Terry Pratchett's The Color of Magic (2008) s01e01 Episode Script
The Colour of Magic
In a distant and second-hand set of dimensions, through wavering star-mists see the Great A'Tuin.
Drifting onwards through space, atop the shell of the great turtle are four giant elephants, upon whose broad shoulders rests the Discworld.
For the people on the Disc, the turtle was a mere hypothesis, until one day the island kingdom of Krull, whose rim-most mountains project over the Rimfall, lowered over the edge, a brass vessel containing several astrozoologists.
Their mission did indeed prove the existence of the Turtle.
Unfortunately, owing to a minor malfunction they were unable to answer an even more fundamental question.
What is the sex of the Turtle? The remaining astrozoologists are never short of a question.
Why does it matter? So, we're gonna look at Turtle's bottom? That won't be very nice, will it? No.
Since the failure of the last mission, this vital question cannot possibly be answered without sending a new expedition over the edge of the Disc in this.
It's a bit small.
It will be somewhat bigger.
Yeah, but where in the world are you gonna find someone stupid enough to go in that? Several thousand miles hubwards from the Rim, in Ankh-Morpork, the Disc's oldest city, the ship arriving in it's dock is carrying Twoflower, the Discworld's first tourist.
He is looking forward to all its sights and smells.
And of course, no tour would be complete without a visit to the city's Unseen University for wizards and its famous Tower of Art.
Terry Pratchett's The Colour of Magic Part One Released by SubXpacio and Tus Series When our story begins, wizards are not very nice.
Carrying the final remains of one of their number, the eight heads of the orders of wizardry have demonstrated great powers of survival, because behind every wizard of the eighth rank, there is at least one seventh rank wizard trying to bump him off.
Old Rumlat, he never saw it coming, you know, Trymon.
Well, you know what they say, Archchancellor, when a wizard is tired of looking for broken glass in his dinner, he is tired of life.
I'm just speculating, obviously.
We are gathered here today to pay our respects to old Rumlat.
A wizard Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.
I'm not late, am I? Who is that? Rincewind, Archchancellor.
Rincewind? Have him sent to my office in ten minutes.
Get on with it, Weatherwax, my back's killing me.
Run along, Rincewind.
Yes, sir.
Sorry, Neverbow.
Mister Rincewind, there are, as you know, eight levels of wizardry, to which the aspiring young to which the student can aspire.
In your not inconsiderable time here at the Unseen University, you have failed to reach even level one.
- Yes, but you see - What the Archchancellor's trying to say, is that after decades of teaching you, patience seems not so much a virtue as a life sentence.
- Yes, but - There is simply no room for your kind of person in a modern university.
- I feel - So you leave the Archchancellor no other course of action but to expel you.
But it's only been 40 years.
The hat.
Goodbye, mister Rincewind.
In the competitive world of wizardry, the way to the top is via dead men's pointy shoes.
Even if you have to empty them yourself.
"Asper narogot" - You can't - And don't come back! Now, let me tell you Thank you very much.
Deep in its very bowels, the departure of the Disc's worst wizard from the Unseen University has stirred magic.
FORZADOS, en español FORZADOS, en español FORZADOS, en español Good day to thee, sire.
Goodbye, world.
Disappointing.
Hallo? Hallo yourself.
I wish to be directed to an hotel, tavern, lodging house, inn, hospice.
I wish I know a tavern.
This way.
Sapient pearwood.
The tourist's luggage is no ordinary suitcase.
It has absolutely no brain, and a homicidal attitude towards anything that threatens its master, and would follow him anywhere.
FORZADOS, resincro I wish for an accomodation, a room, lodgings, are your rooms clean, a room with a view, what is your rate for one night, what is for breakfast, where are the bathroom, sir? He's got plenty money.
It'll be two dollars then? And that thing has to stay in the stable.
Two.
Two? Two.
Two.
Two.
It is a bath inside? Shower? There is some shower? It is sapient pearwood.
UNINTELLIGIBLE UNINTELLIGIBLE May I be of assistance? Shove off, Rincewind.
It won't work.
It's the book, you see, it tells him what to say.
It's magic.
FORZADOS, resincro FORZADOS, resincro FORZADOS, resincro FORZADOS, resincro FORZADOS, resincro FORZADOS, resincro FORZADOS, resincro FORZADOS, resincro FORZADOS, resincro FORZADOS, resincro FORZADOS, resincro FORZADOS, resincro FORZADOS, resincro FORZADOS, resincro FORZADOS, resincro So you're a wizard! And you speak Ankh-Morporkean! Yes, I did a correspondence course.
What's all this about then? Well, a tourist should always use his phrasebook so that people will know you're one.
And is that really your luggage? Yes and are you really a wizard? Well I hear the famous Unseen University is a must see.
I was hoping to visit it so that when I get back home I could say that I did that.
It's closed.
For the exams.
Where is your home? Have you heard of Des Pelargic? It's the major seaport, the Agatean Empire.
That's the Counterweight Continent, isn't it? Yes.
We may be small but we're equal in weight to all the major land masses of this hemicircle.
That's because the ancient legend.
It says that it's made of gold.
- Well, it's not made of gold.
- No.
Gold is just a really common metal.
You might like to keep that to ourselves.
On the house.
- Who is he? - He says he's a tourist.
What's that mean, then? I think it means idiot.
Yes.
You are correct in your surmise.
This is, technically, false coinage.
I knew it, I knew it.
I got a nose for a dumb.
What do you mean, technically? Well, you see, our Ankh-Morpork coins contains rather less gold than a pint of sea water.
- I knew it! - But this, my friend, is solid gold.
What? I've gotta get back.
And so, the leaders of a number of the many gangs, guilds, and collections of other nefarious dirt bags of Ankh-Morpork, were aware that someone had arrived in the city who appeared to have much treasure.
Including Emor, its greatest thief.
So no guards? No, why? What do I have that's worth stealing? Well, the trunk.
I mean, there can't be more than two very small wands made of sapient pearwood in all the cities of the Circle Sea, let alone a whole box.
That or the gold.
Barely 2,000 rhinu.
Is a rhinu one of those - big gold coins? - Yes.
Do you think I paid the innkeeper too much? I think he might have settled for less.
I can see I've got a lot to learn.
An idea occurs to me.
Rincewind, would you perhaps consent to be employed as a perhaps the word "guide" would fit the circumstances.
I think I could afford to pay you a rhinu a day.
Dear, I've offended you.
It was an impertinent request, doubtless you have works of high magic to return to.
One of those a day? Two then? - What do you want to see? - I want to see everything.
I mean, genuine morporkean life, you know.
I want to go to the slave markets, the whore pits, Temple of Small Gods the Beggar's Guild and a genuine tavern brawl.
- Well - No, I'm not suggesting we get involved.
I just wanna see it, that's all.
And some of your famous heroes, like Cohen The Barbarian.
You do know him? Yes, of course! Good.
Well So, it's agreed? - Agreed? - Excelent.
Be a good chap, would you, and see to it that the innkeeper shows my luggage to the room.
And I insist you take your first four days' wages in advance.
Broadman, luggage, room! And, perhaps when the exams are finished we could get a peek at the Unseen University? This calls for a picture.
All the best wizards have left! See you, loser! Relax, Withel, the magic chest will come back for its owner and, with it, the gold.
Yes, we'll just have a pic.
Just look over here, Rincewind, and smile.
Rincewind? Hi.
Pult.
Padon Gates The city gates.
Attempting to leave.
The Patrician, the ruler of Ankh-Morpork, may not be particularly fair or even democratic but at least, for the first time in a thousand years, the city works.
This is largely because he knows where everyone is, most of the time, and which dissuasively vicious punishment to exact for whatever they are doing there.
Oath breaking.
The theft of a horse.
Er, no, my Lord Patrician, I didn't steal the horse, I paid for it fairly.
Using false coins, which is technically theft, I think, false coins.
What are we going to do with you, you little scamp? Yes.
- It's the Arena for you, Rincewind.
- What? On top of these, there is the moral obligatory attendant of the cowardly betrayal of a visitor to these shores.
Shame on you, Rincewind.
Will you be requiring a sword or a spear for the Arena? A s-s-s-s XXX XXX XXX Of course we could be merciful.
Should we be merciful? Two rhinu.
One Polyseal.
Oi! That's my door! Door's fine.
Why don't you join me, Zlorf? The Assassins Guild are our friends.
