That '90s Show (2023) s02e03 Episode Script

1
[rock riff plays]
[inhales deeply]
[exhales deeply]
Here's an interesting headline.
"Annoying kid leaves kitchen."
"Local man keeps foot to himself."
Good morning.
Hi, honey. Oh
Somebody's got some juice
in their caboose. [laughs]
Grandma, I know what you mean,
but oh my God.
I am in a good mood.
I have an interview
where Gwen works at the mall.
Yup, your granddaughter's gonna be
a working girl.
Can you please just call it a job?
Oh, oh
Is it at a Yankee Candle?
I would tear that place apart
if I had an employee discount.
I would be knee-deep in wicks.
It's at Hot Topic.
It's like the coolest store in the mall.
That place is not for you.
I know it's not a perfect fit,
but Gwen is the main reason
I come here for the summer.
[laughs, snorts]
I feed you.
And even though she has a job,
and I have a boyfriend,
I wanna make sure we get
to spend a lot of time together.
My first job was in a hole.
Nobody told me what to do for a week.
So I just sat there in the dark
waiting for somebody
to lower me a sandwich.
I'm gonna get going.
Good luck, kiddo. Enjoy taxes.
Now, you are not gonna believe this, Red.
Nate and Nikki broke up,
and Ozzie is here
to fill me in on the gossip.
I don't know who any of those people are.
I wish I had something saucy,
Mrs. Forman, but
they were together for a long time,
and the magic was gone.
They were in a rut.
Just like you two.
We are not in a rut.
We keep things exciting.
Tonight is pot pie night,
and Red, hold on to your slippers,
I am thinking of adding cheese.
The hell you are.
We've had it without cheese for 40 years
'cause that's the way we like it.
Oh my gosh. We are in a rut.
Don't listen to him. He's five.
I could do this all day.
It's like a Walgreens down here.
[theme music plays]
Hangin' out down the street ♪
The same old thing we did last week ♪
Not a thing to do ♪
But talk to you ♪
We're all all right
We're all all right ♪
Hello, Wisconsin!
[gasps]
Not enough chocolate
Science is hard.
But we will prevail.
Maybe we should think about
a 5th year of high school.
But I'm glad to see you're in a good mood.
He's been such a mope since the breakup.
Yeah, that first week was brutal,
but I'm coming out of it.
Just sucks because
Nikki's probably devastated.
Oh yeah. I've been there.
Right now, she's either crying
into her tube top
or riding the mechanical bull
for some male attention.
Either way, she's drunk.
[door closes]
Nik?
Here's all the stuff you left at my house.
Thanks. That's really cool of you.
Oh.
You burned everything.
I burned a guy's stuff once,
but it was his car.
You're doing way better
than I thought you'd be doing.
See, I was sad at first,
but then I realized
that we weren't meant to be.
But that doesn't mean
I'm not gonna torture you first.
You know that striped thong
you wanted me to buy
because you thought
I'd look like a sexy referee?
I'm familiar.
I'm gonna go buy it,
and then I'm gonna tell you
when I'm wearing it.
Because I want you to know
what you're missing.
[whispers] Touchdown.
- Bye Mrs. Runck.
- Bye, sweetie.
You okay, dude?
[crying] Mommy.
Oh boy. I had to torch a guy's Pontiac
to get this kind of reaction.
[rock music plays]
Hey, you.
Hey, you came to visit me.
- I'm here for a job interview.
- You wanna work here?
That'd be dope,
but I don't think you're gonna like it.
Why wouldn't I?
[screams]
Well, if you're actually gonna interview
here, you should dress more metal.
This is the periodic table of elements.
It has all the metals.
Come with me.
Nice.
Thanks. I feel so cool [screams]
Here comes my boss.
Keep saying how much you love this place
'cause he's way into Hot Topic.
Is he gonna make me pee in a cup?
- 'Cause I don't know if I'll pass.
- Dude. I work here.
Gwen.
We need some pliers and a lot of gauze.
Another customer got tangled up
in the nipple clamps.
Hey, I'm Leia Forman.
