The Adventures Of Puss In Boots (2015) s04e05 Episode Script
Written By
[cat purrs, meows.]
[fast, lively flamenco music playing.]
[screams.]
[giggles.]
[Puss yowling.]
El Gato! [yowls.]
4x05 - Written By [suspenseful music playing.]
Ha-ha! You will take that! [groans.]
[all grunting.]
And that! And you will take this! [groans.]
[shouts, grunts.]
[screaming.]
[grunts, groans.]
Ha-ha! [grunts.]
[straining.]
[screaming.]
Thief in the corner barrel.
[chuckles.]
[both grunt.]
[groaning.]
[thief.]
Now you are just showing off! You have not learned your lesson.
I'm sorry.
Was there a lesson with the butt-kicking? En garde.
[Puss.]
Yah-ha! [grunting.]
[all screaming.]
[grunts.]
[whimpers, screams.]
[exclaiming.]
[Puss yowling.]
[groans.]
[neighs.]
[grunts.]
[gasps, groans.]
[all groaning.]
[thief.]
What were we supposed to learn from this? The usual.
No thieving, be nice to orphans, no littering.
The things you were supposed to have learned in Dulcinea's school.
[whistles.]
Come, Babieca.
Let us leave these degenerates.
Back to San Lorenzo! [neighs.]
[Puss.]
Hyah! We should not have to take this kind of abuse from Puss in Boots! Yeah.
We have to put a stop to this.
Say, let's put a bounty on Puss's head.
A thousand reales to whomever takes him out! [all laughing wickedly.]
And not to a fancy dinner! [laughs.]
Not to a fancy dinner, right? - Definitely not.
- Why would you think that? [chuckles.]
Ugh! This crown infuriates me mit its insouciance! Oh, think, Uli.
Did you ever hear anything about the Crown of Souls during your time in the What was it called? Ancient and Horrible Order of the Bloodwolf? I was never in this thing.
Oh! You mean the Ancient und Terrible Order of das Blutwolf! [chuckles.]
What a comical error you have made.
[laughs hysterically.]
But nein.
All I know is that it may be able to defeat das Blutwolf when used by The One from the Great Prophecy! Und here he is.
Good day, amigos.
I have had much success dispensing lessons at the Thieves' Market.
So, have you figured out what the crown does? Oh, we sure have.
Wonderful.
Tell me at once.
Oh.
You meant literally.
No, no, we've been entirely unsuccessful.
Zero successes.
Even with the gem in place, it doesn't seem to do anything.
Get a job, freeloader! [grunts.]
[clanging.]
I'm usually really good at figuring out how things work.
Hang on.
I know who would know how the Crown of Souls works.
Miguel A.
Andante.
Umm, the author of The Wee Compendium of Facts and Fun? Yeesh.
Read a book.
This one.
Why would the author of a silly book of children's rhymes know about the Crown of Souls? Because the book is where we found out about the gem.
I bet Miguel knows all kinds of useful stuff.
We have to go find him.
Are you sure this is not just an excuse for you to go meet your favorite author? [gasps.]
Why would you think that? All I care about is figuring out how the Crown of Souls works.
And then, if we have the time, maybe telling him that I love him and he's the best author ever, and oh, oh, oh, I really want to meet him, Puss! Dulcinea, seeking the advice of a children's author is a silly plan.
As opposed to my plan: yelling at the crown until it talks.
Tell us what you know! Do it now! [grunts.]
Ha-ha! Yeah, good luck with that, Puss.
Oh, you think I'm angry now, Crown? Wait till you see what I am like if I do not have my afternoon leche! [yowls.]
Oh, it's so exciting! I bet Miguel's in a big mansion with an amazing library full of books! And he'll give me all kinds of nifty advice about how to live my life better.
Oh, what a wonderful and kind person Miguel is, in my mind, and therefore also in real life.
Oh.
Whee! [Dulcinea gasps.]
[eerie music playing.]
What? This shack can't be his house.
Maybe it's the servants' quarters? [clears throat.]
Oh.
[clears throat.]
Hello, good sir, and how are you? I'm obsessed with everything you do! Oh, hello Oh! Hmm.