I've come for the tourist.
I thought we had an agreement.
You don't rob, and I don't kill.
I'll kill him and then you can rob him.
If anybody's going to kill him, they'll need to talk to me first.
Get those dwarves out of here! Oh.
Who the hell are you? I am Rerpf and I'm here on behalf of the Guild Of Merchants And Traders to protect our interests.
- Meaning the little man.
- And how long has this guild been in existence, may I ask? Since this afternoon.
I am Vice Guild Master in charge of tourism.
Oh! And what is this tourism, of which you speak? We're not quite sure.
- What's a tourist? - Smile! It's magic! I want you to listen very carefully to what I have to say.
Otherwise, you will die.
In an interesting fashion.
Over a period.
Please stop fidgeting like that.
The Emperor of the Counterweight Continent sent me a letter.
It appears that one of his subjects has taken it into his head to visit our city.
It appears he wishes to look at it.
You will continue to be a guide, Rincewind, to this looker.
This-This Twoflower.
You will make sure he returns home with a good report of our homeland.
- What do you say to that? You say yes.
- I say yes.
- Yes.
- Yes, thank you, Lord.
Thank you.
Because it would be a tragedy should anything untoward happen to our visitor.
It will be dreadful if the tourist were to die, for example.
Cos the Emperor looks after his own and he could certainly extinguish us at a nod, which would be dreadful for you, Rincewind, because I would hope, when the Empire's huge, mercenary fleet arrived, that the avenging captains would find their anger somewhat tempered by the fact that my skilled operatives have just shown you the colour of your liver.
I see, by your face, that understanding dawns.
Good luck.
Oh, there's one other thing.
I'm sure you wouldn't dream of trying to escape from your obligations by, say, running away.
I assure you, Lord, that the thought never even crossed my mind.
Indeed.
Then, if I were you, I would sue my face for slander.
Don't let me detain you.
XXX XXX XXX XXX You.
Alright, alright, alright.
I give in.
Excuse me.
Rincewind, you came back! - I knew you would.
- I I just had to.
It's exciting, isn't it? A genuine tavern brawl.
Better than anything I could have imagined.
Everybody say cheese! Do you think I should thank them or Did you put them up to this? - That's where you were! - I I didn't like to mention it.
Nice throw! We should be leaving.
Shooni! - Beelziba! - Smile! Magic! Er, collapsing spell.
Come along, we gotta go.
Oh.
Ah! That's my luggage.
One more time! Aargh! Attaboy.
So, where's Cohen The Barbarian? Um, he's, er, right behind you.
Look, we really ought to be going.
Fantastic! No-one at home is gonna believe this.
All you do is rotate the lever and the Iconograph does the rest.
You wait here.
It's not good, I've run out of red.
If you wanted red, you shouldn't have took all those pictures of dwarves killing people, should you It's monochrome from now on, friend, - alright? - Yeah.
That's the picture imp.
Yes, of course it is.
You know, Rincewind, I'd like to have you in the picture as well.
Smile please.
Smile.
Smile.
What are we gonna see next? What a great day.
Ah.
Hmm? That's my favourite, with Cohen.
What the Er.
Can you smell oil? I don't think so.
I'll kill that bloody cat.
Here, take this.
- Oh, thanks.
- Don't mention it.
Tavern fights are pretty common around here, no? Oh, yeah, well, it's practically a sport.
So, innkeepers must need a lot of, well, in my language, we'd call it in-ss-urance.
In-sewer-ants? That's a funny word, what's it mean? - XXX - Say you have a tavern built of wood.
- Well, it might burn down.
- Hmm.
You don't want that to happen, so you take out an in-sewer-ants poly-cee, see? And then I work out the odds against it burning down and then add a bit.
And then you pay me some money, based on those odds.
Oh, no.
But, yes.
Well, then if it does burn down, I pay you the value of the tavern.
Oh, it's a bit like a bet, right? - A wager? Yes, I suppose it is.
- Ah.
- Are you sure you can't smell oil? - No.
I can smell burning.
Did you in-sewer the Drum? Luckily for Broadman, I have the rhinu he paid as his first premium.
You bet Broadman that it wouldn't catch fire? Standard valuation 200 rhinu, why? Why do you ask? You-You-You-You dozy idiot! Just carry on as if I'm not here, Rincewind, your appointment is later.
What's next? What's next?! We'll be hung, drawn and quartered if we stay here much longer.
- Why? - What do you mean, why? Why?! Look! The whole of Ankh-Morpork is made of wood.
Aargh! - What about my luggage.
- Bugger your luggage! Tell you what, whoever started that fire, it'd be wise for them to find a fast horse and make themselves very scarce.
- Thank you very much, Twoflower.
- It says that Chirm is lovely at this time of year.
Yes, and very, very dangerous.
Really? Hmm.
- Oh.
- That's the oil bond store going up.
Aaargh! XXX XXX XXX XXX XXX Oh.
Rincewind! - Oh.
- Up.
- Oh.
Oh.
Oh, no.
- Look at that over there.
- Oh, dear God, no.
XXX XXX XXX XXX XXX - Oi! Oi, you! Come back here! That's my horse! Come back! I'm Rincewind.
The Octavo, greatest of all spell books, locked and chained deep in the cellars of the Unseen University.
The spells imprisoned in its pages lead a secret life of their own.
And Rincewind's departure from Ankh-Morpork has left them deeply troubled.
I can't remember it being like this before.
No.
Not since that time a young wizard Oh, dear.
I've expelled him, haven't I? Nobody knows where he is, Librarian.
Not even the Patrician's palace guard.
Though they seem to think he'll turn up, for some reason.
Look, he's the only person in living memory who has actually touched the Octavo with his bare hands.
We have no idea the effect it will have on him in the outside world.
Least when he was a student, we Knew where he was.
Perhaps I've been a bit hasty.
- Who else knows about this? - Nobody, Archchancellor.
Good.
Let's, er, keep it that way, shall we? Oh.
Apart from Greyhold Spold, of course.
His days are probably numbered anyway.
On the subject of which, I haven't seen old Narribolt recently.
That's because he's dead, Archchancellor.
I'm just glad nobody wants to be head librarian.
Perish the thought, Horace.
Oh, I am looking for a book.
New shoes? And new hat, Mr Trymon.
ROOM AT THE TOP ROOM AT THE TOP How to Succeed in Wizardry I Ah.
CONTENTS 1.
The Art of Subprise.
The Knife in the Back.
Secret Passageways.
Suspending Heavy Objects.
SECRET PASSAGEWATS THE ORDERS AND LEVELS OF WIZARDRY Oh, how very neat and tidy.
Did you know that in the event of the Archchancellor's sad demise, he would be succeeded by Greyhold Spold.
He's demonstrated remarkable powers of survival.
Up to now.
I think it's very important to strive for perfection, don't you? - Oh, yes sir - if you want to get to the very top, sir.
- Yes.
The position of head librarian has never really appealed to you, sir? No.
Oh, good.
It is quite possible that the next Archchancellor may well smile upon those who understand the importance of things being well organised.
- Is everything in order down there? - Oh, absolutely.
Everything is in alphabetical order, quite.
So, this is the famous Octavo.
Famous and dangerous.
How long has it been like this? Well It's always been a bit strange, as far back as I can remember.
But, for some reason, it's got rather lively.
Why? I don't know.
Who does? - Greyhold Spold.
- Hmmm? Before my time.
Greyhold Spold.
How convenient.
Rincewind?! Twoflower? Twoflower! Twoflower! Pit of Ultimate Despair.
Dread Tower of Darkness.
Hmm.
Traveller.
The Hospitable Temple of Bel-Shamharoth lies a thousand paces Hubwards.
Hubwards.
Huh.
The Wyrmberg and palace of the Dragon Lord lies a thousand paces Rimwards.
Huh.
Dragons.
I've always wanted to see dragons.
Dragons it is.
Rincewind?! Your lifetime is up, Rincewind.
I can't hang around all day.
I can.
- What have you done with the tourist? - Nothing.
He was lured by the attraction of the Wyrmberg.
So at least the Patrician won't be sending out his men to kill me just yet then.
There is a distinct possibility that he may not need to.
What are you grinning at, huh? I'm sorry, I can't help it.
Now, would you be so kind as to let go? It won't hurt.
- Getting torn to pieces by wolves won't hurt? - It will be over very quickly.
- And, of course, they are an endangered species.
- Oh.
