Tacoma FD (2019) s04e08 Episode Script

Chicken Fight

This thing sucks.
- What?
- Because it doesn't suck.
Well, you're doing it wrong, probie.
You want me to show you?
- No, I got it.
- All right.

I think it's broken.
Try blowing into it.
Sometimes that clears it out.

Harder than that.
Harder. There you go.
Come on, that's it.
All right.


- Oh, my god!
- Hell yeah.
Oh, my god.
Ha, ha, ha, another great
prank pulled on the probie.
Aw, don't worry, Mickleberry.
One day, you'll be a probie no longer.
Until then, your life's gonna suck.
I think it yanked a filling.

Well, I'm hot-blooded ♪
Check it and see ♪
I got a fever of 103 ♪
I'm hot-blooded ♪
All right, final piece of business.
None of you have responded
to the McConky family
barbecue this weekend.
I went to a lot of trouble
sending out an e-vitation.
- It's e-vite, Chief.
- That's what I said, e-vitation.
Oh, so close. Just drop the "-ation."
[SIGHS] Okay.
Nobody has responded except the probie.
Proud to be your first responder.
- Oh, my god.
- Oh, god, shut up.
Chief, of course we're
coming to the party.
- We come every year.
- Wouldn't miss it for the world.
Well, then respond to
the I-vite, and no maybes.
Vicky needs an accurate head count,
and I need to know how
much chicken to buy.
Probie, you like chicken?
- I sure do.
- You're in luck.
At this party, I make
Terry's world-famous chicken
on the grill. [LAUGHS]
- Everyone, tell him how good it is.
- This man can grill chicken.
It's probably the
best part of the party.
It is so popular that this year,
I'm gonna double the order.
Note to self. [LAUGHS]
All right, have a good day, everyone.
Yeah, yeah, I'm looking
forward to it, Chiefy.
Are you guys going to the party?
Of course we're going.
It's a great party.
Yeah, you got to see Chief once
he gets a couple of beers in him.
He really lets his
hair down. It's awesome.
And if you compliment
his chicken enough,
he starts to pda with Vicky.
Yeah, that part's weird for me.
That's great. I'm excited
for a station social event,
- away from all the hazing.
- Oh, you're gonna love it.
The only thing that
sucks about the party
is Terry's world-famous chicken.
But you just said it was great.
We lied. It's terrible.
Yeah, it's drier than a mummy's dong.
It's drier than a popcorn fart.
It's dry. It's, like, drier than,
like, a beach towel.
Yeah. Other than that,
it's a fantastic party.
Why don't you just
tell him the truth about
the chicken instead of leading him on?
Goodness gracious,
where's your heart, man?
Yeah? Why don't we give him
a paper cut across the face
and imprison his firstborn child?
You haven't seen Terry
in action at the grill,
the preening, the cocksuredness,
the sense of fulfillment.
If we were to tell him
that his chicken was drier
than a camel's crotch in a sandstorm,
It would devastate him.
So we endure the chicken and
we compliment him, and so will you.
Well, it can't be that bad.
And if the rest of the
party is great, who cares?
I just might have seconds.
Ha, ha, there you go, probie.
And because you're
gonna be off the clock,
we promise to take it easy on you.
No hazing. How does that sound?
Like a dream come true.
This is gonna be the
best barbecue of my life.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Honey, what are you doing?
Putting out towels for the guests.
No, no. That's the indoor linen.
The blue towels,
that's the indoor linen.
Yeah, these are nice towels.
Yeah, too nice. The beach
towels are for the pool party.
The soft, plush, indoor
towels are for my bathroom.
Towels are towels.
Wrong, wrong.
The outdoor towels are for the outdoors.
The indoor towels are for the indoors.
What if the pool towels run out?
Well, that'll teach people
to bring their own towel
- to a pool party.
- Oh, a teachable moment
at a party. That's just brilliant.
Good. Girls, bring that over here.
Chop, chop.
You got it, you got it.
My girls are strong.
[LAUGHS] Yeah.
Okay, let's see if you guys
know how to pack a cooler.
