Tacoma FD (2019) s04e09 Episode Script

Gone Dutch

Probie, beer me.
- I had the Hefeweizen.
- Yeah, I had the IPA.
Hey, you think he knows that
those valves are all hooked up
- to the same vat of beer?
Who cares? He's just a probie.
Watch the foam.
Who taught you how to pour beer?
- All right, I'm ready to go in.
- All right.
Probie, you are about to
take part in a unique odyssey
the likes of which you have never seen.
There will be laughs,
there will be tears,
- And there will be fights.
- And booze and song.
It's like Coachella,
Woodstock, and Lollapalooza
all mixed into one.
Probie, there ain't no party
like a firefighter's wake.
Yeah, let's go! Love you, Dutch!
Welcome to the jungle, probie.
- Buckle up.

Well, I'm hot blooded ♪
Check it and see ♪
I got a fever of a
hundred and three ♪
I'm hot blooded ♪

I guess I expected a firefighter's wake
- to be a more somber affair.
- Yeah!
The raucousness all depends
on how much you liked the guy.
And also on the seriousness
or stupidity of the cause of death.
- You know what I mean?
- I see.
But this'll be a rowdy one.
Ah, there you go.
Now, that's how you take a death photo.
That's a great pic!
Nice chin tilt, strong smile,
always present, never goofy.
That's why they called
him smilin' Dutch engles.
- Legend to the end.
- Cheap as hell though.
- So cheap.
- Oh.
- Cheapskate.
- Couldn't find his wallet.
Didn't have a wallet.
But how do you make
it 30 years on the job
only to die such a dumb way?
He goes his whole
career without a scratch,
and he tries stomping branches
down into a woodchipper
with both feet? Stupid.
- So dumb. So stupid.
- Stupid.
- Really dumb.
- What a dingbat.
May he rest in peace.
ALL: May he rest in peace.
- Amen.
Let's hit the bar. All
right, who needs one?
There he is, the old bastard. [CHUCKLES]
- He will be missed.
- Oof.
That woodchipper really
got the best of him, huh?
Classic cheapskate.
You know, I bet he got
half off on that casket.
- Come on.
- Too soon, too soon.
- You're right.
My friend, can I have two bourbon shots
and two more beers please?
Oh, you're starting strong, huh?
- This is a wake.
- True.
- I could use some food though.
- Hey.
- There's the kid.
- Thank you, Mickleberry.
- Sausage and peppers, huh?
- Oh.
Hey, a word of advice to you.
Watch out for the old timers.
The drunker they get,
the more they're gonna mess with you.
They can't be any rougher
on me than you guys.
Oh, please, you have no idea
how soft hazing has become
since we were probies.
Yeah, we used to have our asses kicked
every single day.
We had one lieutenant who was brutal.
This guy hazed everybody.
In fact, he went after
the chief all the time.
To this day, Terry's
still scared of the guy.
- Okay, that's ridiculous.
- Oh, is it?
Then how come your
voice goes up two octaves
at the mere mention
of the name McSwiggins?
[HIGH-PITCHED] You have no idea
- what you're talking about.
Okay, that was ages ago.
He's long gone, and I'm totally over it.
If I eat any more sausage
and pepper sandwiches,
I'll be long gone. You feel me?
Those old timers are gonna
chew you up and spit you out.
I'm afraid for you.
Eat some bread. It'll
soak up the alcohol.

- Tonight, I'm gonna do it.
- Do what?
I have always wanted to sing "Danny Boy"
- at a firefighter wake.
- By yourself?
What's that supposed to mean?
Your singing voice is better in a crowd.
Oh, my singing is great.
I'll put tears in
every eye in this place.
Tears of agony.
Why are you being so bitchy?
Listen, Dutch ran our fantasy
football league, right?
Granny won this year, but Dutch died
before he could pay him,
so granny's a little touchy.
- Isn't he?
- Look at him. Smilin' Dutch.
- Cheapskate even in death.
- Hey, come on, man.
Why don't you ask his widow for it?
Yeah, right.
Oh, Mrs. Engels, so sorry
to hear about your husband being mulch
from the waist down, but I was wondering
if you could, uh, pay that
1,000 bucks he owes me?
My ears are burning.
- Oh!
- Oh, Ms. Engels.
Ah, well, we were just
talking about old Dutchy.
Our condolences, by the
way. Such a great, great guy.
- Yeah, top of the line.
- Thank you so much.
Oh, and we love the photos too, yeah?
- Such good memories.
- Oh, yes.
Dutch had so many great
photos on his phone.
Some of the pictures
were not so appropriate
But that's a firefighter for you.
- Yeah.
Please enjoy yourselves.
Dutch would have wanted it that way.
- Thanks so much.
- All right.
- That's it!
- What? What?
She said the photos were
coming off Dutch's phone.
Did he have a cashmo account?
That's how we paid our entry fee.
We just have to snatch his phone,
and we'll get you your money.
- Steal his phone and sell it.
- No, Ike.
- No!
- Why would sell his phone?
I'm not selling his not What?