Oh, hello I'm looking for Mr.
[grumbles.]
[door creaking.]
I have urgent business I need to discuss with the famous author Miguel A.
Andante.
Ugh.
That book.
I know, right? Greatest book ever written So, is Miguel here? It's pronounced "Miguela.
" [laughs.]
Umm, I think I know how to pronounce my hero's name.
[laughs.]
It's A misprint.
One teensy mistake and "Miguela Andante" turns into "Miguel A.
Andante.
" Wait, so, you're [chuckles.]
Excuse me.
Miguel is Miguela, Miguela wrote the book.
Carry the one [gasping.]
[Dulcinea.]
Oh, my goodness! You wrote the book! Oh, Mr Oh, I mean, Ms.
Andante.
You're my favorite author.
I've read your book cover-to-cover a thousand times! [screams.]
[door creaks.]
[Dulcinea grunts.]
You're my hero.
[sighs.]
But what are you doing in this cluttered old shack? Lighting the fireplace to keep the pests out.
Isn't it obvious? You can't just come right into a total stranger's cluttered old shack! Oh, I didn't mean it in a disrespectful way.
"Though over the wide world you roam, wherever you get stuck is home.
" The wisdom of the book.
Did you really just quote my own book to me? Uh-huh.
I do it all the time.
I've based my whole life on it.
Look, cat, you seem great.
And by "great," I mean "imbalanced.
" [sighs.]
Sorry, that came out wrong.
What I meant was, "Get out of my house and never come back!" [laughs.]
Oh, this is so us.
So, the reason I came here today is that I was hoping you could tell me something about the Crown of Souls, which you mention on page 572 of your book.
You see, my town is in grave danger and Not interested! Do I look like the kind of person who should be helping people? Oh.
But you wrote the book.
Look, kid, let's be serious.
That book is the worst thing that's ever been written.
It's literally garbage.
What's that? Oh.
[chuckles.]
It sounded like you said the book is Literally garbage.
"Garbage"? [sighs.]
Did you know that you look depressed? [sighs.]
It is Dulcinea.
I cannot explain it, but I feel that something has gone horribly wrong.
Also, between you and me [grunts.]
my plan to yell at the Crown of Souls until it talks has yielded no results.
Did you know that crowns don't have ears? Or mouths? Or brains? Or [muffled.]
You are right.
This is no time for inaction.
I will go save Dulcinea from whatever cruel fate has befallen her.
Thank you, Vina, for helping me realize this.
I go! Did you know that I didn't do anything? [eerie, suspenseful music playing.]
How can you say you don't like your own words? You wrote them.
Open your eyes! That book is a joke! I wrote it as a cash grab.
A way to make a quick buck.
You don't mean that.
I was a best-selling author until I wrote it.
Everybody said self-help books were easy money, so I banged one out.
And do you know how many copies it sold? [yells.]
One! [gasps.]
One copy.
Worst-selling book in history.
After that, I couldn't get published anywhere.
I was ruined! Ruined! It wasn't the book's fault! I wish I'd never written that filthy thing.
[gasps.]
No.
No, no, no, no.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! And if you've based your entire life on it, then every decision you've ever made in your whole life is wrong! And bad! And dumb! [grunts.]
[whimpering.]
That isn't true! Oh, I have had enough of you.
Get out of my house.
[growls.]
No! Not until you apologize.
Apologize? You're the one that broke into my house with this book full of fiddlefuff! What did you say? What? Fiddlefuff? As in, "That book is fiddlefuff"? Ugh.
This is my shack, and I'll say whatever I want.
Fiddlefuff, fiddlefuff, fiddlefuff! Fiddlefuff, fiddlefuff, fiddlefuff! Fiddlefuff, fiddlefuff, fiddlefuff, fiddlefuff, fiddlefuff, fiddlefuff Do I look like the kind of person who should be helping people? Look, kid, that book is the worst thing that's ever been written.
That book is a joke! Open your eyes! It's literally garbage! Garbage! Garbage! [screaming.]
Oh, fiddlefuff.
[Dulcinea shouts.]
[screaming, grunting.]
[clattering.]
[sniffing.]
Do not fear, Dulcinea.
