The Addams Family (1964) s02e24 Episode Script

Ophelia Visits Morticia

They're creepy and they're kooky Mysterious and spooky They're altogether ooky The Addams family The house is a museum When people come to see 'em They really are a scream The Addams family Neat.
So get a witch's shawl on A broomstick you can crawl on We're gonna pay a call on The Addams family Ready, my dear? Clean kills, every one of them.
Why don't we use the good china? Get a much a zippier ping when it shatters.
Darling, that is the good china.
Gomez, I think I've had enough.
Querida, you've been in a blue funk all day.
Perhaps a change of scenery will help.
Why don't we go to a drive-in movie? Gomez, darling, why don't you keep your mind on the problem? - It is, it is.
- No, dear.
I mean my sister Ophelia's problem.
Oh, that problem.
Poor jilted darling.
Her heart must be broken by now.
That Montrose makes the fifth man this year to get away from her.
Sixth! Humphrey was the fifth.
Lucky devil.
Gomez! Let's face it.
Ophelia may be your older sister, but in the school of romance, I'm afraid she's just a dropout.
Well, I admit she is a bit aggressive.
But after all, that's because she has so much to give.
You can say that again.
You remember that fellow Stanislaus she used to date? Well, she gave him a concussion and two broken arms.
And they weren't even going steady.
Well, a girl must keep up with her judo and her karate.
Anyway, I expect her here soon.
And while she's staying with us I do think we should try and lighten her burden.
I shall be the soul of compassion and understanding.
Fester, what are you up to? I'm making you some more skeet targets.
Miss Ophelia.
Oh, you poor girl, what happened? Montrose didn't like that.
Where is my sweet, gentle sister, Morticia? She said she was gonna arrange lunch.
But she may be hiding.
Oh, dear brother-in-law, I am the most miserable of people.
You've got me there.
I think I'll end it all.
I'll tell Morticia there will be one less for lunch.
Gomez! Suicide on an empty stomach? It's very unhealthy.
Ophelia! Uncle Fester, I'm so unhappy.
Oh, you poor kid, what happened? Montrose didn't like that.
He sure must be a weird one.
Darling Ophelia.
Oh, Sister Morticia, I'm so bereft.
Ophelia, it pains to me to see you so unhappy.
What happened? Gomez, dear, this is no time for games.
Come, Ophelia, sit down and tell me all about it.
But skip the judo.
Here you are, Morticia.
I hardly know where to begin.
Well, suppose you start at the beginning.
Gee, Gomez, your shell collection is getting real big.
Uncle Fester, please.
Go ahead, Ophelia.
Well Thank you, Thing.
Don't take it so hard, Ophelia.
This isn't the first time you've been left holding the bag.
Uncle Fester, that will be quite enough! I had the most divine ceremony planned.
The canopy was going to be gray wolf bane with accents of water lilies, wilted.
You always did have an eye for decorating.
We were going to take a three-week honeymoon cruise on the African Queen.
By george, the man must be mad, not sticking around for a fun time like that.
He didn't even say goodbye.
All I got was a telegram saying he was joining the Peace Corps and going to the Arctic Circle.
Nice country.
That thing had a hurricane building up inside of it.
I don't see what's so funny.
Pray forgive me, Uncle Fester.
It just suddenly occurred to me how much you look like my dear Montrose.
In fact, you two could be twins.
The Peace Corps.
Imagine that precious tub of lard getting into the Peace Corps.
A fine way to talk about your uncle! As if the Peace Corps wouldn't jump at a chance to have me join.
No, Uncle Fester, Ophelia wasn't talking about you.
There may have been certain similarities between you and her description of Montrose.
- But I don't think - Sure.
If she was laughing at Montrose, she was laughing at me and my chances of getting into the Peace Corps.
Well, let me tell you something.
There is great big world out there just begging for a chance to use my brains and talent.
And to prove it, I am joining the Peace Corps.
- I'm - Uncle Fester! I think it's wonderful.
- What? This? - Yes.
No, I mean, your joining the Peace Corps.
Maybe you could find my Montrose for me.
He's my true, true love.
Uncle Fester.
Think of all the help you could give to people in other countries.
After all, who knows more about building moats and drawbridges than you? Say no more, my dear.
An old school chum of mine is a bigwig in Washington.
I'll give him a call and get the ball rolling.
Congratulations, old man, you're as good as in.
Can I look now? I'm dying of curiosity.
Not yet.
It's you, but something's missing.
Did you get my daisies? Oh, yes, especially the ones growing in your head.
Oh, hi.
I'm making a study schedule for my Peace Corps exams next week, and you girls promised to help me.