"As we remember Dutch,
I begin with the serenity prayer."
- Really?
- Okay.
You mind your own business, all right?
Are you gonna use the notecards too?
I'm just gathering my thoughts.
Maybe you should sit this one out.
Dutch was my friend and my mentor.
I know, and you're
good at a lot of things,
but giving toasts is not one of them.
No disrespect, but
your toasts tend to be
a little bit serious and kind of boring.
Well, not everyone wants
to hear Andrew Dice Clay
at their memorial service.
- I am legendary at these things
- Here we go.
I just happen to know the formula.
First you open with a dirty joke,
then you make fun of
somebody in the crowd,
Then you tell a pandering story,
and you land the whole thing
with a sentimental close
and you finish it all
off by getting everyone
in the room to drink.
It's not rocket surgery.
Well, that may work for you,
but there are plenty of people
in this room who appreciate
my toasting style.
- Keep telling yourself that.
- Hi, fellas.
Oh, Laura.
- How are you?
- Laura, come here, Laura.
Oh, thank you, honey.
Please accept our deepest condolences.
I appreciate that.
But honestly, what the
hell was Dutch doing
jumping in a woodchipper?
[LAUGHS] I know.
I told him he needed to hire someone
to mulch those branches, but
Well, at least he died
doing what he loved.
- Saving money.
God, please say that in your toast.
You are giving a toast, right?
Of course, I am. It's
the least I can do.
Laura, I've also prepared a toast.
That's so nice.
Um, but don't feel like
you have to, dearie.
- I mean
- Come on.
- You don't have to.
- It's the least I could do.
Um, so I If you guys will excuse me.
Of course.
Well, great to see you, Laura.
- She gets it.
She wants me to give a speech.
You're right, you're right. Absolutely.
You know what?
My toast is gonna be
the talk of the wake,
and when I give it,
you're gonna give me an apology.
- Sure.
- A dry, sincere apology.
- You got it.
These old dudes are rough.
Four of them tried to pants me
and stick cocktail franks in my ear.
That sounds about right.
And another one in a wheelchair
- punched me in the kidney.
- Did you say in the kidney?
- Yeah.
- There's only one guy I know
who loves giving donkey punches.
[LAUGHING] Well, well, well
If it isn't that little
chicken shit Toilet Terry.
[HIGH-PITCHED] McSwiggins.
What are you doing here?
I came to watch you
make your lame-ass toast.
Awesome. [CHUCKLES]

McSwiggins, I thought
you moved to Florida.
I did. That was two hip replacements
and three heart attacks ago.
But I wasn't gonna miss Dutch's wake.
Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.
All these years, you're still
a mealy-mouthed milquetoast.
And after all these years,
you're still a loudmouthed windbag.
Is that thing electric,
or does it run on hot air?
You still got it, penis eye.
Oh, penis eye. Here we go.
How is it you're just a captain,
and Toilet Terry's a chief?
Terry, you been sleeping with
Eddie's sister and his dad?
I'll bet Terry's big tummy is acting up
something fierce right now.
You know, back when
your chief was a probie,
and I use my quotation
marks mockingly
- Figured.
- Every call we got,
he had to take a nervous shit.
You'd be in a burning
building, break down a door,
only to find this guy
perched on the shitter.
That happened once.
- Maybe twice.
- Just once.
But that's how you got your nickname,
Toilet Terry.
Word of advice for you, meat.
Whatever order he gives
you, do the opposite.
Looking forward to your
sincere toast there,
Toilet Terry.
- Donkey punch!
- Oh, jeez.
- Oh, boy, okay.
- I'm going to the salad bar.
- Yeah, great.
- Donkey punch!
- Oh, God.
- Okay.
- One for the road, right?
- There you go.
That's great.
Hey, it's good seeing you, McSwiggins.

