The Avengers (1961) s04e01 Episode Script
The Town of No Return
Can you direct me to Little Bazeley? Over there.
Left at the crossroads.
Thank you.
Looks like rain.
- Good morning, Mrs.
Peel.
- Steed! The door is open.
Social visit? Exactly.
I was passing by.
Coffee is over there.
More flexible in the wrist.
Off balance! Friendly advice! I don't see any cream? The cream is in the kitchen.
I could take it black.
- Are you busy just now? - Not very.
I've finished an article for Science Weekly.
Why? Just interested.
Marvellous day! Not a day to be stuck in town.
What if we went to the coast? We? Yes, we could build sand castles together.
I refuse to carry a bucket and spade.
Brisk walks along the sea shore! Sand beneath your feet! The breeze snatching at your hair! Ever fancied yourself as a school teacher? That was very, very dirty.
Quite right, but I didn't promise to fight fair.
Don't worry about driving, we'll take the train.
- You bought the tickets? - Yesterday morning.
Hurry, the train leaves in less than an hour.
I'll explain.
- Where are we going? - Little Bazeley by the sea.
Little Bazeley? By the sea.
- Why? - It's a long story.
Try the condensed version.
No restaurant.
We'll have to rough it.
Indian or China? Indian.
About Little Bazeley? Last year we got wind of something odd in Little Bazeley.
Nothing specific, just something odd.
We sent an agent to investigate.
What did he find? He never told, poor fellow Milk or lemon? Lemon.
It will have to be milk.
Later, we sent another agent to look for the first one.
Then another agent to look for the agent - looking for the agent.
- That's it.
- Score? - Four.
Sugar? Four? Two.
No marzipan delight? You'll understand our worry: 4 agents in a row.
It could be very serious.
You could run out of agents.
- Afternoon.
- Afternoon.
I'm sorry! Little Bazeley? You're going there? As a matter of fact I am.
Me too.
It's been a long time, I'm going to see my brother.
Really? Yes.
Tom Smallwood, blacksmith in Little Bazeley.
Good lad and big, being a smithy.
- Want to see a picture? - I'd love to.
Look.
- Very handsome! - A good lad, he is.
We've lost touch.
I hope he's all right.
There should be a pub opposite the church.
- Very chilly! - Good evening.
Very chilly weather.
Chilly is decidedly the word! Now to get some service Good evening and welcome to "The Jolly Old Gremlin.
" What will it be, ajar or two? A large brandy.
And you, Mrs?.
.
Peel.
I don't think I ought to.
Come on, travelling companions and all that! One for the lady.
And you, Mr?.
.
Smallwood.
The same, thank you.
3 tots of Napoleon's ruin coming up! The old 33 fighter squad was stationed here during the war.
The airfield's derelict now.
You know these parts then? No, but my brother Tom told me.
- Tom? - Tom Smallwood, blacksmith.
- Tom! Of course! - How is he keeping? Fighting fit! Those were the days, good old fighting 33.
This pub remembers, we were here every night! - Were you here then? - On the other side of the bar.
- Pilot Piggy Warren.
- Of the fighting 33? The thirsty 33 we were! It was all bang on in those days.
Afterwards I never could settle down in city streets.
I came back here and took over the pub.
Not the friendliest proposition.
The locals? They're not as bad as they look, suspicious of strangers, but a fine bunch of chaps.
- Same again all around? - Right you are.
- You're here to see Tom ? - Yes, surprise visit.
And you're just passing through.
I'm staying a few days if you have a room.
For business? I don't know a soul here.
Property developers, looking for a likely new site.
You won't find it down here.
Still, I ought to have a look to justify the expense account! I get it, loud and clear.
So you have a room for me? There are 5 upstairs, take your pick.
I need one too.
Until I find permanent lodgings.
I'm to teach at the school here.
What was the name? Peel, Mrs.
Emma Peel.
Mrs.
Peel, I'm Jill Manson, headmistress.
Very pleased to meet you.
I've had no warning of your arrival.
The education authorities were quite definite.
Their letter.
There's no mistake.
It's all in order.
I didn't ask for a teacher.
You can use one, can't you? Brandon, Mark Brandon.
I'm the school inspector.
- How do you do? - I only arrived today.
An opportune moment! Miss Manson can't send you away.
