The Almighty Johnsons (2011) s01e03 Episode Script

Axl! Oh my god! Axl, are you okay?! Out of the way,you stupid bitch.
- Are you a powerful god? - You bet.
You will get your powers.
We will all get our powers in full if the quest is completed.
What kind of quest? You need to find a woman.
I can handle that.
Frigg.
If Odin and Frigg are reunited, we will rule as gods once again.
You need to start putting it about.
Putting what about? You, you "egg".
Like an egg, you need to get laid.
How come? To find Frigg, dipshit.
You have a duty, Axl.
And this is where your duty starts.
Oh god, oh god.
Oh! Carla? She's dead! I think I killed her.
It's been happening heaps lately.
You were in a library? I'm a student.
I study.
Seriously, man.
It's like an ad where the dude sprays on deodorant and the girls go nuts for him.
But are any of them the Frigg? I have no idea.
Sorry.
You do know you have my permission to fire at will,right? After what happened last time, I think I'll give it a rest There's a million possible reasons why Carla spazzed out: she was drunk and stoned, she's a professional athlete so she's probably on steroids.
After you left, she was fine.
She was great You're not Odin, are you? You're into Norse mythology.
It wasn't me who drew on the book.
Drew what on the book? Stuff.
Thanks for the heads up.
It's good he's taking an interest in his heritage, even it was all wrong and written by people who know nothing.
He can learn what pricks gods are Let's just say we're not meant to coexist and leave it at that, Michelle.
Carry on the good work, Stacey.
Do I have to? I'm sick of watching those stupid girls looking at him like he's a Well, he is.
And if any of those stupid girls show an an interest, we need to know.
One time a girl comas out on him, he thinks he has got like a killer god spern.
Also his first time so it has not a point of reference, does it? It was a one-off thing.
I mean, I know there are one or two unfortunates that you have got yourself down there,right? But I'm not Odin.
Yeah, but you're still a god,I'm still a god.
What makes Odin so different? He's Odin, we're not.
You know you could try being a bit more positive about this.
I mean do you want to spend the rest of your life hiding away in this bloody fridge hacking away at hunks of ice? I like it in here.
Then shift to Alaska.
Hide there.
You shift to fucking Alaska.
Hello.
Who am I speaking to? Whom do you want to speak to? Johnson Refrigeration Services.
That's me.
How can I help? You could save my my life, for starters.
I'm here about the fridge.
Mr.
Johnson.
Yes.
Helen.
Ty.
Um, what's the problem? Warm beer and water pissing out the back of the fridge is the problem.
It's natural.
Don't worry about it.
No, it's weird.
Natural.
As in natural selection.
It's like there are these zebras at the zoo and they're hanging out and it's cool and then the zoo introduces a new male zebra from another zoo for, like, breeding purposes.
Suddenly all the female zebras are checking out the new zebra, going, "Check him out.
" So I'm a zebra, is what you're saying.
But they don't know you're a zebra.
They just know you're different but not why.
So they're going, "What's so special about that zebra? He's nothing to write home about.
" Most will dismiss you as just another zebra who thinks he's god's gift to zebras but some don't.
Them, you keep an eye on Yeah.
It's only me.
Hello, you.
Mike's at work.
I'm actually after Olaf.
My, he is popular this morning.
He's in bed with Axl.
Well, Axl's in the bedroom visiting.
Olaf's a popular guy.
Yeah, but does he have to be popular under my roof? He's family, Val.
Got to look after family.
He's not my family.
Suddenly everyone has questions.
I met a woman.
Love her, be happy, have babies.
Something weird happened.
The zebra thing.
The what? No, the zebras are you.
Ty's a reindeer.
Don't worry about the zebras.
I won't.
I met this woman.
So you said.
And I felt something I've never felt before.
Oh yeah.
I know that feeling.
No, not that feeling.
It was different.
Inside, in me.
Did this feeling lead anywhere? No.
And yes.
You're a genius.
It was pretty straightforward.
You saved my night.
Umsure, why not? Apple martini.
House special.
As I drank, as I watched her, I felt warm.