I am on my way to rescue you.
Also, I understand that it is unlikely that you can hear me.
But still.
Oh, my, oh, my, oh, my.
Oh, my gosh.
What have I done? What have I done? Miguela, this is so unlike me.
Oh, help me.
You're the wisest person I know.
What should I do? You should untie me.
Right now.
I should untie you.
Good idea.
Oh, it'll be like this never happened.
Eh, don't beat yourself up about it.
This is what I get for writing a stupid book.
Stupid fans.
It's not a stupid book! It's your crowning achievement.
The greatest artistic work ever produced by anyone ever! In fact, it's so good, you should write a sequel.
[gasping excitedly.]
Oh, my gosh, you're gonna write a sequel! What? Don't you see? The universe sent me here today to help you start writing again.
It's fate! This is rapidly becoming my least favorite day ever.
[man with heavy accent.]
Puss in-a the Boots! My name is a-Silvio, and I'm a big fan.
Which is why I'm-a gonna be so sad when I cut you in two, ah? Ha! I would like to see you a-try.
[man 2 with accent.]
Silvio not-a gonna cut you in two.
A-Giuseppe is! [laughs.]
[all grunting.]
And your accents are so charming! [straining.]
Ha-ha! I am guessing you are not from around here.
No, we come from-a far away just to fight you and-a make-a mama proud.
Oh, Mama.
Then fight we shall! [both scream, grunt.]
For Mama! [both groan.]
Look at this cat! [both grunt.]
But tell me this.
What are a couple of out-of-town thieves such as yourselves doing in these woods? Hmm? [both groan.]
I really should learn to ask questions first, knock thieves unconscious second.
Huh? Hmm.
A bounty on my head? [excitedly.]
A bounty on my head! Huzzah! Unconscious thieves, do you realize what this means? Getting a bounty put on one's head is one of the four pillars of heroism.
There is kissing a princess, defeating a skeleton army, getting a bounty put on one's head by outlaws, and never acting like a dog.
Oh, untie me, you hateful harpy! Uh-uh-uh, naughty-naughty.
"Though cruel names you may call a friend, you'll sure regret it in the end.
" The wisdom of the book.
No! Spare me those horrible rhymes.
They're so trite.
So childish.
You don't really like them, do you? No.
I love 'em! Everyone does! Oh.
Look, this is one of my favorites.
"When life has thrown you for a loop, just make yourself some nice hot soup!" [humming.]
That makes zero sense.
I clearly put absolutely no effort into writing that thing.
Then it should be super easy to write the sequel.
Go ahead and start rhyming.
Whenever you're ready.
Never.
I will never write another rhyme again as long as I live! Hmm.
[suspenseful music playing.]
[gasping, straining.]
[chuckles.]
What are you gonna do with that? [laughs.]
[screams.]
[chuckles.]
There we go.
Can't have you falling over.
And now, some soup! Just like the book says, hot, tasty soup! Oh, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum! The secret ingredient is friendship.
And after I spoon-feed you, we'll write lots and lots of rhymes together.
[laughing maniacally.]
I'm-a gonna claim-a the bounty and-a buy my mama a new black veil, so she can mourn-a my papi even better! [thieves laughing maliciously.]
While this newfound fame is quite flattering, that is a lot of thieves.
- Write.
- No.
- Do it.
- No! Take the quill.
Take it and write.
Just do it.
Do it! Do it now! Do it now! [muffled shouts.]
Paper! Now, write! [laughing maniacally.]
Oh.
[chuckles.]
Oh, there you go.
Isn't writing fun? It's so fun.
Oh, we're such good friends having such good times! Enough! You know, for someone who claims to love my book so much, you sure don't act like it.
What do you mean? I'm your biggest fan.
I do everything the book says! Oh, really? "While we may like to have our druthers, it's wrong to force our will on others.
" Oh, oh, I'm not forcing my will on anyone.
Oh, I'm just trying to help you! "Though helping's what friends try to do, they're capable of hurting too.
" [gasps.]
Gasp! She just called me her friend! "Crazy is as crazy does, no matter what your intentions was.
" The wisdom of the book.
Oh, my goodness.
You're right.
I have been crazy.
