Ted Lasso (2020) s02e11 Episode Script

Midnight Train to Royston

Go, Sam Obisanya.
Go, Sam Obisanya.
Today has been all about one man.
Take a bow, Sam Obisanya.
The first hat trick of his career.
Three goals for Obisanya.
Three points for Richmond as their incredible run of form continues.
They will now enter the final match of the season one win away from promotion back to the Premier League.
An incredible turnaround.
Thataway, Sam! What a performance by the young Nigerian, Chris.
It's exciting to see a young player realizing his potential, Arlo.
- One more, one more.
One more.
- All right, bro.
See you later.
See you later.
All right.
- Bravo, Sam.
- Three goals.
- All right.
See you later.
- That's gold.
That's it, dude.
- Congratulations, Sam.
Well done.
- Thank you, Liza.
See you later.
Well done, matey.
Wish me luck.
Watch out! I can't believe it's happening.
The whole idea of it has got me going like… Oh, stop.
You getting all… is just fear getting in the way of what you deserve.
Are you making fun of me with my… Of course not.
It's just, you went… And I thought I can't improve on that.
I'm just gonna have to replicate it.
Thank you.
Bing-bong, you ding-dongs.
- Ted.
- Yeah? Guess who is going to be featured in Vanity Fair's business issue as a powerful woman on the rise.
I finally got it? This is incredible! - Ted.
- Yeah? Not you.
Oh, that makes more sense.
Hey, congrats, Keeley.
That's gonna be a Vanity Fair to remember.
Oh, it's just an honor to be mad fit and successful.
So, ladies, I'm here both to give and receive.
Sharon's last day is tomorrow, and we're all chipping in to get her something special.
- What did you decide on? - An envelope of cash.
You know, I figured she already has all our deep, dark secrets.
Kinda tough to top that with a scarf and a candle, you know? Right.
- Yeah.
Whatever you got.
- Let's see.
Oh, you know what? Here you go.
Thank you.
It all spends the same.
All right.
Appreciate you.
- Hello, people.
- Higgins! Leslie.
I just received an email from Edwin Akufo, and he wants to speak with you, Rebecca.
Who is Edwin Akufo? His father owns the largest tech firm in Ghana.
Wait a second.
I thought I did.
Until he died last month.
I apologize for my joke.
Edwin just inherited £1.
2 billion and loves football.
And? And I think he wants to buy the club.
Got the suit Ted bought you back from the dry cleaners.
Oh, it's my suit.
The second Ted gave it to me, ownership transferred, and it became my suit, Will.
Oi, are my eyebrows crazy? I've gotta do a photo shoot with Keeley tonight, and the photo shoot coordinator told me my eyebrows are crazy.
Jesus, are my eyebrows crazy? They wanna do a "at home with the footballer boyfriend" shot.
Bet they won't even use it.
She also told me I've gotta wear all black so that Keeley pops.
- You're always wearing black.
- This isn't black.
This is dark heather charcoal.
I love hearing fellas debate fashion.
Who's winning? Oh, Ted, can I run a new tactic by you? Yeah, you can run it, walk it, cartwheel it to me.
I don't care.
Call me Dumbo, 'cause I'm all ears.
- Is that a yes? - Yes.
When we play Brentford, we should play with a false nine.
- Couldn't agree more.
What is that? - Play without strikers.
Wait, so Jamie and Dani ain't gonna play? They do, but they play in midfield where no one expects them to be.
- Yeah.
- I see.
Okay, so we got both our aces tucked up our sleeves, huh? Love that.
That's fun.
Okay, today let's go ahead and try out your fake nine.
False nine.
- Hey, this looks very nice.
- Thank you.
Here we go again.
Give Ted yet another idea he'll take all the credit for.
That's the job, son.
Do you guys ever wanna be in charge? Be the boss? Get all the credit? You know, we used to believe that trees competed with each other for light.