We need to switch Dutch's
phone out with another one
so the slideshow doesn't
stop. Ike, hand me your phone.
People are gonna notice
the switch, though,
don't you think?
We just need a distraction.
How about I sing "Danny Boy"?
That's not a distraction.
People love to stop
and look at a car crash.
What is that supposed to mean?
You know what it's supposed to mean.
- You can't sing.
- No, no.
It just means we need a different type
of distraction, that's all.
Fine, go, assholes.
To Dutch!
Yeah, to Dutch!
Now we just have to put in
every four-digit combo imaginable.
Ooh! Uh, 6-9-6-9.
Okay. No.
- D-I-C-k.
You know how to do the
letters for the numbers?
You guys, let's see if we can
get in using voice command.
- Oh, yeah, voice command.
- Ooh.
Hmm, uh, hey, this is Dutch.
Uh, Dutch Engels.
Yeah, this is my phone.
And, uh, please open the phone for me
- because my name is Dutch.
- Is that polish?
I thought Dutch was from Chicago.
Yeah, Chicago has the
highest concentration
of polish people in the U.S.
God, look it up, Lucy.
Open up the phone, won't ya?
Don't ya know? Lord-a-mercy.
- Ya got to legalize it!
- Try another one.
You gotta try 'em all. Who knows?
You never know.
Ike, why do you have so many
beefcake photos on your phone?
Ah, they're just for my portfolio.
Don't worry about it.
People won't notice it.
Uh, Dutch sure does have
a lot of beefcake photos
of Ike on his phone.
Dutch was a complicated man.
I tried not to ask questions.
You guys, this isn't working.
We need to use Dutch's
thumbprint to unlock it.
Ah, I wish Dutch was just here,
and we could just use his thumbprint
and get this over with.

Hey, Robertson, put your shirt on!
He looks like Austin Powers.
Go shave his back, Mickleberry.
- No, I don't want to.
- Hey, that's the chief.
You have to do what he says.
And get me a sausage and pepper sandwich
- while you're there.
- Oh, man.
I think it's time to do the toasts.
- You still in?
- Yeah, I'm in.
I will not be bullied into silence
by a 70-year-old man in a wheelchair.
- Right?
- Yeah.
Oh, do me a favor. Follow the formula.
It's simple: Dirty joke,
make fun of someone in the crowd,
pandering story, sentimental finish,
- everyone drinks.
- I have my own formula.
It's your funeral.
Actually, it's Dutch's funeral.
No, actually, it's Dutch's wake.
Go ahead and give a
toast. It'll be your wake.
Excuse me.
What the hell does he mean by that?
Excuse me, if I could just
have everyone's attention
for just a second.
Before all of you animals
polish off the free booze
- It's time to remember Dutch.
- To Dutch.
- To Dutch.
- To Dutch.
Laura, my deepest heartfelt condolences.
You lost your better half, but really,
you've lost Dutch's better half.
We all showered with the guy. We know.
Wait, Fensterman, why are you laughing?
We've showered with you too.
If Dutch taught us anything,
it's that life is short,
But so is Fensterman.

Oh, sweet Dutcharoo.
Dutch, why did they do it to you?
- Okay, hey.
[WHISPERS] Distraction.
[CLEARS THROAT] Oh, hey, hey, fellas,
Uh, it's 9:30. Honor
guard ended at 9:00.
Chief McConky told us
to tell you you can go.
Yeah, yeah, we'll get out
of your way so you can, uh
One story comes to mind when I think
about smilin' Dutch Engels,
The St. Patrick's day parade of 2002.
Dutch drank enough green beer
to kill a village of leprechauns.
- Get his finger
- I got it.
Here we go.
Come on, let's go.
- Come on, hurry up.
- What the
All the years I've known Dutch,
I didn't know he had a fake hand.
- What?
- Ugh.
Okay, I'll just Sorry, Dutch.
- Are you kidding me?
- Two fake hands?
You think you know a guy.
He clearly lost them in the accident.
I know, but I was like,
"that's that's crazy."
- What do we do know?
- Face ID.
- Brilliant.
- Yeah.
Yes, we gave Dutch
shit about being cheap,
but he passed that boot around every day
to raise money for
that children's hospital
in Holland, and the amazing thing is,
he wasn't even Dutch.
Here's to Dutch!
- ALL: To Dutch!
- Here's to Dutch.
To Dutch!
- Thank you.
- Yes, bravo, Eddie!
It ain't rocket surgery.
Guys, uncle Eddie's done.
People are gonna start
trickling in here soon.
I'm gonna go out there
and sing "Danny Boy"
and distract 'em.
- No!
- Stop.
- You don't gotta do that.
- Please don't do that.
- Yeah, that's fine.
- Hurry up then.
- All right.
- Come on, Granny.
It's not working. Oh, make him smile.
Of course, smilin' Dutch. Yes.

