That '90s Show (2023) s02e01 Episode Script

1
[theme music playing]
["Macarena" by Los Del Río plays]
Bum-didi bum-didi bum
Macarena! ♪
Bum didi-didi bum
Macarena! ♪
Bum-didi bum-didi bum
Macarena! ♪
Hey, Macarena! ♪
Your turn, Gwen!
Your turn, Jay!
I'll do it with you, Mrs. Forman.
["Macarena" continues playing]
I had more respect for you
when you were the town slut.
Uh Um, honey. Honey. Honey.
Appreciate the enthusiasm.
Back away from the coconut logs.
There's hair flipping all over the place.
["Macarena" stops]
People say
I look like Keanu Reeves, only hotter.
I said that.
And I was kidding.
Well, I think you look dangerous.
Ugh! When is Leia getting here?
And don't even think about it.
I get first hug.
No way, Gwen. It's been two months.
- Boyfriend gets first hug.
- I said first hug, not first hump.
Well, I'm different now, Gwen.
I want hugs and humps.
Oh, it is so sweet
that you two are fighting over Leia,
but let's get real.
Grandma gets first hug.
[car horn honks]
["Macarena" playing]
["Macarena" ends]
Look who got the first hug.
- Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine.
- Grandma.
Okay, Grandma,
it's weird that you're kissing my neck.
That's me.
So whose hand's on my butt?
Oh, that's mine.
So who's blowing in my ear?
I'm just breathing.
As always, I got it.
[theme music plays]
Hangin' out down the street ♪
The same old thing we did last week ♪
Not a thing to do ♪
But talk to you ♪
We're all alright, we're all alright ♪
Hello, Wisconsin!
- Ozzie!
- Zip it, string cheese.
Don't take it personally.
He's trying to win Spice Girls tickets.
If Freaky Freddy
and the Turd play "Wannabe,"
and I'm the tenth caller, I win.
Garth Brooks? Are you shitting me?
Okay, I have two minutes for you.
Come here.
You're wearing
the Bath & Body Works lotion I sent you.
I wear it every day.
Did you get the hat I knitted for you?
I did.
I did get it.
I can't believe I'm finally back.
Spring break was so long ago.
I know!
Ugh! Counting Crows!
This is so nice. I can't believe
we have to talk about the bad thing.
Oh, I already got rid of Jay.
I said you forgot all your tampons
and sent him to the store.
- Gwen!
- I told him you're a size 28.
So he should be gone a long time.
Now that I'm back for the whole summer,
I'm really starting to freak out.
Oh, honey.
You should be.
Last summer, you almost hooked up
with her brother,
didn't tell your boyfriend,
he didn't tell his girlfriend,
and now we're all stuck in a web of lies.
Leia, seriously.
You need to get it together.
I have big plans for us.
We're gonna raise hell
and burn down the patriarchy,
and maybe try that new fro-yo place.
Fro-yo's overrated. Ice cream or die.
You're right. I can be cool about this.
No, I can't! Everybody's gonna find out!
And Nate and Nikki will break up.
And Jay will dump me,
and he's been so sweet and romantic
while we've been apart.
He even mailed me a lock of his hair.
I hope it was from his head,
'cause I kiss it every night before bed.
Dude. Nobody's gonna find out
if you keep your pube-smooching mouth shut
and just be normal around Nate.
I mean, I can, and I walked in on him
having sex with the couch.
This couch.
Does it matter what couch?
Uh yes!
We are not getting a pet catfish.
Nik, I want a cat and a fish.
It's the only pet that's a two-for-one.
Uh, what about a spider monkey
or a horsefly?
Oh my God, you're contagious.
- Leia, you're back.
- Hey! That was too loud.
Come here!
- Why are you hanging back? Give her a hug.
- I would rather kill her.
[chuckles softly]
I'm kidding.
Hey.
Hey there, sports fan.
My button is stuck.
[both grunting]
[mouthing]
Easy, Nate. She's not a couch.
[scoffs]
- Told you I was looking for the remote.
- With a condom on?
They were out of 28s,
but I got 600 Ultras and a tarp.
[rock music plays]
Sorry Eric couldn't make it.
He got carsick
backing out of the driveway.
What do you expect?
He was born with the softest head
the doctor had ever seen.
He couldn't wear a hat
for the first six months.
I'd see other mothers
with the cute hats on their babies
and I'd think "Must be nice."
There's still one little spot.
If you touch it,
he'll sneeze like a puppy.
[laughs]
This lemonade looks yummy.
Oh, it's the mint.
Schwing!
Here we go again.
Since she started working
at that high school,
I don't understand a damn thing she says.
Sorry you can't hang with my slang, Red.
Not!
Then I guess I'll go
and clean the gutters like you asked.
Not!
So, anything exciting going on
around here besides this conversation?
I got back into my model trains.
I just finished painting City Hall.
Now, that, uh, Mayor Brown,
he thinks he's in charge. [chuckles]
I'm the king.
Sure you are, Red.
- The neighbor across the street died.
- Creepy Kowalski?
