Ted Lasso (2020) s02e08 Episode Script

Man City

- Hello.
- Hi, Bridget.
Sorry, I'm late.
You know the only thing better than a patient being late is one who doesn't turn up at all.
So where did we leave off? Let's see.
I have it in my notes Oh, yeah! "Ted Lasso is driving me fucking crazy.
" All right.
He refuses to open up.
And when he gets anywhere close to being vulnerable, he fires off a zinger or some obscure reference to something very specific to a 40-year-old white man from middle America.
So he's refusing to be vulnerable, right? Sounds like someone I know.
Oh, stop it.
Me and Coach Lasso are nothing alike.
Sharon, you do the same thing.
He uses humor to deflect, you use your intelligence.
I do not harness my savantish nature to alienate people and isolate myself.
Okay, I hear that.
I doubt you'll make any headway with Coach Lasso until you let your guard down yourself and meet him halfway.
You're right.
Of course, I'm right! Now, what are you going to do? - Mind your dog! - What? - He hates that sweater.
- Up yours! Shit! Call 999.
Someone call 999.
Hi, guys.
So, I actually have a fun, new branding opportunity for a coach.
It's only one public appearance.
It's decent money.
Would be really good for the club.
Would either one of you want to help me out by being a spokesperson for this Right.
Fuck you both.
I respect that we didn't have to say a word.
She gets us.
I'm going to be a spokesperson.
Where's Ted? - He texted.
He has some emergency.
- What? - I didn't ask.
- Why not? It's his emergency.
If he wanted him to know, he would have said.
We have an FA Cup semifinal at Wembley Stadium on Sunday.
- Who's running training? - Me.
- You? - Ted asked.
I don't give a shit.
- Shit, I got to go.
- Where you going? None of your fucking business.
Well… Guess that just leaves us two.
I mean - You can run training.
- Thank you.
That will be great I think Yes, thank you.
Hold on.
All right, man.
Let's go.
Switch it on, boy.
Yeah, let's go, let's go.
Good man.
All you, mate.
That's it, you got it, you got it, you got it.
Hello, Daddy.
Sam… Do you know why I'm calling? No, sir.
I'm calling because Cerithium Oil has just been ordered to stop operating in Nigeria.
Wait, what? Wait, that's incredible! And you were the butterfly whose wings made this happen.
I'm so proud of you, my son.
Thank you, Dad.
I mean, look, I only did it because you inspired me to.
I appreciate you saying that, because it's absolutely true.
I love you.
I love you too.
Okay, bye-bye.
Oi! What you doing? Oh, shit.
- Why didn't you say anything? - It was on my neck.
You know what, sod off.
I got this.
I haven't found a term I like yet for when I tell people I'm taking a shit.
What do you use? I need to reapply my lip liner.
Men don't know what that means and women understand it requires time and focus.
Say fucking yes! Guys, guys! Three dots! Three dots, three dots.
Yes! Yeah! - Wow.
Oh, my God.
- Yes! Captain.
Yeah, bruv? I would like to ask you for a haircut.
What? Are you sure, bruv? Yes, I think I am.
All right.
After training.
- Isaac, Isaac.
- Oh, shit! Oh, now hold on, lady.
You're telling me I could shatter every bone in my body, someone could just drop me off in front of any old hospital, dumped into a garbage can or something, and y'all patch me up and I don't have to pay jack squat? You're damn right.
I tell you, I love this country.
I love this town.
Oh, did you know that Winnie the Pooh was based on a real bear from the London Zoo? Fuck me.
Oh, no… It's worse than I imagined.
She can walk again! It's a miracle! Oh, thank God for science! Hey, Doc! The doc going to be okay, Doc? Yes, her scan seemed fine.
No intracranial hemorrhaging? - No.
- Or subdural hematoma? No.
You seem to know a lot about brain injuries.
Well, I watched a lot of Grey's Anatomy in my early 30s.
And actually, you know, I coached football.
The American kind.
You know? The one with all the concussions and hullabaloo about kneeling and such.