All right, Dutchman.
Smile, you son of a bitch.

Come on, man, bigger.
- This is as big as it goes.
- Make him stretch out.
He's dead.

We're going to hell for
this. You know that, right?

- Damn you, Dutch!
We just wanted to see
him smile one last time!
That's all. Five minutes.
We need five minutes
alone. I'm so sorry.
He had no hands!
Take it from a sad,
old guy in a wheelchair,
Dutch was larger than life.
To Dutch, a man who
never half-assed anything
Until now.
To Dutch!
- To Dutch!
- To Dutch.
Wow, he just pulled off the joke finish
on top of a wheelchair sympathy beat.
That's called a treacle-cutter.
Upper level stuff.
I think you might want to wait a while.
You don't want to follow that terry.
- Really?
- Let's get another beer.
- Okay.
- And now,
if any of you need to hit the john,
this is a good time
'cause I'm about to turn it over
to the worst toast giver
in the history of the TFD.
Toilet Terry McConky!
All right, Terry McCconky. Whoo!
Thank you, everyone, thank you.
Yeah, yeah, whoo!
Good luck following me, Toilet Boy.
Okay. That's great.
- Thank you.
- He loves that.
Thank you, buddy McSwiggins.
"Webster's Dictionary"
defines the word hero
as any person of great
strength or courage.
Who needs one? On me!
Keep keep going.
- I'm just gonna run to
- But I
- I was just
- I'll be right back.
But seriously
[CLEARS THROAT] We all loved Dutch
Very mulch [CHUCKLES]
I mean much. I meant much.
Oh, whoa, did you just do a mulch joke
about a man who died in a woodchipper?
Real class act, McConky.
Hold on a second. Okay, wait.
All right. [CHUCKLES]
- Abraham Lincoln once said
"If a man is late for his own party"
- Fuck this.
- Oh, there he goes.
- Toilet Terry!
Terry, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Terry, if you slink off right now,
- you will never live this down.
- I'm not slinking off.
I gotta go.
Vicky wants me to pick up some avocados.
Forget about that toast.
You did it. It sucked.
I told you it would, but
now you gotta stand up
- to that guy once and for all.
- Hey, Chief.
I really enjoyed your toast.
It seemed very sincere.
I hope that guy didn't upset you.
Now I heard everything.
You got the probie caring
about your feelings?
Now you're teaching the next generation
of firefighters to be a bunch
of soy boy beta cucks like you.
Come here, probie.
Let me give you a
little donkey punch, huh?
- Leave him alone, McSwiggins.
- You know what?
He might be softer than
you, Toilet Terry, huh?
Leave him alone!
Oh, the hell are you gonna do about it?
Don't make me kick your
ass from this chair.
- Oh!
Give it your best shot, asshole.
Whoa, whoa, when I said
stand up to the guy,
I didn't mean sucker punch
an old man in a wheelchair.
This might not be the
flex you're looking for.
Oh, oh!
Who the hell you calling
an old man, penis eye?
- Game on!
We need another distraction.
Guys, come quick, Chief is fighting
that old timer in the wheelchair.
- Oh, yes.
- Wait, this is our chance.
No, we gotta go watch that fight.
This is a firefighter's wake.
That's just the first
fight of the night.
- True.
- Yeah, you're right, okay.
Hey, let's try facial recognition again.
Man, I don't think I can make his smile
any bigger than I did last time.
What about the eyes? Maybe
we gotta see the eyes.
- Yes, thank you.
- Okay.