So, now let's see.
I've got from 10:00 to 11:00 open and from 5:00 till 6:00.
Which shall I put you down for, Morticia? I feed my plants from 10:00 to 11:00.
Oh, dear.
I generally weed my head from 10:00 to 11:00.
But I guess I could rearrange my day.
Swell! With you girls helping me, I'm a cinch to pass.
I feel a weed growing up there.
Oh, I'll get it.
That's a daisy.
Very deep roots.
Oh, sorry.
There, got it! Thank you, Uncle Fester.
You are a dear.
Yeah, I guess there's just no use fighting it.
You know something, Morticia? That ice really captures Ophelia's warm personality.
All right now.
"The examination will cover general and specific topics.
"And you will be required "to answer questions based on a wide field of knowledge.
"Now, the following are typical examples of questions that may be asked.
" Are you ready? - Shoot.
- All right, here we go.
"What is the first aid treatment for a snake bite?" Oh, that's a cinch.
You take the snake and wrap him in a nice warm blanket so he won't go into shock.
- Right? - It certainly is.
But that's not the answer they have here.
I can't understand how they'd slip up on a misprint like this.
Maybe that's an old book.
Try another question.
All right.
"The Peace Corps mission is to make friends.
"Now, what would you do "if you were invited to a feast in a native village "and were served such local delicacies "as sautéed bat wings, "brisket of warthog and sweet and sour scorpion stew?" I wouldn't touch it with a 10-foot pole.
Whoever heard of mixing sautéed bat wings and brisket of warthog? Ready for the next question, Uncle Fester? Just as soon as I get this nice and tight.
And I wanna thank you for taking time off to help me study.
There! All right, Wednesday, shoot.
"Many of the countries low below the equator "where the average rainfall exceeds "what would you consider the people's greatest need?" Umbrellas.
Oh, Uncle Fester.
Canoes? Now the swing shift is here.
I'll take over, Wednesday.
Thank you.
Now, Uncle Fester, this is very, very tricky.
You have to make sure that all these pegs fit into their proper holes.
Oh, yeah, we had one of these things around here before.
And you have 45 seconds to do it in.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, this is fun.
Anything that comes easily is fun, dear.
All right.
Hey, that's a toughie.
Oh, thank you, Thing.
Perfect! 45 seconds exactly.
However, Thing did help you with that last one.
Oh, don't worry.
When I take the test, I'll bring my own mallet.
I was truly magnificent.
I bogeyed the fourth, seventh and ninth holes.
I sliced in the quicksand on the 12th.
I evaded Mama's alligator on the 14th, and I got a birdie on the 18th.
I think it was a hawk.
It was flying too high to be sure.
Just think, last year you were a rank amateur.
It's perseverance.
Where's Fester? I haven't seen him around much since he started studying for that Peace Corps exam.
He's in training.
Dear, dear Uncle Fester, that's what I like.
Always one step ahead of me.
One step ahead of you? I got one foot in the grave.
Now, now.
You have to get into the Peace Corps so you can find my Montrose.
So, on with our pushups.
Now then.
"Legs straight, "arms bent at the side, "head down, "246 times.
" Oh, that's my mistake.
That's the page number.
Got to get you nice and firm.
Straighten up.
And one.
We'll have to find some exercises for that ground.
It needs firming up, too.
Now blow on it first, Cleopatra, it's a very hot pizza.
That's mother's baby.
Morticia, have you seen Fester? It's time for his vitamin shot.
I think he's with Ophelia.
You silly girl.
You'll get tomato sauce all over his jacket.
You know, dear, she really has a thing for you.
I think she needs a soul mate.
Capital idea.
I'll call my office in Nairobi, have them send over a male African strangler.
Cleopatra, you're a real flirt.
A true Addams.
Well, gotta find Fester.
Fester! Fester! Fester! Zounds! Looks like I'll have to cut down on the dosage.
Addams here.
- Washington calling? - Gomez, darling Simpson on the phone from Washington.
Just spoke to the Peace Corps about Fester.
Simpson, have they decided yet where they want to assign him? Yes.
Yes, I see.
Well, thanks for the old college try, Simpson.
What's the matter, darling? Where are they going to send him? Nowhere.
They were impressed.
As a matter of fact, the staff psychologist said he wished that Fester would commit himself for five or ten years.
Imagine that.
Darling, then why aren't they going to send him anywhere? Well, it seems there's no country in the world ready at the present time to accept Fester's talents.
Uncle Fester is rather advanced.
Oh, dear, this is going to come as quite a blow to Ophelia as well.