Atoni.
Who are you?! Aaaargh! Oh, you.
Oh, dear.
I wonder if it was something I said Don't think I owe you a debt of gratitude.
One of the consolations of being eaten by wolves was the fact that I would never have to have a near-death experience again, thanks to your owner! 737, 738, 739.
Dragons.
Dragons.
741, 742, 743.
Traveller the Wyrmberg and Palace of The Dragon Lord lies a thousand paces Rimwards.
To Dragons? Nobody believes in them any more.
Secret Passageways.
Bookcase.
Rume.
2rd shelf.
3rd book front.
The xxx.
Pull book.
BINGO I never really wanted to be Archchancellor anyway, - so, if you're here for - For the Octavo, Mr Spald.
You're not here to What about the Octavo? It's rather troubled at the moment.
And it seems that you might be able to tell me why.
Oh.
It's, er, - not all there, you know? - As in mad? As in one spell short of eight.
One of the eight spells is missing? Well, that's rather badly organised.
Certainly extremely dangerous.
So, where is it now? Do think very carefully, Mr Spald.
I really wish I did know, Mr Trymon.
Try breathing through this.
Dark in here, isn't it? Fire's gone out.
Rincewind! Attaboy, and you've brought the luggage.
No, it brought me.
It's amazing, isn't it? - Yes, if you like the physically impossible.
- I think it's just amazing.
Bit under populated though.
Listen.
- Do you think it could be the home of the dragons? - Don't be ridiculous! - Dragons don't exist.
- All my life, I've wanted to see dragons.
I think Aaargh! I don't believe in them! They don't exist! Aaargh! Psst.
- Pssst! - Oh.
- Pssst! - No, just dazed, actually.
- Who said that? - Well, don't just lie there, pull me out! - What? - Come on, come on, pull me out.
You You spoke! I'm a magic sword.
You weren't born with a mysterious birth mark in the shape of a crown, were you? - Um, no.
- No? Oh, just asking.
- Er, were you with the other fellow? - Might have been.
It's just the, er, dragon's got him and so I expect you'll be in a hurry to slay the dragon and rescue him in a fantastic feat of derring-do! - No, not really, no.
- Come on.
Come on! Right, take a firm grip.
Ooh, that's good, that's good.
Could be worse, this could have been an anvil.
Huh.
- Aaargh! - Finally! The dragon's headed hubwards! Even if they did exist, - I'm not cut out for dragons.
- Nothing to it.
- I'll show you! - Aaargh! Ah, Ah.
Ah, Ah.
Right, I suggest we start with the one in the trees.
Over there.
No, you don't.
You see, there's nothing there.
Oh.
You can start with her instead.
OK? - OK?! - I don't know how to be a hero.
Obviously.
But I propose to teach you.
Look, I'll be frank, I've worked with far better material than you but it's either that or I'll chop your head off! - I mean it.
- Alright, alright.
Good boy.
There's an ambitious wizard on the loose.
I think a certain degree of vigilance would be in order.
Especially if he's talked to Trymon.
- Any suggestions? - Oh, well, obviously, you attack.
Oh! Why didn't I think of that? Because you're a defeatist.
On your marks, get set, go! Ha-ha! XXX you.
End the game.
XXX XXX XXX XXX XXX left.
- Ha-ha! - Ha-haaa.
I ever tell you about the time I was thrown into a lake? - Aargh! - Let's have a look at you, Madam! - Where is the tourist? - He's been taken back to the Wyrmberg.
- What is this Wyrmberg? - The Wyrmberg.
It is dragon home.
- They don't exist.
- But I suppose you'll be wanting to rescue your friend? - My point precisely.
- He's not my friend.
But I suppose you'd better take me to this Wyrmberg of yours.
Leoleft Oh, listen.
I didn't I didn't know dragons were see-through! - Didn't you? - No! - Watch him as we get closer to the Wyrmberg.
- Oh, no! That, at least, is very marginally better.
- Jump now.
- What?! Surrender.
- Never.
- Um, er, er, never.
Of course not.
- He's a hero, isn't he? - I taught him myself.
And what is your name, hero? - Um - So that we know - who you were.
- Er, my name is Is, er, Rincewind of Ankh.
And I am Liessa Dragonlady.
You are to challenge me in mortal combat.
- No.
No, I can't.
- You are mistaken.
Liort, help our hero into a pair of hog boots.
- I am sure he is anxious to get started.
- Aaargh! No, really! Aaargh! - If you are looking after my - You will see your friend soon enough.
If you are religious, I mean.
None who enter the Wyrmberg ever leave again.
Except metaphorically speaking, of course.
Oh, My Trymon.
Good day, Archchancellor.
Oh.
New new shoes and hat, huh? Well, you, er, came to see me? Yes.
I've taken the liberty of doing a little research.
Ah.
About the Octavo, perhaps? Yes.
- It appears that one of the great spells is missing.
-Ah.
And you were wondering, purely for - administrative purposes, where it might have got to.
- Well, yes.
Do you know, Archchancellor? Well, if I did I think I've forgotten.
Oh.
Oh! Old Spold did.
Oh, no, no, too late.
He's already popped his pointy shoes, hasn't he? You know, he always had difficulty breathing, even before he managed to seal himself, in his own room, from the outside.
Yes.
Great shame about Spold.
Ha.
Just clouds.
Oh.
I expect this is all some sort of a misunderstanding.
I expect they'll release me soon.
They seem rather civilised.
And when I get back, I can tell people that I saw dragons.
Imagine that.
Ha.
Dragons.
Aaargh! I obey, Lord.
Obey? Of course, Lord.
Open it? Huh.
Huh, Ah.
Archchancellor? Archchancellor? Such a great shame.
Um, about? Spold, you mean? Yes.
Is that all, Trymon? Yes, Arch Chancellor.
Very good.
Oh, Trymon? As you leave, could you tidy the sprung heavy axe device some prankster student has rigged above my door? It seems to have malfunctioned.
I shall have it seen to, Arch Chancellor.
Oh, and I do hope Spold's shoes are not too small for you.
We fight to the death.
Yours.
I suppose I ought to warn you that I have a magic sword.
That's me.
What a coincidence.
Hello! He-llo.
Oh, no.
Prepare to be defeated.
Going well, isn't it? Call yourself a magic sword? Pah! Yeah, I do, actually.
Ha, ha! Aargh! Yuuuhuu! Hang on, Rincewind, hang on.
Let go, damn you, or we'll both die.
That's easy for you to say.
Why dont you save me? What have you got to lose? Is that you? Does that mean that I'm gonna die? You're a fine-looking dragon, by the way, even if you did just turn up.
You summoned me, Master.
You have the power.
You mean, I just thought of you and there you were? Yes.
I've thought of dragons all my life.
The power only works near the Wyrmberg.
As the dragons fly further away, we begin to dwindle and fade.
All Dragonlords have the power, as, of course, does the Dragonlady Liessa, who, incidentally, is trying to hack your friend to pieces as we speak.
What?! Shoot him! Ashoni! Ebriate! Oh, no, not you! Whoo! How was that? You alright? What's the matter? Aren't you scared of heights? No, why should I be? You're just as dead if you fall fr 40 feet as from 4,000 fathoms, that's what I say.
It's not the actual falling, it's more the hitting that worries me.
Do you think dragons can fly all the way to the stars? Because that would be something.
I think you might be mad.
That's where we camped.
But I didn't tell you about the time Oh, the sword.
You alright? Oh, yeah.
Come on, now! Hyagh! Hyagh! Hello?! Magic sword here! If anyone can hear me out there, what I could do with right now is someone who doesn't realise they're an orphan born in mysterious circumstances.
Are you alright? What's happening to the air? Dragons.
Dragons, dragons, yes.
Think of dragons.
Dragons.
Dragons.
Dragons.
It won't work.
You don't really believe in them.
Dragons!! Meanwhile, at the very edge of the world, the Krullians have not given up on their quest to determine the sex of the turtle.
Are the chelonauts ready, launch controller? Indeed, Arch Astronomer.
How long to the doorway? The launch window, your Prominence.
12 hours, when Great A'Tuin's tail will be in an unmatched position to determine its sex.
And all that remains is to find an appropriate couple of sacrifices.
The ocean shall provide.
It always does.
Look at the horizon.
It's alright.
Admittedly, there seems to be a lot less than there usually is.
We're being carried over the edge! We're going to run out of world! We are? I absolutely have to see that! Help! Rincewind.
