Testees (2008) s01e07 Episode Script

Kicking the Bucket List

Pete, I think I know what they injected us with: invisibility potion.
I can see you.
That's cause you're invisible too.
Invisible people can see each other.
Are those the invisibility rules? Think about it.
They wouldn't tell us what they injected us with and then they left us in this empty observation room.
I think they pumped you full of retard juice.
Hello gentlemen.
Hi doc, can you see us? You're not invisible.
We have some bad news to tell you two.
Great, don't tell me we lost our parking spot.
There was a mix-up with the experiment.
A mix-up? We accidentally injected you with a deadly poison.
Is that bad? No Ron, I'm sure it's the good kind of deadly poison.
It's a new biological weapon the military is developing called R500.
Now we meant to inject you with the R400 which is an antiperspirant.
Instead the mice got your injection and you got theirs.
A biological weapon? What does it do? It attacks all the major organs causing them the hemorrhage simultaneously.
I'm a little confused.
You injected us with a biological weapon.
And you'll just study how it works before giving us the antidote.
It's a derivative of cyanide.
There's no antidote.
No antidote.
Wait a minute, if you poisoned us with a deadly super weapon that attacks all our organs, we would die.
- You will die.
- We are really sorry, but you'll be entitle to our benefit package and your families will be compensated for their loss.
I see.
How long do we have? The dose we gave you'll be fatal in exactly 24 hours.
24 hours.
We're going to be dead in 24 h.
We're sorry.
I'm on lunch.
You guys can't - legally kill us.
- Of course not, we'd sue the hell out of you.
You'll never get away with it.
Look I understand you're upset, but you can't sue us.
You signed a 1400 page waiver.
Testico is totally protected.
Here it is.
Subjects hereby waive their right to hold Testico responsible for their accidental death.
- Why would we sign that? - It's all in here Ron, we signed it.
- We put our initials beside the clause.
- You even drew a smiley face.
I was happy.
I just got a job.
Guys, I heard what happened.
- I'm really sorry.
- Thanks Lar.
You know I was scheduled to do that experiment.
Really? Why didn't you? Traffic crazy anyways, if there's anything I can do.
Just We'll be sure to do that Larry.
Hello? Need you to spell check my will.
You have a will? You have to be prepared.
I Ron Mitchell being of sound mind hereby declare I would like to be cremated and to have my ashes sprinkled on two really hot naked lesbians having sex with each other in a jacuzzi.
This isn't a will, it's a morbid letter to Penthouse.
What lesbians are going to agree to have your ashes sprinkled on them while they have sex in a jacuzzi.
They don't have to know about it.
Someone could just sneak up and dump the ashes in the hot tub with lesbos in it.
This is insane.
We're just sitting here wasting our final hours.
We need to do something.
Something big.
What? There is one thing that I've regretted not doing for years.
Okay, anything, you name it.
What? I've never seen the platinum series special extended version of the Lord of the Rings Trilogy.
Come on, really? That thing is over ten hours long.
It will take half our lives to watch that.
- And we've already seen - Not the director's cut.
Hello? Don't worry, I'm here to help.
You're a fire fighter? - A cop? - I'm whatever you want me to be.
You're an electrician.
Let's just say I know a little something about sparks.
- Is someone coming to get us? - I have no idea.
What did you mean when you said you were here to help? Help make you feel comfortable while you wait muffin.
Wait, are you saying you dropped all the way down the elevator shaft just to hit on me? Guilty.
Champagne? Four hours gone.
I know.
Let's pop in number 2.
This is ridiculous.
We've got hours to live and this is how we're spending them, watching movies and writing erotic snuff fantasies? - It's how we spend every day.
- That's the point, Ron.
This isn't just any day, this is our last day.
- What are you doing? - I'm having my last meal.
Come on you're allergic, peanuts? That could kill you.
Well "whoop-di-doo".
- I'm not letting you do it.
- Give it up.
Stop it! It's good.
