Testees (2008) s01e11 Episode Script

Pineapple Shampoo

Smells really good.
- What is it, pineapple? - Shut up! Why are you always so angry with us, Dr.
Ng? I'd rather experiment with monkeys and pigs, but I'm not allowed.
Now why would a pig need his hair washed though? Quiet, I'm testing a chemical that stops shampoo from irritating the eyes.
Now keep your eyes open.
Wider! Apply the solution.
It works! No irritation at all.
Great, I hate getting shampoo in my eyes.
Is that why you never wash your hair? I've told you I like to keep the natural oils in it.
Pigs don't talk.
That was not the worst thing that's ever happened to us.
I guess it wasn't.
I mean I was waiting for a swarm of bees to attack us as soon as we left Testico, or something like that.
- I guess we're lucky.
our hair could've turned orange.
You know I think I would have prefered that actually.
Pete, are you okay? No, I'm not okay.
I'm blind.
Who knew that pineapple shampoo would make you blind? It's a good thing there's people like us that test this stuff.
God forbid they should test this stuff on animals.
You don't want the poor animals to go blind now do you? Who cares about the animals, we're blind.
Come on, Dr.
Ng said the effects are probably just temporary.
He always says its temporary.
What if one day he says it's temporary and it's not? What if we just lost our sight for a lousy paycheck.
Just relax, Pete.
We can manage.
Watch it.
Pancakes? What are you doing to my door? Your door? You live here? You Emma Nesbaum? I'm her grandson and she's on vacation I'm taking care of the place for her.
On vacation.
She died 6 years ago.
You know what, there are laws, you can't go rifling through people's apartments.
- It's my apartment.
- Really? My grandpa owns the building and five others.
He may be too old to notice one of his apartments have been vacant all these years, but I'm not.
Free ride's over loser.
You're evicted.
What are you trying to say? You're evicted.
New pictures emerged today of a woman in Sweden with four breasts.
The following images are graphic and explicit, parents be advised.
- Just turn it off, what's the point.
- I want to hear it.
Four tits? Just making me sad, where's the remote? - What the hell.
Watch it.
- Why are you naked? You know, we can't see each other, I figured why bother getting dressed.
I'm very uncomfortable with you being nude so close to me.
Please put some clothes on.
I'll get it.
Hi mom.
Sure, love to talk.
- That was cold.
- What can I do? Since the Parker's been back in town, she's trying to set me up with Janet.
Talk about Janet Parker.
You want me to go out with Janet the Planet? She was the fattest girl in our high school.
What's the big deal? You might as go out with her, { you're blind, you won't have to see how ugly she is.
We're going to be out in public together, people will see me with her.
That is so shallow.
You know this might be good for you, Maybe you'll actually like her as a person before you immediately dismiss her on her looks.
That's good.
My mom is going to be hounding me until I do.
Maybe I should just get it over with.
Ron get off of me! What are you doing? Don't you close the door? - Don't you knock? - Not on an open door.
- Guys? - Nugget is that you? I just got evicted.
Six years of free rent down the drain.
Free rent, what are you talking about? What about all those times we loaned you money so that you could pay for it? You know what Ron, now is not a good time to point fingers okay.
I need a place to crash.
you say? Ron, I would like to speak to you please in private.
Nugget, if you'll give us a few seconds.
- Where are you? - I'm right here.
- You guys high? - No, we're blind.
- Really? Come on.
- Blind as a bat.
No way.
This is perfect, you guys need someone to take care of you - and I need a place to stay.
- That's a very nice offer.
you are staying with us.
Why not? I think what Pete trying to say is that we love you but the only thing worst than going blind would be - having you as a roommate.
- It's really great.
You guys are supposed to be my friends.
This is not cool.
Good luck, good luck Nugget, we're pulling for you to say the least.
- We'll see you later Peter.
- So long.
- Thanks Ron.
Great - You'll get on your feet.
Keep in touch.
That was close.
Can you imagine having that smelly slob living with us? He'd eat his way through all the food, stink up the bathroom and hog the couch.
in your home, you're never getting rid of it.
Dodged a bullet there Ronnie.
How do I look? Just remember to call me in exactly an hour and - tell me I've got an emergency.
- Exactly one hour Ron? - How exactly do I do that? - Just call me okay.
Don't leave me hanging out with the hungry hippo all day.
- Whatever, have fun, buddy.
- I'll do my best.
How the hell do I lose a sandwich? You look exactly the same.
I'm sure I'd say the same about you if I could.
I know, I heard.
That is so awful.
You test experimental drugs and stuff? Sounds dangerous but kind of cool.
Can be, but I guess you know I'm helping to save lives by testing stuff, make sure its safe to use Whatever.
I meant that you get to dick around and do basically nothing.
It sounds perfect for you.
- Careful.
- I'll manage.
So you still work at that pizza place? I took over from my dad and started opening franchises.
We got 200 all over the country.
That's great, you always did love pizza.
Still do.
Sure bet you do.
It was great you know, not seeing you and catching up and everything.
Come on, let's go for something to eat, I'm starving.
I'm sure you are.
Come on, I won't take no for an answer my treat.
Here we go.