Suzanne Simard's field work challenged that perception, and we now realize that the forest is a socialist community.
Trees work in harmony to share the sunlight.
Can't you just give me a straight answer for once? I think he just did.
When this works, which it will, I'm telling everyone it was my idea, which it was.
Your eyebrows aren't crazy.
Thank you.
They're psychotic.
I appreciate that.
They can't maintain their lines.
- These guys are just not in sync.
- It's okay.
Oh, hell no.
No, no.
Hey, hey.
No, no.
Guys, come on.
That ain't gonna cut it.
Y'all gotta be together on this, all right? It's like this.
You may hate me, but it ain't no lie.
Yeah? Then the hands.
Bye, bye, bye.
All right? And watch my jumps.
Ain't no lie.
See how I'm jumping? Like I'm a marionette.
That's why this song is on the album No Strings Attached, all right? Yes.
Okay, good.
Now, look, fellas, performing this at Doc's going-away party ain't gonna mean Bo Jackson diddly squat unless she can tell how hard we worked on it.
You know what I mean? It ain't the execution.
That ain't the gift.
It's the effort.
Yeah? Okay? You see what I mean? Uh-oh.
My most sincere apologies.
I was told your training would be finished by now.
Oh, that's okay.
Hakuna matata, right? Oh, I'm sorry.
That was kind of racist, wasn't it? Oh, you know, Timon and Pumbaa are cartoons.
- So I'll let it slide.
- Hey, I appreciate you.
So, you must be Edwin Akufo, huh? - Yeah, I am.
- I'm Ted Lasso.
I don't shake hands.
But I have someone who does.
- Oh.
- Yes.
That is one of the best handshakes I've ever hand shook right there.
Firm yet comforting, you know, like a weighted blanket for my hand toes.
So, I bet you're looking to chop it up with Miss Welton, yeah? If that's not impossible.
Well, you say impossible, but all I hear is "I'm possible.
" Makes more sense when written down.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- Right this way, fellas.
- Thank you.
- Take it from here? - If it's gotta be me.
Okay, Greyhounds, now let's get in formation! Will, here we go! Five, six, seven, eight.
Come on.
Hit this.
That was it! Yes! I cannot tell you how much I admire what your club has done this season.
Relegation destroys some teams, but it's only seemed to have made yours stronger.
That's all 'cause of the boss right here.
Trickle-down economics may stink, but trickle-down support smells like pizza, roses and, I assume, Viola Davis.
I do care about this club, Mr.
Very much.
That's why I'll cut straight to the point and tell you that I'm not interested in selling.
Oh, I'm not trying to buy your club.
I'm interested in buying one of your players.
Sam Obisanya.
But Rebecca loves Sam.
Yeah, we all love Sam.
Also, Sam is under contract with us for another three years.
Yes, I understand.
Therefore, I would offer you a generous transfer fee of so much money that people would think I'm crazy, and you've taken advantage of me, in a financial, non-sexual way, of course.
I believe he's making you an offer you can't refuse.
Oh, Godfather, I see you.
Well, I'm refusing an offer he can't make.
Is that a quote from the third movie? I just have one question.
What club is it that you actually own? Oh, I don't.
At least, not one I can talk about yet.
But it is a team in Africa, and I figured that Sam might appreciate the opportunity to play near his family.
You know, his home.
Well, gosh dang it.
Now I wish we had two Sams, you know? One for y'all and one for us.
Where are we at with cloning these days, by the way? Them Scottish folks have been mighty quiet on that front for a while, which means we gotta be close, right? Yeah, well, like my father used to say, a sad white man is still a white man.
All I'm asking is for an opportunity to speak to Sam.
Maybe let him decide for himself, yes? Yes.
Oh, I hope I'm not interrupting.
Perfect timing.
Sam, this is Edwin Akufo.
Oh, he doesn't like to shake Mr.
Akufo would like to speak with you.
I figure we could maybe go to a museum, have something to eat.
