That '90s Show (2023) s02e05 Episode Script

What Is Love

[rock riff plays]
So, we're just hanging out
like it's any normal day?
No one's got anything to say
about the hat?
[all hesitating]
Usually, in situations like this,
Ozzie says the thing we're all thinking.
And then we go,
"No, we weren't thinking that."
Well, I think I look cute, like Blossom.
Right, Jay?
Where's Ozzie?
We haven't seen him
since Etienne stood him up.
Oh, he must be heartbroken.
- Poor guy.
- Can you even imagine?
["Un-Break My Heart"
by Toni Braxton playing]
Un-break my heart ♪
Say you'll love me again ♪
Undo this hurt you caused
When you walked out the door ♪
And walked out of my life ♪
Un-cry these tears ♪
I cried so many nights ♪
Un-break my heart ♪
My heart ♪
[song fades out]
What's going on? Is there a gas leak?
Ozzie, you're okay!
I was until I saw your denim dick hat.
- No.
- We weren't thinking that!
What hat?
[theme music playing]
Hanging out down the street ♪
The same old thing we did last week ♪
Not a thing to do ♪
But talk to you ♪
We're all all right
We're all all right ♪
Hello, Wisconsin!
Ozzie, we missed you.
How are you holding up?
It was pretty bad at first,
but I wasn't about to sit around
and be a mopey loser
like these two were after their breakup.
Come on, I wasn't that bad.
Nobody called animal control
because of the sounds I made when I cry.
Yeah, and I started writing
all those letters to Mr. Bean
for other reasons.
Tonight's all about moving on.
We're going to a field party, people.
[chuckles] Hell yeah!
Cole's away, which is good
because he's not ready to meet
field-party Gwen.
She drinks a lot, she hates clothes,
and one time,
she tried to start her own government.
We gotta load up on supplies.
Cheap beer, cheaper beer
and if that runs out, I failed you.
By the way, Leia,
you are gonna love this party.
I mean, the two of us cuddling
near the campfire under the stars?
I have a feeling this is gonna be
a night we'll never forget.
A night we'll never forget?
What do you think that means?
[gasps] He's gonna propose!
No, that's crazy.
[laughs] He got me a puppy.
[gasps] A puppy with a ring on its tail.
Or he's gonna tell you he has herpes.
Either way, it's a big next step
in our relationship.
[rock music playing]
Thanks for agreeing
to teach Leia how to drive.
You know,
it just makes me feel so nostalgic.
Wasn't it just yesterday
she was a baby with a tiny tushy
that I used to pinch and pinch?
Until Donna had a talk with me.
Are you sure Red's okay with this?
Yes, he is because he doesn't know.
Now, here. I mapped out
the safest route for you to take.
There's not a billboard in sight.
Leia likes to read every single one.
It's so annoying.
We agreed to one meal a day,
and you already blew that on breakfast.
- Bob is just here admiring my chili.
- [Red] Hm.
Kitty asked me
to take Leia for driving lessons.
I know, but he looks so funny
when he's mad.
Kitty, you're putting Leia's life
in his hands?
He got trapped in his own lawn chair.
I was trying
to get a pebble out of my sandal,
and then all hell broke loose.
Red, I know you wanted to teach her,
but you are kind of an angry driver.
Last week, you threw a cup of coffee
at that funeral procession.
The roads are for the living.
All right, look.
I'm her grandpa, this is my job.
I'm her grandpa too! Midge swore to me.
So get used to it, Red. I'm teaching her.
The hell you are.
Okay, let's Let's calm down.
I just think
that everybody is a little hungry.
[rock music plays]
Please lower your expectations about Jay.
I am.
What if he carves
our initials into a tree,
and then every year
we come back to visit the spot,
until one year we find
the tree has been cut down?
Decades pass, we're in a lumberyard.
We find a piece of wood
with the carving on it.
Jay buys it
and turns it into a cutting board,
and then we use it to make a salad.
Okay, Leia, let's remember
Jay comes from a long line of Kelsos.
I heard there was one on the Mayflower,
and the whole boat showed up pregnant.
I know, but he's different with me.
I've de-Kelso'd him.
Now, he walks right by
the Susan B. Anthony statue in the library
without honking her boobs.
[rock riff plays]
Let's go, kiddo! Time for driving lessons.
This is really bad timing.
Gwen and I are going
Hey! You're trying to make off
with my granddaughter
while I'm taking a sauna?
It's not a sauna, Bob.
You just put
a space heater in your closet.
He's stealing Leia!
Now? It's happening now?
Oh! I've got the chills.
I haven't felt this way
since potty training.
I'm gonna get my camera.
Can't this happen
literally any other time?
Can it, Gwen!
Leia, car.
Tell Jay I'll get there as soon as I can,
and that my heart is open
and ready to receive him.
Mm I'm not saying that.
If you're going, I'm going.
How long were you in that sauna?
Your arm feels like a wet dog.
I get that a lot.
I am just gonna sit back here quietly.
You won't even know I'm here.
Okay, start her up.
- [engine starts]
- [Kitty] Cheese!
