Testees (2008) s01e08 Episode Script

Abstinence Underwear

This is the locking code.
- The unlocked code is classified.
- This is it? This is our job, just try on these steel underwear? It's like a high-tech chastity belt.
Who would wear this? - You'd be surprised.
children wear them until their marriage.
That's scary.
- How do you shower in them? - They're waterproof.
Seems like a good fit.
I got formability, I like this tube attachment so I can take a leak.
How long do we have to keep these on for? One week.
Seven days without sex? Don't act like it's such a big deal.
Neither of us have had sex in the last 7 weeks.
That's true.
So this is going to be easy.
- I see it works.
- What happened? - I just got electrocuted.
- A metal ring around your penis senses an increase in blood flow and administers a harmless electric shock.
And over time you'll be trained not to have erections at all.
- What? - I thought she was a nurse.
- She's part of the experiment.
- Well get her out of here.
- What was that one for? - Parking meters.
- I don't get it.
- The two curves look like an ass.
It's just too painful.
I never realized how many erections I was getting until now.
We've got to get off the street.
I know a place we can go.
Follow me.
- What are we doing? - We'll be safe in here.
Father Turner.
I haven't seen you since your sister's wedding.
What are you doing here? - We need sanctuary.
- What's the matter? - Are you in trouble? - Kind of.
What are you doing? We're stuck in these devices.
They're steel underwear.
Chastity belts, how wonderful.
? Abstinence will make you a better person, Ron.
Look at me.
I have been celibate for 35 years.
But you don't have a choice, you got your dick blown off in Vietnam, right? And it was a blessing.
God through that grenade in my path for a reason.
Losing my penis has made me the man I am today.
Giving up on sex unlocks your true potential.
- How do you think I learned Latin? - That must really come in handy.
You boys should look at this as an opportunity.
You think you're imprisoned by those belts, but you're wrong.
Your real shackles are those things dangling - between your legs.
- Shackles? - Mine's more like an anchor.
- Now, boys, you should stay celibate before mariage.
The Bible makes it very clear, a man should be joined to his wife and the two shall become one flesh.
Enough's enough.
If we're going to make it through this week, - we've got to find a way to stop this.
- But how? You're talking to a guy who's had an erection since the 7th grade.
I know, look, our whole lives we've been controlled by these.
Now, it's time that we control them.
Clear our minds.
That's right, deep breaths.
Be clear, be empty, be flaccid.
Kittens and baseball, Pete.
Kittens and baseball.
Okay, first, we've got to control this place.
Make it a no boner zone.
Anything that gets us going is gone.
Come on.
Good morning, did you sleep well? I did, thank you for asking.
- My pleasure.
- How are you? I feel great, productive.
What are you doing there? I found this can of polish in the cupboard and I've polished all of our pennies.
Really? The whole jar? Let me see.
- So shiny.
- Isn't that cool? And I've been working on it all morning and I haven't even thought of anything that might make me you know.
Look what I made.
An Apache peace pipe.
You made this.
I whittled it.
I can whittle now.
It didn't even take me long to learn.
And look what I finished last night.
The Saratoga: you started this when you were twelve.
And then puberty hit.
And then everything important got put on hold.
We're back on track now, Pete.
I'm even learning French.
French, are you kidding? Non, c'est vrai, je parle francais.
That is great, you've done all of those things.
I should do something else too.
Like what? - The nickels.
- Nickels.
Now, you're thinking, Peter.
I'll call you, real soon.
Does it ever end? Can't we just grab a coffee? - Here comes trouble.
- I hate it when the ugly ones try, it's so sad.
You're blocking the sugar.
What? Sorry.
See, now, you're in the way of me putting the sugar back, so Great! - Good move, you jumped me.
- Sure did.
Hey there.
Mind if we steal this chair? Sure, take it, whatever.
I'm trying to play checkers.
Can you believe they gave us their numbers? I know.
We weren't even hitting on them.
I mean I wanted to, I had a great line.
That's just it.
We ignored them.
This is too good a chance to pass up, these girls are like eleven levels out of our league.
I know, I mean, they're not even the same species as us, but we can't, you know, with them.
We can't even think about, you know.
We can't even think about thinking about, - you know.
- Only for a week.
Maybe we can think of something else to do with them other than that thing, you know, just in the meantime.
Keep them around until we can Let's give them a call.
We're going on a date.
And then I said, well you're no gentleman.