Oh, well, she does have a concussion.
And she's had a couple stitches in her head.
So you'll need to rest for a few days, okay? Apart from that, your husband can take you home.
Oh, he's not my husband.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Ain't no ring on these fingers.
- No, we're just friends.
- Colleagues.
- Friendly colleagues.
- I don't have a husband.
Yeah, but not in a sad way.
You know, she's just fiercely independent.
And I'm perfectly capable of taking myself home.
- See what I mean? - I'm sorry, Dr.
Hospital policy states that head trauma patients, they cannot leave unattended.
And there ain't no policy like a hospital policy, 'cause a hospital policy don't stop.
Let me help you out with that, sweetheart.
- Here you go.
There you go.
- Thank you.
Thank you for being here, Coach Kent.
My sister's at the hospital.
She works in the emergency room.
She can't really pop out 'cause there's always someone coming in with, like, a knife stuck in their eye or a torch stuck up their Yeah, okay, I get it.
She's busy.
Phoebe, would you mind doing some coloring while I talk to your uncle? Yes, Ms.
Can I start with a quick personal question? - Phoebe's dad - Oh, he's a piece of shit.
- Is he alive? - Sorry, yeah.
He's a living piece of shit.
Well, Coach Kent, we've got a bit of an issue with Phoebe's behavior.
- Let's have it.
- She's been swearing.
A lot.
How bad is it? Today she called one of her classmates an "apathetic shitfucker.
" - Are they? - Oh, yes.
But that's not the point.
Do you have any idea where she might be getting this from? Me? Fuck.
This was her fifth offense.
She got warnings, then isolation.
Now I'm afraid she has to go home for the rest of the day.
You know the influence you have on her.
Use it.
Oi! We're leaving.
Sorry for what I said, Ms.
Thank you, Phoebe.
Uncle Roy, can we get ice cream? Fuck no! Sorry.
F-no! Go on, scoot your boot.
Fucking glitter.
By all measures, it's not the cruelest prank ever played, but no one should ever make someone eat a Vaseline sandwich.
But that's Ronnie Fouch for you.
How did you know I was in the hospital? Oh, you left me a bunch of voice notes.
Yeah, 32 to be exact.
- I thought those deleted themselves.
- Yeah, well, I kept all those puppies.
You should listen to some of these.
They are a hoot.
- Please, no, thank you.
- It doesn't matter.
I got them right here.
Ted, it's Sharon.
I can't come to the phone right now.
But if you want to talk my ear off about some bullshit because you're too afraid to properly emote, leave a message.
Beep! - I didn't mean it.
- Come on now.
You meant it a little bit.
In concussio veritas, right? Ain't that the saying? This next one brings Mr.
Stephen Sondheim in the house 'cause it's you singing "Tonight" from West Side Story, but doing both the parts of Tony and Maria at the same time, which is, well, in a word, thrilling.
Here it is.
Tonight, tonight Feel that.
And you do the whole first act.
It's incredible.
What is the big deal? Not now.
My guy, Isaac's an artist with those clippers.
But he only gives you one haircut per season, so you try and save that for a very special occasion.
I'm not using mine until I marry.
Or I get circumcised.
Quite right.
Bro, I can't believe you're wasting your Isaac cut on a blind date.
What if you and this babes only got textual chemistry? Guys… I believe… this could be something very special.
So do we all just stand here Oh, my God! Shut the fuck up, Jan Maas.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
It's like Swan Lake.
Oh! Yeah! Come in! Hi.
What's this about? I'm just in here until my office exists.
It's really no problem.
If I spill anything, I'm next to everything I need to clean up.
This is very, very sad.
What can I do for you, Jamie? Can I get me dad and his two mates on the list for Wembley tickets, please? Of course! Family section? VIP? Put 'em in the car park for all I care.
Just getting him tickets so he'll get off me back.
Fathers and sons.
So tricky.
They should really write songs about it.
- Think they do.
- Yeah, I know.
I was just Anyway… You… Are you close with your dad? Ups and downs, like everyone.