Yeah, baby.
Aw, boy.
Uh, Ter?
The guests haven't even arrived yet.
I'm just checking to
make sure it's cold.
- You already have bar tan.
- Ha, ha, that's sunburn.
We just don't want you to peak too soon.
Girls, let's move this
cooler a little further away
- from the grill, okay?
- No, no, no, no.
No, no, no. Nuh-uh, uh-uh. Ha, ha.
Perhaps you are not familiar
with the "fung shoo-ey"
of a backyard barbecue party.
It's feng shui, but go ahead.
The grill man puts
the cooler by the grill
so that people come to him for a drink.
That way, he can visit with
everyone while he does his job.
Oh, and then the grill man
drinks too many beers.
What's with all the beer talk?
Your girls here have
expressed some concern
over every year you embarrassing them
by drinking too much at the party.
Honey, a man can enjoy a few
beers in the comfort of his own home.
Last year, you woke up in the
hedges when the sprinklers turned on.
What a loser.
Settle down.
We took the liberty of
drawing up a contract.
What contract?
What are you talking about?
"I, Terry McConky, agree
not to get sloppy drunk today.
If I do, I will sleep in the garden shed
for a week as punishment."
- Please sign on the dotted line.
- I'm not signing anything.
- BOTH: Sign it!
Come on. It doesn't say you
can't drink. It just says
- you have to control yourself, okay?
- Okay, fine.
Here, hold this.
Don't drink it.
Yeah, okay, whatever.
- Thank you.
- Congratulations.
We'll be keeping an eye on you.
I'm gonna finish this one, though.
Hey, Terry, here comes the party.
- Hey, Dad.
- Hey, perfect timing.
I'm about to throw these
beauties on the grill.
Wow, those are huge.
Yeah, I know, right?
These might take a couple
extra minutes on the grill.
I'm gonna cook them low and slow, bro.
Cool. Cool, cool.
Uh, we're gonna go put these down.
- Hope you're hungry.
- Yep.
Oh, man, he's gonna cook the
shit out of that 'roided-out chicken.
It's gonna be even drier than last time.
How do we dodge this bullet
without breaking his heart?
We've got to stop him from
overcooking that chicken.
Maybe if we distract him, we could do
a little course
correction on his grilling.
Keep him from drying it
out without him knowing?
Did we just hatch a
plan to save the chicken?
BOTH: Operation fowl play!
Ah, I'm gonna go over here.

I hope I'm not cramping our style here.
Come on, Mom, I want
you to meet everyone.
These guys are totally chill.
Well, just don't stray too far.
I don't know anyone here.
Mom, my only job today
is making sure you have a good time.
Aw. Thank you, baby.
This is my mother, Maria.
Maria, what a pleasure to meet you.
Oh, I've heard wonderful
things about you, Chief.
- Call me Terry.
- Terry.
[LAUGHS] Your son has been
a great addition to our station.
I'm so proud of that.
Oh, my baby!
Yeah, so cute.
- Is that bottled beer?
- Yes, sir.
Everyone knows you don't
bring glass to a pool party, probie.
That's a big no-no-never.
Maria, it's so nice to meet you.
If you need anything, you let me know.
- Uh-huh.
- You like chicken?
- Oh, I love chicken.
- Ah? All right, good.
I'm gonna make you eat five pieces.
- Okay.
- That's this much.
[LAUGHS] Okay, great.
What up, man? Mick, what's up?
Oh, Granny, hey, um,
this is my mom, Maria.
- Maria, it's a pleasure.
- Oh, shoot. Hey, hi.
How's it going? Nice to meet you.
Hey, here, take these fireworks,
stash them while we hit the pool,
and do not let Chief see
them until he's drunk.
Until he's drunk, okay?
"I won't let him see
it until he's drunk."
- Oh, you got it.
- Hey, hey, hey!
- Where'd you get those towels?
- Huh?
- What?
- Where'd you get those towels?
Oh! Oh, yeah. Uh, inside.
- Vicky said it was cool.
- Vicky said it was cool?
- BOTH: Yeah.
