Tales from the Crypt (1989) s07e06 Episode Script

Cold War

Crypt Keeper, I'm not the one with the problem here, she is.
Relationships aren't about who's right or wrong.
Look, do you remember how you felt about each other when you were newly bleds? Do you want to feel the same way you felt at your marriage scare-emony? Good.
Then let go of what you find irritating about each other before it gross too far.
Which is the kind of advice the young couple in tonight's tale should take.
They're fiends and lovers whose relationship is clot between a rock in a horrid place.
I call this one "Cold War.
" I thought you said this beautiful borough had a bank.
- Shut up.
- How sweet, Ford.
Do you French kiss your mother with that mouth? Nice one.
I said shut up, both of you.
It's here somewhere.
Just keep an eye out.
Get a move on, Cutter.
Come on.
We haven't got all night here.
The bank's just up ahead.
I know it.
Ain't here, mate.
Oh, well, I don't remember asking you, ass bag.
Maybe you should pay more attention to the pecking order round here, huh? Not on the face! Not on the face, okay? Chill out, Cutter.
Just chill.
All I'm trying to tell you, boss, is it ain't here, 'cause it ain't here.
It used to be a bank, now it's a launderette.
Damn it.
I'm sorry, baby.
What do you want to do now? I got a plan.
You know the routine.
Just keep it running.
Ford, don't be such a wanker.
This isn't a good idea and you know it.
I don't know what a wanker is and I don't care.
Look, a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do.
Who ever heard of putting a Laundromat in a bank? That's what I've been trying to tell you.
It's a bad omen.
Let's just get back in the car.
No can do, princess.
I was really looking forward to robbing that bank, you know that? I know.
But there'll be others.
I'm telling you, this whole thing's giving me a bad feeling.
Don't do this.
I mean it.
Come on, what's your problem? We must've done a thousand jobs like this before now.
Only the bad guys had guns, remember? Look, what could possibly go wrong? Okay, party people, let's put our hands up in the air, and lets all wave them around like we just Shit.
Ford, if they don't kill you, I'm going to do it myself.
Yeah, promises, promises.
Hey, be cool, kids.
Okay, let's just be cool here.
I'm a firm believer in the teachings of Buddha, and like the fat man always said, first come first served, so we'll just be backing out of here Do not move.
Not in my face.
Anywhere but in my face.
Come on.
Drop your gun.
Drop it.
I'll just put it here.
Just put it there.
Drop it, bitch.
- Bitch? - Shit.
Who the hell do you think you're talking to? - No! - Drop it or he's dead! In your dreams.
I'm gonna wear your ears on a fucking necklace, Kato.
Don't call me Kato, bitch.
Then don't call me bitch, Kato.
Cam Cam Cammy Cammy! You've got every right to be breathing fire here, no one says you don't.
But the spray on that bird gun is pretty wide, honey.
Your point being? Well, my point being, we've got a better chance of getting out of here alive if you use what's between your legs instead of that thunder stick in your hands.
I suppose you're right.
Put the gun down, please.
You win.
Gotta nick me some matches.
Laid it out! Cammy! Go on, baby! - You bitch.
Run! - Go! So long, Cutter! Come on, Cammy! Come on, baby! Bye, bye, Cutter.
Wait for me.
- What did I tell you? - We'll discuss it later! Just drive! Oh, shit.
Come on, baby.
Come on.
You can do it.
Have some of this.
Is that better? Is that better? It's gonna be all right.
I'm doing my best.
Hold still.
I can't find it.
Well, of course you can't find it.
That's the wrong leg.
Well, how was I supposed to know? - There was a hole there.
- Well, that's an old hole.
The new one with the slug in it is in this leg.
Fine, if you're gonna be such a wanker, do it yourself.
Oh, there's that word again.
I mean, it's not like you haven't been shot before.
Why do you always have to make such a big deal out of it? Because each and every time it happens, it still hurts! Here, let me show you.
You bastard! Ah, quit your crying.
It barely grazed you! I could have done some serious damage if I wanted to! You people are making too much noise.
Shut up, Shavey! Don't make me come up there! Right, that's it, Ford.
No more.
I'm through letting you treat me like shit.
Go on, then, leave.
You'll be back.
And to the women God said, "Your yearning will be for your husband, "and he will dominate you.
" Genesis 3:16.
Not this time.
Yeah, well, that's what you said last time, and the time before that.
Besides, who else would have you? - Plenty of men.
- Wrong.
The answer is nobody.
Don't you see? That's our bond.
We're in this together.
We're two of a kind.
I don't believe that anymore.
- People are more accepting.
- People are shit.
Look, go on! Go, if you wanna go so bad! - Ford! - Go on! You'll be back! You'd better hope not.
'Cause if I do, you're gonna regret it.
- I'm leaving.
