That '90s Show (2023) s02e02 Episode Script

1
[rock riff plays]
My life is over.
I just announced over the radio
how I almost hooked up
with my boyfriend's best friend.
Freaky Freddy and the Turd
already named me Skank of the Week!
On the plus side, winning this week
makes you eligible for Skank of the Year.
Gwen! [scoffs]
Shh!
I'm waiting to see if they'll still
give me my Spice Girls tickets.
Remember? The ones you sabotaged
with your yap-yap mouth?
Yes, I'm still holding.
Gwen, please tell me they don't know.
They know. They know everything.
Think that's gonna keep Jay and Nikki out?
- Yeah!
- Worth a shot.
[Gwen] You forgot something.
The other door.
- I'm so sorry.
- No.
Bro, I love you.
Don't you dare
Can everyone just make out with everyone,
so we can just move on?
[theme music plays]
Hangin' out down the street ♪
The same old thing we did last week ♪
Not a thing to do ♪
But talk to you ♪
We're all alright
We're all alright ♪
Hello, Wisconsin!
Hey! Dude, you warmed up enough. Just
Just kick my ass already. I deserve it.
Boys. Everything turns to violence,
am I right?
Ow! Oh!
I can't believe I'm about to unleash
my karate on the person I care about most.
I trained for literally everything
but this.
This would be so hot
if it was literally any other guys.
Jay, sweep the leg.
No mercy.
[groans] Damn you, Nate!
My legs wanna do karate,
but my arms wanna do a hug.
What if
No, it's stupid.
Tell me.
What if you just listened to your arms?
- I missed you, bro. [sobs]
- I missed you more.
I'm so glad that we're all okay.
We're not okay.
And I gotta get out of here
'cause you're still hot,
but I'm pissed at you.
And that is super confusing.
Hey, Nikkle Pickle.
Oh!
One of my balls went back up.
I promise nothing happened.
Our faces just came near each other,
but nothing touched.
Yeah, her face was completely dry.
You know how slobbery my kisses are.
It's like sucking on a car wash.
It's seriously true.
You can ask Gwen. She was there.
So you knew about it this entire time?
Which means you knew too.
Me? No.
Nikki!
Yeah, I knew.
[rock music plays]
Hey Mom.
Could you say it without the face?
I thought I did.
So, I want to talk to you
about the house next door.
It's happening!
You're moving back home.
We are gonna be best friends, Donna.
I'll bring you to my aqua aerobics class.
Mostly we just stand there and do this
and talk about Michael Bolton.
I just love you so much.
We're staying in Chicago.
You are dead to me.
Okay, but
I think my dad might buy the house.
He's coming up to check it out.
Then all the grandparents
would be in the same place.
I can host Thanksgiving every year.
Oh, Donna! I am gonna buy so much butter!
I want him to live closer too.
I just had to go to Florida
to bail him out.
He thinks every beach is a nude beach.
We just have to get Red on board.
Hey, honey, how's your morning?
I fought for this country,
and you know what people
chose to do with their freedom?
Spit their Commie gum on my driveway.
Should we wait for him
to be in a good mood?
I've been waiting 40 years.
So we have some fun news to share.
Donna.
You know how
the house across the street is for sale?
Kitty.
There is a particular person. Donna.
Who might buy. Kitty.
It. Donna.
- Kitty?
- Donna?
Red!
Bob?
We're gonna be neighbors again.
[gruffly] Kitty.
[gruffly] Donna.
[rock music plays]
Jay and Nikki still won't talk to me,
and I'm freaking out.
How are you so calm?
Nikki and I fight a lot.
I'll just let her cool down,
and then I'll apologize and
We'll have bananas makeup sex. [chuckles]
Well, that isn't an option for me
'cause I made two people mad.
And three people can't have sex.
Oh, honey.
But I did have an idea
on how to fix things with Jay.
[gentle music plays]
You say ♪
I only hear what I want to ♪
Why are you in my apartment?
You say ♪
I talk so all the time ♪
So ♪
And I thought what I felt was simple ♪
And I thought that I don't belong ♪
You don't.
And now that I am leaving ♪
Now I know that I did something wrong ♪
- It's called trespassing.
- 'Cause I missed you ♪
Yeah, yeah, I missed you ♪
You don't even look like me.
And you say ♪
I only hear what I want to
I don't listen hard ♪
Don't pay attention
To the distance that you ♪
Can I have your cat?
Get out!
[song fades out]
Fine. Whatever. It's not like
I practiced the song all night.
Here's the thing, Leia.
Ever since you've been back,
every decision you've made
has been tragic.
So from now on, I'm in charge.
No, Gwen.
I made this mess.
I'm gonna figure something out.
Uh, just let her do it, Leia.
She's really good at fixing stuff.
When I kept sleeping through my alarm,
she's the one who figured out to just
come in my room and punch me in the nuts.
Happy to help.
[rock riff plays]
Well, think about it.
Bob moving back here
might not be the worst idea.
Yeah, it is. You don't remember
what it was like when he lived next door?