He was always trying to get me
to jump on his trampoline.
I know. Sweet man.
But now his house is on the market.
It is the perfect chance for someone
to move back to Point Place,
so her mother-in-law can stop resenting
her for stealing away her baby boy.
Okay, don't get started with this.
Moving away was Eric's idea.
Homewrecker says what?
What?
I'm doing something here, Red.
I know you have the best of intentions,
like getting Leia
secretly baptized four times.
But we're we're happy in Chicago.
I know. You're right!
This is just a silly idea
that popped into my head.
Really? A flyer for the house
under my cookies?
Location, location, location.
Schwing!
[rock music plays]
This is getting worse.
We have to tell Nikki and Jay
about last summer.
Yeah.
There is not a way
that you can un-almost-kiss someone.
I asked a lawyer.
Look, you two,
we've all done something we regret.
Do you think I'm proud
that I gave a cranker to that sophomore
who looks like Frasier?
Hell no.
Tony Garvin?
Holy crap, we cranked the same Frasier.
Do you know what your problem is?
This whole mess is your Frasier,
and you two keep cranking it.
We gotta quit cranking.
You get me?
No.
I don't want to do anything
with that little Frasier.
What's she talking about?
She means that we need to talk.
Yes. I've been thinking that
for a long time.
What do you wanna talk about?
The Hindenburg? That was crazy.
No. Us.
What happened last summer
seemed right in the moment,
but that's not what I want.
I want to be with Jay.
Yeah, and I want to be with Nik
and her boobs.
They soothe me.
Leia, we can't tell them.
We have to take this to the grave!
Yes. I don't want to hurt either of them.
We're not saying dick!
How long you think this is gonna last?
Three, two, one.
We have to tell them.
Yeah. As soon as possible.
Damn.
That was faster than Tony Garvin.
[rock music plays]
If you lived across the street,
half of this George Foreman Grill
could be yours.
I could be the co-owner
of the Kitty Forman George Foreman Grill?
Tempting.
You're gonna feel so awful
when I tell you the real reason
I need my family close by.
[quietly] I'm dying.
No, you're not.
- Whose team are you on, Red?
- I'm on yours, Kitty.
Team Crazy.
I'm crazy?
I'm crazy? You're the one
who can't sleep at night
because your tiny firehouse
is on back order.
Stop calling it tiny!
It's to scale.
I'm starting to think
Eric wasn't really carsick.
Booyah!
Booyah to both of you!
[folksy tune playing]
Leia, I think about you
All night and day-a ♪
You made me feel the opposite of gay-a ♪
Even though being gay
Is perfectly okay-a ♪
Hooray-a! ♪
For Leia and Jay-a ♪
[exhales sharply]
I didn't know so many words
rhymed with my name.
They don't.
That was all me.
Jay, that was amazing.
I loved all 12 minutes of it.
And that makes what I need
to talk to you about even harder.
Yeah. I've noticed
you've been a little off.
You know, at first [sighs]
I thought it was 'cause of your period,
'cause Gwen said it was a level seven.
[sighs]
But
I think I know the real reason.
You do?
It's because
I haven't been honest with you about some
things that happened when you were gone.
Wait, what?
Leia
I really like you.
And I want our relationship
to be built on trust.
Like the library.
So I'm gonna tell you everything.
I flirted with this chick who works
at McDonald's, but she was, like, 30,
and when you're that old and busted,
no one sees you anymore.
And I took advantage of that
to get a free shake.
[exhales]
And I am so sorry.
Even though I totally made her day.
Okay, my turn.
Wait, there's one more thing.
It's really bad.
I pleasured myself to the love scene
in Dances with Wolves.
'Cause it's really sexy to me
that it was before deodorant.
Thank you for telling me. It's okay.
I am so relieved.
I mean, 'cause if you had
something bad to tell me,
I don't know if I'd take it that well.
I mean, I don't know if you know this
about me, but I'm pretty sensitive.
Okay, your turn.
Um
I was just gonna say that
I did the same thing
to Dances with Wolves.
What have we done, Leia?
This is their land!
[rock music plays]
Dude, that's your song.
That's a commercial
for the Point Place Credit Union.
I couldn't tell Jay. Please tell me
you didn't say anything to Nikki.
- No, she went home.
- Thank you.
So I left a message
on her answering machine.
What?!
I only did it 'cause I thought
we were all doing it. Like seat belts!
I don't even wanna talk right now.
[sighs]
Nikki, I'm so sorry.
What are you sorry about?
It's this stupid internship.
My boss's St. Bernard
kept trying to make out with me,
and now I smell like Beethoven's butthole.
She hasn't heard the message yet.
We have to get to her house
and erase it before she hears it.
I got Nikki. You got answering machine.
Ugh. The smell is not coming off.
I'm gonna go home and shred this blazer.
Uh, you can't!
Your house burned down. It's
It's all gone.
He is kidding.
He wants to, uh, take you out
'cause he loves you so very much.
Leia's right, babe.
And that is hard for me to say
'cause I think she's gross overall.
Let's go out. Just you and me.
