Tales from the Crypt (1989) s07e13 Episode Script
The Third Pig
Son of Dracula.
Return of the Son of Dracula.
The Son of Dracula's Revenge? Is that all you can do? Vampire movies? I'm afraid that's not good enough.
You'd have to be a bite more versatile to be on the frighting staff of Tales from the Crypt.
Oh, hello, creeps.
As you can see, we've got an opening for a story dead-itor.
I've been conducting chop interviews all morning.
No one seems to get what I'm looking for.
Oh, well.
Let's see who's next.
Interesting, a brother team.
Grimm, I think I've heard of them.
This has potential, boils and ghouls.
It's a twisted bit of gorytelling about three scaracters you may recognize at first.
It's called the "Third Pig.
" Once upon a time, there were three little piggies.
Their names were Dudley, Drinky and Smokey.
What are you looking at? Dudley Pig was the smartest of the three.
He lived in a sturdy house made of bricks which he kept very neat and tidy.
Drinky lived in a house made out of an old whiskey keg.
While Smokey lived in a house made out of cigarettes and wooden matchsticks.
To say that Drinky and Smokey weren't as smart as their brother Dudley would be putting it mildly as both were sorely lacking in the brain department.
Drinky only thought about one thing.
Well, maybe two things.
While Smokey Smokey didn't think of anything at all.
In this happy neighborhood there also lived a devious and hungry wolf.
Mr.
Wolf was bad as could be.
And he had a ravenous appetite.
More ice, I tell you.
More ice.
Damn! I know you porkers are inside.
You can run but you can't hide.
I'll get you damn pigs if it's the last thing I do.
You, you Oh, what rhymes with "you"? I'm not a damn poet.
Why does everything always have to rhyme in these things? I can't help it.
No one talks like that in these stupid, freaking I sound like a Hallmark card or something.
No one talks like that.
And so the wolf left without his dinner and angry because he couldn't end his speech on a very good rhyme.
And the piggies slept safely through the night.
Come the morning, Drinky and Smokey were very, very sad.
And so you see, brother dear, we've got nowhere to go.
That big, bad wolf wrecked our homes, don't you know? He scared us so badly we ran and ran.
Now I guess we'll have to live in a garbage can.
Nonsense, you two, you can move in with me.
This house made of brick is very sturdy, you see? That blowhard old wolf could never knock it down.
It's the strongest house in the whole darn town.
Well, the two dumb brothers wasted no time in taking their smart brother up on his generous offer.
Drinky and Smokey moved their few possessions into their brother's house.
Well, to say that Drinky and Smokey didn't treat their smart brother kindly would be an understatement.
They always sent him out on errands and made him cook and clean up after them.
The two brothers weren't the best guests Dudley had ever had.
Drinky and Smokey threw all-night parties with booze and ladies of easy virtue.
I say, brothers dear, could you be a little more quiet? I thought that the city was having a riot.
They partied all night and watched television all day.
I say, you two, how's the job hunt going? This pain in my back shows no sign of slowing.
It's true, brother dear, that it's jobs that we need, but the horrible truth is we don't know how to read.
Dudley the Pig knew that his brothers meant well.
It wasn't their fault that they were born with slow minds.
He preferred to remember the good times.
Yes, the good times.
But for the life of him he couldn't remember any good times.
Hey, brother dear, what're you standing there for? Yeah! We're out of beer, now get to the store.
I'll go to the store, but you better beware.
That nasty, old wolf is still out there somewhere.
So close all the windows and lock up the door, it won't take me long to get back from the store.
And so the smart, little piggy went to the market to get some beer for his lazy brothers.
But as fate would have it, that was the moment the bad, old wolf chose to arrive.
When I find a way in, that's when I attacks! And soon I'll be dining on sweet baby backs.
Say, brother dear, who on earth could that be? I'll go to the peephole and take a look-see.
Oh, please can't you help me? I'm filled with distress.
I'm a poor swimsuit model who just lost her dress.
If you'd let me inside, I'd be ever so grateful, and I think that you'll find me to be extra playful.
Smokey couldn't believe the luck.
There's a cute girl outside and she wants to come in! Well, let her in, stupid, so the fun can begin.
Come right on in, Miss Well, well, well, what have we here? Looks like two little piggies but where is the third? I'll start with you two and then I'II Oh, the hell with it! And so, even though the wolf still couldn't find a rhyme to go with "third"he Will you shut up about that? You try it.
I haven't heard you do one rhyme yet.
And when he was done, he left.
Soon after the wolf had left, Dudley returned home.
He was startled to find the door wide open.
Hello, brothers dear, I'm back with the beer.
Hello? Police? Well, when I came home, and when I opened the door, there was blood on the ceiling, chopped off hands on the floor.
I think the wolf did it, that shifty old tramp.
