That '90s Show (2023) s02e06 Episode Script

1
[rock riff plays]
My head is pounding.
This hangover's killing me.
The field party was three days ago.
Sorry I know how to party, Gwen.
That field party ruined both of our lives.
Things are so weird with Leia.
I'm not built to last this long
without the attention of a lady.
Bro, buy a Playboy.
Hey, guys, and et cetera.
Please, look at me, Leia.
I I get that you're mad.
All right? I wish I hadn't told
so many other girls I love them,
but back then I was throwing it around
loosey-goosey like I was feeding ducks.
And then you banged all those ducks.
Those ducks are people.
And how am I supposed to know you mean it
with me when you've said it so many times?
Shh. Your voice.
I can't take your voice right now.
All right, we gotta get going.
We're meeting Nikki at the mall.
And I get to spend time
with the last two girls in the world
you haven't said "I love you" to.
Come on!
Nikki gave me the last
Cheddar Bay biscuit at Red Lobster.
In the moment, I meant it!
[sighs]
Women, right?
I can't be this for you.
Where the hell is Nate when I need him?
No one can know about this.
Yes. That was the last time.
Definitely.
One for the road?
Waiting on you, cowboy.
[both gasp]
[Nate panting]
How are you so out of breath?
- I did all the work.
- It's from cheering you on.
Nik, I can't.
[both exhale]
- Who are we kidding?
- We're so good at it.
[theme music playing]
Hanging out down the street ♪
The same old thing we did last week ♪
Not a thing to do ♪
But talk to you ♪
We're all all right
We're all all right ♪
Hello, Wisconsin!
Oh. Hey, is Gwen over here?
The credit card company keeps calling,
and I need someone who can do
a British accent to tell them I died.
You know,
you don't have to tell me everything.
Better yet, don't tell me anything.
We're headed to the mall.
- Love you, Grandpa.
- Bye, sweetie.
I took 20 bucks from your purse,
and I'll be home before tomorrow.
You let her talk to you like that?
Oh, it's fine. She's just like me
when I was her age.
Independent, rebellious,
banned from Wrigley Field.
Yes, I will be right there.
I am so excited.
Okay, you know how my ankle
has still been bothering me?
Well, my friend, what's-her-name,
got me an appointment with the guy
who helped fix her whatever-it-was.
Good for her for getting that figured out.
What kind of doctor is this?
Well, he's not really a doctor.
He's a medicologist.
Which I actually think
is better than a doctor.
Sounds like a quack.
He has a business card, Red.
And so does Bob.
And his says
"International Bikini Inspector."
If people pay you to do it, it's a job.
[rock music plays]
I bet Jay would say he loved this one.
[mockingly] I love this one.
And I love this one.
[genuinely] Ooh.
I actually do love this one.
Hey, there you guys are.
What happened to you? We waited
for half an hour by the fountain.
The fountain?
Oh, I thought we said "a mountain."
I was at the state park.
Forty bucks for a miracle bra?
Are you kidding me?
You know they paid some kid overseas
30 cents to make this.
Classic patriarchal pink tax BS.
What could possibly justify this price?
I'm a woman now.
It really does work miracles.
I think I just got dumber,
and I don't mind.
I wish I had 40 bucks,
but I spent all my holiday money
on a label maker.
We could always forget
to take them off and walk out of here.
We are not shoplifting.
[dance music playing]
[music stops]
- What do you think you're doing?
- Looking amazing?
Run!
[rock music plays]
I really screwed things up with Leia.
How can I trick her
into trusting me again?
Have you considered not tricking her?
Don't screw around. This is serious.
We need a great idea.
[rock riff plays]
What if I made a clone of myself?
Leia could love him,
since he's never done anything wrong.
But how will she know
that the clone's not me?
Wig.
I'll get her a wig.
I got a secret.
It's a sexy secret.
I'm interested in your clone.
Not for weird stuff.
I just want a square dance partner,
and I'm afraid to ask a non-clone.
I do want you to learn
how to square dance.
That is important to me.
So you can have my clone.
Now I'm back to nothing.
The Back to the Future car.
Where are we on that plutonium?
The guy never called me back.
Even if he did, I [chuckles]
I'm never telling my secret. [chuckles]
What am I supposed to do, guys?
Find every girl
I've ever lied to and apologize,
so Leia knows
that I've really changed? [scoffs]
Where are you getting that from?
That was a smart and normal thought.
I thought you said it.
[laughing] It's sex. I'm doing sex.
[rock music plays]
Hello?
I'm not in my body right now.
I'm back.
I was visiting you as a child.
You really grew into those teeth.
Kiefer. Kiefer Lee Roth.
Please, sit.
So, um, um I am having
some trouble with my ankle.
Uh, ankle. Ankle.
But, uh, that's not the problem.
Let's find your real pain.
I need to scan you.
- Will it hurt?
- Like you're being burned alive.
But you won't feel it. [chuckles]
Mother was distant, wasn't she?
- Oh, how did you know?
- Shut up!
[exclaims]
Our chakras are on the same energy plane.
- Do you feel that?
- I do.
- No, you don't.
- I don't.