At least I presume it was warmth.
It's been so long.
And then what happened? Then she had to go clean up some vomit in the toilets.
I haven't felt warmth in me in ages, Olaf.
Food turns cold in my mouth.
I lived my whole life with everything chilled down to nothing.
But not last night, not with her.
And I want to know why.
You're going to say you have no idea, right? No.
I'm going to say I need to think about this.
This is a lot of women trouble for one day.
Well, get back to me when you're ready.
I will.
It was an apple martini.
Yes.
Was it nice? The best.
You can drop them in the slot.
I know.
No need to return them personally.
I was here anyhow.
Did you read them all in one day? Not really.
Most of them are pretty dry.
Did you read them? Yeah.
Do you have a god of choice? I guess.
If you really wanted me to choose, I would choose Frigg.
Really? That's very sensitive of you.
You mean which god is me? I would put you down as Thor or Ullr.
One of the really blokey gods.
Ah, don't tell me you're Bragi.
What a wanker of a god he is.
Yes, he is.
You are correct there.
You're not Bragi though, are you? No.
Of course not.
What if I told you I was Odin? That would be amazing because I am, indeed, Frigg and of course Odin and Frigg are intertwined.
Sorry? You're Frigg? Yeah.
Also known in my earthbound form as Sonja.
But in god world, I'm Frigg, foremost among the goddesses, mother of Baldr and Hod, dweller in the hall of Fensalir and the love of Odin Here's your card.
Card? Your library card.
Great to meet you, Odin.
I've got a staff meeting now.
Frigg gave you her card My library card.
Because she's a librarian.
How much did you actually tell her? What do you mean? Involving mortals in god business, it's a big no-no.
I don't know.
I got confused.
What if she's not mortal? Is that possible? As possible as anything is possible.
But, "Hi, I'm Frigg" and then she buggers off to a staff meeting.
Maybe it was an important staff meeting.
But that's not how it's meant to happen.
Why not? Because it's a quest, that's why Should be more quest-y.
It's a quest to you.
It may not be a quest to her.
Maybe to her, meeting a god's as natural as meeting a new zebra.
What have zebras got to do with it? Trust me, don't go there.
How did you feel when she said she was Frigg? Weird, I suppose.
Did you want to jump her? It always comes back to sex with you, doesn't it? It's a fair question.
What am I meant to feel? Only you know the answer to that.
No, I don't.
Yes, you do.
No.
Yes.
For fuck's sake, can we just go and check out this chick? Okay, for once, I agree with him I'm getting nothing.
I like her.
You'd go there? Sure.
In my younger days.
Why is it always about sex? So speaks Mr.
Frigid.
Up yours.
Guys.
It's your call, Axl.
I don't know.
I liked it when she smiled at me.
Give her one and see what happens.
You're such a barbarian.
We're trying to keep a low profile, Ty.
Hello? Yeah, I'm on my way over now.
I'll be about 10 minutes.
Four of them? Intriguing.
They were checking out the librarian.
Do we have a name for this librarian? Sonja Freeman.
Check the genealogy.
Ooh, smashing.
Where are they now? Hod got a call and took off.
The rest went back to Bragi's office.
Do you think it's her? I have no idea but they is the more question that I think.
It seems simple to me.
Do the business, a sign will follow.
What if I do and if she isn't and the sign is I kill her.
Don't flatter yourself, Axl.
I'm sure it was a one-time thing.
How exactly are you sure? Okay, I'm not sure, but he can't stop trying because one woman flakes out on him.
I mean, maybe it's a good thing.
Have you thought about that? Maybe he gave her the best orgasm of her life, an orgasm so good her body couldn't deal with it.
Olaf, if you've got anything to add to this discussion, now would be a really good time.
Anders is right.
Yes.
And also wrong.
Grandpa.
Clarity.
I was thinking about the two goddesses I've made love to in my life.
One I met in the field, the other, a hat shop.
So why not a library? And yes, the physical act of making love to them, even the cold-hearted bitch who was your grandmother, was way more remarkable than any mortal woman.
But there's way more to taming and marrying a goddess than simply sex.