I don't feel anything.
No allergic reaction.
I should be feeling it in my eyes, - my nose, my throat, my lungs.
- Maybe you were misdiagnosed.
Misdiagnosed? I've gone my whole life without eating peanut.
Do you have any idea how difficult it is to avoid eating peanuts? Ron? Every time I have to say: "Are there peanuts in that? I'm allergic to peanuts".
All the birthday parties I couldn't go to.
- I remember.
- And it's not just peanuts, there's cross contamination.
You can't even eat anything that might have come into contact with peanuts, like ice cream, candy, even chocolate.
Imagine being a child, terrified of chocolate because if you eat it you might die.
The Halloweens I spent locked in my room sitting at that window dressed as Batman I get it.
Watching other children gorge on buckets of free candy.
The chimes of an ice cream truck would send shivers down my spine.
I've been afraid of them my whole life.
And for what? For what, don't you get it? We don't have to be afraid of anything amore.
We're invincible.
It doesn't matter if we screw up, we're free.
- For the first time in our life - We're free.
We're free.
That is good.
Enough with the peanuts.
This is it, all the things we wanted to do.
I don't know, I mean some of these are pretty extreme.
That's the point.
Besides, they're not that wild.
Now, where do we find a blow torch? And some cheerleaders.
I didn't want to tell you this, but right before I got in the elevator I saw a flash in the distance of what looked to be a mushroom cloud.
We could be the last of our species.
It's your duty to help me repopulate the elevator and one day the world.
You don't understand.
I get it, you're playing hard to nail.
I am part of an experiment.
Trust me I've seen it all, even if you are a dude, it's only gay if our wangs touch.
I was on my way upstairs to test a new PMS pill.
But in order to test it they had to give me super strong PMS.
Do you understand what I'm saying to you? I am not in control of my emotions.
What a shock.
A woman is not in control of her emotions.
I can handle it.
Here it is, our old alma mater.
It hasn't changed a bit.
You remember our old cheer "Jackson High Squirrels", "we are nuts.
" So lame.
Heather Fraser's old locker.
It still smells like her.
Come on, remember how terrible life was here.
- They called you pubert.
- I didn't know that.
All the cool kids vandalized this place except for us.
You're right.
We were such losers.
Well not anymore.
- Come on, let's trash this place.
- Damn right.
Who's the faggot now coach? How's my grammar now Mrs.
Berkshaw! I have always wanted to pull the fire alarm, but I've been too chicken.
Duck, when you pull it, you get blue ink in your face.
There's no blue ink Peter, that's just an urban myth to scare kids.
All right, let's get out of here.
We did it! See now everyone at Jackson High will know who we are.
Hey look, they changed the name, it's not Jackson high anymore.
Hubert's school for the physically and mentally disabled.
Man, we just totally trashed a special needs school.
Still, we did it.
Let's just move on.
What's next? You have a little fight in you.
I am so sorry I attacked you.
I don't know what's gotten into me.
It's the PMS.
It's the goddamn mood swings.
I am normally not a violet person.
I think I know what might soothe this savage beast.
If you want to live stop coming on to me.
It's your turn.
All right, I've always dreamed of stealing a really nice car.
Like a Ferrari.
The rush of stealing the car combines with the thrill of driving a world class automobile.
It's not quite the same thing, is it? Look we couldn't find a Ferrari.
- Besides this gets great mileage.
- That's not the point.
We're still stealing a car and we're still going to drive off in that sunset.
Now we're just going to drive a little further.
Because of the great mileage.
Use your imagination.
Seriously, let's just do this thing.
- Wait, doors open.
- Good, though maybe I should still smash the window.
Why, you're just get glass everywhere.
You're right.
Shit! Hang on, Ronnie.
Come on.
They've got the new Mellancamp.
Is something wrong? These cramps are ridiculous.
Poor thing.
Back rub? I'm going to let you up and you're going to shut up and if you don't, I'm going to end you.
