The Addams Family (1964) s01e03 Episode Script

Fester's Punctured Romance

They're creepy and they're kooky Mysterious and spooky They're altogether ooky The Addams family The house is a museum When people come to see 'em They really are a scream The Addams family MAN: Neat.
So get a witch 's shawl on A broomstick you can crawl on We're gonna pay a call on The Addams family Darling, do you think you did the right thing by joining that Zen-Yogi society? Obviously.
Nothing more important than physical culture.
Ever see anything more restful on the feet? No, I can't say that I have.
Does your head feel good, dear? Darling, you can't have everything.
That's true.
I never thought of that.
I wish you'd get Uncle Fester to join up.
He wouldn't even Iisten.
Something's come over him Iately.
-He's been acting sly, secretive.
-Dear Uncle Fester.
He just improves with age.
How do you Iike this? Oh, yes.
But I'm not sure about the neck.
Oh? -Too Iow? -Too wide.
-For Cousin Eustace? -I take it back.
I'II get it.
-Don't be Iong.
-I won't.
-I'II wait for you in the conservatory.
Time has stood still for you, angelito mio.
You Iook even Iovelier than the day I first Iaid eyes on you.
That word.
I'd better go.
You rang? -Lurch, did you pick up the paper? -No, sir.
Someone's been stealing it the past four or five days.
Any idea who it is? Fine Ioyalty.
Uncle Fester.
Thank you, Thing.
If it weren't for you, this place would be a madhouse.
Is mother's baby hungry? Yeah.
-Oh, Gomez.
The most touching thing has happened.
Your carnivorous plant put its tentacle around you again.
Tish, I think you've been feeding them altogether too much hamburger.
No, no, no, sweetheart.
It's the trailing arbutus and the creeping midnight crawler.
They're embracing.
Isn't that sweet? They fell in Iove and intertwined.
But the creeper went to the Ieft and the arbutus went to the right and they choked each other.
What a way to go.
Morticia, I must tell you, Uncle Fester is not himself.
-Oh, is that bad? -Maybe not.
But he has been interfering with the children's upbringing Iately.
Against my express wishes he promised Iittle Pugsley a Gila monster.
Darling, it's healthy for children to have pets.
-Gila monsters? -Why not? They're so expensive.
Dear Uncle Fester.
Generous to a fault.
WEDNESDAY: Mommy, Daddy, come Iook, come Iook.
Look what Uncle Fester got me.
-He had it made especially for me.
-A black widow spider village.
-Isn't that Iovely? -Just Iike a society of small humans.
-Yeah, they do nothing but fight.
-That's Iife.
-But is this anything for our child? -Of course not.
She already has many more spiders than she'II ever need.
Have fun, dear.
-Still think we should talk to Uncle Fester.
-Maybe, but gently.
The Iast time we scolded him, he went into his closet and didn't come out for weeks.
It was an act, my dear.
He Ioves his closet.
Interesting, yes.
Very interesting.
Come in.
Was that you talking to yourself, Uncle Fester? -You've been doing that quite a bit Iately.
-Well, only when I'm alone.
-Uncle Fester -I know what you're going to say.
I've been spoiling the children.
-I guess I Iike to feel wanted.
-But you are wanted.
-And needed.
-Needed? You wouldn't even Iet me fix that Ieak in the roof.
And my finger fit it perfectly.
Uncle Fester, I told you, that's my favorite Ieak.
And what about you? There was a time you'd never think of using your electric shaver without connecting it to me.
Well, Gomez felt you've been a bit run-down Iately.
Run-down? And I can still make it blink, too.
You call that run-down? Well, the truth is, Uncle Fester, my new shaver is AC -and you're DC.
-Excuses, Excuses.
-I'm sorry.
-Well, you don't have to be.
I've been scanning the Ionely hearts column.
-You haven't.
-You sly old fox, you.
Well, under the circumstances, I thought I'd take a bride.
Uncle Fester, you just can't take one.
You're supposed to find your own.
It's the sporting way, old boy.
You'II be fighting the women off with clubs.
CIubs? Yeah.
I think I'd Iike that.
Well, I better get on with the Ietter.
Oh, Gomez.
This morning when I woke up and the sky was all dark and cloudy, I knew right then and there that this was going to be a Iovely day.
But I can truthfully say I have never Iet breeding, social position, or Iooks go to my head.
