That '90s Show (2023) s02e04 Episode Script

1
[rock riff playing]
Twenty-nine hours until Etienne gets here.
That's 16.5 Sleepless in Seattles.
We measure time in romantic comedies.
We're adorable.
I'm so excited to finally meet
your Canadian boyfriend in
20 Pretty Womans!
Don't do that.
That's not for you.
Hey, if you need someone to drive you
to pick him up, we can take you in my van.
And don't worry about
the weird noise it makes.
It's been doing that
since we started brewing our own gas.
Hey, Nate, too bad we broke up.
Could've gotten in on the ground floor
of that million-dollar idea.
It's okay.
I already asked Mrs. Forman to drive me.
I didn't want Etienne to get off the bus,
see your van, and instantly hate America.
Why would somebody hate America?
Now you're a patriot?
When we were in Philadelphia,
all you wanted to do
was put your nuts on the Liberty Bell.
- Hey, Gwen.
- Hey!
Your mom told me where you were.
After she asked if my dad was single.
Cole, this is everyone. Everyone, shut up.
Wait, what's going on here?
Are you two dating?
Let me catch everyone up.
Gwen's got a boyfriend. I knew it first.
And the other night,
they tried to do it on the water tower,
but there was a raccoon up there.
He's not my boyfriend.
The rest of it's true.
That raccoon was a dick.
- Hi.
- [Cole] Mm.
- Ozzie.
- Mm.
I rank all the guys at school,
according to looks,
popularity, acts of service, and butts.
You're number one.
Yes. I I got your letter. [chuckles]
What's up, bro? Jay Kelso.
AKA number 16.
Do some squats, man.
So, you must be the brother.
Nate. We had gym together.
Oh, that's right.
You climbed up to the top of the rope,
but couldn't get back down.
Yeah. It was super scary.
There was this one dude
who kept throwing volleyballs at me.
That's how I get my Frisbee
down from the tree.
Gwen, now that we both have boyfriends
Chill out! He's not my boyfriend.
Not yet!
Oh my God! [chuckles]
Are they gonna be this weird
every time I come over?
Oh, we're never coming back here again.
[theme music plays]
Hangin' out down the street ♪
The same old thing we did last week ♪
Not a thing to do ♪
But talk to you ♪
We're all all right
We're all all right ♪
Hello, Wisconsin!
- Can you top me off, honey?
- Sure, baby.
- Where's my wife?
- That's what I wanna know.
- She's supposed to give me a ride, but
- Already lost interest.
Red, get this.
The movers were helping me
set up my new backyard.
You're not gonna believe what we found.
Other people for you to talk to?
Rattlesnake eggs.
I scooped them up and put them in here.
You gotta see these things.
[bag rustling]
You are in desperate need of a haircut,
and this is how you spend your time.
No one is gonna fall
for this stupid prank.
Rattlesnake eggs?
Here in Wisconsin? That's wild!
Summer is the time of year
when the mama snakes lay eggs.
Oh. Well, that makes sense.
No one wants to be pregnant in this heat.
Ooh. I feel 'em wiggling.
I think they're about to hatch.
- [bag rustling]
- Oh! [grunts]
Oh! Kitty! What happened?
Careful, Red.
There could be rattlesnakes everywhere.
[rock music playing]
Hey, Mrs. Forman.
I just wanted to see how you're doing.
Oh, I'm fine. It's just a bad sprain.
And I don't really feel anything
because the doctor gave me
these little beauties.
[pills rattling]
One a day! Ha!
Well, that ship has sailed.
Well, I'd love to help
take care of you today.
I need service hours
for National Honor Society.
I was going to volunteer at a youth camp,
but I'll drop out of high school
before I have to pee outdoors.
Say it.
Pranks are stupid and immature,
and I am sorry.
[Red] And?
I am as dumb as I look.
- [doorbell rings]
- I'll get that.
Must be another casserole
from the gals in the neighborhood.
[chuckles] Someone must have
told them about my injury.
It was me.
- You're playing with fire, Kitty.
- I only took three.
[gasps] And a glass of chardonnay.
No. I'm talking about
the casserole ladies.
Once you get to a certain age,
there are a lot more ladies than men,
and if these broads think that
Red's about to be on the market again,
they're gonna pounce.
What's he talking about?
He's saying that the casserole ladies
are hoping you die.
