The Addams Family (1964) s02e23 Episode Script

They're creepy and they're kooky Mysterious and spooky They're altogether ooky The Addams family The house is a museum When people come to see 'em They really are a scream The Addams family Neat.
Sweet.
Petite.
So get a witch's shawl on A broomstick you can crawl on We're gonna pay a call on The Addams family Uncle Fester, what're you doing? Well, I'm waxing my head.
It's all part of the national beautification program.
The national beautification program? Yes, it was on TV.
You see, the White House wants everybody to join in making everything in the country more beautiful.
And did you ever see my head look more beautiful? Oh, yes, it is lovely.
Yeah, it's that hard coat.
That's very patriotic of you, Uncle Fester.
I think Gomez and I should join in the program, too.
Besides, there are a lot of lovely things I've been wanting to buy.
- Three oranges! - Oh, what did you get, dear? Three oranges! How's the unpacking coming? These shopping sprees are so exhausting.
What's in this alligator case? An alligator.
Nice pet for Pugsley.
No.
I'm thinking of doing this room over, dear, in sort of Early Zoo.
That sounds wonderful.
We do have a good start, but tampering with perfection? It's all part of the national beautification program, dear.
I think everyone should do their bit.
But I would like to bring beauty into the lives and homes of others as well.
Who better than you, cara mia, with your exquisite taste, to do that.
Darling.
But in order to inspire confidence, I need a showplace, a model home.
Querida, you've got one right here.
No, darling.
This house is a tribute to generations of Addams taste.
It took years to achieve its rare beauty.
I should start from scratch.
Just arrived.
Yes, thank you, Lurch.
Let's see.
Put it over there, please.
Carefully.
Carefully, don't bump it now.
Oh, yes.
Gently, Lurch, gently.
Thank you.
That'll be all.
- Darling, look.
- What is it? Can't you guess? We've never seen a canary that size before.
I'll give you a hint.
Tish, that sound sets my blood afire.
Mating cry of the Transylvanian vulture.
It is a Transylvanian vulture.
We should get a pair.
Oh, but I ordered two.
You naughty bird.
Morticia, you have impeccable taste.
Well, of course.
I married you, didn't I? You know, sometimes I think it's wrong of me to keep you all to myself in a world starved for beauty.
I know what you mean.
For instance, our next-door neighbor, Mrs.
Digby? Every time she passes this house, she stares at it with that expression on her face that I've come to know so well.
Raw envy.
We certainly are surrounded by great beauty.
We should insure it.
That reminds me, isn't what's-his-name, Digby, our next door neighbor, isn't he an insurance man? Let's give him the business.
- You mean, our good neighbor policy? - Exactly.
But first, let me hear that wild music of the vulture's cry.
Darling, you promise you'll try to control yourself? I'll try.
- They're at it again.
- Take it easy, honey.
After all, we never see them.
Well, it's almost worse this way, just hearing them.
We won't live next door to them forever.
Joe, we've been living next door to them for three weeks now and it seems like forever already.
We have got to get away.
Now! Joe, please.
- Look, honey.
- Please.
Well, okay.
But if I don't get some business soon, we'll have to move again.
Into the street.
Well, even that would be an improvement.
- I think I'm gonna go lie down.
I just - Yeah.
Come in, the door is open.
Aha there, Digby! Gomez Addams here.
My wife, Morticia, there.
How do you do, Mr.
Digby? - Won't you sit down, Mrs.
Addams? - No, thank you, Mr.
Digby.
We'll come right to the point.
We'd like for you to insure our collection of objets d'art.
That's French.
Gomez, darling, please.
Darling, please.
Insurance now, objets later.
You want to insure something? Yes, indeed.
How about 1,000,000? Dollars? That's very interesting.
How often do you have to water that table? I'll draw up the papers immediately.
No hurry.
Just bring them by the house tomorrow.
And bring Mrs.
Digby with you.
She's very shy.
Yes, I can tell that by the way she rushes past our house.
Besides, she's busy on our new home, working with decorators, you know.
Then you'll have to bring her.
Mrs.
Addams is a superb decorator.
I'd be delighted to help.
- Help? - Yes.
I'd not only feel I was helping a neighbor, but I'd be serving my country as well.
Oh, yes.
Sure.
If I know my wife, you'll get much more than you bargained for.
Darling.
Good day, Mr.
Digby.
Digby, until tomorrow.
- All right now, Fester, you ready? - Yeah.
One, two, three, heave! Came out nice and clean.
I don't understand.
Delilah here gave the room such a lift.
- But Morticia needs her.
- What for? Housewarming gift for our neighbors, the Digbys.
The Digbys! Well, what about asking me first? After all, blood is thicker than water.
Who said anything about giving blood? After all, we don't know them that well.
The Digbys, that's all that Morticia thinks about now.
Well, Morticia always does give too much of herself.
She does? Maybe she will give blood.
