The Adventures Of Puss In Boots (2015) s04e07 Episode Script

Fancy Beast

[cat purrs, meows.]
[fast, lively flamenco music playing.]
[screams.]
[giggles.]
[Puss yowling.]
El Gato! [yowls.]
4x07 - Fancy Beast [wind whistling.]
Look at that sky, you two.
Fantastically pink.
Like undercooked ham.
[chortling.]
Undercooked ham.
[chuckles.]
You have such a way with words, Señora Andante.
These phrases you construct.
He's right, Miguela.
After you bested all those thieves using nothing but your words, it'll be a cinch for us to defeat this monster - who lives in your old house.
- Yes! You spout some rhymes, and we snatch the book about the Crown of Souls, while the monster is dazed.
We will be like warrior librarians.
Warbrarians! [giggling.]
Hold your horses, kitties.
It's gonna take more than rhymes to defeat a horrible man-eating ogre.
Let me tell you a story.
Once upon a time, I sold my home to a horrible, man-eating ogre.
[crackling.]
[roaring.]
[people screaming.]
The end.
That was not much of a story.
I'm not much of a writer.
Do you remember any details? Anything that would help us to defeat him and get the book? His name is Tranche.
He's a disgusting ogre [growling.]
but he wants to be a fancy aristocrat.
That's why he bought my house in the first place.
[munching.]
[clinking.]
Hmm.
So he likes fancy things.
I like fancy things.
I mean, look at my boots.
Wait! I have an idea.
We can defeat this ogre because he likes fancy things.
Come, my friends.
Does he always do that? Proclaim he has an idea and then run away? All the time.
[dog howling.]
Was this town always so creepy? Having a man-eating ogre around tends to drive down property values.
But back when I lived here, Dead Man's Hollow was the place to be.
A real open-minded community.
[Miguela chuckles.]
Ooh! Oh, there it is! My old house.
[haunting music playing.]
So, everyone is clear on the plan? I will portray a very, really very fancy prince traveling with his court.
Miguela is our handmaiden, and Dulcinea is a princess.
Tranche will be so impressed by our fanciness that he will have no choice but to invite us in.
This feels like lying.
Are you comfortable with it? Please, being a writer is all about lying.
That and correcting people when they use bad grammar.
I know lying makes you uncomfortable, but if we are going to save San Lorenzo, we need the book that Miguela stole the Crown of Souls information from.
The book from which I stole the Crown of Souls information.
[sighs.]
Writers.
[sighing.]
Writers.
Let us hope this works.
[bleating.]
[Puss groans.]
Uli, what are you doing here? I was worried about you.
So I tracked you to this place in order to Uli, listen closely.
I am [door opens.]
[growling.]
[Uli whimpering.]
Halt, ogre! Do you not see that you are in the presence of royalty? [Uli whimpering.]
[muffled .]
Um, I am? [Uli whimpers.]
Oh.
Right.
[spits, coughs.]
[English accent.]
Uh, there you go.
[groaning.]
Righty-o! And whomsoever may be upon my threshold, please to state your name and business, what.
[whimpering.]
Good ogre, I am pleased to announce that a prince has come to call.
Ooh, so he has! I can tell it's him, because of his fancy scepter.
Hm? My Liege.
I am Tranche.
Uh, that is, Duke, no, Count, no, Baron Tranche, and I cower at your well-manicured hooves.
[both gasp.]
Oh.
But I am no prince.
Huh.
The only thing nobler than a prince is a humble prince.
My dear ogre, he was not being humble.
He is not a prince, he [grunts.]
[shouts.]
Commoner! [gasps.]
Are you saying I don't know a prince when I see one? But I Because I don't like being corrected.
It makes me wanna eat somebody.
Ja, it is I, Prince Uli.
Und this here is mein princess, mein courtier, und mein wretched manservant, Kitty Dum-Dum.
Polish mein hoovesies, Kitty, lest they sully this lovely home.
[grumbles.]
Polish mein hoovesies.
Mm-mm.
[grunts.]
Mm-mm.
Mm-hmm.
[growls.]
[grumbles.]