Also, is that grammatically correct? No! It's what you get when you write an entire book in a weekend.
Now, stop this madness! [mournful chuckle.]
Your book has meant so much to me in my life.
It's been a comfort, it's been an inspiration.
And the thought of someone like you wasting all of her talent I guess it was just too much for me to handle.
[groans.]
I mean, I suppose it's flattering that something I wrote could be so influential to a person that she'd literally tie me to a chair and hold me prisoner in my own house.
It's what every young author dreams of.
But you're a rare and loony bird, Dulcinea.
My book could never affect anyone else the way it did you.
That's not true.
Your words would affect anyone who heard them.
You're wrong about that, Whiskers.
Today's world doesn't want poetry or sentiment.
They just want action.
Action, all the time! People bursting in doors with swords and shouting [door slams open.]
Hmm? Dulcinea! See what I mean? Puss? Hello, Dulcinea.
I have come to save you.
Oh, look, you are fine.
How wonderful.
Shall we go now? Save me? But I'm perfectly fine.
[thief.]
Puss in-a the Boots! Puss, what did you do? Got a bounty put on my head, which, I have learned, is not the fun time it is cracked up to be.
Now, wait inside while I deny these gentlemen their bounty.
Oh, mamma-mia! This is a-taking forever! [chuckles.]
Okay, who's first? [screaming.]
[grunts, groans.]
[all grunting, screaming.]
[gasps.]
[exclaims.]
[groans.]
Whoa! [Puss yowls.]
Yes! [grunting.]
[both grunt.]
[Puss groaning.]
[straining.]
Chicolini, you did-a real good.
Now, I take him off-a your hands and I bring him back-a to the Thieves' Market.
Uno minuto, Silvio.
Why you get-a to take him, huh? Me, I'm-a thinking that I a-get to take him! You try to take him, I'm-a break-a you face! Hey! What about a-me, Chicolini? - Or-a me? A-Francesco! - Orvieto! It really is a beautiful language.
Should we do something? Nah, probably not, right? Doing nothing sounds way easier than doing something.
I have to help him.
"Even if it means a fight, we must always do what's right.
" The wisdom of the book.
Your book.
[groans.]
- [thief 1.]
Bravo! - [thief 2.]
Bravo! [Puss straining.]
[Dulcinea.]
Capo Ferro! [groans.]
Hi-yah! [gasps.]
[thieves laughing.]
[Miguela.]
"Hearken, bandits, - strong and bold.
" - [thieves.]
Huh? "A crucial truth, you'll now be told.
Although you trade in brawn and might, you may still choose to do what's right.
It's wrong that no one ever asks what kindness hides behind those masks.
For sure as there's a sky above" [sniffling, weeping.]
- "you each are capable of love.
" - [thief.]
Aww.
[thieves sniffling, crying.]
[kisses.]
Mama's still got it.
[sobbing.]
Strega scrittore, she speak-a the rhyming truth! [sobs.]
I got-a the love in my heart.
I no wanna chop-a nobody up! [all wailing.]
Miguela, you saved our lives.
With the power of your words.
Yes.
That was very impressive stuff.
The bandits were certainly moved by it.
[sniffles.]
Allergies.
Incidentally, I'm Puss in Boots.
Couldn't care less.
- Gah! - Oh, thank you, Miguela.
Thank you.
Nope.
Not ready to be held against my will by you again just yet.
So, did you learn all the information we need about the Crown of Souls? Oh.
Right.
The crown.
Umm, actually, I guess I got a little too distracted letting Miguela know how I'm her number one fan.
Truth is, everything in the Wee Compendium about the Crown of Souls, I totally stole from another book.
Which is in my library.
In my former house.
The mansion.
From before I lost all my money.
And that mansion is now occupied by a horrible monster.
Excellent.
So, we shall simply go to this mansion and retrieve the book.
Easy-peasy, offshore-breezy.
Did you hear the thing I just said about the horrible monster? Nope.
Oh, wait.
Yes, I did.
Hmm.
Oh, another monster? Well, Capo Ferro! [chuckles.]
Capo Ferro.
Ooh, and while we're on our way to fight this monster, we can help Miguela start writing her new book! [Miguela.]