- Right. Hey, Vic. Chief, it's okay.
- Don't worry about it.
- Vicky! Vic!
- Hey!
- Vicky!
- [SHOUTING] What?
- Did you tell these guys
they could use the indoor
towels at the outdoor party?
No, I did not!
And you know what, Terry?
- I don't care!
- Those are indoor towels!
- Move along. Get back to your chicken.
- You want some chicken?
- Ay-yi-yi.
- There you go.
- Yeah, see? She doesn't care.
- She doesn't care.
- And they are so soft, Chief.
- Super soft.
Okay, here's what you're gonna do.
You're gonna take the inside
towels and bring them inside,
and get some outside towels
and bring them outside.
- Okay, no problem.
- That's my shower towel.
- Okay, okay.
- I shower with those.
I'm sorry, I said.
Listen, these two clowns
are gonna try to sneak out
here with my good towels.
Your job is to stop them.
Uh, but I thought today was my day
- Guys, this is my mom, Maria.
- Hi.
Oh, hi. Nice to meet you.
Mickleberry's mom?
I thought this was your sister.
- Aw.
- It's a pleasure to meet you, Maria.
- Nice meeting you too.
- Captain Eddie Penisi.
Probie, we have a scheme to keep Chief
from overcooking the chicken,
- So we got a job for you.
- Yeah.
Step one, we're gonna get him drunk
so he doesn't know what we're doing.
The problem is, Chief made a deal
with his wife and daughters that
he would lay off the beers, so
You're gonna feed him
this hard lemonade.
He doesn't know it's alcoholic,
so just keep pushing it.
- But but I thought today, I was not
- We'll get back to you soon.
Probie, probie, hey, me and
Granny are gonna hit the pool, okay?
So grab us a couple cold ones, will ya?
And, oh, yeah, find
somewhere to put that.
Today should be fun.
Ay, yes.
You guys like these, right?
Want this one? These look good?
Now, the trick is to
cook it low and slow.
I'm searing it right now,
so you might not
understand what I'm doing.
If this is not the best
chicken you've ever tasted,
I'll eat a bug. [LAUGHS] Right on.
Okay. [LAUGHS]
You're sleeping in the shed.
That shed.
Did I just see you throw
out an unfinished beer?
It was warm.
That's 'cause you're not
drinking them fast enough.
Can I get you another?
I'm gonna hold off for a sec.
Hey, what the hell are you doing?
First, I put out Ike
and Granny's cherry bomb.
Then, I hid their fireworks.
Then, I helped Vicky carry in ice
and blow up the pool floats.
Finally, I'm getting a beer for my mom.
You're supposed to be getting
the chief drunk on hard lemonade.
Can I just give this beer to my mom?
In a minute. Every second we don't act,
that chicken gets drier than a
cotton ball under a heat lamp.
Give him this hard lemonade, bro,
and just engage him in conversation.
Get in there.
Mickleberry, I thought
I told you to keep
- an eye on Ike and Granny.
- I'm headed over now.
I just thought you might
like something to drink.
Ah, well, I'm pacing myself
on the beer right now.
That's why I brought you some lemonade.
I'm sure it's thirsty work
grilling that famous chicken.
Yeah, well, grilling artistry
does make a man thirsty.
[CHUCKLES] What do you got? Let's see.
- Lemonade, huh?
- Yeah.
Mmm. Mmm.
- That's refreshing.
- Might as well give you another.
Thank you very much. I appreciate it.
Hey, let me show you something here.
This is my sauce table, okay?
Now, chicken's like a child.
You gotta tend to it, nurture it.
And if you look at this
here, I got barbecue sauce.
I got buffalo sauce.
- Which way should we spin it?
- Turn it to the right.
No, the ping's in the other direction.
- Give me it.
I thought I put way more time on this.
And this flame's kind of low too.
Huh. Here we go.
Probie, you don't wanna mess
up the famous chicken, huh?
Let's turn this up here.
Fire that baby back up.
- There you go.
Hey, hey, listen, listen, listen.
Hey, man, you having fun?