It's complicated.
Mine's not complicated.
He's just a dick.
Every situation, he does exactly what a dick would do.
Not much you can do with that.
Know what I mean? Well, I try to love my dad for who he is and forgive him for who he isn't.
Look, Jamie.
Whatever he may be, he's your father, which makes him a VIP.
Names? James Tartt.
His mates are Denbo Cullens and Bug.
- "Bug"? - Just Bug.
One G.
Like the animal.
It's his legal name.
Changed it.
Because he's small like a bug? No, 'cause he eats bugs for money.
Thanks for that.
Open or closed? Closed.
You get less questions.
- All right.
- Bye.
Thank you for the ice cream, Uncle Roy.
Oi! You can't swear, Phoebe.
But you swear all the time.
And it didn't hold me back 'cause I'm a footballer.
No one cares if we swear.
It's part of the job.
It's encouraged.
But you can't be a doctor, or a teacher, or a Veterinarian for wild animals.
Or a veterinarian for wild animals.
I still don't get how that works.
You treat them in the woods and no one pays you? It doesn't matter.
The point is you can't do that if you swear all the time.
You and I spend a lot of time together, and I love every second.
I weren't trained in how to be around a kid.
And sometimes… I get concerned… that I've been infecting you with the worst parts of me.
That's not true.
Uncle Roy, you teach me great things.
I called that boy a name because he's a bully.
And because of you, I stand up to bullies.
And referees.
And I can do that without swearing.
'Cause you are better than me.
I'm as good as the best you.
Maybe we can stop swearing together.
Fuck you.
I can't.
But you can.
Pretty please.
Okay, Uncle Roy.
Now get out of here.
Can you come in for one game of Princess and Dragon? Can I be the dragon this time? No.
But you better have fixed the wand.
All right.
Tight squeeze, huh? Probably a little bit easier when this thing can fold up, I bet.
Thank you for walking me home.
I'm good from here.
Well, that's the fifth time you've said that.
I'll just set this puppy down and I'll skedaddle.
Yeah, there you go.
Good spot for it.
There you go.
Corporate housing, huh? It does not disappoint, does it? It don't really do anything.
I guess that's part of the idea, ain't it? What we got back here? Hey.
All right.
Home entertainment center.
Well, you know what, I'll just say that it's fine and move on.
It's temporary.
Yeah, well, you know, what isn't, right? - Would you like some tea? - Oh, hell no.
No, I mean no, thank you.
Sorry, just don't care for that garbage.
I have water and I have wine.
Chicken and the egg, huh? Yeah.
I'll take some water.
That'd be great.
Tap okay? Oh, yeah.
No, I like my water like Kyrie Irving likes his Earth.
So, you gonna get a new bike, or you wanna lay off riding for a bit? I don't know.
I haven't thought about it.
Well, I hope you get back on that horse.
And by horse, I mean bicycle.
Although how cool would it be if you started riding a horse to work? Everybody starts calling you "Dr.
Sharon Horsewoman" or You know, becomes your hook.
I really should get some rest.
Hey, 10-4, good buddy.
Good colleague.
Delicious as always.
Yeah, all right, no, I'll let you go here, and You just give me a holler if you need anything.
You know, you had quite the scare today.
And my job is teaching people how to overcome what happened to me.
I'm fine, thank you.
Goodbye, Coach Lasso.
Yeah, all right now, Doc.
Take care.
Jesus! Hello.
Why are you picking up right now? You were supposed to be in there five minutes ago.
I can't go in.
Oh, come on.
You've got this.
Get in there.
Either it's gonna be the most amazing night or it's gonna be so shit that you can punish me for it for the rest of our friendship.
I do like the sound of that.
I'm gonna hang up 'cause you're gonna go, yeah? You look so beautiful I can't bear it.
Sam! - Hi.
- Well, that's a coincidence.
What's What's wrong? What? Oh, God.
Yeah, I'm fi I'm just I'm just a little bit nervous 'cause I'm meeting someone.
Okay, well, I Don't be nervous, 'cause you look stunning as always.