No boundaries. He never knocks.
He just bursts into our house
like the damn Kool-Aid man.
Well, I prefer to focus
on the good times with Bob.
I can't I can't think
of any specifics right now,
but overall, I remember a happy feeling.
Why do you always have to force things?
I am not forcing anything.
A man died across the street,
a house opened up.
If anyone's trying to play God, it's God.
- Guess who loved the house.
- It's perfect.
All the bathrooms have
carpeted toilet seats like I like.
That's all he looked at.
He didn't even see the kitchen.
We are so excited you're here. Right, Red?
[grudgingly] I'm thrilled.
Red, why don't you take Bob to the garage
and show him your toys?
They're model trains.
And there's only one controller.
I'm in.
Anything with "model" in the name,
I'll play with it. [laughs]
Have fun, Dad.
Okay, go on.
Go on. I think it'll be a hoot.
Maybe I'll start the car
and let it run while we're in there.
As long as you're doing it together.
[rock riff plays]
[rhythmic grunting]
It's a lot of grunting.
Did Nikki make up with Nate already?
No. This might be a solo ride
on the pleasure train.
It's supposed to be this loud?
Hey, Nikki.
Hope you're at a natural stopping point
because Leia's here to apologize.
Oh, good. You opened the door.
Yeah, so I could slam it in your face.
Okay, you better go.
But what about my Frosty?
Do you honestly believe
you deserve a Frosty?
I do not.
- [grunting]
- [music playing on TV]
Nikki?
Oh, thank God. It's just Tae Bo.
I don't want to talk to you.
- It's okay. We got rid of Leia.
- I was talking about you.
- Me?
- Yeah, Leia's clueless.
She's like a doll
that was wished to life yesterday.
But you've been lying to me
this whole time.
What about Ozzie?
Gwen told me to lie.
She threatened my family.
I thought we were actually friends, Gwen,
and that I was more
than just Nate's girlfriend,
but I guess I was wrong.
This is so stupid, Nikki.
Of course we're friends.
Ozzie, give her your Spice Girls tickets
so she knows we mean it.
Oh [chuckles]
I wish I could, but I like myself
more than either of you.
Are you serious?
A stupid concert
is more important than your friends?
Don't ask a question
if you don't want the answer.
[rock music plays]
Thanks for doing this with me.
So how'd you get Jay
to agree to talk to me?
What is she doing here?
You said you got a buyer for my painting.
I'll buy it.
Oh, yeah, like you have $100,000.
Dude, just talk to her.
She's really sorry.
I'm not ready.
You broke my heart.
Plus, I just had
a huge art deal fall through.
I didn't know
you were such a good painter.
Yeah, well, maybe if you spent
less time sucking on his face,
your mouth would be free
to ask me about my passions.
Almost kissed.
Okay, I'm going.
Is it this hard with you and Nikki?
Not really because
it happens all the time,
which isn't great,
but I think we'll be fine.
If we get past me calling her grandma hot,
we can make it through anything.
She was an Olympic swimmer.
Anyway, I'm more concerned
about you and Leia.
I just wish there was something
I could do to get past this.
You know, like, even the score?
She kissed my best friend,
so I should kiss her best friend.
My sister?
Then I'll end up being your dad.
Yeah, you're right.
But there is someone else.
- ["Boombastic" by Shaggy playing]
- Mr. Lover lover, mmm ♪
Mr. Lover lover ♪
Hehe, girl ♪
Oh hey, Jay. You hungry?
I'm always hungry.
You should eat more fiber.
Here. Let me help you with that.
Oh, that was a lot.
[retches]
Touch me inna me back
She says I'm Mr. Boom-boom-boom-boom ♪
Hey, girl.
Dude.
[song ends]
What am I looking at?
I'm really sorry if I got your hopes up.
Dude, you wouldn't live through it.
["Boombastic" resumes and ends]
Whoo-whoo!
Don't touch that.
Why don't you tell me what I can touch?
Well, you touch that doorknob over there.
Just wiggle it around a little bit,
and then close it behind you.
Whoa. I thought we were out here
having some guy-on-guy fun.
Look, Bob, I'm gonna say this
as nicely as I can.
Every minute with you
is my own private hell.
I got to be honest, Red,
the insults to my personality
feel very personal.
The kids are married, Bob, not us.
We're supposed to see each other
at the wedding and at one of our funerals.
You are doing too much in between.
For 30 years I've been trying with you,
but there's no point.
I'm done being nice to you.
Hey! Put that little man down.
Oops! I popped his head off.
That was Mayor Brown.
And his wife just died.
You know what else just died?
My offer on that house!
I'm canceling it.
See? Now I like you.
[rock music plays]
Here. Ozzie and I really want you
to have these.
Really? 'Cause you held him down
and dug 'em out of his pocket.
You touched it, Gwen.
Not my jam, but my mom would be thrilled.
This doesn't change anything.
Something really bad just happened to me,
and you haven't even asked me if I'm okay.
I'm sorry. You're right,
I should have checked in with you.
