The Adventures Of Puss In Boots (2015) s01e14 Episode Script

Pigs

1 El Gato! 1x14 - "Pigs" Yes, leche.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah Hello, kitty cat.
Hello, Reaper.
Is it my time? Let me just gather my boots.
Don't be silly, Puss.
This is no reaper.
It's my Sino puppet, for the festival! The festival? What festival? El Festival de San Lorenzo! Every year the whole town comes together to celebrate well, us! Oh, there's music and dancing, and hugging.
Yay! It's the greatest day of the year just after Christmas, my birthday, and Tuesdays! This festival, it sounds most pleasant.
Also, could you please stop dancing on me? My pancreas thanks you.
Now, this festival, tell me everything.
There's dancing! And a parade! And water to wash yourself with.
And here's the big news! This year the town has decided to honor you as San Lorenzan of the Year! Yes! I mean I accept.
Yay! El Festival is coming! I'm okay.
Now, the trick to good macramé is that you have to have literally no other interests.
Dulcinea, I have prepared a speech for the festival.
"People of San Lor" "People of San Lorenzo, I am humbled by this honor.
But not that humbled, of course, as you are correct in awarding it to me, since I am the single greatest adventurer who ever lived, or ever will live in the entire universe, everywhere.
" Puss, don't you think that sounds a bit self-centered? The festival is for all of us, not just you.
If it is not for me, then why did the orphans do that? Looking good, Esme.
Well, sure, they built a Puss float because they adore you, but Yes, they do.
I am their favorite person, and nothing will ever change that.
Ever.
Of this I am certain.
Perfect.
It is only safe to hold this festival because I have done such a fine job defending the town.
See? "Days Since Last Villain: six.
" A new record! Well, I suppose you are the one being honored.
Yes, I am.
And as honoree, I ask only one thing.
And what is that, Señor Puss? That we dance! Puss in Boots! Show yourself! Puss in Boots! Who dares shout my name in an aggressive fashion? What up, player? It's me, Brandt.
- Where's the love, bro? - Back, villain! I have defeated you before, and will do it again.
Okay.
I know the last time I was here, I stole stuff and you had to kick my butt, but, I swear, I'm not here to do bad guy junk this time.
And why should I believe your lying lies? This is hard for me to admit, but I need your help.
I need your help real bad! - More lies! - I don't want to fight you, bro! Ah! There's this evil wizard! He put my brothers under a spell! He made them kick me out of the ninja posse! You must think I was born yesterday.
Well, I have some news for you, buddy.
It was many days earlier.
Dude, look into my face-eyes and tell me I'm lying.
I will look into your face-eyes, but know this, no one can hide a lie from Puss in Boots.
Come at me, bra.
Hmm.
A wizard put my brothers under a spell, bro.
You are not lying.
- So, you'll help me? - No.
Why not? You are a thief, you disrupted my festival, and you ruined my no-villains streak! Okay.
All right.
I get it.
I know when I'm not wanted.
I guess I'll just go eat some garbage because nobody cares about stupid old me.
- Brandt? - Huh? Oh.
Uh, hey, Tobes.
What's up? Yeah, allergies are the worst, am I right? I-I guess so.
So, I am super in need of a place to crash.
- Cool if I bunk with you? - I don't know.
You were pretty mean to me the last time I saw you.
No, I wasn't.
Okay.
Want to stay with me at the orphanage? Thank you, Toby.
Yay! Woo! Yeah, yeah, whoo-a! Wow, look at those moves! You could learn a thing or two from him, Puss.
I dislike that pig.
- Toby! Toby! Toby! Toby! Toby! - Yay! Yeehaw! And that's how it's done! Ta-da! - Holy smokes! - Wow! I've seen better.
No, I haven't! That was awesome and we all know it! The rope burns my legs! Yeah? Well, it's gonna be even awesomer when I save my brothers from that evil wizard.
It's gonna be like Just like that! 'Cause my brothers are the coolest guys I know.
- See? - Whoa! See how awesome we are? I super miss those guys.