If the authority is so generous, we must take advantage of it.
Mustn't we? We'll sort it out tomorrow.
I think I ought to stay, don't you? Of course, you must certainly stay.
It's time I went to see old Tom.
- Good night.
- 'Night, old boy.
I'm in no hurry.
Badger hunting, it's more fun at night.
Come see your rooms.
This one for you, old boy, and you're further down, Mrs.
Peel.
Tom! Tom! Tom! Hole in one.
Hole in both! No hot water either.
As for sea breezes, I'll take a couple of reefs in my bedclothes.
Be prepared to make concessions.
Back to nature.
If you'd warned me, I'd have packed my pot of woad.
- Funny, isn't it? - Hilarious.
They don't exactly seem to welcome visitors.
I had noticed.
United we stand.
May I escort you to dinner? You may.
I wonder what they have in store for us.
What is that? Nailed up.
Mine, too.
Prepared to repel boarders.
Just in time for din-din.
Hope you don't mind sharing a table.
We don't want it to get cold now I must post this letter.
I pass right by the box, glad to do it.
The school is easy to find, they're using the airfield.
Good night.
Badger hunting.
Hounds in full cry, they were chasing something, or somebody.
Badgers? Surely you didn't believe that story? You know me, I have a very suspicious nature.
How's it going? Not good at all.
I need an axe.
Sounds quiet enough.
Our friend Piggy Warren is gone to bed.
Can't get out that way.
I'll go out the front door.
No, you stay here.
I can move without noise.
Superior training.
Like a cat on carpet slippers.
Don't move! What are you up to? I couldn't sleep, thought I might have a nightcap.
Liquid.
I thought you were a burglar.
You nearly got both barrels.
Couldn't sleep, eh? I know the feeling.
One for the road.
A little snifter before the brain box bashes the pillow.
Here, take it up.
- Thank you.
- I'll put in on your bill.
Well, pussy-footed pussy? Still up? You have school tomorrow.
What were they thinking! Those are the instructions and you will obey them.
It's too soon to take another batch.
Nothing's impossible! Remember, I'm in command now.
Mrs.
Peel! We didn't expect you so bright and early.
I was anxious to begin.
There's not much you can do right now.
The school is on holiday.
In mid term? In such a small place we bend the rules as needed.
We needed to close the school at this time.
- Didn't we, Miss Manson? - Quite correct.
It permits Miss Manson to make some alterations.
- For a new gymnasium.
- Perhaps I can help.
Surely Mrs.
Peel could see to our class schedules for when school recommences.
Excellent idea.
As you wish.
We must be careful.
We nearly mishandled that.
Like that ugly business on the beach last night.
We got out here ahead of the rush.
Solitude is good for the soul.
I've been to the school.
Something odd is going on there.
As odd as this? - A dozen pairs of feet.
- Big feet, leading out of the sea.
Turtles? Sea mares? Mermaids? Very strange mermaids, wearing boots! Mermen? Boots? There are about a dozen pairs of boots at school.
- Hefty pupils - Exactly, Miss Manson says the school is on vacation.
- In mid-term? - Yes, she was very devious.
Curiouser and curiouser.
I've observed the countryside, the tractors are stopped.
Ploughs rusting in the farrows.
Very strange! Did you check the whole school? No, I tried.
Brandon and Miss Manson made quite sure I think it's a shoe.
Two shoes.
They are inhabited.
Brother Tom Mr.
Smallwood? - What do you need? - It's about your brother.
Jimmy? What about him? We'd like to see him.
- You're friends of his? - No.
We met on the train and planned to have a drink together.
- If you'd tell him we're here.
- He's not here, he's gone.
He said he was staying several days.
He went back to London.
Urgent business.
- First thing this morning.
- He took the early train? There is no early train.
- He borrowed my car.
- Sorry to have troubled you.
"Under the spreading chestnut tree, the village smithy stands.
" Except that wasn't him, Tom Smallwood.
Not even remotely like him.
Why pass oneself off for the village blacksmith? And where are all the people? No postman, no milkman, not a solitary soul! Apart from the locals in the pub.
Armed for badger hunting.
And wearing gum boots.
I'll take a look at the airfield.
Where have the people gone? Parish records? Local church.
I've bats in my belfry.
Literally.
Up there, bats.
Can't shift them.