There's blood all over the place.
The gore is still damp.
My God, there's intestines strung round the lamp! The address on the house is Pig Number Three.
Jesus Christ! There's a severed head on the TV.
Be quick! Be quick! Please hurry here quick! I think that I'm going to be violently sick.
Hooray! Hooray! At last I can cheer.
The frigging police are finally here! Oh, thank goodness! At last.
You're the chief I would guess.
Well, come on inside, take a look at this mess.
It must have been that bad, old wolf.
Oh, my Lordy! Only he could be responsible for a scene that's this gory.
Come, come, Mr.
Pig, let's not make up a story.
But But I didn't do it.
I just walked in here.
I said I'm not guilty! Let go of my ear! My, my, Mr.
Pig, what a mess you have here.
But to me, your motive seems perfectly clear.
You killed both your brothers 'cause they drank all your beer! I'm not guilty, I say! Throw him in jail or he'll sing that all day.
And early the next day, poor, innocent Dudley found himself in court.
Y'all be a-rising.
The Honorable Judge Vic "Leave 'Em Hanging" Johnson presiding.
Order! Order! Now that we're all in, the State vs.
Dudley Pig can begin.
- How do you plead? - Not guilty.
That's how you plead? Oh, I think that I've heard all that I need.
I've got me a golf game, and I'm in a big hurry.
I think I'm gonna hand this one off to the jury.
- Okay, big daddy.
- Okay, big daddy.
The jury is back and a verdict they've got.
Is the pig guilty or is the pig not? - Oh, brother, is he guilty! - Oh, brother, is he guilty! Sorry, son, the system's done all it can.
I sentence you to die in this frying pan.
Poor Dudley Pig.
What a blow fate had dealt this porker.
Oh, woe is me.
My heart is achin'.
For come the 'morrow, I'll just be fried bacon.
That nasty wolf, why, it's his fault that I am locked up inside this dank vault.
My dear sweet brothers once again to see, would be the only wish that I'd wish for me.
Dear brother Dudley, what's all the fuss? We've got something to say, better listen to us.
Holy smoke! My dead brothers! To see you is swell.
Tell me, are things as hot as they say down in hell? A bit warm, it's true, but we're here with an important mission for you.
We'll help you escape and that is no goof, but you must bring us revenge by killing the wolf! And with that, the ghostly piggies lifted their brother up and with some effort pulled him through the window of his cell.
What is this broken down place full of rats? The abandoned castle of a mad doctor, in fact.
A mad proctologist to be exact.
But you can still use it 'cause the lab's still intact.
Use it? For what, oh, dead brothers of mine? To build a monster, so revenge we can find! You can learn how from reading this book.
It's an ancient grimoire, but just take a look.
You will learn how to bring our plan to fruition.
And you won't even have to pay any tuition.
Goodbye, brother Dudley.
Save our souls from this pain.
You must stop that wolf from killing again! That wolf must be stopped, my brothers are right.
I'll get busy this very night.
Now at last my dark deed is done.
Life will soon be yours, oh, hideous one.
After hours of toiling and sweat and strife, I summon the powers to give my creature life.
And then the zombie pig monster sat up and said something that Dudley pig will never forget.
The lifeless mass I have revived, now I can say it's alive! Live! Live! Live! This wolf must die, that is my will.
I order you to kill.
Kill, kill, kill, kill.
Kill.
I will.
And so, the zombie pig monster shambled out the door of the castle to find and kill the big, bad wolf.
You should have seen the look on that little pig's face as he was branded with guilt and led away in disgrace.
I think it's funny.
I just don't care.
In the morning that pig will be fried in the chair.
Well, I guess that's enough for one night.
I'll go visit Bo Peep, she won't put up a fight.
And the naughty wolf left that dark den of iniquity and went off to molest Bo Peep.
But he hadn't gone far into the woods when he got the distinct feeling he was being followed.
That's a relief.
It was only the trees.
I thought for a moment I might have been What rhymes with trees? Oh, Mr.
Monster, don't eat me, oh, please.
I forgot to mention my horrible skin disease.
Hey, that rhymed.
And though the zombie pig had done his job, poor little Dudley pig was having second thoughts about what he had done.
What have I done? One horrible monster from the world I have rid, but created another, that's what I did.
This abomination must not continue.
I'll have to dismember it sinew from sinew.
Little pig, little pig, quit stabbing my head.
You can't kill what's already dead.
Must destroy! I love this ending, I think it's neat.
And I've one thing to say.
"Pork, the other light meat.
" I don't know about you, kiddies, but I was glad to see the wolf hit one out of the pork.
Still, an hour from now, he'll be hungry again and bacon for more.
You'll be happy to know, creeps, that it looks like that opening I told you about has been filled.