- Hey, bro.
- Jay!
Come outside with me
while I think of a reason why.
- Can it be to compare biceps in the sun?
- Yes.
Didn't we just do this?
Yours are bigger!
Yours are more defined! It's a tie!
Ozzie, you have to help me
get into Nikki's house.
Oh. Right. You can't hear me.
No, I can hear you.
I'm just not gonna help.
[rock music plays]
I think I ditched your wife.
I put a spoon in the garbage disposal,
I turned it on, and ran.
I hate to say it, but I think
Kitty might have finally lost it.
Whoa.
Yeah, she can really take things too far.
Uh-huh.
What's all of this?
Pretty neat, huh?
It takes me back to my youth.
Everyone had a job.
Milkshakes were a nickel.
And if you liked big butts,
you had the good sense
to keep it to yourself.
Cool.
None of those little people
talk to you, right?
No, but with Leia gone
and, uh, Kitty working,
I had a lot of free time on my hands.
And it was either this or day drinking.
And then I figured, why not both?
Unrelated
Do you have anyone
in your life you can talk to?
Didn't you used to have
a group of guys you'd play cards with?
Yeah.
But Larry retired to Arizona,
and Bill bought a boat,
and I haven't seen Roger
since our last camping trip.
Why not?
Bear got him.
Oh. Well, there you are.
An adorable family
just stopped by to look at the house,
but I I chased them down with a hose.
So we're still on track.
I told you I was done
talking about that house
when you handed me
a loan application while I was peeing.
Oh, get over it.
Eric already described everything to me.
- Mom, I really need
- Whatever it is, let's go.
Give me back my son!
I think your trains made it weird, Red.
[rock music plays]
Leia?
Mom! You were supposed to wait in the car.
You were supposed to be grabbing
a scrunchie you left at Nikki's.
Then I saw you distract her dog with
a piece of bologna and climb in a window.
What's going on?
Is this about you and Nikki's boyfriend?
How do you know about that?
Have you been listening to my calls?
Please. All moms do it.
Do you think I put you on the pill
on a hunch?
Nate left a message
telling Nikki the truth.
I have to erase it. I tried to keep you
out of it, but you ask too many questions.
Now if we get caught
we're both going to jail.
Who's going to hold
Dad's hand at the dentist?
He gets so scared, Mom.
Okay, slow down.
Nobody's going to jail,
and nobody's going to the dentist.
- Talk to me.
- It's just
Last summer was a dream come true,
and then I ruined it all right at the end.
I love having these friends.
I love having a boyfriend
who's like Keanu Reeves, but hotter.
Sure.
But the only way to keep it all
is to keep lying.
That's not me.
You know what? Let Nikki hear the truth.
If this all blows up,
and I have to go home with you tomorrow,
it's what I deserve.
Wow.
That is such a mature decision.
And I know it wasn't easy.
And I'm so proud of the woman
you're becoming.
- [beeps]
- [voicemail] Message erased.
Mom?
[exhales]
Have a good summer.
[both chuckle]
[gasps] I love you so much right now.
[voicemail] Next message.
[Nate] Me again!
That last message wasn't real.
I was acting!
I'm auditioning for a movie about a guy
who almost kisses his best friend's girl
[voicemail] Message erased.
Next message.
[Nate] Yeah, it's actually not gonna be
released in America, so you won't see it.
Take the tape. Just take the tape.
[rock music plays]
I knew this day would come.
I've already packed a bag.
Now, let's get you the help you need.
Talk to the hand, Red.
Donna's on the phone outside.
You are listening
to your daughter-in-law's
private conversation?
Oh, please. All moms do it.
Moving back to Point Place
isn't the worst idea.
It'd be great for Leia,
and I think Red's kind of lonely.
Actually, I know he's lonely.
His friend was eaten by a bear.
I am a god!
Donna and Eric are buying the house
across the street.
They think you're a sad old man.
Isn't that great?
Great for you, maybe.
I can't think of anyone
more annoying than Eric.
So what do you say?
Well, I got a full body wax
scheduled tomorrow, but I'll cancel.
I hope you don't mind.
I'm coming in fluffy.
[laughs]
[rock music plays]
It's happening!
Pick up, Freaky Freddy! Pick up, Turd!
How do you care so much?
It's just the Spice Girls.
[woman] WFPP, congratulations.
You're our tenth caller.
- I won!
- Please hold for Freddy and the Turd.
I never should've doubted you.
Everything's taken care of.
Nikki and Jay will never find out
about Nate and me.
[Freddy] Whoa, Turd! Did you hear that?
[Turd] Nikki and Jay are gonna be pissed.
You know what that means?
[both] Double flush!
[toilet flushing]
I'm on the radio?!
- [dial tone]
- My tickets!
Don't panic.
They probably weren't listening.
That was crazy. [chuckles lightly]
Turd never does a double flush.
[yelps]
[foliage rustling, cracking]
[thudding]
[Nate] It's cool. I landed on the ground.
You're dead!
- [shouts]
- [foliage rustling]
[rock music plays]
[theme music playing]