TallBoyz (2019) s03e04 Episode Script

Jesus Was a Homeless Baby Too

1 Mr.
Long, we've got another one! Tell my momma I love her.
You're gonna tell her yourself, son.
We've been up all night and we haven't lost a soldier yet.
- You trust me? - Yes, sir.
Long, he's losing blood fast! Bone saw! Ahh, I trusted you! - Clamp! - It hurts so much! Shh! Dab! Pass me a pass me a Pass me a Is everything alright, Mr.
Long? I I am completely blanking right now.
Blanking? There's no time for this! Just tell us what you need! Needle? Scalpel? Momma No, shut up, shut up, it's not momma.
It's not momma, it's not momma.
It's, uh it's like, um what is it? Uh it's like, um it's jacobee! Jacobee.
There's no tool called a jacobee! Guys, I don't know if yelling right now is, like, really, like, super helpful to the situation.
Help me! Okay, it's one of those things that you say, like, a thousand times but, like, you shouldn't forget, but you do, you know? Like your son's name.
That's not a normal thing to forget! Really? It sounds like you're just a naturally forgetful person.
Okay, yeah Just tell us what it does and we'll help you remember.
Oh, isn't that cheating, guys? Cheating? This man is about to die! Okay, uh, it's like a long thing.
It's like, pointy, kind of like an injectey thing.
- A needle? - Needle.
That was the first thing I said! Ah, didn't you say ja-something? - No, I - Just take it! Okay, are you sure this is called a needle? Yes! Nee-dull.
It's that kind of a Is that a German word? No, it's French.
It's definitely French.
Are you trying to kill this man? - Ah - Please, I'm fading! Okay, I've been in this hellhole for 18 hours, sawing off limbs, left and right.
Do you think I like to do this? I'm going towards the light And the thanks that I get is, like, the accusation of murder? Wow, shame on you.
Shame on you.
Shame on You know what? Just give that to me! Get out of my way! Ahh! I'm coming, momma! I'm coming, momma! Well done, gentlemen.
Well done today.
Dah! Augh! Oh! Ah I've been hit! My son! Uh You don't remember my name, do you? Oh, Jaw? Jacobee? Oh, Jakin? Hey-yo, hey-yo, hey-yo ♪ Hey-yo ♪ Hey-yo ♪ And in other news, earlier today we caught this puppy taking a nap with two pigs.
They later died in a triple murder-suicide.
Yeah, why are we watching the news? It's so depressing.
I'm trying to get more informed.
In other news, the British Royal Family has announced a new diversity initiative.
Ooh! Quote, "it's not because of anyone named Meghan.
" - Diversity initiative? - Huh? Applications have been pouring in as hopefuls vie for the title of the new Duke of Sussex.
The winner will be announced later this evening.
That's clearly a PR stunt.
Oh, yeah.
I would never apply for that.
I dunno, it doesn't sound too bad.
Except for the corgis.
I hate those stupid dogs.
Seriously, man? It's the Royal Family.
You gotta be an idiot to want to join them.
Hi, I'm Guled Abdi and this is why I should be the next Duke of Sussex.
Poise, elegance, I understand what a shoehorn does, and I can digest dairy.
Uh, I mean, you're right.
It's so dumb! Who would even do that, right? Did someone order a fanfare? Does medieval times deliver? Uh I'm gonna go see who it is.
Oh my God! By decree of Queen Elizabeth the Second, I hereby declare that Guled Abdi is the new Duke of Sussex.
I can't believe this is happening! It fits so nicely! Her majesty could not be here in person, but she sends you her warmest regards and a gift.
Biscuits? - Oh, it's so nice! - Oh! Sewing supplies.
Uh And 15 million Canadian dollars.
Don't forget to share with your roommates! Wow, suddenly I have no objections.
Ooh! That's good.
Yo, what up, punk? what up, you punk ass? Yo, I got some hot sauces I know you ain't ready for! Oh, it better be that real hot sauce, not that soft shit that makes my shit soft, bro.
