The Almighty Johnsons (2011) s01e02 Episode Script

1 I know it's freaky.
but what you need to get your head around, Axl, is that your family are all gods.
Gods.
Norse gods.
Very funny.
Ha-ha.
Am I a god now? I feel like a god.
Of course you feel like a bloody god.
Which god? Odin.
Odin.
If he is Odin, you know that changes everything, right? Yeah, I know.
You haven't even told your wife.
She's a mortal who knows nothing.
When he returns, he shall have two hearts.
Are you a powerful god? You bet.
The tip of the arrow wedged between his ribs.
It's like he's got two hearts now.
You did precisely what you were told not to and managed only to complete the prophecy.
Well, well done.
You are the living incarnation of Odin.
You need to find a woman.
I can handle that.
Not just any woman, Frigg.
If Odin and Frigg are reunited, we will rule as gods once again.
If you die before this quest is complete, we all die too.
No pressure then.
So, I can go now? You may go, Dawn.
Your work today has been exemplary.
I live to wait upon you.
Another thing I love about you.
It's, uh, good to see you're over your injury.
My doctor says I need to take it easy.
You and Anders must see the same doctor.
But, uh, you're good to get your own beers now? We will struggle on without you.
See you, Dawn.
Bye, Dawn.
It's good you're better.
Taking it easy.
Not that you can do that for the rest of your life, which is also the rest of my life as it turns out.
Mike should be here if we're going to talk about that kind of stuff.
Mike's a pussy.
Mike said we should wait for a sign from Olaf.
He reckons Olaf's way more onto it when he comes back after a surf.
And while we're waiting for mike and Olaf to get their shit together, you might drop dead and take us all with you, not to mention the many innocent people that will perish in whatever cataclysmic event your death provoked.
I don't need this kind of pressure, man, not so soon after some woman put an arrow in me.
You lived.
Forget her, she was a freak.
Who tried to kill me.
Listen, you need to start putting it about.
Putting what about? You, you egg.
I'm Odin! Don't call me an egg.
Yes, but like an egg, you need to get laid.
- How come? - To find Frigg, dip-shit.
It's not a very nice name, is it, Frigg.
It's kind of cold.
I bet all those other goddesses have much nicer names.
Can you focus, please? We have to get started on this, Axl.
- How? - How? By letting you loose on the womenfolk, of course.
My god, I'm beaten When I fall down, I fall down, on my knees, I fall.
I'm very sorry.
We did everything by the book.
Exactly what you said, again.
I don't get what we did wrong.
I understand, Valerie, how you feel right at this moment, but bear in mind the pregnancy rate for I know what the fucking pregnancy rates are for woman my age.
It's because I'm a god, isn't it? It is a real possibility, Mike, that your god sperm and Valerie's mortal eggs can never fertilize, even though to human eyes, they seem entirely compatible.
I'm why we can't have a child.
But who knows? Now that Odin has returned, I mean, maybe everything has changed.
Maybe you'll be able to impregnate women just like this.
But the good news is if a couple such as yourselves who decide to go for the third cycle, there's a rebate.
We'll think about it.
What was that all about? What? "We'll think about it.
" We'll find the money, Mike.
It's not that.
Then what? I don't want you to have to go through that again.
I'll go through it as many times as it takes to have our baby.
Hello? Yes, speaking.
Sorry, he did what? Well, Rob has always been something of a medical miracle, as you know.
His physical state is remarkable given everything.
But you said something had changed.
Yes.
He is crying.
That's not unusual in vegetative patients.
It's another development I'm talking about.
What development? That one.
Oh, my god.
He's been quite chatty, really.
The doctors have been in and there's been no change to his baseline status, just this.
What the hell is he saying? Who knows? It's okay, Rob.
We're here.
Let him go, Val! You can ruin him when he gets back.
Don't you get too pissed.
And drive carefully.
Olaf, the reason I gave you a phone is so that you could answer it when I need to talk to you.
Now, I don't care where you are or how good the surf is, I need to talk to you.
So answer your bloody phone.
Logically, he's on the right track.
You are going to have to eliminate many to find the one.
By sleeping with them? As is Anders' take on it.
Anders thinks with his dick.
Yes, he does.
Do you have a problem with bedding many women? No.