I'm here for the interview.
Forman?
You wouldn't be related
to an Eric Forman, would you?
'Cause that guy stole
my smoking hot Donna.
Uh no.
My dad's name is Norman Forman.
And my mom? Ugly.
Good. Good. Good.
'Cause I loathe Eric Forman.
Sometimes I fantasize about
hitting him with my Geo Storm,
and then just backing up
to finish the job.
Yeah, crush his skull,
and then his dumb family
couldn't even have an open casket.
His daughter would probably be so sad.
That's messed up.
You're hired.
Hey, Mitch.
What are you doing in here,
you Abercrombie scum?
Oh, by the way, Mitch has
a psychotic hatred for Abercrombie.
- And Fitch?
- And Fitch.
It's cool. We brought you
some birthday cake.
We have a lot of leftovers
because we don't eat dessert, obviously.
Oh! [groans]
[coughing]
Put your shirts down.
I got this, Mitch.
If you're here, who's harassing
all the Cheesecake Factory waitresses?
Uh, Susan thinks I'm hilarious.
She actually told me
I'm funnier than Martin Lawrence.
"Aww, damn Gina!"
[laughing] That's dead on.
Do not think he's funny.
Later, ladies.
I'll see you at the gym, Mitch.
No, you won't,
'cause Mother lets me use
her NordicTrack at home.
[rock music playing]
Hello, sexy gardener.
I brought you some iced tea.
What's with the dress? Did someone die?
Was it Bob?
No, I put this on
to be fun and spontaneous.
Oh, Kitty, stop it.
We have a wonderful life.
Except for right now. This is annoying.
You're not hearing me, Red.
We have gotten too comfortable.
We need to to shake things up.
Would it kill us to make love
before Wheel of Fortune?
Before Wheel of Fortune?
We'd miss Peter Jennings.
We are in a rut,
and I'm trying to climb out of it.
You know what I was thinking about
last night?
Going to Paris.
I've always wanted
to make sandwiches with their bread.
Don't get yourself all spun up.
If this is really bothering you,
I'll think about it.
[sarcastically] Ooh
You'll think about it.
Can't wait to brag to the girls
at the salon about that one.
[rock riff plays]
It hurts, Mom.
Aw, buddy, I know.
Breakups are hard.
Mommy's here.
I can't do this anymore.
I gotta go to work. He's yours today.
Bye, sweetie.
Seeing Nik doing so well, I
I thought I was at rock bottom, but
I was just rock middle.
Dude.
Here.
It's a porn tape I swiped from my dad.
I don't know, man.
I might be too sad for this.
[rock riff plays]
[sighing] Well, that worked.
It had everything. Romance, mystery.
And how refreshing to see
an accounting firm run by women.
Yeah, but they keep the office fun.
Now give it back.
Hey. Let go.
This is a Kelso family heirloom.
No way, man. I was planning
on being sad again before my bath.
[rock music plays]
Ozzie.
I thought they were mannequins.
But they're real.
What do you think?
Enough spikes or not enough spikes?
Isn't it beneath you to buy a sexy outfit
to make your ex-boyfriend jealous?
You're right.
It's vindictive. It's immature.
And it's using my body for spite.
Okay, I've talked myself back into it.
Thank you.
Did I just hear you ask
why I hate Abercrombie?
- No.
- 1985 mall talent show.
Mother was there.
I had just begun my breakdance routine
when I heard
the Abercrombie gang chanting,
"You suck!"
I tried to keep it together, but
during my climactic head spin,
I soiled my parachute pants.
I'm gonna go clean out the dressing rooms.
Gwen?
- Shh!
- [curtain swishes]
[rock riff plays]
It'll take 45 minutes to make a copy,
and the Formans just left for dinner.
Let's just, uh, hurry up.
I mean, I cannot get caught
doing this, bro.
This is exactly the kind of thing
Leia's grandpa thinks I would do.
Okay, we're all set.
- You hit play. I'll hit record.
- Okay.
One, two, three, go.
[atmospheric music playing]
[woman on tape] Jennifer,
you forgot to fill out your 10-69 form.