Once we hammer out a few creative stiff-rences that is.
English - SDH
Return of the Son of Dracula.
The Son of Dracula's Revenge? Is that all you can do? Vampire movies? I'm afraid that's not good enough.
You'd have to be a bite more versatile to be on the frighting staff of Tales from the Crypt.
Oh, hello, creeps.
As you can see, we've got an opening for a story dead-itor.
I've been conducting chop interviews all morning.
No one seems to get what I'm looking for.
Oh, well.
Let's see who's next.
Interesting, a brother team.
Grimm, I think I've heard of them.
This has potential, boils and ghouls.
It's a twisted bit of gorytelling about three scaracters you may recognize at first.
It's called the "Third Pig.
" Once upon a time, there were three little piggies.
Their names were Dudley, Drinky and Smokey.
What are you looking at? Dudley Pig was the smartest of the three.
He lived in a sturdy house made of bricks which he kept very neat and tidy.
Drinky lived in a house made out of an old whiskey keg.
While Smokey lived in a house made out of cigarettes and wooden matchsticks.
To say that Drinky and Smokey weren't as smart as their brother Dudley would be putting it mildly as both were sorely lacking in the brain department.
Drinky only thought about one thing.
Well, maybe two things.
While Smokey Smokey didn't think of anything at all.
In this happy neighborhood there also lived a devious and hungry wolf.
Mr.
Wolf was bad as could be.
And he had a ravenous appetite.
More ice, I tell you.
More ice.
Damn! I know you porkers are inside.
You can run but you can't hide.
I'll get you damn pigs if it's the last thing I do.
You, you Oh, what rhymes with "you"? I'm not a damn poet.
Why does everything always have to rhyme in these things? I can't help it.
No one talks like that in these stupid, freaking I sound like a Hallmark card or something.
No one talks like that.
And so the wolf left without his dinner and angry because he couldn't end his speech on a very good rhyme.
And the piggies slept safely through the night.
Come the morning, Drinky and Smokey were very, very sad.
And so you see, brother dear, we've got nowhere to go.
That big, bad wolf wrecked our homes, don't you know? He scared us so badly we ran and ran.
Now I guess we'll have to live in a garbage can.
Nonsense, you two, you can move in with me.
This house made of brick is very sturdy, you see? That blowhard old wolf could never knock it down.
It's the strongest house in the whole darn town.
Well, the two dumb brothers wasted no time in taking their smart brother up on his generous offer.
Drinky and Smokey moved their few possessions into their brother's house.
Well, to say that Drinky and Smokey didn't treat their smart brother kindly would be an understatement.
They always sent him out on errands and made him cook and clean up after them.
The two brothers weren't the best guests Dudley had ever had.
Drinky and Smokey threw all-night parties with booze and ladies of easy virtue.
I say, brothers dear, could you be a little more quiet? I thought that the city was having a riot.
They partied all night and watched television all day.
I say, you two, how's the job hunt going? This pain in my back shows no sign of slowing.
It's true, brother dear, that it's jobs that we need, but the horrible truth is we don't know how to read.
Dudley the Pig knew that his brothers meant well.
It wasn't their fault that they were born with slow minds.
He preferred to remember the good times.
Yes, the good times.
But for the life of him he couldn't remember any good times.
Hey, brother dear, what're you standing there for? Yeah! We're out of beer, now get to the store.
I'll go to the store, but you better beware.
That nasty, old wolf is still out there somewhere.
So close all the windows and lock up the door, it won't take me long to get back from the store.
And so the smart, little piggy went to the market to get some beer for his lazy brothers.
But as fate would have it, that was the moment the bad, old wolf chose to arrive.
When I find a way in, that's when I attacks! And soon I'll be dining on sweet baby backs.
Say, brother dear, who on earth could that be? I'll go to the peephole and take a look-see.
Oh, please can't you help me? I'm filled with distress.
I'm a poor swimsuit model who just lost her dress.
If you'd let me inside, I'd be ever so grateful, and I think that you'll find me to be extra playful.
Smokey couldn't believe the luck.
There's a cute girl outside and she wants to come in! Well, let her in, stupid, so the fun can begin.
Come right on in, Miss Well, well, well, what have we here? Looks like two little piggies but where is the third? I'll start with you two and then I'II Oh, the hell with it! And so, even though the wolf still couldn't find a rhyme to go with "third"he Will you shut up about that? You try it.
I haven't heard you do one rhyme yet.
And when he was done, he left.
Soon after the wolf had left, Dudley returned home.
He was startled to find the door wide open.
Hello, brothers dear, I'm back with the beer.
Hello? Police? Well, when I came home, and when I opened the door, there was blood on the ceiling, chopped off hands on the floor.
I think the wolf did it, that shifty old tramp.
There's blood all over the place.