No way, I'm not like that.
I'm totally into women.
I wasn't implying you were gay, Axl.
I'm suggesting that you, unlike Anders, have morals.
Is that a problem? Let's say you bed a woman and she's not Frigg.
You then have to move on, forget her, even if you're totally into her.
But I have to do it or you die when I die.
Well, lucky for us you're totally into women then, because logically you have a lot of women to sleep with.
The gods fled Norway in the early 1870s.
They ended up in Central Hawke's Bay, where they farmed, fought, fucked and caused the occasional natural disaster.
But they also drifted apart because gods and goddesses can't stand to be around each other.
So, bottom line, as far as you're concerned, is you seek one goddess.
And she could be anywhere.
There are two million women in New Zealand.
But I won't have to sleep with all of them, right? I mean, she won't be, like, Korean, eh? Probably not.
So, starting with those of Scandinavian descent would be the logical way to go.
Hot blonde chicks.
Or not.
Just 'cause you're 21 years old doesn't mean she's 21.
Logically, she could be 70.
or 45 and happily married with two kids.
Or a lesbian.
Or really, really ugly.
Or on her O.
E.
Or she hasn't even been reincarnated yet and we have to wait until she is.
And one day you're 90 and we're all dead already and your whole life has been wasted on a fruitless search.
You can be really depressing sometimes.
So I'm told.
I like the idea that you just look at her and something goes ping.
Me too.
I've been summoned to Mike's for dinner.
Something is afoot.
You want to come? Shit no.
Okay, cool.
And could you not tell Mike about this conversation? Not tell Mike that Anders is trying to pimp you out to the world.
I can live without that lecture.
- Hey.
- Hey.
You're home.
Um, this is Jamie.
We grew up in Waiheke together.
This is Axl, my flatmate.
Yeah, we bumped into each other today.
I kind of ended up inviting myself for dinner.
Is that okay? Sure, yeah.
That's cool.
You can try again We haven't decided if we will.
Well, if you need money for-- It's not about money.
You hear stories all the time about couples that get pregnant when they stop trying.
You do hear those stories.
A lot.
That wasn't helping, was it? Not much.
But we forgive you.
Hi.
Hi, Ty.
Oh, I love you, man.
Val.
Mike.
Olaf.
No surf, Olaf? Anywhere? Dead.
Bummer.
Suppose you'll want some dinner.
Only if there's some going.
Thanks for returning my call.
What call was this? On the phone I gave you.
Small technical problem, it's at the bottom of a long drop Coma Rob? Don't call him that.
It's a persistent vegetative state, it's not a coma.
Well, Coma Rob sounds better than Rob the Persistent Vegetable.
Does this mean he's waking up? It means he was talking the same Norse gobbledygook that you were spouting.
How long has he been in the coma now? It's not a coma.
Been a vegetable then.
15 years, give or take.
Why, is that important? Well, I don't know.
Do you think it's important? I'm asking you.
You asked how long, like it was important.
Rob is inextricably linked to you.
So, if it's important to you, it's probably important to him.
He's in a coma -- or whatever it's called.
Breathing is important to him.
How does whatever's happening to me affect him? We are connected.
You, Coma Rob, Axl, us, all connected.
So, is he waking up? That's something only Rob knows.
Another one for your collection.
God, the models in this town are a mangy lot.
Yet you still attempt to sleep with many of them.
Would you turn gay for her? Who am I charging this to, by the way? Call it a special secret project.
I don't have that budget code.
Uh, then charge it to the vodka people.
They've got the money.
Uh, the dragon lady called from the Northern Dragons again.
You deal with her.
She likes you.
Because she hates you.
It's about Carla Svenson.
What's she done this time? There are photos at an Elemeno P gig dancing with no top on.
Oh, doing her bit to publicize the great sport of net ball, no doubt.
It was an all-ages gig, the average age being about 12.
Giving the girls something to aspire to and the boys something to dream about.
When you've sorted out your sex life, please deal with it, Anders.
Oh, get me the photo of carla with her knocks out.
That'll help.
He's getting look books from modelling agencies; anyone who can pass as Scandinavian.
Bragi never was the brightest god.
She's a goddess, ipso facto she must look like a goddess.
