Ted Lasso (2020) s02e10 Episode Script

No Weddings and a Funeral

The last time I spent this long in bed, was because I strained a hamstring.
Should we… tell people about us? I'm enjoying the secrecy.
Sneaking around at work.
Doesn't it feel scandalous and fun? No.
It's so stressful.
I'm going gray.
I have not seen one gray hair anywhere.
It's not on my head.
It's not down there.
It's in my armpits.
See? Problem solved.
You know, if we told people about us, then I could do this… in public.
You are not gonna let this one go, are you? No, I am not.
You know, we have the weekend off.
Then I'm in.
-Where are we going? -How about Greece? Oh, my God, Mother! Excellent, that's where my spare keys went.
Sam, you remember my mother? It's a pleasure to formally meet you, Deborah.
I sincerely wish I wasn't in my boxers right now.
Boxer briefs.
And like clunky exposition, they leave very little to the imagination.
I am so sorry.
Right, okay, that's all the pleasantries out of the way.
So come on, Mother.
What's my father done this time? He died.
So where do you think her father is right now? In the drawer of a funeral home.
I mean, like, spiritually.
In the drawer of a funeral home.
You know, growing up, I used to believe that if you did good things, you went to heaven.
You did bad things, you went to hell.
Nowadays, I know we all just do both.
So wherever he is, I hope he's happy.
I like to imagine a heaven where animals are in charge, and humans are the pets.
I'd like to spend eternity curled up in front of a fire at Cindy Clawford's feet.
I'd like to be reincarnated as a tiger… and then ravage anyone who looked at me wrong.
You know, if you weigh a person's body right after death, it's 21.
3 grams lighter, and some say that's the weight of the soul.
Whoever figured that out clearly weighed someone, murdered them, then weighed them again.
You live, you die, you're done.
Good night.
-He's on his period.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oi, so we're all going to this funeral as a team.
So that means ties, shirts… -and no trainers.
-What? Okay.
Well, what if they're, like, really nice Yeezys? -Yeah.
-What color? Bright red.
Okay, I'll wear some dress shoes.
Where do you get dress shoes? I don't have time to stand in line at midnight and wait till morning to buy new shoes.
You don't have to do that for shoes like these, mate.
Nobody wants them.
Oh, my God! This fucking song! Mother, turn it off! Hang on! Hang on, sausage.
I can't hear you.
Of course you can't fucking hear me.
-What did you want? -Why are you playing that song? I'm sorry.
I like to have it playing in every room in the house when I wake up.
It just makes me feel happy.
Well, you shouldn't feel happy today.
You should feel happy every day, Rebecca.
Do you want to talk about that? No-- I am happy.
I don't need to talk about anything.
You know, the old Rebecca used to love that song.
Yeah, well, the whole world used to love that song.
Then we heard it ad nauseam, and now we're over it.
Well, I don't work that way.
Once I love something, I love it forever.
You know, you can change this room to whatever you want.
You don't need to keep it like this for me.
No, it reminds me of when we were close.
I want it that way.
Now I know what song I want to play next.
Oh, no! Good morning, Stinky.
What the hell are you thinking? Just wanted to see if I could still do it.
Those Tracy Anderson workouts are having the right effect.
Nora, hurry up! I'm taking my time and being careful.
When I was your age, I could do this in seconds.
That's true.
While drunk, by the way.
Florence, darling, it's been ages.
-Thank you for coming.
Nora and I are here for anything you need, okay? Isn't that right, Nora? -Nora! -Oh, God.
I'm okay.
Funerals are weird, aren't they? Yeah.
They're like a party, but for sad people.
Like where everyone knows they have to go and be sad.
Maybe you're not sad, but you have to go and be sad.
I think that's weird.
Yeah, they're horrible.
Roy, if you die, do you want to be buried or cremated? Like, if you were hit by a bus today, what do I do? Go after the bus driver and make him pay for what he did to me.
Avenge me, Keeley.
Avenge me! This funeral is really messing with your head, innit? I found this company, and they bury you in a biodegradable sack.
So when your body decomposes, it fertilizes the seeds of a fruit tree.
That's what I want.
Because then you and all the people that love me can eat the fruit from my tree.
That is fucking mental.
Coming from the guy that wants me to ruin a bus driver's life just 'cause he killed you swerving to avoid a child.
I didn't know about the fucking child.
I just like the idea that my death can nourish people.
