Tales from the Crypt (1989) s07e12 Episode Script

Ear Today... Gone Tomorrow

Look, lady.
I'm sorry if the product made your skin fall off.
But we never do axe-changes on sale merchandise.
Some people.
Maybe at Doomingdales the ghostomer's always fright.
But not here.
Attention all Slay mart choppers! Interested in tonight's boo light special? It concerns a couple of crooks who are about to learn the benefits of dying wholesale.
I call this bit of gash-and-carry "Ear Today Gone Tomorrow.
" One minute One minute 30 Two ten We've got an alarm.
Just a minute.
I'm almost there.
What's the problem? There's no problem.
I've almost got it.
Two-thirty-five Open it.
Yes, just one more minute.
Okay? We haven't got another minute! The coppers are on their way! Open it.
You idiot.
He's hopeless.
No, no, wait.
Let me start again.
Okay? I got confused.
Time's up, Fennell.
The police are here and you're dead.
Right in the kisser.
Well, I am sorry, Mr.
Lawson, but it looks like this bloke's been wasting your time.
He ain't a safecracker.
Yes, I believe you're right, Henry.
We've been duped.
It's a shame, a real shame.
A bleeding shame, sir, and a busy man like yourself, you shouldn't have to bother with the likes of this riff-raff.
It can certainly leave a nasty taste in one's mouth.
But I'm not going to give up, yet.
I'm a problem solver.
My bookies are very worried about you, Glynn.
So much so that they brought your rather large debt to my attention this time.
Now, I ask you, do I look like the type of man who's built an empire on flogging drunks and gamblers? - No.
No, no, sir.
- That's right.
I'm not.
I'm a barterer.
The way I see it, every man has a skill I can trade for.
In your case, I was told you have a certain expertise that could be very useful to me.
One that could help you pay off your debt.
I know, Mr.
It's just that I've run up against a bit of a losing streak, again.
But I've got a tip on a horse Tips are for waiters and cabbies.
A betting man should never accept one.
You know that.
Yeah, I know that.
But this one's a beauty.
It's a sure thing.
You had a sure thing, you stupid arse, and you fucked it up! All you had to do was to crack that safe and we were in business.
Still crying over spilt milk.
I thought we had moved beyond this obsession of yours.
Glynn Fennell, my wife, Kate.
If she speaks of obsession with some authority, it is because she is an expert.
Her beauty is not so much a tribute to the hand of God as to the meticulous craftsmanship of some of this country's finest plastic surgeons.
Malcolm, you gave away my secret.
I'm hurt.
I thought we paid to have your feelings removed, along with certain rather unsightly wrinkles, of course.
Very funny.
Don't let him fool you, Mr.
I'll pay you back, Mr.
Every penny.
All I need is one more chance.
And all I needed was a competent safecracker.
So, it appears that neither of our needs are going to be fulfilled.
Great pity.
I had high hopes of you, Glynn.
I was told you used to be good.
One of the best.
Get the car ready and then cut his throat.
I can't be bothered with this anymore.
- Right, sir.
- Love the glasses, Henry.
Thank you, ma'am.
As I said to Mr.
Lawson, I appreciate the gift.
- My pleasure.
- No! Don't go! Please! Please give me one more chance.
I'll do anything! Really, I will No, I will, I will.
I'll do anything.
Please help me.
Really? Anything? Then tell me a story.
What happened to the world's greatest safecracker? Well, I took a beating in prison and I kind of lost my hearing, you know.
But it's I mean it's But It's healed now.
But I can't hear the tumblers no more.
I can't hear anything, you know? But that's no reason to kill a man, is it? It's as good as any.
But then again, why don't you let him go, Malcolm? Give him one more chance.
- Why? - He's cute.
In a pathetic sort of way.
He's business.
And you never mix business with pleasure, am I right? That is my rule.
Then how do you explain me? You, my love, are my hobby.
A very expensive one.
But well worth it.
That man's obsession with gambling intrigues me.
I bet What the devil All right, I'll take that bet.
- Car's ready, sir.
- Thank you, Henry.
No! Come on, I can get the money! Cut him free.
- Sir? - I said cut him free.
My wife has bought Mr.
Fennell a short reprieve.
Very good, sir.
Thank you.
Thank you so very much.
I won't forget this.
Now, now, don't be so quick to kneel at her feet.
In my view, she has only extended your suffering.
But as she wishes to prove a point, I've decided to grant her request to spare your life.
Tomorrow, Mr.
Fennell, I leave for Paris.
Lf, when I return in ten days time, I find that your debt is still outstanding, I shall kill you without any further hesitation.
Not even my lovely wife will be able to save your skin a second time.
- We understand each other, eh? - Yes.
Yes, sir.
I won't let you down.
I know you won't.
I'm betting on it.
- Hello, Glynn.
- Bloody hell! Meow.
Amazing, aren't they? They're part of a little surprise I'm planning.
- Are they real? - Of course.
I came all the way down here to show them to you.
You came all the way down here to show me your eyes.
Why? I want you to help me break into my husband's safe.
Do it and I promise you you'll never have to worry about money again.
You are crazy, lady.
Am I? In five days, he's going to kill you.
I'd say you'd be crazy not to accept.
Let me help you and then we can help each other.
I've told you before, I can't hear anything, can I? I mean, I can't even hear the tumblers fall.
Yes, but I know a man, a surgeon who can cure your hearing loss.
He's using new and radical techniques.
Doing things no one's even dreamed of.
Help me and you'll be rich.
Decide not to and you're as good as dead.
Either way, it's a sure thing.
- Wait, where's Henry? - He's gone.
He always travels with Malcolm when he has monkey business to attend to.
We're alone.
Trust me.