What if she does? If she is? In the remote possibility they find her first, we shall deal with it then.
But for now, we will go about this our way.
Through the science of genealogy, I will find her.
Don't you worry about that.
It's sad we can't just kill him.
We've been through this before, Stacey.
You can't kill Odin without instigating a huge catastrophe.
Thousands will die with him.
What if the earthquake last time was actually a coincidence? We live in a city of many volcanoes.
Do you really want to put that to the test? We could kill him from far away.
Well, when you've developed your intercontinental missiles, Stacey, why don't you get back to me? I found her.
Found who? Who do you think, dickhead? When I actually am Odin, I'm so going to waste you if you don't stop calling me names.
And how did you find the Frigg? Okay, I don't actually know that she's the Frigg.
But she is a great start, hmm? She looks scary.
No, no, no, she looks like a goddess.
No, I'm not getting any vibe.
You don't get a vibe off a picture.
You meet her, nail her, see if god stuff happens She's about a hundred leagues out of my league.
Don't sell yourself short, okay? You're Odin, and with me as your wingman, it's a level playing field.
Plus, she'll go for just about anything with a dick after she's had a few.
Godness and whore, great What's your problem? Many, many guys would give their left nut for a crack at Carla.
Actually, I've met someone.
- Someone? - Yes.
Is this someone the Frigg? Probably not.
Does she have a name? Jamie.
Okay, so you've got the hoon for someone called Jamie.
It is not a hoon, I know what a hoon looks like Now, watch as she falls to the power of the Zeb.
Oh, you made a spiritual Connection.
Fuck you.
But yes, we have.
She's really smart and really funny and great to talk to.
And we clicked, you know? We clicked.
That's so beautiful.
I think I just threw up a little bit in my mouth.
Did you nail her? You know, for the god of poetry, you are a crude prick.
Did thou embed thy staff of love in the sweet cave of her womanly folds? No, I didn't.
But It was a great dinner.
Thank you.
No probs.
It was nice to see you again.
Great to meet you, Axl.
Yeah, you too.
Big ups for eating Gaia's weird food.
Shut up.
It was delicious, seriously.
But if you ever fancy something less Waiheke, give me a call.
- I can murder a good steak.
- You're on.
That's so beautiful.
But what does it have to do with Carla? I'm not like you, Anders.
I don't chase skirt all over town.
You don't have to chase Carla.
All you have to do is the fun bit.
I have a date with Jamie.
Can we just leave it at that for now? You made a date already? I texted her last night.
You texted her straight after she left here? Do you know how desperate that makes you look? Fuck off, Anders.
Hey, Axl, listen, you may not like it, but your life is now my life and Ty's life and Mike's life.
So get used to me being on your case.
Call me when you finish playing with yourself and your girlfriend.
Talk some sense into him.
Make him realize his obligation is to his family.
Like bagging himself a net baller? Anything that isn't waiting for Mike to get his shit together.
Mike has his own problems to be dealing with right now.
Mike lives for problems.
Not these ones.
Why? What's up? He'll tell you if he wants.
I can't see that happening.
Can you? True.
But you have to promise not to be an asshole about this.
Cross my heart, hope to die-- hopefully not because Axl dies.
Mike and Val have been trying IVF and it's not working.
I'm genuinely sorry to hear that.
They deserve kids.
Yeah, whatever.
But I think Mike is seeing this in the context of recent events.
The Odin thing? What's that got to do with the fact that Val can't get knocked up? Uh, it's kind of merged with the fact that Rob has started talking.
Coma Rob? Yeah, we're not meant to call him that.
I'm not seeing the link.
He's speaking the same Nordic gibberish Olaf lapsed into when Axl became Odin.
Wow, intriguing.
Does this mean Rob's waking up? No one knows.
'Cause if Rob does wake up, I know one god with a lot of explaining to do.
So, have you tried getting her pregnant the usual way? Of course I have.
We've been trying to get pregnant for years.
Maybe you're not doing it right.
Olaf, there's nothing wrong with the way we've been doing it.
I have no problem getting chicks pregnant.
Yeah, well aware of your history in that department.
I'm only saying, god sperm and human eggs work fine when it comes to me.
So, how does Coma Rob fit in? That is among the many, many things i would like you to tell me.
