The Addams Family (1964) s01e34 Episode Script

It's all very simple, children.
All you need is 20/20 vision, nerves of steel, and absolutely perfect coordination.
Like this.
You also need an indomitable spirit.
That's the safe way to make a basket.
Once more.
- Oh, that was a nice toss, darling.
- Thank you.
Thank you, Lurch.
Querida! Perfect.
Exactly the way I taught you.
And that's the way I want you to do it, too.
Children, we'll have another lesson tomorrow.
- You're a good teacher.
- Thank you, Father.
Cara mia, stop right there.
Oh, but darling, I must take this plant down to the playroom.
I don't see a plant.
I see a rare flower.
You.
- My lovely black orchid.
- Oh, Gomez, darling.
Your Castilian blood courses through your veins so gloriously.
Oh, that's terrible.
Morticia doesn't seem to think so.
No, I'm talking about this article.
"The Danger of a Happy Marriage" by Dr.
Francois Chalon, the eminent psychologist.
- Danger? In a happy marriage? - You bet.
This fellow says that, "Married couples who seem ideally mated "and perfectly attuned are really miserable, emotional messes underneath.
" Well, the poor things.
Not everyone can be as fortunate as we, cara mia.
Music, Lurch, to underscore this magic moment.
You just oughtta read this.
This Dr.
Chalon is tops in his profession.
He says that couples who fight like cats and dogs are really the happy ones.
- Happy, cara mia? - Ecstatic, cavaliere mio.
You are sick, sick, sick.
Darling, I'm worried.
Do you think there could be anything wrong with our marriage? I couldn't be happier.
Querida, if our marriage is shaky, I want to keep it shaking for all eternity.
Your knight in shining armor will defend it against the world.
Oh, darling, something I've always wanted.
An indoor waterfall.
- You're so ingenious.
- That's true.
Well, off to the Zen-Yogi society.
We're doing our latest position, the spread eagle.
- On the floor? - Midair.
Have fun.
I forgot my glasses.
- Who did that? - Gomez.
- Deliberately? - We were talking about our marriage and suddenly he picked up the spear and flung it.
You had a fight.
Congratulations.
Nonsense, Uncle Fester.
We've never been happier.
- You poor, misguided soul.
- But Please, you'll make me cry.
Come on, Lurch.
Tighter.
I just gotta get rid of this headache of mine.
Oh, forget it.
I'll never get rid of this headache.
You always said that thing was perfect for soothing your nerves.
How can I have soothed nerves when tragedy is about to strike - someone very near and dear to us? - The octopus? The moose? Morticia and Gomez.
Gomez is beginning to crack already.
For no reason at all, he just practically wrecked the plumbing.
They're gonna really erupt one of these days and All over! We gotta get them to fight, so they'll let off a little emotional steam.
- Then they'll kiss and make up, huh? - Right.
You know, like a well-adjusted couple.
Now, all in favor of making Morticia and Gomez miserable for their own good, raise their hands.
It's unanimous.
- Please, not while I'm coughing.
- Sorry, Fester.
Morticia, my pet, did you make a slight rearrangement of the chessmen? She probably knew she was beaten.
Darling, are you accusing me of fudging? It's just an excuse.
He's trapped and he knows it.
Forgive me, angelito mío.
There, my king stalemates your king.
It's a draw.
Neither one of us wins.
Of course, darling, it had to be.
We're so perfectly matched.
We've just got to do what the professor says.
Get them brawling.
Hello? Gomez Addams? Who's calling? Grand guru? You must be the president of Gomez's Zen-Yogi society.
His dues? Yeah, I'll tell him what he There aren't gonna be any dues, not this month's or any month's from now on.
Mrs.
Addams talked her husband into quitting your phony society.
She says Zen-Yogi is a fake.
Yeah, she put him wise to you quacks! Gomez will have a fit.
He loves Zen-Yogi.
Exactly.
And if he doesn't give Morticia a whack or two, how else is going to prove his undying love? And if she cares for him she'll conk him once or twice.
What lovely fireworks.
They'll light up the whole sky with "I love you.
" An ace.
My weekly game at the Zen-Yogi clubhouse is something I look forward to with a passion.
Imagine playing seven card lowball on your head.
I am Drashi Dumo, grand guru of the local Zen-Yogi society.
Follow me.
- The grand guru.
- Grand guru! This is a surprise.
Mr.
Addams, I am the one who is surprised.
In fact, I am deeply shocked.
Zen-Yogi is not a fraud.
It is nirvana.
