Testees (2008) s01e02 Episode Script

Pill for Men

Tingles If you ignore all the electric wiresrunning into your penis I'm sure it's for a good cause, Some scientific research that will better the world some how.
Maybe it's an experiment to study how stupid two people can actually be to allow this to happen.
It's not that bad.
We get paid to lie back and get our wiener zapped.
Doesn't it bother you Ron that we're lying 6 feet away from the machine blasting radioactive gamma rays at us and the only part of our bodies not protected is our balls ? Never really wanted kids anyway.
I should have booked another flight just to get to your car.
- Why are you even here dad ? You told me yesterday that you finally had a job so I came out here to see for myself.
- I did ? I mean, yeah, yeah, I do.
Now you listen sonny boy, I just want to see your face when I find out you bull shitted me again.
Do you feel any different ? I don't know, maybe a little top heavy.
Sweet jesus ! Oh my god ! Look at you.
I have breasts.
What have they done to me ? Come on ! My dick is gone.
You bastard.
The affects are temporary.
How can they be temporary ? My penis is gone.
Your penis'aren't gone, we just reduced the size of them.
Why ? It's an experimental gender reassignment procedure.
As sex change.
I didn't want a sex change.
It's not a true sex change.
Your male anatomy is still intact, just modified.
Modified how ? By cutting off the blood supply and exposing it to massive levels of radiation.
We managed to shrink the penis.
Then using those nerve endings we've created a fully realized clitoris anby stretching and expanding the urethra.
We've created a simulation of a vaginal cavity.
Can you change us back ? it's reversible.
All it will be is a grueling 6 hour surgical marathon.
So now we know what happened to our schlongs.
What about these tits ? That's glandular swelling from the radiation.
Unexpected, but it does complete the look.
What look, circus freak ? - Change us back.
- In 72 hours.
When I was a child my mom used to dress me as a girl.
I was in therapy for years.
This is not a good thing for me.
You signed up for this job.
Take it like a man.
It just looks so weird.
like gushy.
- Does yours have flaps too ? - Flaps ? Like beef curtains ? Mine looks like a pastrami sandwich.
I'm going to go shave my my pussy.
You're going to shave your pussy ? Maybe a little landing strip or something You could cut yourself, its dangerous Ron.
- Let me do it for you.
- I'm good, - I'll be in the shower.
- You sure ? I don't mind.
Come on, where are you ? Honey ? Have a situation here.
Pete, what do you want ? nothing.
Look how erect my nipples got in the shower.
That is so cool.
Let me dry them for you.
Its okay, I've got it.
Hey I was thinking, maybe it's not such a bad thing.
I had a carrot stuck in my vagina.
So guess what Kate, my dad's in town, he's going to come by the bar later tonight.
I'm so excited for you to finally meet him.
- No what ? - No, whatever it is, no ! - I didn't ask anything.
- Let me guess.
You want me to go along with some lame ass story that you made up to impress your father.
No, I'm not going to do it.
Kate, my dad thinks I'm a loser.
Really ? Yeah, he does.
He also thinks I'm queer.
I need to pretend I'm running this bar.
Why not just pretend that you're an adult ? My whole life I've bull shitted my old man and he's called me on everything and I just one time, just this time I want to be able to trick him, lie to him and get away with it.
You're so twisted and sad.
I know.
Please ? But only for one night and you don't touch anything behind the bar.
- Got it ? - Got it.
Hi guys.
- You guys - What ? - Have tits.
- And guess what we don't have ? - Bras.
- Balls.
- We're chicks.
- This is impossible.
I mean how ? Another wonderful Testico experiment.
- And they're only temporary.
- It's incredible.
You guys are girls.
We are going to have so much fun.
Fun ? What did you have in mind ? Hello sir.
Scotch ? Rocks or ice ? That's a bottle of peppermint schnapps you ninny.
Good eye.
The man knows his scotches.
So this is your bar ? Yeah, it's not much but I like it.
Went for the'tears'thing.
- Yes Charles, I can see your personality shing through here.
It's for the clients dad, they really dig the vibe.
Oh, vibe.
What are those stupid things on the wall supposed to be ? Amoebas.
- Maybe tears.
- Whatever you want dad.
