Testees (2008) s01e10 Episode Script

Mr. Pain and Danger Lad

So what did you do to us today? I don't really care, as long I don't lose my hair again.
You know before I started working here I never had a bald spot.
What the hell! Wait a minute, I didn't feel anything.
Me neither, I felt nothing.
It works.
subsBusters proudly presents s01e10 Nothing.
We gave you a very powerful experimental pain killer.
It was developed as an alternative to anesthesia.
Doctor's can perform surgery on patients while they're still awake.
This is the best drug we've ever tested.
Hey, maybe now you won't be such a big pussy.
You're the pussy.
Quiet! This is a one-week supply.
Take two a day, monitor yourselves and you shouldn't feel a thing.
What's so funny? I just ripped this out of your head, you didn't even notice.
Ron, my hair.
This is unbelievable.
I know I feel like a superhero.
We should join the UFC.
I do not advise that.
Why not? Pain is your body's warning system.
Without it you could do yourself serious damage.
We should probably quarantine the two of you for the duration.
Quarantine? No way! Well Ron maybe it's not such a bad idea.
We'd be safe.
Don't worry, we'll be very careful.
This is what I'm talking about.
My first wool sweater on my bare skin.
I could never wear them before because they're too itchy.
Big deal, it's a sweater, Pete.
Oh, my friend this is not just a sweater.
This is an Irish Erin sweater.
Pure wool.
You want me to call the press? Don't try and pretend this isn't the nicest sweater you've ever seen in your life Ron? - Okay - I look rugged.
Like Robert Redford.
Okay, enough already.
We don't feel any pain.
We're basically got superpowers and you're sweater shopping.
- Superpowers? - Yeah Are you saying that we should go help people? No, I'm saying we should use our powers to go get laid.
Okay stop there! Damn it, you have caught me.
For you ladies and for you What are you doing? What, don't be such a baby, you can't feel anything.
So how would you like it? Oh yeah? Oh hey, hey ladies, where you going? I'm a hero.
Dinner? Yeah and I'm a bad ass but comfy criminal.
Very impressive.
Thank you.
You enjoyed our show? I loved it.
You've know idea how many pussies come into my store and then cry like little babies when I tattoo or pierce them.
Tattoos, what a joke.
I love pain.
Oh yeah.
I love pain.
We can take whatever you can dish out.
Well you've come to the right place.
Step into my parlor boys.
Excuse me, excuse me.
What do you want? Would you like to buy some chocolate bars for the deaf children? What? Would you like to buy some chocolate bars for the deaf children? Yeah sure, I'll take 20 kid.
20? That's awesome.
You lying sack of shit, you're not deaf.
Okay look, I'm sorry Mr.
but no one buys chocolates when I say it's for new soccer uniforms.
Soccer uniforms.
I used to use that one when I was a kid.
You obviously like chocolates.
What are you trying to say? Can you please just buy some and help me out? How much? $10.
$10, what, are you high on acid? I can get a case of this junk in China town for $8.
Besides it's not even real chocolate.
It's made with palm oil.
Not cocoa butter, you goof.
Go and try and con some other sucker.
Ass hole.
Damn, didn't wince once.
A deal's a deal.
Tatoo is free.
All right, this tattoo is going to get me so laid.
Now if you get one of those gay ass shirts with the back exposed to show everyone how cool you are for getting a tattoo.
Yeah hey, you should get the same one Pete, we'll match.
We can start a tattoo gang.
I don't know.
I don't think I'm a tattoo type of guy.
So, try a piercing.
I love giving the needle to a man who can take it.
These are very big earrings.
I was thinking I could just get a little stud.
These aren't for your ears.
My nose? - Tongue? - No.
Oh no I don't want a nipple ring.
I just got this new wool sweater and it'll get caught It's a Prince Albert.
It's for your penis.
Go for it.
Come on, really? Why would I want one of those? Because it's the ultimate pleasure for women.
What woman would want that thing in her? Me.
I love them the bigger the better.
Oh yeah? Mhm.
Well what's your biggest? Oh now you're talking.
Go Pete.
Show who the boss is.
This is Vlad, the impaler.
Cool, I dare you to get that.
Vlad me.
I don't know what you're worried about; I mean you go on lots of dates.