Don't push it, Crazy.
[fast, lively flamenco music playing.]
[screams.]
[giggles.]
[Puss yowling.]
El Gato! [yowls.]
4x05 - Written By [suspenseful music playing.]
Ha-ha! You will take that! [groans.]
[all grunting.]
And that! And you will take this! [groans.]
[shouts, grunts.]
[screaming.]
[grunts, groans.]
Ha-ha! [grunts.]
[straining.]
[screaming.]
Thief in the corner barrel.
[chuckles.]
[both grunt.]
[groaning.]
[thief.]
Now you are just showing off! You have not learned your lesson.
I'm sorry.
Was there a lesson with the butt-kicking? En garde.
[Puss.]
Yah-ha! [grunting.]
[all screaming.]
[grunts.]
[whimpers, screams.]
[exclaiming.]
[Puss yowling.]
[groans.]
[neighs.]
[grunts.]
[gasps, groans.]
[all groaning.]
[thief.]
What were we supposed to learn from this? The usual.
No thieving, be nice to orphans, no littering.
The things you were supposed to have learned in Dulcinea's school.
[whistles.]
Come, Babieca.
Let us leave these degenerates.
Back to San Lorenzo! [neighs.]
[Puss.]
Hyah! We should not have to take this kind of abuse from Puss in Boots! Yeah.
We have to put a stop to this.
Say, let's put a bounty on Puss's head.
A thousand reales to whomever takes him out! [all laughing wickedly.]
And not to a fancy dinner! [laughs.]
Not to a fancy dinner, right? - Definitely not.
- Why would you think that? [chuckles.]
Ugh! This crown infuriates me mit its insouciance! Oh, think, Uli.
Did you ever hear anything about the Crown of Souls during your time in the What was it called? Ancient and Horrible Order of the Bloodwolf? I was never in this thing.
Oh! You mean the Ancient und Terrible Order of das Blutwolf! [chuckles.]
What a comical error you have made.
[laughs hysterically.]
But nein.
All I know is that it may be able to defeat das Blutwolf when used by The One from the Great Prophecy! Und here he is.
Good day, amigos.
I have had much success dispensing lessons at the Thieves' Market.
So, have you figured out what the crown does? Oh, we sure have.
Wonderful.
Tell me at once.
Oh.
You meant literally.
No, no, we've been entirely unsuccessful.
Zero successes.
Even with the gem in place, it doesn't seem to do anything.
Get a job, freeloader! [grunts.]
[clanging.]
I'm usually really good at figuring out how things work.
Hang on.
I know who would know how the Crown of Souls works.
Miguel A.
Andante.
Umm, the author of The Wee Compendium of Facts and Fun? Yeesh.
Read a book.
This one.
Why would the author of a silly book of children's rhymes know about the Crown of Souls? Because the book is where we found out about the gem.
I bet Miguel knows all kinds of useful stuff.
We have to go find him.
Are you sure this is not just an excuse for you to go meet your favorite author? [gasps.]
Why would you think that? All I care about is figuring out how the Crown of Souls works.
And then, if we have the time, maybe telling him that I love him and he's the best author ever, and oh, oh, oh, I really want to meet him, Puss! Dulcinea, seeking the advice of a children's author is a silly plan.
As opposed to my plan: yelling at the crown until it talks.
Tell us what you know! Do it now! [grunts.]
Ha-ha! Yeah, good luck with that, Puss.
Oh, you think I'm angry now, Crown? Wait till you see what I am like if I do not have my afternoon leche! [yowls.]
Oh, it's so exciting! I bet Miguel's in a big mansion with an amazing library full of books! And he'll give me all kinds of nifty advice about how to live my life better.
Oh, what a wonderful and kind person Miguel is, in my mind, and therefore also in real life.
Oh.
Whee! [Dulcinea gasps.]
[eerie music playing.]
What? This shack can't be his house.
Maybe it's the servants' quarters? [clears throat.]
Oh.
[clears throat.]
Hello, good sir, and how are you? I'm obsessed with everything you do! Oh, hello Oh! Hmm.
Oh, hello I'm looking for Mr.
[grumbles.]