Rincewind! Don't mind me.
I've got a book to read.
I don't want to leave this world! A prospect immensely troubling to the Octavo.
It's you.
I just came to see Arch Chancellor Weatherwax.
Do you have an appointment? I've never needed an appointment before.
Well, the Arch Chancellor's never been organised before.
- It's just - Look the Arch Chancellor is going to have been very ill, quite soon.
And must not be disturbed.
Can you smell burning? Have I been smoking in my sleep? I could have sworn I was wearing my shoes.
Why don't you come with me instead? There's something I know you really want to show me.
Trymon.
Oh, dear.
You'd better not monkey around with it, or who knows what'll happen.
The last person who went near it Yes? Well, it was a long time ago.
All I'm saying is he never passed any exams after.
As a matter of interest, after the last time, what exactly did they do to Rincewind? I never said anything about Rincewind.
Rincewind? Oh, oh.
Did i say Rincewind? I meant whichever perpetual student wizard it was, who monkeyed around with the Octavo.
Rincewind! So when the spell left the Octavo where, exactly, did it go? Get off, will you?! Are you saying you want me to stop? Yes, stop, will you?! Stop saving your life? That's actually twice now.
Oh, thank you.
Say again? I said thank you! Stop that! Will you stop that?! Look, a polite shake of the hand, having first checked for poison needles in the palm, in that old, quaint, Ankh-Morporkean tradition, would be sufficient! I'm on the edge of the world! Seeing things that most people can only dream of.
On an adventure of visions and wonders, unimaginable in one lifetime.
It's all thanks to you, Rincewind.
You forgot the near-death experiences.
Well, I like to think of them as edge-of-life ones.
With the best guide a little old in-sewerance clerk from Bes Pelargi could ever hope for.
Well, I would have been fine, of course.
Even falling from the Wyrmberg.
Because to stop falling to certain death is only a Level Two spell.
Actually, I was, sort of, hoping, that you could do some you know? What, magic? Like what? In a fight, you could turn people into worms.
Ah.
No, no, no.
Turning people into animals is an eighth-level spell.
Look the thing is, I never really completed my training.
I only know one spell.
And even that I got by accident.
What does it do? I don't know.
I suppose it could do anything.
But it's from the greatest spell book of all.
The Octavo.
The Octavo? Well how did you learn it? When I was a much younger student at the University i agreed to open the Octavo for a bet.
Pint of beer, I think it was.
It was as if it was waiting for me.
I only had a second before the spell leapt from the book and settled in my memory like a toad in a stone.
Well, then what happened? Well, they dragged me out and thrashed me, of course.
Never did get the pint of beer.
What did the spell say, exactly? It had vanished from the page, so nobody will know what it says until I say it.
Or until I die, of course, and then it'll, sort of, say itself.
And nobody knows - what it does? - what it does? To know that, you would need to be Arch Chancellor.
Now you tell me! Why didn't we go over the edge? Because our log hit that rope.
I think it's called the Circumfen.
It runs around the edge of the world.
No, no, you mean the circumference.
The circumference goes round the edge of things.
So does the Circumfence.
I suppose that's the Rimbow.
It's just so beautiful.
Great.
It's a nice view before we die.
Do you see the eighth colour? That's the colour of magic.
Bet you there are a lot of other worlds down there.
Yes, quite a number.
Look, there's one.
Hey, that star's new.
Perhaps you should name it.
What's the point? Who will we tell? We're never gonna get off this rock.
Unless we get in the boat.
Well, unless we get in the what boat? That boat.
Course, I could stay here forever.
I mean On balance, I know I should be very suspicious of that boat but I do like the idea of getting back to dry land.
Are you sure? I'm sure.
Look.
Civilisation.
Lovely to see you're still here, Arch Chancellor.
Do you know what happens when a wizard dies? All the spells that he has memorized says themselves.
It's one of the first things we learn.
It's not quite true with the eight great spells.
A great spell will simply find refuge in the nearest mind ready and open to receive it.
There you are.
You are going to recapture the spell from its host? Allow for wind speed, say, three knots.
Adjust for temperature.
There.
Of course, it'll take a while to get there and kill Rincewind, then the spell will immediately return along the ionised path back here, to me.
Remarkable.
If, dare I say, a little old fashioned.
As for what happens when all eight spells are spoken together, it might interest a wizard now, is it not? Especially when they aspire to wear the big shoes of all.
Oh, becoming your second has always been the limit of my ambition.
Yes, of course it has.
I wish only to acquire knowledge, master.
Which, as we know is power.
And so, for the furtherance of my knowledge, master when the eight spells are said together Oh, to receive that ultimate nugget, you'll have to do much better than that, young man.
Oh, I congratulate you, master.
I can see that we must all get up very early in the morning if we are to get the better of you.
Early in the morning? My dear lad, you'll have to stay all night.
Come.
Galder.
It's the Octavo.
It's going really ape.
Right.
What's going on here? Why are the spells so restless? The key.
Oh! So, back in civilisation.
Yes, it looks like civilisation to me.
Welcome to Krull.
My name is Marchesa.
I hope you're not proposing to enslave us.
Certainly not.
Oh, good.
You will, in fact, be sacrificed.
Thank you for another fine mess, Twoflower.
Come on! Oh.
Oh, here we are, completely trapped in a palace, on an island we have no hope of leaving.
And, what's more, we've Look at all those worlds.
It's fantastic.
Wonder who's gonna be wearing those suits? Someone who isn't going to be sacrificed, that's who.
In the annals of the exploration of our cosmos, many have been the valiant efforts of our cosmochelonians and astrozoologists, in their quest for knowledge of the Great A'Tuin.
And you said we had no way of escaping.
Just keep walking, they'll never know it's us.
But I wasn't expecting an audience.
As soon as we get a chance, we'll make a run for it, ok? But never has the bravery of those who laid down their live before, in the pursuit of the answer to the ultimate question of the sex of the turtle, been more valid by those who, today, venture forth to certain death.
Depths.
Depths! These two specially-trained highly-skilled chelonauts will be honoured by the chronicles of Krull.
Is there a toilet in this suit? I don't think so.
It's just that I think I need to boldly go.
I give you heroes! Not just of Krull, but of the galaxy! On the count of three, we make a run for it, that way.
I don't think it's them.
You don't think anyone's realised, do you? Guards! Guards! To the top of the ship! They won't dare shoot at that.
Back up? Not for me, I'm off.
Perhaps you're right.
To the library! Quick! Head Librarian? Oooook.
To the Great Hall! I wonder if they're gonna send this ship over the edge? Stop, now! This time, I'm definitely going to die.
Surrender! Go! Go! Go! Now, listen we'll tell them that we'll damage the thing unless they let us go.
Right? And that's all we're gonna do, right? Yeah.
That's it.
It'll lift off now.
Stop where you are! Do it now! Oh.
What was that? What was what? I thought I heard something.
"Twelve" That's good, make it look like you're damaging it.
"Ten" I think it's stuck.
Push it! "Nine" You're not messing about with anything in there, are you? No, of course not.
Oh, good.
What is the Octavo doing? To the roof! To the Tower Of Art! How many steps are there? Eight thousand, eight hundred And eighty eight.
Heave! "Nine" "Nine" "Nine" What was that? It doesn't seem to wanna go! What? "Nine" "Eight" That's it, I fixed it! Fixed what? I've got it! We've gotta get off this thing.
"Two!" "One!" "Lift-off!" No.
The stars! The whole damn sky, full of worlds! Places no-one's ever gonna see, except us! Oh! Oh! No! I've not seen that one before.
I don't know the significance of the star.
But that that mist is important.
So, what's happening? I fear the only way to find out exactly is to perform the Rite Of AshkEnte.
Thank you, Arch Chancellor.
Nice try.
That mist is a change spell, created by the Octavo.
The whole world is changing.
For the better, I think.
That's so pretty.
I really should name it.
Has anybody seen the Arch Chancellor? Yes.
And how can I help you? I'll give it a name: "Goodbye World".
I understand that the Octavo was anxious not to lose the eighth spell.
As much as it pains me to say this, Rincewind must not die.
Death.
I've sent someone to find him.
Who? Gentlemen, the light fantastic! The star is life, not death.
Are those things demons? He's opened a pathway.
Wizards die! Who are you? Cohen.
The Barbarian.
We have gone beyond wisdom.
