Ted Lasso (2020) s02e09 Episode Script

Beard After Hours

I don't wanna ride back with you guys.
Rather go shake this off.
Yeah, sure.
No, of course.
Hey, hey.
Just Be careful out there, all right? Yeah? Okay.
And don't forget, tomorrow it's your turn for coffee at the game film, all right? - Yeah.
- Bright and early.
Hey, Coach.
Bird by bird.
Not that kind of bird.
Blue moon You saw me standing alone Without a dream in my heart Without a love of my own Mind the gap.
This is the southbound metropolitan line train to Aldgate.
Doors closing.
Stand clear of the doors, please.
It was moment after moment like this.
A real David versus Goliath match, but where Goliath just curb-stomped David in the back of the skull like in that Ed Norton movie.
Moonrise Kingdom? I think that's it, yeah.
Well, for me, the match was a real Cinderella story.
If her glass slipper broke and sliced her Achilles tendon.
Thierry, was this just an off day for the players? Or do we lay the blame on the coaching staff? 100% coaching staff.
Those are good footballers.
It just felt like Richmond had no plan.
- And what about Coach Beard? - What about him, indeed.
Coach Beard knew an aggressive offensive strategy was a mistake.
He should not have let Ted, Nathan and Roy convince him otherwise.
Great point, Thierry.
Coach Beard is Ted Lasso's number two.
He's supposed to challenge him, not just be a sniveling lackey.
Look, Gary, the man has no va-va-voom.
Does anything say "sad, single man" more than a chessboard coffee table? I know I'm French and expected to say things like this, but I hate Coach Beard.
Shut up, Thierry Henry.
After Richard Montlaur earned himself a red card, things went from bad to worse.
Ted joining you? No.
- Jane coming? - We broke up.
She accused me of being jealous.
Because I told her it's hard to know where I stand, which it is, because she never says "I love you.
" - Did you say it to her? - I did.
- And she didn't say it back.
- She did not.
Thank you for helping me relive that.
Well, you must feel awful.
Reason is powerless in the expression of love.
I meant about the match.
What the hell was your thinking behind those tactics? - Mae.
- All right.
Enjoy your beer.
But come on.
There's no way you thought coming out on the attack was a good idea.
You basically left Zoreaux back there to defend by himself.
In a semifinal… A semifinal! Oi, Beard.
Dropped your keys.
- Rough match, mate.
- We thought you needed a hug.
- I thought you needed a hug.
- Do you wanna talk about it? We can talk and drink as long as we talk about anything but the game and drink.
- Have you ever been to Vegas? - What's Ted like behind closed doors? How do you cope knowing the universe is infinite but your consciousness can end in a second? I've been to Vegas many times.
One night is good, two nights is perfect, three is too many.
Ted is a man.
Just a man.
And as for the fragility of life, I'm so glad someone finally asked.
Because, yeah, I got a few thoughts.
And so, in conclusion, if this is all indeed a simulation, which everything in my experience suggests that it is, then all we can do is tip our caps to the rascal pulling the strings.
That's it, people.
Just like my legs after a date with a guy who kept correcting me, we're closed.
You went on a date with Richard? I think you'll find, Mae, it was two dates.
Coffee was a date.
Where to next? Bed.
This is England, mate.
Pubs shut at 11:30.
Well, I'm not ready for the night to end.
Any ideas? What about Bones & Honey? As if.
Private club, very swanky, impossible to get in.
Yeah, I heard they once turned away Cher.
Would you believe They did such a thing? Well… Why don't we just head over there and see what happens? I think there's a dress code.
Mae, I love you! Taxi! - Welcome back, darling.
- Thank you.
Good evening.
Do we know each other? I don't think we do, sir.
May I see your membership card? University of Barcelona, class of 2004? I went to Warwick, 2007.
Sorry, you looked older.
Are you a member here? Here? No.
God, no.
Well, if you're not a member, I'm afraid you can't come in.
This is Bones & Honey.
You are very rude.
What is your name? My name is Sarah Coombes.
What is your name? None of my business.
Bones & Honey, may I help you? Do you mind? Speak.
Hello, this is the fire brigade.
It's very important that we get in touch with - Sarah Coombes.
- Sarah Coombes.
That's you.
Well, I'm very sorry, madam, but your flat is on fire.
You need to come down here immediately.
- Now what? - Act cool.
Orion's Belt! Amazing.
We're walking.
We're walking.
You did it.
You did what Cher couldn't do.
I actually feel bad for Sarah Coombes.
Think how excited she'll be when she realizes that her place didn't actually burn down.
Tomorrow will be the most beautiful day of Sarah Coombes's life.
Her apartment will look more amazing to her than any place any of us have ever lived.
Here we go.
Okay, gentlemen, plan of attack.
What's wrong? I don't think we belong here.
Knock that shit off.
We belong.
If you could be anywhere, where would you wanna be? Here, right? Then act like it.
Now who wants an overpriced beer? Who wants an overpriced beer that I'm paying for? Find us a spot.
