The Adventures Of Puss In Boots (2015) s05e02 Episode Script

Not a Drill

[cat purrs, meows.]
[fast, lively flamenco music playing.]
[screams.]
[giggles.]
- [Puss yowling.]
- El Gato! [yowls.]
[whistle tooting.]
[screams in frustration.]
Will somebody please quiet down that tiny bird? How am I supposed to concentrate with all that racket? I can barely concentrate when I'm concentrating.
Much less when I'm concentrating on tiny bird racket.
Now, where was I? - Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
Hmm.
- [low growling continues.]
That's better.
If I'm going to close off this portal and keep the monsters out - [whistle tooting continues.]
- [screams.]
I'm going to need a bird-muting spell.
How did that go? Dash of worm root and the best of three in tic-tac-toe.
- [roars.]
- Oh! Uh-oh.
[roars.]
[grunting, screaming.]
Oh! Hi, little birdy.
How'd you get in my head? [laughs sheepishly.]
[blowing whistle.]
[screaming.]
Monster! [townsfolk screaming.]
[screaming continues.]
Roar! I am a scary monster from the portal to the Netherworld, come to destroy San Lorenzo! Just try and defeat me with your monster drill, peasants! [grunts.]
Hey.
Come on, guys.
[growling.]
[grunting.]
Ow! Eggplants hurt! [sighs.]
What a waste of milk.
Oh, no! No, no, no, no, no, no, no! [yells.]
My eyes.
My eyes! [Eames.]
Wait.
That's actually soothing.
- [grunting.]
- Hiyah! [screaming.]
[laughs jubilantly.]
Eames Monster, you will terrorize San Lorenzo no more.
Um, hello? That was a classic "hero saves the day and everyone cheers" moment, people.
- Oh, great.
- [all cheer lethargically.]
Yay.
- Is it done? - Can I go home now? [sighs.]
Uh, guys.
Guys? [Puss.]
So, that was fine.
No, no.
More like adequate? Passable? No.
- Not good enough, people! - [Babieca neighs.]
This portal is a serious threat.
Who knows what monster or villain will emerge next? You must learn to think as a team.
You will live, eat, sleep, and train as a team.
- Do you understand? - [all.]
Yes, sir.
- [both groaning.]
- [Puss.]
That is why you are here.
- [giggling.]
- Are you rolling your eyes at me? Will rolling your eyes protect San - Lorenzo when the monster comes? - [groans.]
There will be no sleep until this town is ready.
And no mustache grooming either! Am I making myself clear? [all.]
Yes, sir.
Do you think this barrel will protect you from the monster? Monsters are not scared of barrels! Monsters eat barrels for lunch! [mayor screams.]
Now, I will make a personal assessment of each and every one of you and be around to discuss your performance, personally.
- [Babieca neighs.]
- [screams.]
Until then, dismissed! - [people clamoring.]
- [man.]
Out of my way! Out of my way! [chuckles nervously.]
[exclaims in horror.]
[sighs.]
[blowing whistle.]
[groans.]
[yawning.]
Not again.
[grunting.]
[whistle continues blaring.]
[moos angrily.]
- [blowing whistle.]
- [both scream.]
- [blowing whistle.]
- [all gasp.]
- [blowing whistle.]
- [gasps.]
- [blowing whistle.]
- [both gasp.]
- [blowing whistle.]
- [neighs.]
- [grunts.]
- [continues blowing whistle.]
[continues blowing whistle.]
Oh, give me that.
[man.]
Boo! Hiss! [all booing and jeering.]
[mayor blows raspberry.]
Uh, are you all booing me? Yes! First thieves! Then bloodwolves! And now, monsters? It's another thing to be afraid of, and I'm afraid of everything already! It seems like every day, there is a new threat in town! Yeah, we're always in peril.
I'm getting jaded.
You're the town hero.
Can't you just handle all the monsters yourself? Oh, okay, fine.
Do not protect yourselves.
Just rely on me to do everything.
[grunts angrily.]
Great, thanks.
[woman.]
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Let him do all the work.
No.
I cannot do it all.
That was irony.
Irony! People, I am only trying to prepare us for another attack.
Darn it.
Was it irony or sarcasm? [sighs.]
I need to get them to take this monster drilling seriously.
- But how? - [children laughing.]
I'm a scary monster.
[roaring.]
Hmm I think for the monster drill to be taken seriously, we must have a monster.
And this monster will be you, children.
But in a costume.
[Esme.]
Can it be purple? And have lots of legs? And have two butts? Yes, to everything except that last part.
That was very strange.
Agree to disagree.
The important thing is that the monster is very, really, very scary.
You got it.
It'll be so scary, it'll make the grown-ups cry.
And pee.
Or, I could just soothe any monster invader with my angelic singing voice? [inhales deeply, groans.]
No.
Now go, make your costume.
We will scare the town toward salvation.
Puss, are you sure this is a good idea? Are not all my ideas good ones? Uh Never mind.
