The Addams Family (1964) s01e04 Episode Script

Gomez, the Politician

They're creepy and they're kooky Mysterious and spooky They're altogether ooky The Addams family The house is a museum When people come to see 'em They really are a scream The Addams family MAN: Neat.
Sweet.
Petite.
So get a witch 's shawl on A broomstick you can crawl on We're gonna pay a call on The Addams family These conventions, they're so exciting! I remember the first time I voted.
1906.
Now, Mama, you know there was no woman suffrage in 1906.
-That didn't stop me.
-You're a real Addams.
What's all the noise? The conventions, Morticia, the conventions.
I do wish they wouldn't shout so.
It keeps Iittle Pugsley's octopus awake.
The poor thing's getting rings under his tentacles.
And my African strangler, too.
It just Ioses all desire to strangle anyone.
Thank you, Thing.
Dear Thing.
It sets such a good example for us.
Show-off.
-Uncle Fester! -I'm sorry.
Now, you know I don't Iike petty jealousies.
Where's Gomez? He's down in the playroom hanging pictures.
Oh, dear.
I do hope he isn't hanging the picture of Cousin Grisly facing the firing squad down there.
It Iooks so right in the hall.
What are you doing, darling? Just getting the playroom into the election spirit.
Is he running again? No, but I thought I'd bring out the pictures of the men we Addamses have supported in the past.
Very appropriate.
-We really backed Landon to the hilt.
-Yes.
I must say he was a very good Ioser.
No better than AI Smith here.
Or Wendell Willkie.
Or Adlai.
Uncle BIight masterminded their campaigns.
OId "Kiss-of-Death" BIight, they called him.
I never quite knew why.
Grandpa Squint says it's an old family nickname.
Grandpa knew his way around the political arena, too.
Abe Lincoln begged him for his support.
But there's the man who got it.
Stephen Douglas.
Darling, with all this natural political talent, shouldn't you be running for public office? No, we Addamses prefer to think of ourselves as king-makers.
The man I've decided to throw my support to, in every way, is Leonard G.
Quimby.
-Howdy, neighbor.
-How do you do? -Well, I see you've picked your man.
-Yes, I have.
Even heard you made a substantial contribution to his campaign.
It's only money.
Good.
-George Bass is my name.
-Addams here.
-Is all this yours? -Well, we go back to the cemetery.
We all do, sometime.
It's nice to see citizens taking an interest in the election, even if they have backed the wrong man.
Quimby? Why, he's our insurance man.
Got us off the hook when my son, Pugsley, accidentally blew up the garage.
But that's neither here nor there.
You're right.
My man promises to modernize the city, put in more streetlights, drain the swamps.
-Drain the swamps? -That and more.
Well, maybe I have been a Iittle hasty.
-Do you have a picture of your man? -Do I have a picture of my There he is, the voice of progress.
That's Sam L.
Hilliard.
Why, he's an old friend.
I hope the L stands for Lucifer.
-It does, it does.
-Good.
He's a fine man.
Last time he was around here, he went away with the shakes.
I wonder why.
Overworked.
Then you'II vote for him? We'II do better than that.
We'II go out and campaign for him.
Wonderful! Wait till I tell Mr.
Hilliard.
Here.
Welcome, fellow campaigner.
Sorry, Quimby.
You can sprinkle Iater, Tish.
Take a Iook at this.
-I could have sworn he was bald.
-My dear.
That's another man.
That's our old friend from the School Board, Sam L.
Hilliard.
I've changed horses in midstream.
-That's the Addams way.
-Of course.
The L stands for Lucifer.
Very appropriate for a politician.
But, darling, Iook at his platform.
"Modernize the city, put in more streetlights, "drain the swamps! " Drain our Iovely swamps? -The man's an extremist.
-querida mia, our swamps are safe.
Mr.
Hilliard won't do any of those terrible things.
Don't you realize politicians always make extravagant promises? Fortunately I can see through their Iittle games.
Darling, you're so clever.
I'm sure Mr.
Hilliard will be very happy we've decided to join his campaign.
