That '80s Show (2002) s01e02 Episode Script

Valentine's Day

1 Morning, Corey.
Morning.
Here you go.
For my Valentine.
Oh, super.
Aren't you gonna put it on? Not just now.
How about now? Ok.
Great.
Uh another Valentine's day.
Another day to remind those of us that are alone that we are still alone.
Corey, you don't need a sweetheart.
Valentine's day is simply a celebration of love, and there's so much love in this kitchen, we should open the doors and share it with the neighbors.
Uh, I tried that, honey.
That's why mrs.
Nealon got the dog.
Hey, good morning.
Pbbbbt.
Ok, people.
In honor of Valentine's day, all duets are half off, and anything recorded by the romantics is free.
Oh.
Margaret, you like Valentine's day? I've broken too many hearts not to pay homage to the holiday of love.
Ohhh.
Guess someone sent Margaret a box of Candy, huh? Why do you assume it's Margaret's? [IMITATES MR.
T.]
Because I pity the fool who would try to be nice to you! Hey, it's   the a-team's Mr.
T.
Where'd Corey go? See? Not nice.
Oh, my god, Corey.
You just missed Mr.
T.
"To my Valentine.
Be mine.
From you-know-who.
" Oh, how sweet.
Another sucker buying into this bogus holiday completely created by Greedy marketeers who distort the purest of all emotions, you know, which is love.
[LAUGHS.]
Oh, no way! Gimme that jacket, tuesday.
No! Gimme the jacket! Aah! I saw this in a Doris day/ rock Hudson movie once and I didn't like it then.
Tuesday, go clean out the mini-fridge.
Aah! Nice box of Candy.
Is it for you? No.
I thought it was for you.
Nope.
Huh.
If it isn't for me, and it isn't for you, it must be for one of the other employee.
W-w-wait.
You sayin' Somebody sent Tuesday a box of Candy? You figure it out.
[TELEPHONE RINGS.]
Hello? Oh, hi, mom.
Happy Valentine's day to you, too.
Sure.
Oh, hold on a minute.
I'll ask.
Are you using the time share in Rosarito? Why? Does she need someplace quiet to go and Count my money? Dad says hi, and, no, he's not using the time share.
Well, you and Steve have fun.
Bye.
Your mother's going to rosarito with Some guy named Steve? No.
Yes.
He's an herbalife distributor.
He's lost 200 pounds.
Ask him how.
Well, good for her.
She's the kind of person that needs a steady relationship.
Me, I like playing the field.
Ah, good for you, bro.
A steady Chick and holidays equal nothin' but cash, and I ain't about that, bro.
Bro? It's a new thing I'm tryin' out.
Besides, if you wait until the end of Valentine's day, any girl who doesn't have someone comes runnin' after you, my man.
Bro.
[SNAPS FINGERS.]
Ooh, Thanks.
Uh, I don't wanna alarm anyone, but there's a sailor in the backyard.
Owen? [GASPS.]
Hey.
Ha.
Happy Valentine's day.
Wow, Owen! I wasn't expecting to see you! Well, that's why they call it a surprise.
Sir.
Roger.
Bro.
Bro.
Yeah.
Well, Owen, how's the navy treating you? Uh, very good, sir.
The last float wasn't too bad.
Went back to grenada for a look-see.
Just doin' my part to protect America, sir.
Oh! Yeah.
Got it.
Hey, Owen, maybe later we can go down to the arcade like old times, huh? Did you know pac-man got married? I really missed you.
Boy, Katie.
You are more beautiful than ever.
Did you get my letter? Yes, I did.
And the picture.
What were you sitting on? Oh, I'd love to tell you, sweetheart, but it's classified.
Hee Hee Hee! Top-secret! Very sexy! I only have a 24-hour pass, so how 'bout a little down time on the upper berth? You know, "do it.
" Owen! Shouldn't I put these in some water first? Oh, who cares? Let's go! So, how long has your mom been seeing this Steve? He came along right after Dave.
Oh, there was a Dave, too.
Ha ha ha! Happy freakin' Valentine's day to me.
All right, then, who wants a blt? It's not too early for a drink, sir.
You know, you're right.
It's gotta be happy hour somewhere in the world.
Canary islands, sir.
So, someone gave Tuesday Candy? Who do you think it was, bro? Still doin' that "Bro" Thing? Just working out the kinks.
I'm thinking about adding a gesture.
Hey! Maybe she sent it to herself to see how I'd react.
Why am I even talking about this? Forget I said anything.
No! Hold on.
Let's think this through.
Sometimes the ladies get desperate, and they make the first move.
And that's when you become the hunted.
And that, my bro, is the sweetest scenario.