Strangely, I don't feel qualified to answer this.
It's me.
I'm the connection.
Or you're overplaying your importance in the cosmic order.
You're the one that was banging on about how everything is connected.
All of us, not just you and Rob.
But I'm the reason he's in a coma.
You said it wasn't a coma.
Whatever the fuck it is, I'm still the prick who put him in it.
Hello? All hail Odin.
What do you want, Anders? To apologize.
Seriously.
I came on way too strong this morning.
You're still getting used to the whole deal.
It was wrong of me to put pressure on you.
And I hope you have a good time on your date tonight.
Why? Because I'm proud of you for getting back on the horse.
What horse? How about the last chick you went after put an arrow in your chest.
If that was me, that would definitely be playing on my mind.
This is way different from that.
I know, that's what I'm saying.
Go out, have a good time, and when you're ready to talk about the other thing, over to you.
So, how long are you staying for this time, Olaf? As long as I'm needed.
Hey, I'm sorry to hear the IVF thing isn't working out for you.
But it's good you're thinking about trying again.
Science is amazing these days.
Yes, it is.
You'll make awesome parents.
That was the plan.
I'll sort out dessert.
What the hell was that? I was giving you an opening.
To do what? To talk to her.
You need to talk.
Thanks for that, Olaf.
Hello? Oh, hey.
It's Anders here, Axl's brother.
Um, I need to get hold of him.
I believe he's on a date and he's turned his cell phone off.
I was wondering if you knew where he is.
Yeah, I do.
So, you never knew your dad.
- No, I was a baby when he left.
- God.
And how did your mom cope with raising-- oh, excuse me.
Any chance we could get proper steak knives? how did your mom cope with raising four boys on her own? Not well.
She, um, she kind of shot through when I was six.
My big brother Mike took over being dad and mum.
How did you end up being so normal? Who says I'm normal? Thanks.
If you're going to stab something, you need the proper implement.
Depends on who you're stabbing.
I was thinking the steak.
That's a relief.
I'm a bit sensitive around sharp objects.
The last woman I, um-- she kind of shot me with an arrow.
Get the hell out.
Why? There was alcohol involved.
Far out.
Told you I'm not normal.
Well, you're safe with me.
You alright? Yeah.
All good.
Sorry about Olaf.
You don't need to apologize for your family.
Yeah, I do, actually.
So, have you thought about it? What if we're never meant to have a baby? But the doctors say there's no reason why we can't.
I know what the doctors say.
What if it's never meant to be, if it's fate? I don't believe in fate.
I believe in you and me.
- Hi.
- Hi.
How was your date? It waspretty good actually.
That's good.
- Jamie's really nice, eh? - Yeah, she is.
Hey, did your brother get a hold of you? Which one? Anders.
He rang.
He was-- wanted to know where you were.
Yeah.
Yeah, he did.
Prick.
He's here now.
Hello.
Is your girlfriend here? Her name is Jamie, and no.
Do you think I'm a fuck-wit? Uh, yeah, sometimes.
You sent that vodka girl to the pub.
Ah, fair cop.
Well spotted.
It was a reminder.
You have a quest.
What happened to "No pressure, Axl"? I was backing off to give you time to come to your senses and then I realized that was a stupid idea.
So, this Jamie chick, is she the Frig? She's a nice girl who likes me for who I am.
But you're a god.
Not that me! The real me.
Ah.
Did you plough her? Thank you for dinner.
Thank you for not stabbing me with your steak knife.
You should probably know now.
I have this rule about not sleeping with a guy on a first date.
No, no, I wasn't thinking about that at all.
But if you want a second date.
No, I didn't.
Not that it's any of your business.
Everything you do is my business, Axl, as one who will die if you die without ever having tasted the Frig.
Look, if your girl isn't the Frig and you want to keep seeing her, that's cool.
See her all you want, but, you have a duty, Axl, and this is where duty starts.
You can have your cake and eat it too.
It's called cheating.
Men have been doing is since time began.
Yes, morally it's a little bit dodgy but there's a greater good here, Axl.
Look at her, mate.
She's a walking wet dream.
How can you resist that? She scares the crap out of me is how.
And I'd quite like my first time to be with someone who doesn't terrify me.