Oh, and that little scribble is Toby.
I'm a scribble! Hey, Toby, how come you never told us your brother was so swell? 'Cause my little bro's got a tiny widdle brain.
Ain't that right, bro? It tickles! Here's a thought.
Maybe you guys could be my new posse and help me save my old posse, huh? Sounds swell! Count us in! Awesome! New posse, sound off! I went potty.
Ew! What was I thinking? You guys could never replace my brothers! No posse for the Brandt-man.
Uck! Eww! That apple tastes like apple.
I hate apple! Ugh! That one, too.
What's the deal? Brandt, you have to throw that in the garbage! Say what? I got an important lesson for you kids.
You should always throw your trash on the floor, because that way, someone else has to deal with it.
Wow, mister, you sure are smart.
It's like all the books in the world are inside your face! I wanna try! Whee! You see, small children, when you're as great as I am, you get to do whatever you want.
Whoa! Now, who wants to see Toby fight whatever's in this bucket? - Yeah! Yeah! - I do! I do! My brother You are a pig that is my brother And I love you like a brother Because you are a pig that is my brother Yeah Yeah, I wrote that.
It's about my brothers.
No big.
It's just, I'm lonely without my bros.
You're the only one who understands me.
Anyway, guitar solo! Why must everyone who comes to the town bring an instrument? This is worse than the gobflute! Good morning! It is Brandt! - We're working on the float.
- And I'm helping.
Ain't it the best float ya ever seen? Brandt is my new favorite person.
Did you know that we want to honor Brandt at the festival? Yeah.
You totally should.
Puss! You! Ow! Ow! Ow! You will not steal my festival or my orphans.
'Sup, Brojangles? I have decided that I will do as you have asked.
I will help save your brothers from the wizard.
Dude, nice! Under one condition! That you never set foot in San Lorenzo again and stop teaching the children to do terrible things, like throw apples and admire you! Doneskies! Good.
We leave at once.
Yes! Mama, mama, mama, mama! Mama, mama, mama, mama Please, could you shriek more quietly? These woods are filled with bandits.
Sorry, bro.
Once the song train gets rolling, it can't be stopped.
Oh, mama, mama, mama, mama! Mama, mama, mama, mama Mama, mama, mama, mama, mama! Halt! You are trespassing! Halt! You are trespassing on our territory! And who might you be? We are the Masked Bandits of This Section of the Forest! That is shockingly literal.
Yeah.
Why don't you just call yourselves, "The Bandits Where Two Guys Can See and One Guy Can't"? Whoa! How dare you mock our sacred name? Bandits, attack! Follow my lead! No! It is you who will follow my lead! Dude, that's like asking me to eat my own mouth.
Can't do it.
No way.
Is someone eating their own mouth? En garde! Come at me, bra.
Look at him! He is ridiculous! I don't know, he looks pretty cool to me.
Okay, look out.
I got you now.
What's happening? Are we winning? Yes, you won.
You have taken all of our money and we are dead.
Yay! Let him have his moment of happiness.
You're a good guy, bro.
We won! We won! Brandt, you fought well back there.
You, too, bro.
Hey, you remember that part where that one bandit was all That was amusing.
Or how about the part where I did this? And the bandit, he made the noise of a dying bird! Yeah.
Good times.
Are you thinking what I am thinking? Sing and ride? Precisely! Male bonding We're bonding and we're male We are two men becoming friends Amigos nose to tail Male bonding We're bonding now, of course We are not gals, we are pals Till we fall off this horse We used to hate each other Like oil and vinegar But now we are like brothers Salad dressing is what we are What we are Male bonding We're bonding now, of course We are not gals, but we are pals Till we fall off this horse Till we fall off this horse! I think all of the bones have become broken.
Look! We're here! My brothers' secret lair.
Wait.
We must tread carefully.
Yeah.
- That is a big wizard.
- We can take him.
On the count of three.
One, two three.
Show yourself, wizard! Go ahead.
Get it.
Go ahead.
Get after it now.
