free, by the way. Free.
Great work, Mickleberry.
Hey, how's the inventory?
Terry, you want to hear something crazy?
I was measuring Mickleberry
for his new helmet,
And his hat size is 8 1/4.
- 8 1/4?
- 8 1/4.
- I'm 8.
- 8 1/4.
There's no way that peanut
head's bigger than mine.
That's what I said. There's no way
that the probie's head is bigger
than the chief's, yet it is.
I could fit his head in my pocket!
You know what?
Let me see something here.
All right.
There you go. Okay. Okay.
- Size eight, right?
- Eight, yeah.
Mickleberry, get over here one second.
Oh, brother.
Oh, what's up, Cap?
[SCOFFS] 8 1/4.
Hey, Mickleberry, do me a favor.
Try on the Chief's helmet for a sec.
- [CHUCKLES] Whoa.
- There's no way.
Wait. Hold on a second
here. I mean, come on, right?
Your head is huge, brother.
It's deceptive.
My mom always told me
I was cranially endowed.
Okay, well, hat size has
nothing to do with head size, you know?
It's like how every coffee cup size
fits in the same cardboard sleeve.
- You know what I mean?
- Yeah, you're right.
You're totally right.
That's a great metaphor.
- Yeah.
- Still, though,
We should have a proper head measure.
You versus Mickleberry.
Tell you what, I'll
put the test together.
We'll run the gamut.
Okay, Mickleberry,
I'm gonna show you who's the boss.
[LAUGHS] Head size-wise!
[LAUGHS] Good one.
Kick his ass, Chiefy.
Uh, this makes me nervous.
No, no, no, no. You're okay.
You're with me now.
- Game on.
- Game on, Eddie.
No, no. It's captain, okay?
Go finish that mopping.
Yes, Cap.
What are you so giddy about?
I met someone finally
On firefighters only.
Seriously? Tell me.
Her name's Autumn.
She works in Felton County,
and she's amazing.
Amazing like
Well, we haven't met in person,
but our texts are very
hot and she's into me.
Well, good luck, man. I will say,
dating firefighters can
be a little exhausting.
Over the last five dates,
I've gone bungee jumping,
jet skied, skydived, and
climbed mount rainier.
Wait, that's four.
I climbed mount rainier twice.
Oh, yeah. What's in the bags?
Overpriced leftovers.
I think I've singlehandedly
wiped out the Tacoma
branzino population.
- Wow.
Yeah. Yeah, you bet.
I'm gonna tell JP for sure.
Hey, did they like
the inflatable chairs?
[LAUGHS] Yeah. No, don't tell anyone.
Okay, all right, man. All right. Boop.
Whoa, check out Mr. Entrepreneur.
Our user growth is spiking.
Trust me, this time next month,
I'm gonna own half the
silicon in the valley.
I like that coat. You look
like Captain Americana.
Yeah, thanks. I know.
Whoo, baby! Not too shabby, right?
Custom-made by Bobby Hammer
down at Hammerhead's
Coats And Totes And Boots.
[CHUCKLES] It's pretty awesome.
Little pricey, but
worth it, as you can see.
It's like her ears are burning.
She just asked me about branzino.
Granny met a girl on your app,
and he's in love.
Great, man! Yeah!
Her name's Autumn.
Autumn? Oh.
Really, are you sure it's Autumn?
Hold on, I need to buy more credits
so I can continue this dm thread.
No, no, no, Granny,
don't use your own money to buy credits.
- Paid!
Best 10 bucks I've ever spent.
Ike, thank you, man.
Thank you for pushing
me to get on this app.
Best thing that's ever happened to me.
I didn't push you too much.
I mean, everybody has free will, so
Tired of being lonely? ♪
Join firefighters only ♪
Let's measure some
Mickleberry, you're about
to taste my dominance.
My childhood nickname was Charlie Brown.
- Is he a baseball player?
- Are you being a wise-ass?
- No.
- All right, come on.
Let's do this. Here we go.
First up, Terry McConky
measuring in at
24 inches on the nose.
Yeah! Bigger than I expected.
Take that, Mickleberry. [LAUGHS]
And the challenger,
Andres Mickleberry,
Measuring in at
25 inches on the nose.
What? That's impossible.
Let's weigh in!
Mickleberry, I'm gonna ruin you.
My friends call my
forehead an eight-head.
- I don't get it.
- You will.
Okay, and
19.2 pounds.
[LAUGHS] That's a big head.
And here we go.
Mickleberry, 22.1 pounds.
Are you kidding me? Next test.
The displaced water in each tank
will determine who has
the most total head volume.
- You ready, Chief?
- Yeah.