Jonathan Aymesbury, I'm the vicar.
- Mrs.
Peel.
- Delighted.
Bats, woodworms, beetles, all sorts of wildlife.
Haven't me met before? I arrived yesterday.
I'm to teach school.
Welcome to Little Bazeley, you'll like it here.
I'm sure I will.
What can I do for you? I'd like to know more about the village.
And start class with an essay on the history of Little Bazeley.
I can't help you very much, I'm new myself.
As much a stranger as you are.
Surely the parish records could help, if I may?.
.
Please do, they'll be in the vestry.
Mice again! This way.
They're in no sort of order and haven't been touched for years.
Pardon me! You're very welcome.
Thank you.
You don't happen to sing contralto, do you? The choir desperately needs a contralto.
Sorry, I'm definitely top line.
Well, never mind.
Perhaps I'll see you amongst the flock? The congregation is small, but growing.
- Mr.
Aymesbury? - Yes.
This covers the last 20 years in this parish.
Yes.
Well? Well, I Well! No good I'm finished.
- Don't talk.
- I must talk.
Give warning.
Below, below Must talk give warning Warning of what? Who are you? Brandon, Mark Brandon.
The school inspector.
I knew too much.
Look.
Below Below! - Below? - Quick, get away! It's no use.
No use All things wise and wonderful The Lord God made them all - Mr.
Aymesbury.
- Mrs.
Peel? - Look - Not now! - It's time for choir practice.
- It's important and won't wait.
- Very well.
- This photo from the school - Yes, well - Taken end of term reads: "Headmistress Miss Jill Manson".
That's her in the middle.
But it's not the Miss Manson we know.
No.
And the other masters? Can you tell me if they're impostors? This one and this one? Yes, all of them.
I see.
But then, you're an impostor too.
This school mistress business was all make believe? - But I had to.
- Don't apologize.
Not to me.
I know the importance of make believe.
Mr.
Aymesbury, you wouldn't use that now? Not during choir practice.
A very appropriate piece of music: a requiem.
Hello, old boy.
Fixing a fuse.
Do you mind? Not at all.
Have any luck? Sorry, what? Find any land worth building on? Not really.
Didn't think you would, not around here.
Can you hold it up? - Where is Mrs.
Peel ? - Mrs.
P The little popsy who arrived yesterday? - She's gone.
- Gone? Packed her bags and left without so much as a word.
You fancied your chances there? You never know your luck, do you, Piggy ? I can call you Piggy? It suits you so well.
What? You're expendable.
You're dead, remember? Killed in action, 1942.
Where is she, Piggy ? Where is she? Please come to the unsaddling enclosure.
This is made for a horse.
- It must be very uncomfortable.
- It is.
We'll soon have you unsaddled.
- Tight girth! - Cut down on the oats.
- Who put you on such a tight rein? - The vicar.
- The vicar? - He's an impostor.
Like Brandon and Jill Manson.
I found the real Brandon at the school and that's not all I found.
Food.
Enough to feed an army.
An army? Now, Steed Concentrate: what do you make of this? - Little Bazeley.
- And this? - A submarine.
- Moored offshore, and why? Disembark people, small batches of them.
Why? How would you go about taking over the country? A full scale invasion.
Risking a full scale reprisal? Don't let them know anything.
- Take it over piecemeal.
- Bit by bit.
How? Replace the old population with your own kind.
The vicar, the school master? The butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker, all fake.
But if someone arrived who could point the difference Like Smallwood.
He disappears too.
Strangers they allow in and out, so as not to arouse suspicion.
The whole village is taken over.
What then? The next town and the next and finally I inspected this place, it's just empty buildings.
"Below.
" That's what he meant.
Mark Brandon, before he died, kept saying "below".
The airfield dates from the war.
So there must be bunkers, underground shelters.
- Don't send us into orbit! - You'd be quite a constellation.
On guard! In! Out! There's a whole army down here.
And up top they're looking for us.
I feel like the filling of a club sandwich.
From the map, there's only one way out.
That door and those stairs.
We could run the portcullis down.
- Jam the mechanism.
- Right.
Hold it right there.
Raise your hands slowly and turn around.
We didn't expect you quite so soon, did we? Quick! Now for a leisurely dinner in a cosy little inn, where the wines are heavy and the steak is this thick.