Yet. But I'm going to rock your chakras.
[rock music plays]
- Thanks, Bryson. I got it from here.
- Yeah, thanks, Bryson.
For protecting the bras of America.
Okay. Before we get started,
I just have to ask you one question.
- Are your parents important in this town?
- What?
I brought the mayor's son in here
for smoking in the bathroom,
and they stopped picking up my trash.
My mom's sort of famous.
She's the lady who ran onto the field
and tackled Sammy Sosa.
All righty.
Whoa.
That's my old prescription.
[clears throat]
- I just need your name to get started.
- Janet.
Ms. Jackson, if you're nasty.
Listen, kid, if you lie to me
on this form,
I'm gonna have to walk down the hall
and get another form.
Which means
I'm gonna have to talk to Angela.
Angela is my ex-wife.
Okay. You and your friend Bryson
have done a great job,
but I'm gonna wait
until the real cops come.
Bryson is not my friend.
And I'm not calling the real cops,
because there were three of you.
Yet you were the only one
my homeboy brought in here.
Yeah. So?
Oh, damn. There I was,
behaving like any teenager,
but I forgot I had to be
the Black teenager.
Mm-hmm. It's, uh
It's exhausting having to run things
through the racism filter, isn't it?
Yeah. I forgot to because this time
I was actually stealing something.
[chuckles] I appreciate the confession.
Oh, you're good.
[rock riff plays]
Okay, you stay over there.
I'll stay over here.
And we're gonna have
a real conversation about this.
Yeah. What are we doing?
We don't want to get back together.
Definitely not. No, it's
It's just easy, and it's comfortable,
and it's fun, and it means nothing.
- We're officially never doing that again.
- Perfect.
Whoa.
Bigger.
Oh yeah, I went shopping today.
Yeah, never is a strong word.
- Oh by the way, I think Gwen got arrested.
- Gwen who?
[rock music plays]
[muttering indistinctly]
Kitty!
What is that?
Oh, this is my medicologist.
He's here to help cleanse the house.
Kiefer Lee Roth.
So, I just
I just threw away the mayonnaise.
Kiefer said
it's a breeding ground for fear.
We're the only species to eat mayo,
and that's why we can't fly.
- Where the hell are your shoes?
- Oh, you mean foot prisons?
They were holding me back.
Like my, uh, toothbrush,
and my my young family.
Would you like some olive oil?
[sighs]
Lubricates your bowels
so you can release your toxins.
I like my toxins.
[scoffs] Hmm.
I'm sensing a lot of clenched energy.
When was the last time
you just, uh, sang for yourself?
When's the last time
you had a foot up your ass?
Last Thursday.
Hey, uh, where's your nearest restroom?
My toxins are callin'.
It's just It's just inside there.
Oh, that's too close.
Uh, I'll go upstairs.
Kitty.
When you wanted
to sell Amway, I said sure.
And when you thought
your mom came back as a crow,
I fed it seeds and a cup of Sanka.
But this
This is a bridge too far.
I know it all sounds a little whack-a-doo,
but I'm telling you,
Kiefer is a genius in his own right.
That was crazy.
Hey, do you guys mind
if I cry in your bed for a while?
[rock music plays]
I know you took my lunch, Angela!
Tuna sandwiches don't just walk away!
[sighs]
God, she sucks.
Yeah, you're the one having a bad day.
Look, I know this isn't fun,
but this isn't gonna be
the last time you're singled out.
I mean, how many times have you had
your hair touched by a stranger,
or been told you don't need sunscreen,
or been asked for your autograph because
someone thinks you're Scary Spice?
Moesha.
- It's always Moesha.
- [scoffs]
Moesha. I should have got that.
Well, I can guarantee you
that you will not be profiled here again.
- Smile.
- [camera clicks, whirs]
You are banned for a year.
Company policy. You understand.
She was framed.
This is all inadmissible.
I'll put the system on trial.
You called my mom?
Company policy. You understand.
She's free to go.
- Thanks, Officer Cutie.
- Mom!
Should I get bangs again?
[rock music plays]
Again, I'm so sorry for my past behavior.
Thanks for being so cool about this.
For your troubles.
At least that one
didn't kick you in the nads.
I'd rather they go for the nads.
This face is my ticket out of this town.
- [knocking on door]
- [sighs]
Next one's here.
Oh, please, please be an easy one.
Or at least one
that's not wearing any rings.
Jay! I got your message.
I'm so excited.
Did your girlfriend die?
Oh. Hey, Stacy.
Nice rings.
They're mood rings.
They're all different colors.
Isn't that weird?
No, that tracks.
Look, Stacy.
I think you have the wrong idea,
and that's entirely my fault, okay?
I should have never led you on,
and I'm sorry.
I hate it when we fight like this.
I don't think that's what's going on here.
You calling me a liar?
No, ma'am.
I don't know how to make this
any clearer for you,
but Leia is my girlfriend, okay?
She's the only one I want.
Okay, I get it.
[singsong] I don't like it.
[tearfully] But I get it.
- Thanks for being so cool about this.
- Jay, it's over! Stop being so clingy!
Never mind, officer. She left.