- Yeah, whatever, punk.
- Yo, shut the fuck up, bro.
Yo, so what are you sayin'? I know you didn't just call to chat.
Oh, you didn't hear? What, Janine take you to Homesense again? No, dawg, Homesense is closed.
The pandemic shut everything down.
It even shut down sports.
What you talkin' about, bro? Sports, man, they they shut it down, they don't know for how long.
But you and the guys come by every week to watch the game.
I know.
Y'all come by, we give daps, we eat, and we openly and honestly talk for hours about sports.
When I heard the news, I was like, "Who am I gonna talk to about sports?" Sports is what our friendship is built on.
Are we never gonna see each other again? To talk about sports? It's unprecedented.
No one knows.
What am I gonna do without you sports? I mean, we could watch old games on ESPN Classics.
Yeah, right! You can't bet on that shit! Yo, maybe we can have a conference call and we can express ourselves to each other without sports.
Yeah, right, Mike.
Quit playin', man.
Yeah, man.
I'm just messin' around.
Yo, I gotta go homeschool my son.
Yo, Mike? Yeah? I'ma miss sports.
I'ma miss sports too.
We kicked COVID's ass, and guess what? Sports are back.
Sports are back! You're watching Sports House.
Let's get sports'd! Yo, what up, punk ass? Yo, what up, weak ass? Sports are back.
Welcome back to the global headquarters of digital horniness.
You are watching the 20th annual World Sexting Championship.
If you're just joining us, I'm Avani Philip, and with me, as always, is Al Archer.
You are no stranger to this competition, being a three-time champ yourself.
Well, yeah, but the game is really for young thumbs now.
You know, I was sexting back when T9s were still regulation.
Back when the name of the game was All Patience.
Oh, absolutely.
But now the singles competition is all about power, and our competitors have showed that today.
Now we're looking at our singles sexting competition between Fatima Badem and Dale Boyd Smythe.
Dale Boyd Smythe, a veteran of the game, has been through several long-distance relationships.
His sexting game is strong.
And Fatima Badem, a rookie this season, but has come out blazing with her unique approach to sexting.
Fatima's opening things off with a winky tongue-out emoji.
Hmm, I like this.
She went for a classic intro.
Oh, yes.
Fun, flirty.
And there's Dale Boyd Jones, who appears to be using the lengthy-friendly approach.
A little offensive.
Oh, yeah.
What is that? That's nearly a paragraph.
A lot of lines, huh? Mm-hm.
Why don't you just write a book? Oh, we got them both typing at the same time.
Let's see whose ellipses will pop off first.
Oh, and looks like Dale won the bubble stand-off.
Fatima just left him on read and is now on Instagram, just scrolling.
Wow, leaving him on read, putting him in his head! And now, Fatima seems to be executing a grape-firework-double dragon.
You can tell she trained in Ibiza.
Now, al, I've never seen that before.
What do those emojis mean? Absolutely nothing at all.
It is a decoy.
Well, it seems to have worked.
Dale is he's, uh, sweating profusely.
Oh, absolutely.
He's starting to panic.
Trying to think of something clever to respond with and Oh.
Oh! Oh, no! For some baffling reason, Dale went full dick pic.
Dick pic! It's absolutely absurd that he would make that assumption.
That's disgusting.
This is not who I am! I-I panicked! Competitor is disqualified for dick-picing without consent.
Well, it appears Dale has been disqualified.
A major off-side, and a little to the left.
Woo-hoo! Classic digs.
Oh Not bad! I guess living with the Duke of Sussex has its perks.
I'll say! Well, I guess it's time to kick back and live the high life: Smokin' some weed and playing Skyrim! Yeah! Where's my bong? Maybe Guled got rid of it when he redecorated.
Hopefully that's the only thing he got rid of.
Ahh ahh! My empty gatorade bottles! My bed! Where's my bed? Where's my second bong? Good morrow, fellow countrymen.