Yo, backing up here.
What's this marrying shit? Goddesses are tricky.
There's always a catch when you bag a goddess.
With your grandma it was pain and suffering.
Seeing as Frigg's the goddess of marriage Whoa, whoa.
Frigg's the goddess of marriage? Did you not read any of those books you got out of the library? One of them.
It's all about giants and swords, not marriage.
Frigg is the goddess of marriage, Axl.
So you'd have to imagine she'd be pretty keen on it.
I'm 21, man.
I'm too young to get married.
I bet in god world, marriage is a euphemism for something completely different to marriage in this world.
What's a euphemism? It means it's different, it means probably they've hooked up Not walking down the aisle marriage like we know it.
You're making this shit up.
Even if it does mean the same thing, you're the god of gods.
Your marriage can mean whatever you want it to mean.
If you want to shag her out, who's going to stop you? You're Odin, dude.
Thanks for coming back.
Thanks for calling.
You said my fridge system was shot.
Did I? Isn't it? Apart from the times when it pisses out water, which I fixed, it seems entirely adequate.
Do you want a martini instead? Now? Oh, you're probably busy.
No, Yes.
Not too much.
Why the hell not? Can I ask you a question? Of course.
You called me even though your fridge doesn't need fixing.
And I came anyway.
Is that about something up so far? Yes.
What do you think that is? I wish I knew.
So now what? Now we drink.
And we take it from there.
Can I ask you another question? You're full of questions.
Why do I find you so irresistible? I was about to ask you the same question.
I don't want to get married.
To a goddess.
To anyone.
Your call.
No argument here.
I get what everyone says, that whatever I do involves all you guys.
No one is saying that, Axl.
What if you die right this second because I hit you over the head with a bottle for even thinking about not doing this quest? What happens to me then? I die too is what, moron.
You should really stop talking to Anders.
It just sucks, man.
One cute librarian and it's like the the whole fight of you and me and everything is about if I ask her out for coffee.
I am not getting married to her.
That's cool.
Whatever you want.
Thank you for coming.
Do we have to talk in here? Why not out there, where it's warm? I feel calm in here.
The woman I told you about, Helen, Things moved on.
It was kind of porno.
Not that I watch porn, you understand.
How porno? Very.
Up to a point.
Oh, Mr.
and Mrs Kahn.
Hi, how are you? Sorry.
Then big ups to you.
And we need to know this why? Mike, I was on fire.
That never happens to me.
Not literally on fire, by the way,but inside.
Warmth.
Like in my veins, like nothing I've ever experienced.
I'm happy for you Ty.
I'm also freezing my bollocks off.
It really worries me, Mike, with all this Axl/Odin weird shit going down.
Are they connected? Olaf? There are forces at work.
What forces? Opposing forces.
Opposing what? You have no idea, do you? No.
But that doesn't make things any clearer.
Really? You think? I'm in love with Helen.
Okay, you do fall in love a lot.
I know, but this is different.
And every time you say it's different.
Yes, but this is different.
Okay, it is different.
But if it's good, is it bad? I don't know.
That's what I'm trying to find out! Then until you find out otherwise,assume it's good.
Apple martinis? The best.
He went to the library again.
- To see the girl? - To see the girl Took him about five minutes to actually sum up the courage to talk to her For Odin, he is a total wimp.
Anything on the girl in the genealogy? Sonja Freeman.
There was a Freeburg family on the second side of Hoften.
That's as close as I've found, I'm afraid.
So it is possible.
With the Anglicizing of all the names, it's not impossible.
Do you think he likes her? Well, yes.
Hi.
Odin.
Frigg.
That's me.
Are you after a particular book? No.
Um, I wondered if you'd like to go for coffee when you get a break.
I'd love to.
Wait outside.
- Now? - Yeah.
I mean kind of no because I lost them.
Hey, it's really hard following someone all day when it's just you on a bike and they're not on a bike.
So don't give me grief about it.
You know the best thing about being Frigg? God powers? Having a day of the week named after you.
Cool.
Friday.
Oh, right.
It's obvious when you think about it.