This will work until Artephius can create a spell to close the portal.
Now come, we must prepare.
Hmm.
A monster costume, huh? If he thinks he can trick old Eames into helping himself not die He's got another think coming.
[Artephius.]
Ooh, well, a pinch of piper nigrum, a splash of acetic acid and a purple dragon's mushroom.
I've done it at last! Mm, the perfect gazpacho.
Yummers! But is it too spicy? [slurps.]
Hmm.
- [train horn blaring.]
- [exclaiming in shock.]
[screaming.]
[screaming.]
[monster growling.]
[monster footsteps thudding.]
[dramatic music playing.]
[continues growling.]
[all chatting.]
[Eames.]
Hey, guys.
Guess what I heard? [all continue chatting.]
[sighs.]
This is why I talk to apples.
Hey! I overheard Puss telling the kids to dress like a monster and scare us into practicing the drill! [gasps.]
That Puss in the Boots thinks he's so sneaky! [scoffing.]
Trying to scare us with children.
With their tiny feet and their tiny hands and their tiny faces.
[screaming.]
Why are they so small? Well, we just won't react to his fake monster.
[scoffs.]
It'll be so funny when a real monster shows up and we die because we never practiced.
[laughs.]
That'll show Puss.
[all cheering.]
[gripping music playing.]
[monster footsteps thudding.]
[humming.]
[gasps.]
[Puss sighs.]
Another wonderful, moderately deceitful plan.
Dressing the children as a monster.
[laughs mischievously.]
Classic Puss.
[blows kiss.]
[growling.]
[roars.]
[laughs heartily.]
Very good.
You children almost had me there for un minuto! [grunting in confusion.]
Let me take a look at you.
- [growling.]
- Hmm.
The head is a little square, and this purple skin is kind of [groans in disgust.]
But, all in all, I'd say this monster will do.
Okay, everyone is in the cantina.
Get in there, and do your worst.
[snarling.]
Uh, do not do that thing with the teeth.
- [grunts in confusion.]
- That is not very scary.
Sort of cheesy.
[all chatting.]
[monster growling.]
[roaring.]
It's hard to make a wish with no water Um, excuse me? Everyone? I'm sorry, did you not see the very scary monster that just walked in? [all agreeing.]
We know it's the orphans.
[roars.]
Not now, kids.
Do me a favor and wait outside a quick sec.
Thank you.
[monster grunting.]
All right, everyone.
So, it's not a real monster.
It's just the orphans in a costume.
[all.]
We know.
But they put a lot of work into that costume.
So what if it looks a little fake? Can't we all pretend to be scared? For the orphans' sake? [man 1.]
Yeah, I guess so, yeah.
[man 2.]
Yeah, why not.
[scoffs.]
All right.
For the orphans' sake.
[giggles.]
[Dulcinea.]
Okay, guys, all set.
Now let's try this again.
And remember, scary.
[screaming.]
[growling menacingly.]
[all screaming.]
- [roaring.]
- Okay, everybody.
Let the drill begin.
[softly.]
And don't hurt the monster.
[screaming halfheartedly.]
There is a monster.
[roars.]
[laughs.]
Great job.
[screams mockingly.]
[laughs.]
Whoo! Don't hurt me.
Oh, no.
[laughing.]
Don't worry, monster.
I won't hit you.
Go on, this way.
[laughs.]
You are so cute.
Aren't they, though? Such a scary monster.
[confused grunt.]
But, uh, go on.
Don't think I'm gonna waste the merchandise.
[gasps.]
[sighs.]
Okay, fine, maybe just a little bit.
[grunting in confusion.]
[monster.]
Huh? Huh? - [man.]
All right! - [woman cheers.]
[Dulcinea clears throat.]
Okay.
Now, stand back.
[grunts in confusion.]
[Puss clears throat.]
No more hiding, villainous monster.
- I have found you out.
- [growls menacingly.]
[giggles.]
It is just a little joke.
Great job, everyone.
- Great job.
- [woman.]
Good job.
Very good job.
- [man 1.]
Good for you.
- You had me.
I was frightened.
- Oh, that was so good.
Very scary.
- Very good.
Why are the children still wearing that costume? I do not like it.
[shouts.]
Oh, kids, you were just wonderful.
You did a really, very, really, excellent job of scaring everyone into partaking in the monster drill.
I believe we are finally ready to take on any portal monster who comes to town.
Which means that you can take off that costume now.
[grunts.]
[chuckles.]
I know this has been fun, but there is no longer a need for that.
It is really very creepy.
[grunts in confusion.]
Now, kids, just take off that costume.
You're scaring the mayor.
[mayor screaming.]
Okay.
This is no longer funny.
[Puss grunting.]
Come off! [Puss screaming.]
[grunts.]
Hey, Puss.
What you layin' around for? Toby? What are you doing not in this monster costume? I don't fit.
I'm too big.