But I think you should be good.
It's just a sprained ankle.
Oh.
I might have said I had a collapsed lung.
I just I didn't want
those crappy muffins from Costco.
Getting old is bleak as hell.
Well, I don't think any of my friends
are gonna go after Red.
And even if they did,
the only woman Red wants is me.
Although I did have my suspicions
about Carmen Electra.
He knew that answer
on Jeopardy! a little too fast.
[rock riff plays]
I am gonna kick your ass!
All that boyfriend crap
you said in front of Cole?
Now he wants to have a talk about us.
Exciting.
No!
He was gazing into my eyes
and caressing my cheek.
Maybe you had some spinach there.
You really attack your food.
Leia, he's gonna ask me
to be his girlfriend.
Why is that a bad thing?
Getting to girlfriend is the goal.
Haven't you read Baby-Sitters Club?
"Girlfriend is the goal"?
You sound like a sexist drone.
I don't want to be anyone's anything.
I heard you on the phone with him giggling
like my dad when my mom cuts his toenails.
You really like him, right?
Fine. Yes.
So then why are you acting
like you've never been
in a real relationship before?
Wait, have you never been
in a real relationship before?
- Like, with feelings?
- What?
Of course I have.
I've had buttloads of feelings.
Like right now, I feel like stuffing you
into the microwave and pressing "popcorn."
You know what that prickly tone tells me?
For the first time,
you need my help with life stuff.
Oh, how the tables have turned.
Thank you, Susan. You're just too kind.
And take down
your damn Christmas lights. It's June.
Grandpa, you and Gwen
are basically the same person.
But you were able to give
your whole heart to Grandma.
- What made you take that leap?
- Well, the war had started.
And the Army gave you
an extra $12 if you were married.
Gwen, come on.
Just take a chance.
When are you gonna see Cole next?
- We're going to the movies tonight.
- Perfect.
Just hold his hand,
listen to what he has to say,
and keep your mind and heart open.
More boob than I thought I'd get.
Mine aren't in the middle
as much as yours.
[rock music playing]
We're honored you asked us
to drive you to the bus station.
There's no honor.
Since Mrs. Forman can't drive,
I'm desperate.
I'd call a taxi
if all those kids hadn't gone missing.
Dude, I know how important
Etienne is to you, okay?
So, I'll be on my best behavior.
No hot-boxing,
no Dutch ovens, and no mooning,
even if it's a school bus.
And you, no Jay Leno impressions.
I'll try, but [imitating Jay Leno]
we're gonna pick up your boyfriend.
What's that gonna be like?
- What's with the strap?
- [chuckles]
That's our flying strap.
[rock music playing]
That's as fast as she goes!
I love us!
Something I came up with
to help him with the breakup.
When you're up there,
all of your troubles blow away.
And sometimes your pants. [laughs]
[rock riff plays]
- Hey.
- What's going on down there?
I thought I heard somebody
spraying my Pam.
Was it Pam?
Oh God. I hate Pam!
The person.
The cooking spray changed my life.
I don't know if it was Pam,
but there is a woman downstairs
cooking Red some chicken.
In my oven?
[dreamy music plays]
Hey, Red.
Hello, Carmen Electra.
Hungry, baby?
I could eat.
["Be My Lover" by La Bouche playing]
Don't wanna make a mess.
Good thinking.
Be my lover ♪
Wanna be my lover ♪
Looking back on all the time
We spent together ♪
You oughta know by now
If you wanna be my lover ♪
Wanna be my lover ♪
You want to shake or bake?
[chuckling] Well, the box says
we're supposed to do both.
[song fades out]
I have to get downstairs.
But you can't even walk.
You will be my legs.
[rock riff plays]
Louise, you shouldn't have.
But I'm sure glad you did. [chuckles]
It's the least I could do.
Kitty's always been like a daughter to me.
Get away from my husband, you slut!
You should go.
Get her, Mrs. Forman.
You come back here!
No one shakes it or bakes it for my man.
[Louise whimpering]
[rock music plays]
[man over PA] Bus 289
from Quebec now arriving.
That's Etienne's bus.
I wish I still had
those chocolates to give him.
The card said, "For my special guy."
I thought that meant me.
Don't worry, bro. We got you.
There's a guy outside
selling loose Tic Tacs.
I'll hook you up.
Never seen you nervous before.
Me? No. What?
