TallBoyz (2019) s03e03 Episode Script

It's Hard Being Precocious

1 ♪ NARRATOR: A story Canada knows MATTHEW: Welcome to Avonlea! NARRATOR: A story Canada loves GULED: I'm Guled.
Guled with a G.
MATTHEW: You're not quite what we expected.
GULED: I'm ever so pleased to meet you! MATTHEW: Go-lad? ♪ MARILLA: We asked for a precocious redhead.
GULED: But I'm ever so good at making up stories! Like what's this? MARILLA: It's a caterpillar.
GULED: Oh, I got a story about this one.
His name is Cat, last name P.
His real passion is painting! GILBERT: Carrot.
GULED: Never touch a black man's hair! Do you know how much I paid for this ginger weave? GULED: Gilbert pulled my hair earlier today.
I think he's jealous of my red locks.
GULED: He lunged at me! You saw that, right? GULED: He might actually like me.
MATTHEW: What's he doing? MARILLA: Is that taekwondo? GULED [VO.]
: I'm Guled.
Guled with a G.
NARRATOR: Coming soon to CBC.
GULED: It's okay.
It's hard being precocious, right? Hey-yo, hey-yo, hey-yo ♪ Hey-yo ♪ Hey-yo! ♪ [TALKING OVER EACH OTHER.]
TIM: Guys, guys, the government says we can only have five people in our bubble.
FRANCO: So we each get one plus a bonus? Sounds good to me.
TIM: No, no, no.
It's five people including us.
FRANCO: Oh TIM: That means there's only one spot left.
GULED: Ugh, I'll get the food.
VANCE: Well, we gotta go with my mom.
FRANCO: Her lemon squares are the bomb.
But let's consider all the options.
What about Sebastian Wexler? TIM: I don't know.
I mean, his face tattoo scares me.
FRANCO: Wexler's got the best Xbox games.
Without him we're stuck playing our old World War II game.
TIM: Wait, are we trying to be gamers in quarantine, or do we want to get jacked, right? Let me suggest my personal, personal trainer, Khanh Rudo.
Don't you guys want to get yolked? GULED: I can't believe we're even having this debate.
We have to pick my partner, Marabelle Dehorn.
We've been dating for a year! - It's my first real relationship.
- VANCE: Aww! FRANCO: Wexler's got a hot tub.
If we're in his bubble, we could all use it.
- VANCE: Oh! - GULED: But Marabelle makes me feel so warm inside! FRANCO: Hot tubs make us feel warm on the outside! ALL: Huh! GULED: I guess it's Wexler for the win.
VANCE: Oh, hey, that's too many people.
Uh, Wexler has roommates.
FRANCO: Your mom is married to your dad, that's two.
TIM: Do you guys want to get yolked or not? VANCE & FRANCO: Of course we want to get yolked! GULED: Of course we want that! But we're not picking your personal trainer.
We don't even know him! TIM: Fine.
Then what about McGurdle? GULED: You mean our 80-year-old neighbour? TIM: Yeah, I mean, he seems like a fun hang.
VANCE: The good thing is is that his wife passed, so he lives alone.
TIM: Oh, so convenient! FRANCO: And he can add personal context to our World War II game.
GULED: He does have a geriatric foot massager.
TIM: Yeah, it's kinda like a hot tub - For your toes.
- VANCE: Huh.
TIM: Alright.
- ALL: McGurdle it is! - [PHONE RINGS.]
VANCE: Hey, sorry, mom, uh, we went with McGurdle.
MOM: Oh, that's okay, honey.
My bubble's already poppin'.
I'm in Wexler's hot tub.
VANCE: Where's dad? MOM: Oh, I had to make a choice between the hot tub or your father.
I chose the hot tub! [ALL LAUGH.]
NARRATOR: This fall on CBC, from the producers of the Good Proctologist, comes a new medical show.
Hey, someone call a doctor? - JEREMIAH: Uh-huh! - NURSE: Mmm NARRATOR: Sexy Doctors.
DOCTOR: Your test came back positive [WHISPERING.]
It's not looking good.
DOCTOR: I'm afraid it's anything but beautiful.
You're dying.
JEREMIAH: Thank you.
You're amazing! DOCTOR: I'm just doin' my job JEREMIAH: I didn't hear a word you said.
Your heart rate's high.
LISA: Yeah, it really is! DOCTOR: [WHISPERING.]