Thank you, Sam.
Oh, God, don't let me get in the way of - You have a lovely evening.
- Yes.
Thank you.
You too.
Great haircut.
- Oh.
Well, thank you.
- Yes.
That's just weird.
Keeley says hi.
Oh… tell her I say hello.
Oh, shit! - What? - Shit.
- What? - Shit.
- What? What? What? - Shit.
God, this can't be happening! - But it is.
It's - I knew I shouldn't have come in here.
- But you did.
You d - No.
We can't I'm your boss.
You are way too young.
I mean, you're what, like, 24? - I'm I'm 21.
- Oh, my God.
I'm a pedophile.
I feel I've groomed you.
All these messages.
I was grooming you! You didn't groom me, okay? We didn't know who we were.
Okay, but but now we do, and this is not happening.
No, this can't happen.
And this never happened, okay? Wait.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
We We can We can still have - Sorry.
- Hello.
Listen, we can still have dinner.
Okay? It doesn't have to be a date.
We It can just be a funny coincidence that we both happened to turn up to the same fabulous restaurant, both of us alone… and hungry.
That can happen.
Right? I mean, I am quite hungry.
…to Lust Conquers All Stars.
Our winning couples from previous seasons will put their love to the test.
Will it be last season's winners Ellie and Danthony, or season one's winners… Hello, Coach Lasso.
Hey, Doc.
So tonight I'm just gonna keep checking in on you every 20 minutes.
It's standard concussion protocol, but I'm gonna change my voice every time I call you so it stays exciting for you.
Have you been feeling dizzy or nauseous? That's what it sounds like when you laugh.
I'm fine, Coach Lasso.
Then I'll talk to you in twenty minutes.
Sling Blade.
Hey, Ted… Yes.
I was scared today.
Really scared.
I love riding my bike.
It's my happy place.
And after today, I was worried I'll be too scared to enjoy riding again.
I would say that fear's a lot like underwear.
No, I don't want to discuss it.
I don't need a pep talk.
Ted, I just wanted to tell you how I was feeling.
Well, I appreciate it.
Means a lot.
And I'm glad I did it.
Good luck this weekend.
Okay, A-C-M, I don't know who you are, but I am coming after your A-S-S.
Let's go.
All right.
Oh, God.
It's a bottomless pit.
I commend you.
Usually women use those small handheld purses on dates.
- What do they call it? - A clutch.
No, I'd rather dig for dinosaur bones rather than have one of those bags you can't fit your phone in.
- There you go.
- And this was not a date.
I know.
So… can we not do this again sometime? I'm going in alone.
No, no.
Nev never again, Sam.
I mean it.
I have to mean it.
Yeah, yeah, of course.
You're right.
- Besides, we have a big game on Sunday.
- Right.
We both need our rest.
- Good night.
- Thank you.
Oh, bloody hell.
Bloody hell.
Focus up.
All right, fellas, I want you to close your eyes.
Look around.
You know.
I mean, open them up and take it all in.
But remember, this right behind me, just a regular old football pitch.
You take away the stadium and all the stands, I think you'll find it's the same size as our pitch back home on Nelson Road.
- Not exactly.
- What's that? It's 500 square yards bigger.
- Really? The pitches aren't the same size? - No.
- This is the biggest pitch in the country.
- Huge advantage for City.
Boy, oh, boy.
This sport has the loosiest-goosiest rules of all.
Tough to get my head around sometimes.
All right.
It's bigger.
And, look, I know y'all grew up watching games on this field, so you're probably a little nervous.
Shoot, I know I got goose bumps.
I remember being a little kid, sitting in front of the television and watching Queen perform right over there during Live Aid.
- No, you didn't.
- That was old Wembley.
That field was even bigger.
It doesn't matter.
Point is, guys, we're here now, okay? At this Wembley.
The one that Freddie Mercury never stepped foot in.
And this is our day to make history.
And I believe we're gonna do just that.
Go ahead, take one more glance, then let's head back in.
We got work to do.