Syncro: tolis, PNCad & PLAGA.
O-ok Ooook Oooook Ooook!! (Made 100% by Terry Pratchett's Fans)
Drifting onwards through space, atop the shell of the great turtle are four giant elephants, upon whose broad shoulders rests the Discworld.
For the people on the Disc, the turtle was a mere hypothesis, until one day the island kingdom of Krull, whose rim-most mountains project over the Rimfall, lowered over the edge, a brass vessel containing several astrozoologists.
Their mission did indeed prove the existence of the Turtle.
Unfortunately, owing to a minor malfunction they were unable to answer an even more fundamental question.
What is the sex of the Turtle? The remaining astrozoologists are never short of a question.
Why does it matter? So, we're gonna look at Turtle's bottom? That won't be very nice, will it? No.
Since the failure of the last mission, this vital question cannot possibly be answered without sending a new expedition over the edge of the Disc in this.
It's a bit small.
It will be somewhat bigger.
Yeah, but where in the world are you gonna find someone stupid enough to go in that? Several thousand miles hubwards from the Rim, in Ankh-Morpork, the Disc's oldest city, the ship arriving in it's dock is carrying Twoflower, the Discworld's first tourist.
He is looking forward to all its sights and smells.
And of course, no tour would be complete without a visit to the city's Unseen University for wizards and its famous Tower of Art.
Terry Pratchett's The Colour of Magic Part One Released by SubXpacio and Tus Series When our story begins, wizards are not very nice.
Carrying the final remains of one of their number, the eight heads of the orders of wizardry have demonstrated great powers of survival, because behind every wizard of the eighth rank, there is at least one seventh rank wizard trying to bump him off.
Old Rumlat, he never saw it coming, you know, Trymon.
Well, you know what they say, Archchancellor, when a wizard is tired of looking for broken glass in his dinner, he is tired of life.
I'm just speculating, obviously.
We are gathered here today to pay our respects to old Rumlat.
A wizard Sorry.
Sorry.
Sorry.
I'm not late, am I? Who is that? Rincewind, Archchancellor.
Rincewind? Have him sent to my office in ten minutes.
Get on with it, Weatherwax, my back's killing me.
Run along, Rincewind.
Yes, sir.
Sorry, Neverbow.
Mister Rincewind, there are, as you know, eight levels of wizardry, to which the aspiring young to which the student can aspire.
In your not inconsiderable time here at the Unseen University, you have failed to reach even level one.
- Yes, but you see - What the Archchancellor's trying to say, is that after decades of teaching you, patience seems not so much a virtue as a life sentence.
- Yes, but - There is simply no room for your kind of person in a modern university.
- I feel - So you leave the Archchancellor no other course of action but to expel you.
But it's only been 40 years.
The hat.
Goodbye, mister Rincewind.
In the competitive world of wizardry, the way to the top is via dead men's pointy shoes.
Even if you have to empty them yourself.
"Asper narogot" - You can't - And don't come back! Now, let me tell you Thank you very much.
Deep in its very bowels, the departure of the Disc's worst wizard from the Unseen University has stirred magic.
FORZADOS, en español FORZADOS, en español FORZADOS, en español Good day to thee, sire.
Goodbye, world.
Disappointing.
Hallo? Hallo yourself.
I wish to be directed to an hotel, tavern, lodging house, inn, hospice.
I wish I know a tavern.
This way.
Sapient pearwood.
The tourist's luggage is no ordinary suitcase.
It has absolutely no brain, and a homicidal attitude towards anything that threatens its master, and would follow him anywhere.
FORZADOS, resincro I wish for an accomodation, a room, lodgings, are your rooms clean, a room with a view, what is your rate for one night, what is for breakfast, where are the bathroom, sir? He's got plenty money.
It'll be two dollars then? And that thing has to stay in the stable.
Two.
Two? Two.
Two.
Two.
It is a bath inside? Shower? There is some shower? It is sapient pearwood.
UNINTELLIGIBLE UNINTELLIGIBLE May I be of assistance? Shove off, Rincewind.
It won't work.
It's the book, you see, it tells him what to say.
It's magic.
FORZADOS, resincro FORZADOS, resincro FORZADOS, resincro FORZADOS, resincro FORZADOS, resincro FORZADOS, resincro FORZADOS, resincro FORZADOS, resincro FORZADOS, resincro FORZADOS, resincro FORZADOS, resincro FORZADOS, resincro FORZADOS, resincro FORZADOS, resincro FORZADOS, resincro So you're a wizard! And you speak Ankh-Morporkean! Yes, I did a correspondence course.
What's all this about then? Well, a tourist should always use his phrasebook so that people will know you're one.
And is that really your luggage? Yes and are you really a wizard? Well I hear the famous Unseen University is a must see.
I was hoping to visit it so that when I get back home I could say that I did that.
It's closed.
For the exams.
Where is your home? Have you heard of Des Pelargic? It's the major seaport, the Agatean Empire.
That's the Counterweight Continent, isn't it? Yes.
We may be small but we're equal in weight to all the major land masses of this hemicircle.
That's because the ancient legend.
It says that it's made of gold.
- Well, it's not made of gold.
- No.
Gold is just a really common metal.
You might like to keep that to ourselves.
On the house.
- Who is he? - He says he's a tourist.
What's that mean, then? I think it means idiot.
Yes.
You are correct in your surmise.
This is, technically, false coinage.
I knew it, I knew it.
I got a nose for a dumb.
What do you mean, technically? Well, you see, our Ankh-Morpork coins contains rather less gold than a pint of sea water.
- I knew it! - But this, my friend, is solid gold.
What? I've gotta get back.
And so, the leaders of a number of the many gangs, guilds, and collections of other nefarious dirt bags of Ankh-Morpork, were aware that someone had arrived in the city who appeared to have much treasure.
Including Emor, its greatest thief.
So no guards? No, why? What do I have that's worth stealing? Well, the trunk.
I mean, there can't be more than two very small wands made of sapient pearwood in all the cities of the Circle Sea, let alone a whole box.
That or the gold.
Barely 2,000 rhinu.
Is a rhinu one of those - big gold coins? - Yes.
Do you think I paid the innkeeper too much? I think he might have settled for less.
I can see I've got a lot to learn.
An idea occurs to me.
Rincewind, would you perhaps consent to be employed as a perhaps the word "guide" would fit the circumstances.
I think I could afford to pay you a rhinu a day.
Dear, I've offended you.
It was an impertinent request, doubtless you have works of high magic to return to.
One of those a day? Two then? - What do you want to see? - I want to see everything.
I mean, genuine morporkean life, you know.
I want to go to the slave markets, the whore pits, Temple of Small Gods the Beggar's Guild and a genuine tavern brawl.
- Well - No, I'm not suggesting we get involved.
I just wanna see it, that's all.
And some of your famous heroes, like Cohen The Barbarian.
You do know him? Yes, of course! Good.
Well So, it's agreed? - Agreed? - Excelent.
Be a good chap, would you, and see to it that the innkeeper shows my luggage to the room.
And I insist you take your first four days' wages in advance.
Broadman, luggage, room! And, perhaps when the exams are finished we could get a peek at the Unseen University? This calls for a picture.
All the best wizards have left! See you, loser! Relax, Withel, the magic chest will come back for its owner and, with it, the gold.
Yes, we'll just have a pic.
Just look over here, Rincewind, and smile.
Rincewind? Hi.
Pult.
Padon Gates The city gates.
Attempting to leave.
The Patrician, the ruler of Ankh-Morpork, may not be particularly fair or even democratic but at least, for the first time in a thousand years, the city works.
This is largely because he knows where everyone is, most of the time, and which dissuasively vicious punishment to exact for whatever they are doing there.
Oath breaking.
The theft of a horse.
Er, no, my Lord Patrician, I didn't steal the horse, I paid for it fairly.
Using false coins, which is technically theft, I think, false coins.
What are we going to do with you, you little scamp? Yes.
- It's the Arena for you, Rincewind.
- What? On top of these, there is the moral obligatory attendant of the cowardly betrayal of a visitor to these shores.
Shame on you, Rincewind.
Will you be requiring a sword or a spear for the Arena? A s-s-s-s XXX XXX XXX Of course we could be merciful.
Should we be merciful? Two rhinu.
One Polyseal.
Oi! That's my door! Door's fine.
Why don't you join me, Zlorf? The Assassins Guild are our friends.
I've come for the tourist.