Pull the plug.
LISA: Whatever you say.
- DOCTOR: Ooh! DOCTORS: Oh! DOCTOR: Scalpel.
Ooh! DOCTOR 2: And we're gonna need some music.
I want you ♪ DOCTOR: Ah, yeah! HOSPITAL PRESIDENT: We're losing a lot of patients! The death rates are sky high.
And weirdly, so are our approval ratings.
HOSPITAL PRESIDENT: Alright, you gotta stop licking your stethoscope like that.
It's unsanitary.
And you quit flicking your hair! And you come on, put your scrubs on! DOCTOR: [SEXY VOICE.]
You got it, boss.
You love, you cry ♪ You live and you die ♪ NARRATOR: Sexy Doctors.
Coming to CBC after Dark This Fall.
Then stay tuned for a sexy re-imagining of a Canadian classic, Guled with a G String.
GULED: I'm ever so good at being ever so bad.
EBYAN: Ah! Adia it's you! ADIA: Oh my God, Ebyan! EBYAN: It's so nice to finally meet you.
ADIA: I feel like I know you.
EBYAN: So, do we, uh? Alright ADIA: [LAUGHS AWKWARDLY.]
EBYAN: W-we should sit.
ADIA: It's my first time meeting someone on the app.
EBYAN: Um that's your work phone, right? ADIA: Oh, no, that's just my phone.
EBYAN: Oh, no, that is not a MyPhone.
This is a MyPhone.
That's a Phonedroid.
ADIA: Yeah EBYAN: Yeah, this isn't gonna work.
Uh, cheque, please! ADIA: Oh what are you doing? EBYAN: Well, I have a MyPhone, you have a Phonedroid.
I mean, you see what I mean, right? ADIA: No.
They're just phones.
You wanna dump me because of my phone? EBYAN: You don't get it, alright? I come from a family of MyPhone users.
There's generations of us together on a MyPhone thread.
ADIA: You could use WhatsApp.
EBYAN: Ugh, a third-party app? Please! You've seen Romeo and Juliet, right? ADIA: Yeah! They were famously in love.
EBYAN: Yeah, but it didn't end well.
Look, I'm sorry.
I really liked you.
Parting is such sweet sorrow.
That's a tweet I'm working on.
ADIA: But we get along so well.
I mean, we both have the same taste in music EBYAN: And the same Steven Page lyric tattooed on our sleeve.
BOTH: "Break out the finger food.
- "Hallelujah!" - EBYAN: [LAUGHS.]
ADIA: Talk about star-crossed lovers, right? EBYAN: I even thought about marrying you when I came here.
ADIA: You brought a wedding ring to a first date? EBYAN: I I - ADIA: Me too! - EBYAN: What? You can't be serious! ADIA: I thought I was crazy at first, but the fact that we both did it, it must mean that we're soulmates, right? EBYAN: Would you consider converting phones for me? ADIA: My parents would never accept it.
They are serious Phonedroid people.
EBYAN: Well, I guess that's the end of this.
ADIA: We could marry in secret! Yeah, we could turn off our GPS! We could keep our phone screens locked at all times! EBYAN: It'd never work, alright? We experience the world through our phones.
You're seeing everything in a completely different way than I am.
I've gotta go.
ADIA: Come on, Ebyan! Let's tear a Steven Page out of the book of love! [ROMANTIC MUSIC SWELLS UP.]
EBYAN: I suppose we could make it work.
I mean, what's the worst that could happen? [BOTH LAUGH.]
PRIEST: And tragically, they both died.
Here to say goodbye to our two young lovers, Canadian music legend Steven Page! STEVEN PAGE: They were Phone-crossed lovers! They met on an app and fell in a trap.
♪ Hers was a Phonedroid, his was a MyPhone, ♪ And that's a no-go zone.
♪ Reaching out for each other, ♪ The texts did not go through.
♪ She got burned by a candle ♪ ADIA: Help! STEVEN PAGE: He fell down a manhole ♪ EBYAN: Ahh! STEVEN PAGE: Phone-crossed lovers, ♪ it's really kind of sad! ♪ [APPLAUSE.]
CLYDE: Welcome to the 2022 Presidential Debate between President Meechum and Senator Fern.
I am your mediator, Clyde L.
Gentlemen, how do you plan on tackling the issue of our nation's deficit? Mr.
President, let's start with you.
