Teachers (2016) s03e15 Episode Script

Face Your Peers

1 - [BABY CRYING] - Please stop crying.
Oh, I know.
I know.
Mama's gonna find your pacie.
Oh, it's gotta be here somewhere.
It's not a pacie, but it's something.
Hola, kids.
Let's do the guacamole mambo.
- [TRILLS TONGUE] - Jesus.
We gotta turn you on to Swedish death metal.
Mash, mash, mash the avocado Dash, dash, dash a little And a wiggle to the left, a wiggle to the right Holy moly, it's guacamole Do the guacamole mambo Get in line and follow Do the guacamole mambo Good morning, everyone.
We have a new student joining us today.
This is Caleb.
Caleb, why don't you tell us a little about your old school? Well, it was good.
My old teacher was Ms.
Benson, and she was really nice.
Until she choked on a corn dog in the cafeteria and died.
A corn dog? Whoa, what a rough way to go.
Well, I'm sure you had many other teachers there who meant a lot to you.
Yeah, before her, I had Ms.
And she was my favorite.
But she got hit in the head by a swing.
It made her brain bleed, and her personality changed.
Eventually she died too.
So your last two teachers died? Yup.
Well, thank you, Caleb, for sharing.
Everyone, be sure to give him a pencil if he needs one.
And maybe a hug too.
And pop goes the kernel! [LAUGHS] Wow.
A lot of people would have chosen the popcorn or the kernel, but you were - brave enough to tell the whole story.
- [LAUGHS] Thanks for auditioning.
Uh, we will be in touch.
This one was definitely good.
Uh, before I go, I just want to say my daughter and I love listening to your music together.
I think what you do is really important.
You make people happy.
I'm normally the type of person who could kick someone's teeth in for jacking my parking spot, but since listening to you guys, I've been able to stop, take a breath, and remember, "Holy moly, it's guacamole.
" Wow, that that means a lot.
Not, uh not a lot of grown-ups get what we do, so thank you.
[CHUCKLES] Hey, Deb, stop! Wait.
Um, before you wiggle hop out of here, could you hang on for one sec? Sure, sure.
[ALL WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY] Deb, auditions aren't technically over.
But your passion for the group speaks volumes.
We would like to offer you the role of Mary Bop.
Oh! Oh, oh, my God! - Thank you, Mr.
Bop! - Oh, please.
- Please, call me Larry.
- Got it.
[LAUGHS] Hey, and could you do me a favor? On the way out, could you tell, um, Gloria and Carol that they did not get it? I hate to disappoint people.
Yeah, of course.
- That was a long piece.
- That was great.
- That was gr commitment.
- Yeah, truly.
'Cause the middle was terrible.
[ROCK MUSIC] And they reinterred my coffin under ten feet of concrete to prevent further grave robbery attempts.
I remain buried next to my wife, who people say was crazy.
But we don't know if that's historically accurate or just what men say about women they don't like.
Well, that's history, everyone.
Time for silent reading.
Oh, I'm so glad we're team teaching this week.
Me too.
Someone's been passing notes.
"Your teacher is pathetic.
"Anyone who acts that sunny all the time is an insecure loser.
" Whoa, baby.
That's a zinger.
But don't feel bad.
They're just idiot kids.
Oh, I don't feel bad.
The note's about you.
Don't be ridiculous, Mary Louise.
It's about you.
Nope, it's obviously about you.
Except for that it's not.
- It's about you.
- Oh, come on, Caroline.
You're the one who's got things to be insecure about.
You got dumped in a parking lot.
And you didn't get fingered until last year! - [GASPS] - [STUDENT CLEARS THROAT] Who here wrote this note about Ms.
Watson? 'Cause it's really not nice.
[ROCK MUSIC] - Are you busy? - Yeah, actually, - these grades are due at noon.
- Great.
I have a child in my class whose last two teachers died.
Isn't that crazy? It's got me thinking about my mortality.
Are you talking about Caleb? I had a premonition about him.
I'm mildly clairvoyant.
Mildly clairvoyant? I have visions.
And I recently had one about you and Caleb.
It it wasn't completely clear, but there was some kind of ending.
A break in the continuity of things.
A an expiration.
A terminus.
That sounds like death.
Well, visions are always open to interpretation.
[SIGHS] But yeah, it's definitely death.
[VENDING MACHINE CLANGS] [DOOR SQUEAKS] [HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING] ALL: Aww, shake your sandwich Shake, shake your sandwich Turkey, lettuce, cheese, and mayo Mix it all together and say, "Hey, yo" Hey, yo [MIMICS DJ SCRATCHING] It had moments.
Let's take a five.
[SIGHS] When we get back, I've got a new spread move I wanna try for "What's the Difference Between Jam and Jelly?" You're better than that.
These rehearsals have been so fun.
I've been happy every day this week, and that has literally never happened.
Well, your week's about to get even better.
We just booked a gig.
We're about to wiggle pop your cherry.
Get out! Where? Give me a wiggle beat.
[BOTH BEATBOXING] Fillmore Elementary! [DRAMATIC MUSIC] Uh-uh.