Shut up. Your face is nervous.
Oh. Here they come.
Wow.
Never realized
how much Canadians look like us.
Welcome to America.
[rock riff plays]
That guy's Walker.
He's a Texas Ranger.
Got it. Who's that guy?
He's a punk who's about to find out
why you don't mess with
Walker, Texas Ranger.
Hey, how did it go with Cole at the movie?
What the hell, Leia?
Do you tell your grandpas everything?
Go easy on her. She's on her period.
Grandpa, um, Gwen and I need to talk.
Oh. No problem.
I can tell when someone needs space.
I'm gonna go see what Red's doing.
So, what did Cole have to say?
I don't know. I broke up with him.
Holy Toledo! I didn't see that coming.
- Grandpa!
- But I'm invested now.
Why would you do that?
He could be the love of your life.
- You guys could be together forever.
- Life is not a Disney movie, dude.
It can be.
My parents met
in high school, so you never know.
Yeah. Well, that's your life.
I've seen my mom go through two divorces,
which completely wrecked her.
She just joined a senior bowling league
to meet guys. That's the end of the line.
I'm sorry, Gwen. No wonder you're scared.
I'm not scared. I'm just realistic.
[knocking at door]
Leia, have you seen Gwen?
[mouthing] Get rid of him.
Uh She's definitely not here.
I don't know what's going on.
She just broke up with me out of nowhere.
Cole, she's just scared.
She doesn't wanna end up bowling
with old people. You get that, right?
Nope. Uh No, uh, look
If she's scared, I wish she just
would have told me that too
because I'm scared.
Things were moving pretty fast with us,
and I was mostly excited
because I I think she's worth it.
You do?
Are you about to chop me up
and put me in a suitcase?
[chuckles] It's not a horrible idea.
He'd be yours forever.
Leia, I got this.
Look, I panicked. Okay?
I really like you,
but the more I like you,
the more it's gonna suck
if it doesn't work out.
It's gonna suck even more if we don't try.
Dammit. Why do you have to be so hot?
So, are we still broken up or
No, you're my boyfriend. Keep up.
Good for you two.
Grandpa!
What?
I love love.
[rock riff plays]
Is that him?
That's the driver.
Hey!
I found a gift shop.
They even had gay balloons.
Where's Etienne?
He's not here.
You boys need a taxi?
We're good.
[rock music plays]
You ready to talk about why you chased
a 90-year-old woman down our driveway?
She's 81.
She just takes terrible care of her skin.
I am not proud of my behavior.
And I'm I'm glad I missed her
when I threw the basketball.
I just felt like I was stuck up here,
while all those women
were taking care of you downstairs.
Oh! [scoffs]
You don't have to be jealous
of those old bats.
You know, Elaine baked her Life Alert
into a lasagna.
Well, I guess I just
was afraid of being replaced.
Oh
You know, I have a tape measure
that I have kept for 60 years
because when I find something I like,
I stick to it.
But what about if it breaks?
Come on, Kitty.
You know you're the only gal for me.
[dreamy music plays]
Hey, Red.
Hello, Kitty Forman!
Hungry, baby?
[chuckles] I could eat.
["Be My Lover" by La Bouche playing]
What's for dinner?
Shake 'N Bake.
Ooh
Be my lover ♪
Wanna be my lover ♪
You wanna be my lover ♪
Wanna be my lover ♪
Go ahead and take your time, boy
You gotta feel secure ♪
What's for dessert?
Oh, you're bad!
Wanna be my lover ♪
Wanna be my lover ♪
[song fades out]
[gentle music plays]
You all right?
I just got dumped
on a bus station pay phone.
So I'm feeling great!
[sighs]
Sorry.
I just get like that when I'm sad.
Or mad.
Or happy.
You know, Etienne doesn't deserve you.
Yeah, he's gonna die alone in his igloo
or whatever they live in down there.
How could he just stop liking me?
It just hurts everywhere.
["In the Meantime" by Spacehog playing]
Man, do I know that feeling.
Dude.
It's gonna suck.
But you just have to find something
that helps you forget for a little bit.
I love us!
And in the end
We shall achieve in time ♪
The thing they call divine ♪
When all the stars will smile for me ♪
When all is well
And well is all for all ♪
And forever after ♪
Well, baby, in the meantime
Wait and see ♪
We love the all, the all of you ♪