First time on the quest? First time ever? You're 21 and you're a virgin? How is that possible? Look, it's not for want of trying, okay? It was just tricky living at Mike and Val's place.
Oh, oh, sorry.
Uh, just looking for reading glasses here, so Don't mind me.
Oh, sorry.
Hi, Stella.
How's your mom? It was the main reason I moved.
But still no luck, eh? It's like I'm cursed.
I mean, I'm not exactly a pig, right? But have I ever gotten any? Meanwhile the most useless pricks I know are doing the business.
Well, maybe you are cursed, but in a good way.
Maybe it was your fate to wait until you became Odin.
If you tell anyone about this the first thing I'll do when I get my powers is smite your ass.
Okay, you have my word as a god.
How about you look at it this way.
You have to pop your cherry sometime, right? So what better way than to do it with All you got to do is hang on and go for the ride, bro.
I'd rather handle this my way.
You have no way except the way of the virgin.
If you hook up with Karla and she's not the Frigg the worst that can happen is you get a roll in the hay with a very desirable woman.
And then you go back to Jamie and get it on, except now you're over your first night moves so it's going to be so much better for the both of you.
Especially her.
Yeah, okay.
How? Shit, I know you're a virgin but-- You know what I mean.
Pick you up about five? What, tonight? Yeah, tonight.
I got a date with Jamie.
Give her the flick.
I can't give her the flick.
No, tell her you've scored a job tonight, which is true actually.
Okay, you might think of it as a job but I don't, so-- It is an actual job, numb nuts.
You get paid and everything.
They have six of them? No, not that bit.
The paying gig first, the fun time after.
It's win-win for a poor student god like yourself.
You're hiding.
No, I'm not.
I'll hide with you.
if you go and stay, how about making rent noises again? You know what this room needs to be a really good man-hiding space? Pool table.
Sometimes the connection is there is no connection.
You can't have a child because you can't.
What happened to Rob happened because it happened.
I'm really sorry.
We know! You keep saying.
But I am.
Any money is good.
Never a truer word spoken.
We can go out tomorrow.
When he's flush with cash.
What is this job exactly? Ah, it's kind of a performance, crowd motivational thing at the Northern Dragons home game tonight.
Which means what? You're the mascot.
The team bus ran over the usual mascot's foot at the last game.
It'll be fun.
You'll love it.
I am not dressing up in that.
What? You love dressing up.
Remember that time you dressed up as a little smurf? For a pub crawl.
I was pissed.
You owe me.
How is dressing like a dork meant to land me a net baller girl? The other mascot guy nailed half the team before he got run over by the bus.
You're making that up.
Seriously.
Wing attack and wing defence on the same night on an away trip during the carnival.
Net ballers digs mascots sex All you have to do is be here, I'll do the rest.
Hey.
Are you the other team's mascot? The team's motivational assistant.
So how was it for you dressing as a girl bunny every week? I have no problem with that? Really? It would do my head in after a while.
I'm comfortable in my masculinity.
Do your friends know that you dress as a girl bunny every week? Look, mate, this is how it works.
You and me, we're enemies, right? I'll shake your hand after the game, but until then, bring it on 'cause you're the one who'll be going down.
Dick.
Hey, how's it going? I'm not the usual mascot.
Just filling in.
The other guy got his foot run over.
I know, I was there.
I heard him scream.
Well, of course.
You need to lead us on now.
What? The mascot leads us out.
Oh.
It's impossible not to watch your every move.
You draw the eye.
But you know that, don't you? - You're the P.
R.
Guy, right? - I am.
You hear about the photo.
I only did it for a day.
I don't care about the photo, If that wanker bunny slaps me one more time I'll punch his lights out! Relax, you did great.
Hey, hey, hey.
Okay, that does it.
I said come here.
Axl.
Axl! Get of me! Fight! Fight! Fight! Figh Fight! Let me at him.
Let me at him.
I'll bloody kill him! I'll kill you! I'll kill you.
What's up? Are you watching the net ball on TV? No.
Are you? Nothing wrong with a man watching net ball.
If you say so.
Well, you should.
Tonight of all nights you really should.
Your brother tells me you were defending my honour.
When? The fight.
Oh yeah.
Yeah! My hero.