After you.
It's lovely to meet you all.
- Bye.
- You too.
So strange.
I once wrote a play about a billionaire who took a footballer to a museum and then dinner.
What happens in the play? Well, they get their meal for free because they found a little bit of glass in the pasta.
God, I wish I could write fiction.
Oh, thank you, Keeley.
You know, I should revisit that work.
You got me.
Wow, I didn't expect you to be here.
No, me neither.
What can I do for you? Well, I just wondered if you'd mind helping me pick out a fancy suit? Abso-fucking-lutely.
Perfect timing, actually.
I've gotta pick up some outfits for this photo shoot I'm doing.
Come with.
- What, now? - Now.
Let's go kill two birds with one stone.
All right, yeah.
Let's go… murder some birds with a rock.
That was good.
- Yeah? - Yeah! - I got attacked by a bird once.
- Did you? Young man, I think you're late for class by about 25 years.
Would you like a lollipop? No.
It's Coach Kent, which can only mean nobody told him it's a half-day and Phoebe's mom picked her up hours ago.
Fu… …n.
That's fun, innit? Okay.
See you later.
I always thought this was what the teachers did when we went home.
Art fundraiser tonight.
For 20 quid, you can buy a kid's art.
For 40, I'll send it home with you already in a rubbish bin.
That's a solid business model.
Which one of these is Phoebe's? Oh, I won't be able to display Phoebe's artwork.
Why not? Oh, no.
She draws ti Unnervingly accurate charcoal sketches of breasts, yes.
There were more, but some of the boys stole them and I think are using them as currency.
Bloody hell.
- Do you need a hand? - Yep.
Unless you need to go.
No, I got time.
It's show-and-tell today.
Should I bring my Jamie Tartt jersey or my LEGO Hogwarts? I gotta go with the Jamie Tartt jersey for fear of how Hogwarts might travel, you know? Good thinkin', Abe Lincoln.
Hey, buddy, I gotta let you go, okay? Have a great day at school.
I love you.
Love you.
Hey, boss.
What's up? Right, I'm just gonna come out and say it.
I had a torrid affair with Sam.
Dad, I'm still on.
Hey, sorry about that.
- Okay, I'll talk to you later.
- Bye, Dad.
Okay, so let's see.
- You and - Sam.
…uel L.
Jackson? - Obisanya.
- Right, okay.
Just checking.
Okay, well, you know, I think that's great.
Hold on.
No Yes.
Yeah, I do.
No, I think that's fine.
- I think I need to end it.
- Sure, I can see that.
I asked him for a bit of time to figure things out.
And now we're in a bit of a limbo situation.
Great party game, horrible relationship status.
And then Edwin Akufo swoops in to take him away, and I've lost all objectivity.
Sam's a really great player.
One of the best we got.
But do I want him to stay because of my feelings for him? Good question.
- We really were great together.
- I mean, come on.
Sam and Rebecca are already one of my all-time favorite TV couples.
To have one of them in real life? Yes, please.
But if he wants to go, I shouldn't stand in his way.
I could not agree more.
But if I let him go, I might regret it for the rest of my life.
Turns out, I could agree more.
Well, Rebecca.
Listen to me.
Don't listen to me.
Don't listen to Edwin Akufo.
Don't even listen to Sam.
You just listen to your gut, okay? And on your way down to your gut, check in with your heart.
Between those two things, they'll let you know what's what.
They make good harmony, like two-thirds of Bone Thugs-N-Harmony, you know what I mean? Thank you, Ted.
You know, boss, you're starting to develop a bit of a habit.
- Am I? - Oh, yeah.
Same time, same place last year, you dropped another truth bomb on me.
- See you next year.
- I can't wait.
Oh, my God.
That's so good, I can't even look at you.
Thanks, Jacques-o.
Oi, how you doing in there, babe? God, this place is so posh.
Feel like I'm not supposed to be here.