- I just gotta give this to my mom.
- Oh, yeah. Look, do us a favor.
Terry's watching us like a hawk.
I need you to go inside and grab
some of those fat, juicy, soft towels.
Chief said use the outside towels.
- No, no.
- No, no, man!
Outside towels?
We're not gonna use those thin-ass,
stupid outside towels, okay?
They're embarrassing. We want the
nice, soft, plush inside towels.
Is it really that big of a deal?
Yes, it is, man.
Listen, I grew poor in
Little Belgium, okay?
All I had was thin
towels my entire life.
I go to my rich friends' houses,
see their stacks and stacks
of beautiful, plush towels.
I try them on when no one's looking,
wrap it around my head,
pretend I was a fancy lady.
It felt great.
I'm not using thin towels again.
It's plush towels, okay?
In the military, they
made us use thin towels.
Thin towels!
And I swore, when I got out,
I'd never use a thin towel again.
Thin towels remind me of
being in the shit, man.
- So come on, help us out.
- He's gonna do it. He's gonna do it.
Yeah, you're gonna do it, right?
- Sure.
- Thank you.
- There he is. Attaboy.
- Thank you.
Hey, man, was that stuff true?
Absolutely, every word.
- Wait, you?
- 100%.
Man, I really want those
soft, fat juicy towels.
All right, man, we're gonna get 'em.
We're gonna get 'em, buddy.

Look at that. Now that's a fat breast.
You gotta be careful.
- Huh?
Hey, who did that?
Live grenade!
- Hey, come here.
- Come here, come here.
Bring us those towels.
Hey, Mickleberry! Bring us the towels!
- Bring us those towels!
- Come on, bring those towels over here!
- Come over here!
- Mickleberry!
Are you lighting firecrackers
off in my backyard?
- No, no, no!
- These are my inside towels.
- What are you doing with my inside towels?
- I figured the best way to keep
Ike and Granny from getting
your towels would be if I had them.
That's a smart idea. [LAUGHS]
[SLURRING] Hey, see that
garden shed over there?
I want you to go over there
and lock the towels in.
- Lock them in.
- Okay.
All right. And then you know what?
Go have some fun. Are you hungry?
- Starving.
- World's famous chicken's almost up.
You like world-famous chicken?
Wo' famous chicken, baby. All right.
- Mickleberry!
Get the chief to drink
these hard seltzers
so Lucy and I can turn
down the flame on the grill.
- Go.

- Mickleberry!
- Don't lock it.
- Don't lock it, man.
- What are you doing?
What are you doing? Just leave it.
- What are you doing? Stop.
- Leave it.
- Why did you lock
- Mickleberry!
Get over here!
- Yes, Chief?
- Mickleberry,
My flame's levels keeps going down.
How is that happening, sir?
I don't know, but you're gonna help me.
All right, see these dials right here?
- You're gonna watch these dials.
- You want me to stand here
and watch the dials on the grill?
Yes, I want you to watch
the dials on the grill.
I got to turn it up
here, okay? Here we go.
Hey, oh, oh, oh!
Look here, right here. See this?
We gotta keep our eyes on
the prize here, all right?
We've got about 20 more minutes.
It's still too moist.
God, so much pressure,
cooking this chicken
for all these people.
You know what? I'ma get a beer.
- You want a beer? You like beer?
- Yeah.
- You 18?
- Yeah, yes.
'Cause you can have some if you want.
I don't care. I'll look the other way.
[LAUGHS] I'm a fireman,
not a cop, you know? [LAUGHS]
All right. [POPS CAN]
You're so gross.
So gross.
BOTH: The shed.
At least I got one sip,
right? Hey, what's that?
Uh, flavored seltzer.
Seltzer, huh?
Well, no booze for
me, so why not, right?
Lemon lime?
That looks pretty refreshing, right?
Does it go well with chicken?
- Yeah.
Oh, god, it's bubbly!
It's got bubbles in it.
- Hey, Terry, drink much?
Hey! Schmaltzy, watch it.
- Eat your potato salad.
- Nice snarf!
Get in the pool while you're at it.