Guled, where's our stuff? Oh, I had my Butler make a few changes to the house, remove anything that might embarrass me now that I represent the Royal Family.
Embarrass you? Yeah, that's why I got you those bannington gold goblets.
I can't carry these to hockey! They're way too heavy! I get the bongs and the bottles, but why'd you get rid of my bed? I made that call.
I didn't like the racecar theme.
I've had that bong since I was in grade 8.
I had that bed since I was in grade 8! I've had those bottles since they had gatorade in them! All great points, but why don't you have some biscuits on the new China set? Much more appropriate.
Wha? Anyway! Hey, where are you going? We're not done here! Sorry, I can't stay.
The Trudeaus invited me to their cottage for National Truth and Reconciliation Day.
We're gonna go jet-skiing! Oh, and FYI, you should bow when I enter.
It's no biggie now, but let's fix that for the future, alright? You're not a real prince.
You're just filling a quota.
What did you say? Yeah, you're a diversity hire! The only reason the Trudeaus invited you is because Idris Elba wasn't available! - Take that back! - No.
You're no fun to be around anymore.
Yeah, I thought you becoming a prince was gonna be fun, like when will became the prince of bel air! Oh, yeah! But it's been awful, like when scar became - The King of Pride Rock.
- No! Why are you acting like this, Guled? You know what? I don't have to explain myself to commoners! Commoners? Ta! That's it.
He can't be a prince anymore.
And again, commoners? Well, that's a no.
That's a big no.
We'll show him what commoners can do Okay, it's the hard "R.
" We're on top of the game, but it took a minute to get here.
Ruth Baby Ginsberg: They said we couldn't do it.
We proved them wrong.
Yeah, tell 'em! I done come a long way.
♪ Looking back at my past, damn, I am amazed.
♪ They used to belittle everything I say.
♪ When I use to be little talking literal-ay.
♪ Back in the beginning, haters used to hate, ♪ Didn't wanna see me winning.
♪ Told me how to talk, dress, act and perform.
♪ Thought they were in charge 'cause I was a newborn.
♪ Tried to keep me out, said it's for my own safety.
♪ Now I'm the man! I decide what's tasty! ♪ Mm-mm! Never learned what they say.
♪ I was still touching stovetops.
♪ Couldn't get it in my head when my skull had a soft spot.
♪ Thought I'd fall off, but my season isn't Autumn.
♪ Y'all can wipe my ass 'cause I sharted from the bottom.
♪ My life is so crazy! I used to be a baby! I was small but now I'm big.
♪ I'm a man but I was a kid.
♪ Very chilly living in my moms basement, ♪ But never in my life ever had to pay rent.
♪ 31 and nodding off to sleep, ♪ I'm making little sounds as I start to dream.
♪ Been this way since I was a fetus.
♪ Yeah, my mom says, "move out," ♪ But I know she doesn't mean this.
♪ Egregious, that's how I find her thesis, ♪ But Jesus was a homeless baby, too.
♪ People worship him! Life is so wild ♪ When you're a man child.
♪ Your food and laundry is covered, it's great, ♪ But an awkward sell to a date.
♪ They used to throw insults, ♪ Said I could never make it as a baby! ♪ But now I'm a baby adult.
♪ I act like a baby but I'm a full-grown man, ♪ it's like a weirder version of Peter Pan.
♪ I pay a nanny 20 grand to pick me up with her hands ♪ And clean the poop from my pants.
♪ You would do it too, but you ain't got the nickels! ♪ Keep hating while I live my best Tommy Pickles.
♪ His life's a bit odder.
♪ He's acting like a toddler.
♪ I don't want to shame your kink, ♪ But your diaper's starting to stink.
♪ I have a son! It was crazy.
♪ We used to be babies.
♪ Yeah, shout-out to all the baby artists out there! Like Lil Baby, Bhad Bhabie, Baby Santana, Baby Smoove Birdman, AKA Baby, Baby Gandhi, Circus Freak Baby, Baby Scorsese, The Godfather Baby Smoove, Baby Keem, the Baby Geniuses Film Franchise Baby Tron, BbyMutha, BBNO$, Bali Baby The Gerber Baby, babies with their pants down at the beach.
