That '90s Show (2023) s02e07 Episode Script


[rock riff plays]
I can't stop thinking about you.
Even though we're together right now,
I miss you.
I know. Since we told each other
how we really feel, it's been so intense.
Leia, I wanna wash your hair.
I wanna wash yours.
But mainly 'cause it's a little greasy.
Actually, I've been thinking
We love each other,
and we've been together for over a year.
And I think I'm ready
to take things to the next level.
Please forget I did
that thing with my hand.
Are you sure? I don't want you
to feel like we're rushing into this.
According to the dream I had last night,
I don't feel that way.
It was pretty graphic.
And in German.
My tutor would be so proud.
I had a dream too, but it was dumb,
so let's talk about
what you're talking about.
I love you,
and I'm ready to go all the way.
[Red] What?
What did you just say?
I mean, go all the way
to Green Bay on our bikes.
They just got a Quiznos.
Leia, it's okay.
I think your grandfather
would respect our honesty.
Mr. Forman,
I love your granddaughter deeply,
and when two people
feel this way about each other,
the next natural step
is the act of making love.
- What?
- Take me to the hospital.
[theme music playing]
Hanging out down the street ♪
The same old thing we did last week ♪
Not a thing to do ♪
But talk to you ♪
We're all all right
We're all all right ♪
Hello, Wisconsin!
I'm telling you,
it's textbook Stockholm syndrome.
That girl was held captive and fed lies.
Don't ruin Beauty and the Beast for me.
Plus, you're ignoring the fact
that the Beast was hot.
And frankly, so was the candle.
Don't overreact
to what I'm about to tell you,
but I need you two to go to the drugstore.
I can't, because my mom's the pharmacist
Wait, your mom's a pharmacist,
and your dad's a doctor?
You're paying for everything from now on.
Fine, but that's not
Does she get to decide
what color the pills are?
Whatever. I need you guys
to buy me a pregnancy test.
You're pregnant?
[quietly] You all said I was paranoid,
but I knew she lived in the kitchen.
Look, I don't know, Mrs. Forman,
but my period is late, and I'm panicking.
- I mean, how could this have happened?
- Oh, sweetie, I think you know.
- Have you talked to your parents?
- No.
I don't want them getting upset
before I know anything for sure.
I mean, you should've seen
the way Nate reacted
I missed my period.
Women. [chuckles softly]
You always complain about it,
and now you miss it.
No, I think I'm pregnant.
Pregnant with what?
A baby? [scoffs]
[rock riff plays]
The melting popsicle woke him up.
Why isn't he here with you right now?
Is he just sitting this one out? Hell no.
Let's not overreact.
Maybe he just skipped town,
never to be seen again.
Oh, wait, that's probably
what you're worried about.
I'm gonna bring his ass over here.
I know we're all thinking about
how wonderful your baby would smell.
But we should focus. How late are you?
Almost two weeks.
And I am never late. Not for school,
choir, fencing, tennis, yearbook
Now you can join the Teen Moms Club.
Honey, just take a breath.
Let's get you that pregnancy test.
I have a few upstairs.
In her high school days,
my daughter Laurie was also very social.
[rock riff plays]
So this is where you're hiding?
Gwen. I'm about to tell you something
that'll blow your mind.
Nikki might be pregnant?
Whoa. Is this one of those
brother-sister connections,
where you can read my mind?
- What am I thinking about right now?
- Nikki might be pregnant.
[quietly] No way.
She told me what happened,
and now she's freaking out.
Look, I know I messed up,
but I'm gonna do the right thing.
That's why I'm in here. I was gonna
steal one of your rings to propose.
- Propose?
- Yeah.
Are you stupid?
No, I've got it all planned out.
I'm gonna drop out of high school
and start mowing lawns,
so I can make enough money to buy a boat,
so I can become a fisherman,
and make enough to buy a lottery ticket
for every combination of numbers,
so I'm guaranteed to win.
Nikki will be taken care of,
and then I can return to my first love.
Mowing lawns.
- There's only one problem
- One problem?
I've gotten my finger stuck
in so many things, but this is the worst.
I wanted to see what it would look like
on the hand of someone I love.
I said, "Yes."
- [chuckles]
- [rock music plays]
That was so scary. Are you okay?
Oh, I feel fine.
The doctor said
I just had some palpitations
from the disappointment
of seeing you ruin your life.
I appreciate the concern, Mr. Forman,
but she's not gonna ruin my life.
I wasn't speaking to you.
I am never speaking to you.
I'm gonna call Grandma
and tell her we're at the hospital.
No, no, no.
Don't worry her.
She'll just take away my salt.