[door creaking.]
I have urgent business I need to discuss with the famous author Miguel A.
Andante.
Ugh.
That book.
I know, right? Greatest book ever written So, is Miguel here? It's pronounced "Miguela.
" [laughs.]
Umm, I think I know how to pronounce my hero's name.
[laughs.]
It's A misprint.
One teensy mistake and "Miguela Andante" turns into "Miguel A.
Andante.
" Wait, so, you're [chuckles.]
Excuse me.
Miguel is Miguela, Miguela wrote the book.
Carry the one [gasping.]
[Dulcinea.]
Oh, my goodness! You wrote the book! Oh, Mr Oh, I mean, Ms.
Andante.
You're my favorite author.
I've read your book cover-to-cover a thousand times! [screams.]
[door creaks.]
[Dulcinea grunts.]
You're my hero.
[sighs.]
But what are you doing in this cluttered old shack? Lighting the fireplace to keep the pests out.
Isn't it obvious? You can't just come right into a total stranger's cluttered old shack! Oh, I didn't mean it in a disrespectful way.
"Though over the wide world you roam, wherever you get stuck is home.
" The wisdom of the book.
Did you really just quote my own book to me? Uh-huh.
I do it all the time.
I've based my whole life on it.
Look, cat, you seem great.
And by "great," I mean "imbalanced.
" [sighs.]
Sorry, that came out wrong.
What I meant was, "Get out of my house and never come back!" [laughs.]
Oh, this is so us.
So, the reason I came here today is that I was hoping you could tell me something about the Crown of Souls, which you mention on page 572 of your book.
You see, my town is in grave danger and Not interested! Do I look like the kind of person who should be helping people? Oh.
But you wrote the book.
Look, kid, let's be serious.
That book is the worst thing that's ever been written.
It's literally garbage.
What's that? Oh.
[chuckles.]
It sounded like you said the book is Literally garbage.
"Garbage"? [sighs.]
Did you know that you look depressed? [sighs.]
It is Dulcinea.
I cannot explain it, but I feel that something has gone horribly wrong.
Also, between you and me [grunts.]
my plan to yell at the Crown of Souls until it talks has yielded no results.
Did you know that crowns don't have ears? Or mouths? Or brains? Or [muffled.]
You are right.
This is no time for inaction.
I will go save Dulcinea from whatever cruel fate has befallen her.
Thank you, Vina, for helping me realize this.
I go! Did you know that I didn't do anything? [eerie, suspenseful music playing.]
How can you say you don't like your own words? You wrote them.
Open your eyes! That book is a joke! I wrote it as a cash grab.
A way to make a quick buck.
You don't mean that.
I was a best-selling author until I wrote it.
Everybody said self-help books were easy money, so I banged one out.
And do you know how many copies it sold? [yells.]
One! [gasps.]
One copy.
Worst-selling book in history.
After that, I couldn't get published anywhere.
I was ruined! Ruined! It wasn't the book's fault! I wish I'd never written that filthy thing.
[gasps.]
No.
No, no, no, no.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! And if you've based your entire life on it, then every decision you've ever made in your whole life is wrong! And bad! And dumb! [grunts.]
[whimpering.]
That isn't true! Oh, I have had enough of you.
Get out of my house.
[growls.]
No! Not until you apologize.
Apologize? You're the one that broke into my house with this book full of fiddlefuff! What did you say? What? Fiddlefuff? As in, "That book is fiddlefuff"? Ugh.
This is my shack, and I'll say whatever I want.
Fiddlefuff, fiddlefuff, fiddlefuff! Fiddlefuff, fiddlefuff, fiddlefuff! Fiddlefuff, fiddlefuff, fiddlefuff, fiddlefuff, fiddlefuff, fiddlefuff Do I look like the kind of person who should be helping people? Look, kid, that book is the worst thing that's ever been written.
That book is a joke! Open your eyes! It's literally garbage! Garbage! Garbage! [screaming.]
Oh, fiddlefuff.
[Dulcinea shouts.]
[screaming, grunting.]
[clattering.]
[sniffing.]
Do not fear, Dulcinea.
I am on my way to rescue you.
Also, I understand that it is unlikely that you can hear me.