I thought we had an agreement.
You don't rob, and I don't kill.
I'll kill him and then you can rob him.
If anybody's going to kill him, they'll need to talk to me first.
Get those dwarves out of here! Oh.
Who the hell are you? I am Rerpf and I'm here on behalf of the Guild Of Merchants And Traders to protect our interests.
- Meaning the little man.
- And how long has this guild been in existence, may I ask? Since this afternoon.
I am Vice Guild Master in charge of tourism.
Oh! And what is this tourism, of which you speak? We're not quite sure.
- What's a tourist? - Smile! It's magic! I want you to listen very carefully to what I have to say.
Otherwise, you will die.
In an interesting fashion.
Over a period.
Please stop fidgeting like that.
The Emperor of the Counterweight Continent sent me a letter.
It appears that one of his subjects has taken it into his head to visit our city.
It appears he wishes to look at it.
You will continue to be a guide, Rincewind, to this looker.
This-This Twoflower.
You will make sure he returns home with a good report of our homeland.
- What do you say to that? You say yes.
- I say yes.
- Yes.
- Yes, thank you, Lord.
Thank you.
Because it would be a tragedy should anything untoward happen to our visitor.
It will be dreadful if the tourist were to die, for example.
Cos the Emperor looks after his own and he could certainly extinguish us at a nod, which would be dreadful for you, Rincewind, because I would hope, when the Empire's huge, mercenary fleet arrived, that the avenging captains would find their anger somewhat tempered by the fact that my skilled operatives have just shown you the colour of your liver.
I see, by your face, that understanding dawns.
Good luck.
Oh, there's one other thing.
I'm sure you wouldn't dream of trying to escape from your obligations by, say, running away.
I assure you, Lord, that the thought never even crossed my mind.
Indeed.
Then, if I were you, I would sue my face for slander.
Don't let me detain you.
XXX XXX XXX XXX You.
Alright, alright, alright.
I give in.
Excuse me.
Rincewind, you came back! - I knew you would.
- I I just had to.
It's exciting, isn't it? A genuine tavern brawl.
Better than anything I could have imagined.
Everybody say cheese! Do you think I should thank them or Did you put them up to this? - That's where you were! - I I didn't like to mention it.
Nice throw! We should be leaving.
Shooni! - Beelziba! - Smile! Magic! Er, collapsing spell.
Come along, we gotta go.
Oh.
Ah! That's my luggage.
One more time! Aargh! Attaboy.
So, where's Cohen The Barbarian? Um, he's, er, right behind you.
Look, we really ought to be going.
Fantastic! No-one at home is gonna believe this.
All you do is rotate the lever and the Iconograph does the rest.
You wait here.
It's not good, I've run out of red.
If you wanted red, you shouldn't have took all those pictures of dwarves killing people, should you It's monochrome from now on, friend, - alright? - Yeah.
That's the picture imp.
Yes, of course it is.
You know, Rincewind, I'd like to have you in the picture as well.
Smile please.
Smile.
Smile.
What are we gonna see next? What a great day.
Ah.
Hmm? That's my favourite, with Cohen.
What the Er.
Can you smell oil? I don't think so.
I'll kill that bloody cat.
Here, take this.
- Oh, thanks.
- Don't mention it.
Tavern fights are pretty common around here, no? Oh, yeah, well, it's practically a sport.
So, innkeepers must need a lot of, well, in my language, we'd call it in-ss-urance.
In-sewer-ants? That's a funny word, what's it mean? - XXX - Say you have a tavern built of wood.
- Well, it might burn down.
- Hmm.
You don't want that to happen, so you take out an in-sewer-ants poly-cee, see? And then I work out the odds against it burning down and then add a bit.
And then you pay me some money, based on those odds.
Oh, no.
But, yes.
Well, then if it does burn down, I pay you the value of the tavern.
Oh, it's a bit like a bet, right? - A wager? Yes, I suppose it is.
- Ah.
- Are you sure you can't smell oil? - No.
I can smell burning.
Did you in-sewer the Drum? Luckily for Broadman, I have the rhinu he paid as his first premium.
You bet Broadman that it wouldn't catch fire? Standard valuation 200 rhinu, why? Why do you ask? You-You-You-You dozy idiot! Just carry on as if I'm not here, Rincewind, your appointment is later.
What's next? What's next?! We'll be hung, drawn and quartered if we stay here much longer.
- Why? - What do you mean, why? Why?! Look! The whole of Ankh-Morpork is made of wood.
Aargh! - What about my luggage.
- Bugger your luggage! Tell you what, whoever started that fire, it'd be wise for them to find a fast horse and make themselves very scarce.
- Thank you very much, Twoflower.
- It says that Chirm is lovely at this time of year.
Yes, and very, very dangerous.
Really? Hmm.
- Oh.
- That's the oil bond store going up.
Aaargh! XXX XXX XXX XXX XXX Oh.
Rincewind! - Oh.
- Up.
- Oh.
Oh.
Oh, no.
- Look at that over there.
- Oh, dear God, no.
XXX XXX XXX XXX XXX - Oi! Oi, you! Come back here! That's my horse! Come back! I'm Rincewind.
The Octavo, greatest of all spell books, locked and chained deep in the cellars of the Unseen University.
The spells imprisoned in its pages lead a secret life of their own.
And Rincewind's departure from Ankh-Morpork has left them deeply troubled.
I can't remember it being like this before.
No.
Not since that time a young wizard Oh, dear.
I've expelled him, haven't I? Nobody knows where he is, Librarian.
Not even the Patrician's palace guard.
Though they seem to think he'll turn up, for some reason.
Look, he's the only person in living memory who has actually touched the Octavo with his bare hands.
We have no idea the effect it will have on him in the outside world.
Least when he was a student, we Knew where he was.
Perhaps I've been a bit hasty.
- Who else knows about this? - Nobody, Archchancellor.
Good.
Let's, er, keep it that way, shall we? Oh.
Apart from Greyhold Spold, of course.
His days are probably numbered anyway.
On the subject of which, I haven't seen old Narribolt recently.
That's because he's dead, Archchancellor.
I'm just glad nobody wants to be head librarian.
Perish the thought, Horace.
Oh, I am looking for a book.
New shoes? And new hat, Mr Trymon.
ROOM AT THE TOP ROOM AT THE TOP How to Succeed in Wizardry I Ah.
CONTENTS 1.
The Art of Subprise.
The Knife in the Back.
Secret Passageways.
Suspending Heavy Objects.
SECRET PASSAGEWATS THE ORDERS AND LEVELS OF WIZARDRY Oh, how very neat and tidy.
Did you know that in the event of the Archchancellor's sad demise, he would be succeeded by Greyhold Spold.
He's demonstrated remarkable powers of survival.
Up to now.
I think it's very important to strive for perfection, don't you? - Oh, yes sir - if you want to get to the very top, sir.
- Yes.
The position of head librarian has never really appealed to you, sir? No.
Oh, good.
It is quite possible that the next Archchancellor may well smile upon those who understand the importance of things being well organised.
- Is everything in order down there? - Oh, absolutely.
Everything is in alphabetical order, quite.
So, this is the famous Octavo.
Famous and dangerous.
How long has it been like this? Well It's always been a bit strange, as far back as I can remember.
But, for some reason, it's got rather lively.
Why? I don't know.
Who does? - Greyhold Spold.
- Hmmm? Before my time.
Greyhold Spold.
How convenient.
Rincewind?! Twoflower? Twoflower! Twoflower! Pit of Ultimate Despair.
Dread Tower of Darkness.
Hmm.
Traveller.
The Hospitable Temple of Bel-Shamharoth lies a thousand paces Hubwards.
Hubwards.
Huh.
The Wyrmberg and palace of the Dragon Lord lies a thousand paces Rimwards.
Huh.
Dragons.
I've always wanted to see dragons.
Dragons it is.
Rincewind?! Your lifetime is up, Rincewind.
I can't hang around all day.
I can.
- What have you done with the tourist? - Nothing.
He was lured by the attraction of the Wyrmberg.
So at least the Patrician won't be sending out his men to kill me just yet then.
There is a distinct possibility that he may not need to.
What are you grinning at, huh? I'm sorry, I can't help it.
Now, would you be so kind as to let go? It won't hurt.
- Getting torn to pieces by wolves won't hurt? - It will be over very quickly.
- And, of course, they are an endangered species.
- Oh.
Atoni.