Uh Deb? Is everything okay? Do you really think that Fillmore is the best place for us? I mean, I hear that they have a ton of, uh, Crips and Bloods activity there.
You know, those are West Coast, and it's an elementary school.
Oh, and I hear that the teachers there sell oxy at drop off/pick up.
- Hey, Deb.
- Hmm? It seems like you're trying to back out.
No, no.
I just can't go there.
I love being a Wiggle Bop.
Then you wanna stay one? So we have a dress rehearsal tomorrow at 1:00 before the show.
Are you in? Absolutely.
Mary Bop is in.
[ROCK MUSIC] Have fun at phys ed, my little gym-thusiasts.
Oh, look.
Another note.
Probably about you again.
You're so dumb, you didn't know the last one was about you.
I'm not dumb.
You think Hannah Montana and Miley Cyrus are two different people.
I hope your fragile ego can take this.
And they are two different people.
They just have similar teeth.
"I bet your teacher wonders how anyone could ever love her.
" BOTH: It's me.
I do wonder that.
I know I need therapy, but my family only believes in medicating with a dry chardonnay.
I'm a weirdo.
I know I am.
You guys are really nice to me, but I'm a total weirdo.
It's me.
I'm unlovable.
No, it's me.
I'm unlovable.
What kind of sick freak makes mosaics out of HDTV power couples using spare buttons? That's nothing.
I have special voices for the two snails that live in my garden.
[WITH HIGH VOICE] One's like this.
[WITH LOW VOICE] And one's like this.
I'm sure a lot of people do that.
How dare this kid pass judgment on us? We gotta find out which little butthole wrote this note.
Pearson? - [SCREAMS] [BREATHING HEAVILY] Don't sneak up on people like that, Caleb.
Sorry, but I just wanted to give you this.
I made it special for you.
Oh, how nice.
You can just leave it there.
But I want you to look at it now.
[GROANS] - [SHOUTS] - [THUDS] [GROANING] It's you and me.
Is that a corn dog in my hand? [CROWD CHEERING] What is so special about these losers? They're like a low-rent "Yo Gabba Gabba!" They're local celebrities, Chelsea.
Hey, guys.
Why are you dressed like Mr.
Robot? No reason.
Hey, Cecelia, I have a doctor's appointment right now.
Can you watch my class? - Yeah, sure.
- [HORN HONKS] - Thanks.
- [SCREAMS] Gotta go.
[SULTRY MUSIC] Ding-dong, the witch is wet.
Hi, Larry! Oh! [LAUGHS] Hey, we're not signing stuff today, guys, okay? Nobody nobody touch.
Nobody touch.
This rocks.
What are you doing? Stretching out my mouth.
[PERCUSSIVE MUSIC] Oh, did your appointment get canceled? Great.
That gives me time to go through the garbage for my co-op's trash to table dinner tonight.
Now you can watch your class.
Five, six, seven, and Okay, I'm here.
From the top.
- Deb, where have you been? - Traffic.
Let's do this.
Whoa, Deb, Larry Bop is supposed to be in the front of the line.
Well, you snooze, you lose.
One, two, three.
Do the guacamole mambo Something about avocado! Something, something, lemon.
Lemon, this, this, chicken, chicken, chicken.
And great.
We all know what comes next.
Let's take five.
We just started.
Well, I have to pump.
Otherwise we'll be doing the breast milk boogie.
Did she say, "Chicken dick, chicken dick," when she was going in the circle? [ROCK MUSIC] ALL: Oh! Frankie, step away from the Bunsen! You could have set the room on fire.
But you always say someone should burn this dump to the ground.
[SCOFFS] That's hyperbole.
Now, everyone listen up for the instructions for the actual experiment.
"You will turn on your Bunsen burners safely.
"Using tongs, pick up one magnesium ribbon and hold it over the flame.
" Yada yada yada.
Observe the results.
I'll be right back.
And no more do-it-yourself flamethrowers.
[PERCUSSIVE MUSIC] How long are we gonna talk about this? They can't be the same person.
Miley Cyrus has brown hair, and Hannah Montana has blonde hair.
It's a wig, Mary Louise.
On a child? I don't think so.
ALL: I said shimmy shake Carrot cake Shimmy shake Carrot cake Deb.
Deb! Nice.
- Where's Deb? - Um Don't lie for her! [ROCK MUSIC] Frankie, where's your emo swoop? I don't know.
Give it to me.
No more flamethrowers! What kind of socks are those? [PERCUSSIVE MUSIC] They're compression socks for circulation.
And that was very insensitive.
- Oh, my God.
- Mr.
[BOTH SCREAM] Watch it! I was running with scissors.
[GASPING] - [YELPS] - Be careful, Mr.
I don't wanna lose another teacher.
Someone here wrote some very heinous notes.
- And hurtful.
- Hurtful and heinous notes.
And until someone comes forward to claim responsibility for them, no one will leave this room.
And that includes missing the Wiggle Bops performance.
ALL: No! We'll wait.
[QUIRKY MUSIC] Uh-uh-uh! No bathroom either.
If you gotta go, you can use this.
[SIGHS] Now, where's my wig? Me, me, me, me, me, me Whoa, Deb.
You're actually here.