This place is for rich twats who piss away all their money on an outfit they only wear once.
But, Nate, today you are one of those twats.
I quite like that.
- Oh, this is so much fun.
- Yeah.
Roy never does this stuff with me.
He's always like, "I'm Roy Kent.
" "Why do I need to go shopping? I already own a black T-shirt and jeans.
" This is yes.
But I'm worried about the crotch.
Does the crotch feel loose? The crotch looks loose.
Keeley, thoughts on the crotch? Oh, my Go I think the crotch looks great.
We can have the crotch taken in.
It's better to have a tight crotch than a loose crotch, you know? But we love the suit, yes? I What do you think? No, I don't think this is it.
- No.
- Take it off immediately.
Would you guys like a drink? Oh, yeah, go on.
Glass of champagne? I'm all right, thanks.
Oi, it's free.
And… when you see the prices, you're gonna wish you'd drank more of it.
Oh, my God.
A whiskey, thank you.
Knock knock, Doc Doc.
Oh, please don't tell me you're taking my office now.
No, no.
I just came up to invite Doctor Sharon to Colin's birthday party tomorrow night.
Colin's birthday is August the 21st.
I love that you know that.
Yeah, I know everybody's birthday.
Really? - Liam Neeson.
- June 7th.
- Tina Turner.
- November 26th.
Chuck Norris, Sharon Stone, and Osama Bin Laden.
All March the 10th.
You are good.
And you're right.
Colin's party was just a cover story for Sharon's going-away party.
Not bad, huh? I hate to be the bearer of bad news, Ted, but Sharon's already gone.
Beg to differ, Higgy Stardust.
Sharon's last day is mañana.
Yes, but an emergency came up, and she has to leave tonight.
Wait, she left without saying goodbye? She wrote everybody a letter.
Mine was very nice.
Here's yours.
Don't let her get away with it, Ted! Yes.
- Wow.
- I know, right? Kelechi Nwaneri.
Yeah, his work is incredible.
Well, he's Nigerian.
I just bought it.
So I can donate it to the Cape Coast Castle Museum in Ghana.
This piece belongs in Africa.
It's amazing.
Even for a Nigerian.
Sam, I'm a walking confliction.
I am a billionaire, yet I don't believe billionaires should exist.
That's why I'm breaking up my father's empire.
I'm using the money to make better things and hopefully make things better.
You are not at all what I expected.
You don't even have a security detail.
That's because I bought out the entire museum and filled it with actors.
Oh, I thought I recognized him from I May Destroy You.
Are you hungry? Starving.
I know a perfect place.
- Edwin.
- It's good to see you.
- This is my friend, Sam.
- Hey, you all right? Lovely to meet you.
You both just met a cool person.
See you.
- Pretty cool, eh? - What? - That was Banksy.
- Banksy? Yeah.
- The - Yes.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, let's do it.
Thanks, babe.
Fuck me! - Yeah? - Yeah.
You look so hot.
I just wanna fix your tie really quick.
Come here.
Thank you so much, by the way.
You're so good at everything, and you're always helping people and making things better.
Just like you.
- Sorry.
- It's all right.
Do you ever Do you ever feel like you wanna be the boss? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
I mean, I did used to worry that I was gonna end up like my mum.
She spent years working at the same company tirelessly just for a man to take all the credit.
She wasn't brave enough to dream big.
So, I decided to do things very differently.
And then I met Rebecca, and she inspired me to wanna be a boss.
People like you and I, we can't help but dream big.
And no one is gonna fight harder for their dreams than us, right? Right.
The scariest part of all of it is making the decision to just go for it.
'Cause once you do that, then everything just sort of falls in God.
I'm so sorry.
I didn't - That's okay.
- No, it's not.
- Yes, it is.
Don't worry about it.
- No.
No, it's fine - It was - No, it was - It happens sometimes to the best of us.
- It's not - I just - I God, I'm gonna get outta this - Don't worry about it.