No.
Here it is, Morticia.
Isn't that beautiful? I'm glad you're not giving them our live vulture, that'd be too much.
Even parting with Delilah leaves a hole in my life.
You should see the wall.
That must be the Digbys.
I'm almost afraid to let them see the house.
Might discourage them.
Darling, they're just going to have to be realistic.
After all, when we first moved in here, this house was bleak and gloomy.
Not everyone can start with that advantage.
The Digbys.
Welcome, welcome, welcome.
This is Mrs.
Digby.
- How do you do.
- Mrs.
Digby, we have a little something for you.
Say, that call is catching.
- Won't you sit down? - Oh, yes.
Poor dear is overcome by it all.
Now, just take a nice, deep breath.
Save a little for me.
- Joe, let's get out of here.
- Yes, dear.
Soon as we sign the papers.
Digby, how can you talk business at a time like this? Besides, we haven't had a chance to get acquainted yet.
Well, you see, I'm a little tired You know, moving into a new house and finding a decorator Digby, didn't you tell her? - Tell me what? - You've found your decorator.
- I have? Who? - Me.
Hey, you've got a real fainter there.
Very feminine.
She's such a shy, sensitive soul.
I know we're going to get along famously.
No more smelling salts.
I feel better when I'm under.
Look, there must be some mistake.
It does seem too good to be true, doesn't it? At your husband's urging, I've decided to do your house myself.
My husband's urging? Surprise! Well, now, if you ladies will excuse us, Mr.
Digby and I will repair to the gallery.
I'd like to show him our new art objects.
Digby.
Now, dear.
I have some wonderful ideas for your new house.
And a most unusual color scheme.
- Oh? - We'll start with the carpet.
Black.
- Black? - Pitch.
Perhaps as a base - I suppose the curtains - Black.
- What about the wallpaper? - Black.
And the furniture coverings? Black? No.
Off-black.
You must have some contrast, you know.
- Well, Digby, here's our gallery.
- Gallery? Now, what were you saying about insurance? Oh, all you have to do is sign and I'll have the company issue a floater.
No problem.
You rang? A pen, please, Lurch.
Oh, thank you.
That'll be all, Lurch.
- There you are, Digby.
- Gee, thanks.
Thanks a million.
Oh, boy.
Beautiful, beautiful.
You know, I can hardly wait to see that collection of artworks of yours.
You don't have to wait.
You're surrounded by them.
These things? I mean, these things.
Over here, Digby.
- An original Rembrandt.
- Rembrandt? This says "Flugelsmith.
" By george, it does.
These scribbled signatures.
Well, it's an original Flugelsmith.
Speaking of originals, feast your eyes on this.
Oh, a Stradivarius? If it isn't, I'm out $12.
50.
And, of course, there's my head of Tigi-Tigi, the Polynesian war chief.
- Bronze? - Shrunken.
Now, as to your bedroom, I was thinking we might do the walls in salmon.
- Pink? - No, scales.
How's the distaff side doing? Oh, never mind about us.
Did he sign, Joe? All signed, sealed and delivered.
- Well, nice to have seen you.
- Oh, but we're not even halfway through.
You haven't seen the lovely material I have for your new den.
- Hand-woven gunnysack.
- Good thinking, my dear.
Well, Mrs.
Addams, you're very kind, but those lovely ideas of yours are too rich for my blood.
Blood.
That's exactly the color I planned for your guestroom.
I've decided to live with the things I have for a few more years.
Well, arrivederci.
Now, what was that all about? It's obvious, darling.
Money.
Great Caesar's ghost, you're right.
That's why they were so overcome when they saw our house.
They couldn't afford it and they were too proud to admit it.
The poor darlings.
They were even too proud to accept our lovely gift.
That must really have broken their hearts.
Let's send it over to their home.
We'll have Lurch deliver it.
Hey, wait a minute.
Why don't you ask me? Excellent idea, Fester.
You deliver it.
No, I meant, ask me whether I happen to want it.
Why, of course you do.
But that's the only kind of gift that's worth giving.
Something that means something to you.
I don't like giving away precious family heirlooms.
Lurch, get the car.
We'll take something else over there instead.
Some of that junky furniture we got up in the attic.
Antique Sheraton sideboard they stuck up there.
I know it's awful, but, you know, beggars can't be choosers.
And the first one that blabs anything about this to Morticia is a rotten egg.
No, better make that a spoilsport.
I like rotten eggs.
- Hi.
- Wow.
Watch it, Lurch.
Narrow there.
What's this? Just a little housewarming present.
Mrs.
Addams thought you might prefer this to a stuffed vulture.
Prefer it? Why, isn't that an authentic Sheraton? - Well - Why, that must be priceless! Well, I think it's worth something.
I must telephone Mrs.
Addams immediately.
No.
He's right.
I wouldn't do it.
- Why not? - Well Morticia hates expressions of gratitude.