You know what? You gotta get your head in the game.
Yeah, I know.
I'm really sorry about earlier.
Thank you.
I'm gonna 10-200.
That's showbiz for pooping.
- Ew.
- [DOOR OPENS] Larry Bop.
[GIGGLES] Hey there, you furry little Muppet.
Can you tell me how to get to Sex With Me Street? Uh, yeah, I can.
Oh! They make you tuck when you perform? Oh, I get it.
Let's get you untucked.
Um, stop! I don't like you like that! Leave! - Are you effing serious? - Uh-huh.
Okay, well, you're the one who asked for my number and then texted me the emoji of the wind-blowing lady and a rooster! [DOOR OPENS] - Well, these shoes are toast.
- You scumbag.
I'm unprofessional? You tried to have sex with a teacher.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
- [SCOFFS] - And by the way, you might have a big dick, but you have a weird woman's body.
Wait, Deb? Wait, you know Deb? - Wait, are you a Wiggle Bop? - Wait, do you teach here? Why didn't you tell us? [PERCUSSIVE MUSIC] I can't do this anymore.
I'm sorry, Larry Bop.
I quit.
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC] - Toby? - [SCREAMS] What are you doing? I saw your class walking themselves down to the assembly.
I am kill-proofing my room.
I can't be around Caleb.
Death is coming for me, but I'm gonna stop it.
If you're destined to die, you can't avoid it.
Death won't be cheated.
But I'm not ready.
My love life is in shambles, I'm a glorified sub, and I've never even cracked open my home pickling kit.
Toby, if Caleb is your agent of death, you should just accept it and enjoy the time you have left.
Is that meant to be comforting? [QUIRKY MUSIC] We're waiting.
[CRYING] - Don't do this.
- [CRYING] [SNIFFLES] We're waiting.
[SIGHS] Look what I found in the hallway.
I don't wanna hear it, Chelsea.
I'm embarrassed enough.
I am not saying anything.
You had a psychotic break.
It happens, like, every day to Kanye, and he still gets rewarded by getting to spend holidays with Kris Jenner.
Actually, this is the healthiest thing I've done for myself in months.
Maybe you do need help.
I know it's weird.
But those dumb-ass kid songs make me happy, and they really helped me bond with Hag.
I didn't tell you guys because I didn't wanna ruin my cool-girl image.
Oh, Deb.
You do not have to worry about that.
None of us think you're cool.
And we won't judge you.
You guys didn't judge me when I confessed I didn't know what an adverb was.
We will always support you.
You're right.
I shouldn't have quit.
I love it.
The show does not start for five minutes.
You can probably make it if you go fastly.
In the tradition of the Greeks at the theater of Dionysus, give [DRAMATIC MUSIC] Deb.
You're here.
Mary Bop's here.
That is, if you'll still have her.
Get in here, you crazy bop.
[ALL LAUGHING] [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING] - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] - Whoo! ALL: Mash, mash, mash the avocado Dash, dash, dash a little And a wiggle to the left, A wiggle to the right Holy moly, it's guacamole Do the guacamole mambo Can you believe it? I know.
I have no idea how he dances around with that monster dick.
I was talking about Deb.
She's amazing up there.
Oh, yeah.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] Still waiting.
[UPBEAT MUSIC] Now I need a teacher volunteer for a super special magic trick.
How about you? Yes, you, silly.
Get on up here.
[APPLAUSE] Hey! Now, what's your name? Mr.
[LAUGHS] - Off you go.
- Okay.
Go, go.
And now I just need one more volunteer.
How about somebody in Mr.
Pearson's class? Huh? Huh? Oh, yeah! You! Yes! - Get on up here.
- Oh, no! No, I can't do this! I'm sorry.
I can't do this.
- What's your name? - Caleb.
Oh, do you like magic, Caleb? Of course he does, because everybody likes magic.
- Right? - Not me! No! I-I do not like magic! It's for witches and heathens! You're going to stick this sword through the box with Mr.
Pearson inside! No, please! Let's count him in on "Whee.
" One, a-two, a ALL: Whee! [SCREAMING] [ALL GASPING] I'm dead! I'm dead! - I died! - You're not dead, Toby.
You're fine.
It is so embarrassing that you just fell off the stage.
I guess my vision didn't mean death.
It was just a tragic end to a magic trick.
I think I hurt my leg.
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! [BELL RINGS] [DRAMATIC MUSIC] It's 3:00, so legally we have to let you go, or it's considered kidnapping.
Do not think this is over.
Hey, I'm sorry, but if an eight-year-old calling you an insecure loser can make you openly cry, then maybe there's something deeper going on.
You're right, Ronan.
Yeah, you've really put things into perspective.
Insecure loser? How would he know that was on the notes? [DRAMATIC MUSIC] That little asshole wrote the notes, didn't he? Yeah.
Ronan, wait! Tell me what I can do to do better.
Oh, my God.
La-la, la-la-la La-la, la-la La-la, la-la-la La-la, la-la-la I'm gonna teach ya La-la, la-la-la La-la, la-la Give you what you need, ah La-la, la-la-la La-la, la-la Said I'm gonna teach ya La-la