Well, I'd better tell him now.
No sense in him getting into condition for nothing.
Wait a minute, darling, I have an idea.
You know how proud and independent Uncle Fester is.
Yes, he'll be crushed when he finds out they don't need him.
So we must make him feel he's more needed here at home.
Make it his decision not to go into the Peace Corps.
Capital idea! We can't tell Ophelia either.
You know how eager she is for him to find her Montrose.
I'll talk to her later.
Fester won't be difficult.
He's a level-headed fellow.
And I know just how to handle it.
You look a little distressed, Gomez.
Going to end it all.
Is something wrong? Well, I might as well tell you, Fester, I'm ruined, wiped out.
That's impossible! You're worth a fortune.
Was, was, Fester.
I was worth a fortune.
But now I'm just another member of the Great Society.
Well, only last week you bought a railroad and an airline and a skateboard factory.
Yes, I was known all along Wall Street as the go-go magnate.
Now it's all gone, gone, gone, gone! There's only one way, Fester.
I can make sure Morticia and the children and the rest of the family will have something.
I hope that insurance premium check doesn't bounce.
Goodbye, Fester.
You can have my trains, blasting caps.
Oh, gee, thanks.
For a minute there I was sorry to see you go.
Fester, Fester, what about the children? Don't worry about them.
They can play with the trains all they want.
Fester, Fester, children must have a father.
There must There must be some way, some way out.
Someone, someone with a computer, a computer for a brain.
A cold, ruthless financial wizard might turn the tables.
Where? Where can I find someone like that? - You're looking at him.
- You? It's not for nothing that they call me gold finger.
But, gee, that'd mean I'd lose the trains and the blasting caps.
I'll buy you the trains and the blasting caps.
Well, in that case Morticia, your paintings.
May I have a match please? You're gonna burn them? I tried calling the trash man, but he doesn't pick up on Fridays.
Well, in that case But, Morticia, these are your masterpieces.
They somehow seem so meaningless.
I seem to have lost contact with my creative soul.
Yeah, so I see.
But then, every great painter goes through a dry spell.
If only I had some new challenge.
A stimulating model perhaps.
A new model? - You found him.
- You? Uncle Fester, that's it.
Don't move.
But, Morticia, I've been so busy helping Gomez get back on his feet.
Why, only yesterday I told him to buy, buy, buy.
Buy, buy, buy? Yeah, I meant sell, sell, sell.
But it was too late.
He bought and it went up and You see, he needs me.
Oh, yes.
And besides, the Peace Corps will be yelling for me very soon.
But, Uncle Fester, I need you so desperately, too.
You and the world.
Maybe I can squeeze you in.
Uncle Fester, you are an angel.
An angel! That's it.
Uncle Fester, you've done it again.
I can feel my creative juices surging through my veins.
That's wonderful, Morticia, but I I think I better come down now.
My creative juices aren't doing so well.
Just this final touch.
Gomez is asleep up in the tower, but I know he'll be thrilled when he sees this.
Hold it, hold it just a moment.
Tish, you spoke French.
Will you please get me down? Darling, please, the rope.
Yes, the rope.
- Hurry, bubele.
- Bubele.
That name! Fester, dear, are you all right? I'm okay, but Look at my bugle.
Hey, what do you know? It's back in tune again.
This is the most important decision I have ever made.
But I've made it.
I've decided not to join the Peace Corps.
- I'll answer the door.
- Lurch'll get the door.
What about my Montrose? You promised you'd get him back for me.
So I did.
Okay, the Peace Corps.
How will I get along without your financial advice? That's true.
Okay, I'm out.
You mean I'm doomed to a life of spinsterhood? I'm in again.
Uncle Fester, you're my sole inspiration.
I'm out again.
I want my Montrose.
I'm in and out.
Gentleman for Miss Ophelia.
- Montrose! - Baby! I sure missed that.
Montrose, my love.
Home at last.
How could I ever leave the only woman who told me how I reminded her of Richard Burton? Richard Burton? Never! You know who he reminds me of? James Bond.
Thank you, Thing, that's much better.
By george, Morticia, this picture you painted on the head of a pin is a dandy.
Thank you, darling.
I know how much you enjoy those battle scenes.
Gomez, would you come outside and help me hang up this sign? Sign? What for? Well, it seems a shame to waste all that wonderful physical training I got.
So I'm gonna open up my own Peace Corps physical fitness center.
That's very good thinking, Uncle Fester.
But doesn't the Peace Corps have a training program of their own? What do I care? I got my first student without even putting up the sign.
Wonderful! Who's your new student? You rang? One more.