- You have got to be kidding me.
- What can I say? Don't rattle the basket if you don't want to play with the snake.
What's going on? I used to play here a child.
It's beautiful.
I'm dying.
You know you've used this whole "I'm gonna die" line to try and get in my pants twice.
This time its true, I've been injected with a deadly biological weapon.
That's hot.
Now I really want to sleep with you.
Listen, I've always wanted to say this, but was too shy.
Now that I'm dying it doesn't matter.
Kate, I love you.
What's that taste? Peanuts maybe, you want one? I'm allergic to peanuts you idiot! That didn't go very well.
Our next Why won't you get soft? I can see your panties.
You sure about this? Absolutely.
You're right, we have nothing to fear.
Nana's been sick for two years now, she's not getting any better.
I can't believe, I haven't done this until now.
Goodbye Nana.
See you soon.
We heard that she was smiling.
Come on let's go.
- What's next on the list.
- I want to get in a fight.
Hello ladies.
Excuse me? We don't have a lot of time here so let's cut to the chase.
I think you're gay.
All of you, especially you.
You're dirty, sweaty men who hang out with other dirty sweaty men all day because the only thing you like more than a tight gasket is a tight ass.
You massive homos You're going down.
You're the ones who are going down on each other because you're so gay.
I'm going to rip your heads off and shove them up your asses.
Pete, can I talk to you for a second? What? There's four of them and they're way bigger than us.
You said you wanted a fight.
I wanted to win a fight, I don't want to just get my ass kicked.
All right, let me handle this.
Listen fellas, You have a lot of work to do and we don't want to get blood all over your fancy garage.
Let's say we meet tonight in that parking lot at 6:00.
6:00 won't be That is if you chicks have the balls to face us.
Tonight at 6:00 when you're done your work.
Bring some friends, lots of them.
Make it a fair fight.
Tonight! - Nice.
- That was good.
Of course now we don't get to fight.
I kind of want to go out with a big bang.
Which brings me to the last thing on our list Testico.
Here's the plan: you get the fertilizer, I'll get the diesel.
We load up the car and we park it right here, by the back near the main generator.
We'll blow those Testico bastards sky high.
- That'll teach them to kill us.
- We have less than an hour.
Let's roll.
Ready? One, two, three Two minutes.
- This is it, Ron, show time.
- You mean blow time.
Nobody tells Peter Cooper and Ron Mitchell when to die.
That's right.
We'll choose our own time to die.
Even if it is just seconds before the time they told us to die.
You ready? I was born ready.
That's twice you've said something mega cool.
- When was the other time? - You said blow time.
Then you said let's roll.
That's 3 cool things you've said.
That is cool.
You say something cool.
I got it Jackson High Squirrels.
We are nuts.
It's not working.
What went wrong? It's going to go, wait for it.
It's not going to go.
I don't know why, we got fertilizer and diesel.
Actually, diesel is so expensive, I just went with regular unleaded.
Does it matter? Obviously yes Ron.
Are we in heaven? Looks like Testico.
- Must be hell.
- You're not dead.
It's past 6:00, we should have died hours ago.
Gentlemen, we lied.
You were never going to die.
We injected you with a green colored saline.
Saline? You bastards! - What's saline? - It's a harmless salt based fluid.
Why? The real experiment was to study how people react when they have 24 hours to live.
For what purpose? In case they were able to predict a major event, like a tidal wave or an asteroid.
They want to know how people would behave.
That's sick.
I hate you people.
We observed you two for the past 24 hours.
You really lived the top.
I mean, by your standards.
Hopefully in the event of a global catastrophe.
The entire population doesn't react the way that you did.
I don't understand.
If we're not sick then what's with this rash? It's a minor peanut allergy.
Can't believe we thought this was our last day and we blew it.
Thank god no one got hurt.
What are you talking about? I killed my Nana.
And I killed Kate.
Great, now we have to get suits for the funeral.

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