- [camera clicks]
- Grandma!
Just making sure the camera works.
[rock music plays]
All right. There's gonna be
a lot of drinking tonight.
So let's be safe and responsible
and make smart decisions.
[distant keys jangle]
Now we're gonna have to walk home again.
I don't know what your plan's for tonight,
but I don't want to end up comforting Leia
when you crush her soul.
You don't have to worry.
I'm planning on telling her I love her.
Dude. I'm so excited for you.
God, I remember that feeling
when you first said it to me.
I was floatin'.
I know you too well. So if you're
really gonna say that to Leia,
it better not be a line just to get laid.
It's not a line, okay?
It's how I really feel.
I was going to tell her last week,
but with all the humidity,
my hair was wack.
[rock music plays]
Leia, driving is a big responsibility.
This isn't just a car.
This is a three-ton killing machine.
One small mistake,
and the inside of this car
becomes a human blender,
and we all swap rectums.
Nice and easy.
And if you want to eat a sandwich,
you just steer with your knees.
Guess what you honk with.
Honey, don't guess.
Reach for the radio knob? Dead.
Thinking about playing grab-ass
with your boyfriend? Dead.
Sneeze? Not your fault. Dead.
I like to think of the steering wheel
as an antipasto tray.
You want to have your hands
on the gabagool and the prozhoot.
What are these words?
Forty-one thousand people died last year
doing what you're doing right now.
Grandpa, too sad.
It's like a thinly sliced Italian ham.
Bob. This isn't a deli lesson!
- I like to keep it fun.
- Dead!
- What did I do?
- Nothing.
I just wish he was dead.
[rock riff plays]
What did you just say to me?
I'm gonna kick his ass.
Uh, how many of those have you had?
Pshh! You don't have to go
all party mom on me.
I'm pregaming with this punch.
It's not that strong.
Dude, they used a cup of that
to start the campfire.
Now he's pretending to be asleep
like a little bitch.
Let's dance.
Don't take off your jacket.
You'll get cold.
Damn. I am the party mom.
[rock riff plays]
[chuckles] Oh, Nik, you look good.
Ozzie was right.
Tonight's about moving on.
So I'm gonna go talk to some guys
and get some numbers.
Yeah, totally.
I was gonna get some guys' numbers too.
But they're gonna be girls.
You wanna make this interesting?
Most numbers wins.
- Wins what?
- I don't know.
Pizza Hut coupon?
It's that serious?
You're going down.
'Cause I have a secret weapon.
Just walk up to a chick and say,
"My uncle just died,"
and then they're hooked.
- There is no way that works.
- Worked on you.
Oh my God,
there was never an Uncle Ronnie?
Whose grave did we visit?
The closest "Ronnie" to the parking lot.
Ah, sorry, bro, this seat's saved.
For me?
Stacy. [chuckles] What are you doing here?
I can't believe you saved me a spot
right where we had our first kiss.
- Do you remember that night?
- I haven't thought about it in a while.
I think about it all the time too.
I mean, it was such a whirlwind.
We'd just met. But when you said,
"I love you," I fell hard and permanently.
Oh, yeah.
I did say that.
- But you know, I didn't
- Think we'd ever see each other again?
It's like we both swallowed magnets,
and we're being pulled back together.
- For real, I have a girlfriend.
- And I have a boyfriend. And it's you!
[breathes deeply]
[rock riff plays]
Ooh, billboard! "Lakefront Furniture.
It's where you buy home."
You don't have to
read them out loud, you know.
Remember, before you could talk,
I would make you say things like,
"I love Grandma's blueberry muffins."
- Um this is my first time on the highway.
- Oh, that's right.
- [gasps]
- [horn honks]
- [tires squeal]
- Hands on the wheel!
Gabagool! Gabagool!
[brakes screech]
[in baby voice] That was scawy.
[rock riff plays]
It's been really tough
since Uncle Ronnie died.
He fell into a volcano.
That's horrible. Where was he?
There's no volcanoes in Detroit.
My dad's a volcanologist, you dumbass!
No way. Wait! Can I have his number?
[rock riff plays]
Thanks. I haven't done this in a while.
You have terrible handwriting.
Chisel Stevonagin?
Oh, hi, I'm Nikki. Can I have
You don't need any more informat Okay.
[rock riff plays]
Uncle Ronnie was out hiking, and
next thing you know,
he was ripped apart by a pack of snakes.
Uh, snakes are primarily solitary hunters.
Weird lie, dude.
Why are all the girls here so smart?
[rock riff plays]
That'll be all.
I am so wasted.
He's wasted.
Does that look like the garbage?
[rock riff plays]
How's it going with the numbers?
I got a five, a one, and a seven.
That's not enough numbers.
Hey, I'm having a bad night too.
Remember how I used to say "I love you"
to get girls to sleep with me?
Well, they remember too.
It's like my past
has come back to haunt me.
- [sighs]
- I used to have a ghost that haunted me.
He would stand over my bed whispering
to me that my nipples were on backwards.
[stifling laughter]
Dude, that was me.
Why was I such a bad person?
- Hey, Jay. It's been a while.