We'll just give her your message.
Bye! Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Hello? Mrs.
Addams, your beautiful gift just arrived.
I wanted to fill your home with things of equal beauty.
Nothing could make me happier, but we just don't have that kind of money.
Oh, think nothing of the expense, dear.
I have more things than I can use.
How can I ever thank you? It's I who should be thanking you for letting me do my part in the national beautification program.
Well, whatever you say.
Joe and I are gonna be gone for a month and we won't be in your way, the whole house is yours.
Oh, I know after that lovely gift you sent over, you're gonna surprise me.
Oh, I will.
I will.
- Have a good trip, dear.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
Darling, I have decided to let Mrs.
Addams do our new house after all.
Who are you calling? Either a divorce lawyer or a psychiatrist, whichever one can get here first.
Mrs.
Addams was just having her little joke.
Little joke, eh? What makes you think so? - That's what makes me think so.
- Oh.
- A housewarming gift from the Addams.
- Well Gomez, darling.
I've had an inspiration for the new Digby house.
Those lucky devils.
What is it this time? I want to bring the garden right into the living room.
- Glass walls, eh? - No, dirt floor.
There you are, Gomez.
Darling, I've just had the most marvelous idea about the Digby house.
You know, those big bay windows in the library, I'm going to have them all cemented in, walled up.
You think they'll like that? Mrs.
Digby will.
No window washing.
Gomez, darling, you're going to be so proud of me.
I have an idea for the Digby house that will be my piece de résistance.
French.
Darling, please, later.
Let me tell you my idea first.
- Let me tell you mine.
- Mine comes first.
Oh, that idea.
Now, darling, what is the most wasted space in a house? - The ceiling.
- No, dear, the cellar.
- Of course.
- I've solved it.
I've had Lurch go over to the Digbys' and flood it.
- Flood it? - An indoor swimming pool.
Tish, you've done it! The model American home.
Not yet.
There's still the landscaping.
Yes, the landscaping.
Darling, I want you to see this with your own eyes.
Would you believe it? That garden used to be full of roses and geraniums and unsightly camellias, and, in just one week, Lurch and I did that.
- That's a miracle.
- Thank you, darling.
Beautiful touch, my dear.
Well, when Mrs.
Digby sees all this, I'll have the smelling salts ready.
Darling, there's a car driving up.
It must be the Digbys.
Welcome home.
Digbys! Welcome home.
Well, what do you two think of your little love nest now? What did I tell you? Excellent idea, my dear.
To leave the Digbys in private to savor the beauty of their new home.
I do hope it didn't take Mr.
Digby too long to revive her.
He must be an old hand at it by now.
- Are you expecting anyone, dear? - I certainly am.
A whole parade of people on the Digbys' recommendation.
The Digbys.
- Mrs.
Addams - Please, say no more.
I can read your feelings on your face.
Mrs.
Addams, I can understand some of the things you did to my house, but why? Why a wrecked car right smack in the middle of the living room? I knew that would get them.
You see, I feel that a person's home should reflect their personality.
A wrecked car? Well, that reflects your husband's work in insurance.
Pretty clever.
Did you notice the crushed fenders? That is the original rust on them.
- I think I'm gonna faint again.
- Could you hold it a moment, please? We have a small favor to ask.
Well, I have a bigger favor.
You can take all that stuff But that's just the favor we were going to ask you.
You can take all that That That was the favor you were gonna ask us? Well, it's more in the nature of a sacrifice for your country.
You see, we want to make your home a showplace.
Open it to the public.
It's all part of the national beautification program.
Of course, we insist on your having a profit.
Please, please, anything you say.
It's a deal.
Real Americans, eh, darling? And if there's anything you'd like to keep, why, I'm sure we can replace it.
Oh, well, now, there was just one piece.
I don't know what happened to it.
It was a Sheraton sideboard.
Oh, that.
It was obviously a mistake.
You like that? I thought it was rather, you know, amusing.
- Say no more.
We have a whole atticful.
- It's all yours.
Now, now we can really get to work on your new home.
Just a minute.
- You see, we're planning on leaving town.
- Oh, yeah.
Well, perhaps I can be of some assistance.
- Gomez has interests all over the world.
- He has? Well, there must be one place he doesn't have any interests.
Come to think of it there is one.
Timbuktu.
Funny thing you should mention Timbuktu.
That's just where we're going.
Isn't that strange? Gomez, darling.
Does it strike you as odd that nobody has been inside my model home? They just glance in the door and walk on.
Well, the house is obviously too far ahead of its time.
Frank Lloyd Wright had the same problem.
I don't even think the Digbys appreciated it.
- Nice people, but a bit crude.
- Yes.
That Sheraton sideboard was a dead giveaway.
At least they helped us clean the rest of the stuff out of the attic.
What's the matter, darling? No more sword swallowing? The thought of that Digby house in Timbuktu ruined my appetite.