And I'm Iooking forward to meeting someone of the opposite sex with these same qualities.
Signed, Modesty.
Got it? Excellent.
You have a very delicate handwriting.
Thank you, Thing.
Uncle Fester, we have a surprise for you.
A surprise? For me? I know I'm gonna cry.
CIose your eyes.
AII right, Gomez.
I just know I'm gonna cry.
You can open them now.
-We saved it from our wedding.
-It's beautiful.
And you made such a handsome couple.
I do hope my bride will be worthy of all this.
I better mail this Do you think I ought to send a snapshot along? I believe so.
How about that nice one the city took? The time you fell asleep on the park bench and they carried you off to the morgue by mistake.
Oh, no.
I was thin then and I had hair.
-I do Iook better now, don't I? -Much.
-I'II have a new one taken.
But it's imperative that it show your character, your strength, -your nobility.
-We'II have it touched up.
That won't be necessary.
I'II take the picture.
Ready? No, no, Uncle Fester.
You're smiling.
-Oh, pardon me.
-Just show the natural Addams charm.
-Much better.
Now for the character.
Now Iet's see that strength.
Now the piece de resistance, your nobility.
Oh, hurry, Gomez, get it before he Ioses it.
AII right.
Hold it, hold it now.
Hold it! Ready? Perfect! I wonder what Uncle Fester's bride will be Iike.
He once went with a girl who Iooked Iike a walrus.
Darling, beauty isn't everything.
You're right.
He's talking about moving after the wedding.
He's found a home in a nice condemned section.
I wonder what their children will be Iike.
Doesn't matter about the boys, but I hope the girls Iook Iike Uncle Fester.
I do wish Grandpa Squint and Aunt Vendetta were still alive.
They'd get such a thrill out of the wedding.
Darling, they are alive.
They are? They don't Iook it.
-I'd better check.
-You'd better.
-How do you Iike it? -Like what, old boy? -Can't you tell? -A new collar.
Certainly not.
How can you improve on genuine matched gopher? You're parting your hair just No, that can't be it.
Come on, take a real close Iook.
-I've got it.
You've had your head waxed.
Oh, you men.
You're much fussier than women.
It's hard coat.
Won't crack, scuff or stain.
It's very becoming.
I thought you'd Iike it.
Oh, has the mail come in yet? Now, now, control yourself, old boy.
You know the mail doesn't come along -until Iater.
-I just can't help it.
I'm a Iovelorn swain wandering around in a Iovely black cloud.
Oh darling, you can't expect an answer to your Ietter yet.
-You only mailed it yesterday.
-Oh, you never know.
There may be someone out there as eager as I am.
Dear Uncle Fester.
I haven't seen him this happy since he blew up the guesthouse.
Mother, Mother.
Oh, hush, Bruno.
You've been so grumpy Iately.
I wish you wouldn't shout so.
Your father's trying to take a nap.
That's all right, I just can't seem to sleep anyway.
Guess I'm excited about Uncle Fester's wedding.
I wanted to show you the present I have for him.
-You Iike it? -But, darling, I don't see anything.
You're not supposed to.
Uncle Fester says it's the thought that counts.
I'm thinking of a nice friendly cobra.
Isn't that clever? If we put our minds to it, we can save a fortune.
Yes, Thing? Why, thank you.
For Uncle Fester? What is it? Come on, now.
You can tell me.
I won't tell anyone.
-A shrunken head.
-Just what he wanted.
I do hope your brother Pugsley hasn't forgotten his dear uncle.
He is going to buy something.
He's upstairs getting the money out of his piggybank now.
Oh? The mail's in.
Uncle Fester, you must give it time.
It's only been one day.
I was sure I'd get an immediate response.
I gave a very full description of myself.
Your Miss Right will come along.
Well, hello there.
Is your mother home? -Are you from the Health Department? -Why? The neighbors complained about Aristotle getting Ioose.
-Aristotle, what an odd name for a dog.
-Not for a octopus.
No, not for an octopus.
Well, I'm not here about anything Iike that.
I sell cosmetics and toiletries.
Well, then my mom is at home.
Her name is Mrs.
Thank you.
Say, maybe you could help me make a sale.
What kind of powder does your mommy use? -Baking powder.
-I mean on her face.
Baking powder.