- Eat one! Excuse me, barman, can you help me out here? I just hit town and I'm looking for a friendly face.
Yeah? What is it you want? Look around you, man.
I think that's pretty obvious, huh? I mean, do you see any big titties rubbing up against me? Do you see me doing the bump on the dance floor with any fine looking bootie? - No, you don't.
- Well Mmm-mmm.
I didn't ask you if you could see any one-eyed, banjo playing, big-headed Deliverance types with teeth missing and tattoos on their necks.
Those, my friend, you have plenty of.
What I need to know is, where are all the good looking ladies, man? How many do you need? Will one do? Yeah.
That's fine.
- Hello.
- Hello.
What's your name? And now reality sets in.
You don't like reality? Reality sucks.
I've had reality up to here.
But if you must know, the name's Jimmy.
Jimmy Picket.
Hi, Jimmy Picket.
If I said I could change your reality, would you be interested? Baby, I've been underground for so long, if you dance a little closer I'll show you just how interested.
- I'll take that as a yes.
- In a big way.
The holes in my floor Shavey! I don't know shit about the holes in your floor.
Sounds to me that you've been smoking the crack again, buddy.
Guns are illegal.
Every Tom, Dick and wanker knows that.
Wanker? I'll give you the wanker.
Every time you making the noise Wankers.
Sounds like some fucking breakfast cereal to me.
Wankers! I told you you'd come back, didn't I? Cammy? Cammy? Cammy? Ford.
What the hell have you been doing all day, baby? I think you mean "who.
" Hey, that's my robe! That it is.
- This the guy you were telling me about? - That's him.
I expected more.
Hang on a minute.
Is this your big idea of revenge? With this guy? Okay, okay, I apologize.
I'll never shoot at you again.
Now get rid of him.
Too late, Ford.
This is my new partner.
So Eat one! You can't partner one of them.
Jeez, I can't even believe you let him do you.
Take another shower, Cammy.
- The thought of it's making me sick.
- You racist little prick.
Maybe it's time somebody taught you some manners.
- Jimmy, no! - He doesn't get it, does he? Oh, I get it all right.
You're gonna be my bitch.
Superfly, chill out.
Look, this isn't about the color of your skin.
In my world there's only one thing that determines who rates and who doesn't.
Simply put, are you alive or are you dead? Any more questions? Bastard! I hate it when you do that! I thought we agreed.
After Cutter, no more humans.
Then stop treating me like shit.
I'm tired, Ford.
I want out! There is no way out.
Face up to it, we belong together.
Now tell me why? You know the answer.
Tell me! Because we're zombies.
That's right.
We're ghouls, the walking dead.
Whatever you want to call us, we're no longer a part of the world out there.
The living can't be trusted.
Neither can the dead Zombies.
You can stick your dick in them, but you wouldn't want to feed off one.
Let me go! Ford, you gotta believe me.
I didn't know.
Okay, baby.
I'm coming, baby.
I'm sorry! You ever tasted zombie blood? It's putrid, like beer that's gone bad.
One sip and you are shitting your stomach lining into the bowl.
I gotta hand it to you, bloodsucker, you paint a pretty picture.
Trouble is not one word of it's true.
He's right.
We're no different than you.
Blasphemy! Your kind are garbage eaters.
Mindless, lazy critters who live off of the flesh of the dead.
You feast on what we vampires throw away.
Now, bow down to me, bitch, and show your master some respect.
What did you call me? A name worthy of your species.
You're gonna regret that.
That's what I thought you said.
Kiss my zombie ass, motherfucker! Bull's-eye! Going somewhere? I'm going to tear your head from your shoulders and shit down your throat.
Tell it to someone who cares.
You can't kill us, we're already dead.
He's right.
Fight's over, Count Chocula.
You can walk away peaceful or in pieces.
Your choice.
No! Not the face! No guns to the face! See? We're not that different after all.
Men, all vain as shit.
Hey, zombies.
Y'all so easy.
Out we go! There you are.
So, vampires can turn into bats and fly away before they hit the ground? Does that really make them that different? Mmm-hmm.
Okay, maybe you've got a point, but it doesn't give them the right to treat us like second-class citizens.
If I ever see that blood-sucking rodent again, I'm gonna break both his wings.
No, those snobbish vampires don't have anything on us.
That's right.
Things will be a bit different now, but we'll manage.
I mean, we both can't be the pretty one.
Oh, did that shotgun hurt you? Here, let me help you with that, sweetie.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
Oh! There, there.
Don't you worry.
I'll take care of you.
Don't really have a choice.
After all, we're two of a kind.
I guess Cammy and Ford won't be joining Jimmy's fang club anytime soon.
Still, I do see a little blight at the end of the tunnel for them, if Ford's new look gross on her.
So, how's our struggle with wife and death? Are we happy? Looks like they'll be headed for divorce corpse instead.
English - SDH
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