[NASALLY] Easter Island's
got nothing on me, bitch.
Yeah, Chiefy.
That felt heavy.
2 1/4 inches. Very impressive.
Let's see what you got, Mickleberry.
Go get him, probie. Hmm?
This isn't even gonna be close.
- There's no way he beats me.
- No way he beats you.
- No way!
- No way.
This is science. You know how much water
- I put out of that thing?
- Yeah, this is impossible.
Right, water displacement is science.
Yeah, your head is twice as big as his.
- That's a lot of water.
It is a lot.
He's down there for a long time.
[CHUCKLES] It's not
gonna matter, though.
- No, no, you got this.
- It's not gonna matter.
No, you got this.
Nice try, probie. Huh?
Oh, what's the matter?
- Too scared to talk?
[EXHALES] Okay. 4 inches.
For the winner of the head volume test,
the noggin' from
Copenhagen, Mickleberry.
- There's no way!
- On to the density test?
Forget it.
Congratulations, kid.
- Do we tell him now?
- What? No.
A good prank needs time to marinate.
He's upset, and I've got
a balloon in my stomach
like a drug mule.
Yeah, both things will pass.
- When do we tell him?
- When it's over.
- When is it over?
- When I say so.
Mop up this floor.
Oh, hey, Luce. Let me get your number.
I gotta put it in My new phone.
Ooh, look at you spending more money.
Hey, I think your app is my sweet spot.
- I can't even keep up.
- Yeah, no doubt.
You're, like, 10% of our female
users, so that makes sense.
- What was that?
- You're a commodity.
Firefighters are, like, 97% men,
so you're a unicorn. [CHUCKLES]
So you're saying I'm
valuable to your app.
Duh. Obviously. [CHUCKLES]
Hmm, it's interesting
'cause I was actually
thinking about getting out.
No! Are you serious?
Why? No. Don't leave.
Maybe you can make it
worth my while, Mr. Bling.
Okay. Like, how?
Oh, I don't know, I mean, that new phone
might be a nice place to
start sharing the wealth.
Oh, come on. Are you serious?
I am a valuable commodity.
The password's 6969.
Whoa, granny, where you going?
Albuquerque. Autumn cancelled our date
so she can go to some conference,
- so I'm gonna surprise her.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
That's happening very fast, my friend.
You think that's a good idea?
I have to meet her in person.
She's too good to be true.
Granny, can I talk to you for a second?
Um, you know how you said
Autumn is too good to be true?
- Yeah?
- That's because she is.
Autumn is an algorithm.
- What?
- Granny, I am so sorry, man.
Just given our male to
female firefighter ratio,
which is 97 to 3,
Autumn was created to
keep guys interested,
but only until they found
a good match, you see?
3% women?
What kind of dating app is that?
That is a terrible business model, Ike.
I upgraded myself to
the smoke show package!
- I'm out 200 bucks!
- I was upgrading you for free!
You weren't supposed to keep upgrading!
That's it.
I'm swiping left on this friendship.
Granny, come on.
Hey, thanks for the phone.
Cap, you should come see this.
Terry, the last time you were
in this chair, it collapsed.
Shh. I'm concentrating.
Inversion table? Brain puzzles?
Terry, are you trying to grow your head?
- No!
Fat grafting.
An experimental procedure
that can add two head sizes?
- Really, Terry?
- It's an early trial.
They actually pay you.
Come on. This is ridiculous.
You know what's ridiculous is a chief
with a smaller head than his probie.
Come on, let's get
you out of this chair.
Wait, wait, wait, go slow. Go slow.
Don't spin it.
Whoa! Whoa!
- Oh, oh, geez.
- Oh, come on.
- Here, Terry.
- Come on. Come here.
- All right. Okay.
- Oh, boy.
- I got you. I got you.
- I don't think any of this
is gonna make your head any bigger.
- God, you're a mess.
- Damn, what happened
- to the chair?
- Chief destroyed it
- with the weight of his body.
- Easy, Mr. Big Head.
I got the salt and spoon you asked for.
- Oh, great. Thanks.
- What do you need that for?
I read that sodium induces bloating.
Bottoms up.
No, Chief, don't!
That's not good for you.
Is a life without a big
head a life worth living?
- Box alarm, Engine 24,
Rescue 42, structure fire.
Ta-Cona Ice Cream.
I don't think I should
be alone right now.
I guess I'll go on the call too.
I did not think he was
gonna try to grow his head.
This is fantastic.
He was about to eat pure salt.
- Pure salt!
- It's awesome.
- It's over.
- Not yet.
It is not over yet.
Now, quit dicking around.
There's a structure fire. Go!
Go, go, go! Go!
All right, well,
Engine 12's on it.