And Uncle Fester uses a spray-on preservative.
-No, you mean a spray-on deodorant.
-No, preservative.
-To keep young? -Just to keep.
Well, thank you very much.
You've been very helpful.
She's here.
She didn't even bother to write.
She just packed a bag and came in person.
Oh, this is terrible.
She's not my type at all.
Uncle Fester, I agree she doesn't have your Iooks, but maybe with a nice stringy hairdo she'd be almost presentable.
Oh, no! That's not enough.
But perhaps, way down deep inside, where it really counts, -she's one of us.
-No, no.
There is no chemistry.
She doesn't do anything for me.
Our Iife together would be a mockery.
Don't go to the door.
Maybe she'II go away.
-Someone at the door.
-Oh, darling, -it's Uncle Fester's mail-order bride.
-Ugly duckling.
-Just doesn't pay to order by mail.
-I better hide.
No, you're not.
You're going to stay right here and face her.
This will be very good experience for you in handling a scheming, grasping woman.
How do you know she's scheming and grasping, Tish? She came over here with a bag, ready to move right in.
Trying to muscle in on the competition.
How do you do, Mrs.
Addams? I'm Miss Carver.
Yes, won't you come in? Well, thank you, ma'am.
Thank you very much.
You know, I'm not always greeted so cordially and invited in immediately.
-You do this often? -Many times a day.
You poor thing.
You mustn't be discouraged.
I always say there's a right one for everyone.
Won't you come in? Looks Iike you're preparing for some sort of a party.
Every day is a party with us.
Miss Carver, this is my husband, Mr.
How do you do, Miss Carver? PIease sit down.
Thank you.
And don't tell me, that gentleman behind you is Uncle Fester.
I know from the description I've received.
-You can't force me.
-Oh, I never use force.
Just gentle persuasion.
And sometimes in difficult cases, I merely give a free sample and Ieave the prospect to think it over.
Miss Carver! We don't countenance such behavior in this house.
Well, then, I'II be happy to accept cash.
I believe we can quickly convince you that your visit here is quite hopeless.
Don't say that.
Very difficult, yes, but certainly not hopeless.
Let me ask you a few honest and straightforward questions, Miss Carver, and you'II see what we mean.
You've met Uncle Fester.
Do you really think you have something to offer him? I should say.
Why, I could make a new man of him entirely.
I have a 90-day plan that works wonders.
That's typical of a woman.
You meet the ideal man and right away you try to make him over.
Not make over.
Just enhance and bring out the basic attractiveness which you already have in such abundance.
You poor thing.
You have it bad, haven't you? -I beg your pardon.
-Well, you just met Uncle Fester and already you're willing to devote your Iife to him.
I do have a Iifetime plan, but I'm sure you'II see a great improvement in just 90 days.
Would you excuse us for a few minutes, please? A Iittle family conference.
Of course.
Uncle Fester, I think we may have judged Miss Carver too hastily.
-I can't stand her.
-She's crazy about you, old boy.
Darling, you can make her over a Iittle.
Get her a decent wardrobe.
And after she's been out of the sun for a few months she'II Iose that ghastly color.
I've changed my mind.
I don't want to get married.
I guess my standards are just too high.
Uncle Fester, you Ied her on.
Now you go in and be nice to her.
She's probably in an agony of doubt.
Well, have you decided to Iet me give you a demonstration? -No, I can't go through with it! -Come now.
Let me show you something exotic for the boudoir.
Don't you dare! Perhaps you ought to Iet her, Fester.
It might give you a change of heart.
-Gomez! -There's no harm.
Go on, Fester, Iet yourself go.
Take her in your arms, kiss her.
Might not be so bad if you keep your eyes closed.
Addams! -She's quite right.
-Young Iovers should be alone.
-Young Iovers? I'm getting out of here.
Fester, I think you've just been jilted.
Consider yourself Iucky, Uncle Fester.
She was a very vain woman.
That case was full of nothing but cosmetics.
And no taste.
Not a bit of baking powder.
Anything interesting in the paper tonight, dear? Just a situation wanted ad by that Miss Carver.
I suppose she decided against marriage.
Some people just don't have it.
You were very Iucky, Uncle Fester.
I sure was.
This Zen-Yogi is much better than marriage.
-Marvelous, isn't it? -Yeah, and so economical.
-Economical? -No shoes.