Who are you?! Aaaargh! Oh, you.
Oh, dear.
I wonder if it was something I said Don't think I owe you a debt of gratitude.
One of the consolations of being eaten by wolves was the fact that I would never have to have a near-death experience again, thanks to your owner! 737, 738, 739.
Dragons.
Dragons.
741, 742, 743.
Traveller the Wyrmberg and Palace of The Dragon Lord lies a thousand paces Rimwards.
To Dragons? Nobody believes in them any more.
Secret Passageways.
Bookcase.
Rume.
2rd shelf.
3rd book front.
The xxx.
Pull book.
BINGO I never really wanted to be Archchancellor anyway, - so, if you're here for - For the Octavo, Mr Spald.
You're not here to What about the Octavo? It's rather troubled at the moment.
And it seems that you might be able to tell me why.
Oh.
It's, er, - not all there, you know? - As in mad? As in one spell short of eight.
One of the eight spells is missing? Well, that's rather badly organised.
Certainly extremely dangerous.
So, where is it now? Do think very carefully, Mr Spald.
I really wish I did know, Mr Trymon.
Try breathing through this.
Dark in here, isn't it? Fire's gone out.
Rincewind! Attaboy, and you've brought the luggage.
No, it brought me.
It's amazing, isn't it? - Yes, if you like the physically impossible.
- I think it's just amazing.
Bit under populated though.
Listen.
- Do you think it could be the home of the dragons? - Don't be ridiculous! - Dragons don't exist.
- All my life, I've wanted to see dragons.
I think Aaargh! I don't believe in them! They don't exist! Aaargh! Psst.
- Pssst! - Oh.
- Pssst! - No, just dazed, actually.
- Who said that? - Well, don't just lie there, pull me out! - What? - Come on, come on, pull me out.
You You spoke! I'm a magic sword.
You weren't born with a mysterious birth mark in the shape of a crown, were you? - Um, no.
- No? Oh, just asking.
- Er, were you with the other fellow? - Might have been.
It's just the, er, dragon's got him and so I expect you'll be in a hurry to slay the dragon and rescue him in a fantastic feat of derring-do! - No, not really, no.
- Come on.
Come on! Right, take a firm grip.
Ooh, that's good, that's good.
Could be worse, this could have been an anvil.
Huh.
- Aaargh! - Finally! The dragon's headed hubwards! Even if they did exist, - I'm not cut out for dragons.
- Nothing to it.
- I'll show you! - Aaargh! Ah, Ah.
Ah, Ah.
Right, I suggest we start with the one in the trees.
Over there.
No, you don't.
You see, there's nothing there.
Oh.
You can start with her instead.
OK? - OK?! - I don't know how to be a hero.
Obviously.
But I propose to teach you.
Look, I'll be frank, I've worked with far better material than you but it's either that or I'll chop your head off! - I mean it.
- Alright, alright.
Good boy.
There's an ambitious wizard on the loose.
I think a certain degree of vigilance would be in order.
Especially if he's talked to Trymon.
- Any suggestions? - Oh, well, obviously, you attack.
Oh! Why didn't I think of that? Because you're a defeatist.
On your marks, get set, go! Ha-ha! XXX you.
End the game.
XXX XXX XXX XXX XXX left.
- Ha-ha! - Ha-haaa.
I ever tell you about the time I was thrown into a lake? - Aargh! - Let's have a look at you, Madam! - Where is the tourist? - He's been taken back to the Wyrmberg.
- What is this Wyrmberg? - The Wyrmberg.
It is dragon home.
- They don't exist.
- But I suppose you'll be wanting to rescue your friend? - My point precisely.
- He's not my friend.
But I suppose you'd better take me to this Wyrmberg of yours.
Leoleft Oh, listen.
I didn't I didn't know dragons were see-through! - Didn't you? - No! - Watch him as we get closer to the Wyrmberg.
- Oh, no! That, at least, is very marginally better.
- Jump now.
- What?! Surrender.
- Never.
- Um, er, er, never.
Of course not.
- He's a hero, isn't he? - I taught him myself.
And what is your name, hero? - Um - So that we know - who you were.
- Er, my name is Is, er, Rincewind of Ankh.
And I am Liessa Dragonlady.
You are to challenge me in mortal combat.
- No.
No, I can't.
- You are mistaken.
Liort, help our hero into a pair of hog boots.
- I am sure he is anxious to get started.
- Aaargh! No, really! Aaargh! - If you are looking after my - You will see your friend soon enough.
If you are religious, I mean.
None who enter the Wyrmberg ever leave again.
Except metaphorically speaking, of course.
Oh, My Trymon.
Good day, Archchancellor.
Oh.
New new shoes and hat, huh? Well, you, er, came to see me? Yes.
I've taken the liberty of doing a little research.
Ah.
About the Octavo, perhaps? Yes.
- It appears that one of the great spells is missing.
-Ah.
And you were wondering, purely for - administrative purposes, where it might have got to.
- Well, yes.
Do you know, Archchancellor? Well, if I did I think I've forgotten.
Oh.
Oh! Old Spold did.
Oh, no, no, too late.
He's already popped his pointy shoes, hasn't he? You know, he always had difficulty breathing, even before he managed to seal himself, in his own room, from the outside.
Yes.
Great shame about Spold.
Ha.
Just clouds.
Oh.
I expect this is all some sort of a misunderstanding.
I expect they'll release me soon.
They seem rather civilised.
And when I get back, I can tell people that I saw dragons.
Imagine that.
Ha.
Dragons.
Aaargh! I obey, Lord.
Obey? Of course, Lord.
Open it? Huh.
Huh, Ah.
Archchancellor? Archchancellor? Such a great shame.
Um, about? Spold, you mean? Yes.
Is that all, Trymon? Yes, Arch Chancellor.
Very good.
Oh, Trymon? As you leave, could you tidy the sprung heavy axe device some prankster student has rigged above my door? It seems to have malfunctioned.
I shall have it seen to, Arch Chancellor.
Oh, and I do hope Spold's shoes are not too small for you.
We fight to the death.
Yours.
I suppose I ought to warn you that I have a magic sword.
That's me.
What a coincidence.
Hello! He-llo.
Oh, no.
Prepare to be defeated.
Going well, isn't it? Call yourself a magic sword? Pah! Yeah, I do, actually.
Ha, ha! Aargh! Yuuuhuu! Hang on, Rincewind, hang on.
Let go, damn you, or we'll both die.
That's easy for you to say.
Why dont you save me? What have you got to lose? Is that you? Does that mean that I'm gonna die? You're a fine-looking dragon, by the way, even if you did just turn up.
You summoned me, Master.
You have the power.
You mean, I just thought of you and there you were? Yes.
I've thought of dragons all my life.
The power only works near the Wyrmberg.
As the dragons fly further away, we begin to dwindle and fade.
All Dragonlords have the power, as, of course, does the Dragonlady Liessa, who, incidentally, is trying to hack your friend to pieces as we speak.
What?! Shoot him! Ashoni! Ebriate! Oh, no, not you! Whoo! How was that? You alright? What's the matter? Aren't you scared of heights? No, why should I be? You're just as dead if you fall fr 40 feet as from 4,000 fathoms, that's what I say.
It's not the actual falling, it's more the hitting that worries me.
Do you think dragons can fly all the way to the stars? Because that would be something.
I think you might be mad.
That's where we camped.
But I didn't tell you about the time Oh, the sword.
You alright? Oh, yeah.
Come on, now! Hyagh! Hyagh! Hello?! Magic sword here! If anyone can hear me out there, what I could do with right now is someone who doesn't realise they're an orphan born in mysterious circumstances.
Are you alright? What's happening to the air? Dragons.
Dragons, dragons, yes.
Think of dragons.
Dragons.
Dragons.
Dragons.
It won't work.
You don't really believe in them.
Dragons!! Meanwhile, at the very edge of the world, the Krullians have not given up on their quest to determine the sex of the turtle.
Are the chelonauts ready, launch controller? Indeed, Arch Astronomer.
How long to the doorway? The launch window, your Prominence.
12 hours, when Great A'Tuin's tail will be in an unmatched position to determine its sex.
And all that remains is to find an appropriate couple of sacrifices.
The ocean shall provide.
It always does.
Look at the horizon.
It's alright.
Admittedly, there seems to be a lot less than there usually is.
We're being carried over the edge! We're going to run out of world! We are? I absolutely have to see that! Help! Rincewind.