I daresay, My Liege, that's the first time my house has been called lovely by a prince.
It's the first time my house has been called anything by a prince.
Come, let me show you around.
[groans.]
He is buying it.
Oh, it will be such fun tricking the silly ogre, ja? [gasps.]
How dare you look me in mein eye, Kitty Dum-Dum.
You only make the eye contact mit me when I am telling you to.
Come along, Kitty Dum-Dum.
[grumbles.]
This, I do not like.
[grunting.]
Wow, this is some place you got here, goodly ogre.
Pip-pip! [chuckles.]
It certainly is.
This fancy room is where I keep all my squiggle-papers.
Squiggle-papers? Right.
These things, see? Uh They're full of papers what've got all these little bitty squiggles on 'em.
Rather comical, what? [chuckles.]
Mostly, I use 'em for bathroom paper.
Ahh! [growling.]
Oh, great and noble Tranche, would you mind if my courtier took, uh, admired your squiggle-papers? Milady, 'twould verily be an honor.
Pip-pip! [chuckles softly.]
Hang on, then.
Haven't we met? Certainly not.
I beg your pardon, Milady.
People who ain't ogres all look the same to me.
[sighs.]
We find the book We leave.
So, here's a jolly handsome antique chair, Your Highness, which I'll move [smashing.]
so that you may step over here and observe my collection of rugs what are from the Orient.
Ah! I myself have spent much time in the Orient slaying dragons.
In fact Hang on, then! Your servant slayed dragons? That seems more like a prince thing to do, what? Ja, of course.
It was I, Prince Uli, who did the slayings.
All Kitty Dum-Dum did was to mop up the squishy bits afterwards.
Now, you hold on just a [roars.]
Wretch! [groans.]
How dare you talk back to your master! [whimpers.]
Ja, wretch.
Huh, he is right.
How dare you? [growls.]
I wouldn't take that kind of guff from a servant, Your Highness.
Back when I had servants, if one of them ever misbehaved, I'd eat him.
I'd eat him real good! Did you say you ate your servants? Uh, yes, Your Majesty.
I tend to eat anyone who makes me upset.
[clock tolling.]
By Jove, I do think it's time for dinner, what.
Me hungry! [rumbling.]
[giggling.]
Whoa! Me love dinner! [chuckles.]
It is going well, ja? [giggling.]
Come, Kitty Dum-Dum, follow me to the table.
Your service is required.
Dulcinea, I have never felt so insulted in my life.
I am a hero, not an insignificant servant.
Let's just get that book so we can get out of here and stop all this lying.
Between you and me, I'm not very good at it.
[sighs.]
Right.
The book is what matters.
Not whether I get to be the prince, which I should be because I am the hero, but that is okay.
Why would I mind? [inhales deeply, sighs.]
The book.
Welcome to my dining room.
[chuckles.]
It looks a lot like the library.
I know.
Every room in this mansion is identical.
Very fancy, aye, what? Very fancy.
Pip-pip.
Tally ho.
[door opens.]
[grunting.]
Whoa! [grunting, groaning.]
[clattering.]
[shouts.]
Me first! [bangs.]
[munching, snorting.]
[clattering.]
[laughs.]
Uh, I mean [spits.]
- [laughs.]
Ladies first, of course.
- Ugh.
Anyway, Herr Tranche, the dinner looks very delicious.
Oh, yes, my dear prince.
We are serving mince meat pie tonight.
Any luck finding the book? Oh, yes! I found lots of books.
- All my old favorites.
- Right.
But any luck finding the book about, you know, the Crown of Souls? The what? Oh, that.
No, not at all.
Oh, please hurry.
All this lying is killing me.
[Ogre clearing throat.]
[giggles nervously.]
Are you quite all right, Milady? Ooh.
Oh! Oh, yes! Just a little congestion in in my nose.
[giggling.]
[munching.]
So, Herr Tranche, how is it that a charming und handsome aristocrat such as yourself does not have a wife? Oh! Uh Is that something an aristocrat is supposed to have? Uh, well, as it happens, I do have a wife.
Uh, I'll just pop out and tell her to come say hello.