The powers are pretty cool ,though.
So what powers do you have? I spread love and goodness and provide clarity in choosing the path ahead.
Awesome.
Everyone thinks that I'm a slut because I sleep with your brothers You sleep with my brothers? Vili and Ve.
They're not my brothers.
I think they are, actually.
Odin's brothers in god world.
Who else did you think I meant? I have actual brothers in the real world.
But they're different gods.
Ullr, Hod and Bragi.
Like I said, all the other gods think that I'm a slut but I am working to change that perception.
By spreading love and goodness.
Exactly.
I haven't got my powers yet.
Really? How do you survive? I just do.
I get my powers when Odin and Frigg are reunited.
Oh, I don't know that scenario.
My grandfather said you mightn't.
Your grandfather? Olaf.
But he's actually Baldr.
That's weird.
Tell me about it.
I mean, you're Odin, I'm Frigg and your grandfather is our son, who was killed by the spear thrown by your real world brother, who was Hod, who is Odin and Frigg's our son.
Yeah, I get confused sometimes, too.
So will Odin and Frigg get together? It's our destiny, isn't it? I like the idea of destiny.
Cool.
But if we did, would we have to get married? Hell no.
That would just complicate things.
Awesome.
Why do we have to meet in fucking suburban wasteland? Why can't we just meet in my office? Because some of us have work to do, Anders.
I work, too.
Where's Ty? He's kind of busy.
Too busy for this? He's gone on a date.
Who's the poor woman? Someone who makes him feel warm.
Doesn't he care that this could be the most important thing ever? Ty said he's happy to go along with whatever we decide about whatever it is that's so important.
I think she's the one.
The librarian? And we know this how? Was there a blinding flash of light? Were you consumed with desire for her? She knows heaps about god stuff, way more than Olaf.
But did the earth move for you? Do you mean an actual earthquake? No, in bed, numb nuts.
We haven't done that.
I'm worried if I take whatever poor girl like she's a goddess.
You mean she'll explode? I don't think even Odin could make a woman explode with pleasure.
What should I do? Do what you feel is right.
But how will I know it is right? You will know.
How? Only you know that.
No,I don't.
You will.
When?! When you realize.
Realize what?! Okay.
See her again, see what happens, don't rush into anything.
Be sure, Axl.
Then tell us if she explodes.
Okay, go on, take your best shot.
Why would I? I love Wellington.
Wellington is actually a great place, apart from the weather.
I even love Wellington weather.
Wind, rain, especially rain that comes in sideways, all good to me.
Liar.
I swear.
Thank you.
Do you, do you miss Wellington? Everything, except the weather.
But it was time to sell up and move on.
I took a major bath financially and I swore I would never own another club.
That's working out well for you.
Yeah, took about two weeks being here to realize I'm addicted to the lifestyle.
Here we are today.
Here we are, indeed.
And in a couple of hours, I need to be at my new money pit so I figure we've got time for dessert or we can go back to your place, pick up from where we got interrupted.
Tough choice.
Is it cold in here? It's okay.
Is that snow? Taste it.
Apple.
This is so cool.
Do you want to go first or shall I? Maybe you should.
Eden, keeper of the apples, granter of youthfulness.
And you are? Hod, kind of god of all things dark and cold.
Sorry.
Why sorry? There are much better gods than me.
I wouldn't know.
You're the first god I've ever made love to.
Me too.
Hi.
Oh, hello.
How's it going? Spread any love and the librarian stuff too? Good, using love as a weapon.
How about you? Good.
I enjoyed coffee yesterday.
Yeah, yeah, it was really nice.
And I kind of wondered if you'd like to out another time for something other than coffee.
Dinner or even lunch maybe.
Or you could come to the party we're having at our flat tonight.
Oh, okay.
That could work.
There'll be loads of gods there.
Really? But you'll need to come in your Odin garb, though.
Garb? Robes.
You can't come in human guise.
Thor has very strict orders to keep out all mortals.
Oh.
I haven't actually got any garb.
I have a sword.
Close enough.
I'll text you the details.