PRESIDENT: If re-elected, I promise to create a responsible budget that focuses on education, climate research, and social security.
CLYDE: Senator Fern, your response? SENATOR: I just have one question.
President, were you also "working tirelessly" - when you were a hostage? - [AUDIENCE BOOS.]
PRESIDENT: Okay, whoa That is a low blow, alright? Yes, we all know that I have been taken hostage for some time, but that doesn't diminish my determination to serve this beautiful nation.
CLYDE: Let's move on to global affairs.
How do you plan on protecting our nation from international threats? Senator Fern? SENATOR: Well, I for one plan on being here, not a hostage.
Unlike the President, who's been kidnapped so many times, it's as if he sees it as a recreational sport.
Who's winning? The kidnappers.
AUDIENCE: Ooh! PRESIDENT: Yeah, that is totally besides the point.
I bet the people all see through your pathetic attempts to slander me.
SENATOR: You got on the wrong plane six times! [AUDIENCE GASPS.]
PRESIDENT: How was I supposed to know, alright? I'm not a friggin' plane expert.
I'm the President! I'm an expert in America.
CLYDE: Let's take some questions from undecided voters.
Philip from North Dakota? PHILIP: Hi, my question's for the President.
PRESIDENT: Thank you.
PHILIP: Last year I lost my job, and I have been unemployed ever since.
PRESIDENT: Oh, well that's what happens when you lose your job.
PHILIP: My kids haven't eaten in days.
I want to know what your plan is to not be kidnapped again.
SENATOR: Great question.
PRESIDENT: Okay, well, you worded that kind of weirdly.
SENATOR: I think he was pretty articulate.
CLYDE: The question, Mr.
President? PRESIDENT: How does one exactly promise not to get kidnapped? SENATOR: I promise to not get kidnapped.
CLYDE: We'll take another question from the audience.
SANDY: My question is also about how the President gets kidnapped so often.
PRESIDENT: Of course it is! SANDY: Is it true that you were lured into a van with the promise of candy? PRESIDENT: That happened once! It was one time, alright? And I wasn't lured into a van, - I was invited.
- SANDY: Mm-hm PRESIDENT: Does anyone have any questions that are related to my campaign to rebuild this great nation? Does anyone have any questions not related to me being kidnapped? How about that? CLYDE: [WHISPERING.]
PRESIDENT: Yes, you? You, yeah, what's your question? JOHN: I have some cake pops in my van.
- Would you like some? - PRESIDENT: Ooh, cake pops! That's sort of like candy and a cake.
Hmm CLYDE: Senator Fern? If elected, how do you plan on solving this climate crisis? SENATOR: Well where'd he go? [NEWS THEME MUSIC.]
Okay, uh, it already appears that we're getting live footage from the captors.
PRESIDENT: We gotta make this quick, alright? I got a debate to get back to.
- JOHN: Don't worry.
- PRESIDENT: Wait, what the What's going on?! what's happening? Wait, where's my candy? You told me there was candy! No! [BEEP.]
So it turns out that guy was trying to kidnap me.
I mean, who would have known? Anyway, please, please vote for me.
I'm not getting kidnapped for a fifth time.
I promise.
Can I get my candy now? JOHN: Sure thing, Mr.
PRESIDENT: Mmm, strawberry! It's a good one.
It was worth it.
RAMSLEY: Very exciting day.
FINN: My favourite day of the year, Mr.
Ramsley! MR.
RAMSLEY: Baking soda vinegar volcano.
I like it.
FINN: Not very original, is it, Mr.
Ramsley? MR.
RAMSLEY: Hmm, potato battery.
FINN: Pssht, we've seen that before! Right, Mr.
Ramsley? FINN: Uh-oh! Looks like someone didn't take the project very seriously, did they, Mr.
Ramsley? MR.
RAMSLEY: So small so supple [EERIE MUSIC.]
- FINN: Mr.
Ramsley? - [MUSIC STOPS.]
FINN: You've been staring at that cherry for 15 minutes.
- Uh, back to it, everyone.
SHERRY: So it was pretty small, then? MR.
Yes, it was.
SHERRY: And it was just a normal cherry? MR.
RAMSLEY: Are you even listening? SHERRY: [ANNOYED.]
FINN: Looks like someone didn't take the project seriously did they, Mr.
Ramsley? MR.
RAMSLEY: Don't eat it, Finn, it's too small! Finn! No! SHERRY: Honey, you're having a nightmare.