- I do worry about it.
Is that a younger year? Nope, same year.
Then why are their pictures shit, and yours are… not shit? Well, I take the pictures before they can fuck them up.
They hate it, but I know it's for the best.
So you're Ms.
Bowen, the mean teacher.
Well, Phoebe likes you.
She's smart.
Most of them hate me.
They have, like, 20 different mean nicknames for me.
Go on.
I don't know any of them.
Bowlegs, Ms.
Boring, Ms.
Bonehead, Ms.
Bellend, Boaty Ms.
Boatface and then there's one little boy who simply calls me Fuck-witch, which is admittedly my favorite.
Well, best teachers are the toughest ones.
My first coach used to chase me round the pitch on a motorbike like we were in fucking Mad Max.
That's terrifying.
Yeah, but it made me fast.
The half-hour countdown begins.
Nothing worse than parents' mixers.
They get free chardonnay, and I get to ward off all the single dads.
- And not-so-single dads.
- Right.
Are you married? No.
- I've gotta go.
- You're not gonna stay for the art show? No, sorry.
Thanks for all your help.
Karen, for God's sake, grow the fuck up.
Well, well, well.
Look what the weird bike rode in.
Ted, how long have you been standing out here? A long time.
And I really gotta use the john too, but I'm gonna hold it a bit longer, 'cause I'm so dang ticked off at you.
I was right.
It's a lot easier to navigate that hallway with this thing all folded up.
Thank you for carrying it up.
How could you just leave? Sorry, I'm not good with goodbyes.
Well, when I was a baby, I wasn't good at walking and talking, but I stuck with it and look at me now.
- Did you get my letter? - Yes.
- Did you read it? - No! We had a whole thing planned for you.
You know how hard it is to get grown men to learn choreography? Almost impossible.
Heck, we even got you a gift.
Spoiler alert, it's a bunch of cash.
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
But, Ted, you knew I was leaving.
I did, but I thought I was gonna get a chance to say goodbye to you.
My wife left me, my dad left me, and you, more than anyone in the world, knows how I feel when I get abandoned, and you just left.
I wrote about that.
It's all in the letter I left for you.
Wait a minute.
You mean this? This right here? Guess what.
I'm not gonna read your letter, ever, okay? You got something to say to me, just say it to my face.
I thought we had a breakthrough.
You did.
You confronted things you had No, no, no.
Not me.
I'm talking about us.
- We did, Ted.
- Yeah.
Thanks to you, I've learned that expressing my vulnerabilities can help my patients with theirs.
You helped me become a better therapist.
And that's saying something, because I was already fucking brilliant.
That's nice of you to say.
And yet, you were gonna leave without letting me know any of that.
- Ted, it's all in the letter.
- It's all in the letter! It's all in your Okay, well, fine.
I'll read your stupid-ass letter.
You spelled "favorite" wrong.
It's a very good letter.
I feel more comfortable writing goodbye than saying it.
I'm sorry.
It's okay.
I understand.
My train to Royston doesn't leave till midnight.
Wanna grab a drink? I'm buying.
Yeah, okay.
That'd be nice.
- But I really gotta pee first.
I gotta - Door to the left.
I've never had West African food this good in London.
I can't believe I didn't know this place existed.
Well, it doesn't.
I had it created for us.
I brought in my own chefs.
I travel often, and I know what it's like to miss the food from home.
Actors? Friends.
I wanna be honest with you.
I don't see myself leaving Richmond to play for… well, whatever team you end up owning one day.
Sam, you are the fourth person to know this.
I'm buying Raja Casablanca in Morocco.
My only focus in life will be to make us one of the biggest clubs in the world.
Bayern, United, PSG, Barcelona… Casablanca.
The greatest African players around the world will come home to play for us.
Mark my words, in 20 years, an African team will win the World Cup.
Sam, you inspired the world to care about what's happening at home.