Let me help you with that.
[man on tape] Hey, ladies, I'm Axel,
the maintenance guy. It's my first day.
That's where I tapped out last time.
I knew what was about to happen to Axel,
and I was excited for him.
[Axel] Does anything need to be handled?
[woman] You can start by handling my
[tape distorts and stops]
Handling what?
[yells] Handling what?
I think the tape's jammed.
Get up and fix it.
You get up and fix it.
I I can't right now.
Me neither.
I don't know what your excuse is,
but I've got a boner.
Okay, same time, then.
[both grunting]
It won't come out.
I wish Axel was here.
This would never happen to him.
He's so lucky.
Let's take the VCR, okay?
They'll think they got robbed.
Wait. Who breaks into someone's house
but only takes a VCR?
Right.
Let's steal more stuff.
You are so smart.
We're smart.
[rock riff plays]
Not bad, huh?
I really appreciate
you making the effort, Red.
I think this used to be
my gynecologist's office.
[gentle classical music playing]
Yep, yep, yep.
This is it.
Oh, so many fancy choices.
- I can't eat this crap.
- It's pronounced crepe, Red.
Bonsoir, monsieur, mademoiselle.
Can I start you off with sparkling water?
- We'll have whatever's free.
- No, actually, let's try something new.
Give the lady the bubble water.
- Ah.
- [cork pops]
Red. [giggles]
[straining]
[gasps, pants]
This is spicy.
[rock riff plays]
- Gwen, what are you doing?
- Kissing a hot guy?
Yeah, you were.
Can you leave so we can talk?
Can you leave so she can
get back to kissing a hot guy?
It's okay. I'll catch up with you later.
Well, I'm going to Fuddruckers.
My aunt choked there once,
so I get free pop.
What is going on?
Are you two Fuddrucking?
No. He's just like my human Bop It.
You know? Bop it, twist it, pull it
Ew! I play that game with my dad.
- How long has this been going on?
- Like a month.
A month? Gwen, you should have told me
you were hooking up
with the Abercrombie & Fitch guy!
[Mitch yells] What?
Gwen. My office, right now.
The chair where people try on boots?
It's a multipurpose chair.
- You mean like every chair?
- Office!
[rock music playing]
Why is the Formans' living room
in my kitchen?
We were making a copy of a nudie flick.
Please don't tell the FBI.
It got jammed in the Formans' VCR, so
So you wanted to steal the VCR,
but that'd look suspicious,
so you stole everything.
I dated guys like you.
Jay was just trying to cheer me up.
- This breakup's killing me.
- Aw, buddy.
[sighs] It's a real kick in the cooch.
It hurts, but then it gets better.
Yeah, dude.
It's like when you came out of that lake
with that crawdad on your scrote.
And at first, you were crying,
trying to yank it off.
But then you let go.
And it let go.
You gotta let her go, bro.
Thanks, man.
Gives me hope.
I love you, hon.
I was nervous when you said "scrote,"
but you landed the plane there, kid.
[rock music plays]
[grunts angrily]
[straining, groans]
I get it. You're mad.
Oh. It's bigger than anger, Gwen.
You broke my heart.
And I don't have a lot going on.
Gwen, I got this job at this ghoul factory
'cause I'd do anything
to spend time with you.
Meanwhile, you've been lying to me
for a month.
Are we on the same page here?
I thought we're best friends.
- Leia, it's not like that.
- Yeah, it's worse than that.
This is Hot Topic, and you know
what the topic is? It's trust.
- You're fired.
- Seriously?
Yeah. Turn in your dog collar,
get out of my store.
Fine. Your store sucks,
and I'm telling the whole mall
your belly button ring is infected.
What? [laughing] No, it's not.
Why would you even say that?
It smells totally normal.
I can't believe you did that.
If she's fired, then I quit.
Oh no! A girl who's worked here
almost three hours is quitting.
Whatever will I do?
By the way, my dad is Eric Forman,
and Donna's my mom,
and they do it all the time.
And he doesn't even have to ask that much.