With fruit made from your rotting corpse? I wouldn't eat that.
But you'll eat a kebab that you find a hair in? It's fine if you know who the hair is from.
That's part of the deal.
He's a lovely bloke.
-You're not really angry, are you? -Yes, I actually am.
And now we have to go to a funeral and act sad.
Well, now I am sad.
We're so sorry for your loss.
Oh, my goodness.
I can't believe you made it.
-Of course.
-Dad always loved you both.
Who are they? I've no idea.
My darling, Deborah.
My sincerest condolences.
Didn't think you were coming.
Rebecca, Paul was family.
No, I mean because you weren't invited.
It's lovely to see you, Rupie.
And introducing Diane.
What a chubby baby.
Congratulations, Mother.
You've just fat-shamed a baby to tears.
Come here.
Et voilà, the magic touch.
It's not magic.
I ate the placenta raw, and she knows it.
Yeah, I had all the TVs in the house removed.
I just sit around and watch them all day.
How lovely.
Excuse me.
-My condolences.
-Thank you, Leslie.
Sorry, Ms.
Sorry for your loss.
-How many of them came? -All of them.
And none of them are wearing trainers.
That's how much they care about you.
-My feet are killing me, man.
-We'll sit down in a minute, mate.
Deep breaths, mate.
And Colin, and Isaac, and Nathan.
Thank you all so much for coming.
I'm sorry for your loss.
Yeah, sorry for your loss.
Yes-- Fathers are the training wheels on the bikes of… Sorry-- I just didn't want to say what they said, so I-- Sorry for your loss.
Oh, decrepit shitbag.
Oh, come on, Sass.
Let's let bygones be bygones, eh? I've got a daughter now.
I've changed.
Oh, right.
Having a daughter erases all the shitty things you've done to women in your lifetime.
Rupert, I think about your death every single day.
I can't wait.
I'm gonna wear red to your funeral.
I will be a beacon of joy to the other three people there.
Always a pleasure, Sassy.
Fuck off and die, Rupert.
Good morning, Ted.
Ted, you're-- Ted, you're okay.
Just breathe.
Just focus on your 4-7-8 breathing.
You can.
Come on.
Just breathe.
I'm on my way.
That baby sucks.
You don't have to say that for me.
I'm not just saying it.
I'm serious.
That baby's whack.
I hate it.
-I love you.
-I love you too.
-I'm here for you, whatever you need.
-I know.
I won't leave your side.
-Jones! -Sassy! Oh, my God! Hi! I'm used to it.
Sorry for your loss.
-You look amazing! -Good to see you.
Thank you.
You're fine.
Keep walking.
I guess we're supposed to be sad.
Yeah, yeah.
Funerals are so weird.
I was literally talking about that earlier.
-Do you also wanna be a tree when you die? -Hell yeah.
Or a really stupid dog.
Either one is a great life.
So where's Ted? -Sassy and Ted, sitting in a tree.
-Oh, God.
-Shut up, you little troll.
I'm sorry.
I say mean things to beautiful women.
Thanks, Sass.
By the way, record scratch, but I think Rebecca is secretly dating someone.
-What? -For, like, weeks.
Now, is today an inappropriate day to inquire/badger her into telling us who? We'll never know unless we try.
Wow, nice suit.
All of you.
Look at you.
Come here.
Is this-- Is this the suit that Ted got you? -What, this? -Yeah.
I can't remember-- Yes.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, it's-- Yeah.
-Nice, it's really nice.
-Thank you.
Another man buying you clothes is infantilizing, yes? Fuck's sake.
Well, no.
He doesn't buy all of my clothes.
Most of them are gifts from my mum.
You know.
Let's go.
Is that a fucking apple? Yeah.
I got it from a tree outside.
Tastes like dead people.
That's not funny, Roy.
No, but it's surprisingly delicious.
Cheer up, Keeley.
It's a funeral.
I hate dress shoes so much, Jamie.
I know, muchacho.
'Cause remember, they ain't made for people like us.
They're made for sheep.
They're made for Muggles.
They're made for twats.
When I get home, I will set them on fire, and their memory will burn in hell.
Jesus, Dani.
Jesús has no place in the conversation of these damn shoes.
How you feeling, Ted? I'm better, you know? Not great, but better.
Because when someone's not great, that allows me to get in there and do my thing.
May I sit down? I wish the doctor would, yeah.