- You want me to keep going idiot ? - Sure.
- This isn't your goddamn bar.
- It is.
I'm the proprietor.
You just happened to get a half a million bucks, open a homo bar and never mentioned it before ? This is, this is beautiful.
This is worth the trip you know, seeing you stew in your bold face lies again.
You know the only pleasure you give me boy is letting me pull the rug out from under you over and over again.
You don't have a fancy loft being fumigated or a Or a boat in dry dock Or a hot girlfriend who happens to be out of town.
Look you can't fool your old man.
You never could.
- I do have a girlfriend.
- Here we go again.
Its true dad and her parents love me.
We're thinking of tying the knot.
This is pure gold.
- Now I guess I'm going to meet her.
- Of course, eventually.
She's really busy.
Tell you what ; you know, you need me to disappear, give you some time to geta hooker or put a wig on a penguin or something ? Everybody, say hello to Rhonda and Patricia.
Actually as a matter of fact, here she is now.
Dad, meet my fiance and her friends.
We're her friends.
Say hi to dad.
I'll have that schnapps now.
Make it a double.
Patricia, how long have you been dating Charles ? Who's Charles ? Such a kidder.
I gotta go to the can.
You can sort out your stories while I'm gone.
- Way to go.
Nice one.
- I've had enough.
I've had my free steak, I'm leaving.
You're not going anywhere.
I need you to convince my dad.
- Your dad is anasshole Charles.
- I know Besides I've got bigger issues to deal with, like this whole woman thing.
Please Peter, don't go.
I'm leaving.
I'm tired, I'm moody, Oh jesus, I think I need a tampon.
Where'd Miss America go ? She's a Dr.
so there was an emergency at the hospital.
She's a Dr.
What kind of Dr.
what does she specialize in ? Oh you know, the regular stuff, spinal cords.
And she never mentioned it.
You'd think she'd want her future father in law to know that she's a spinal surgeon ? That's why I love her.
I got tell you this, she's bony, scraggly, saggy tits and she's got a beard.
It reminds me of your mother when she was young.
Mom ? I'll give you $1,000 if you get her to bone me in my hotel room.
That's disgusting.
That's my fiance you're talking about.
What do you take me for ? I'm offended that you think I'd let you bone the woman of my dreams for $1,000.
Do you want the money or not ? Okay.
Okay, thank you.
Kate, this sucks.
I got creeps all over me, groping my ass and perfect tits.
I'm glad you finally get it.
Men are pigs.
Let them buy you a couple of drinks, smile at them, pretend you want to blow them and then you just sneak away at the end of the night.
You know what, I don't want to flirt with dudes, I want to flirt with hot chicks like us.
It sounds like you're a lesbian Rhonda.
I am a lesbian.
You know what, I know a couple of lesbians.
Let's just have a dyke night at the bar.
Oh my god, this is my dream.
I'm going to be part of a dyke night.
Oh my god, I'm going to finally bang a lesbian.
No way Nugget.
Are you sick ? Never ! I am not having sex with your dad.
I can't believe you're even asking.
Dude, we're talking about $800.
- We'll split it.
It's no big deal.
- No big deal Nugget ? You're pimping me out to your father.
And even if I were crazy enough to want to, I can't.
I think I'm on my period.
Oh gross.
What's the string for ? I don't know but look I made a nunchucks.
See ? Look I have a plan.
Boy, I can't wait to hear this.
- I have a roofie, we'll drug him.
- Why do you have a roofie Nugget ? In case I'm having an enchanted evening with a special lady.
Men are such pigs.
My old man has a scotch every night.
You'll chit chat, drop the roofie in his drink, he'll pass out, get naked, put him to bed, wake up in the morning, tell him he was great.
- $400.
- Why am I only getting half ? He's my dad.
I negotiated the deal.
- He only wanted to pay $200.
- That bastard.
- What does he think ? I'm a cheap whore ? - That's what I said.
My friend is not street hooker.
Thank you Nugget.
I'm not.
You're a classy whore worth at least $380.
What happened to $400 ? I gotta charge you $20 for the roofie.
I'm just a simple girl.
Just give me an old fashioned double ended dildo any day of the week and Bob's your Uncle.
Rhonda, how long you been a lesbian ? - Been into chicks all my life.