Rincewind! Don't mind me.
I've got a book to read.
I don't want to leave this world! A prospect immensely troubling to the Octavo.
It's you.
I just came to see Arch Chancellor Weatherwax.
Do you have an appointment? I've never needed an appointment before.
Well, the Arch Chancellor's never been organised before.
- It's just - Look the Arch Chancellor is going to have been very ill, quite soon.
And must not be disturbed.
Can you smell burning? Have I been smoking in my sleep? I could have sworn I was wearing my shoes.
Why don't you come with me instead? There's something I know you really want to show me.
Trymon.
Oh, dear.
You'd better not monkey around with it, or who knows what'll happen.
The last person who went near it Yes? Well, it was a long time ago.
All I'm saying is he never passed any exams after.
As a matter of interest, after the last time, what exactly did they do to Rincewind? I never said anything about Rincewind.
Rincewind? Oh, oh.
Did i say Rincewind? I meant whichever perpetual student wizard it was, who monkeyed around with the Octavo.
Rincewind! So when the spell left the Octavo where, exactly, did it go? Get off, will you?! Are you saying you want me to stop? Yes, stop, will you?! Stop saving your life? That's actually twice now.
Oh, thank you.
Say again? I said thank you! Stop that! Will you stop that?! Look, a polite shake of the hand, having first checked for poison needles in the palm, in that old, quaint, Ankh-Morporkean tradition, would be sufficient! I'm on the edge of the world! Seeing things that most people can only dream of.
On an adventure of visions and wonders, unimaginable in one lifetime.
It's all thanks to you, Rincewind.
You forgot the near-death experiences.
Well, I like to think of them as edge-of-life ones.
With the best guide a little old in-sewerance clerk from Bes Pelargi could ever hope for.
Well, I would have been fine, of course.
Even falling from the Wyrmberg.
Because to stop falling to certain death is only a Level Two spell.
Actually, I was, sort of, hoping, that you could do some you know? What, magic? Like what? In a fight, you could turn people into worms.
Ah.
No, no, no.
Turning people into animals is an eighth-level spell.
Look the thing is, I never really completed my training.
I only know one spell.
And even that I got by accident.
What does it do? I don't know.
I suppose it could do anything.
But it's from the greatest spell book of all.
The Octavo.
The Octavo? Well how did you learn it? When I was a much younger student at the University i agreed to open the Octavo for a bet.
Pint of beer, I think it was.
It was as if it was waiting for me.
I only had a second before the spell leapt from the book and settled in my memory like a toad in a stone.
Well, then what happened? Well, they dragged me out and thrashed me, of course.
Never did get the pint of beer.
What did the spell say, exactly? It had vanished from the page, so nobody will know what it says until I say it.
Or until I die, of course, and then it'll, sort of, say itself.
And nobody knows - what it does? - what it does? To know that, you would need to be Arch Chancellor.
Now you tell me! Why didn't we go over the edge? Because our log hit that rope.
I think it's called the Circumfen.
It runs around the edge of the world.
No, no, you mean the circumference.
The circumference goes round the edge of things.
So does the Circumfence.
I suppose that's the Rimbow.
It's just so beautiful.
Great.
It's a nice view before we die.
Do you see the eighth colour? That's the colour of magic.
Bet you there are a lot of other worlds down there.
Yes, quite a number.
Look, there's one.
Hey, that star's new.
Perhaps you should name it.
What's the point? Who will we tell? We're never gonna get off this rock.
Unless we get in the boat.
Well, unless we get in the what boat? That boat.
Course, I could stay here forever.
I mean On balance, I know I should be very suspicious of that boat but I do like the idea of getting back to dry land.
Are you sure? I'm sure.
Look.
Civilisation.
Lovely to see you're still here, Arch Chancellor.
Do you know what happens when a wizard dies? All the spells that he has memorized says themselves.
It's one of the first things we learn.
It's not quite true with the eight great spells.
A great spell will simply find refuge in the nearest mind ready and open to receive it.
There you are.
You are going to recapture the spell from its host? Allow for wind speed, say, three knots.
Adjust for temperature.
There.
Of course, it'll take a while to get there and kill Rincewind, then the spell will immediately return along the ionised path back here, to me.
Remarkable.
If, dare I say, a little old fashioned.
As for what happens when all eight spells are spoken together, it might interest a wizard now, is it not? Especially when they aspire to wear the big shoes of all.
Oh, becoming your second has always been the limit of my ambition.
Yes, of course it has.
I wish only to acquire knowledge, master.
Which, as we know is power.
And so, for the furtherance of my knowledge, master when the eight spells are said together Oh, to receive that ultimate nugget, you'll have to do much better than that, young man.
Oh, I congratulate you, master.
I can see that we must all get up very early in the morning if we are to get the better of you.
Early in the morning? My dear lad, you'll have to stay all night.
Come.
Galder.
It's the Octavo.
It's going really ape.
Right.
What's going on here? Why are the spells so restless? The key.
Oh! So, back in civilisation.
Yes, it looks like civilisation to me.
Welcome to Krull.
My name is Marchesa.
I hope you're not proposing to enslave us.
Certainly not.
Oh, good.
You will, in fact, be sacrificed.
Thank you for another fine mess, Twoflower.
Come on! Oh.
Oh, here we are, completely trapped in a palace, on an island we have no hope of leaving.
And, what's more, we've Look at all those worlds.
It's fantastic.
Wonder who's gonna be wearing those suits? Someone who isn't going to be sacrificed, that's who.
In the annals of the exploration of our cosmos, many have been the valiant efforts of our cosmochelonians and astrozoologists, in their quest for knowledge of the Great A'Tuin.
And you said we had no way of escaping.
Just keep walking, they'll never know it's us.
But I wasn't expecting an audience.
As soon as we get a chance, we'll make a run for it, ok? But never has the bravery of those who laid down their live before, in the pursuit of the answer to the ultimate question of the sex of the turtle, been more valid by those who, today, venture forth to certain death.
Depths.
Depths! These two specially-trained highly-skilled chelonauts will be honoured by the chronicles of Krull.
Is there a toilet in this suit? I don't think so.
It's just that I think I need to boldly go.
I give you heroes! Not just of Krull, but of the galaxy! On the count of three, we make a run for it, that way.
I don't think it's them.
You don't think anyone's realised, do you? Guards! Guards! To the top of the ship! They won't dare shoot at that.
Back up? Not for me, I'm off.
Perhaps you're right.
To the library! Quick! Head Librarian? Oooook.
To the Great Hall! I wonder if they're gonna send this ship over the edge? Stop, now! This time, I'm definitely going to die.
Surrender! Go! Go! Go! Now, listen we'll tell them that we'll damage the thing unless they let us go.
Right? And that's all we're gonna do, right? Yeah.
That's it.
It'll lift off now.
Stop where you are! Do it now! Oh.
What was that? What was what? I thought I heard something.
"Twelve" That's good, make it look like you're damaging it.
"Ten" I think it's stuck.
Push it! "Nine" You're not messing about with anything in there, are you? No, of course not.
Oh, good.
What is the Octavo doing? To the roof! To the Tower Of Art! How many steps are there? Eight thousand, eight hundred And eighty eight.
Heave! "Nine" "Nine" "Nine" What was that? It doesn't seem to wanna go! What? "Nine" "Eight" That's it, I fixed it! Fixed what? I've got it! We've gotta get off this thing.
"Two!" "One!" "Lift-off!" No.
The stars! The whole damn sky, full of worlds! Places no-one's ever gonna see, except us! Oh! Oh! No! I've not seen that one before.
I don't know the significance of the star.
But that that mist is important.
So, what's happening? I fear the only way to find out exactly is to perform the Rite Of AshkEnte.
Thank you, Arch Chancellor.
Nice try.
That mist is a change spell, created by the Octavo.
The whole world is changing.
For the better, I think.
That's so pretty.
I really should name it.
Has anybody seen the Arch Chancellor? Yes.
And how can I help you? I'll give it a name: "Goodbye World".
I understand that the Octavo was anxious not to lose the eighth spell.
As much as it pains me to say this, Rincewind must not die.
Death.
I've sent someone to find him.
Who? Gentlemen, the light fantastic! The star is life, not death.
Are those things demons? He's opened a pathway.
Wizards die! Who are you? Cohen.
The Barbarian.
We have gone beyond wisdom.
Syncro: tolis, PNCad & PLAGA.
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