They don't have, like, drug testing in net ball? Hello, Mike.
What are you up to, Anders? Moving things along.
Doing what we were put on this planet to do, you know, being gods among men.
Don't you do this.
You don't know what you're messing with! But I know of no other way to find out.
You're phone's going to start ringing.
It will be Mike.
It's up to you what you do.
What say we take this party elsewhere, huh? Oh, idiot, idiot! No way is my first time involve you in there with me.
But you're up.
Take the lady a drink.
Thank you, Axl.
So, Anders says you're a virgin.
No, now way! Not me.
Pity.
I always wanted to be a beautiful boy's first.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, I am.
Come with me.
Oh, look.
The cavalry.
Where's Axl? I sent him on his way.
Drink? Okay.
Sure.
On his way to do what? To do what comes naturally of course.
You can't just unleash him on the world until we know what we are dealing with.
When is that going to occur, Mike? When finally rejoins us on planet earth? Face it, the only way we're going to know what's going to happen is by getting out there and actually doing it, not hiding from reality like you do.
Don't you dare use Axl to get what you want.
I want to become a god, Michael.
A proper god.
Not theses piss-weak versions we've become.
What's wrong with that? Let Ty be the god he is, not the god of "Did someone leave the door open.
" Even you.
You got a reason for Axl to succeed.
As gods we've got the power to bring your mate back from the land of the living dead.
Arise, Rob.
Rejoin the human race.
Unless it suits you for "Coma Rob" To remain in his coma.
I am here for Axl.
Everything else is in your fucked up head.
Oh god, oh god! Karla? Shit.
Axl's fine, Mike.
Axl's having the time of his life.
In fact, in his own way, he's learning what it's like to be a god.
And good oh him, I say.
She's dead! I think I killedher.
She' breathing, sort of.
But she will be alright, right? Put your hands on her.
Oh, get off! No, no, cold hands, dick.
Like the girl in the spa top her.
Nice work, ice man.
Fuck sake! No, no, no, it's not like that.
You think you're not the frig.
You are Odin You should know.
Then no.
One down, two million to go.
Wait at the shop.
I'll look after her now.
Can you tell her sorry, and, um, and thanks.
Yeah, no.
All over it.
Bye-bye.
You're not really a driving talking kind of brother, are you? Not like Anders.
Look, I know this is a big game to you and him You've got a licence to screw around.
I know what that feeling is like.
"Look at me, I'm a god!" Actually, the only reason I went through with it is I thought I was doing the right thing for us.
Axl nothing gods do turns out well for people around them.
If you don't believe me, ask Rob.
What does coma Rob have to do with it? Everything.
Not farting around, huh? Where did that come from? Call it a gift.
I was 21.
I was a god.
I was all god of games and I owned that pool table.
What's the matter? No one else want to get their ass kicked.
Come on! Oh, fuck! Your break.
This is now wise.
Fuck 'em.
They don't own this place.
Let's just lose and leave, man.
Oh, I believe it's down-trouser tradition when all our balls are sunk and yours are still on the table.
Yeah.
Shit! Shit! Rob! Rob! Rob! You just had your first lesson, Axl.
Just piss off! And don't do anything ever without talking to me first.
Hey.
Weren't expecting to see you tonight.
It's fast work, eh.
Tough night.
It had its moments.
What? We went to the game, man.
These guys forced me to pay money to watch net ball.
Oh, so you saw the fight? We waited around for you afterwards to see if you were okay.
But you looked kind of busy.
Here he is.
Hey, that's really hot net ball chick.
Shut up! We just went to the place for a drink, that's all.
Dude, I hope it wasn't your brother that gave you that hickey.
It was nothing.
Honest.
See, I told you it was only a root.
He likes you heaps, man.
Let's go.
Really? You do what you like, but I don't really go for guys who are players.
Oh, I'm not a player.
I swear! Sure.
It's only a root, right? I can give you a lift home.
Ta.
I still love her, you know.
I know when she brings me flowers.
I hear her when she talks to me.
She still loves me, Mike.
But you already know that.
Right? You're in a coma.
Shut up.
It's not a coma.
What? We'll do it.
Do what? Go again.
To hell with the expense, to hell with everything.
To hell with me.
Let's make this bloody baby.