[chuckles.]
[door opens, closes.]
Ooh-hoo-hoo! The ruse is going so well, Herr Puss.
The foolish ogre, he is believing all of our fibbings.
Uli, I warn you, if you do not [door opens.]
[Ogre.]
Hello.
I am my wife now.
[piano music playing.]
Uh, it is nice to meet you all for the first time.
[giggling.]
I have to leave now.
[door opens.]
That was my wife! Who said it wasn't? I'll eat you! [clattering.]
[screaming, roaring.]
Huh? [all whimpering.]
Well, then, uh anyone for pudding? [burps loudly.]
Whoops! Nearly committed a bit of a faux pas there.
[chuckles.]
That would've been shoddy manners, what? Yes.
It would have been.
Uh Mmm-mmm.
[munching loudly.]
Oh.
[Ogre burps.]
Oh-ho-ho.
[laughs heartily.]
Oh-ho.
How amusing, Herr Tranche.
Uh, here, Kitty Dum-Dum.
[growls.]
Now you will eat mein dirty napkin.
It is covered in filth, just like you.
[growls.]
Uh Sometimes, Kitty Dum-Dum needs to be insulted in order to fully understand his tasks.
Eat the napkin, kitty.
[shouts.]
Eat it! [low growl.]
Uh [chokes.]
[groans, spits.]
[shouts.]
No one makes Puss in Boots eat a filthy napkin! [groans.]
Huh? [Puss.]
Ogre we have been perpetuating a ruse.
I'm not a servant and he is not a prince! [gasps.]
[Ogre growls.]
[both gasp, groan.]
What did you say?! [growling, grunting.]
[Ogre chuckling.]
Hmm? Good show.
Good show, you two.
You were doing a spot of light theater, eh? You really had me believing that you were a servant and you were a prince, when all the while, you were the servant and you were the prince.
And you knew about this, Princess? You've been lying this whole time.
Uh Uh-huh.
[stammering.]
But that's what princesses do.
Bravo with the playacting, everyone.
But, now then, let's have you two stick to your proper roles, yes? When I find things too confusing it makes me wanna eat whoever's closest to me.
Right.
Who's for an evening stroll? Jolly good.
[evil chuckling.]
[Ogre.]
As you can see, I have many fine things.
Over there's a chandelier.
[hooves clomping.]
And then there's more squiggle-papers.
[grunting.]
Herr Puss, I have come to the conclusion that you are using your role as prince to manipulate me.
Just as you did to me when you were the prince, Uli.
I will show you what happens when you cross Uli, mein friend.
[grunts.]
[groans.]
Then we will see who is Kitty Dum-Dum.
[shouting.]
Obviously, it would be me.
I am the kitty! Dulcinea, you're just in time.
Lady Horseneck has begun to suspect that her husband is not who he says he is.
Oh, haven't you found the Crown of Souls book yet? Honestly, I haven't been looking.
It's just so hard.
All my favorites are here, and I just wanna binge-read each and every What's the matter with you? I can feel the lies crawling all over me.
If we don't get out of here soon, I'm gonna scream.
[Ogre.]
Well, well, well [grumbling.]
What's going on here? [growls.]
You know, I'm starting to think that something here isn't what it seems.
I might have to eat somebody.
Or two somebodies! Mr.
Tranche, I have to tell you the truth about [muffled voice.]
Ha-ha! It's time for Her Majesty's daily face massage, to keep her looking young and wrinkle-free.
Uh What? It works.
Here, judge for yourself.
[laughing nervously.]
Book or no book, I'm not getting eaten by an ogre today, thank you very much.
I say, Butterthwaite, is it me or are those two acting suspiciously? Pip-pip.
[haunting music playing.]
- [Uli.]
That was cruel.
- [Puss.]
You started this.
- I have sensitive teeth.
- It is not my fault.
[door opens.]
[gasps.]
[groaning.]
[door creaking.]
[grunts.]
Are you feeling like some evening entertainment, Señor Tranche? I could instruct my servant, Uli, to choke himself for us.
Actually, Your Highness, I am having a better idea.
