Testees (2008) s01e01 Episode Script

Gas Pills

Bad news kiddo: it's our last cracker.
I've got some good news We only neeed 599 $ and 27 more cents for rent.
You know what we need to do? get more couches We gotta go back I'm not going back All right? We're giving all to take this shown and shown speech; so was embarrassing how to come back to that hell hole? 20 minutes and we are done Easy money and will happen to saves lifes Ron, i will never, ever, ever, - ever - Amy will be there - All right, this is the last time.
- Last time.
- I'm not high five with you - All right! testees s01e01 "Gas Pills" Oh, here we go again!! My favourite testees back from early retirement Man, that was the biggest screwiest speech in the historyof screwiest speeches I was impressed, Marcel would be so excited to you back.
Marcel? I owe you 20 bucks.
Hey, gimme your cell phone - why? - because Marcel is going to humiliate us and i don't want it posted on the internet and please stop tagging me! Ok? Just stop it because a lot's got in every picture you take of me Well, well, well you told me to take this job and show it where? Up my re-end but look look at my re-end.
Do you see your job is there? both of you if you want your job is back get on your knees and lick my feet - Please, don't make us do that! - Do it.
I'll do it.
It's not a big deal So good! Very good!! Welcome to Testico.
Is that Larry? What's wrong with him? I'll say this guy is some sort of a lame or tumor you bailed last week, we're worried you missed the penis enlargement sprays You've got the penis enlargement spray? my winner is so big you could help to holding it Nice pants, Larry some chic left 'em on my house last night and you just put 'em on? what she goes home in? an ambulance.
- why don't we get the penis spay? - you think you're having it back? in my country top scientist.
famous, very famous.
i worked on top speciment Air Force pilote.
I saw tough faces on them and i make them "bah"! Dr Green? May I please get the placebo, because, Ron had it last time - and faire's faire, we should alternate it - no I cannot tell you that is it? that was easy! I don't think this is a sanitary it's not in no Please, use some gelly ! Hey, Amy, what's your favourite Disney movie? I'm busy, Larry Guess for mine is What? - Dumbo.
- Oh my God, Jesus! You can call me, Larry.
that's gargantuan! - It's not even hard.
- It's hard to resist.
- does it work, can you actually use - shhh come find out would you say "Laky Dazzicle" is a symptom? - No.
No i would not - Could be the pill.
Ronnie, would you like to hear what I've wrote on my symptom support? - Sure.
- Swollen feet, morning sickness, constipation, strange food cravings, hot flashes, loop swings, sore asshole, but that could be from the robot rape Probably.
Oh, this is interesting sleep blooding - Whay you think of that, Ronnie? - Yeah You know, the mention I'll feel little blooded enough clearly, you got the placebo and i've got whatever crazy pill they gave me and now look at me! Why? You're not good? Thank you Ron, what a relieve.
Do me a favor!! Pass me your coffee there That's rigth, gimme your coffee.
Come on! like that, boy Here you go, kiddo!! Wait rigth there What are you doing in there? - What is that? - Pregnancy test.
Ron, i'm non mode for yuor joke.
Just, please, get me the Testico.
Humor me, okay? seeto pee on this then 20 seconds or it could be 20 minutes - you told me to pee on the thing - oh, fuoh, fuck, what are you doig? I can't stop mainstream, i'm sorry All this is ridiculous, okay I know I look pregnant but I'm not actually pregnant You're pregnant Ronnie, I can't have a baby through my penis, - it's not possible - no, no, no It's not coming out at your penis, it's coming out at your ass Why would that coming out at my ass, you idiot!! Because that's where they put the pill in it coming out at the same hole that the sperm pill went in Ronnie, did you ejaculate doing a copy of any point on last week ? not at Testico.
You get now a phone and you call Testico Because they have crossed the line! I hope it's human, i just hope it's human Just take it easy Just relax in there I pound some camomille, for you ? a green tea? What are you doing? You're not killing this baby, okay? I'm not gonna let you You gonna help me to raise the tipi, Pocahontas? I'm afraid to touch it, just do whatever you do to get it out Put the bag on.
what, should I have a kinda hole in it? Am i get to go down on you? You're not Let's keep it simple, okay? we are not making love here, Larry Think of this is a biology experiment for me All right.