I'm just waiting for some test results,
and then we'll be on our way.
And until then I won't leave your side.
- We're family now.
- Let's go hang out in the waiting room.
When you were being sweet back there,
that was so sexy.
Oh [chuckles]
I wasn't trying to be sexy.
I was trying to be nice to your grandpa.
Oh my God, stop.
- Not interested.
- Ah. Smart.
You shouldn't take candy
from a strange man without pants.
- I'm Bruce.
- Bye-bye, Bruce.
These lollipops Man, they are a godsend.
You know, I was really antsy
after I quit smoking ten minutes ago.
My doctor says
if I have one more cigarette,
I'm at risk of having a good time.
No [chuckles]
I'm just kidding.
He said I'd die.
Sounds like you have
a lot to quietly think about.
- What are you in for?
- Hey.
Let's see. Heart palpitations
and mad cow disease?
I'm just joking. [laughs]
But that would be
a crazy way to find out, wouldn't it?
- Now you share.
- Look, I don't wanna talk.
I don't want to share.
And quit shifting around in your bed.
I can see where they shaved you.
Oh no, no, no, no.
That's not them. That's all me.
And the key is
place your mirror on the floor.
[rock riff plays]
My favorite character is that teapot.
The clock does all the talking,
but you know she runs the show.
Okay, but question.
If she was such a good mother,
why was Chip chipped?
You don't know her life.
It's positive.
Why am I so good at taking tests?
Oh, sweetie, it'll be okay.
If you want,
I can help you talk to your parents.
Oh no, my parents.
If I actually have this baby,
what happens to my life?
I'm supposed to go to Northwestern.
Without a baby!
My parents are way into it.
They wake me up every morning singing
the fight song. It is bad, you guys.
My mom wakes up after me.
She's depressed.
One problem at a time, honey.
I had everything all planned out,
and now it's all blowing up.
Well, sometimes in the midst of a crisis,
we we tend to open the umbrella of fear.
- And
- Hang on.
Thank you. I didn't know
where I was going with that.
This is a hard turd to polish.
I think this test is expired.
There's a picture of a pregnant lady
smoking on the box.
Wait, so this could be a false positive.
- How do we know for sure?
- We could all take one?
That's the clincher.
Well, that felt unnecessary.
[rock music playing]
What are you doing?
I'm licking the butter paper.
Everybody does it.
Nobody does it.
Well, they're missing out. [chuckles]
I love butter.
Butter! [chuckles]
I love butter. [chuckles]
Okay, I'm gonna pull your finger.
Do not fart.
Here's the thing, Gwen.
I'm always farting a little bit.
Okay, get ready.
Three, two, one
[rock riff plays]
This is such a bummer.
Everywhere you look,
it's the wrong kind of naked.
We can still have fun.
If ER has taught me anything,
it's that hospitals can be sexy.
Yeah, people are hooking up
all over the place.
Exactly. Let's go in here.
You want to do it in a closet?
No, I'm not losing my virginity
in a hospital.
That's gross.
But I will do hand stuff.
That's my favorite kind of stuff.
That's so cool. Just like on TV.
What about here?
Good for them.
Yeah, they were cute.
Yeah, professionally, I've watched
a whole lot of animals give birth.
And when they come out
of their mama's baby chute,
they're ready to fight.
Not human babies.
The only thing they come out ready to do
is pee in their own face.
And that's where the coddling begins.
Everything they do
is special and wonderful.
It's that Mister Rogers.
He's high as a kite.
Look at us!
Finding common ground.
What say we go outside,
you have a cigarette,
and blow it in my mouth?
[chuckling] Just Just have one already.
You haven't stopped complaining
for an hour.
You're like my son at a football game.
I I can't have one.
There's still so many things
I haven't done.
Like be quiet for ten minutes? Ha!
When I get out of here,
I'm gonna do all the things
I've always wanted to do.
Have a cigarette in the Grand Canyon,
have one on the top of Mount Everest,
have one in my mom's dining room,
'cause screw that rule.
No, when it's time for me to clock out,
I'm not leaving anything on the table.
You're right.
We're the greatest generation,
and we don't just talk about it.
We act.
I'm 47.
How much did you smoke?
[rock music playing]
We're gonna melt it off.
Gold melts faster than flesh.
Trust me. This worked on DuckTales.
- Dude.
- [sighs]
I'm all over the place, Gwen.
[sighs] I can't believe this is happening.
I can't believe I'm the loser
who ruined Nikki's life.
Here's the thing, Nate
You are a loser.
Gwen, I'm scared.
So is Nikki.
You're right. What am I doing over here?
- One, two, three!
- [yelps]
- You did it!
- Did it hurt?