You want something to drink? A cup of tea or something? No, thank you.
I hate tea.
Tastes like a wet paper bag.
I'll tell you anything.
I don't think I've ever been in a properly… Anglican house of worship before, and… it makes me miss you, and I just wish you were here.
Me too.
I love funerals.
Is it an open casket? God, I hope so.
I like to see.
Me too.
Yeah, yeah.
You know what? -You can't be serious.
-I'm dead serious! What? I mean it.
When I was a kid, the only thing I liked about church was confession.
It was so freeing.
I'd just sit there and admit all the sickest shit inside of my brain.
Oh, my God.
One time, I made the priest blush and barf at the same time.
I have been told to come in to ask you to lower your voices.
But I also brought this.
-Oh, good work.
-Oh, nice.
Stole it from a little boy in a white robe.
No, Sass.
So, Stinky.
-Who are you secretly shagging? -What? Let's skip the part where you pretend you're not, yeah? What are you even talking about? How about the bullshit text after the date, the fact I have not seen you outside of work for two weeks, and that even though today is your father's funeral, you are glowing like a girl that just got properly plowed.
-I knew it! I knew it! -Oh, my God! You're right! I've been asked to come in and tell you to lower your voices.
The vicar looked like he wanted to swear.
Is everything all right? Yeah, of course.
We're just trying to figure out who Rebecca is shagging.
Oh, I know.
And it's good.
Come on-- Hang on.
Hang on.
Okay, let's play 20 questions.
-Yes! Yes.
-Oh, my-- This is thrilling.
Is he tall? Yes.
-Is it Sam? -How the fuck did you know that? -Oh, my God! I fucking did! -No! Excuse me for one moment, please.
What? -I did! -Oh, my God! That's it! Oh, my Go-- Everyone out except immediate family, please.
You're so bad.
You are.
Boss-ass bitch.
Forgive me, Father.
Sorry, it's terrible behavior.
Ted, it's not surprising that you had a panic attack.
It's possible that going to this funeral would trigger memories of going to your own father's funeral.
Nope, nope.
I didn't go to my dad's funeral.
Okay, why not? 'Cause he quit.
You know, he quit on his family.
He quit on himself.
And I hated him for that.
I think I still hate him for it.
I think you do too, Ted.
And that's okay.
What happened with your father is a difficult thing for anyone to make sense of, especially his teenage son.
Do you agree? Yeah, okay.
Okay, good.
Why don't you share with me what happened? Do you know what you're going to say in your eulogy? I don't want to do a eulogy.
It would look awful if you didn't say anything at your own father's funeral.
I don't care.
I've got nothing nice to say.
What's got into you? He was a good father, a wonderful husband.
Was he? What are you so angry about? I don't want to talk about it.
Not today.
Stop behaving like a child.
Fine, you really want to know? Because I am so sick of keeping secrets.
Dad cheated on you, and I saw it.
When you were away, and I was meant to be staying the night with Sassy.
I even remember the date.
It was Friday the 13th, 199-- …one, in September.
I remember the date 'cause me and a bunch of high school buddies were gonna do a marathon of all them Jason movies that night.
So I, you know, came home from school as usual and went up to my room to… …nick a bottle of wine from your drinks cabinet, and as we opened the door, I heard-- Bang! So we went to investigate.
I opened up the door, and… there he was.
In all his glory with his arse in the air with Mrs.
Reynolds screaming his name.
And Sassy didn't say anything for the first time in her life, and I just-- Screamed and choked.
And he came running after me in his dressing gown, begging me to stop, but I just-- Ran upstairs, called 911.
Went to the fridge, grabbed one of his Coors Lights.
Drank that.
Then I called my mom at work and let her know she needed to come home.
And the next day, when I came back, he said nothing about it.
And that is why I'm so fucking angry, okay? It's why I've always hated him.
And I still hate him.
I know.
No, you don't know how I feel.
I mean, I know about his cheating.
All of it.
You knew, and you did nothing? Of course I knew.
I know everything.
Then I hate you too.
I hate you for letting him treat you like that.
I'm sorry that happened to you, Ted.
Yeah, me too.
And I understand why you're angry with him.
He took a lot away from you.
And my mom.
And your mum, yes.
I'm curious about something.
What was he like? He was a good man, you know.
Real chatterbox, believe it or not.
Probably could have been a little bit better listening box at times.
What did you love about him? Why? You told me what you hate about him.