You'd think if they were gods meeting in Mount Eden that we would know about it.
As much as they should know about us.
- Ingrid? - And true.
Face it, we're not close as a species.
It would make things much easier if we weren't so spread out.
And she said party, not meeting? I find it difficult to imagine a party with gods and goddesses, not without someone stabbing someone's eye out with a herring fork.
It's a pity we're not more social.
Gods are stupid and vain and goddesses so damn needy.
A whole room of them eating cheese and swapping small talk.
But we get on quite well.
That's because we're united in purpose, Ingrid.
Otherwise, quite frankly, I would cross the road to avoid you.
I'm just telling you how it is.
Sorry.
You like parties, don't you? Olaf.
I'm so in demand these days I've started doing house calls.
I didn't demand you.
But I had a dream of snow and apples.
Dreams tend to mean stuff when you're the family oracle.
The woman I met, Helen, she's also a goddess.
Ah Who? Eden.
The apple martinis, that would be what triggered the dream.
She's your first, I take it.
No, no, I slept with women before.
Goddess.
Yes.
It's a rush, hey? It was amazing.
We talked about everything, we shared our lives.
I thought our family was messed up but her dad actually killed her mom and then killed himself in prison.
It's amazing.
She's so incredible.
And I told her all about our family and how I hate being me.
She's the first person I've ever been able to talk to properly.
Now you're in love with her.
What do you know about Eden? I just told you.
No, not about Helen.
Helen's a vessel, just as you and I are vessels.
What do you know about the goddess Eden? Uh, she's the giver of youth, she has the power to make those around her feel younger, more alive.
Yes, she is a giving goddess.
The goddess Eden inspires love so you can't help but love her.
But there's only one god who will ever possess her heart and it's not Hod.
Please tell me it's not bloody Odin.
Bragi.
Oh, you're shitting me.
As Odin has his Frigg, Eden has her Bragi.
If they catch sight of each other, you don't exist anymore.
So if Helen meets Anders She will fall in love with Bragi like she has countless times over thousands of years.
But he's a wanker! Yes.
And he will treat her badly and she will continue to love him until until it ends badly for her, like it always does.
I prefer you when you were the didn't-know-much oracle.
I think I'm getting my mojo back.
Thank you, Dawn.
You may go home early, if you wish.
I told you I was leaving early.
I have a huge night.
And now your wish has come true.
Why can't he be nice like you? Because he's special.
What do you mean you're going to a god party? What I said, a party of gods.
If there are a bunch of gods living down the road, how come we don't know about them? Mike, face it, there could be gods living next door.
We wouldn't have a clue.
Then we need to go to this party.
Whoa, I don't think so.
If I'm going to find out if she is Frigg or not, you dicks being there isn't going to help.
Someone's growing some stones.
I don't want to put you at risk.
If I am Odin, Mike, I should be able to look after myself.
I'm good with that.
Odin has spoken.
Sweet.
Don't worry.
I'll be cool.
First sign of trouble, you text me.
That's not very epic, is it? A god texting another god? So who's the hottie you're laying your icy charms on? You don't know her.
If the two of you want to meet up later for a drink, I'm not doing anything.
You'll never know her.
Ouch.
That's cold.
Hey, do you want to go to the Why do you look like a gay Russian? Going to a party.
Toga! Toga, toga! No, no, not a toga party.
Can I come? I washed the chuck stains out of my sheet.
Zeb, it's not a toga party and you're not invited.
What? It's not your sort of party.
Whose sort of party is it? Are you going to a toga party? No! It's not our sort of party.
Your sort of party.
So can I come? No.
It's a party that I'm going to and no one else, except for the people that'll be there, obviously.
Are you on a pussy hunt again? It's a party to which I've been invited, not you guys.
Sorry.
Have you gone gay? Whom do you seek in this hole, stranger? I'm Odin, Frigg invited me.
You're not cloaked as Odin, lord of the Aesir.
I'm new at this.
You're Thor? Behold, the hammer of the gods.
Right.
I got this.
Cool.
Enter.
Odin! But what if Anders never meets her? Do you think you can arrange that? Sure.