Richmond! City! City! - City! - City! Yes! Come on! Look at this.
Not bad, is it? Well, well, well.
Hey, these are bang tidy seats these, man.
That's what you get when your son's playing in the semifinals.
It's not for the right fucking team, but what can you do, eh? Here you are.
Get on that, kiddo.
We win this match, we get Richmond tattoos.
Already got one.
- Where? - Mind your fucking business.
I'm just not sure how this can… What about if they have the game of their lives? Oh, yeah.
I was hoping for that.
You good, Coach? Oh, yeah.
I'm just doing some breathing exercises that Doc taught me, that's all.
Hope it's not stomach problems again.
Tell me you didn't eat the prawn cocktail.
No, never.
Guys, it's time.
Here we go.
Come on.
Hey, fellas, hold on a sec.
I need to tell you all something.
When I left the match against Tottenham, it it wasn't 'cause, you know, my stomach was bothering me.
It was 'cause I had a panic attack.
I've been having them from time to time as of late, and I'm working on it.
But I just want you all to know the truth.
We good? - Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.
Of course.
Okay, all right.
All right, let's go get 'em.
- Richmond on three.
- Wait! I need to confess something too.
I messed up the time zones on our transfer deadline, which is why we didn't sign up that amazing fullback from Brazil.
Oh, my God.
- That's okay.
- Okay.
- Yeah, okay.
- All good.
- Okay.
- That's all right.
Here we go.
I don't read the scouting reports you guys write.
I've lied every time they've come up.
They're boring, and I won't do it.
I appreciate that.
I pretend to get ideas in the moment, but they're just good ideas I've had for months.
I just time them to look spontaneous.
It's a good move.
Illusion of the first time.
There was one game this season where I was accidentally on mushrooms.
"Accidentally"? I'd been at Jane's house, and I drank tea from the wrong pot.
The Port Vale match? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
It won't happen again.
Thanks, guys.
Thank you.
- All right, let's go kick their butts.
- Butts on three.
- Works for me.
One, two, three.
- Butts! You all fancy now, drinking tea, huh? I didn't know how to tell you.
Wembley Stadium, the Taj Mahal of English football.
The setting for every young footballer's dreams.
A sporting battlefield, pockmarked with the footprints of giants.
Hoping to add another upset to this fabled ground's storied list, humble AFC Richmond.
Never won a major trophy.
The last London club to make their Wembley debut.
Renewing hostilities against the undisputed greatest team in the land, the mighty Manchester City.
It was only 11 months ago this Richmond side were relegated by City in heartbreaking fashion.
Jamie Tartt was a City player then, and he helped send Richmond down.
Then City sent him down the M40, and he's a Greyhound again.
Come on! Come on! City are after another trophy.
Richmond are after revenge.
It's ready to blow, it's under the arch, it's Wembley Stadium.
It's the FA Cup semifinal, and it starts now.
- Goal Manchester City! - Fuck! No! - How's that not offside? - 'Cause he was only passively offside.
I don't get this frigging rule still.
That's all right.
- We're okay, guys! - It's a corner kick for City.
And a goal! - Fuck! - It's 2-nil.
Oh, 2-nil! Shit! This free kick could be dangerous.
And it is.
It's 3-nil.
They'll be searching for solutions on the Richmond bench.
Defend! - We've got to go three attackers - No.
It's never too late to park the bus.
- It is too late.
- Guys, one at a time, please.
Okay, don't worry about it.
Hey, it's okay.
Can Richmond turn it around in the second half? Oh, no.
It's an own goal.
And it's 4-nil.
Come on, boys! You can do better than this! This is when you start looking for someone to blame.
Hey, ref! Clean the shit out of your eyes, you dickless wonder.
Oh, no.
Never mess with Mike Dean.
Can't say that, mate.
I'm sorry.
There you go.
Sorry about that, Mike.
We all know you have a penis.
I've been called worse.
All right, here we go! We got it! And it's a penalty.
- Referee! - What was it? What is that? And City remove any shred of doubt to the outcome of this match.