Yeah, but you know how they always end up for me.
We get along fine, we have a great time and then I try to close the deal and they just want to be friends.
They never see me as sexual.
True, but I mean it's not even a date.
She basically said come back to the tattoo shop and she'll let you impale her.
No, she said she was going to take care of my piercing.
Maybe she just means she's going to rub cream on it.
No, she'll be polishing your knocker all right.
You didn't see how turned on she was putting that ring in you while you took a nap.
I guess we're finally going to benefit from a test drug.
Hands burning.
Hm? Oh! That's going to leave a mark.
Better pop a few more of these just in case.
You guys barbecuing? It smells good.
No, no, Pete just burnt his hand.
Oh man, shouldn't he be freaking out or going to a hospital or something? No, hospitals are for pussies.
You see Peter and I are in a whole new mindset.
I'm done being a wimp.
From here on in it's mind over matter buddy.
You guys are testing a new drug.
Okay, who would like to buy an earth cap for $10? - An earth cap? - That is so lame.
This is a piece of string in the bottle cap.
No,no, no.
It's to save the earth but clearly you guys aren't interested.
How is buying a bottle cap on a string going to save the earth? I'm turning garbage into fashionable accessories that you wear because of guilt.
Okay let me tell you something, Nugget Nobody's paying $10 for that let alone putting it on their head.
Oh really? Oh, okay.
What about the 70 million shitty yellow silicone bracelets Lance Armstrong sold? 70 million guys! Okay, look, people are perfectly willing to get ripped off as long as its for a good cause.
First of all Lance Armstrong won 7 Tour de France's; he's a superstar.
You look like a mantis with a Yasar Arafat Beard.
Yeah and you're not actually going to do anything with the money to help save the planet.
A portion of it goes to charity.
Oh yeah, what portion? You know, portion.
Uh huh.
I'll see you guys later.
I gotta get ready for my date.
I'm going to unleash Vlad.
Sorry Nugget, you ain't got no Lance Armstrong.
No, I don't but I have you, the amazing Mr.
Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls what I'm about to do here will cause me excruciating pain.
These cactuses Cacti Yes of course cacti, are covered in needles so sharp they will piece the human skin with a simple touch.
I would not recommend that you juggle with them unless like me you enjoy putting your body through hell.
There's no trick here I just dig pain.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Folks the amazing Mr.
Pain is willing to suffer, so we'll all realize how much our own planet is suffering.
Isn't that right Mr.
Pain? Sure, yes, why not? If he's willing to give blood just to hold onto a cactus you have to ask yourselves what are you willing to give to hold onto our planet? Earth caps ladies and gentlemen.
Get yours today for $10 and make a difference for tomorrow.
Over here, I'll take three.
$10 Mr.
Pain, you're my hero.
Of course I am kid, of course I am.
You look lovely.
Lovely? Shut up slave.
Oh, huh.
Never worn a dog collar before.
I brought you a bottle of wine.
Before we get started you need a safe word in case I go too far.
A safe word? Mm How about more? Okay then - Heel.
- It's terrific This is a really nice dungeon.
So let me ask you this? Do you have a boyfriend? What? The only men I know are pathetic little swine who beg me to let them lick the soles of my shoes.
What are these for? $600, unbelievable.
I got three girl's numbers.
We got to start thinking of the next stunt.
Yeah we do but you're hand is kind of messed up.
I say we go for the face next.
What, not the face.
Why not? Ah, chicks dig the face.
You should have seen the way that kid was looking at me.
I'm his hero.
Pain can be every kid's hero.
- Yeah? - Yeah Yeah, like Evl Knevl Sure and do you think he stopped after jumping one bus? No.
You're right.
Okay, we gotta think bigger.
I say we go for your legs.
No, no, no.
I got something better.
So I just told her mom, this is my apartment and if I want to keep the windows open with the heat on that is my business.
She just can't let go I guess.
Are you kidding me? You're not in any pain? I cannot whip any harder! Oh, I'm sorry, have you started already? I have never abused a man this much.
Are you getting turned on yet? Shut up worm.
My arms are aching.
I feel terrible.
You do? Are you in agony? No.
I feel terrible about your arms hurting.
Maybe you should just rest for a bit.