The gore is still damp.
My God, there's intestines strung round the lamp! The address on the house is Pig Number Three.
Jesus Christ! There's a severed head on the TV.
Be quick! Be quick! Please hurry here quick! I think that I'm going to be violently sick.
Hooray! Hooray! At last I can cheer.
The frigging police are finally here! Oh, thank goodness! At last.
You're the chief I would guess.
Well, come on inside, take a look at this mess.
It must have been that bad, old wolf.
Oh, my Lordy! Only he could be responsible for a scene that's this gory.
Come, come, Mr.
Pig, let's not make up a story.
But But I didn't do it.
I just walked in here.
I said I'm not guilty! Let go of my ear! My, my, Mr.
Pig, what a mess you have here.
But to me, your motive seems perfectly clear.
You killed both your brothers 'cause they drank all your beer! I'm not guilty, I say! Throw him in jail or he'll sing that all day.
And early the next day, poor, innocent Dudley found himself in court.
Y'all be a-rising.
The Honorable Judge Vic "Leave 'Em Hanging" Johnson presiding.
Order! Order! Now that we're all in, the State vs.
Dudley Pig can begin.
- How do you plead? - Not guilty.
That's how you plead? Oh, I think that I've heard all that I need.
I've got me a golf game, and I'm in a big hurry.
I think I'm gonna hand this one off to the jury.
- Okay, big daddy.
- Okay, big daddy.
The jury is back and a verdict they've got.
Is the pig guilty or is the pig not? - Oh, brother, is he guilty! - Oh, brother, is he guilty! Sorry, son, the system's done all it can.
I sentence you to die in this frying pan.
Poor Dudley Pig.
What a blow fate had dealt this porker.
Oh, woe is me.
My heart is achin'.
For come the 'morrow, I'll just be fried bacon.
That nasty wolf, why, it's his fault that I am locked up inside this dank vault.
My dear sweet brothers once again to see, would be the only wish that I'd wish for me.
Dear brother Dudley, what's all the fuss? We've got something to say, better listen to us.
Holy smoke! My dead brothers! To see you is swell.
Tell me, are things as hot as they say down in hell? A bit warm, it's true, but we're here with an important mission for you.
We'll help you escape and that is no goof, but you must bring us revenge by killing the wolf! And with that, the ghostly piggies lifted their brother up and with some effort pulled him through the window of his cell.
What is this broken down place full of rats? The abandoned castle of a mad doctor, in fact.
A mad proctologist to be exact.
But you can still use it 'cause the lab's still intact.
Use it? For what, oh, dead brothers of mine? To build a monster, so revenge we can find! You can learn how from reading this book.
It's an ancient grimoire, but just take a look.
You will learn how to bring our plan to fruition.
And you won't even have to pay any tuition.
Goodbye, brother Dudley.
Save our souls from this pain.
You must stop that wolf from killing again! That wolf must be stopped, my brothers are right.
I'll get busy this very night.
Now at last my dark deed is done.
Life will soon be yours, oh, hideous one.
After hours of toiling and sweat and strife, I summon the powers to give my creature life.
And then the zombie pig monster sat up and said something that Dudley pig will never forget.
The lifeless mass I have revived, now I can say it's alive! Live! Live! Live! This wolf must die, that is my will.
I order you to kill.
Kill, kill, kill, kill.
Kill.
I will.
And so, the zombie pig monster shambled out the door of the castle to find and kill the big, bad wolf.
You should have seen the look on that little pig's face as he was branded with guilt and led away in disgrace.
I think it's funny.
I just don't care.
In the morning that pig will be fried in the chair.
Well, I guess that's enough for one night.
I'll go visit Bo Peep, she won't put up a fight.
And the naughty wolf left that dark den of iniquity and went off to molest Bo Peep.
But he hadn't gone far into the woods when he got the distinct feeling he was being followed.
That's a relief.
It was only the trees.
I thought for a moment I might have been What rhymes with trees? Oh, Mr.
Monster, don't eat me, oh, please.
I forgot to mention my horrible skin disease.
Hey, that rhymed.
And though the zombie pig had done his job, poor little Dudley pig was having second thoughts about what he had done.
What have I done? One horrible monster from the world I have rid, but created another, that's what I did.
This abomination must not continue.
I'll have to dismember it sinew from sinew.
Little pig, little pig, quit stabbing my head.
You can't kill what's already dead.
Must destroy! I love this ending, I think it's neat.
And I've one thing to say.
"Pork, the other light meat.
" I don't know about you, kiddies, but I was glad to see the wolf hit one out of the pork.
Still, an hour from now, he'll be hungry again and bacon for more.
You'll be happy to know, creeps, that it looks like that opening I told you about has been filled.
Once we hammer out a few creative stiff-rences that is.
English - SDH