If this was a fight, they would stop it.
Frankly, Arlo, all fights should be stopped before they even start.
God fucking damn it.
Come on now, Coach.
It is what it is.
It is what it is.
Hey, Jamie! You can score one now.
Fill your boots! Go on! The only nice thing I can say about Richmond today is that Sam Obisanya's hair looks absolutely fantastic.
City move on to play Leicester in the final.
And you can be sure Richmond's disappointment hangs heaviest on the head of a devastated Jamie Tartt.
It's on me arse.
All right.
So… So, Sam, how did it feel to lose that badly out there today? Well, it's tough.
It's tough.
I feel sorry that we let the fans down.
There's nothing you can say.
It is what it is.
It's a write-off.
We start again tomorrow.
You have a visitor.
Says he's your father.
Are you decent? I told ya.
Oh, gentlemen! Gentlemen! Hey, it's a tough one, lads.
It's a tough one, but no shame to it, 'cause, you know, we only ever beat everybody we play.
So you pups had no chance.
And there he is, my son.
My own flesh and blood.
Poor Jamie, my son.
Now, maybe I'm thinking his heart's still in Manchester and that's why he missed that sitter in the first half.
You absolutely balled it.
You balled it.
What were you thinking? I'm only kidding, hey.
Hey, look, do us a favor and get Denbo and Bug past security.
They wanna go on the pitch, take a few snaps, yeah? I'd rather 'em not.
Yeah, they just want to look around.
It'll only take a second.
I'd rather 'em not.
What? What, you're not gonna all go little moody bitch just 'cause you got your arse served to you on a plate, are ya? Don't speak to me like that.
Don't speak to me like that.
Don't speak to me like that.
Okay, well, let's see if you can hear this.
You know that ickle TV show you made? You made it easier for Manchester City to kick you to the curb.
And look where you are now.
Twaddling about with a bunch of amateurs.
No offense, no offense.
Don't turn your back on me, you pussy.
Oh, yeah.
You can have that one for free.
- Time to go.
- You wanna go? Let's have it.
- Don't you forget where you came from.
- Watch the door.
Hello, Coach Lasso.
Sorry about the loss.
Oh, and thank you for the new bicycle.
It's very kind, but unnecessary.
Coach Lasso? My father killed himself when I was 16.
That happened to me and to my mom.
I'm so sorry, Ted.
And look, I don't know if that's where maybe some of my issues stem from.
No, it definitely is.
That makes sense.
Do you want to talk about it now? No.
No, not right now.
I need to get back inside to the team.
I just wanted you to know.
Okay, thank you for telling me, Ted.
Please call if you need me.
I will.
I will, I'm sorry.
I will.
It's okay.
Good night, Ted.
Hey, Coach! Yeah? You good? Oh, yeah.
Yeah, no I just had a quick phone call.
- That was a rough night, huh? - Yeah.
Okay, what do you What do you say we make like Schreiber and Liev, huh? About that… I don't want to ride back with you guys.
I'd rather go shake this off.
Yeah, sure, no.
Of course.
You wanna join me? Well, you know I promised Henry I'd FaceTime him.
They had a recital at his school, and I wanna hear how it went.
I'll take a rain check.
All right? Yeah.
Hey, hey, just be careful out there, all right? - Yeah.
- Okay.
And don't forget tomorrow.
It's your turn for coffee at the game film.
- Yeah.
- Bright and early.
Hey, Coach, bird by bird.
Not that kind of bird, but… Earlier, Manchester City routed AFC Richmond in the FA Cup 5-nil with a parade of fantastic goals.
And Goliath has put David back in his place.
Here's Sam Obisanya postgame.
Well well, it's it's tough.
It's tough… I feel sorry that we let the fans down.
We lost.
Very badly.
But we tried.
We gave it everything we had, and for me, that is okay because what's worse is not to try at all.
To try is scary, you know, because you can end up losing a lot.
But you have to put your heart out there.
Otherwise, what's the point? Thank you.
Why did you send me your address? For next time.

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