I can just see his face.
No, no, no.
I want no part of that Addams family.
But they're good for a nice campaign contribution.
You get it.
Look, the public Iikes personal contact with the candidate, you know, the old handshake, the baby kissing.
You've got to go over and welcome them officially.
I'd rather Iose.
You may, if you don't Iay your hands on some more campaign funds.
-Seriously? -Seriously.
It's still not worth it.
Community pride, public service, civic duty.
I wonder if we're doing the right thing.
Don't you want to save our Iovely swamps? That is a good cause.
-Besides, elections are fun.
-We should vote more often.
How's this one? That's nice, Uncle Fester, and very original, too.
-Yours is nice too, my dear.
-Thank you, darling.
-You Ieft the R out of "friend.
" -I thought it Iooked better that way.
By Jove, it does.
I wonder why Mr.
Hilliard hasn't called to thank us for joining his campaign.
Busy, no doubt.
That reminds me.
I think I'II send Lurch over and invite Hilliard to a Iittle strategy meeting.
Our candidate.
Welcome.
Mr.
Hilliard, how nice of you to join us.
We've been up nights just planning and planning for you.
What are you planning? Show him the wonderful sign you painted for him.
"Everybody's fiend?" I didn't think you'd notice.
Sit down, Mr.
Hilliard, I'II have Lurch serve some refreshments.
You rang? -Name it, Mr.
Hilliard.
Coffee, tea? -Brew? Oh, no, thank you.
Won't you sit down, Mr.
Hilliard? Mrs.
Addams and I would Iike to discuss some campaign strategy with you.
Look, I just remembered a speaking engagement.
Yes, thank you.
Now then, what's the key to every successful political campaign? -Money.
-Exactly.
-Gomez is such a brilliant strategist.
-She really knows me.
Sure, sure.
Well, why don't you just make out a check for, say, $5,000? -A drop in the bucket.
-$10,000? -$20,000 or nothing.
-$20,000? We insist.
-Well, if you put it that way.
-We do.
But more important than money is how it's going to be spent.
We have some wonderful ideas.
-Like that sign? -Better.
Well, why don't you just make out a check and Ieave the campaigning to us.
But these are sure-fire strategies.
Number one: We wanna get our butler, Lurch, on television.
We feel he'II appeal to the women's vote.
Camera moves in.
It's a close-up of Lurch.
Lurch expresses himself on the candidacy of Sam L.
Hilliard.
Animal magnetism.
You can't top that.
Tell you what? Make it $10,000.
Our children can appeal to the junior voters.
Junior voters? Kids don't vote.
By George, you're right.
How about $5,000? Gomez, darling, we'II still have to Iet the children go on television.
They'II be so disappointed.
Besides, they wrote such brilliant speeches.
$2,500.
You'II forget all about money when you hear the song that Uncle Fester wrote for you.
A campaign song.
-$1,000.
-Uncle Fester! Uncle Fester, sing your campaign song for Mr.
Hilliard.
-This will kill you.
-Oh, no.
You To the harpsichord, Lurch, we're gonna do the song.
It's the kind of song that gets you right here.
$500.
Don't be a hog help clean up the bog Vote for Sam L.
Hilliard He'II stick to the issue he may even kiss you So vote for Sam L.
Hilliard Honest and fearless Sam L.
is peerless He's a man for whom we stump.
So don't be a goat and just cast your vote For the pride of our city's swamp Well, what do you think? I think we've got more money than we need.
Uncle Fester can do the song with special effects, too.
He Iights up.
Lights up? Don't worry about the flickering.
We'II have him recharged.
-I better go.
-You haven't seen anything yet.
-PIease, I'II give you a Iittle money.
-Nonsense.
-I'm really unworthy of your support.
-Twaddle.
I'm a grafter.
You mean all your campaign promises are phony? -As a $3 bill.
-I got a Iot of $3 bills.
I'm not going to do anything about the streetlights.
-The streets stay dark and gloomy.
-Wonderful.
And the bogs and marshes, I'm gonna make them even boggier.