I mean, it's not like we're a tight family, especially when it comes to Anders.
That's very optimistic for a natural pessimist.
There is no earthly reason why they should ever meet.
No earthly reason, no.
Hey! Is Frigg here? Hi.
Sorry? I'm Frigg.
Like your sword.
You're not Frigg.
Yeah, I am.
Frigg991.
He means the other one.
Sorry? The one in the bedroom.
Not alone, either.
Oh, her.
Everyone loves her.
Okay.
No point talking to him.
He's Vidarr, the silent god? Right! So which god are you meant to be? Didn't exactly put much effort into your costume, did you? He's got a cool sword.
Looks fake to me.
I'm MoronZebra1, god of idiots.
Have we met in the game? No.
We haven't met in the game or any reality for that matter.
Excuse me.
Hey! Um, hi.
Thanks for the party but I've got to get going.
You bastard.
You sick freak! What? I know all about what you do.
What the hell are you on about? Using the Internet to meet girls and then drugging them?! Hold up, who told you this crap? Someone who knows all about you! Hello, Axl.
What are you doing here? Warning Sonja.
I planned to be gone before you arrived but Sonja distracted me with her wicked ways.
Who are you? One of those who will stop you.
Stop me doing what? Are all the gods as dim as you? Figure it out, dipshit.
Watch out for my stuff! Finding the Frigg.
She will never be yours.
Oh my god.
She's not her.
I know that now.
Hey! But you were fun finding out.
Who are you?! I told you! Why are you trying to kill me? I'm not! You put an arrow in me! Back then I was trying to kill you.
And now? This isn't trying to kill me? No.
Now if I was trying to kill you, I'd do this.
Who the hell are you? My true name is Sjofn.
Who? You how they say love's a bitch? That's me.
Best party ever.
Why are you trying to stop this? You gods had your time and what happened? We were driven from our home by the Christians.
That was centuries ago.
You can't blame us for back then.
We aren't blaming you,dipshit.
It's the best thing that ever to happened goddesses.
We rule here.
We own this country.
This is our time and you dickheads are not going screw it up.
We will find her first.
Not if we find her first! Goddesses we got that much grandpa Goddesses are tricky enough on their own, let alone if they're working in a pack.
That crap about owning this country, that's bullshit, right? Bunch of goddesses put their minds to something, you try stopping them.
One time your grandma and her sisters set the postman on fire But are they trying to kill me or not? Not.
Otherwise you'd be dead.
Of course, that might all change.
Goddesses, in my experience, are very temperamental.
What they are today and what they get up to tomorrow, who can say? So we have a race on our hands.
Whoever finds the girl wins.
She looks good.
You want another drink? They're free.
They let me drink free until she melts.
Free piss and a creative outlet.
You're a winner on all fronts.
You did the right thing, man.
She's the rejuvenator.
She dispenses love.
That's what Eden does.
Usual? I'll pass.
You alright? Been better.
I'm usually the one at the other end of the speech so if I get it wrong, please forgive me.
It's better than waiting for the day when she left me.
Which she would have, inevitably.
At least I got to say the line.
I really I mean, really, really like you.
And not just because you're my first goddess.
But I know in here that we're not destined to be together.
Whatever brought us together won't keep us together, will it? I'm not really what you'd call a one-man goddess.
I know.
Can we at least Please, let me.
I would very much like it if there was a way, a universe where we could still be friends.
But I don't think there is.
And I'm sure she took it well.
She did, actually.
Try to stay out of the dark,Ty It's cold in here.
That would be me.
No, that would be her.
If it makes you feel any better, goddesses are our sworn enemies now so it would never have worked out.
It doesn't.
Huh, that's the spirit.
Thanks, Grandpa.
Ty, is that you? Hi, Dawn.
Yes.
You may just have saved my life.
Really? The huge party I'm on, it's gone feral.
I ducked in here to hide.
So if you see several insane women wearing fluffy tiaras, let me know.
Will do.
Want a drink while you're hiding? They're free.
Yeah.
No shit? I have powers.
At least in here.
I think I love you.
What would you like?