[chuckling.]
[yodeling.]
You see, it is I who is the true prince, for who but a blue-blooded nobleman could possibly yodel so well? Oh, right.
Hadn't thought of it that way.
So, you're the prince, then.
What? No! I can yodel as well.
[clears throat.]
[yodeling off-key.]
Okay, so I cannot yodel.
Of course you cannot, Kitty Dum-Dum.
You are good at nothing.
Except, of course, your famous bootsy puppets show.
I do not use my boots for anything except looking incredibly dapper.
I am the one who is the true prince, not this traitorous swine.
[groans.]
I shall prove it with the classic test of nobility.
Standing on one's head.
[grunting.]
Oh, right.
Well, that's convincing enough for me.
[Puss.]
Ha.
Try to out-noble that.
I shall.
Mit some practiced Baroque waltzing.
Und eins, zwei, drei, eins, zwei, drei.
Who but a true sovereign could waltz und count at the same time? [continues counting in German.]
You make a good point, but If it is a true test of nobility you want, then observe as I hold my breath for 30 seconds! [counting in German.]
[inhales.]
Uh [counting in German.]
[groaning.]
[counting in German.]
[groaning.]
[counting in German.]
[shouts.]
Enough! I daresay, I don't think either of you is a prince! [gasping breaths.]
[groans.]
No, no, no, no, no.
One of us is definitely a prince.
Ja.
Whichever one you prefer.
I'm very confused now.
Very confused! And when I get confused [growling.]
[shouting.]
I eat someone! [whimpering.]
[Ogre roaring.]
[slow-motion shout.]
[thuds.]
[groans.]
Herr Boots, you have done the savings of me.
Of course.
A vindictive friend is still a friend.
[groaning.]
So, it's a fight you want, eh, Kitty Dum-Dum? [grunts.]
[roaring.]
[thuds.]
[grunting.]
[smashes.]
[both grunting.]
[clanking.]
[both grunting.]
[groans.]
[grunts.]
[Uli screaming.]
[Ogre grunts.]
[grunts.]
[groans.]
[thuds.]
[grunts.]
[Puss.]
The jig is up, friends! [Ogre grunting.]
Our lie is exposed! [Puss grunting.]
[sighs in relief.]
Oh, thank goodness! [Puss yowls.]
[both grunting.]
[Puss.]
I will hold him off.
You, find the book at once.
[Ogre screaming.]
[grunting.]
[clanking.]
[groaning.]
[grunting.]
[groaning.]
[both grunting.]
You are a most fearsome adversary, Tranche.
[grunts.]
I hope you'll be the last ogre I ever meet.
[grunting.]
[clattering.]
[swords clanking.]
[Puss and Ogre grunting.]
[both groaning.]
I have done the findings of it.
Is this the one? It sure is.
[grunts.]
[Miguela.]
"Yea, that which is yclept" - Huh? - [Miguela.]
"ye Crown of Souls verily be linked through bonds most eldritch to ye totem - most mighty, known only to those" - How How are you doing that? You're looking at those squiggles and saying things from your mouth.
It's called reading.
Do you not know what reading is? I've heard of it.
Look, these books are full of stories, knowledge, tawdry romances and even etiquette.
Etiquette? Can these "books" teach me how to be a fancy aristocrat? I think this one could.
How to Be a Fancy Aristocrat, by A.
F.
Aristocrat.
Could you teach me how to make words out of squiggles? How to read? Yeah, that.
I could, if you don't eat my friends, and you let them take one book with them.
Agreed! Agreed, by Jove! [chuckles.]
[shouting jovially.]
Yay! Let's read this one! [sighs.]
First rule of reading: don't tear up the book.
Oh.
Don't tear up the book.
[chuckles.]
I say, this "reading" is rather tricky business, what.
Oh! I positively cannot wait to spend time with all my old books.
All but one.
Farewell.
Safe travels and whatnot.
[chuckles.]
Bye, Miguela.
Promise me you'll write me every day.
Not a chance! What nice people.
Yeah, shame you didn't get to spend more time with them.
- Pip-pip! - Pip-pip!