It looked bad.
So, what do you think, cat? Is our monster costume scary or what? - Wait, what? - [gasps.]
[screams.]
[screams.]
They look pretty scared to me.
[giggles.]
Roar! [roaring.]
[all screaming.]
[all chatting.]
- [Puss yowling.]
- [grunting.]
Monster! Monster! Yeah, yeah, fool us once, shame on you.
Fool us twice, shame on your casual exploitation of children.
You're like the cat who cried wolf.
Except this is not a wolf.
It is a monster.
A big, scary monster with lots of legs and it is purple.
Oh, please.
Nice try.
No way! [laughs.]
[rasps wearily.]
Okay, yes, I did try to trick you into practicing before, but I promise you, that is not what is happening right now! [all laughing.]
[man.]
Oh, he'll never quit.
[all continue chatting.]
I do not like the ignoring.
Is this how Eames always feels? It is not great.
[all children yelling.]
Monster! [all panting.]
- Ooh, you gonna finish that? - Mm-hmm.
[Dulcinea clears throat.]
And now he has the children lying for him? Horrible.
- Lying? I'm not lying.
- [Esme.]
We're not lying.
No, but it really is a monster.
It's not the A real monster? In San Lorenzo? Ha! I'll believe it when I see it.
[monster breathing heavily.]
[growling menacingly.]
[dramatic music playing.]
[Eames.]
I see it! I believe it! [Eames screams, grunts.]
That's the same fake monster as before.
But that means [gasps.]
It was real the whole time! [all screaming.]
- [roaring.]
- [all screaming.]
[roaring continues.]
Everyone, to your stations! This is not a drill! I repeat! Not a drill! [screaming continues.]
[all rasping.]
Ha! - [monster growling.]
- [people screaming.]
[yells.]
[all screaming.]
[monster growling.]
[screaming continues.]
[man screaming.]
Oh, my back! - [roaring.]
- [screaming.]
- [roaring.]
- [mayor screams.]
- [monster growling.]
- [mayor whimpering.]
- [growls.]
- [screams.]
[mayor.]
No, monster! Take the fruit! Not me! Not me! - [growling.]
- [Pajuna.]
Go ahead, monster.
Milk my day.
[squeals, gulps.]
[roaring menacingly.]
[all clamoring.]
[roaring continues.]
[wind blowing.]
Huh? [roaring.]
[both screaming.]
[monster grunts.]
You will terrorize San Lorenzo no more! Huh? [Puss yells.]
[roaring.]
[screaming.]
[grunting.]
[snarling.]
[all screaming.]
[roaring.]
The Master Monster Plan didn't work! We ran the monster through our drill! We basically taught it how to defeat us! Our only strength is now our biggest weakness! Felina, why have you forsaken us? We need a new plan, and fast.
Preferably something with pickles.
[monster growling in distance.]
Everyone, stand back! - [Dulcinea screams.]
- Oh-oh.
[snarling.]
- [roaring.]
- [townsfolk screaming.]
[growls menacingly.]
[angelic singing at distance.]
Huh? [grunts thoughtfully.]
[singing continues.]
[singing in soprano.]
It is so beautiful.
It's like a hug for my ears.
[sobbing.]
It is so beautiful.
- [groans.]
- [singing continues.]
[purring.]
And look.
The monster.
[coos.]
[continues singing.]
[all cheering.]
- [coos happily.]
- [laughing.]
That tickles my outsides.
Well, as the saying goes, it was beauty that killed the beast.
Can I keep him? Can I? Can I? Can I? - Uh? - Um - Well, I do not know.
- Monsters aren't good pets, Toby.
[snarling.]
- Sounds good to me.
[laughs nervously.]
- Sure thing.
[Artephius screaming.]
[grunts.]
Not spicy enough.
I'm guessing no luck blocking the portal to the Netherworld? Oh! That's what I was supposed to be doin' today.
[gasps.]
What do Oh, wow! A wimblegurp.
Oh, adorable.
Artephius, this monster is called a wimblegurp? They're not monsters, they're harmless.
Not everything that comes out of the portal is dangerous, you know.
Think of it as a dumping ground for wizards.
You make one mad, you get tossed into the Netherworld.
There's all kinds of stuff in there.
Monsters, farmers, squirrels, apples So, he's a wimblegurp, huh? Then I think I'll name him Wimblegurp.
- [snorts happily.]
- [giggles.]
Did you know that you are very clever? And also a pig.
[all laughing.]
I like it.
Dulcinea, I thought having a plan was the only way to keep San Lorenzo safe.
But it would seem that sometimes the best plan is no plan at all.
Is that really the lesson here? Sometimes the best lesson is no lesson at all.
[sighs.]
You just like hearing your own voice, don't you? [Puss.]
Yes, it is very lovely.
You know what word I like to say over and over again? Credenza.
Credenza, credenza, credenza.
[children chattering, cheering.]
[fast, lively flamenco music playing.]