But I'm going to have to leave early, I got a thing and Hop in, I'll drive.
I'm so sorry, I should have warned you.
You think you could afford a bigger car now now that you got all those pizza places.
I know, I know, I know.
It's okay, we're together now, right? Just give me one second and I'll get you out of here.
Hang on.
I'll get you out of here.
Here we are.
Hello Mimi.
There you are.
Who's a pretty nammy? Come on, Hello? Somebody here? Marshmallows.
The only problem I have with that - The eagles.
- The eagles, yes.
I mean why do we have to watch them walk all the way over there.
If they had eagles the whole time why not just take a hobbit and fly them over to Mordor and drop the ring in the volcano? You don't even need the hobbits, give the ring to an eagle - and say here go melt this thing.
- Exactly.
God, can't believe how cool you are.
God, you're like one of the guys.
Gee thanks.
I guess, I do have a lot of guy friends.
They hate it when I fry their asses.
You play video games.
Sometimes that's all I do.
In fact my perfect night is sitting around in my underwear having a few beers, eating cold hot dogs and playing Call of Duty still 3:00 AM.
Are you just saying is? That's it nammy, gallop to me.
What's that? Do I what? Why of course I like the color of your long flowing hair.
We ride through bubble gum fields and and rainbows made of hay, I'll wrap myself inside your mane, we'll trot the night away.
You're Nammy, queen of the stallions, you're Nammy queen of the stallions, You're Nammy.
Jesus, what is that smell? God, it smells like a dead skunk.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
So you're in the reserves? Just thought it was the right thing to do, do my duty.
Really? Come on, I just went to shoot a machine gun off the back of a humby That is so cool.
Can I tell you something? I am actually having fun with you.
Can I tell you something? When we were in high school I used to have a huge crush on you.
Really? I never would have guessed.
It's really nice being out with you.
Most guys judge me based on my appearance.
I can imagine.
But not you.
I'm blind, why should I care, right? You know Ron, I think we might have something good here.
I think you might be right.
I smell pineapple shampoo.
Is that you? Still bind? Don't worry, it'll be over in a few days.
Aren't you going to introduce me to your sexy girlfriend? I'm Janet.
She's not my girlfriend, it's a blind date, totally meaningless, my mom made me do it as a favor.
You should introduce me to your mom.
I guess we should just order you some desserts and get out of here.
It must be in the walls.
Can you just send someone quick? Thank you.
God, that's stinks.
Not going to make that mistake again.
Close the door.
We're here.
I'm sorry about what I said back at the restaurant, I didn't mean to say that my mom made me go out with you.
It's okay Ron, I know she did.
I guess I get it.
It's hard enough going on blind dates, I can't imagine what its like when you're actually blind.
- Really, so you're not mad? - Let's put it behind us.
Tell you what, come over to my place tomorrow night for some beers and I will make you the best pizza you'll ever have in your life.
Tomorrow, I don't know Why, you got plans? I just don't think it's going to work.
Why not? No, not feeling any chemistry.
Really? You know that already? You know, just not what I'm looking for.
We love the same bands, the same video games, we even have the same sense of humor.
Look, Janet, I know you've got a great personality and you're beautiful on the inside and whatever, but I just you're not my type.
Get out.
- Good bye Janet.
- Good bye Ron.
Someone there? Ron, is that you? It's me.
Didn't even hear you come home.
How was your date with Janet the planet? Lame.
All she did was try to hit on me all night and talk about pizza.
Same old Janet.
I mean what is she thinking; that I'm into porkers? Seriously.
And Larry saw me with her.
Bless you.
Lock him in.
I know you're in here! Clear? Where are you? Where are you? Clear? - Clear? - You ate my marshmallows those were for hot chocolates! Clear! You're a dead man, Nugget! Clear! Clear.
It's Clear.
It doesn't make sense.
I know he's here somewhere, I can smell him.
It's Testico, we've got to go.
That was disappointing, I was really hoping to get my eyesight back.
Me too, I'm tired of being blind.
I warned you Ron, didn't I say one of these days Testico wouldn't be able to fix us? We might be like this forever.
I'll never know if that fat slobby, greasy, stinky lazy pig is squatting in our apartment.
And even if we did, what can we do? We're blind, we can't catch him.
For all we know he's dancing like a retard in front of us as we speak.
If we ever did catch him I'd sure relish the moment.
Come on guys.
Give us one reason.
Dirt bags.
I got it.
I'm fine.
Believe me, I get it.
- What was that? - I don't know, the guy's crazy.
Please I can't go to jail.
I'm sorry.
What's going on? Some neighbours complained about a dead skunk in the wall, they followed the smell.
- What? - It's me, Janet, Janet Parker from high school.
You're Janet Parker? - You look different.
- Is Ron here? Last night didn't go so great but, I really felt a connection and thought I'd come by and give it one more chance.
Janet's here, she wants to give you another chance.
God just tell her I'm out or dead.
Tell her I'm dead.
You may want to come to the door now! Please, just tell that fat acne riddled, shit covered pig that I don't date hippos, but say it nicer.
He's tired.
Guess it wasn't meant to be.
Pizza's on the house.
Thank you, Janet.

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