But still.
Oh, my, oh, my, oh, my.
Oh, my gosh.
What have I done? What have I done? Miguela, this is so unlike me.
Oh, help me.
You're the wisest person I know.
What should I do? You should untie me.
Right now.
I should untie you.
Good idea.
Oh, it'll be like this never happened.
Eh, don't beat yourself up about it.
This is what I get for writing a stupid book.
Stupid fans.
It's not a stupid book! It's your crowning achievement.
The greatest artistic work ever produced by anyone ever! In fact, it's so good, you should write a sequel.
[gasping excitedly.]
Oh, my gosh, you're gonna write a sequel! What? Don't you see? The universe sent me here today to help you start writing again.
It's fate! This is rapidly becoming my least favorite day ever.
[man with heavy accent.]
Puss in-a the Boots! My name is a-Silvio, and I'm a big fan.
Which is why I'm-a gonna be so sad when I cut you in two, ah? Ha! I would like to see you a-try.
[man 2 with accent.]
Silvio not-a gonna cut you in two.
A-Giuseppe is! [laughs.]
[all grunting.]
And your accents are so charming! [straining.]
Ha-ha! I am guessing you are not from around here.
No, we come from-a far away just to fight you and-a make-a mama proud.
Oh, Mama.
Then fight we shall! [both scream, grunt.]
For Mama! [both groan.]
Look at this cat! [both grunt.]
But tell me this.
What are a couple of out-of-town thieves such as yourselves doing in these woods? Hmm? [both groan.]
I really should learn to ask questions first, knock thieves unconscious second.
Huh? Hmm.
A bounty on my head? [excitedly.]
A bounty on my head! Huzzah! Unconscious thieves, do you realize what this means? Getting a bounty put on one's head is one of the four pillars of heroism.
There is kissing a princess, defeating a skeleton army, getting a bounty put on one's head by outlaws, and never acting like a dog.
Oh, untie me, you hateful harpy! Uh-uh-uh, naughty-naughty.
"Though cruel names you may call a friend, you'll sure regret it in the end.
" The wisdom of the book.
No! Spare me those horrible rhymes.
They're so trite.
So childish.
You don't really like them, do you? No.
I love 'em! Everyone does! Oh.
Look, this is one of my favorites.
"When life has thrown you for a loop, just make yourself some nice hot soup!" [humming.]
That makes zero sense.
I clearly put absolutely no effort into writing that thing.
Then it should be super easy to write the sequel.
Go ahead and start rhyming.
Whenever you're ready.
Never.
I will never write another rhyme again as long as I live! Hmm.
[suspenseful music playing.]
[gasping, straining.]
[chuckles.]
What are you gonna do with that? [laughs.]
[screams.]
[chuckles.]
There we go.
Can't have you falling over.
And now, some soup! Just like the book says, hot, tasty soup! Oh, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum! The secret ingredient is friendship.
And after I spoon-feed you, we'll write lots and lots of rhymes together.
[laughing maniacally.]
I'm-a gonna claim-a the bounty and-a buy my mama a new black veil, so she can mourn-a my papi even better! [thieves laughing maliciously.]
While this newfound fame is quite flattering, that is a lot of thieves.
- Write.
- No.
- Do it.
- No! Take the quill.
Take it and write.
Just do it.
Do it! Do it now! Do it now! [muffled shouts.]
Paper! Now, write! [laughing maniacally.]
Oh.
[chuckles.]
Oh, there you go.
Isn't writing fun? It's so fun.
Oh, we're such good friends having such good times! Enough! You know, for someone who claims to love my book so much, you sure don't act like it.
What do you mean? I'm your biggest fan.
I do everything the book says! Oh, really? "While we may like to have our druthers, it's wrong to force our will on others.
" Oh, oh, I'm not forcing my will on anyone.
Oh, I'm just trying to help you! "Though helping's what friends try to do, they're capable of hurting too.
" [gasps.]
Gasp! She just called me her friend! "Crazy is as crazy does, no matter what your intentions was.
" The wisdom of the book.
Oh, my goodness.
You're right.
I have been crazy.
Also, is that grammatically correct? No! It's what you get when you write an entire book in a weekend.