Babies for Life! And we're back to the World Sexting Championships.
Now we're moving on to our couples freestyle event, featuring the duo from Barcelona who will make you moan-a, Geoff and Hassan.
Tonight, Geoff and Hassan will be performing a video sext, where they'll be role-playing as lovers apart on a work trip.
Let's see how this goes.
Hey, baby, I miss you.
Just a few more days till I'm home.
Nobody role-plays better than these two.
Yes, two pros.
I wish I could touch your body right now.
Babe I'm still at work! Oh, pulling out a full glass of wine now.
- We know where this is leading.
- Oh, yeah.
How about you turn on Golden Girls and I watch you watch it? You just turned on this Golden Girl.
Golden Girls.
It's an aphrodisiac.
We all know it.
Golden Girls was something I used to watch with my grandmother.
Having it pulled into this context really makes me feel weird.
- Oh, Blanche! - Oh, Rose! - Oh! - Each laugh is so earned! Oh, you're a pal and a confidante! Bea Arth Bea Arthur! Did you notice how fast that was? You know, I was involved in it the whole time.
But when he came, it felt like I did too.
I know I did.
Join us next time where we'll be filming from a nudist hospital.
Some of the orderlies get a little disorderly.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, where's that iv bag going? I don't want to know! Thanks for lunch, guys.
You were so mad at me but all of a sudden you seem so nice! Yeah, that was our plan pleasure.
That was our pleasure.
There he is, there he is.
That's Guled.
Photographers? There's no royal event today.
Oh, prince Guled, why do you hate fish and chips? Oh, I would never say that! Oh look what's trending on Twitter! Guled, what do you think about fish and chips? Oh, British people are so stupid for liking this.
I don't care who I offend! - I - Ooh, this is juicy! Oh, that's that's out of context.
And Guled, what do you think of corgis? Oh, those useless, little dogs? They're gremlins, that's what they are.
This is a scandal.
- Your majesty? - Prince Guled.
- It was a joke.
- Corgis are a delight.
Please, a statement from you could clear this right up.
No, I don't think so.
I have to go.
Hello? She hung up on me.
Guled, what did she have to say? Oh! What's going on? Hi, I'm Ken Ten, and I'm here with disgraced former prince, non-American Guled Abdi.
So, Guled, were you silent or silenced? Honestly, neither.
But I was fired from the Royal Family.
And I gotta say, the corgi stuff was taken out of context.
They took your title? And $15 million.
Now nobody bows to me, and I have to do my own chores.
It's agony.
I'm not sure this is gonna go well with the general public.
Hmm, we'll let the public decide.
I I can predict that it won't go well.
Hmm, I don't know.
Well, that's Guled Abdi.
He's disgraced, his life is a wreck what a horrible situation your life has become! Thanks for stopping by.
No, it's coming along pretty well, but pssh! I still can't believe it.
The Royal Family just threw me to the side.
Kind of like how we've been feeling lately? I'm still not over that whole "commoners" thing.
I guess whoever took that video did me a favour, huh? - You're welcome.
- Shh! - What? - You guys set me up? Oh, I'm sorry, did the commoners set you up? Okay, okay, point taken.
I'm sorry.
I just wanted what was best for us.
We're sorry too.
Yeah, it wasn't cool to sabotage you.
We just thought you were too far gone.
That's fair.
I'm surprised that you as a black man - wanted to join the Royal Family.
- Mm-hm.
What are you talking about? You've never heard of the British Empire? Is that like the British "Office"? Okay, let's put on some more tea.
This is gonna take a while.
What?! - They're responsible for that? - Uh-huh.
Oh, wow! Oh, they invaded 90% of the world? Mm-hm.
That's why we speak English! Yeah, and that's the abridged version.

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