Teachers (2016) s03e16 Episode Script

Relationslut

1 BOTH: [GRUNTING, MOANING] [ELECTRONIC MUSIC] [BREATHING HEAVILY] I didn't know a guy with a fanny pack could do things like that.
It's a wilderness pack, and thank you.
Okay.
Bye.
BOTH: [GRUNTING, MOANING] [BREATHING HEAVILY] - That was so much fun.
- I know.
Bye.
- Yep, yeah, yeah, ah.
- Ah.
- [GROANS] - [SIGHS] Thank you.
Okay.
Bye.
[CHUCKLES] Lady Francis [SIGHS] We forgot to have sex.
Uh, that's okay.
This is kind of nice.
- Mm.
- I think I like Pibbis.
- You mean PBS? - Yeah, it's my new favorite.
[ROCK MUSIC] [SIGHS] Caroline, can you go Kristen Stewart somewhere else? You're affecting my makeup vibe.
Sorry.
[BREATHES DEEPLY] - Fine.
- What's wrong? Thanks for asking.
I just feel like I've kind of been in a funk ever since Toby and I broke up.
You know he wears Tevas, right? - Yes.
- Oh.
I mean, I know I'm not ready to be in another relationship, but I also can't keep sitting around at home eating frozen pizza and crying while watching "Hope Floats.
" What a sad ass life.
No offense.
No, it is.
I gotta get out more.
Oh, my God, yes! Now is the time to capitalize on being single.
You've been missing out on a huge opportunity to go out, get effed up, and let loose.
- We are partying tonight.
- Okay, I'm in.
Oh, this works out perfectly.
My macramé instructor got mono, so I'm free.
It was getting dangerous.
She kept falling asleep at the loom.
Do not bring that up tonight.
[ROCK MUSIC] Listen up, everybody.
In six months you'll be middle schoolers.
Who's excited? Well, you shouldn't be, because there you'll see an evil in others you never imagined existed.
Okay, Deb.
This is why Mavis insisted you have a partner for middle school prep.
Guys, I know you might think an old fogey like me never went to middle school, but I wore bell-bottoms and disco boots just like the rest of you, and let me tell you something, middle school is far out.
It is groovy.
Liar.
It's the tenth circle of hell.
Come on, Mrs.
Adler, not another bullying lecture.
It's not as bad as you make it sound.
It happens.
You'll get over it.
- Oh, really? - Yeah, Mrs.
Adler.
As they said in my middle school, you're being a real spaz.
[CHUCKLES] Hey, we're gonna need two redheaded sluts, - and two buttery nipples.
- You got it.
This night is gonna be so extra.
Who are you texting? I'm playing Scrabble with this dude I'm hooking up with, Kyle.
He thinks "furthest" is a word.
[LAUGHS] What an idiot.
[HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING] [GASPS] Yas, girl.
Time to get turnt.
Okay, yeah uh-oh.
- I'ma dance.
- [CHUCKLES] Get it, girl.
Ooh.
How is "fearapy" not a word? I use it like every day.
[CLOONEY'S "WE ARE THE PARTY PEOPLE" PLAYING] We set the bar and we take it way too far From the gentleman.
And break all the rules and make all the fun We ditch out of school for cola and rum [HISSES] Ah.
No chill, just thrills, and we're happy to share We need our tribe to vibe No.
No haters here, we don't troll 'Cause we're so into love We gotta go.
I'm kind of tired.
Can you hear me? No? Okay, bye.
Can you play "Mambo No.
5"? Five! You all thought bullying doesn't have long-term effects.
Well, prepare to be proven wrong.
You ever hear of the IKEA Challenge? Anyone who's had to put their furniture together will tell you it's more of a battle than a challenge.
[CHUCKLES] - Am I right kid - Stop talking.
IKEA gave a school two plants.
Both received the same amount of water and sunlight, but one plant was given compliments, and the other plant was bullied.
And guess what.
The bullied plant wilted, and the complimented plant thrived.
- That's impossible.
- Is it, Ava? We'll see.