[gasping, wheezing]
Will you tell your mom I said "What's up?"
[rock riff playing]
Have you had a chance to peruse the menu?
I was eyeing the trout almondine,
but it doesn't have a price.
- It's offered at market price.
- Oh, how much is that?
It depends on the price
that has been dictated by the market.
When I get the check
at the end of the meal,
what little number is going to be
next to trout almondine?
I don't know.
I'm not the master of the market.
I'll just, uh I'll have something else.
No. No, no.
If you want fish,
you get the fish. [chuckles]
At market price.
- What sides does it come with?
- The chef decides.
Just the way we decided
to save your French asses in WWII?
I'm from Kenosha.
We're done.
I'm gonna clean my grout with this.
[rock music plays]
Just put that on the table.
We didn't bring the table,
which I said we should,
but you're bossy in a crisis.
What the hell?!
Uh uh
Porn got stuck,
so we robbed your grandparents.
Leia, it was one of those ideas
that was bad, but then it got good,
and then it got real bad.
Now you're caught up.
Why are we talking?
They could be home any minute.
- How are we gonna put this stuff back?
- Relax.
We just need a fresh idea.
[Mentos commercial jingle playing]
It doesn't matter what comes ♪
Fresh goes better in life ♪
With Mentos fresh and full of life ♪
Nothing gets to you ♪
Staying fresh, staying cool ♪
With Mentos, fresh and full of life! ♪
Fresh goes better ♪
Mentos freshness ♪
Fresh goes better ♪
With Mentos, fresh and full of life! ♪
[Ozzie] It's Mentos, bitches.
Ozzie, your fresh idea is standing
in the middle of the room?
Oh. Was I not talking?
Come on. We gotta put this stuff back.
[rock riff plays]
[gasps]
What happened to my living room?
That pillow doesn't belong there.
Oh
That's way better.
Thanks for trying tonight, honey.
I'm sorry it got so crazy.
I was trying to make you feel special.
Aww, Red.
You know what?
If we are in a rut, I love our rut.
[Red chuckles]
Well, what do you say
we make up for this tomorrow and
head over to Gordy's
for a couple of fish dinners?
Mmm I love Gordy's.
And they let you pick your own darn sides.
Better yet, we could skip Gordy's
and, uh, spend some time together.
Before Wheel of Fortune.
[Kitty laughs]
Well, that sounds like fun.
But I
I kind of have my heart
set on Gordy's now.
[Red chuckles]
I was hoping you'd say that.
[Kitty chuckles]
[rock music playing]
Oh. Hey, Gwen.
I probably should have told you this,
but for the past month
I've been keeping a secret too.
I'm married to Jonathan Taylor Thomas.
You're an idiot.
An idiot in love with teen sensation
Jonathan Taylor Thomas.
Fine. I should have told you everything.
- But it's really embarrassing.
- What?
I like him.
Like, really like him.
- Aww.
- Not aww.
He's popular and preppy and normal.
It goes against everything I stand for.
- What's his name?
- Cole Carson.
- That's a hot name.
- I know.
I'm so screwed.
You have to tell me everything.
Where was your first date?
Have you guys held hands?
Are his lips as soft as they look?
Applebee's, we're way past that,
and even softer.
Don't wait up. I got a meeting.
With a mechanical bull.
[rock riff plays]
[Nate] Hey.
Thanks.
You're not gonna say anything
about me touching your balls?
We really are broken up.
Look, if you're here to torture me,
can it wait until tomorrow?
I'm having a way harder time than you.
I'm having a hard time too.
My revenge underwear
is so far up my butt crack
that it's a part of me now.
- None of this is making me feel better.
- Nik, I'm sorry.
For everything.
It was already happening.
I mean, one of us had to be
brave enough to end things.
Hey, thanks for helping
to put all the Formans' stuff back.
Yeah, no, I've always wanted to help
my ex-boyfriend with his porn heist.
- [Nate chuckles]
- But I'm glad you got your tape back.
Uh-oh.
I was expecting Jane Fonda.
Instead, I got Shane Fondle.
[rock riff plays]
[theme music playing]