Now, stop this madness! [mournful chuckle.]
Your book has meant so much to me in my life.
It's been a comfort, it's been an inspiration.
And the thought of someone like you wasting all of her talent I guess it was just too much for me to handle.
[groans.]
I mean, I suppose it's flattering that something I wrote could be so influential to a person that she'd literally tie me to a chair and hold me prisoner in my own house.
It's what every young author dreams of.
But you're a rare and loony bird, Dulcinea.
My book could never affect anyone else the way it did you.
That's not true.
Your words would affect anyone who heard them.
You're wrong about that, Whiskers.
Today's world doesn't want poetry or sentiment.
They just want action.
Action, all the time! People bursting in doors with swords and shouting [door slams open.]
Hmm? Dulcinea! See what I mean? Puss? Hello, Dulcinea.
I have come to save you.
Oh, look, you are fine.
How wonderful.
Shall we go now? Save me? But I'm perfectly fine.
[thief.]
Puss in-a the Boots! Puss, what did you do? Got a bounty put on my head, which, I have learned, is not the fun time it is cracked up to be.
Now, wait inside while I deny these gentlemen their bounty.
Oh, mamma-mia! This is a-taking forever! [chuckles.]
Okay, who's first? [screaming.]
[grunts, groans.]
[all grunting, screaming.]
[gasps.]
[exclaims.]
[groans.]
Whoa! [Puss yowls.]
Yes! [grunting.]
[both grunt.]
[Puss groaning.]
[straining.]
Chicolini, you did-a real good.
Now, I take him off-a your hands and I bring him back-a to the Thieves' Market.
Uno minuto, Silvio.
Why you get-a to take him, huh? Me, I'm-a thinking that I a-get to take him! You try to take him, I'm-a break-a you face! Hey! What about a-me, Chicolini? - Or-a me? A-Francesco! - Orvieto! It really is a beautiful language.
Should we do something? Nah, probably not, right? Doing nothing sounds way easier than doing something.
I have to help him.
"Even if it means a fight, we must always do what's right.
" The wisdom of the book.
Your book.
[groans.]
- [thief 1.]
Bravo! - [thief 2.]
Bravo! [Puss straining.]
[Dulcinea.]
Capo Ferro! [groans.]
Hi-yah! [gasps.]
[thieves laughing.]
[Miguela.]
"Hearken, bandits, - strong and bold.
" - [thieves.]
Huh? "A crucial truth, you'll now be told.
Although you trade in brawn and might, you may still choose to do what's right.
It's wrong that no one ever asks what kindness hides behind those masks.
For sure as there's a sky above" [sniffling, weeping.]
- "you each are capable of love.
" - [thief.]
Aww.
[thieves sniffling, crying.]
[kisses.]
Mama's still got it.
[sobbing.]
Strega scrittore, she speak-a the rhyming truth! [sobs.]
I got-a the love in my heart.
I no wanna chop-a nobody up! [all wailing.]
Miguela, you saved our lives.
With the power of your words.
Yes.
That was very impressive stuff.
The bandits were certainly moved by it.
[sniffles.]
Allergies.
Incidentally, I'm Puss in Boots.
Couldn't care less.
- Gah! - Oh, thank you, Miguela.
Thank you.
Nope.
Not ready to be held against my will by you again just yet.
So, did you learn all the information we need about the Crown of Souls? Oh.
Right.
The crown.
Umm, actually, I guess I got a little too distracted letting Miguela know how I'm her number one fan.
Truth is, everything in the Wee Compendium about the Crown of Souls, I totally stole from another book.
Which is in my library.
In my former house.
The mansion.
From before I lost all my money.
And that mansion is now occupied by a horrible monster.
Excellent.
So, we shall simply go to this mansion and retrieve the book.
Easy-peasy, offshore-breezy.
Did you hear the thing I just said about the horrible monster? Nope.
Oh, wait.
Yes, I did.
Hmm.
Oh, another monster? Well, Capo Ferro! [chuckles.]
Capo Ferro.
Ooh, and while we're on our way to fight this monster, we can help Miguela start writing her new book! [Miguela.]
Don't push it, Crazy.