I'd love to hear something you remember that made you feel good.
When I was in fifth or sixth grade, there was this book called Johnny Tremain, and our homework for, like, a month was to read this book.
At the end of the month, I hadn't read a lick of it, you know.
And we had a test, big test, like, the next day.
And the night before, I was anxious as all heck, and I couldn't sleep, and my dad starts getting after me about that.
And I start crying.
And he's like, "Whoa, buddy.
What's wrong? What's wrong?" And I tell him what's up.
And he says, "Hey, don't worry about it, okay.
Just go up to your room, lay your head on your pillow and think about something you're looking forward to.
" So that's what I did.
Next morning, I wake up, and he says, "Hey, you ain't gonna ride your bike to school.
I'm gonna drive you.
" And I'm like, "All right.
" And on the way to school, he talks me through the entire book, like it's a bedtime story or something.
'Cause he stayed up all night, the whole night, reading the whole damn thing, 'cause he didn't want his little boy stressed out over some stupid, silly test.
And I ended up getting an A.
He was a good dad.
And I don't think he knew that.
I think if he would've known how good he was at stuff he didn't really care about being good at, he-- I don't think he would've done what he-- And I wish I would've told him.
I wish I would've told him more.
I was just so angry at him.
'Cause he was always going to work and just out with friends or something like that, and then he was gone.
And I knew right then and there that I was never gonna let anybody get by me without understanding they might be hurting inside, you know.
'Cause life, it's hard.
It's real hard.
Thank you, Ted.
I don't know if this is illegal or something, but can I have a hug? Sure.
It's okay.
Are you going to charge me for this session? Of course I am.
-For the house call.
I appreciate your integrity.
You're welcome.
I'm sorry, Rebecca, but-- I'm not as strong as you.
I was too scared to leave him for good.
You don't think I was scared leaving Rupert? I was terrified.
And rightly so because let me tell you, being alone is fucking horrible.
But it's been necessary.
'Cause it's actually started to feel rather wonderful.
Well, I'm glad to hear that.
Besides, Rupert was a self-righteous shit.
Then why are you always so nice to him? Because, my darling, the best way to deal with people like that is to make sure they know they can't get to you.
Anyway, when all's said and done, what's more important, being loving or being right? I was so proud of you when you left him.
You knew you deserved better.
Now, I've got a whole lot of baggage, but when I love something, I love it forever.
And I loved your father.
Even though he treated you like that? Yeah.
He wasn't perfect.
I didn't need him to be.
He always came back.
You know, I'm actually glad to hear that you hate me.
All these years, I've thought you didn't feel anything for me.
I'll take your anger over your indifference any day.
It's time.
And thank you for keeping your voices down.
Come on, then.
Let us pray.
Our Father… …who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name.
Amazing grace How sweet the sound "The Lord is my shepherd.
There is nothing I shall want.
Fresh and green are the pastures.
" Thank you.
Now, normally I would have to fib about how well I knew the deceased.
But in this case, I did know Paul very well.
He came to church every weekend, sitting right over there, paying attention to every single word of the Richmond match he was listening to on his phone.
-But I would never have felt the need… -…mother of Jesus Christ.
…to chide Paul about this.
-It was a sign of his passion… -Oh, my God.
…for his beloved sport and the commitment he showed to his team.
They're the same passion and commitment which he showed both as a husband and a father to his family as well.
And now we will hear a eulogy from Paul's daughter, Rebecca.
I don't really know what to say.
My father… was… We're no strangers to love.
You know the rules… And so do I A full commitment's What I'm thinking of You wouldn't get this From any other guy I… Just want to tell you how I'm feeling Try to make you understand Never gonna give you up Never gonna let you down Never gonna run around And desert you Never gonna make you cry Never gonna say… Never gonna say goodbye Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you Never gonna give you up Never gonna let you down Never gonna run around and desert you Never gonna make you cry Never gonna say goodbye Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you Never gonna give, never gonna give Give you up Never gonna give, never gonna give Give you up Thank you.
Rupert, thank you so much for coming.
Dad would've loved you being here.
Do you want to pop by at the house, Rupie? We're having some people over, and I know Rebecca would hate me if I didn't invite you.
Thank you, both-- Well, I'm afraid we have to go.
It's nap time.
For you or the baby? Boom! Yeah, for mother and child, actually.
Yeah, she won't sleep in the crib unless I'm in there with her.