Get it.
All right, now.
Hey, dude-bro, gimme a sec.
Just blasting my pecs.
We've got to get you out of here before the wizard comes back! - Brandt, what are you doing here? - Savin' you from the wizard.
What wizard? Duh! The wizard that put a spell on you and forced you to throw me out of the posse! Pardon me.
Hi.
Hello.
Puss in Boots.
I was told there was a wizard situation here? Yeah! Where's he hidin' at? How many times do we have to tell you, there's no wizard, Brandt.
There's no spell.
Nobody forced us to kick you out.
We kicked you out because you're a self-centered jerk, who only thinks about himself.
Wait, I get it.
A wizard didn't make you throw me out.
Exactly.
It was a witch! Show yourself, witch! Dude, I cannot make this any clearer.
We do not like you! You're not making any sense, bra.
How can you not like me when you obviously totally like me? Get off of me.
Tickle him! Tickle him hard! Enough! Listen to me.
You need to give Brandt a second chance.
Are you insane? You've spent time with him, right? He's the worst! Yesterday I would have agreed with you.
But now I can stand beside this pig and honestly say that we are friendlyish.
You know what? This moment calls for a rousing speech.
I have one that I believe can be adjusted to fit.
"People of San Lor" Ahhh.
"Pigs of this cave.
Brandt is humbled by this honor.
But not that humbled, of course, as you are correct in awarding it to Brandt.
Since Brandt is the single greatest Brandt who ever lived, and Brandt" sounds a little self-centered.
Maybe Brandt needs to apologize to Dulcinea.
I mean to you.
Dude, that speech was, like, all good and junk.
You should be our leader! We could use that kind of brain power.
Raise the average up a scooch.
What? I'm getting my lunch back.
That is very kind, but no.
Brandt is your rightful leader.
Hey, I'm the boss here, and I say you're the boss here! No, thank you.
Tell you what.
You guys can duke it out.
If Brandt wins, we'll take him back.
But if you beat him, then you got to be our leader forever.
And if I say no? I acce Cat vs.
pig, 37 rounds or until someone's heart explodes.
Extra points for making the other guy cry.
Anyone got questions? And fight! Psst I will let you win.
I can't fight you, bro.
We bonded today.
I cannot deny this, but all you have to do is hit me once.
I will fall down, and your brothers will take you back.
Dude, no way.
We're bros now.
And bros don't let bros hit bros, bro.
Fight! Fight! Fight! It is our only chance.
Now, come on! Hit me! - No! - Yes! No way.
Yes! - No.
- Hit me.
- No.
- Come on.
Hit me.
No.
No.
Hey, wait.
What's this? - Brandt drew these.
- It's us.
This is that time we raided that one village! And this is when we beat up that one dude, you know, with the face! And this is when we lived inside a heart.
It smelled like meat.
Dude, he really does care about us! - Hit me.
- No.
- Yes.
- No.
He loved us.
And we threw him out like an apple! This is for your own good.
No, I don't want to! Wait! Brandt, we were wrong about you.
I'm so sorry.
You're our bro, and sometimes a bro can forget who his bros really are! But now I know.
You are.
You are my bro.
Am I saying "bro" too much, bro? My brother You are a pig that is my brother And I love you like a brother Because you are a pig That is my Brother Bros? Bros! I'm so sorry, bro! I missed you, bro.
Bro, bro.
Okay.
All right.
Bros.
I'm leaving now.
Goodbye.
Hey! Thanks, Puss.
I present to you our San Lorenzan of the Year, Puss in Boots! My friends, I had prepared a speech all about myself, but I spent a day with the most self-centered person in existence.
And even he knows who his bros are.
And so do I.
This festival is about all of you, not me.
For you are all, each and every one of you, my bros.
Thank you for accepting me into your town and into your hearts.
Hit it, Artephius! A-one, and a-two, and a-one-five-Q-fish! May I have this dance? You may, bro.
Whoa! Let's dance! - Whoa.
- Oh! Oh! Ohh.
Oh.