- MR.
SHERRY: What is going on? MR.
RAMSLEY: I have to go.
SHERRY: What? What is happening? MR.
RAMSLEY: I don't know, Cherry.
I mean, Sherry.
What's to become of us? [EERIE MUSIC.]
You've come back.
Who are you? CHERRY: I am that which has always been and will be.
The soil, heavens, you.
- MR.
CHERRY: Why do you want me? MR.
RAMSLEY: I don't know how to explain it.
It's like I've had this hole in my chest my entire life.
A cherry-sized hole.
CHERRY: Consume me, Mr.
Consume me.
FINN: And that concludes the study! MR.
RAMSLEY: Finn, what the hell's happening? FINN: I decided to conduct a psychological experiment to test the bond between a human and an inanimate object.
RAMSLEY: Be careful! FINN: It's just a cherry, Mr.
- MR.
RAMSLEY: But it spoke! - FINN: Huh.
RAMSLEY: Cherry, tell them what you told me.
FINN: Extraordinary! Please note that the subject heard voices coming from the small cherry.
Huh! MR.
RAMSLEY: Can I have it back? [WHISPERING.]
Cherry? Are you still there? I guess that's that.
ROD: A cherry so small, yet so dense in mystery, it could leave any man spinning.
Was it God, nature, or something else? Even a man of science like Mr.
Ramsley was left bewildered.
This is what happens in the small fruit mystery zone.
Man, I'm so tired of delivery.
VANCE: Me too.
But everywhere's closed for that stupid stay-at-home order.
GULED: I think the risk is way overblown.
TIM: Seriously? Do I need to remind you guys why we have to stay in? BOTH: We know! Full moon.
TIM: And that means what to you guys? BOTH: We know! Werewolves! TIM: And you're annoyed? VANCE: The media's blowing it way out of proportion.
It's literally just rabies.
TIM: Look, I don't want to get Wolvid-K9-Teen.
FRANCO: Guys! Butcha C just tweeted out a video.
His new barbecue restaurant, Butcha's smoke patio, is now open for in-person dining! VANCE: Those ribs changed my life.
BUTCHA C: Come get yo' barbecue! Butcha C! [RAPPING.]
Better to have wolf bites ♪ Than give up my human rights.
♪ Cowards stay home, heroes eat here.
♪ The real virus is living in fear.
♪ Support your local restaurant.
♪ We're open all year! - BUTCHA C: Woo! - [VIDEO STOPS.]
GULED: Alright, let's go! TIM: Well, hey, guys Think of the risk, alright? We could be killed, or worse kill someone we love.
There are so few cases in town.
FRANCO: Statistically, there's little to no chance of us encountering a werewolf.
TIM: What if we order barbecue for delivery? That way no one dies.
FRANCO: Delivery with a side of scaredy fries? [LAUGHS.]
TIM: Okay, be real, guys.
They still don't know a lot about wolvid.
I mean, they've tried contact tracing, but haven't been able to hunt down the original werewolf.
And now, apparently, there's an American werewolf variant in London! GULED: Come on, Tim, we'll wear muzzles.
FRANCO: Heck, I'll even wear two.
TIM: I suppose if we take all the proper precautions, it'll be alright.
My mom did get her silver bullet, after all.
GULED: Oh, that's great.
What kind? TIM: Moderna.
GULED: Oh! Good choice.
FRANCO: Oh, nice, a booth seat! FRANCO: Yeah! FRANCO: Nice to finally eat indoors.
GULED: Yeah! FRANCO: I hope I remember how to do it.
FRANCO: Mmm! Mmm, yeah.
BUTCHA C: I wanna thank you boys for not being sheep.
Anyway, enjoy your barbecue sheep.
TIM: Wow, you guys were right.
This is what freedom tastes like! VANCE: Liberty and barbecue sauce! MCGURDLE: You guys talking about Chinawolf? TIM: Oh, McGurdle, we should have never let you in our bubble.
FRANCO: Hashtag stop Asian Hey! [SCREAMING.]
TIM: The meat! They're here for the meat! Oh no, I'm covered in sauce! [SCREAMING.]
GULED: Tim's a werewolf! [SCREAMING.]
VANCE: Tim, why didn't you wear your muzzle? TIM: I took it off to eat! I thought it would be okay this one time! But it wasn't! It wasn't okay! [HOWLING.]
NARRATOR: Muzzles save lives.

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