You are all going to compliment this plant and verbally abuse this plant until it dies.
Everyone line up.
Ava, you first.
Aw, your leaves are so beautiful [CHUCKLES].
You're ugly.
Kill yourself, you dumb plant.
Great job, Ava.
Mm-mm.
[ROCK MUSIC] - Okay.
- Whoo.
Oh, someone had a good time last night.
- Uh, such a good time.
- You go home with anyone? Of course not.
I could never had a one-night stand.
I'm emotionally attached to the dog who lives across the street and I only see him through a window.
Ugh, you're so basic.
People think women can't have casual sex because they'll get attached, but that is bullshit.
I've had sex with so many people and I've felt nothing.
In my heart, not my puss.
But I've never had sex with anyone without asking about their five-year plan.
Having a one-night stand can be empowering.
We all got needs, girl.
It's time to get yours met.
Speaking of, where did you wander off to last night? - Did you meet someone? - Oh, no.
I hooked up with Kyle again.
[GIGGLES] He's so stupid.
[CHUCKLES] If I eat in front of him, he makes this sound effect, "Har, har, har.
" [GUFFAWS] And then I tell him to stop, and he's like, "What, I'm not doing anything.
" But then if I eat something again he goes, "Hah, hah, hah, hah.
" [LAUGHS] [LAUGHS] Hilarious.
Tell us again.
- Please don't.
- What? It's funny.
I think it's just one of those inside couple jokes.
- Oh, no, we are not a couple.
- Yeah, they're not a couple.
How long have you two been seeing each other? Every night for the past three weeks.
Wait, what? Sounds like someone has a boyfriend.
He's not my boyfriend.
We just like having sex with each other every night.
People don't do that with their boyfriends.
- [FARTS] - [GASPS] Oh, my God.
You are my boyfriend.
Yeah, and you're my girlfriend.
Each year, the pair unites, recognizing each other [MID-TEMPO ROCK MUSIC] [ROCK MUSIC] You lose a pearl between your tits? No, Deb, I just got this push up bra and I wanted to make sure it was delivering.
I'm gonna have my first one-night stand tonight.
Everybody, shut up.
Something horrible happened.
Oh, no, did Jax cheat on Brittany again? - No, I have a boyfriend.
- What? You guys were right.
I accidentally got in a relationship.
- Kyle farted in front of me.
- Oh, that's sweet.
That just shows that his brain releases so much oxytocin around you that his anus relaxed.
Wow, I never thought I'd see the day.
Caroline's slutting it up, and you're settling down.
This is more shocking than seeing a good Adam Sandler movie.
I'm not settling down.
Relationships don't work.
Guys only fall in love with the illusion of you.
Once they figure out who you really are, - they leave.
- What makes you think that? Samuel Howard.
He was the love of my life until I got a massive chin zit - and he dumped me.
- Wait, when did this happen? Sixth grade.
But how about my mom? She's been in hundreds of relationships and literally every guy but Bob left her.
And there's nothing wrong with her.
She's never been over a size six.
This is never gonna work.
Once Kyle sees the real me, he'll leave.
And I am gonna prove it.
That sounds healthy.
Deb, this is not a good look.
The bullied plant is thriving.
It's thriving, Deb.
I don't know what to tell you.
It worked for IKEA.
The bullied plant overcame, like Bill Gates.
Bullying helps.
More people should get bullied.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
You better fix this.
I'm getting scared of Diego.
I made us dinner.
[CHUCKLES] Are those chicken nuggets wrapped in American cheese? Yeah.
I hate salad.
This is who I really am.
- Cool.
- How about we watch more PBS? No.
I always watch "So You Think You're an Actor?" It's where people who wanna be actors, and America gets to vote.
It's hosted by Vivica A.
Fox, Freddie Prinze Jr.
, and some bald guy nobody knows.
Great.
"So You Think You're an Actor.
" Up next, it's Zack.
[LAUGHS] Look at that fat loser.
Either lose 40 pounds or enjoy playing the wacky best friend the rest of your life.