I don't want your pity you little bitch.
Would you like a back rub? Maybe a hot tea Oh, I'm gonna make you scream All right.
Are you sure about this buddy? Are you kidding? No permanent damage and I'm not going to mess up my money maker.
It's a big crowd pleaser.
I don't want to look like an idiot.
Okay, give me your best shot.
Twenty points! Did he throw it yet? The amazing Mr.
Pain, he doesn't scream, he doesn't even flinch.
Oh! Thirty now who says that saving the planet is a pain in the ass? Personally I think its every citizen's duty to carry a set of booster cables.
I can't tell you how many times I've need a boost and nobody's had any cables.
Don't you ever shut up? I'm sorry mistress I'll just be quiet while you electrocute me.
Oh no Nobody has ever been able to withstand Satan's kiss.
Maybe your battery is dead.
I just bought it.
You should be screaming I'm sorry Is that what you'd like me to do? I will if that's what you want.
Ouch! Ow! I can't believe you're faking it for me! What the hell? Maybe we should try something else.
Watch a movie, have a few drinks, get to know each other No, I am in command and you're my pathetic little dog.
Okay fine, good.
I'll bark and poop the floor if that's what you want.
But when do we get naked and do it? We don't.
I get off by beating you and you get off by being beaten.
Come on, really? That's it? We're not going to close the deal? No.
Look just get out of my dungeon.
I thought you liked me Janey.
Get out.
Okay, you know what; you did hurt me.
You hurt me feelings.
Good bye Janey, here's your dog collar back.
Are you going to cry? No.
Oh! Let's not forget that Mr.
Pain's real target is bringing awareness to the peril our planet is in, isn't that right little Billy? Yeah.
How would you like to have a shot? Okay, hold on, one second.
Five bucks.
Oh! Bull's eye.
Hey, stay safe and drink your milk.
Huh? It will be my biggest stunt yet? I don't think there's a 300 foot gorge close by that you could jump over on a motorcycle.
And besides Ron, you miss this, you die.
Oh no, daredevils rarely die, they just break a few bones.
Big deal.
Famous forever.
Besides that's what these are for.
Good point.
Hey, how was your date.
Lame, she was way too into S & M.
What is this stuff? Designs, plans.
What's with the hippie girls? Peace.
Fans, tried my first threesome so I couldn't really feel a thing.
Fans, threesome? What's going on? Ron's a daredevil and we're saving the planet.
Yeah, oh and we're rich.
I've been gone for three hours.
I want to be a daredevil.
Well you can't Pete.
I'm the daredevil, right Nugget? Hold on a second, I've got an idea.
This is the first ever two person motorcycle jump performed by myself the amazing Mr.
Pain and my trusty sidekick here, danger lad.
Hi how are you? This one, this one's for you Billy.
This is going to look great coming off the back of the bike while you guys fly over the crappers.
It's going to be on the front page of every newspaper guys.
Can't believe people are actually coughing up $10 and buying into your stupid sham.
The don't buy this crap because they give a shit about the environment.
They wear them so they can show their friends and family that they actually gave to a charity.
That's pathetic.
Can't people give money to a cause without gloating? What's the point of doing something nice if no one knows you did it? Go sheer these sheep.
Well it's time to get famous.
Five minutes from now every kid in town is going to look up to us.
Women are going to be fighting each other just to jump our broken bones.
Let's do it.
Okay Vlad, hold on tight buddy.
Ready boys? Ladies and gents, make some noise.
You're about to see history in the making.
Hold on tight Pete.
Okay, in three, two Oh, a mosquito shit I felt that! one Ron don't go! And go Do not go.
Ow, ow, ow Ron pull over, Ron pull over.
Ron the Vlad, my cock stop! Oh.
Oh my god.
I have never felt more pain in my life.
Please kill me.
Everything hurts, even talking.
Can't you give us something? We've given you the strongest drugs we can, quadruple doses.
Why are we still in pain? You took a week's supply of medication in two days.
You've built up a tolerance.
You moved from being immune to pain to being immune to painkillers.
Oh Oh, quit your complaining.
At least your penis is 6 inches longer.
Yeah but I lost a lot of girth.
It's like a noodle.
Wait till the swelling goes down.
Previous EpisodeNext Episode