I don't care about your eczema.
Who invited Schmaltzy anyway?
- What happened?
- Uh, I don't know.
- You're supposed to watch it.
- I was watching you.
Darn thing must be broken. God, dials.
I'll take care of it. There we go.
This chicken's gonna take a while, okay,
so why don't you go have a little fun?
I'll let you know when it's done.
Okay, go ahead. Get out of here.
Hey, watch out for that
glass on my pool deck.
Yes, sir.
Hey, hey, hey, man.
I need you to get a crowbar
So we can get inside of
here and get those towels!
In the garage, right now. Go right now.
- Just give me one second.
- No, right now!
Mom, Mom.
Oh, honey. I'm gonna go.
- Hang on, Mom. Things will get fun.
- Just stay with your friends.
- I called an uber.
- No, Mom.
- hey-yo, everybody!
Hey, hey!
Ladies and gentlemen.
May I have your attention,
please, ladies and gentlemen?
Terry's world-famous chicken is ready!
- Yay, Chief.
And a very special thanks
goes out to Mickleberry,
the probie over there.
He pointed out that my
grill was malfunctioning,
so I cranked it way up! [LAUGHS]
Thanks to him, the
chicken won't be too moist.
Raise your hand,
Mickleberry. Raise your hand.
Yeah, that's him.
That guy right there, he did it.
[LAUGHS] Step right up.
Terry's world-famous chicken.
It's a rare delicacy.
Get one piece, get two piece,
get three pieces right now, huh?
And it goes great with beer.
Come on, you guys.
I can have a beer with a meal, right?
Hey, Lucy, get some more chicken.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, have
another piece, Luce.
Hey, Mickleberry, come on.
Get a couple more pieces on there.
What you talking about?
Get the garlic bread off your plate
and put another piece
of chicken on there.
At least the chief's drunk now.
He'll be getting frisky any minute.
Hey, Vicky! Vick!
- Vick, I'm at the table!
- Um, I'm right here, honey.
Oh, hey, Vicky.
- Hey, where's your chicken?
- No, you know what?
- Where's your chicken?
- I wanna get my plate first.
- Give me a kiss.
- No, no, no, honey, honey.
- Can I kiss your cheek?
- No, I don't want any kisses.
Beer and barbecue is an
aphrodisiac for my dad.
Mickleberry, two pieces at least.
Come on, let's go.
Okay, here you go, Mickleberry.
- All right.
- I can't eat all this.
Well, you should have thought about that
before you let the
chief torch the chicken.
- That's not what you
- Eat it, probie. That's an order.
Can't we just throw it in the trash?
You heard him. He wants to see bones.
Wait, here. Eat this.
Yo, tricky Mick.
There you go, buddy.
Hey, after you're done eating that,
go grab those fireworks, okay?
We're gonna blow some shit up.
Ha, ha, blow this bitch up.
- Hey, whoa, whoa.
You guys have something
you want to tell me?
- Oh! The chicken was so good.
- Ah.
Perhaps something about the towels?
- What about the towels?
- Yeah, we got the outdoor towels.
You said, get the outdoor towels.
- We got the outdoor towels.
- Oh, really?
[LAUGHS] Yeah, right.
- How about this?
- Wait, wait.
Whoa! Oh!
- Look at that!
- Oh!
- Huh?
- Oh!
Those are the indoor towels!
- Probie, you were supposed to keep an eye out.
- How is this my fault?
- They're the ones who stole the towels.
- I gave you one job.
This is my day off.
And my mom left 'cause I
couldn't spend any time with her.
I know how to make
you feel better, buddy.
Huh? One more piece of chicken for you.
Just put it on the old
big pile there, my friend.
I'm not eating any more chicken!
It sucks!
And it's drier than a
rattlesnake's asshole!
- Hey!
- Whoa, Mickleberry
Who brought glass to a pool party?
That's it. This party is over!
Everyone out of the pool!
- Really?
- Thanks a lot, bro.
What loser brought
glass to a pool party?
Ah, Mickleberry.
- Right there, mom.
- Where?