[rock music plays]
I'm so glad you're okay.
I thought you were gonna go to jail,
and I was gonna commit a crime
to join you.
Leia, I'm fine.
Can we talk about anything but this?
Okay. Um
- Well, I'm still really upset with Jay.
- Or that.
I can't believe
that guy was so hard on you.
Back in my day, you could get
out of trouble with a flirt and a flash.
But, apparently,
that's against the law now too.
See, Leia? Everything's fine.
I got a cool mom.
What does that mean?
You should be thanking me.
When I got caught shoplifting,
Grandma made me sleep in a canoe.
I woke up in the next town.
You're lucky you got a mom who gets you.
You don't get anything.
We were all leaving the store.
Why do you think
I was the only one who got caught?
[scoffs softly]
Forget it.
I don't know, honey.
My money would have been on the virgin.
- Gwen told you?
- You can tell from a mile away, kid.
[rock music plays]
Good morning, Kiefer.
What's going on? Are you moving?
Yeah, uh I'm, uh
I'm moving.
Yeah, to a different location
with better auras and all that crap.
Well, how exciting!
- Yeah, yeah.
- And Red thought you were a quack.
A quack? Me? Ha!
Kitty, I have
a pretty bad cocaine problem.
I do a lot of cocaine.
And when I can't find it,
I do other stuff.
Worse stuff.
Stuff that I buy from a lion tamer.
[exhales deeply]
I hope this doesn't change
anything between us.
It changes a lot!
Usually does, yeah. Okay, quick question.
Do you have any cocaine?
No.
I've never even been to Miami.
How about 1,000 dollars?
Do you have 1,000 American dollars?
I can't believe you are a fraud.
I am so disappointed.
Kitty, I don't have time to talk about
who is a fake healer and who isn't.
I owe some very bad people a lot of money.
Will you run away with me?
No, I will not!
And this
This belongs in a pasta salad.
Oh.
Hey! Hey! Do you want to buy a boombox?
Only ten American dollars!
[rock riff plays]
Where's the mayonnaise?
Leia your grandma
is going through something.
And she will either come to her senses,
or this is the beginning of the end.
I messed up, Red.
And there we go.
Kiefer is not a healer.
He's a fraud.
That's why my mom pooped on my windshield.
She was trying to warn me.
Go ahead. Tell me I'm stupid.
Don't beat yourself up.
We all make mistakes.
You remember when I lost my wedding ring,
and we had to get it replaced?
- No.
- Well, another mistake!
[chuckles]
Ah, come here.
It's gonna be okay.
Wait, so, you really messed up,
but you didn't get mad,
question your entire relationship,
or steal a bra?
No, I'm not mad at all.
I gave Kiefer 700 dollars
to cleanse our house.
Not mad at all.
[rock riff plays]
I am so sorry, Mrs. Purdy.
I had no idea
that Vanessa was lost at sea.
I'll pray for her.
[phone beeps]
Count it!
- Hi, Jay.
- I think we're about to die.
- What are you doing back here?
- I couldn't give up on us.
I know what you want, and I can be her.
Look at me. I dress like this,
and I talk like this,
and I'm Jay's girlfriend.
She does sound like her!
- What the hell's going on here?
- What the hell's going on here?
Back off.
Ooh Don't talk to her like that.
Jay, I came down here to forgive you,
but obviously you're not thinking about me
as much as I was thinking about you.
Leia, sit down.
Jay has been killing himself
trying to show you he's changed.
He apologized to every girl
he ever lied to.
He's been slapped, kicked, spit on,
and we are moments away
from this girl wearing his skin!
And you know why he's doing all that?
Because he's crazy about you.
Leia.
I understand it's gonna take some time
for you to start trusting me again,
but I'm gonna do whatever it takes,
because I really do love you.
Aw, baby!
Stay out of my moment!
This didn't go exactly
how I always pictured it,
the first or second time,
but I don't care, because I love you too.
I guess it is time for me to move on.
Hey, you.
Babe, you gotta get better at this.
[soft rock riff plays]
Oh, good.
You finally came out of your room.
I knew you couldn't resist
the smell of my hot dog soup.
Listen, honey, I don't know
if you know this,
because I do a really good job
of keeping it from you, but
I don't always know what I'm doing.
[sarcastically] No way.
Come on, it'd help me
if you told me what I'm doing wrong.
It's not that you're wrong,
it's just that you're so white.
Like, really, really white.
You never met your great-grandma.
When she laid down in the snow, gone.
Sometimes, when you talk about
how alike we are,
it feels like you're ignoring
that I'm Black, and that sucks for me.
Oh no, that's the last thing
I'm trying to do, honey.
I I'm so sorry.
It's okay. I'm not mad at you,
but I am mad.
I'm so mad, like, all the time! I'm mad
when it happens and I don't expect it.
I'm mad when I do expect it
and nothing happens!
I get it. That I don't get it.
So
did we fix this?
Racism?
Us.
- I feel better we're talking about it.
- Okay.
You can always talk to me
about anything, whether I get it or not.
Dude.
Nik? What are you doing in my house?
We broke up!
[rock music plays]