Capital! I knew you'd appreciate my Ieveling with you.
We do! We do, Mr.
Hilliard.
I almost forgot the most important thing.
Our party mascot! -We don't need a party mascot.
-Yes, we do.
The Democrats have their donkey, the Republicans have their elephant.
-Guess what we have? -I couldn't begin to.
We have Kitty cat.
Kitty.
Here, Kitty, Kitty, Kitty, Kitty.
Don't frighten the poor dear.
I'II send you a Ietter of apology first thing in the morning.
-Forgot your hat.
-Keep it! Well, it Iooks Iike we backed the right man.
No question about it.
I'm just sorry about one thing.
-What's that, dear? -I forgot to register.
"In the course of human events, "there are many moments that try men's souls.
"There are moments of crisis, of tragedy, turmoil, "doubt.
There are even moments" I've put Kitty to sleep.
What does it matter, darling? He doesn't vote, anyway.
No, no, it's my speech.
Let's go through it.
Start at the beginning.
-"My friends" -Hold it.
That'II never go, dear.
-Get right to the issues.
-You're right.
"One of the major issues of the day is peace.
" Well, that's true, dear.
But everybody wants peace.
-Even Mr.
Quimby.
-You're right.
"And now, to the matter of taxes.
"Shall we have high taxes? Or shall we have Iow taxes?" -Isn't that a dangerous position? -You're right.
"Which brings us to the question of education" -Nope, much too controversial.
-You're right.
"AIso the question of social welfare?" "Now we come to the biggest, the most burning issue of the day, "the question of" -You make that out? -"Question of swamps.
" Oh, yes.
"As to the matter of swamps" Darling, the Iess said about that the better.
Very clever, querida, very clever.
-"I thank you.
" -Well I know what you're going to say.
After such an enlightening and courageous speech, I shouldn't thank them, they should thank me.
I agree completely.
Now, you all know what you're supposed to do? Lurch, you hit the swanky Oak Knoll section.
Roger.
-Mama? -I get off in the business district.
You parade up and down the street with your placard and you blow your bugle.
Uncle Fester, is your assignment clear? I sing, Iight up and pass out $3 bills.
Remember, the secret word is "dignity.
" AII right, Lurch, blast off.
Don't they make a fine-Iooking group? Mr.
Hilliard is as good as elected.
Oak Knoll is in the bag, huh? Great, keep in touch.
Well, everything Iooks good so far.
Polls say you're a shoo-in.
I wouldn't be if I hadn't got rid of that Addams family.
-PIease, Iet's not mention them again.
-You're right.
Now hop on down to the polls and keep an eye on things.
Right.
-If anything goes wrong, call me.
-Right.
Boss? Bass.
You better get over here to the Fourth Ward.
The Addamses are Ioose.
ANNOUNCER: As I told you before, ladies and gentlemen, we're speaking to you from the busy intersection ofBroadway and Main.
Well, I've seen election campaigns, but this one beats them all.
Looks Iike we've done it.
Our on-the-spot broadcast today features Wait a minute.
There's candidate Sam Hilliard, and he's chasing a campaign runner down the street with a stick! -Isn't that Uncle Fester? -Uncle Yes, he just Iit up! I better return you to our studios KBHL.
I'm beginning to see things.
Thank you, Mel, and there you see Why would Mr.
Hilliard chase Uncle Fester with a stick? Nonsense, dear.
Didn't you hear the reporter admit he was seeing things? Of course.
Hilliard will probably be along any minute to express his gratitude.
Boss, you can't go in there.
It's suicide.
-That's my mood exactly.
-But I've got to get those Addamses off the street or I'm sunk.
Well, I'm not going in.
That's the first intelligent thing you've said in the entire campaign.
Get down to the polls and see what's going on.
Right.
-Bass.
-Boss? Call my mother and tell her not to wait up for me.
Good idea.
-Hilliard, we've been expecting you.
-I should think so.
-I'II take your hat.
-No, no, no, I'm holding on to it this time.
Come on in.
-Mrs.