It is the ultimate.
Well, of course it's the ultimate.
I might even say it goes beyond the ultimate.
Who would dare say it's a fraud? Your wife, Mrs.
Addams.
Yeah, your wife, Mrs.
Addams.
She did? Well, she's a very intelligent woman.
If her intuition tells her it's a fraud, then it must be a fraud.
Then you are quitting the society? Morticia said that? My darling querida.
Just trying to save me the embarrassment of telling you myself.
You're not gonna let her dictate to you, are you, Gomez? You love Zen-Yogi.
After what has been said about Zen-Yogi in this house, we will never accept you again.
Good day.
Wait! Tell him his wife's a meddler.
Let's get a little battle going here.
Darling, did I hear a strange voice? Tish, Zen-Yogi's been taking up entirely too much of my life.
Darling, you're so right.
And besides, all this standing on your head is getting rather expensive.
- None of your hats fit anymore.
- It's more fun doing things together.
Darling, could this be the time we should take our safari up the Amazon? Wonderful.
A second honeymoon.
- Darling.
- Cara.
Did you hear that? I'm gonna have to take the most drastic step of all.
Now! Today.
You're right.
We just can't let them go off alone.
Suppose they explode up the Amazon.
- Only one would come back alive.
- Which one? I don't know.
And that's the worst part of it.
I just couldn't stand the suspense.
A gentleman to see you, Doctor.
I hope I can help you.
I read your article in a magazine.
Yes, a marriage problem.
Have you ever considered wearing a toupee? Oh, it's not me, it's my niece and nephew.
They seem ideally mated.
Completely happy.
A potentially disastrous relationship.
I had five marriages of my own.
Each one ideal, and then Five marriages? You must really understand women.
Naturally.
I've killed three men for women.
- Duels.
- Well, that's a nice pastime.
But you've just got to meet Morticia and Gomez.
As a friend of mine.
Not as a doctor.
So you can study and observe them, without letting them know.
You've just got to help them.
- Well, I'm afraid I'm a very busy man.
- Oh, please, please.
We can't let a beautiful woman like Morticia go through life as a Ionely divorcée.
Beautiful? Well Never let it be said that Francois Chalon ever refused a lady in distress.
Oh, goody.
You're a school chum of dear Uncle Fester's? - Yeah, that was correspondence school.
- How charming.
Oh, that French! Even when he speaks it.
The French are so suave.
But the Castilian is much more exciting in his ardor.
Will you come and meet our Mama? Mama, this is Dr.
Chalon.
- Charmed.
- That's a most unusual ball of yarn - you're working with.
- Oh, it's a shrunken head.
I'm taking the hair off.
I'm going to crochet a nice tea cozy with it.
And this is my daughter, Wednesday.
Oh, what a pity! Your little doll lost its head.
She hasn't lost it.
She's Marie Antoinette.
And I chopped it off.
Would you care for a cocktail before dinner, Dr.
Chalon? Yes, I think I could use one.
You rang? Cocktails, Lurch.
Use the good hemlock.
- Shall we adjourn to the library? - Yes.
So much more intime.
- Please, that's French.
- Darling, please.
We have a guest.
Oh, yes, forgive me.
Shall we? I asked him here to solve a problem.
Now he's creating one.
That's just what we want.
We'll encourage it.
This is my darling Cleopatra.
Genus African strangler.
If I may say so, I find you fascinating, completely irresistible.
I believe you're trying to tell me something.
From the first moment I saw you, I was enchanted.
Dr.
Chalon! I believe Uncle Fester's school chums are always welcome here, but I think you're abusing our hospitality.
I happen to be married.
If you don't mind my saying so, I've made women forget their husbands in one day.
- Please, I love Gomez.
- Who's Gomez? - My husband.
- You see, I've forgotten him already.
You'll recognize him when you see him again.
Fester, are you trying to accuse Morticia of flirting with Chalon? All I can say is I'm sorry I ever invited him over.
Then I'll have to defend my honor, like a true Addams.
Well, spoken like a true Castilian nobleman.
- Let her have it.
- Mr.
Addams.
- Your charming wife just - Sir, you have trifled with the sanctity of my marriage.
I demand satisfaction.
My card.
"Validated one-hour parking at Joe's.
" Slight error.
Now, you may choose your weapons.
These rapiers.
In one hour.
This is all wrong.
You were supposed to sock Morticia.
My rapier shall speak for me.
Please turn the other cheek.
I only have two.
Gomez.
He's the best swordsman in all France.