- Oh no.
Do not lie to her about volcanoes.
Back off. He's mine.
Uh, I don't think so.
When we hooked up, he told me he loved me.
Stacy, Amy.
You two actually have a lot in common.
Why fight over that choice cut of meat
when this charming bratwurst
is looking for a bun?
- Ew.
- What?
[chuckles] I realize that that sounded
like I was saying "your vaginas," but
I meant it sweet.
[rock music plays]
Bob give me back those keys!
Are you gonna apologize
for running over my foot?
I am not going to apologize
for something I did on purpose.
I am so sorry
about your grandpas' behavior.
All that arguing was so distracting.
Well, what about when you hugged her,
and we did a half a mile
in a pumpkin patch?
[gasps] Remember that pumpkin costume
I made for your fourth grade harvest play?
Oh! Let's go see if it still fits.
Okay, let's speed this up.
I know you all love me,
and it was fun learning all those new
swear words, Grandma.
But this isn't a competition.
There's enough of me to go around,
and I will try to give each of you
an equal slice of amazing.
You're right, kiddo.
I got a little carried away.
And I got even more carried away than him.
Cool. Grandma,
can I talk to you outside for a second?
Between you and me, Jay has
something special planned for tonight
at the most romantic party ever,
and I need a ride there before it ends.
Well, I'm gonna need a picture of you
in that pumpkin costume,
whether it fits or not.
We are getting you in there.
I told your parents to have more kids,
and they didn't,
so this is what we're working with.
[rock riff plays]
Why am I dressed like Nate?
When you came out of the lake
from skinny-dipping,
you picked up the first clothes you saw.
I went skinny-dipping?
There are people from my math class here.
Etienne must have really messed you up
'cause this isn't like you.
It's not just that I lost a boyfriend. I
I lost the only other gay person
in my life who I could talk to.
- What about the guy at the ice-cream shop?
- I was wrong.
He just holds the cones weird.
You don't realize how lucky you are.
You could throw a rock
and hit a dozen straight people,
but I'm all by my myself
in this stupid town.
Ow! Are you kidding me?
I'm sorry. I've never tried
to throw something before.
I didn't know I was that good at it.
Jocky guy throws a rock at the lesbian.
How original.
There's been a grave misunderstanding.
I'm gay too.
No way.
All right, if you're doing okay,
Mama's gonna take her top off
and try the rope swing.
This is awesome.
I'll have to introduce you to everyone.
How many of us are there?
Well, with you there's three.
- Three?!
- Yeah.
You, me, and Jimmy
from the ice cream shop.
I knew it.
[rock music playing]
We shouldn't be arguing over who gets
special moments with our granddaughter.
Absolutely. I'm glad we found
a mature way to settle this.
I get to take her to
Oh Oboe recital.
That's the worst one.
You can't tell if they're good or bad.
Walk her down the aisle at her wedding.
Suck it, Bob.
Pick great-grandkid's middle name.
That's easy.
And what if it's a girl?
My fault for asking.
[rock riff plays]
- How'd you do?
- Decent.
Hey, you got a number.
I wrote it myself.
It's my mom's work.
She said never ever call it.
- I'm sure you cleaned up.
- Most of these guys are idiots.
And surprisingly, way sweatier than you.
[chuckling] I told you
I was in the normal range.
Oh my God,
is this the Christopher Walken shirt?
[both laugh]
Were we ever interrupted
when we were getting it on in there?
No. You know why?
When I hung that in the window,
people knew.
[imitating Walken] When you see
the Walken, you don't come a-knockin'.
You're such a weirdo.
Yeah. A total freak.
- [both chuckling]
- [rock riff plays]
- [rustling]
- [sighs]
Please be a local pervert.
Hey, handsome.
This is such a romantic spot.
Stacy. Uh, look,
when I said "I love you," it
It's okay. Love is scary.
Now, let's make a baby. [laughs]
What the hell, Jay? I'm gonna murder you!
- You'll have to get through me first.
- You're adorable.
[Jay] Ow!
Go easy on him.
He's meeting my mother this weekend.
[rock riff plays]
Well, now I know why
on the first day of school,
everyone shows up at the nurse's office
with the same rash.
Grandma, I'm gonna go find Jay.
Um, why don't you get some punch?
Oh! I love punch.
[rock riff plays]
What are the chances your friend Gwen
will go through an experimental phase?
Ozzie, have you seen Jay?
Don't care. With my gay posse.
- Come on, Gwen, it's not what you think.
- Uh-huh.
Perfect timing.
I found this piece of shit in the woods
cheating on you with this rando.
That's not what happened.
I'm not a rando. We're in love.
Thanks, Jay. This night's turning out
to be so romantic.
No, Leia, you don't get it.
I said "I love you" to a bunch of chicks,
but it didn't mean anything.
I'd just say it to get what I wanted,
or to get out of trouble.
I love you?
I love you.
[high-pitched] Love you.
Jay Kelso?
You told me you died!
[soft rock riff plays and fades]
Probably shouldn't have done that.
What, all the sex?
Punch had a little kick.
[rock music plays]
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