Concentrate on the driving, I have another idea
Left at the crossroads.
Thank you.
Looks like rain.
- Good morning, Mrs.
Peel.
- Steed! The door is open.
Social visit? Exactly.
I was passing by.
Coffee is over there.
More flexible in the wrist.
Off balance! Friendly advice! I don't see any cream? The cream is in the kitchen.
I could take it black.
- Are you busy just now? - Not very.
I've finished an article for Science Weekly.
Why? Just interested.
Marvellous day! Not a day to be stuck in town.
What if we went to the coast? We? Yes, we could build sand castles together.
I refuse to carry a bucket and spade.
Brisk walks along the sea shore! Sand beneath your feet! The breeze snatching at your hair! Ever fancied yourself as a school teacher? That was very, very dirty.
Quite right, but I didn't promise to fight fair.
Don't worry about driving, we'll take the train.
- You bought the tickets? - Yesterday morning.
Hurry, the train leaves in less than an hour.
I'll explain.
- Where are we going? - Little Bazeley by the sea.
Little Bazeley? By the sea.
- Why? - It's a long story.
Try the condensed version.
No restaurant.
We'll have to rough it.
Indian or China? Indian.
About Little Bazeley? Last year we got wind of something odd in Little Bazeley.
Nothing specific, just something odd.
We sent an agent to investigate.
What did he find? He never told, poor fellow Milk or lemon? Lemon.
It will have to be milk.
Later, we sent another agent to look for the first one.
Then another agent to look for the agent - looking for the agent.
- That's it.
- Score? - Four.
Sugar? Four? Two.
No marzipan delight? You'll understand our worry: 4 agents in a row.
It could be very serious.
You could run out of agents.
- Afternoon.
- Afternoon.
I'm sorry! Little Bazeley? You're going there? As a matter of fact I am.
Me too.
It's been a long time, I'm going to see my brother.
Really? Yes.
Tom Smallwood, blacksmith in Little Bazeley.
Good lad and big, being a smithy.
- Want to see a picture? - I'd love to.
Look.
- Very handsome! - A good lad, he is.
We've lost touch.
I hope he's all right.
There should be a pub opposite the church.
- Very chilly! - Good evening.
Very chilly weather.
Chilly is decidedly the word! Now to get some service Good evening and welcome to "The Jolly Old Gremlin.
" What will it be, ajar or two? A large brandy.
And you, Mrs?.
.
Peel.
I don't think I ought to.
Come on, travelling companions and all that! One for the lady.
And you, Mr?.
.
Smallwood.
The same, thank you.
3 tots of Napoleon's ruin coming up! The old 33 fighter squad was stationed here during the war.
The airfield's derelict now.
You know these parts then? No, but my brother Tom told me.
- Tom? - Tom Smallwood, blacksmith.
- Tom! Of course! - How is he keeping? Fighting fit! Those were the days, good old fighting 33.
This pub remembers, we were here every night! - Were you here then? - On the other side of the bar.
- Pilot Piggy Warren.
- Of the fighting 33? The thirsty 33 we were! It was all bang on in those days.
Afterwards I never could settle down in city streets.
I came back here and took over the pub.
Not the friendliest proposition.
The locals? They're not as bad as they look, suspicious of strangers, but a fine bunch of chaps.
- Same again all around? - Right you are.
- You're here to see Tom ? - Yes, surprise visit.
And you're just passing through.
I'm staying a few days if you have a room.
For business? I don't know a soul here.
Property developers, looking for a likely new site.
You won't find it down here.
Still, I ought to have a look to justify the expense account! I get it, loud and clear.
So you have a room for me? There are 5 upstairs, take your pick.
I need one too.
Until I find permanent lodgings.
I'm to teach at the school here.
What was the name? Peel, Mrs.
Emma Peel.
Mrs.
Peel, I'm Jill Manson, headmistress.
Very pleased to meet you.
I've had no warning of your arrival.
The education authorities were quite definite.
Their letter.
There's no mistake.
It's all in order.
I didn't ask for a teacher.
You can use one, can't you? Brandon, Mark Brandon.
I'm the school inspector.
- How do you do? - I only arrived today.
An opportune moment! Miss Manson can't send you away.
If the authority is so generous, we must take advantage of it.