It's just, you're so strong and together.
Your bras always match your underwear,
like in the commercials.
Yeah, well, it still hurts.
For real. Nikki, are you okay?
Not really.
You look like you could use a hug.
Give her back the tickets.
Narc.
[rock riff plays]
Unbelievable.
It wasn't all you, Leia.
Lisa Loeb?
Pretty weird when someone
just shows up in your house.
This is a bad time.
I really messed things up
with my boyfriend.
What about all that crap
he pulled last summer?
And the stuff in the kitchen
with your mom?
Dude's a horndog.
- Wait, how do you know about that?
- Leia, I'm everywhere.
Hey, Leia.
Who were you just talking to?
Uh I was just listening to Lisa Loeb.
Leia, I really didn't want
to seduce your mom,
but it's the only way
I could fix what you did.
You know what?
I'm sick of chasing after you
like I'm the only one
who needs to apologize.
Last summer, you made me feel
like everything was great,
and then, out of nowhere,
you just broke up with me.
But then I said never mind.
That messed with my head, and it hurt.
So this is my fault now?
Leia, you kissed my best friend.
Almost! Almost!
Almost!
Well, I don't know what to do.
I can't take back what I did.
Well, I can't either.
[sighs] This sucks.
I just
I wish we could start with a clean slate
and not mess everything up this time.
Why can't we just do that?
'Cause normally girls aren't up for
forgetting all the things I did wrong.
Let's just clean the slate.
I'll go first.
I'm sorry I almost kissed Nate.
[sighs deeply]
And I'm sorry for messing with your head.
And your mom.
And for all the dumb stuff
I'll probably do in the future
because I wanna be together
for a very long time.
I missed you.
Leia.
You have no idea.
What in the Blue Lagoon
is going on in here?
What kind of a show
are you running around here, Red?
I went to say goodbye to my granddaughter,
and I caught this skeezeball
slurping up her face!
We were just having a conversation.
Oh, I love a good conversation.
Hey, foot, you wanna go on a little trip?
"Sure, Red.
I just hope it's up someone's ass."
Oh, it is.
You have two scary grandpas?
- Yes.
- Yes.
What is going on in here?
Why are you two about to murder
that little Kelso?
Mrs. Formans,
they're threatening me.
And my butt.
I don't know if they mean it,
but I really can't tell.
They mean it. You should go.
What? No kiss goodbye?
[both laughing]
Red, Bob,
embarrassing your granddaughter,
threatening a child.
Look at these two getting along.
It's too bad you're leaving, Dad.
It's gonna be a long summer
of Leia exploring her teen urges
in the most irresponsible ways.
- Mom.
- I trust you. You're amazing.
Something else is going on.
Oh well.
I guess we could just cross our fingers
and hope she doesn't get pregnant.
Screw that. I'm not going anywhere.
We need another set of eyes
on that hairy little punk.
You know, maybe having you around again
isn't the worst thing.
[sobs softly] Damn it, Red.
That got me right in the thumper.
All right. All right. Don't start.
Come on, let's go grab a beer.
I drank all your beer
when you wouldn't let me
play with your trains.
What did I just do?
[slow rock music plays]
Jay and I decided to start over.
We've got a clean slate.
We can be whoever we wanna be.
I wanna be Batman!
But I don't want to wear that Bat hat.
I want everyone to see my hair.
[both chuckle]
Summer's back on track.
It was hard.
But the hard things in life are worth it.
I'm not giving up on you, Jiffrey.
Jiffrey. [chuckles]
What a dumb name.
Isn't that right, Smuckerella?
[chuckles]
I have the best girlfriend in the world.
Not only did she forgive me super easy,
but she's taking me
to see the Spice Girls.
I think that's a strip club.
You know what's weird?
I haven't even thought about us today.
[chuckles]
I haven't either.
Our entire relationship is falling apart,
and we spent the whole day
caring more about other people.
[both laughing]
That's messed up, right?
Totally.
Like, why are we even together, right?
[chuckling]
You don't think we should be together?
No, I
I I don't know.
Maybe.
Did you think
this year was as good as last year?
- We've been fighting a lot.
- I can't believe this is happening.
Okay, forget it. We love each other.
No, you you already started.
You can't take it back.
Just say whatever crap you need to say.
[sighs]
I guess, sometimes I think maybe
Maybe it would've been better
if I'd kissed Leia,
because then you'd have broken up with me
instead of me having to say that I
I don't think
we should be together anymore.
Got it.
Thanks for the honesty, you dick.
Nik
["Stay (I Missed You)" by Lisa Loeb plays]
And I thought what I felt was simple ♪
And I thought that I don't belong ♪
And now that I am leaving ♪
Now I know that I did something wrong ♪
'Cause I missed you ♪
Yeah, yeah ♪
I missed you ♪
And you say ♪
I only hear what I want to ♪
I don't listen hard
Don't pay attention ♪
To the distance that you're running
To anyone, anywhere ♪
I don't understand if you really care ♪
I'm only hearing negative, no, no, no ♪
[song fades out]