Come on.
Where are we going? To the bedroom.
To call the doctor.
Don't be so suspicious.
This is business.
I won't bite.
I clearly don't understand you, Mr.
You will bet every pound you own on a long shot in hopes of hitting it big.
But you will not take a slight gamble in following me to my room.
Why is that? I guess I'm interested in only one thing, lady.
- The big score.
- Why, me, too, Mr.
- Coming? - Yes.
Now, let's just hope for your sake, we're talking about the same thing.
All taken care of.
My surgeon is expecting you.
That's good.
Well, I'll probably be on my way then.
Is that what you think? Well Like Like you said, you know, I mean The doctor is I am going to fuck you.
That's not funny.
- Does this look like I'm laughing? - Oh, boy.
Oh, please, please.
Please don't do this.
Well, ever since I got these new eyes, I've been having these strange urges.
I mean, it's not like I even find you that attractive.
But you'll do.
I think my body's trying to tell me something.
Yeah, yeah.
I crave sex.
I feel like I'm on a hot tin roof.
Have you tried catnip? What kind of crack is that? It was just a little joke, that's all.
Just a little joke, I mean Never mix business with pleasure, remember? And who said it's going to be pleasurable? You do a lot of these operations then, Doc? Not as many as I'd like to, I'm afraid.
The procedure is fairly new.
Therefore, the operation is extremely expensive.
But, fortunately for you, you have a wealthy benefactor.
You can say that again.
She's quite a nice little benefactor, she Tricking an individual's immune system into accepting tissue from another person is not an easy task.
Introducing tissue from an entirely different species is another story altogether.
We're still working out the bugs.
Bugs? That's not very encouraging.
Oh, there's nothing to worry about.
We've been pumping pig insulin into diabetics for generations.
It was really only a matter of time before we made full use of all their transplantable organs.
We've even used bone marrow from baboons to fight off retroviruses.
Baboons? Get out.
Don't be ridiculous.
Hey, I am sorry.
I don't understand.
Lawson said you wanted to improve your hearing.
Yeah, well I do, I know, I do, but, I mean, I don't want to wake up and find a couple of chimp's ears stuck to me head, do I? You won't.
Primates' auditory abilities are not that much better than humans.
I want to improve your hearing ten-fold, Mr.
- What? You can do that? - Absolutely.
How? By giving you the auditory system of an owl.
Can you hear me, Glynn? Wake up, Glynn.
- What happened? - The operation was a success.
- Operation? - Yes.
I took advantage of your fainting spell and put the time to good use.
You're cured.
The headset will help until you learn to better filter the sound waves.
Now tell me, how do you feel? Great.
I feel absolutely great.
Glad to hear that.
You should stop smoking.
Your heart's racing.
When I want your opinion, I'll ask for it.
Meanwhile, keep your ears out of my chest.
We could negotiate a compromise upstairs.
There's been quite a change in your personality ever since your operation.
Maybe you're not such a miserable specimen after all.
With your confidence restored, you're almost a man.
It's too bad my husband comes home tomorrow.
If you had any money, you might actually be interesting.
Really? Well, in that case, let's crack a safe.
Not there.
- Why? What do you mean? - That's pocket change.
This is for keeps.
Impress me.
My pleasure.
Well done, Glynn.
You are about to become a very wealthy bachelor.
Well, madam You know what they say? Age before beauty.
I beg your pardon? Funny what you find lying around here given half the chance, isn't it? I told you I was gonna take care of you.
There's gonna be more than you could ever need.
Just put that away.
No, that's not good enough.
You don't get me, do you? I'm a gambler, and a gambler settles for nothing less than everything.
I want everything.
The big score, remember? Glynn, don't be this way.
Think of the night we had together.
I lied.
It was great.
You know, that's all I think about.
I warned you, pussy cat.
Smoking kills.
Malcolm was right about you.
You'll always be a bad bet.
Oh, dear, that is disgusting.
You know, one thing I hate worse than smoking is fur balls.
People have got some filthy habits.
I hate it when that happens.
God, life is a bitch sometimes.
I'll say.
All bloody nine of them.
Or in my case, eight.
Some side effects are better than others, Glynn.
- Wouldn't you agree? - Who Who To who To who I think you mean "to whom," Glynn.
To whom.
I still can't believe you're taking my money, Malcolm.
And I still can't believe you thought he had any principles.
Good grief, the man's positively Neanderthal.
The moment he got a sniff of some easy money, his instincts took over.
I knew he'd try to shoot you, first chance he got.
But it's my allowance.
I have to say, I thought it was a sucker bet - What have you done to me? - Done to you? My goodness, it's what you've done for me that's exciting.
Yeah, but what have I done to deserve this? You've been the perfect host.
I knew you were a sure thing, the moment I laid eyes on you.
I explained the whole thing to you in my office, dear boy.
These experiments are tricky stuff.
Sometimes we have to move slowly up the evolutionary scale to make them stick.
With something as intricate as a human ear, you can't just expect to jump from animals to human.
Sometimes you have to start somewhere in between.
And that's where boys like you and Henry come in.
Henry! What? Henry's dead? Sure.
You don't think these eyes grow on trees, do you? I let Henry have them for a while, and then he lost his head, with the help of the good doctor here.
Why settle for mere cosmetic surgery when you can sample all of Mother Nature? Being beautiful is one thing, but in our business, having a few extra lives - can come in handy.
- Exactly.
It's these little improvements that make us better-equipped to do our work.
- Goodbye, Glynn.
- He's all yours, Doctor.
Poor Glynn! I hope his Boo Cross policy's in force.
Sounded to me like he got in his screamium just in time.
So, how will you be paying today? Now, that's a charge card! English - SDH
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