Would either of you ladies care for another cocktail? - How about we get you some shots.
- we'll get you really drunk.
- I can't believe this is working.
- I know.
Ron, at the end of this week, we are going to have girlfriends.
Hot girlfriends to - you know.
- Careful.
All I'm saying is that they're into us because we're not trying to get in their pants.
I know.
We finally figured women out.
Here we go, guys.
Tequila shots.
What do you guys have in mind for tonight? I was thinking Boggle.
I like your style my man.
Are you guys fags? Then enough with the bikes and the ice cream and the long walks and the listening to my feelings and stuff.
- When are we going to have sex? - Excuse me? Don't you know anything about women? Are you guys ready to party? This is going to be great.
- Really great.
- I'll put on some music.
We don't need music.
- Come on, everybody loves music.
- We're fine.
Tell us what you're going to do to us.
I'm going to, put my thing in your area.
And I'm going to touch your zone.
You're already hard.
- We can't have sex with you.
- Why? I knew it, you're gay.
- Stop saying that.
- What I meant was we can't have sex with you until we've gone down on you.
What kind of gentlemen would we be pleasure you first.
That's so sweet.
Ron, the deep breaths do nothing.
I can't be in there with her - and not get aroused.
- This is a nightmare.
We're just going to go on a quick drink run.
A little harder.
Stop Ronnie! Stop! Stop! Stop! Hold still, Ronnie.
Try lower.
A little lower.
It's not working.
Hot! Hot! Stop, stop, stop, stop I'm done! I'm done! This is ridiculous, Ronnie, this thing is made of titanium or something.
Alright, let's switch to the blowtorch.
Don't be stupid, you'll melt it to my butt.
Put that thing away.
I guess you're right.
We can't force this thing open.
We'll .
Back to the drawing board.
But how? - So they're passed out, that's good.
- We don't have a lot of time, come on.
You can't even hack our neighboor's wi-fi, you think you can crack a 5-digit code? It's religious underwear, right? So it probably has something to do with Jesus.
Jesus, right.
Try Moses.
Good one.
We can't blow this, this could be our last chance for girls this hot.
It's no, that's not what it is.
Hold on.
You're leaving stay, stay, stay, please.
In one week I'm going to be totally good to go.
Sorry, my ex is back in town, so I think I'm just going to You're just going to back? Go.
- Bye.
- That's it? Not even a kiss.
Well, that's it, there's just one left.
Technically, neither of us closed the deal.
What are you saying? I'm just saying I wouldn't call her yours officially.
What do you mean officially? I'm bagged, so I'm going to crash, but if either of you want to join me I'll be in there.
There you have it.
Fine, the first one of us to get these off gets the girl.
How did you do it, Larry? - This is your plan? - You saw my file.
I'm the only testee to beat that thing.
Fine, how do I do it? The design flaw's in the power supply.
You wear out the battery, it unlocks.
Sounds painful.
What do I do? Coin on string, boner pill.
Now, let's get you in a booth.
- Father Turner - Ronnie, twice in one week.
You're still wearing that chastity belt.
And I need to get it off.
I'm pretty sure the 5-digit code has something to do with the Bible.
Bible has 5 letters.
That's it.
It's so simple.
God damn it! Ronnie, what's your rush? Well, I've been thinking, and you're right.
I shouldn't need this belt to keep my chastity.
Really? I'm ready to make a real commitment to God.
I just need your help to get it off, I can start to test my dedication.
That's very impressive or it would be if it weren't complete crap.
- Father? - You want to have sex, don't you? Kind of.
I do understand temptation.
When Eve, naked and innocent, offered up to Adam her ripe apples, how could Adam deny himself this meaty fruit, especially with the promise of the dewy garden before him.
So even though he knew it was wrong, he still munched on the forbidden fruit and though it tasted sweet, the serpent was roused and soon, it dangled before her, upright, steadfast, demanding attention.
Jesus Christ.
So in other words, you can't help me with the code.
Great! How long will it take? I don't know, it could be a while.
You're going to need this to bite on.
You can do it.
No matter what, Larry, don't let me out of here until it's over.
Larry, open up! Larry, this is a bad idea! A man should be joined to his wife and the two shall become one flesh.
Thank you.
You did it.
Well done.
Hot girl at home needs sex.
I'll go get help.
Get back here, Ron.
Keep your paws off my girlfriend.
- What do you think you're doing? - I think I'm going to have sex.
She's mine, Pete, you know that.
You have no idea what I went through to get that thing off.
Nothing's going to stop me.
I thought you said you wanted to help.
He did.
Sorry about the wet spot.

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