Are you wearing mascara? A little bit.
All I'm saying all I'm saying is that you have hit the jackpot.
What would I do without you, bro? Owen, man, good to see you.
Corey.
What are you benching? Daddy took us to the movies and bought us each a Rose.
[MOUTHS "HELP".]
It was really unnecessary, sir.
Oh, it was my pleasure.
Spending time with my family is precious, damn it.
I'm gonna do it more often.
Dad freaked once he heard about mom and Steve and Dave.
He became very clingy.
So we let him take us to sea World, lunch, ice cream, and a matinee of  breakin' 2:   Electric boogaloo.
I didn't see   breakin' one, so I was totally lost.
Will you please, please entertain Daddy? Owen and I are going upstairs.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
Hold on.
Hey, Sophia.
Happy Valentine's day, Katie.
It's sweets for the sweet.
Ha ha ha! Thank you, Sophia.
I don't want to mislead you in any way, but I do love chocolate.
And that's all.
Oh, did you get a Butler? No.
This is Owen, Katie's boyfriend.
Boyfriend? I don't understand.
You know boyfriend? You've had some, the girls you sleep with Have had some.
I swear, you girls never outgrow your sleep-overs.
No.
We don't.
So, Owen how come we've never met before? Um, well, I've been at sea.
Really? When are you going back? I can't share that with you, ma'am, But, uh I do wanna Thank you.
You obviously care a lot about Katie to bring her all this Candy.
I'm so glad she has a friend like you.
Ok.
Well, Bye.
We're gonna go upstairs.
What's this? My best friend's boyfriend comes to town, and we don't get to chat? You know, she has a point, Katie.
We don't wanna be rude.
Yes, we do! There's your change.
Do you gift-wrap? Why, of course we do.
Would you prefer the Angel paper or the butterfly paper? Um, I think the Angel paper would be more appropriate.
You're right.
Have a nice day.
Thank you! Whatever.
Mmm.
Why do they put Candy in a box shaped like a heart? It's like eating ice cream out of a lung.
Ohhh.
Come on.
You know you want one.
All right.
You find out who sent them? Yeah.
Corey did.
For you.
Oh, who's a pretty girl? Ok.
Let's roll.
You kids goin' out to have some fun, huh? You kids.
[CHUCKLES.]
You darn kids.
God bless you.
Well, go on out there and have the time of your life.
Ok, dad.
We'll give it our best shot.
Son, uh I want you to have something.
It's my binaca.
Those days are behind me.
Daddy, get your jacket.
You're coming with us.
Oh, no, no.
I couldn't.
No.
Nobody minds.
[WHISPERING.]
Katie! Katie! Nobody minds.
Do you mind? No, sir.
[CHAKA KHAN'S  AIN'T NOBODY PLAYING.]
Do you think we're ever going to be alone? I'm working on it.
Hey, Dad.
Why don't you ask someone to dance? Oh, come on.
It's Valentine's day.
You know, what the hell's the point of Valentine's day, anyhow? I mean, a couple of hundred years ago, some guy played a pipe and drove all the snakes out of Ireland.
Big deal! Oh, look! Tan girls in White outfits.
Your favorite! Go say hi.
They look lonely, too.
Oh, what the hell? So, Sophia, you're not with anybody tonight.
Not yet! That means you're on the hunt, right? 'cause I'm still available.
So, what's the deal with Owen? Oh, they've been dating on and off since high school.
I don't know how serious it is.
This is such a betrayal.
I mean, if she can keep a man from me, maybe she's keeping a woman from me, too.
Except that you're the only one who's bisexual.
So far.
Well, well, well.
Sobbing Brunette in the corner.
All mine! No! I get to dance away first.
Ok.
On the count of 3, we can dance away together.
One hey! So, Owen, how's it goin'? great.
I'm a man, I'm in love, and I'm on leave.
I'm 100%.
And you? Well, I'm also a man.
Uh, and there's this girl.
We work together.
And I'm not really sure that she hates me all the time, so that's cool.
I'd say I'm about 27%.
Corey, your battle isn't here.
It's at the record store.
Don't lose ground.
Retreat is defeat, and if at all possible, never wear wet socks.
You're right.
What the hell am I doin' here? So I'm trying to comfort this hot, wounded Brunette, and rt swoops in with a sea breeze and a hanky.
Smooth bastard.
Where? Oh, this is great! We can leave.
He found someone.
Which one? Over there.
The one with the stirrup pants and the forenza sweater.
I don't see her.
The one with the rack.
Oh, nice! Let's go.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Hey, Tuesday, look who's here, and he's not even on the schedule.
Hey.
Hey.