- Chelsea.
- Mm.
That dude needs to lose like 60 pounds.
- [LAUGHS] - [CHUCKLES] Yeah.
- He does.
- Thank you, Mr.
Malkovich.
I chose this monologue because it reminds me of the guilt I felt after my own father died.
Our house burnt down on Christmas morning Oh, wah, and we're supposed to vote for you? Come back when you have a rare genetic disorder.
Your father probably set himself on fire to get away from you.
[LAUGHING] [STIRRING MUSIC PLAYING ON TELEVISION] Oh, man.
[ROCK MUSIC] - So, this is it.
- Nice.
It's really pink.
Thank you.
Why don't you sit here while I go get ready? Sure.
Would you like to watch "Hope Floats" while you wait? No.
I'll be right back.
Oh, my God.
Okay, let's get to it, then.
Um, please remove your clothes, fold them and put them on the dresser, and then you and I can have meaningless sex.
Sure.
[PLAYFUL MUSIC] Go ahead.
What? Proceed.
[ROCK MUSIC] - Hi, babe.
- Hey.
[ELECTRONIC MUSIC] You look beautiful.
When you gotta go, you gotta go.
[MUSIC SLOWS TO A STOP] [FARTING, PLOP] Nice.
[ROCK MUSIC] I did it.
I had a one-night stand.
ALL: [SQUEALING, CHEERING] - I'm so proud of you.
- I knew nothing about him, and he banged me.
Uh, he banged me good.
- Oh.
- It was really amazing.
I initiated missionary and it was a huge hit.
Thanks for opening my eyes, Chelsea.
You know what they say, Open eyes, open vag.
- Nobody says that.
- Well, yeah, okay.
I've decided that this is my year of yes.
There are so many things in my life I've said no to, and I think I've missed out on so much.
So now I'm saying yes to everything.
And I'm starting with Tinder.
Yes, yes, yes, soul patch? Yes, yes, yep.
[DOOR KNOCKING] It's open.
Come on in.
Hi, hello.
[QUIET STORM MUSIC PLAYING] Hi? Who are you? I'm Mary Louise.
Chelsea's letting me crash here because I'm so lonely.
Won't you sit with me? Sure? [CLEARS THROAT] Nice to meet you.
Mm, she won't be back for a while.
Can I give you a massage on your back? I do deep tissue.
- No.
Thanks.
- Oh, but baby won't tell.
Oh, hey, hey, hey.
I'm with Chelsea.
- Ugh, are you kidding me? - Chelsea? What is this? - Is this some kind of setup? - Uh, duh.
And how did you not take the bait? You're like mentally ill.
- I'm mentally ill? - Yeah.
You're the one trying to trick me into cheating.
Well, welcome to me.
I trick people, I lie to people, I set them up.
If you don't like it, then I guess you don't like me.
You don't think I know how you work? - No, I don't.
- On our first date, you told me you had an allergy where you could only eat high-end sushi.
- I knew that wasn't true.
- [GASPS] I didn't take you to SushiSamba because I believed you.
I took you to SushiSamba because I liked you.
- And I know you're not 22.
- [GASPS] Well, you are intentionally trying to push me away.
Because you won't stop liking me.
If I was dating someone like me, I would break up with them in a heartbeat, because I have too much respect for myself to be dating someone like me.
You know what? We're done.
Fine.
Just so you know, this has nothing to do with me and everything to do with you.
You are so insecure.
You don't believe that anyone could ever love you.
Cha.
Well, I'm done trying.
[SOLEMN PIANO MUSIC] See? I knew you would do this.
Well, you win some, you lose some.
Wanna make a fort? [BLUES ROCK MUSIC] Hey, there, you must be Donovan.
Caroline, nice to meet you.
Oh, you're British.
Fancy.
- You think so? - Not really.
Listen, I could spend the next two hours laughing at your lame jokes, which sound more clever because they're said in that posh accent, or we could get down to brass tax.
We gonna bone or what? You can just call me London Bridge, 'cause I'm going down.