He is? For Morticia, my querida, I would fight the greatest swordsman in the world.
Oh, shucks.
Sorry, sir.
Poor Gomez.
If only he'd belted you once, everything would have been perfect.
That's no way for a man to treat the woman he loves.
That Chalon will slice him like a nickel baloney.
Oh, dear.
I must stop it.
But how? He'll enjoy killing Gomez.
But Gomez won't enjoy it.
I had the most horrible dream.
I dreamed that you killed Chalon and the police came and took you away.
And Gomez, you're my favorite nephew.
I just couldn't bear it.
Please, you gotta call off that duel.
Don't be absurd.
If the police come I'll face them.
With shoulders back, head high, and say, "It was an accident.
" Gee, Gomez, you know, with that sword in your hand - it's a thing of beauty.
- It's all in the wrists.
In the wrist, huh? Please can I try it? - Go ahead.
- Thank you.
Oh, dear.
And we don't have another.
Now you'll have to call the duel off.
Nonsense.
This is much better.
- Gomez, you said it was all in your wrist? - Oh, yes.
Here, we got to keep it in shape.
Let me give it a little massage.
- Here, how's that feel? - It's all right.
Yeah? Better? Well, yes, much better.
- But not for dueling.
- You mean you'll have to call it off? Not while I still have this hand.
By george, I just realized it.
I'm left-handed.
Cousin Itt, I'm faced with a terrible problem, and I know you have a good head on your shoulders You do have shoulders, don't you? Three? Well.
Anyway, Gomez and a certain Dr.
Chalon have become involved in a deadly duel over me.
There is a simple solution? What? A duel? But they are going to fight a duel.
And Chalon's the best swordsman in France.
That's a very good suggestion, Cousin Itt.
But Gomez's insurance is already paid up.
How can I stop that duel? I tried that.
He discovered he was left-handed.
That's very sweet of you, Cousin Itt.
But I believe Gomez has written his own eulogy.
Well, I'll just have to work on Dr.
Chalon.
I must stop this duel for Gomez's sake, no matter what the price.
Thank you, Cousin Itt.
It's comforting to know that I look good in black.
Francois.
Please speak English.
It sets my blood afire.
Really? Please come and sit beside me.
Francois, I don't want you to fight.
You might get killed.
Do not worry.
In three strokes you are a widow.
Dueling's for fools.
You must go away.
Only if you go with me.
I'd love to, but Gomez hates to travel.
- Who's Gomez? - My darling husband.
What about darling me? You must choose.
Well, I'd feel much better knowing you were far away, and safe.
Such charm.
But you do not have to choose.
I stay here and duel.
Well, then, duel with me.
I prefer to kill your darling Gomez.
- Oh, no! - Such loyalty.
In a few minutes it will be "poof!" All over.
- And then you can pack your things, yes? - No.
I mean, I just remembered, I have to go feed Zelda.
- Let Zelda feed herself.
- Let a vulture feed herself? You're not yourself.
Her husband hates to travel? Chalon, you are a fool.
Dr.
Chalon, you must call off the duel.
It's off.
Cowards only talk bravely.
That's true, but Gomez has other good qualities.
I was speaking of my cowardice.
I have a yellow streak that wide down my back.
Oh, is that so? I thought you were wearing suspenders.
Well, it takes a brave man to admit he's a coward.
But what about Morticia and Gomez? - Maybe if she slugged him - Not necessary.
They are truly a perfect couple.
He was willing to sacrifice himself for her, and just now, she It would have been such a beautiful sacrifice.
- Good night, sir.
- Good night.
All right, Chalon, this is it.
The moment of truth.
- Chalon left.
- He left? You know those yellow suspenders he was wearing? - Yes.
- They're not suspenders.
- Where's Francois? - He ran.
Oh, good.
Didn't he leave any message? What message was there to leave? He was obviously frightened by my superior swordsmanship.
I may be a little rusty, but I still have what it takes.
Yes, darling, you still have it.
But I think I'm slipping.
Darling, I'm really glad you're back in the Zen-Yogi society.
Well, when I showed them this position, they welcomed me with open arms.
- It's a very interesting position.
- And so comfortable.
The grand guru couldn't wait to try it himself.
Yes, it's too bad he didn't have a stronger chandelier.
We should send him a get-well card.
- Lf it's not too late.
- No.
The hospital says he's recovering quite nicely.
Oh, dear, the grand guru is going to have company.
By george, that Zen-Yogi really does work.
My head never felt clearer.
Darling.