Fire's out.
The owner gave me the scoop.
- The scoop.
- Yeah, all right.
- Scoop.
No need to soft serve it, Chief.
- We should just split.
I'm gonna go sit in my truck.
Oh, man. Wow.
Chief never misses puns.
- He's crushed.
- Yeah.
- It's over now, right?
- Oh, no. Not yet.
Oh, shit. I dated that guy.
Forearm Phil, Station 17?
- And the guy behind him.
- Lucy.
And a couple of guys from Station 11.
- Damn, girl.
- I know.
Well, well, well, if it isn't Lucy
- Oh.
- I purposefully left
my new crampons in your car,
and you didn't call me back.
They were from REI.
I don't know if I can even
be on the same call as you.
- Me either.
- Ooh.
I guess this is the whole
"shitting where you eat" part.
- Mm-hmm.
- Well, thanks for the branzino, guys.
Hey, look, it's the stripper
dude who owns the app.
Oh, me? Oh, no, no, no. [LAUGHS]
No, I don't own the app. No, no, no.
I'm the face of it 'cause
I have high cheekbones and
Your app sucks, bro.
I upgraded to the smolder women package,
and it only gave me
one cougar paramedic.
Yeah, I spent 300 bucks
talking to some Autumn chick,
- and we never met.
- That's weird.
- I want my money back.
- Yeah, me too.
My wife's gonna kill me.
Whoa, guys, uh Oh!
I'm on the pump. What am I doing?
ALL: Screw you, asshole!
I'm gonna tell them back at corporate.
They are assholes,
and I'm sick of it too!
Hey, you got a bandage?
I nicked my hand.
Yeah. Yeah, no problem. Let me see.
Oh, man. So much for your manicure.
I'll get over it. I'm more worried about
- my guitar career.
- You play?
- A little.
- Me too.
We should play together sometime.
All the guys in my
station have been using
- that firefighter dating app.
- Oh, God.
I miss the days when you
used to hang out with someone
in person, like, at the gym
or the grocery store or
- BOTH: The library.
We should definitely get
together and jam sometime.
Hey, Granny, I can ride back with you.
- Just give me sec?
- Sure thing.
- Okay, cool.
- You work with her?
Oh, yeah. That's just Lucy.
She's hot. Introduce me, would ya?
- Sure thing.
- Thanks.
Fuck you, Ike!
Ah, I can't find my helmet.
Here, wear mine. Yeah, it's fine.
I'm on the pump. Don't worry about it.
What the hell?
It's okay, Chief.
Probie forgot his helmet.
I told him he could use
mine. It's not a big deal.
Oh, it is a big deal.
- Mm-mm-mm.
You. You gaslighted me.
Is it gaslighted or gaslit?
- You son of a bitch.
- Hey, be happy.
You still have the biggest
head in the station.
And you.
You think you can prank the
chief and get away with it?
Mickleberry, I'm gonna make
your life a living hell.
You're gonna shine everything.
You're gonna scrub everything.
You're gonna be my bitch,
and when you're done,
you're gonna start all over again!
I'll see you back at the station!
[LAUGHS] He's pissed.
Okay, Mickleberry. Now it's over.
Why is it over now?
Well, because now I got Terry,
and I got you.
Hopefully, you've learned that a
probie should never prank a superior.
- Congratulations.
- What
And say hi to your mom for me.
You bastard.
What did you mean when you
said "say hi to your mom"?
- What?
- What did you mean,
"say hi to your mom"?
- Nothing.
- Did Cap fuck my mom?
Well, the app is officially dead,
and I'm officially broke again.
In fact, after refunding everybody,
- I'm down a couple of grand.
- Plus a jacket.
- Oh, man. Mm.
- And a phone.
- I'm not sad to see it go.
To be honest, I was kind of
getting firefighter fatigue.
All those guys just started blending
into one infinite moustache.
- I'm done with it.
- Sounds like they're done with you.
I don't think there's
a firefighter in town
- that'll work with you again.
- That's okay,
because all I need is you guys.
Hey, what's up, "risky business"?
Mickleberry, put my dry
cleaning in my office.
I don't want to see a wrinkle.
Put my mail where it belongs
and my bag where it belongs,
and get your gloves on
'cause you're scrubbing my toilets.
Never prank the chief, am I right?
You better watch yourself.
I'm gonna get you back someday.
You keep saying that, but you never do.
- I like the new shades, Chief.
- Thank you very much.
I got them special order
from plump head eyewear.
Extra wides for the
biggest head in the station.
- Let me see.
- Sure.
[CHUCKLES] For my girl.
Uh These are tight.
Head measuring contest.
ALL: Oh!
Come on.
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