Mustn't we? We'll sort it out tomorrow.
I think I ought to stay, don't you? Of course, you must certainly stay.
It's time I went to see old Tom.
- Good night.
- 'Night, old boy.
I'm in no hurry.
Badger hunting, it's more fun at night.
Come see your rooms.
This one for you, old boy, and you're further down, Mrs.
Peel.
Tom! Tom! Tom! Hole in one.
Hole in both! No hot water either.
As for sea breezes, I'll take a couple of reefs in my bedclothes.
Be prepared to make concessions.
Back to nature.
If you'd warned me, I'd have packed my pot of woad.
- Funny, isn't it? - Hilarious.
They don't exactly seem to welcome visitors.
I had noticed.
United we stand.
May I escort you to dinner? You may.
I wonder what they have in store for us.
What is that? Nailed up.
Mine, too.
Prepared to repel boarders.
Just in time for din-din.
Hope you don't mind sharing a table.
We don't want it to get cold now I must post this letter.
I pass right by the box, glad to do it.
The school is easy to find, they're using the airfield.
Good night.
Badger hunting.
Hounds in full cry, they were chasing something, or somebody.
Badgers? Surely you didn't believe that story? You know me, I have a very suspicious nature.
How's it going? Not good at all.
I need an axe.
Sounds quiet enough.
Our friend Piggy Warren is gone to bed.
Can't get out that way.
I'll go out the front door.
No, you stay here.
I can move without noise.
Superior training.
Like a cat on carpet slippers.
Don't move! What are you up to? I couldn't sleep, thought I might have a nightcap.
Liquid.
I thought you were a burglar.
You nearly got both barrels.
Couldn't sleep, eh? I know the feeling.
One for the road.
A little snifter before the brain box bashes the pillow.
Here, take it up.
- Thank you.
- I'll put in on your bill.
Well, pussy-footed pussy? Still up? You have school tomorrow.
What were they thinking! Those are the instructions and you will obey them.
It's too soon to take another batch.
Nothing's impossible! Remember, I'm in command now.
Mrs.
Peel! We didn't expect you so bright and early.
I was anxious to begin.
There's not much you can do right now.
The school is on holiday.
In mid term? In such a small place we bend the rules as needed.
We needed to close the school at this time.
- Didn't we, Miss Manson? - Quite correct.
It permits Miss Manson to make some alterations.
- For a new gymnasium.
- Perhaps I can help.
Surely Mrs.
Peel could see to our class schedules for when school recommences.
Excellent idea.
As you wish.
We must be careful.
We nearly mishandled that.
Like that ugly business on the beach last night.
We got out here ahead of the rush.
Solitude is good for the soul.
I've been to the school.
Something odd is going on there.
As odd as this? - A dozen pairs of feet.
- Big feet, leading out of the sea.
Turtles? Sea mares? Mermaids? Very strange mermaids, wearing boots! Mermen? Boots? There are about a dozen pairs of boots at school.
- Hefty pupils - Exactly, Miss Manson says the school is on vacation.
- In mid-term? - Yes, she was very devious.
Curiouser and curiouser.
I've observed the countryside, the tractors are stopped.
Ploughs rusting in the farrows.
Very strange! Did you check the whole school? No, I tried.
Brandon and Miss Manson made quite sure I think it's a shoe.
Two shoes.
They are inhabited.
Brother Tom Mr.
Smallwood? - What do you need? - It's about your brother.
Jimmy? What about him? We'd like to see him.
- You're friends of his? - No.
We met on the train and planned to have a drink together.
- If you'd tell him we're here.
- He's not here, he's gone.
He said he was staying several days.
He went back to London.
Urgent business.
- First thing this morning.
- He took the early train? There is no early train.
- He borrowed my car.
- Sorry to have troubled you.
"Under the spreading chestnut tree, the village smithy stands.
" Except that wasn't him, Tom Smallwood.
Not even remotely like him.
Why pass oneself off for the village blacksmith? And where are all the people? No postman, no milkman, not a solitary soul! Apart from the locals in the pub.
Armed for badger hunting.
And wearing gum boots.
I'll take a look at the airfield.
Where have the people gone? Parish records? Local church.
I've bats in my belfry.
Literally.
Up there, bats.
Can't shift them.
Jonathan Aymesbury, I'm the vicar.