What on Earth? What are you doing?
Paying our last
respects, saying goodbye.
You're the young man
in all those racy photos
- on Dutch's phone.
- Uh, yes, ma'am.
Eh, I learned a long time
ago to not ask questions
about what firefighters do, so shh.
- Sorry for your loss.
- So sorry.
- Let's see those eyes.
- Peek-a-boo, Dutcharoo.
[SCREAMS] Oh, God.
Okay, that is it!
It's not worth 1,000 bucks
to have these nightmares
for the rest of my life.
Yeah, let's go watch Dad
fight the guy in the wheelchair.
- Yeah, okay.
- Oh!

Come on, big boy.
- Oh.
- Whoa!
Oh, knocked him on his ass, Terry.
- Hard to feel good about that.
- Give me a beer.

You had enough yet, Toilet Terry?
Somewhere up there,
smilin' Dutch ain't smiling.
- If he was here now
- Oh!
If Dutch was here right
now, the first thing he'd do
is get you a fresh colostomy bag
'cause you're full of shit!
Not bad. Kind of a dirty joke.
- I don't shit in no bag.
- That's it.
- What?
Holy sheep shit.
Chief slapped him so
hard his legs work again.
- You were full of shit.
- So what?
My wheelchair sympathy
was great for the toast,
but I'm gonna throw that
away so I can kick your ass.
Fensterman, once again,
you're the shortest guy in the room.
Okay, he's doing it.
Dirty joke, then zing
somebody in the crowd.
McSwiggins, I'm not gonna
let you ruin Dutch's day.
When I was a probie
and you used to ride me,
he would tell me not to listen to you
because you were a bully,
and bullies aren't worth the effort.
- Oh!
- Yeah, Chief!
Nice one, Chiefy.
He also told me I was a good firefighter
and that one day, I
could be a great chief.
He believed in me,
which makes him a better man than you.
Pandering story, very nice.
- Oh!
And that's why Dutch deserves
to be praised here tonight.
Donkey punch!
- Donkey punch!
So let's all raise a glass
- To Dutch!
- To Dutch!
Sentimental finish, everyone drinks.
Wow, Terry, that may have been
the most legendary wake toast
of all time.
You hit all the points
all while kicking the ass
of a senior citizen who was
faking being in a wheelchair.
- Well done.
- Thank you.
But now we gotta get this
wake back on the rails.
[OFF PITCH] Oh, Danny boy ♪
The pipes, the pipes are calling ♪
[TOGETHER] From Glen to Glen ♪
And down the mountainside ♪
For summer's gone ♪
And all the roses dying ♪
'Tis you, 'tis you ♪
Must go and I must bide ♪
And I'll be here ♪
In sunshine or in shadow ♪
Oh, Danny boy, oh, Danny boy ♪
I love you so ♪
- To Dutch!
- To Dutch!
Tell you what, it was a
hell of a speech, McConky.
Thank you very much, Mr. McSwiggins.
And thank you for being my punching bag.
It was my pleasure. [LAUGHS]
I'll tell you what, your speech
was a hell of a lot better
- than Penisi's toast.
- Be careful, McSwiggins.
I'll put you in that
wheelchair for real.
Hey, you know what? Here's to Dutch!
- Hey, Dutch!
- To Dutch!
I guess we oughta switch
ike and Dutch's phones back.
No point in keeping a
phone that I can't unlock.
Holy shit! You guys.
What the hell?
- Of course.
Why didn't we think of
the death photo before?
Oh, my gosh. Open up the Cashmo, bro.
- I'm trying to find it.
- Oh, put it away, put it away.
- Granny.
- Oh!
I almost forgot, I have the cash you won
in the fantasy football pool.
Dutch may have been cheap,
but he always honored people's winnings.
Laura, girl, that thousand bucks
- barely crossed my mind, right?
- Yeah.
He wasn't saying anything about it.
- We were like
- He never brought it up.
Dutch actually had
the cash in his pocket
When he lost the battle
with the woodchipper.
- What the hell?
- He was such a good man.
Is that the whole thousand dollars?
It's all of it.
Uh, you know what?
I wouldn't feel right taking that.
You keep it, Laura.
Oh, by the way, here's Dutch's phone.
I didn't want it to get
lost after the slideshow.
Thanks, Granny, that is so sweet of you.
Of course.
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