And feel free to strut.
What can I get you, sir? - Four beers, please.
- Would you like them in glass, sir? No.
Relax, fella.
It's just angles.
Maybe if you'd paid attention in trig, you'd do better.
Shall we have a friendly wager on this shot? Say, 20 quid? Hold on.
What's trig? Trigonometry.
Yeah? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Sorry, but where did you guys study? There you are, lads.
Thought I'd lost you.
Then where would I be? Sad and alone.
Evening, gents.
I see you've met my protégés.
I'm Professor Declan Patrick Aloysius MacManus.
At your service.
I assure you, the pleasure is mine.
But, I must tell you, these lads here were the best of the best at Oxford itself.
And now, we're just having a wee liquid reunion, aren't we? - Oxford? - Yeah, what were you professor of? Economics and management, till I retired.
At Oxford.
That is correct.
We were at Oxford.
Christ Church.
Which college were you? Christ Church? Our main rivals.
I'm a Merton man, myself.
Where'd you live? Right across from the chapel.
Nothing like waking up every morning to the sound of the Dobson Organ at 8:15, am I right? You Merton motherfucker.
How are you, sir? When did you leave? 2015.
The year we beat Cambridge in the boat race by six and a half lengths, lest we forget.
I was on that crew.
I was the cox.
Yes, you were, you bastard.
Harry Gill is here! Harry Gill, in this pub! Hey! Marvelous.
Professor McGonagall taught us a lot.
But the main thing he taught us was the value of money.
You're on.
I got it.
I got it.
I've got five.
Save one for a kebab.
Eccentric geniuses.
17, 18, 19, 20.
How's that for trigonometry? We got there.
Yes! - Fair play! - Good on you.
Next round is on us.
Anything you like.
- Three big boots of ale? - This guy.
How'd you know all that stuff about Oxford? I dated a professor at Oxford.
And I listen more than I talk.
I'll be right back.
What a legend you are! Hard to forget a game like that.
You know what will help? Going to see the woman you love.
But it's clear to me that Coach Beard doesn't think he's worthy of Jane.
I know.
Beard's self-esteem is so low, he will need a pep talk to kill himself, and I would like to give that pep talk.
Shut up, Thierry Henry.
Goddamn fucking shit! Is there a problem here? Yeah.
This nail on your faux Persian flea market coffee table just tore my pants.
Sir, can I see your membership card, please? My friends are in there.
Goddamn it.
I'm sure you know that your trousers are ripped.
They're designed that way.
To make it easier for people to kiss my ass.
Be careful.
We have decency laws in England.
You'll get arrested.
I wasn't aware the laws were so restrictive here.
Oh, yeah.
We're a repressed nation.
One exposed arse can bring down the monarchy itself.
How dare you speak of Prince Andrew that way.
I could fix those for you.
I live over there.
In that pointy building? No.
Take your trousers off.
You're not in charge of me.
I'll give you something to wear in the meantime.
People come and go from my life.
I've always kept a pair of their trousers.
This rack is like my memoirs.
These should fit.
Whose were these? An old lover.
Where's he now? Dead.
You dropped your keys.
You ever look back on a relationship and regret it had ended? Been doing it all day.
I've loved every man in my life, but I don't think I regret a single one of those relationships ending.
In all my happiest memories, I'm single.
That troubles me.
Have you ever been in love? I mean, there's someone in my life now who… maybe it's chemicals or maybe it's pheromones, but… I wanna be with her all the time.
Is that love, or do I just have a problem? Why can't it be both? Could you get that? It says, "Do not answer.
" It's a joke.
Oi, babe, I'm here, but I forgot my keys.
Who the fuck are you? I'm Beard.
He's just a trouserless man I met at Bones & Honey.
What the fuck? Oi, shithead! I'm gonna punch your fucking teeth out your face and feed 'em to your arsehole like they're candy.
Oh, shit.
- You could've warned me.
- Don't mind him.
He's just a little jealous.
Open the fucking door.
You're a dead man.
Where the fuck is he? Nowhere to go.
Oi! Still got it! Oi, he hasn't tapped in.
We're not going anywhere until you tap in.
Of course, of course, of course.
My pleasure.
Excuse me, madam.
Piss off, you fucking scrounger.
Good evening, sir.
Are you staying with us tonight? No.
No, I am not.
Have a good evening.
Could I please use the phone? The hotel phones are just for guests, I'm afraid, sir.
Okay then.
- Could I please use your phone? - My personal phone? Yes, I lost my phone and my wallet, and I'm just trying to get back home.
And what would you be using my personal phone for, sir? Booking a cab.
I'm not falling for that.
I'm not trying to trick you.
Exactly what a trickster would say.
I would just go through my own account, you know.
That's how it starts, isn't it? First you book a cab.
Next thing I know, you've geolinked my phone to your network and all of a sudden, you and fake Melania have downloaded all my bank details and you're using my identity to shift more poppy seeds to your own private island.
Not tonight.