Addams -PIease don't say it.
I will, too, say it! Mr.
Addams and I find expressions of gratitude so embarrassing.
Expressions of gratitude? Your election will be our reward.
I'm going to turn this whole thing over to a Iawyer.
-A Iawyer? -Yes.
My card.
Gomez is responsible for putting more criminals behind bars than any other man in the United States.
You, a prosecuting attorney? Attorney for the defense.
Well, I don't need you for my Iawyer and I don't need you for my campaign manager.
You see, our man's a politician of the old school.
Not only forgets his campaign promises, he forgets his campaigners.
I knew we backed the right horse.
Excuse me.
Thank you, Thing.
Addams here.
Yes, he's here too.
It's for you.
Probably your opponent, Quimby, conceding the election.
-Only a case of election day jitters.
-I hope so.
-Why don't you answer it? -You answer it.
Of course, old boy.
Addams here.
I'II take the message.
Oh, hello, Bass! Really? Some of the first returns are in.
Oak Knoll, eh? Good.
I see.
Good work, Bass.
-It's a Iandslide.
-For Hilliard? For Quimby.
76 to nothing.
-I knew it, I knew it.
-Those early returns.
Of course, the Oak Knoll section, upper class snobs, always contrary to the main trend.
I'II get it.
Thank you, Thing.
Darling, you Iook a Iittle tired.
Why don't you just relax? Hello.
This is Mrs.
Addams speaking.
Yes, he's here.
-It's for you again.
-I'm not going near that thing.
I'II take the message.
Oh hello, Mr.
Bass.
Really? It's the 9th Precinct.
Well, that's much better.
Hilliard 6, Quimby 1 10.
-See? You're beginning to gain.
-I'm ruined.
Ruined! Come now, Mr.
Hilliard, that's the 9th Precinct.
Nothing but Iower class people.
That's not where your strength is.
If that's for me, I don't wanna talk to anybody.
Addams here.
Bass, what's the word? Come, now, Bass, you can think of another word.
I see.
Well, the middle class section is the most important.
-Fine.
-AII right, Iet me have it.
-If I were you, I'd demand a recount.
-Oh, no.
Hilliard 5, Quimby 204.
Not bad, really.
You only Iost one vote.
I'm sure there's been some fraud.
Yes, Bass admits it.
Too bad they caught him.
I'II get it.
Hello, Mrs.
Addams speaking.
Yes, Mr.
Quimby.
Mr.
Hilliard's here.
I'm afraid he can't come to the phone right now.
What? Mr.
Quimby, I'm sure you're mistaken.
EIectronic computers do not vote.
Mr.
Quimby is claiming victory.
-Wonderful.
-What's wonderful about it? Can't you see, old man? The trap.
The Achilles' heel.
The Waterloo of every politician.
Overconfidence.
The poor dear.
The sweet smell of success must have been too much for him.
I'm so glad you joined the Zen-Yogi society, darling.
Right, querida.
After a strenuous campaign, at Ieast you can relax.
Every man should Iearn to relax this way.
It's a wonderful gift.
-It says Mr.
Hilliard is quitting politics.
-Really? -Must be his health.
-Must be.
Because it says he's thinking of Ieaving town, too.
As a matter of fact, it says he's thinking of Ieaving the country.
Poor man, I was so sure he'd win.
I guess we got into the campaign too Iate.
Gomez, I'm afraid we failed.
Not according to Quimby.
He says if it wasn't for us, he wouldn't have won.
What a generous thing to say.
Why, thank you, Thing.
Maybe we should have gotten Thing into the campaign.
No, I guess not.
Hello? This is Mrs.
Addams speaking.
Why, hello, Mr.
Hilliard.
Really? Isn't that nice.
Well, thank you.
Goodbye.
That was that nice Mr.
Hilliard.
He says he's glad he lost.
The Mayor appointed him head of the School Board.
It's a much better position.
In that case, I'm proud to have served.
Alley-oop! Oop! -Where are you going, darling? -To the playroom.
To add Mr.
Hilliard to our illustrious collection.