- Mrs.
Peel.
- Delighted.
Bats, woodworms, beetles, all sorts of wildlife.
Haven't me met before? I arrived yesterday.
I'm to teach school.
Welcome to Little Bazeley, you'll like it here.
I'm sure I will.
What can I do for you? I'd like to know more about the village.
And start class with an essay on the history of Little Bazeley.
I can't help you very much, I'm new myself.
As much a stranger as you are.
Surely the parish records could help, if I may?.
.
Please do, they'll be in the vestry.
Mice again! This way.
They're in no sort of order and haven't been touched for years.
Pardon me! You're very welcome.
Thank you.
You don't happen to sing contralto, do you? The choir desperately needs a contralto.
Sorry, I'm definitely top line.
Well, never mind.
Perhaps I'll see you amongst the flock? The congregation is small, but growing.
- Mr.
Aymesbury? - Yes.
This covers the last 20 years in this parish.
Yes.
Well? Well, I Well! No good I'm finished.
- Don't talk.
- I must talk.
Give warning.
Below, below Must talk give warning Warning of what? Who are you? Brandon, Mark Brandon.
The school inspector.
I knew too much.
Look.
Below Below! - Below? - Quick, get away! It's no use.
No use All things wise and wonderful The Lord God made them all - Mr.
Aymesbury.
- Mrs.
Peel? - Look - Not now! - It's time for choir practice.
- It's important and won't wait.
- Very well.
- This photo from the school - Yes, well - Taken end of term reads: "Headmistress Miss Jill Manson".
That's her in the middle.
But it's not the Miss Manson we know.
No.
And the other masters? Can you tell me if they're impostors? This one and this one? Yes, all of them.
I see.
But then, you're an impostor too.
This school mistress business was all make believe? - But I had to.
- Don't apologize.
Not to me.
I know the importance of make believe.
Mr.
Aymesbury, you wouldn't use that now? Not during choir practice.
A very appropriate piece of music: a requiem.
Hello, old boy.
Fixing a fuse.
Do you mind? Not at all.
Have any luck? Sorry, what? Find any land worth building on? Not really.
Didn't think you would, not around here.
Can you hold it up? - Where is Mrs.
Peel ? - Mrs.
P The little popsy who arrived yesterday? - She's gone.
- Gone? Packed her bags and left without so much as a word.
You fancied your chances there? You never know your luck, do you, Piggy ? I can call you Piggy? It suits you so well.
What? You're expendable.
You're dead, remember? Killed in action, 1942.
Where is she, Piggy ? Where is she? Please come to the unsaddling enclosure.
This is made for a horse.
- It must be very uncomfortable.
- It is.
We'll soon have you unsaddled.
- Tight girth! - Cut down on the oats.
- Who put you on such a tight rein? - The vicar.
- The vicar? - He's an impostor.
Like Brandon and Jill Manson.
I found the real Brandon at the school and that's not all I found.
Food.
Enough to feed an army.
An army? Now, Steed Concentrate: what do you make of this? - Little Bazeley.
- And this? - A submarine.
- Moored offshore, and why? Disembark people, small batches of them.
Why? How would you go about taking over the country? A full scale invasion.
Risking a full scale reprisal? Don't let them know anything.
- Take it over piecemeal.
- Bit by bit.
How? Replace the old population with your own kind.
The vicar, the school master? The butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker, all fake.
But if someone arrived who could point the difference Like Smallwood.
He disappears too.
Strangers they allow in and out, so as not to arouse suspicion.
The whole village is taken over.
What then? The next town and the next and finally I inspected this place, it's just empty buildings.
"Below.
" That's what he meant.
Mark Brandon, before he died, kept saying "below".
The airfield dates from the war.
So there must be bunkers, underground shelters.
- Don't send us into orbit! - You'd be quite a constellation.
On guard! In! Out! There's a whole army down here.
And up top they're looking for us.
I feel like the filling of a club sandwich.
From the map, there's only one way out.
That door and those stairs.
We could run the portcullis down.
- Jam the mechanism.
- Right.
Hold it right there.
Raise your hands slowly and turn around.
We didn't expect you quite so soon, did we? Quick! Now for a leisurely dinner in a cosy little inn, where the wines are heavy and the steak is this thick.
Concentrate on the driving, I have another idea