-Oh, won't she? -So sweet.
Take care.
Rebecca, I meant to say.
I've convinced Bex to give up her shares in Richmond.
I mean, there's just no time for footie these days.
So, we'd love you to have them.
Like a funeral present? I think that's very thoughtful of you, Rupie.
Yes, yes.
Thank you so much, Rupert.
-Yeah, you're right.
I think I need to break it off with Sam.
-What? -Why? -It's not the age thing, right? -No.
I'm-- I'm not even sure I-- -Wait, are you worried about press stuff? -Maybe.
I know.
Penis is too big.
Hurts your tiny little vagina.
Yes, that's it.
…make sure they got air in 'em.
Speaking of which.
Me and Billy were just going over here… -Okay.
-…to talk about 1966.
How you doing? There he is.
Right, wish me luck.
You got this.
It'll be all right.
Be gentle though, yeah? Oh, God, he's smiling.
I hate to see him like this.
Rebecca, muchísimas gracias.
I can feel my toes again.
I am so happy we wear the same size.
Me too.
You keep those.
Your generosity knows no boundaries.
Hi, Jamie.
Do you want a drink? Don't really know where to start, to be honest.
I'm a bit all over the place.
You wanna start with a beer? No, thank you.
Listen, Keeley.
I know that you're with Roy and that you're happy, but today's made me realize that I'd hate myself if I didn't say… I didn't just come back to Richmond to get away from my dad.
I also came back 'cause of you.
I finally think that I'm becoming the best version of myself, the kind of man that you always knew that I could be.
And I know that this is a mad, shitty thing to do, but… I love you, Keeley.
Listen, I was a prick today, making dumb fucking jokes.
It's, just, death makes me uncomfortable 'cause when my granddad died, I spent every single night for a whole year praying that I could just talk to him just once, or see him just one more time like he was Obi-Wan Kenobi or some shit.
And I got fuck all.
But it did make me realize, we only got this one life, and I don't wanna waste a second of it.
I love you, Keeley.
I'm sorry.
I've wanted to do this all day, but I haven't had the chance.
Sam, you're so kind and loving and… wise.
-But-- -Oh, no.
I hate big buts, and I cannot lie.
There's just this one issue that-- There's just one thing I can't get past.
What is it? You're wonderful.
Why is that a bad thing? Because you could really hurt me.
But you can hurt me too.
Well, doesn't that scare you? No.
-Does it scare you? -Yes.
And I think I need to figure out why.
On my own.
I understand.
Take as long as you need.
It's okay.
Thank you.
But, Rebecca, there's something I should warn you of.
Yes? I'm only gonna get more wonderful.
I know.
-Food was amazing.
Thank you very much.
-Thank you for coming, Thierry.
-Bye, Isaac.
-Thanks, Isaac.
Sorry for your loss, ladies.
Don't be, Ted.
You didn't kill him, did you? Mum.
Well, I'm sorry that I was late today.
How about that? Yeah, is everything okay? Everything? Heck, no.
But me? Yeah, I'm doing okay.
And, hey, I know I only got to meet Mr.
Welton that one time, but, well, the fact that a fella his age could still do every move from Donald O'Connor's big old dance scene from Singin' in the Rain, it just gave me a lot of hope for getting older, you know.
Paul loved two things: attention and making her laugh.
You know, I'd forgotten that.
Thank you, Ted.
Well, good night.
Shall we? Florence does like wounded birds, doesn't she? Let's go this way.
Yes, she does.
…they're great, bro.
You and Sam taking a break? How did you know that? I'm your mother.
I know everything.
Besides, I saw him coming out of the cupboard looking sad.
Drink, please.
Come on, then.
You look like a little boy there.
Well, you cut my hair.
Yeah, I always wanted a boy.
-What else have we got in here? -Look how long my hair was.
-Home videos.
-I've probably taped over that.
I bloody well hope you haven't.
Look at your cheekbones there.
My gosh.
Why am I sitting in a bowl? No, you made that our pool.
All the other neighborhood kids who had pools, they'd come specially over so they could swim in your bowl.
-It's a good bowl.
-It is.
-You're still my little girl.
-Oh, Mother.
You are my little girl.
I think you had a bit of a thing for Rick Astley, Mother.
Well, maybe I did.
But that's not him, is it? Yeah, of course it is.
No, I thought he was Black.
That's Rick Astley? Yes.

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