Not too bad.
I'm passing out. [chuckling sigh]
[rock music playing]
I'm just having the worst day.
Okay, second-worst day.
All I wanna do
is spend time with my boyfriend,
but the universe is keeping us apart,
like Romeo and Juliet.
- ["I'm Kissing You" by Des'ree playing]
- My soul cried ♪
Heaving heart ♪
Is full of pain ♪
Oh ♪
Oh ♪
The aching ♪
[mouthing] It's pooping.
'Cause I'm ♪
Kissing you, oh ♪
[music distorts and stops]
Get your crap. We're going home.
[rock music playing]
This is the longest
five minutes of my life.
It's taking longer
than the actual sex did.
Okay, hang in there.
The timer's gonna go off any second.
Nik, I'm here.
Finally, you selfish jerk.
Where were you when I was pregnant?
Nice of you to show up.
I'm sorry. I know I should have been here.
I was trying to figure out
how to do the right thing,
but now I know the right thing is
just to be here with you.
I'm glad you made it.
[timer dings]
Sorry. Sorry.
That one's for my cookies
in the oven. I just
I figured whatever happens here,
we'll probably want a treat.
[timer dings]
Oh. And that one's to remind me
to take the cookies out.
Do I know myself or what?
[timer dings]
What are you staring at me for?
That's the real timer.
For the the bun in your oven.
When you are able to laugh again,
that was very funny.
Whatever it is, we'll do it together.
It's negative.
[exclaiming excitedly]
- Hey! Ho! Ha! Hey!
- Oh!
[both] Whoo-ooh-ooh-ooh!
Did they plan this?
If they knew how to plan things
wouldn't be in this situation.
[rock music plays]
Back already?
Yeah, I just thought
I might have left my keys here.
Hey. What happened to Bruce?
He's gone.
Well, he was just here.
We were talking.
Well, he was talking.
Just like that, huh?
If I look like a guy who just smoked
a cigarette, it's because I did.
Hey, what are you doing back here,
Wait a minute. Were you about to cry?
Yeah, the pain in my ass just came back.
You thought I was dead, sucker!
You're a hoot.
What's your name, pal?
I'm gonna look you up.
I'd like that.
Name's Bob.
Bob Pinciotti.
Best time to reach me
is between 2:00 and 4:00 a.m.
[rock riff plays]
[knock on door]
If you're looking for Nate,
he's at the park chasing squirrels.
He never gets one,
and then he pouts for two days.
Actually, I came in here to talk to you.
My head's kinda spinning.
Makes sense.
You dodged a big, sweaty bullet.
It's weird.
Today, I saw
all of my future plans disappear.
Northwestern, law school,
an affair with George Stephanopoulos.
And, honestly,
it was almost a relief.
I thought I knew what I wanted,
but I don't know, I guess maybe I don't.
Good. They want you to know what you want.
- Who is "they?"
- I don't know, but they can bite me.
Look, I wanna do
50 different things with my life.
Pilot, rock star, activist, housewife.
- What?
- Just making sure you're not zoning out.
Nikki I know your parents are
on your ass about all this stuff,
but that's on them.
If you wanna rollerblade
naked to California
and tell everyone your name is Avocado,
then do it.
Is that one of your 50 things?
Actually, it is,
so don't even think about it.
[rock riff plays]
Hey, honey.
Leia just told me
you went to the hospital today.
- How did you get her to crack?
- It's Leia. She comes pre-cracked.
I just didn't want you to worry.
How dare you, Red.
Put your hand on the counter.
You're getting the spoon.
You've been using that threat
for 40 years.
- No one believes you.
- Well, today is the day.
You can't be mad at me, Kitty.
- I can't? Why not?
- Mm-hmm.
[humming playfully]
Tickets to Paris?
Today got me thinking.
You know how you're always bugging me
to take you there?
Let's do it.
If these tickets are fake,
you're getting the spoon twice.
They're real.
I just don't wanna leave
anything on the table.
Red Forman.
[tearfully] You sweet, sweet man.
- This is so exciting.
- Yeah. [chuckles]
[Kitty] Oh!
- We are gonna see the Eiffel Tower
- Yeah.
and and the croissant factory,
and and I think Madonna lives there!
- Oh!
- [rock music plays]
We're finally alone, which means
we can pick up where we left off.
Well, what about your grandparents?
It's 9:30. We could do it in their bed,
and they wouldn't wake up.
Oh. Wait, we were near
a bunch of sick people today.
- Do you think we should take showers?
- [scoffs]
Tonight, we're gonna be the sick people.
A pregnancy test?
- Cup O' Noodles?
- Yes, please.
[rock music playing]
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