Ignition sequence started Oh, say, can you see, by the Larry? Great Is gonna be fine My idiot cousin had a baby, it's nothing what cousin had a baby? Sharon.
the woman with the vagina - All right, I don't know anything about raising a baby - Come one.
a women can do it! okay Remember when we built that showing unit? we didn't know anything about putting up shelves but wewe red a book - yeah - and we did it.
we did it, we put that shelf up - together - and what happen to that shelf, Ron? it collapse and then we burn it together see you are sayingwe have this baby and what's case scenario we burn the baby and we do that together I think you should burn the baby, it's your baby, i mean i don't want any part of that Ron, you are a very stupid man usual Kate - the same - No, more milk Peter, did you cut your hair? or lose weight or something? - you look great.
- ah, ah, very funny.
Not, seriously Larry, you look terrible - How is that hanging? - it's not hanging it's dragging This thing is nothing but trouble it's so big, then when i get the born on, i passed out oh, boo hoo, your dick's too big cry in your river you are failing because you don't have enough blood you just need a blood transfusion for your x-long.
- would that work? - of course, you can get some blood at Testico Gotta run away Pete why all the women here starring at you? I though they were starring at cookzilla wait a minute.
What is going on here? Ehi, this is for you for me, from who? the lady down at the other end of the bar - seriously? - I don't know, i'm telling you men there is something about you you're all glowed Okay, what just happen there? Can pregnant men have sex? It's gotta be the baby! Why? Women sense it, they're drown to you and they don't even know why, it's like a sixth sense.
you got something no other man has - Dude, I feel like a rock star.
- You are! but if yougive out the baby, all just go away yeah, and if i keep it? if you keep it you'll be the first man to give birth you'll be world famous your name in lights - "Peter Cooper".
- everyone's gonna have a piece of you.
celebrities Jay-Z calling! "So, P-daddy ? some girl with you and the baby, Yo" sup-over? and the money how you be rolling in filthy green money! - it'll be like a dream! - yeah and just send the kit up to military school, you don't even have to deal with it okay - okay - yeah I'm gonna get mommy! it's it Pete's pregnant, we really need your help Okay, whatever Ehy, pumpkin - What do you want? - Good news.
blood worked.
Bad news? we need more! More? What happened? You're an idiot.
I risk my job stealing that for you see if you could wank? Look, i don't know about this, Larry Maybe we should just, forget it You'll be back and three, two, one, breathe! two, three, four, five, and pushing! Second contraction! - Come on, you can do it! You could do it! - You gotta get the phone.
Get the phone - and my pity of middle-wife.
- anyway we are doing great.
- just gimme that, I'm taking a huge dumb.
- no, it feels good.
Hello, dad's speaking You good for 10:20 tomorrow? - Who is it? - Testico, they want a sample.
a sample? hang up the phone, hang up the hang up the phone - hang on.
- hang up! they want a sample? - they want a sample? - yeah they wanna take our baby - they can't take our baby! - we sign a contract ! they own our baby!! - Okay.
We gotta get outta here - Get the stuff, put it in the case, and hurry! Don't forget the breast pump Listen! It's Testico, I think they've fucked the place into the car hurry! Ron, wait up! Maniac! A'ght, we're we going? - New York ? - Boring.
Mexico? Really? Vegas ! Vegas! Yeah Sin city! Come on, get this popi going! Vegas ! Oh, great! All right we'll hide out in that bus there Come on, Pete ! - Run, Pete ! - "Run".
- You wanna gimme a miscarriage? -but you can at least hurry up, come on! Come on, easy.
You take it esy Ron, I like your César salad and some pea soup.
some bruschette, with mashed potatoes I like your carrot-cake, and the cheese-cake, old Cheddar.
Ron, it's not just you anymore it's gonna be three of us, we're family I don't think you get that Surprise, surprise.
One bag, let's do it! that's good for a semi! Oh, OhRon!! - I'm having a baby! - uh? you are having a baby!! - oh, manoh, man - okay, okay oh, come on Hurry, hurry okay, okay Okay I think I've got the tip in! oh! Oh, my God! 3, 2, 1 and Push! Okay, okay, okay 3, 2, 1, breathe 2, 3, 4, 5 and push Push! you see? It just pottering! - I'm cumming, I'm cumming - What? No! - it's coming - push, push Uh, you are great, baby Uh, was incredible that work for 6 seconds? the 6 seconds of your life Larry Gasoline tablets for better fuel efficiency and cars why would they test the tablet? for gas things, some cubic It doesn't make sense! - I know - It doesn't make sense! I know I gotta tell ya, now that it's all over I feela little empty I think i was growing attached to the little guy You're suffering for post-partum depression Ya see, you haven't lost your sense of humor! - you've been spent 15 00 $ on that - boga-bill, i know, i'm sorry I hadda have the boga-bill I hadda have the boga-bill Hello it's Testico.
they wanted to know if we can coming to test a new pill that's a thousand times more powerful than LSD - Ron? - Right? will do it
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