I've been in this game too long now.
- What game? - You won't touch my phone.
Within seconds, you'll have my mother's maiden name, all my cryptocurrencies.
Not that I have any.
Next thing I know, my hard drive is being confiscated by MI5 for illegal images that you've tricked me into downloading.
Oh, no.
You'll not make a fool of me.
Not you.
Not a dead ringer for Dame Judi Dench.
Not anyone.
Shame on you, sir! Good night.
Hey, I'm sorry to bother you guys.
Just trying to get home and I lost my phone.
You guys are about to save my life.
Ah, shit.
Well, look who it isn't.
Good to see you again, Mr.
Sorry about before.
Why don't I let you get back to what you were doing It's okay.
There's no rush.
I tell you what, lads.
Why don't we teach Coach here, in his magic trousers… exactly what football's all about.
Because it doesn't happen on the pitch.
It happens on the street.
You get me? Or… Get him! Come on! Well, it looks like Beard's done for, doesn't it? Gary, part of me thinks Beard really wanted to get beat up tonight.
Absolutely, Thierry.
Clearly he'd rather punish himself than accept the love and support of the people around him.
I'm beginning to think Coach Beard hates himself.
Shut up, Thierry Henry.
Yeah! Huh, mate? - Punch him again.
- Prick! You're nothing! Gotcha! Stay down! Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
- I told you to stay - Fellas! How about we call this a draw? You had to push it, didn't ya? Say good night, son.
Ah, man.
Come on.
Nothing happened.
She was just gonna fix my pants.
No, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
You left these at our flat.
Been trying to find ya.
Well, that's nice.
No, I'm sorry I lost my temper.
Mary explained what happened.
The truth is we're having a baby.
And it's made me realize how precious she is to me, and the thought that she was cheating on me was just too much.
But I also realize that maybe I'm more paranoid than most when it comes to that.
'Cause I used to cheat in the past.
But I've really worked on it.
- I'm in a really good place now.
- That's great.
Yeah, cheers.
Anyway, I just wanted to give you your stuff back.
Mary says she's keeping your trousers though.
It's kind of her thing.
She said you can keep those.
- Thank you.
- Well, they look good on you.
I know.
Sorry about the shit game today.
And I'm not even a Richmond fan, but, mamma mia, that was tough to watch.
I think you dropped those.
All right.
You be lucky, yeah? I'm trying.
Oh, no.
No, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Oh, no.
No, no, no.
I love you too.
I love you too! No, no, no, no, no, no, no! No! No! No! Oi, samurai! We got a limo We got a limo - Get in! Come on! - Look, we got a limo! They were really nice guys in the end.
And so bad at pool.
We told them who we really were, and they still invited us to their country estate for Easter.
I don't know what I'm gonna wear.
We made so much money off them, we treated ourself to a limo! - Where to, sir? - Anywhere you want.
This night will never end.
Home, please.
Thanks for a wicked night.
You're gonna go to this address and you're gonna tell Renee that Beard said it was okay.
Thanks, guys.
Just one Cornetto Give it to me Delicious ice cream Of Italy No.
No! Are you there, God? It's me, Margaret's little boy.
Longtime listener, first-time caller.
And I know you're probably busy, 'cause you got bigger fish to multiply and then fry.
As you do.
But there's this girl.
There's this woman, Jane.
Last name Payne.
But you probably know that, but if you wanted to look her up.
And I care for her, deeply.
I could've been with her tonight, but I ended up with you.
And I am under no illusions that she could solve what ails me.
But when I'm with her, the world just feels… more interesting.
What is this place? Here.
- Well, knock then.
- Why don't you knock? Just knock.
What? Are you Renee? Who's asking? Coach Beard sent us.
Turn 'em on.
Walk this way.
Go on.
Come on.
Come on.
Oh, my God.
It's beautiful.
Is that heaven? No.
That's Nelson Road.
Wave to the crowd! Wave to the crowd! Yeah! Fuck yes! Try this on.
- They do food here? - For me, yeah.
- Where the fuck is he? - If Beard's not coming, I'll get coffees.
Now, hold on a second.
He'll be here.
Beard's like the mailman, you know? He always delivers and he looks great in shorts.
Morning, fellas.
- What'd I tell you? - Here you go.
Flat white.
Coffee, black.
Peppermint latte.
Thank you, Coach.
You… Everything all right, you know? Yeah.
Just slept too late.
Must've fell off the bed.
Oh, right.
Yeah, no.
That's a thing.
Okay, who's ready to watch yesterday's match? - No.
- I've actually watched it plenty.
- Don't think we should.
We don't need to.
- Hey, now, look.
I know, I know, I know.
- But this is how we get better, all right? - Fine.
'Cause sometimes, every once in a blue moon, there is a game so awful, so… Dog shit? Haunting? A catastrophe of epic proportions.
That the only way to watch it back is at ten times the speed and with the Benny Hill theme music playing under it.
Here we go.
Fucking hell.
Fucking hell.

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