- Love em.
Guys are stupid.
They're dinks smell like old bologna sandwiches.
Oh my god, that is so true.
Ladies, this is Angela.
Angela, the girls.
- Love your hair.
- Thanks.
This seat taken ? But this one's available.
Please sit down.
Sit down please.
I'm just going to go off to the men's room.
Love it.
- That's my ex-girlfriend.
- What ? She's a lesbian.
I didn't know she dated guys.
I heard she was lesbo but I never believed it.
Can't believe she didn't recognize me.
Oh my gosh, if you do her, that would be amazing.
That would be one of the greatest lesbian sex stories of all time.
You have to bang her.
- Just keeps the drinks coming.
- Go ! - Hi big boy.
- Well it took you long enough.
Did you scrub your cleage ? Well you are a smooth talker.
- Do you have the money ? - Oh, I paid Charles, he pays you.
Fine, I could sure use a drink and I bet you could use one too.
Scotch ? No, come on, no need to dilly dally Oh, how many kids you got ? I really think we should have that drink first.
- I don't think so.
Get your hands off me ! You got spunk.
I like that.
Jesus Jesus can't save you now honey bee.
Come on ? Sick get your hands of - Wade ! - Phyllis ! You bastard ! Not again ? - This is a business associate.
- Bullshit Wade, you're such a liar.
Nugget, this is really not what it looks like.
She's not even attractive.
She's hideous.
Hideous ? - That's a bit harsh.
- Get out whore.
Go back to your gutter.
I'm sorry.
I have a legendary toy collection.
Oh really.
I love using toys too.
You do ? What's your favorite ? Oh, so many the big fist and the rubber big giant black what about you ? I love anything that vibrates and I love a girl who knows how to use it properly.
I know how to use a vibrator.
Guys have no clue how to please a chick.
I wouldn't know, I've never been with one.
You're so lucky.
There's a few guys I wish I'd never been with I'll bet.
Were they all bad or, you know anyone in particular ? Most of them were okay.
This one guy, Rob or Ron something, he had no idea where the clitoris was.
I've never faked so many orgasms in all my life.
My god, sounds like a total loser.
- Was he good looking or something ? - Not at all.
He was scrawny weakling.
He had a tiny dick, small hands, these big buggy eyes Oh really.
Must have been something cool about him.
No, he basically turned me into a lesbian.
I don't want to talk about him.
It turns me off just thinking about him.
Yeah, me too.
Let's get naked.
I feel so dirty.
You still on the rag ? I can't have a period because I don't have ovaries.
So what about the bleeding ? Apparently you're not supposed to stick a carrot in your urethra.
That's good to know.
I've been a woman for one day and I'm a slut.
Yeah, way to go.
Broke up my parent's 50-year marriage.
I'm a worse woman than I am a man.
How did I ever agree to this ? I mean was it really worth it for a measly few hundred bucks ? Ask yourself that question.
Speaking of which, you still owe me the money.
It's not my fault your mom showed up.
I don't have it.
The deal was you wake up nude next to my dad, we get the cash, quid quo pro.
By the way you still owe me $20 for the roofie.
You are a sleaze ball.
- What are you trying to say ? - Get my money Or I'll tell your mom you sent me to sleep with your dad.
Where's Rhonda ? - Banging a lesbian.
- What ? I've been getting groped by Nugget's sleazy dad and he's out boning lesbos ? I want to bone a lesbo.
Greatest sexual experience of my life ! Oh my god ! I think I'm still coming ! - That's great.
- Oh god, incredible.
I just cannot believe how many times I came.
Oh god, that never happens I usually have one.
Oh my How many orgasms did you have ? - None actually.
- What ? Why not ? I don't know.
I guess I wasn't really that into it.
Are you kidding ? You didn't like the thing that I was doing ? The tongue action ? Honestly, you were kind of too slobbery and you rushed it.
I mean you're a woman, you should know where my g-spot is.
- I was going to get to it eventually.
- You were terrible.
Come on ? Was I ? So bad I don't want to be a lesbian anymore.
You gotta be kidding me.
You just you turned me off women, okay.
Thanks to you I'm going back to guys.
You almost woke up twice last night.
My tushy hurts.
Can I have my butt plug back ?
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