- Mom, right there.
- Where?
Come on down, kiddo.
Everything will be all right.
Hey, buddy. [WHISTLES]
Mickleberry, hey, look at this.
Ah, Vicky brought cupcakes.
Put it on the ground?
Put it on the ground?
- Put it on the ground?
- Why are you talking to him like he's a dog?
- He's not a dog.
- I'm not talking to him like a dog.
- Yes, you are.
- We're sorry, probie.
I know the party didn't turn
out like you'd hoped for.
This was my day off.
We were all supposed
to have fun together.
My mom left because
she wasn't having any fun.
She didn't leave.
- She didn't?
- ♪

Are you sure?
I'm pretty sure I saw her leave.
No, she's still here.
Uh, uncle Eddie and my mom
are giving her a tour of the house.
That's awesome.
Cap is so cool.
- He's like a father figure to me.
- More than you know.
But I still embarrassed
myself in front of my mom.
I wasn't supposed to
be the probie today.
Come on, kid.
You're always gonna be the probie,
everywhere you go.
That's what being a probie is about.
And, look, if it's
any consolation to you,
you lasted longer than I
did at my first barbecue.
Okay? Like, look, they gave
me 14 pieces of chicken to eat,
And I threw up in that
bush right over there.
We've all been through
it, we all got through it,
and you will, too, so why
don't you just come on down?
We still have time to
have a couple beers.
- Really?
- Yeah! There's still cold beers, cupcakes.
- Yeah.
- Okay, let's do it.
Hey, there he is.
- Good job, buddy.
- Thanks, guys.
I just don't know how
the chief can forgive me.
I ruined the party, dissed his chicken.
- What's up? What's up?
- Oh, incoming.
Are you guys playing
hacky sack over here?
Mickleberry, have you
had the chicken yet?
- You like chicken?
- Yeah.
- You like chicken?
- Yeah.
- Mickleberry, you like chicken?
- Yeah.
Okay, here you go. You're
gonna love this. Here.
- Oh! Oh.
- Oh! Oh!
- Oh.
- Hey, here's it, good. That's good.
Hey, you see my owl box?
- Do you see it?
- No.
You know who lives in an owl box?
- Who? Who?
- What? What?
- Who?
- Ah, Mickleberry's an owl!
[LAUGHS] He's an owl!
Great party, Dad.
Holy shit.
Luckily, he won't remember
any of this tomorrow.
I see ms. McConky.
Where's my mom?
- She's around.
- Yeah!
- Hello.
- Hey, Vic. How you doing?
Yeah. What's going on here?
Uh, just, uh, hanging out,
- Looking for the party.
- Hey, Mom!
Oh, I'm so sorry for neglecting you.
Oh, no problem, hon.
I was just getting to
know your new friends.
[LAUGHS] I've had the best time.
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay, cool, cool!
- Are you having fun?
- [LAUGHS] The best fun.
- Looks fun.
All right, let's ramp
this party back up.
Do the funky every night ♪
Do the funky every day ♪
And the funky every night ♪
Do the funky every day ♪
Wait a minute. So you mean to
tell me that chief's mouth is so wet,
that's what makes his dry
chicken so good to him?
Yup, that sounds about right.
Is his mouth always wet,
or is it just when he eats?
We don't discuss it, okay?
That means he must
like all his foods dry.
No, he just doesn't mind it.
- That's all.
- Oh.
Oh, girls, yeah, just throw
that in the shed there.
He'll figure it out.
He ended up in the right spot, huh?
- Called it.
- Loser.
Well, we can't leave
him there overnight.
The raccoons will swoop
in and eat him alive.
We should at least clean it up.
Be careful, Mickleberry.
Don't wake a sleeping bear.
Don't worry, I won't.
There we go.
Ah, sleep.
- Hello, Mickleberry!
- Mickleberry!
- I've had about enough of you!
Mickleberry, get over here!
No, Chief!
Go, Mickleberry, go!
Go, Mickleberry, go!
Don't worry, Mickleberry!
He won't remember this either!
Go, Mick, go!
- Get him, Chief!
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