Hey, partner, how about a reverse cowgirl? [ELECTRONIC MUSIC] [MOANING] Jeremy, Jeremy.
- [OVERLAPPING CHATTER] - Calm down, everyone.
Yes, Ava? If bullying's so bad, how come the plant's doing so well? - Okay, bullying is bad.
- It's obviously not.
- Ye - We can bully anyone we want, and because of it, they'll do great.
Oh, really? You know, how about we do this experiment for real? What does everyone think about Diego? I'm sure you have something to say.
I'll start you off.
He has a flat head.
- Talk about that.
- Hey.
Diego's head is so flat it could be a pancake.
[LAUGHTER] At least my mom wasn't a teen mom.
Flat head.
You and your mom look like sisters.
Oh, oh, okay, okay.
That's enough.
No.
So, who feels better now? Does anyone still think bullying is great? - No.
- No.
Good.
I think we have time for one more.
What do we think of Mr.
Pearson? - No, no, no, no, no, no.
- Specifically his shirt.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING] Two more circle jerks, please.
- Sure.
- Oh, none for me, thanks.
I need to be clearheaded for my banging tonight.
- Mm.
- Chelsea.
I have slept with so many guys, and I don't even know half of their names.
- It feels really healthy.
- Mm, good for you, girl.
You get yours.
[SIGHS WITH MOUTH CLOSED] - You okay? - No.
I can't stop thinking about Kyle.
I really miss him.
I thought this was what you wanted.
It is.
I don't want a boyfriend.
I don't believe in them, and I stand behind my beliefs, so You know, a very wise woman once told me, Open eyes, open vag.
I'm really smart.
You need to get back out there.
You're right.
Hey, are you a model? Ah, ah, oh, oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Uh-huh.
- Oh, yeah.
- God, you're hot.
Yeah.
[GASPS] Oh, my God.
I'm sorry, I can't.
And that is shocking for me because of your abs.
Oh, my God, your abs.
Did I did I do something wrong? Yes, you're not Kyle.
- ["SNAP OUT OF MY LIFE" PLAYING] - Into my life.
- Snap out of my life - Into my life.
Into my life.
- Snap out of my life, boy - Into my life - Chelsea? - Kyle? - What're you doing? - Um, I just tried hooking up with this insanely hot guy.
I mean, he was gorgeous.
We were making out and touching each other's bodies and I was about to eff him, but I didn't.
- Okay.
- And I felt nothing.
I didn't even wanna blow him.
I only wanna blow you.
[TENDER ACOUSTIC GUITAR MUSIC] I'm so sorry I sabotaged what we had.
You're right about everything.
I am scared.
And I am insecure.
I never let anyone get close to me.
You know, I watched my mom have relationship after relationship that never worked out, and I just kind of thought it'd be the same for me.
I wasn't going anywhere, Chelsea.
I care about you.
I care about you too.
But you're gonna have to be patient with me, because I am still scared this is gonna end in a big ball of flames, but I really wanna try to make this work.
I tried making chicken nuggets wrapped in American cheese the other night.
It didn't taste the same without you.
Duh.
[TENDER PIANO MUSIC] Kyle Luke Perry, will you be my boyfriend? My middle name is Andrew, but yes, I will.
[CHUCKLES] See? Ah, that was so much better than kissing the insanely hot guy I was just with.
- Let's stop talking about him.
- Okay.
Mm, mm.
Here you go, my little plant, drink up.
[MID-TEMPO ROCK MUSIC] - Cecelia? - [GASPS] What the hell are you doing to my plant? I couldn't just let this plant die.
I've been watering it, and I repotted it in nutrient-rich soil.
You almost made an entire class of Donald Trumps, - you stupid idiot.
- [GASPS] Deb.
That's bullying.
[ROCK MUSIC] Jeremy is such a great student.
He's really emerged as a leader in the classroom, and the other children really respect him.
That's so great to hear.
- Can I ask you an unrelated question? - Sure.
I don't know if you remember me, but did I leave a hardhat at your apartment? [ROCK MUSIC]