That's why I want you to come play for me.
I want the incredible man you are, not the footballer.
Although the footballer too is incredible.
Thank you.
I mean… You've given me a lot to think about.
Take all the time you need.
You have 72 hours.
Hey, please.
Finish the jollof.
Huh? I insist.
Thank you.
You know, I appreciate that you had it made the Nigerian way.
Well, I thought you'd prefer it, even though the Ghanaian way is better.
Oh, I know we've been getting along, but I will fight you on this one.
Let us fight then.
Oh, wonderful, Mr.
We've got you upstairs.
You'll start in the black suit, and then we'd love for Nicky to take a pass at your eyebrows.
I'm sorry I'm late.
You're not late, babe.
Your outfit's in the closet.
You look cool as fuck.
Thank you.
How was suit shopping with Nate? Yeah, it was fine.
I know that you hate this stuff, babe, but it's gonna be good, yeah? Please say that it's gonna be good 'cause I'm really losing it.
I'm so nervous.
Babe, you've done a thousand magazines.
You did an advert for a service station where you jumped out of an airplane topless eating a hamburger.
You can't be more nervous than that.
But this isn't that.
It was about how I looked.
This is about me.
I had to do an interview, like a real interview.
They asked me about my thoughts and my feelings and my goals for the future.
When people read this article, they're gonna see me.
See the real me.
The real you is fucking amazing.
And now the whole world is gonna get to see that.
You are Keeley fucking Jones, the independent woman.
You're gonna kill it.
So I should keep my top on? Maybe for one shot.
Thank you.
Hello, Dad.
It was incredible.
Yeah, yeah, he took me to a museum.
And then we had Nigerian food.
Okay, great.
And now look at one another.
Come on then.
That's wonderful.
Can I get the 85, please? Switching lenses.
Will only be a second.
All right, so, earlier when I was suit shopping with Nate, there was a little misunderstanding.
He tried to kiss me.
It wasn't a big deal, but I just thought you should know.
That must've been awkward.
Thank you for telling me.
I was talking to Phoebe's teacher earlier for three hours.
And at the end she asked me if I was married, and I just said no, nothing else.
I don't know why.
At the funeral, Jamie told me he still loves me.
Here we go.
Turn to me.
Well, well, well.
Look who knows her way around a pinball machine, huh? - I love pinball.
- Yeah.
It's one of the most entertaining forms of meditation.
Your only opponent is yourself and gravity.
Yeah, two things we're stuck with.
At least until that Elon Musk fella stops messing about on Twitter and starts focusing on jet packs.
"SMF," huh? Oh, let me guess.
Sharon Mildred Fieldstone? Sexy motherfucker.
Rest in peace, Mr.
- Another round? - Oh, yeah.
Come on.
Come on now.
This one's gonna be on me.
Actually, you know what? No.
Still gonna be on you, Dr.
If you excuse me, I'm gonna go hit one of my favorite British words, and my absolute favorite Diamond Phillips, the loo.
Another two, please, Mae.
- Okey dokey.
- Thank you.
You're the shrink for the team, yeah? Go on.
Ask her.
I'm scared of snakes.
Like, really scared of snakes, even the tiny ones in my garden.
Does that mean anything? Do you want it to mean something? I just don't wanna be afraid when I'm tending to my tomatoes.
Because the garden is your safe space.
Is it about the snakes, or is it about the fear and anxiety slithering into your consciousness? That's it.
The last one! That's it! Sorceress.
- I have a recurring dream… - Oh, God.
…where I'm floating.
Not flying, floating.
Piss off, you three.
You want psychiatric help, call the number I gave you.
Think about it.
- Thanks, Mae.
- There you go, love.
Oh, no.
I ordered two.
Ted asked me to give you this.
Son of a bitch stole my move.
Here's one with no shit in it.
I can't give you an answer about us.
And I know I can't ask you not to go.
But I hope you don't go.
I should go.

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