What are you doing here? What am I doing here? I'm here to talk to you.
Corey, look sometimes on holidays, people go too far, and they do things that make other people feel uncomfortable.
You and I barely even know each other.
So, you know what would've been appropriate? A simple happy Valentine's day.
Happy Valentine's day, tuesday.
There.
Was that difficult? No.
I didn't think so! Wait! Tuesday, what? What did you do now? Dunno.
Well, maybe you should've said thank you.
Tuesday bought you those candies.
Oh, man.
I--I-- why didn't you tell me that earlier? Well, I didn't find out till 5 minutes ago.
Tuesday bought me the Candy? Margaret, Oh, thank you.
You've made my day.
Don't smudge your hope on me.
Margaret's a bad girl.
Oh! Sorry.
Where's dad? We left him with a needy lady at the club.
Good night! Oh! D-did I-- did I mention I got a Valentine's day gift? A selection of nuts, chews, and creams.
Yeah.
Oh, that's great.
Good night.
You know Valentine's day is great.
Hold that thought, Corey.
We'll be back in the morning.
[CLATTER IN KITCHEN.]
Oh, my god.
There's someone in the kitchen! W-what do we do? We do what we have to do.
Oh, my god! Daddy! What are you doing?! cleaning the oven.
Oh.
For a minute, I thought-- I know, I know.
Why clean it? Oh, boy, did I strike out tonight.
Where did you run off to? Were you trying to ditch me? Ha ha! Nobody ditches me.
Maybe I should enlist.
You guys in the navy score a lot, don't you, bro? Not lately, bro.
No! Daddy, you don't need another drink.
It's almost morning.
You're right.
Breakfast.
Honey, how would you like to make your old man one of your delicious frittatas? Ok.
Ok! Roger, are you in? Mmm, I don't like eggs.
Could I have a turkey sandwich instead? Ooh, I want that! But grill mine? Hey, fellas, fellas.
You know what's on?   Aerobicize a.
M.
Ohh! [OWEN LAUGHS.]
Oh, with Donna Haley! That's right! Let's go! It's ok, Owen.
Go ahead.
This is not the Valentine's day I was hoping for.
Really? That was the same thing I was thinking.
Here you are taking care of Everyone else, when you should be taking care of your own needs, your own desires.
You know what you need? What? You need to do something you've never done before.
Take a chance! I promise.
You won't regret it.
You're right.
Come with me.
Like this? Nope.
Like this? Stop it.
All right.
Everyone? Listen up.
I'm over it! You, with the hat! Back to your apartment.
You, on the sofa.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself.
Corey, why do you have to have everything grilled? And you.
Go home.
Home? Yes! Consider yourself ditched! And, Owen, get your Butt upstairs.
We've only got 3 hours and you ain't sleepin'! and, everyone? Happy Valentine's day.
Corey? Son, are you sleeping? Not now.
What are you doing in my room? We need to have a talk.
Are you gonna give me a punch in the arm and a condom like our last talk? Ah, that was a good day.
But no, no.
I was just thinking, uh hearing about how your mother is with someone else well, it made me realize how I'm not with anyone.
Well, I'm glad you worked that out.
Good night.
Son, I don't want you to make the same mistake that I did, 'cause you're a good kid.
You're not gonna get sick in here, are you? One second.
No.
Good.
All I'm saying is that when the right one comes along, don't let her get away.
You know what I'm saying? Yeah, Dad.
Thanks.
Good.
Now get the hell out of my room.
You're not going to eat the Candy? Sure.
Yeah.
Of course.
It's really Good.
Whatever.
Mmm.
Caramel.
I got a jelly.
Story of my life.
Have another one.
Thanks.
You know, I had a really interesting conversation with this weird friend of mine last night about Not letting opportunities pass you by, And, uh, it just got me thinking, you know, that when somebody does something nice for you, you should acknowledge it.
Well I guess your weird friend's right.
I mean, I guess it is nice when someone does something nice for you and--and you say thanks.
How's that one? Buttercream.
Yummy.
I like Candy.
Good to get, good to give.
It's a good gift.
It's a really good gift.
You you got a little chocolate on your face.
Did I get it? No.
Come here.
Thanks.
You're welcome.
I don't remember it ever taking this long.
Hey, Margaret? Some Freak's on the phone claiming he's Robert plant.
I'll take care of it.
Hi, Bobby.
Thanks for the chocolates, doll.
They gave me hours of entertainment.
But if you're gonna send Candy to anyone, you should send it to Jimmy page.
No.
Now, listen, you two need to make up, 'cause your new stuff with the honeydrippers is already drippin' into my 99-cent bin.
Hello? Bobby?
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